The Official Online Dating Diaries Thread

tinksaysboo · January 2

I've simply never been one who needs a "change in scenery" to be honest. I have quite a few male friends I hang out with that are purely platonic. I no longer enjoy sex unless I have feelings for the person so have no real interest in a new FWB. What I do miss is the deeper type of relationship you have with a male you are intimate with.

tinksaysboo · January 2

I go on "dates" a couple times a month with one of my guy friends who is A-Sexual. He rather cuddle than have sex. I hate cuddling unfortunately. In fact, I hate being touched unless it is during sex.

Myrna · January 2

Josephine, yes, of course this thread is those seeking an LTR as well as those who are just dating. However, I think, as I stated earlier, it is important to know what you are looking for, what you want - and dont want. Its like going grocery shopping without a list - you will probably wind up with a lot of stuff in your cart you dont need - and most likely it will not be healthy for you. Yes, I agree casual and serious can be shared here but I dont think we can be expected to agree with everything everyone says. Nor do I think this is anyone's personal blog.

Josephine · January 2

Myrna said:

However, I think, as I stated earlier, it is important to know what you are looking for, what you want - and dont want. Its like going grocery shopping without a list - you will probably wind up with a lot of stuff in your cart you dont need - and most likely it will not be healthy for you. Yes, I agree casual and serious can be shared here but I dont think we can be expected to agree with everything everyone says. Nor do I think this is anyone's personal blog.

That's ideal. But what if you are not looking for anything specific? And you are just out dating and sharing experiences? I also don't know what there is to agree on or disagree on here.

Myrna · January 2

I guess I dont quite understand dating and not looking for anything specific. If you dont know what you are looking for - what do you wind up with? I think agree/disagree happened when a member was - gently, IMO - challenged about her behavior.

Josephine · January 2

tinksaysboo said:

I've simply never been one who needs a "change in scenery" to be honest. I have quite a few male friends I hang out with that are purely platonic. I no longer enjoy sex unless I have feelings for the person so have no real interest in a new FWB. What I do miss is the deeper type of relationship you have with a male you are intimate with.

I'm kind of the same way, but my fwb isn't available that much and I also like to date in case I find someone better and that can offer more. I am just so rarely attracted to anyone it's been difficult. I am still open to it if the opportunity comes across.

tinksaysboo · January 2

I didn't want something more for a long time. After my last break up I was set on being a spinster. After seeing my FWB with a girl, I realized how attached I was to him and how much I miss having a LTR. .

I am rarely attracted to others as well, and I've never developed feelings. I am either into you from the get go or it's never happening. That's why I gave up online dating. I met so many AMAZING men who wanted LTR's with me, but it all felt so forced that I couldn't get myself to even sleep with them.

I have a tendency to shut guys down before they even get a chance. I use to be so open to love 10 years ago, but failed relationships beat me down and kind of iced my heart.

spiderlashes5000 · January 2

Lotsawaves said:

You ask for our opinions & get upset if we don't always agree with you? OK. I wish you the best in your dating journey.

But I am NOT looking for agreement.
I ~was~ participating in the thread for conversation. To swap amusing stories about dating...with other women who are actually dating...and enjoying doing so...and have something worthwhile to offer to the discussion.

Firstly, I don't give a rat's ass about your ridiculous, unsolicited opinions. And i'm confused as to why you think you should be offering them to anyone, frankly. Or why I would be "upset" if yours do not jibe w/ mine.

Secondly, it's super annoying to write something and for you and the other busy body to keep twisting and misinterpreting and misquoting me. Is it a reading comprehension problem, Lotsa? Or are you just purposely trying to be annoying? I can't tell anymore.

Thirdly, it's not fun posting to a dating thread when only two ppl on it are dating.

But HOLD UP!!!! How does this thread suddenly have 14 new posts today!??

That's what i'm talking about! Ladies, keep this up and I will start posting again! (Or if not, I might revisit this other dating discussion group I found yrs ago...if it's still active.)

tinksaysboo · January 2

sooo I was actually going to share a story related to your sex party guy @spiderlashes5000 but then just kind of went internet MIA and the thread went crazy. lets get things back on track

10+ years ago my old best friend (no falling out, just grew apart) was a stripper. She also had/has (same guy) the most stable relationship I've ever seen. She would always try to get me to strip too because "being mixed race you could make a killing". I have zero qualms about people working in the sex industry, it's just not for me. But whenever I brought new boyfriends around she would try to convince them I should strip, and it would usually piss them off. which in turn would piss me off because I would take their disapproval of strippers.

Huge pet peeve of mine: people looking down at strippers. You have no idea why they are stripping. Not all stripper strip because they feel they have no other option. Stripping made my friend feel empowered. And she felt she was was helping keep some creeps from being creeps on the street! Her boyfriend (now husband) made bank working in the technology sector and always offered to support her if she wanted to stop, but even if she won the lottery she would still strip.

I don't think I could date a guy who had regular contact with women. I get jealous, but refuse to act on my jealousy because I know I am overreacting, so then it festers. no bueno.

spiderlashes5000 · January 2

Josephine said:
That's ideal. But what if you are not looking for anything specific? And you are just out dating and sharing experiences? I also don't know what there is to agree on or disagree on here.

OMG Thank you! That is exactly my point! Why do I need her approval about who I date and what I choose to share on this site??? Plz let me live!
(And I thought I told her to BLOCK ME if she finds it all so distressing.)

Myrna said:

I guess I dont quite understand dating and not looking for anything specific. If you dont know what you are looking for - what do you wind up with? I think agree/disagree happened when a member was - gently, IMO - challenged about her behavior.

Ummmm challenge my behavior?? Who the hell are you to challenge anything about me? And why are you so invested in my life? PLEASE **** OFF! And save your Victorian sensibilities and psychobabble for Emily Post or Ann Landers or someone who gives a damn! OMG, miss me w/ the arrogance.

Myrna · January 3

Spiderlashes: It was not me who challenged you, as I said, I have been silent on this thread for about 3 months. It was Lotsawaves . And you went off on her. That said, I would like to remind you that this is a public forum, it is not your personal facebook page, where you can delete or challenge people who do not agree with you. If you dont want people to disagree or challenge you - dont post here. We are free to agree or disagree with anything anyone says here, I believe the first amendment is still in effect. This is also not your personal blog or diary. You have been posting for months; an on going saga of misfires with men; and when someone tries to point out that maybe - just maybe - you are hurting yourself or bringing distress on yourself, you go ballistic. You DONT need anyone's approval for what you choose to do or not - but dont expect the women on this thread to simply say OH hey, Spiderlashes, that is so great, funny, awful, etc - when maybe, just maybe we think that it is NOT. You have been monopolizing this thread for months. Maybe its time to give some other gals a chance who may not be all that interested in your blow by blow, every detail, dating life.

spiderlashes5000 · January 3

I hardly think I'm preventing other women from posting. It's not like there is a limit to how many ppl can post. And i would LOVE for more women to do so.

I dont personally care what you think about my dating life. I'm saying all the condescending BS is a turn off. And if you keep lecturing & scolding women here for....dating....no one will want to post.

So maybe consider getting a hobby & quit shoving your views on dating down my throat. I DON'T GIVE A ****.

Myrna · January 3

Likewise, Spiderlashes, I dont care what you think of my occasional comment. I did notice, however, that as soon as you exited the stage, albeit explosively, suddenly, magically, more women started posting. I think perhaps others as well do not care to hear your blow by blow accounting of every single encounter you have with a guy. And, I do think this is thread for us gals to help one another, not just to say OH GREAT when we dont think its great. If you dont want feedback - why are you posting?? just to hear yourself think?

Lotsawaves · January 3

This may not be a question for me, but (always a but) when you end a relationship becuz the relationship ran its course is different from when you go thru a traumatic ending. I have been divorced for over 27 years. Several relationships that ended on good terms. My last one I was for 3 1/2 years. Got engaged. He couldn't make a commitment and I finally broke up with him over this. He came back 6 months later wanting to get married. I wanted to just date for a week for us to know if this was what we wanted, especially him was really ready for. After a week he broke up with me & within a few months he married someone else. During that week I knew I didn't want to be with him. I feel nothing for him. I still can't get over what he did. I knew he had been cheating on me. Can I trust again? IDK. My FWB is wanting to spend more time with me. I don't want just a sexual relationship with a man. I try to explain this to him, but he is thinking with his dick. I really just want to be with myself right now. No drama, no stress.

spiderlashes5000 · January 3

tinksaysboo said:

sooo I was actually going to share a story related to your sex party guy @spiderlashes5000 but then just kind of went internet MIA and the thread went crazy. lets get things back on track

10+ years ago my old best friend (no falling out, just grew apart) was a stripper. She also had/has (same guy) the most stable relationship I've ever seen. She would always try to get me to strip too because "being mixed race you could make a killing". I have zero qualms about people working in the sex industry, it's just not for me. But whenever I brought new boyfriends around she would try to convince them I should strip, and it would usually piss them off. which in turn would piss me off because I would take their disapproval of strippers.

Huge pet peeve of mine: people looking down at strippers. You have no idea why they are stripping. Not all stripper strip because they feel they have no other option. Stripping made my friend feel empowered. And she felt she was was helping keep some creeps from being creeps on the street! Her boyfriend (now husband) made bank working in the technology sector and always offered to support her if she wanted to stop, but even if she won the lottery she would still strip.

Yeah, I just don't have much insight to that industry/lifestyle at all. I have known only one person who worked as a stripper. We were both in grad school. Or maybe she was in undergrad but I was in grad school. We both had dogs and a bunch of us would take our dogs onto the campus Oval in the evenings. She was a bit strange but I later heard she had been raped. Not sure how long before I met her the rape had taken place. And a guy I dated said his exwife had been a stripper while in college, shortly after she had also been raped. Hmmmm and come to think of it, a woman in another online group I visit is also a stripper and rape survivor. I hope that's just an unfortunate coincidence; and it prbly is as they are only three ppl out of who knows how many.

Do you think knowing the reasons why particular women work as strippers would change ppl's perceptions of them? See, I tend to think it might not make a difference bc most ppl feel threatened by it, regardless of the reason. But I could be wrong.

tinksaysboo said:

I don't think I could date a guy who had regular contact with women. I get jealous, but refuse to act on my jealousy because I know I am overreacting, so then it festers. no bueno.

That may be closer to the reason why the guys you dated didn't like thinking about the possibility of you stripping?

Josephine · January 3

Myrna said:

I guess I dont quite understand dating and not looking for anything specific. If you dont know what you are looking for - what do you wind up with?

Whatever comes across and you pick if you like it or not. It's kind of like window shopping. Not everyone is looking for anything specific.

I suppose if you had to ask me what my intentions are when I go to meet someone, I'll be happy if it's anywhere from good convo(for those few hours), learning something new (which I do about the city since I'm not from here), good sex or leading to it later, or someone to hang out with doing an activity I like(usually going to games) since I don't have many friends or activity partners here. If it lead to a real relationship, that would be great too. Overall I am just dating for fun, and at times specifically looking for sex.

Josephine · January 3

O wow, I just read through all the posts. Personally I think there is usually a problem, when someone doesn't think 'oh great; and 'you should stop doing this' is usually if they are uncomfortable with something that they can't relate to or understand and then impose their beliefs on to it.

For example, I currently need to like someone a good bit to enjoy sex with him. In the beginning I also talk about him a lot(to the point some people think I am in love). Therefore I have some feelings for my FWB and sometimes he hurts me(emotionally) and I am okay with that because I still get much more benefits out of the whole experience, but I still need to vent to my friends. A friend of mine cannot understand this at all and we had a recent falling out and since she's known me for 15 + years, been there for all my breakups and I've explained myself to her so many times. I've also had similar FWB where it's faded out fine(as this one is too). I just realized she's incapable of understanding me(which sucks because I've shared such personal things with her) and gets too weird so I've stopped talking to her about my dating life or anything really. We are both single and dating but looking for different things and have had different experiences. I understand and support her, but she does not understand me at all.

Just sharing..I know this is not directly relevant to the topic but maybe a little.

Lotsawaves · January 3

I love your honesty & free spirit, Josephine. I was like that after my divorce & I was in my 40's. At 67, I think I'm losing my Mojo. My daughter & I love to watch the Sex In The City reruns. Yesterday she told me that I have gone from being Samantha to being Miranda.

tinksaysboo · January 3

spiderlashes5000 said:

She was a bit strange but I later heard she had been raped. Not sure how long before I met her the rape had taken place. And a guy I dated said his exwife had been a stripper while in college, shortly after she had also been raped. Hmmmm and come to think of it, a woman in another online group I visit is also a stripper and rape survivor. I hope that's just an unfortunate coincidence; and it prbly is as they are only three ppl out of who knows how many.

Do you think knowing the reasons why particular women work as strippers would change ppl's perceptions of them? See, I tend to think it might not make a difference bc most ppl feel threatened by it, regardless of the reason. But I could be wrong.

My friend never opened up to me about sexual assault, but she did grow up in & out of the foster care system in the city. I think a bit of both. I am sure there is a study some where about the background of people in different sectors of the sex industry.

I personally think the stigma that you are an immoral person for being in the sex industry needs to change. A person should be able to do with their body whatever they want. I am actually in favor of legalizing prostitution but putting regulations around it like in the Netherlands. If you aren't comfortable with it, don't participate in it.

spiderlashes5000 said:
That may be closer to the reason why the guys you dated didn't like thinking about the possibility of you stripping?

Oh very much likely. When I was younger I very much had the mindset of "who the hell are you to tell me what I choose to do with my body"? I still have that mindset (hence above) but I am understanding & respectful to the fact that even though its your body, it's nice to have it be something special you share with just your significant other.

Josephine · January 3

Lotsawaves said:

I love your honesty & free spirit, Josephine. I was like that after my divorce & I was in my 40's. At 67, I think I'm losing my Mojo. My daughter & I love to watch the Sex In The City reruns. Yesterday she told me that I have gone from being Samantha to being Miranda.

Thanks. I was a bit down before(a few years after my last breakup), but the past year I've been having fun. I have highs and lows.

So funny, I'm beginning to watch SATC again and enjoying it much more now. I used to watch it in my 20's but it wasn't as relevant then, since I had a bf and wasn't out there dating.

Myrna · January 4

An awful lot of women who work in the "sex industy" were sexually abused. Also, lets examine that phrase, "sex industry", because it really means "sex on demand for men" industry, doesnt it? While I realize that women have supported themselves since the beginning of time as prostitutes - "the world's oldest profession" - and I dont judge - I also feel that the sex industry in general creates and perpetuates a climate in which sex is available to men on demand, whenever, however they want it - and this contributes to the sexual abuse of women - and children, for that matter. Men think they are entitled to - whatever. "Me too."

tinksaysboo · January 4

Myrna said:

Also, lets examine that phrase, "sex industry", because it really means "sex on demand for men" industry, doesnt it?

I don't define the sex industry like that at all. The sex industry has nothing to do with a specific gender or sexuality. It encompasses all. It's any type of occupation that deals with sex. So strippers, porn stars, prostitutes, sex party hosts, sex toy stores, ect.

Lotsawaves · January 4

I think there are many reasons why a woman would get into the sex industry. Not just becuz they are rape victims. Some are paying off school loans, single moms who need extra money to provide for their children, some who love entertaining, etc. Yes, there are some who may be feeding a habit, either theirs or their bf. I, personally, don't like that women are strippers (entertainers) prostitutes, porn stars becuz I feel it demeans women. I don't think men respect women enough & it makes it harder when we are showing ourselves as nothing more then sex objects to satisfy them.

Myrna · January 4

Tinksaysboo, i dont agree with you on this. Sex toys, and sex toy parties as they relate to women are very recent. I would say the sex industry is to men as the makeup industry is to women. Meaning that while there may be a few men that use makeup mostly the makeup industry is marketed to women. And while there may be some women who benefit from the sex industry mostly it is men who benefit and it is at the expense of women. I do think the sex industry exploits women and a number of pornstars have written their autobiographies and have a tested in great detail to that fact.

Lotsawaves · January 4

I am a subscriber to a youtube vlogger...Channon Rose. She is a retired porn star. She is now married & just recently had a baby. I watched her birth online. She wrote a book & has a makeup line that I really like. Some of the stories she tells are hard to listen to. Just tells you what some people will do for money. She was totally in it for the money. I really like her & enjoy her vloggs.

spiderlashes5000 · January 4

Josephine said:

O wow, I just read through all the posts. Personally I think there is usually a problem, when someone doesn't think 'oh great; and 'you should stop doing this' is usually if they are uncomfortable with something that they can't relate to or understand and then impose their beliefs on to it.

For example, I currently need to like someone a good bit to enjoy sex with him. In the beginning I also talk about him a lot(to the point some people think I am in love). Therefore I have some feelings for my FWB and sometimes he hurts me(emotionally) and I am okay with that because I still get much more benefits out of the whole experience, but I still need to vent to my friends. A friend of mine cannot understand this at all and we had a recent falling out and since she's known me for 15 + years, been there for all my breakups and I've explained myself to her so many times. I've also had similar FWB where it's faded out fine(as this one is too). I just realized she's incapable of understanding me(which sucks because I've shared such personal things with her) and gets too weird so I've stopped talking to her about my dating life or anything really. We are both single and dating but looking for different things and have had different experiences. I understand and support her, but she does not understand me at all.

Just sharing..I know this is not directly relevant to the topic but maybe a little.

Right! And they just keep digging their heels in, getting more and more adamant that you're WRONG WRONG WRONG! (And add in being misquoted 20 different times and you're ready to jump out of a window so you don't have to hear/read it anymore!

Yeah, continuing the conversation at that point serves no purpose. It's not fun anymore.

I'm pretty narrow in my own preferences and core values but I am still willing to listen and engage w/o beating a person to death w/ judgment.

My bestie (for 31 yrs) and I have NEVER seen eye-to-eye on men and dating and relationships. Right now she is involved in a situation I personally would not want but I'm happy to discuss it w/ her and give her my unbiased feedback if she asks.

Yes, I def see how your example is relevant to the **** show on this thread!

Myrna · January 4

When I want to vent - I say that to my friends. And they say that to me. What that means is something like..."I dont need you to fix this for me or even problem solve with me, I just need you to be a helpful ear". From there, I may or may not progress to wanting to do some problem solving or get feedback. These are long friendships, going way back to college days, in most cases. so I know these gals and they know me. I think its a different story on line; on line, you do not know your audience, and on this thread specifically, part of the ****show you reference, is that some pretty personal things have been shared, which for some is TMI, and BTW, that does not make me or anyone else Victorian, Puritanical - or OLD. It means that this is not the venue for intimate details, IMO. You are free to disagree. But, going back to disagreement, I will say again: dating on the internet means you are casting a very wide net, and as such, you do not know what you may pull in. That is why I think its important to know what you are looking for, what you want and do not want - in other words, have a good **** detector, and use it. If not, you may wind up in some very scary situations, with some very scary people.

Lotsawaves · January 4

I have a neighbor who has a FWB that she wants more with even tho' he said he wants nothing else. She vents to me & other neighbors whenever she see us.. She has even stalked him & shows up at his house & has caught him with other women. She is doing online dating and choosing the wrong men (one night stands thinking they will fall in love with her) & so she vents to us about them. I find her to be a person who is making the wrong choices & draining other people with her drama. When I see her I walk in the opposite direction. I feel if you are going to make stupid choices then deal with it. Don't bring me in on it. I have my own life to deal with.

Myrna · January 4

Lotsawaves, I agree with you. And part of why I agree with you, is that when I was between marriages and was on line and dating, I DID make some bad choices, and I am sure my friends were very frustrated with me, and worried as well. I may have lost a friend because of who I was for a period of time. Then I encountered an on line friend - a man - who offered to help me, and help me he did. He was good for his word. He insisted that I needed to figure out what I wanted; and know the difference between what I wanted and what I needed, because they may be (and they were!) different. At first, I was so frustrated, I did not know what he was talking about. Then I began to understand. Things got better from that point forward. It took a while.

Lotsawaves · January 4

I have learned to listen to my family & friends. They are on the outside & can see things that you may not be willing to see. I'm glad you found your special person. I hope to one day find mine, as well.

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