The Official Online Dating Diaries Thread

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  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,898Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    edited November 2018
    As you probably know I don't like labeling people, but maybe consider he is a narcissist.  If so, it is a no win situation.  SL. you know what you want in a relationship.  I know for myself I want to feel that the person cares about me & my feelings. It needs to be a give & take relationship.  Your relationship with him is pretty new & you are already frustrated with him.  Do you think it will get better?  
    Oh gosh, no. He's a very caring person. No malice or ulterior motives. 

    I do believe he cares for me and has said so. It's just so hard work around at this stage where we need to communicate in order to see each other and to start to feel secure and try to meet each other's needs. 

    If someone just locked us in a house together and told us we're married and this is it, I could adapt just fine bc I know he's a really nice, smart, funny person. But it's like I just don't see any way of us getting there...bc communication and empathy are needed to even plan the simplest of dates. That's to say nothing of trying to smooth over arguments, commit to each other, build trust, plan trips, etc.

    I really love him. But I just can't see getting around this. So I am forcing myself to date other ppl and hoping I forget about him. :'(  

  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    No matter what it is, the big question is, does she want to live with this.  There is the probability  that he won't change.  I am pretty selfish in my life & would never accept being treated this way.  Life is too short.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    Josephine said:
    As you probably know I don't like labeling people, but maybe consider he is a narcissist. 
    LOL, I doubt that he is based on what she's said. It sounds like textbook aspergers.
    Josephine said:
    As you probably know I don't like labeling people, but maybe consider he is a narcissist. 
    LOL, I doubt that he is based on what she's said. It sounds like textbook aspergers.
    Not sure why you are laughing.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    No matter what it is, the big question is, does she want to live with this.  There is the probability  that he won't change.  I am pretty selfish in my life & would never accept being treated this way.  Life is too short.
    Yep, people don't really change. Was laughing because the two things are different and it was off. Sorry if it offended you.
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    As you probably know I don't like labeling people, but maybe consider he is a narcissist.  If so, it is a no win situation.  SL. you know what you want in a relationship.  I know for myself I want to feel that the person cares about me & my feelings. It needs to be a give & take relationship.  Your relationship with him is pretty new & you are already frustrated with him.  Do you think it will get better?  
    Oh gosh, no. He's a very caring person. No malice or ulterior motives. 

    I do believe he cares for me and has said so. It's just so hard work around at this stage where we need to communicate in order to see each other and to start to feel secure and try to meet each other's needs. 

    If someone just locked us in a house together and told us we're married and this is it, I could adapt just fine bc I know he's a really nice, smart, funny person. But it's like I just don't see any way of us getting there...bc communication and empathy are needed to even plan the simplest of dates. That's to say nothing of trying to smooth over arguments, commit to each other, build trust, plan trips, etc.

    I really love him. But I just can't see getting around this. So I am forcing myself to date other ppl and hoping I forget about him. :'(  
    Sorry :(. Has he called to check up on you? How is your dog? I hope you do tell him eventually what he needs to work on.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,898Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    Josephine said:
    How old is he? Asking because I didn't realize how selfish I was until recently in life, around 37. I really liked one of my exes because when I did something inconsiderate which I had no clue about, he told me and I never did it again. But even his patience wore out. I wish most people communicated more. 

    Have you pointed to him out ways in which he is selfish? It's not your job to teach him or be with him if you are not getting what you need. But the last thing you said(emotions and reciprocity are a big deal to you), which is true for most people, him included, is something you need to tell him(and not 'hysterically' but just directly). He probably has no idea how bad it is. And he may not until after you break up but at least tell him so that he knows to work on it if he wants to. And if he wants to have anyone close in his life continuously, friends or otherwise. Can help him at work and just life in general. 
    He just turned 45. Yeah, he knows he offends ppl and is often misinterpreted. But I don't think he understands the self-centeredness. He had one long relationship but beyond that dating has been hit or miss for him and nothing lasts. Women get fed up and he doesn't really understand why, gets dumped suddenly and doesn't see it coming. Can't read the signs that would be obvious to most. Even with me, he always misattributes my intentions and my reactions to him. And we had been out a few times and I was already posting about him here and telling everyone about him and one day he kind of timidly asked me if i was interested in him bc he didn't know. And he has never asked me out on a date; he can't figure out how to do it.

    I guess I get frustrated with him and hurt but yeah, maybe I have not calmly pointed out how something he is doing is "selfish" or "inconsiderate." I guess by that point, my pride is already hurt and I'm not really trying to be helpful. He will apologize if I bring something to his attn but we're often already arguing. And bc dating has been so stressful and confusing for him, he has all but given up. He's taken long breaks away from dating and is a lot more guarded and quick to disengage if it starts to feel stressful. I don't want to stress him; maybe my presence in his life will just be too stressful?

    I guess intellectually I realize he has these differences and I shouldn't take any of this personally. But sometimes emotionally, he frustrates me, and I forget.

    You're right tho, he really has no idea how different he is. (And I love most of the differences.)

    The "narc" assumption really is a thing. There are a lot of videos on YT explaining how to tell the difference btwn an Aspie and a Narc! lol  (But I never thought he was.)

  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,898Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    Josephine said:

    Sorry :(. Has he called to check up on you? How is your dog? I hope you do tell him eventually what he needs to work on.
    He still has not said one thing about the dog. But he and I were texting quite a bit yesterday. Dog is doing somewhat better. He is scooting around on his butt and can walk a few steps on three legs but his fourth leg is useless, front of toes dragging on the ground. He's so depressed. Chiropractic appt tomorrow, steroids twice daily. Thnx  :'(

  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Even with me, he always misattributes my intentions and my reactions to him.

    Yes and it goes both ways. I've learned to read others better so I understand more how normal people communicate but I haven't learned how to change myself so that others  don't misinterpret me. Although I am able to for first hour or so in a meeting(at a party or bar) and for an interview, etc. so I give off a great first impression. I've learned to mimic others but after a while it gets tiring. And in the end it doesn't really work. It's as if everyone else is in a different world.

    I guess I get frustrated with him and hurt but yeah, maybe I have not calmly pointed out how something he is doing is "selfish" or "inconsiderate." I guess by that point, my pride is already hurt and I'm not really trying to be helpful.

    Makes total sense. I have seen this. You may feel like he doesn't really love or care about you.

    And bc dating has been so stressful and confusing for him, he has all but given up. He's taken long breaks away from dating and is a lot more guarded and quick to disengage if it starts to feel stressful.

    I have as well. Still open to meeting someone for real but haven't had a chance to see if I can improve now that i know what the issues are. It's so hard to be something else. I have resorted to just hanging out myself and with others for short periods of times(so flings and the few friends I have who have accepted me but I still hang out with them in short bursts and have more superficial type friends to fill space).

    You may be stressing him out but the main problem is that he is stressing you out. You need someone more compatible. 

    The "narc" assumption really is a thing.

    I can see that because of the self centeredness but narcs I assumed are in love with themselves and love attention and praise. And I'm thinking don't care at all about others on deep level. It's hard to spot asperberger's. I've only told a few people and a couple don't believe me. You have to be very observant and know the person quite well.



  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,898Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    Josephine said:
    Even with me, he always misattributes my intentions and my reactions to him.

    Yes and it goes both ways. I've learned to read others better so I understand more how normal people communicate but I haven't learned how to change myself so that others  don't misinterpret me. Although I am able to for first hour or so in a meeting(at a party or bar) and for an interview, etc. so I give off a great first impression. I've learned to mimic others but after a while it gets tiring. And in the end it doesn't really work. It's as if everyone else is in a different world.

    I guess I get frustrated with him and hurt but yeah, maybe I have not calmly pointed out how something he is doing is "selfish" or "inconsiderate." I guess by that point, my pride is already hurt and I'm not really trying to be helpful.

    Makes total sense. I have seen this. You may feel like he doesn't really love or care about you.

    And bc dating has been so stressful and confusing for him, he has all but given up. He's taken long breaks away from dating and is a lot more guarded and quick to disengage if it starts to feel stressful.

    I have as well. Still open to meeting someone for real but haven't had a chance to see if I can improve now that i know what the issues are. It's so hard to be something else. I have resorted to just hanging out myself and with others for short periods of times(so flings and the few friends I have who have accepted me but I still hang out with them in short bursts and have more superficial type friends to fill space).

    You may be stressing him out but the main problem is that he is stressing you out. You need someone more compatible. 

    The "narc" assumption really is a thing.

    I can see that because of the self centeredness but narcs I assumed are in love with themselves and love attention and praise. And I'm thinking don't care at all about others on deep level. It's hard to spot asperberger's. I've only told a few people and a couple don't believe me. You have to be very observant and know the person quite well.



    I'm so glad you're in this conversation!

    I hate to admit you may be right about needing someone who is more compatible. I really love him but dating him has been sooooooo stressful for me. About every Thursday night as the wknd would draw near, my stomach would tighten up in knots, in anticipation of some big misunderstanding, plans that never got made, a change that was never communicated, or him feeling exhausted. (Yep, he's always mentally exhausted and I think it comes from masking to try to fit in somewhat.) He's such and awesome guy but says he knows he's not easy to love. And in my mind I 'm saying, "sooo untrue. I fell in love with you the day I met you! You just don't know how to date."

    Funny thing is I have never met anyone else w/ AS and I didn't know him well. I barely knew what AS was. And only a few weeks in, it just hit me over the head. And I looked up all the signs. 

    ***
    So as I mentioned upthread, I started seeing a new guy. And the new guy was wondering if I had been seeing anyone else and if so, what happened to end it. I really don't want to have this conversation bc in my heart, it's not over

  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    I found this interesting....
    High-Functioning Autism (Asperger’s)Narcissism
    Does not understand social interactionManipulative
    Does not do silent treatmentUses silent treatment as a weapon
    You can say noMay punish you if you say no
    Does not do guilt tripsUses guilt trips as a manipulative tool
    Does not sit on the “pity pot”Feels sorry for themselves and envious of others’ successes
    Clueless about damage they cause even though they can be hurtful and selfishHurts other people’s feelings and doesn’t care
    Lacks empathy, but is not maliciousLacks empathy, and may be malicious
    Lacks intuitionHas intuition and uses it to get narcissistic supply
    Not connected to their feelingsHyper-connected to their feelings
    Tends to be one-dimensionalTends to flip into different modes or personalities (Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde)
    Does not blame othersTends to blame others
    Wants a playbook (structure and predictability)Wants chaos and control
    Triggered by lack of familiarityTriggered by ego threats
    On a spectrum from low functioning to high functioningOn a spectrum from “normal”-range behavior to psychopathy/antisocial personality
    Not sensitiveInsensitive

     

    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I'm so glad you're in this conversation!

    I hate to admit you may be right about needing someone who is more compatible. I really love him but dating him has been sooooooo stressful for me. About every Thursday night as the wknd would draw near, my stomach would tighten up in knots, in anticipation of some big misunderstanding, plans that never got made, a change that was never communicated, or him feeling exhausted. (Yep, he's always mentally exhausted and I think it comes from masking to try to fit in somewhat.) He's such and awesome guy but says he knows he's not easy to love. And in my mind I 'm saying, "sooo untrue. I fell in love with you the day I met you! You just don't know how to date."

    Funny thing is I have never met anyone else w/ AS and I didn't know him well. I barely knew what AS was. And only a few weeks in, it just hit me over the head. And I looked up all the signs. 

    ***
    So as I mentioned upthread, I started seeing a new guy. And the new guy was wondering if I had been seeing anyone else and if so, what happened to end it. I really don't want to have this conversation bc in my heart, it's not over
    Aw thanks. He is right, he is very tough to date. People don't see it at first but will as you have seen. I admit, like you, even though I know nt people mean well and I learned to understand they are not purposefully being mean, since to me it is, I automatically distance myself and cant help but feel hurt, as you do. With friends, depending on what else they have to offer, I keep them around or cut them off. If I keep them as friends, I still never feel close. Which is the story of my life. I've recently made a friend here and she doesn't seem to get offended when I'm too blunt or annoying. She just says she cant deal, goes to sleep and always responds the next day and is over it which I really appreciate. Of course for long term relationships this won't work.

    It's nice and smart of you to notice that something is off(that he has no control over) instead of assuming the worst and writing him off as just 'weird'.

    Hmm..how long have you been seeing new guy? Yea it's definitely not clearly over so he's wanting to know who else you are seeing. That usually doesn't come up until stuff gets serious or I assume most people just lie.


  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,898Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    Josephine said:
    I'm so glad you're in this conversation!

    I hate to admit you may be right about needing someone who is more compatible. I really love him but dating him has been sooooooo stressful for me. About every Thursday night as the wknd would draw near, my stomach would tighten up in knots, in anticipation of some big misunderstanding, plans that never got made, a change that was never communicated, or him feeling exhausted. (Yep, he's always mentally exhausted and I think it comes from masking to try to fit in somewhat.) He's such and awesome guy but says he knows he's not easy to love. And in my mind I 'm saying, "sooo untrue. I fell in love with you the day I met you! You just don't know how to date."

    Funny thing is I have never met anyone else w/ AS and I didn't know him well. I barely knew what AS was. And only a few weeks in, it just hit me over the head. And I looked up all the signs. 

    ***
    So as I mentioned upthread, I started seeing a new guy. And the new guy was wondering if I had been seeing anyone else and if so, what happened to end it. I really don't want to have this conversation bc in my heart, it's not over
    Aw thanks. He is right, he is very tough to date. People don't see it at first but will as you have seen. I admit, like you, even though I know nt people mean well and I learned to understand they are not purposefully being mean, since to me it is, I automatically distance myself and cant help but feel hurt, as you do. With friends, depending on what else they have to offer, I keep them around or cut them off. If I keep them as friends, I still never feel close. Which is the story of my life. I've recently made a friend here and she doesn't seem to get offended when I'm too blunt or annoying. She just says she cant deal, goes to sleep and always responds the next day and is over it which I really appreciate. Of course for long term relationships this won't work.

    It's nice and smart of you to notice that something is off(that he has no control over) instead of assuming the worst and writing him off as just 'weird'.

    Hmm..how long have you been seeing new guy? Yea it's definitely not clearly over so he's wanting to know who else you are seeing. That usually doesn't come up until stuff gets serious or I assume most people just lie.


    I just met the new guy 10 days ago! Maybe he was just making small talk and not needling me for info. But I don't want to discuss that with him at this point, either way. And just telling him "I don't want to discuss that" would seem sketchy. And yesterday Tre (Aspergers corrections ofcr) asked me if I am hanging out w/ anyone. Tre just needs to propose to me! All prblms solved.

    But seriously, do you tell guys you meet you have Aspergers? Wouldn't that help? It would have made me feel so much better if Tre would have told me. But of course, he didn't even know. Even now that he scored really high on the self screening tool, I sometimes don't trust it bc it's not a diagnosis from a neurologist and I ask myself, "what if he's just an a-hole?" A narc! LOL


  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    edited November 2018
    Tre just needs to propose to me! All prblms solved.

    Omg you are crazy and sound like one of my friends. No all problems won't be solved!! :

    But seriously, do you tell guys you meet you have Aspergers? Wouldn't that help? It would have made me feel so much better if Tre would have told me. But of course, he didn't even know. Even now that he scored really high on the self screening tool, I sometimes don't trust it bc it's not a diagnosis from a neurologist and I ask myself, "what if he's just an a-hole?" A narc! LOL

    I haven't met anyone serious or worth telling since I realized I have it. Well I told a lover/friend because he's nice and mature and I could tell I was annoying him in at least one way since we weren't really clicking on my last visit. He told me he previously hung out with an aspie and said she talked so much he was relieved when she left.

    I don't like telling people unless I get close and comfortable because there have been a few people who don't believe me and that's beyond annoying and it makes me distrust them. Also a lot of men tend to think women exaggerate and make up stuff so I need to feel that they are emotionally intelligent enough for me to share. There is a guy I mentioned here before that I've been talking to since March, we are friends and occasionally hook up. We share a lot of aspects of our lives with each other(current relationships/escapades/etc) but I haven't told him that yet. Not sure what good it would do.

    Speaking of, I actually told a childhood friend of mine who is a psychiatrist and she didn't believe me. When I went to see a pscyh for the first time earlier this year for ADHD meds, he didnt' seem to believe me either even though he had only known me for 20 minutes. I'm not sure how they officially diagnose it. All I know is that I've read up exensively on it and nothing has sounded more accurate about anything this in my life. So no need to get officially diagnosed, there is no actual medicine for it that is a cure all. I've heard probiotics help and I do believe diet has a lot to do with it(eliminating gluten, dairy, etc). I am working on that anyways since my energy level is low. Anyways sorry for derailing this thread about this but it is nice to talk about it to someone!

  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,898Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    Josephine said:
    Tre just needs to propose to me! All prblms solved.

    Omg you are crazy and sound like one of my friends. No all problems won't be solved!! :
    Just kidding! Seriously, AS is the least of his problems! 
    ***
    Minor issue: A guy named J made contact w/ me on the site about three weeks ago. I thought he was good looking but I did not vet him properly and I gave him my # prematurely. I popped up as someone he might know on FB and he requested my friendship. Stupidly, I accepted. Not a big deal, since I can always unfriend or block him. But he noticed we have a mutual friend. It's a woman I work with. (I actually posted about her here several yrs ago. She and I used to walk together at lunch but I started noticing she was very moody. Then suddenly she was hospitalized for depression for several months.) A couple of yrs after she returned to work, she confided in me she was in trouble w/ the IRS and she was terrified. So I gave her my CPA's # (he's also a close friend). She wound up asking my CPA out and then becoming very angry w/ him when he wouldn't do something she wanted during the IRS hearing. She and I still speak but our friendship essentially ended at that point. 

    Anyway, J met her on the dating site and they have been talking for a few months. She invited him to Thanksgiving dinner at her house but he declined. He's fairly new to Ohio so she might have invited him to be hospitable or maybe she really likes him. IDK. But I don't think J is serious about her (obviously, since he has been pestering the hell out of me for he past three weeks). J said since he and I have become friends on FB, she has been "acting funny" towards him and seems "mad at him."

    Well, IDk if she even realized yet J and I are FB friends or if she even cares. But she is a loose cannon! Seriously, I'm almost afraid to talk to her bc I never know what is going to upset her. 

    Anyway, I finally spoke to J on the phone last night. Blechhh not interested. Do I say anything to her like, "no need to worry about anything going on btwn me and J"? Or do I just block J on my phone and FB to avoid an unpleasant conversation btwn me and this woman? If J mentioned her to me, it's possible he will mention me to her, if she ever speaks to him again.



  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    You sure do get in some weird situations.  LOL...
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • GretchenGretchen Administrator Posts: 10,840Moderators Curl Virtuoso
    Holy cow!  I MUST remember to check this thread more often!

    Gretchen
    NaturallyCurly.com co-founder
    3A

    You are beautiful!
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    I've been talking to this man I recently met on POF.  We can talk forever.  It is so nice that we are compatible with politics.  We were suppose to meet for coffee today, but I have a bad cold.  It rained & I have been miserable.  We have both decided if there is no spark we will be friends.  We have so much in common.  Who knows?  :)
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    So, I had a late lunch with the man on POF.  I wasn't unattracted to him & we got along really good.  I had fun.  When we parted ways I felt so sad.  Not that he left.  I felt sad becuz I really don't know if I can love again.  I have another man on POF who is interested.  He is 7 years younger & very attractive. by his pics.  He wants to meet.  I probably will, but I wonder if I will still feel this sadness afterwards.  I don't know how to go forward again.  
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Josephine said:
    Tre just needs to propose to me! All prblms solved.

    Omg you are crazy and sound like one of my friends. No all problems won't be solved!! :
    Just kidding! Seriously, AS is the least of his problems! 
    ***
    Minor issue: A guy named J made contact w/ me on the site about three weeks ago. I thought he was good looking but I did not vet him properly and I gave him my # prematurely. I popped up as someone he might know on FB and he requested my friendship. Stupidly, I accepted. Not a big deal, since I can always unfriend or block him. But he noticed we have a mutual friend. It's a woman I work with. (I actually posted about her here several yrs ago. She and I used to walk together at lunch but I started noticing she was very moody. Then suddenly she was hospitalized for depression for several months.) A couple of yrs after she returned to work, she confided in me she was in trouble w/ the IRS and she was terrified. So I gave her my CPA's # (he's also a close friend). She wound up asking my CPA out and then becoming very angry w/ him when he wouldn't do something she wanted during the IRS hearing. She and I still speak but our friendship essentially ended at that point. 

    Anyway, J met her on the dating site and they have been talking for a few months. She invited him to Thanksgiving dinner at her house but he declined. He's fairly new to Ohio so she might have invited him to be hospitable or maybe she really likes him. IDK. But I don't think J is serious about her (obviously, since he has been pestering the hell out of me for he past three weeks). J said since he and I have become friends on FB, she has been "acting funny" towards him and seems "mad at him."

    Well, IDk if she even realized yet J and I are FB friends or if she even cares. But she is a loose cannon! Seriously, I'm almost afraid to talk to her bc I never know what is going to upset her. 

    Anyway, I finally spoke to J on the phone last night. Blechhh not interested. Do I say anything to her like, "no need to worry about anything going on btwn me and J"? Or do I just block J on my phone and FB to avoid an unpleasant conversation btwn me and this woman? If J mentioned her to me, it's possible he will mention me to her, if she ever speaks to him again.


    I would delete him from facebook and not talk to him anymore. Maybe send a text that you are not interested now.
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I've been talking to this man I recently met on POF.  We can talk forever.  It is so nice that we are compatible with politics.  We were suppose to meet for coffee today, but I have a bad cold.  It rained & I have been miserable.  We have both decided if there is no spark we will be friends.  We have so much in common.  Who knows?  :)
    That sounds nice. Hopefully he means the friends part. I love having guy friends.

    So Saturday I was itching to go out for a quick drink and bite near me since I was home all day. Texted this guy who lives near me to meet up. We were introduced casually through a mutual friend. Met up once but been hard to plan anything after since he's always travelling and I wasn't too interested romantically but I could tell he may have been. 

    Anyways we went out, it was nice, kissed and was nice(but not the best). Was pretty turned on. We're meeting probably in a couple weeks when he's back in town. Let's see what happens. I think I just need some again lol.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,898Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    edited December 2018
    Is a man telling you he has NINE children (and never been married) grounds enough to stop talking to him? Like would any of you hesitate to admit that's the reason you're losing his number? Asking for a friend...who encountered this twice in the past three weeks.  :D

  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Umm are you serious. That would be the reason to run. Married or not. But I run from any number lol. 
  • tinksaysbootinksaysboo Posts: 543Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Curl Virtuoso
    So this weekend I am hanging out with this guys who I hang out 1:1 with a couple times a year. I don't think they are official dates, but they are kind of datish.  And that makes me feel kind of guilty.

    This all started several years ago. I liked him and he liked me.  We checked out a lot of breweries around Seattle together and attempted geocashing.   We made out.  But we never got pass third base, even when making out in his apartment.  So I ended things.  

    1.) I enjoy sex.  And hate bad sex.  It's important for me to rule out if I enjoy sex with someone before I get serious
    2.) He is really quiet and nice.   I can have an overbearing personality when people let me.  I've dated (and lived with) a guy like him.  I know his personality is not a  good mesh with me.  
    3.) He is too accommodating.  It's always what I want to do.  I make decisions a lot.  I take the reigns of situations a lot.  Not because I want to, but because I like organized fun.  Like point #2, this isn't a good personality mesh for me long run.  I need someone to have strong opinions of their own.

    But I do enjoy grabbing a drink with him.  He seemed a bit upset when I ended things a couple years ago, so I really don't want to bring up the "this is just a friend thing"  I am also curious if he will ever make a more aggressive move!  
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  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    Sometimes opposites can do very well together.  One may make the other go out of their comfort zone & the other may make the other learn to relax & chill.  I think you will know if your differences will work.  You can be friends & enjoy someones company as a friend, but maybe not in a romantic relationship.  Just trust your gut & be honest with him.  If you are not honest then he may think you are just stringing him along. 
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    I have lost interest in the one man I had been talking to and had a date with.  Talking to him more I can tell he is a very jealous person.  I got some beautiful pink orchards from a client & he acted suspicious & started asking me a lot of questions.  I told him my clients who travel to another country bring me back coins, becuz they know I collect coins.  I have been given wines from other countries, gifts and cash tips.  It was a male client, so he got weird about it.  I really should not have had to explain myself.  I had gotten sick for a week & 1/2 and he was calling me.  I texted him to tell him I was sick.  When I felt better and called him he acted very cool towards me.  He asked me in an exasperated voice when I could see him again.  I told him I would call him.  I will not explain why I will never call him again or answer his calls.  I hid my account on POF.  Not having any luck.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,898Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    edited December 2018
    I'm still seeing the new guy. He's nice but not really feeling any fireworks, unfortunately. He would make a great boyfriend, tho! So I wish this could work.

    So Saturday night, he and I caught a movie. When i t was over, he said he was just going to head home. Maybe that was a hint for me to ask if we could go somewhere else or if I could follow him back to his house. But I just told him GN. And as soon as I got in my car, I texted T (corrections officer w/ aspergers who works out). I asked him if i could come by. We had not seen each other in 6 weeks but I had not stopped thinking about him for a minute. 

    So I went over and I had the most awesome time. I don't think I've ever felt this way about anyone!!! More than anything I want this to work out but it's.....so difficult. I just do not know how to make this work. :'(

    (When I got there it was 10pm and he asked me where I was coming. I told him a movie. And asked, "date w/ your boyfrieeeeeeeeend?"  :/  Awkward)

    Anyway, I have always referred to this guy as the CO who works out. Super fit! In the gym 6 days a week. Runs, lifts, eats well, no alcohol, no substances. Gorgeous body! Well...as of 6 weeks ago. I couldn't believe it when I saw hi. He had gained 30 pounds! In 6 weeks! How does a man who kills 6 workouts a week, gain 30 pounds??? He even brought it up, asked me if I had noticed. Well, yeah. I didn't care. But could it have something to do w/ him missing me? Or being depressed for some other reason? So strange! 

  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    So this weekend I am hanging out with this guys who I hang out 1:1 with a couple times a year. I don't think they are official dates, but they are kind of datish.  And that makes me feel kind of guilty.

    This all started several years ago. I liked him and he liked me.  We checked out a lot of breweries around Seattle together and attempted geocashing.   We made out.  But we never got pass third base, even when making out in his apartment.  So I ended things.  

    1.) I enjoy sex.  And hate bad sex.  It's important for me to rule out if I enjoy sex with someone before I get serious
    2.) He is really quiet and nice.   I can have an overbearing personality when people let me.  I've dated (and lived with) a guy like him.  I know his personality is not a  good mesh with me.  
    3.) He is too accommodating.  It's always what I want to do.  I make decisions a lot.  I take the reigns of situations a lot.  Not because I want to, but because I like organized fun.  Like point #2, this isn't a good personality mesh for me long run.  I need someone to have strong opinions of their own.

    But I do enjoy grabbing a drink with him.  He seemed a bit upset when I ended things a couple years ago, so I really don't want to bring up the "this is just a friend thing"  I am also curious if he will ever make a more aggressive move!  
    Do you like hanging out with him? If you do, that's fine. But i guess if it gets more frequent and he's having expectations I would make it clear you just want to be friends. He obviously wants to be more than friends. I'm assuming by your post that you don't anything more than friendship? And it seems like the sexual attraction is just not there. I totally agree with you on the bad sex and figuring that out before you catch feelings. If you're only hanging out a couple times a year, I'm not sure you need to bring anything up and enjoy the moment.
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Anyway, I have always referred to this guy as the CO who works out. Super fit! In the gym 6 days a week. Runs, lifts, eats well, no alcohol, no substances. Gorgeous body! Well...as of 6 weeks ago. I couldn't believe it when I saw hi. He had gained 30 pounds! In 6 weeks! How does a man who kills 6 workouts a week, gain 30 pounds??? He even brought it up, asked me if I had noticed. Well, yeah. I didn't care. But could it have something to do w/ him missing me? Or being depressed for some other reason? So strange! 

    Probably, what else could it be? 
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    It may have more to do with him, not so much you.  What is it that keeps drawing you into him when there are the problems you talk about?  Is it the physical attraction & sparks?  If so, these things can fade when there are factors that are difficult to cope with.  
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,898Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    It may have more to do with him, not so much you.  What is it that keeps drawing you into him when there are the problems you talk about?  Is it the physical attraction & sparks?  If so, these things can fade when there are factors that are difficult to cope with.  
    I just like him so much! He's smart, funny, humble, unpretentious, sensible, settled, affectionate, kind, transparent, self sufficient, responsible, neat. Right age, right height, right ethnicity, right religious beliefs, lives within close proximity to me, close to me in yrs left until retirement...and I could see my son really liking him. I just love being around him.

    Yeah, I guess I am more understanding of the "problems" bc they're largely out of his control.

    I'm not saying I know he's Mr. Right or anything. I totally could lose interest. But I want to continue spending time w/ him and getting to know him better. I just don't know how to do this.

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