Learning to Love and Accept My Coarse, Frizzy Hair

rabarrabar Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Posts: 64 Curl Connoisseur
After reading a couple of heart-breaking posts under "Coarse-width Hair", and being almost discouraged by the lack of posts regarding curly & coarse hair, I decided to start a discussion. 

I understand the pain; it's "bad" hair--not bad as in wrong or ugly, but bad as in naughty, like a disrespectful, smart-*ss, know-it-all teen-aged nephew.  The frizz never goes away.  It's not soft, it feels rough, it doesn't listen to reason, and doesn't respond to crying.  It will not cooperate; it refuses to do anything but its own thing.  It does not "comply" to the "usual" descriptions of curly hair, it does not respond to all the special treatments you give it.  It doesn't care how moisturized you keep it, how much protein you "feed" it, how hard you try to keep it in place with all the "super hold" gels, how many ways you try to clean it or dry it, or how much you ignore it.  It's so frustrating, and unfortunately the only thing to do is rein it in, abuse it, or accept it as it is.  

And yet I wouldn't trade it for any other hair in the world.  I am so grateful for this unruly, naughty hair.  It took many years to get to this point.  I think from the time I was 14 until I was 27, I never wore it down.  Ever.  And for many years after that, I never wore it down unless I flat-ironed it on the highest-heat setting (and it still required several passes with the iron just to get it straight).  Those were the only times I liked it, and the only times I ever got any compliments about my hair.

I had to start loving and accepting myself just as I am before I could do the same with this hair.  I had to start letting go of my need to feel accepted by others in order to be okay with myself.  I had to start believing that I am acceptable and lovable, just as I am, right now, despite what others had led me to believe.  And only until then could I start accepting this part of myself--this part that I have no control over, this unruly, naughty part of me.

I haven't straightened it in about eleven months.  I now wear it down most of the time, and I accept that it will be frizzy no matter what.  (For me, the secret was choosing to believe that frizz is acceptable.)  I never would've believed that I would be grateful for this hair as it is--just like I never thought I would be grateful for having a mental illness (major depression, if you're curious) or having alcoholic parents.  But I am learning to accept life on life's terms, and to be grateful for all the blessings that I do have, and to love myself.  I wish I could go back and tell that younger me all these things, but I can't.  So I hope sharing this will give some hope to someone else who struggles with self-worth (including the worth of our coarse, frizzy hair).  And if it doesn't, that's okay--I enjoyed sharing it!

Please feel free to share how you are learning to embrace your hair, just as it is, or yourself, or anything else that might inspire.  I'd love to hear it!
2c/3a/3b, coarse, med-high porosity, medium density
formerly CG method


  • Guide 65Guide 65 Registered Users, Moderators Posts: 1,984 Curl Virtuoso
    So glad you've accepted your hair!  It's inspiring to read stories like yours.  I think it's important for everyone to accept the hair that they were given, and understand its limitations. 
    Formerly known as Janiegirl
    2B/2C, fine hair, low density, mixed porosity, protein loving hair
    Current products:
    Changing up my shampoos because I can't find one I like
    Deva Curl One Condition (original formula)
    Innersense I Create Volume
    Deva Curl Ultra Defining Gel
  • rabarrabar Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Posts: 64 Curl Connoisseur
    Yeah, I must have written that on a really good day!

    I feel like straightening it today, ha-ha!  It's just been extra frizzy today and yesterday.  I tried out a new gel, and I'm not happy with the results so far.  But, live and learn.

    No, I'm not going to straighten it.  I'll just let it be the way it wants to be today.  Frizz is a fact of life for my hair, and it really is okay.  I just wish it would disappear!  It's funny how different my attitude about my hair can be from day to day--one day grateful, the next super-bratty.  It really isn't that my hair is changing much, because it's not.  Despite what I want it to do, it's just going to be itself.  Some days I'm more accepting and loving toward my hair than other days.  But when it comes down to it, I still wouldn't trade it for anyone else's hair, even on days like today.
    2c/3a/3b, coarse, med-high porosity, medium density
    formerly CG method

Leave a Comment

BoldItalicStrikethroughOrdered listUnordered list
Align leftAlign centerAlign rightToggle HTML viewToggle full pageToggle lights
Drop image/file