Transitioning Indiscretion

AmaratAmarat Registered Users Posts: 13
I'm sure you've all heard it all before, but I'm 14, early in the transition phase, closet transitioner, and rather disgruntled. Not because of my hair but because of the people around me in regards to my hair.

I'm currently wearing Senagalese twists which were installed almost 3 weeks ago so there is evident new growth. I'm not talking about 2 magnificent inches in that short amount of time, but there's definitely something there and I seem to be the only one who sees it.

My mother is also transitioning and started early in the summer, so of course she's made more progress but she feels the need to rub this in my face daily. This is a classic case of the high-yellow biracial vs. the brown-skinned, kinky/curly girl. Her mind is a 2x4 box when it comes to hair and its various forms and her attitude toward diversity is rather adverse. Long story short, she hates my curls and her length makes her feel superior.

A few days ago, she washed her hair after complaining that it was far too dry for her liking. She's under the impression that hair stays lustrous for days on end without any upkeep and I refuse to make her the wiser since she thinks I know nothing about natural hair. Subsequent to stepping foot out of the tub she snapped several pictures and sent them to her sister pertaining her progress and then showed them to me while running her fingers through her tresses and asking if I was jealous.I informed her that based on these pictures, most likely taken after a thorough combing-through, her hair was more wavy since they lacked coils or spirals.

"You're just saying that 'cause you're nappy headed."

I'm used to being called nappy-headed and embrace it from time to time but have become a tad bit negatively impassioned by the term now that I know I'm not housing clusters of knots, but beautiful, tight, kinky spirals and curls that vary in texture and pattern all over my head. Without hesitation, I said, "All I'm saying is your hair is wavy and mine is curly." A comment that the only parts of my hair that are actually curly happen to be hidden in the edges behind my ears and my sideburns.

She and I see "curly" differently. I, as one should, accept anything from 3A all the way down to 4C as curly and am open to/love all different types and textures and patterns. My mother only sees 3A-B as curly; anything tighter than that is nappy and needs a relaxer which is part of the reason I got mine at such an early age.

I won't let her rain on my parade and no matter how dark the clouds, loud the thunder, and dangerous the storm I will continue my journey to grow and better my natural hair and I will do so with/without her help and support. I don't mean to burden you all with my problems, I just felt the need to put that out there to get it off my chest and who knows, there may be someone on here struggling with the same situation.


  • lori.mattoxlori.mattox Registered Users Posts: 210
    I'm not sure about others but I do get that sometimes from family. I know its hard but you look like you're in the right frame of mind for this. I have gotten to the point of always trying to mention something positive about curly hair. For instance, my male cousin said something about my type 4c sisters hair needing work. My reply was that although her hair doesn't come out of the shower as perfect spirals, her twists stay so well together that I'm envious of that property of her hair. Plus, how beautiful I think it is. That usually silences the haters.

    For the case of your mom, my hair was type 2 wavy for most of my transitioning time of 10 months. Now it is a mix of 3C/4A curls without the relaxed hair weighing it down. If its not too abrasive for your relationship, you can mention you just read about it happening to someone here. You can also try pointing out something positive about wavy hair- these habits may be very deeply ingrained into her psyche. My mom is the same way but she's still relaxing.

    Good luck!

    Sent from my SCH-I200 using CurlTalk App
    3C/4A Fine texture, low porosity, low/medium density? Trying CG since Dec. 2013
    Shampoo: Curl's Creamy Curl Cleanser or clarifying shampoo when needed.
    Co-wash: Curl's coconut curlada
    Deep Condition: Experimenting in the kitchen
    oil: flaxseed and coconut for treatments
    Styler: Tresemme conditioner, alone or mixed together with aloe vera gel
    Sealer: aloe vera juice
  • wavydazewavydaze Registered Users Posts: 2,065 Curl Novice
    Amarat, I'm sorry to read all this. From the way you're describing, it doesn't seem to me like it's about hair at all. That's the subject but not the subtext. Yeah she may not like 4c hair or whatever and make negative comments about it.... I'm not saying that's not also the case... but the way she is going about it, it's like she's punishing you/competing or trying to start a weird competition with you (related to looks, hair). I don't think this is healthy mother-daughter dynamics.

    It seems like your mom going through something, I don't know what, but it looks like misdirected aggression. I wish I could give you advice on how to handle it. I guess, if this helps it's not about you. She may try to make it very personal, but what she's saying has much more to do with her preferences and her current state of mind than about you.

    I admire your courage to stay natural amidst parents who are not supportive. Keep on keepin on loving your hair! :)
    2bc/ f / ii. low porosity roots + normal-high porosity shaft where bleached. normal elasticity.

    Currently using:
    Poo: Earthbath Oatmeal & Aloe
    RO: V05 Kiwi Lime
    LI: CJ Smoothing Lotion
    Styler: UFD CM, CJ PP
    PT: CJ Repair Me

    :thumright: hydrolized protein, jelly stylers
    :angry8: guar hydroxypropyltrimonium chloride, sulfates, jojoba oil
    Neutral on cones.

    iherb discount code: CFN646
  • BotticelliBritBotticelliBrit Registered Users Posts: 2,075 Curl Neophyte
    This is really awful to hear. Your mother should be supportive of you in all your endeavours, especially if one of those is to embrace your NATURAL BEAUTY.

    I agree with wavydaze, it's as though she's trying to start some sort of competition and that's not a healthy mother-daughter dynamic. Your mother should always be encouraging and nothing else.

    I think you should tell her that her comments are hurtful and maybe it'll knock some sense into her. Either way, this is HER issue and clearly has something to do with her own self-image. She's probably very insecure, if the only way she feels better is putting her daughter down.

    Stay strong; you have the right attitude and I admire you for sticking to your guns!
    3B. Med porosity. Med thickness. Med density.

    LP: Shea Moisture (currently JBCO)
    Conditioner/CW: Jason Aloe Vera

    LI: Aunt Jackie's Curls & Coils Quench
    Refreshing: TRESemmé Naturals Aloe Vera & Avocado
    Gel: DevaCurl Ultra Defining Gel
    Aunt Jackie's Soft & Sassy Super Duper Softening Conditioner
    Treatments: Coconut oil/Coconut milk

    UK curly. CG since Oct 2013.
    Growing my hair to WL when dry :thumright:

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