Alternate discipline - does your SO support you?

geeky · February 2007

This is kind of a spinoff of the praise article. I've been doing a lot of reading on positive discipline and been really aware of how I talk to Ben. My husband mostly thinks it's a crock of doo doo. I've been trying to get him to read some stuff and I did finally convince him to not tell Ben he was bad after he hit me. Not that husband and I are totally at odds - it's not like he is an old school "spare the rod and spoil the child" authoritarian. We agree on the big things but not on some of the finer implementations.
So, is your SO on board with your child rearing philosophy? And what do you do if he isn't? So far I have been doing my own thing and letting him do his own thing unless I think what he is doing is really misguided (like the "You are bad" incident) in which case I discuss it with him afterwards.

marielle448 · February 2007

whoo boy! It took a while before our discussions went from "that's a load of crap!" to "well I understand that" on both ends. I basically did my own thing but made sure to let hubby know when something worked with Ian. It made it more concrete for him if it worked with our child, vs in theory.

A while back I had a heart to heart with him though and let him know that this (positive discipline) was very important to me and that I couldn't do it alone (I have a heckofa short fuse) so I'd need his support. I told him that if he would be open to books since me telling him stuff came across as nagging. He said he would definitely be open to books so I whipped out my reading list.

He probably regretted making that statement a bit but has been reading and some pretty good discussions have come up from it. Our agreement was that he would read what I've been reading but that if he didn't agree with it I had to respect that. I heartily agreed knowing my husband well enough that when presented with the same info he'd seriously consider it as a valid option. Plus, it's different when he "hears" it from another BTDT parent in a book and not from just me. He can process the info in his own way and then apply it in his own unique way too which has been the bonus.

So he's definitely made an extreme change that I hardly would have believe just 2 years ago.

geeky · February 2007

That's good to hear, marielle. That's the approach I am trying to take too. I won't nag him too much about reading, but hopefully he will look at some of the stuff I leave around and come away with something beyond "this is a crock". I figure if it's working, he will see that.

Then again if he doesn't come around all the way, that's OK too. I think Ben will be able to handle that mommy and daddy do things differently sometimes.

marielle448 · February 2007

yes. Plus in the process of using positive discipline in raising a child you're teaching that child what is acceptable and not acceptable treatment towards them. They pretty soon will learn appropriate ways to request that from others (not just parents but other family and friends).

My favorite is the toddler that put up his hand and said, "no yelling! yelling hurts. Use your words". Truer words were never spoken.

shellibean · February 2007

My husband and I talked about this very early on. We will both be spankers and time-outers (depending on the misbehavoir)

CGNYC · February 2007

I just keep saying YOU WOULDN'T TALK TO TED (our dog) LIKE THAT. It seems to work :roll:

CGE · February 2007

CGNYC wrote:

I just keep saying YOU WOULDN'T TALK TO TED (our dog) LIKE THAT. It seems to work :roll:

Teehee!!!

Oregano (formerly babywavy) · February 2007

CGNYC wrote:

I just keep saying YOU WOULDN'T TALK TO TED (our dog) LIKE THAT. It seems to work :roll:

Oregano (formerly babywavy) · February 2007

I always expected that I would be the strict parent, and my husband would be the easy one who let things go. Now that we're actually parents, it's funny how that has turned around. In most instances, I am the one who goes easier on her. I think it's because I spend more time with her, so I know, when picking my battles, which ones are worth fighting, and which ones are not a big deal and easier to let go. He on the other hand, has less patience with her, and I am usually telling her to go easy on her, and remind him that she is only 2.

However, *I* am also the one who will do the big disciplinary things. I am the one who puts her in time out, and I am the one who will give her a spank on her bum if the time so calls for it. I think I've seen her put her in time out once, and I KNOW he's never laid a hand on her. But once again, I'm the one who is home all day, so I am the one who has to have the primary hold on discipline.

Honestly, what it came down to was listening to some posts on this board from people like Amneris and Trenellem, who would say "you would never pull that stuff with my mom". It made me think of how, culturally, different people would deal with the way they discipline their kids, and how I've seen these kids grow up into adults who respect their parents because they see them as a commanding authority figure.

shellibean · February 2007

My mom always pulls the, "If I would have done _____...my mom would have_______". My mom was more easygoing though. If we were in REAL trouble it was my dad that we were worried about b/c he would lay the smack down! My mom laid the smack down occassionally, but like BW said, she picked her battles and had more patience. (She still does).

DarkAngel · February 2007

I tell my husband about what I have read and he ignores me. Then I "accidently" leave the Dr. Sear's book open to the relevant pages in the bathroom. Then he comes and tells me about the new magnificent behavioral techniques that he and Dr. S have discovered together.

Oregano (formerly babywavy) · February 2007

The biggest lesson I've learned is patience. You can't just always yell "no, no, no" at kids. They're always learning, and so curious, that you have to explain things to them. They don't just follow a "don't do that" command, but respond better when you explain (in short age appropriate sentences, or phrases) the reasons WHY they can't do those things.

Sometimes, you actually need to SHOW them why they can't do it. They're so about cause and effect - and my little one, with the personality that she's always right, sometimes needs to SEE why she can't do a certain thing.

CurlyCanadian · February 2007

DarkAngel wrote:

Then he comes and tells me about the new magnificent behavioral techniques that he and Dr. S have discovered together.

picklesgirl · February 2007

It drives me nuts when you here moms say "just wait 'til your dad gets home" But to me that sounds like passing the buck. I mean I get that you need a partner in raising your kids but you should be able to handle most things on your own. I mean if my son is acting up at 12pm it's not going to do much good for his dad to punish him at 6:30pm ya know. I mean if it's something that is just terrible then I will handle it when it happens and then Dad and I will talk to him when he gest home from work.