Does internet dating affect your self-esteem?

hipchickhipchick Registered Users Posts: 350
For a couple years I have been responding to posts on the net. Some men email and are friendly and when I send my photo i don't hear a word back. Other times they are pleased with my photo and write back. I tend to wonder and dwell though about those who vanish. Do they hate my curls? Am I unattractive to half the men? Many of the men who don't write back aren't even all that attractive. What has been your experience? I am starting to think the net is not good for my mental health and I don't have thick enough skin for it and for the most part I find it a waste of time.

Comments

  • miacurlmiacurl Registered Users Posts: 332
    I think the dating pool is so vast and deep in online dating that people develop a very "attention deficit disorder" kind of affect. Not all people, but enough that it caused me to feel rather poorly. People sometimes are just waiting to see what else is coming around the corner. For me, it was too depressing. I got out of it. Not to say I won't go online again at some point. For now, it is too aggravating.
    2C/3A auburn hair.
    between shoulders and BSL
  • NinjaretteNinjarette Registered Users Posts: 3,982
    Yes, you have to have a very thick skin, for internet "dating". You will never know why folks don't respond to you...you just know they didn't. So, you have to just move on, because there's no emotional investment in any of it (shouldn't be, anyway).

    Internet dating is a supplement for real space, not a replacement. However, it does share a common denominator with real space dating: People will reject you, and you will never know why.

    The disadvantage to pursuing a dating relationship online is that people don't really get to interact with you...as a real, live person. There are certain elements that just don't come across online.

    Finally, people can be very shallow, and the internet magnifies it all. People like what they like, and there's somebody who will like you...what they see initially, with an interest to learn more.

    ...and another thing: As women, we're often more concerned about guys finding us attractive, than us finding them attractive.

    Peace...
    Platinum Product Junkies
    The Facebook
    | The Twitter

    The Product Lines:
    Curl Junkie, b.a.s.k, Siamese Twists, Bobeam, Uncle Funky's Daughter, Amazing Botanicals, Zuresh, Dabur Vatika, Karen's Body Beautiful, Curls Unleased, Broo, Qhemet Biologics, Signature Texture, Darcy's Botanicals, Shea Moisture
  • ninja dogninja dog Registered Users Posts: 23,780 Curl Neophyte
    I think it's good for some people, but I don't really like it, for a variety of reasons. It's just awkward.....the context doesn't work for me.

    As for women worrying that men don't find them attractive, it amazes me how the most dwarfish, uncomely men still feel it's their right to judge a woman by her looks. I have literally found myself sitting across from a man who had outright lied to me about his height while he complained about how a woman he'd met online had posted an old picture, in which she looked better than she did in real life. And then he bragged about "blowing her off."

    Please. Jerk.

    (Not sure how long my disinterest in romance will last, but I'm taking advantage of the peace and quiet while it does so.)
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Registered Users Posts: 9,777 Curl Virtuoso
    This is why I don't contact the men. I let them contact me and I will do the rejecting. Self-esteem, still intact. I'm like this IRL. I'm never the pursuer. I don't call men, either, unless they tell me to call them. I know, I'm old fashioned.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • NinjaretteNinjarette Registered Users Posts: 3,982
    Yep...men think it's their "right" to have a supermodel, even if they look like like something out of a horror movie. Cracks me up.
    Platinum Product Junkies
    The Facebook
    | The Twitter

    The Product Lines:
    Curl Junkie, b.a.s.k, Siamese Twists, Bobeam, Uncle Funky's Daughter, Amazing Botanicals, Zuresh, Dabur Vatika, Karen's Body Beautiful, Curls Unleased, Broo, Qhemet Biologics, Signature Texture, Darcy's Botanicals, Shea Moisture
  • mandyvmandyv Registered Users Posts: 2,437 Curl Connoisseur
    miacurl wrote: »
    I think the dating pool is so vast and deep in online dating that people develop a very "attention deficit disorder" kind of affect. Not all people, but enough that it caused me to feel rather poorly. People sometimes are just waiting to see what else is coming around the corner. For me, it was too depressing. I got out of it. Not to say I won't go online again at some point. For now, it is too aggravating.

    I totally agree!! It's like there's the fantasy of somebody else coming around the corner, somebody perfect, and nobody appreciates who's before them right now. We're a nation of babies...
    3c
    Poo: KBB shampoo bar or Shikai moisturizing shampoo
    CoWash: VO5 kiwi
    Cond: Robert Craig, Tresemme Natural, or Fekkai Shea Butter
    Leave in/Styling: Grapeseed oil, KBB milk, KCCC, and Aveda Confixor
  • rudeechickrudeechick Registered Users Posts: 6,726
    Nea wrote: »
    Yes, you have to have a very thick skin, for internet "dating". You will never know why folks don't respond to you...you just know they didn't. So, you have to just move on, because there's no emotional investment in any of it (shouldn't be, anyway).

    Internet dating is a supplement for real space, not a replacement. However, it does share a common denominator with real space dating: People will reject you, and you will never know why.

    The disadvantage to pursuing a dating relationship online is that people don't really get to interact with you...as a real, live person. There are certain elements that just don't come across online.

    Finally, people can be very shallow, and the internet magnifies it all. People like what they like, and there's somebody who will like you...what they see initially, with an interest to learn more.

    ...and another thing: As women, we're often more concerned about guys finding us attractive, than us finding them attractive.

    Peace...
    All this
    ninja dog wrote: »
    I think it's good for some people, but I don't really like it, for a variety of reasons. It's just awkward.....the context doesn't work for me.

    As for women worrying that men don't find them attractive, it amazes me how the most dwarfish, uncomely men still feel it's their right to judge a woman by her looks. I have literally found myself sitting across from a man who had outright lied to me about his height while he complained about how a woman he'd met online had posted an old picture, in which she looked better than she did in real life. And then he bragged about "blowing her off."

    Please. Jerk.

    (Not sure how long my disinterest in romance will last, but I'm taking advantage of the peace and quiet while it does so.)

    Lol, this as well.

    Its like walking into a bar - some people willl find you attractive and some wont - and vice versa. Its type and chemistry, etc.

    yes it stings when someone "rejects" you, but its one persons opinion. I do pursue - its how I met my SO (not to mention met alot of great guys in the process). Some of them confessed to thinking I wouldnt be interested in them. Some said they were initially flattered and it caused them to look closer. Lots have said "thanks, but no thanks". Big woop. Think of all the guys you wouldnt touch with a ten foot pole - we all have standards and a right to them.

    My one rule is never to be rude, and always to respond, even if I am not interested. I thank them for reaching out, beg off and wish them luckwith their search.
    Curls,Coils,Waves & WhatKnot:geek:
    3miii/My HGs tame bulk&frizz/Give definition w/o crunch
    My Photobucket Album
  • ninja dogninja dog Registered Users Posts: 23,780 Curl Neophyte
    I think that's a great strategy, Rudee. You're polite, assertive, and resilient. Good for you!
  • rudeechickrudeechick Registered Users Posts: 6,726
    ninja dog wrote: »
    I think that's a great strategy, Rudee. You're polite, assertive, and resilient. Good for you!

    I know! And it only took me 47 years!!!!!:shaking2:
    Curls,Coils,Waves & WhatKnot:geek:
    3miii/My HGs tame bulk&frizz/Give definition w/o crunch
    My Photobucket Album
  • hipchickhipchick Registered Users Posts: 350
    Rudee, I think the rudeness is what bothers me the most. I shouldn't take it personally. It really not about me. It is probably more about the men and the culture of the internet. It does not always bring out the best in people!
  • rudeechickrudeechick Registered Users Posts: 6,726
    hipchick wrote: »
    Rudee, I think the rudeness is what bothers me the most. I shouldn't take it personally. It really not about me. It is probably more about the men and the culture of the internet. It does not always bring out the best in people!

    I think you give people too much credit - even in real life alot of them suck!! Yes, the rudeness is mind boggling. It always amazes me when someone behaves in a way I would never.
    Curls,Coils,Waves & WhatKnot:geek:
    3miii/My HGs tame bulk&frizz/Give definition w/o crunch
    My Photobucket Album
  • ninja dogninja dog Registered Users Posts: 23,780 Curl Neophyte
    rudeechick wrote: »
    hipchick wrote: »
    Rudee, I think the rudeness is what bothers me the most. I shouldn't take it personally. It really not about me. It is probably more about the men and the culture of the internet. It does not always bring out the best in people!

    I think you give people too much credit - even in real life alot of them suck!! Yes, the rudeness is mind boggling. It always amazes me when someone behaves in a way I would never.


    Me, too! And yet, can you believe it continues to happen?:laughing8:
  • miacurlmiacurl Registered Users Posts: 332
    I went out to lunch with this one guy...his pictures were great. Telephone was great. Ok-IRL--not AS great as the pictures...but it was ok. I wanted to learn more about HIM as a person vs. his face/physique. We had a great lunch. He called and texted me after that. Then about 5 days later -- and about as many calls and texts--he calls to say that he gets "....Like 20 emails a day on Match.com and I just don't feel a spark with you." Which is fine in and of itself.....it's just that this guy wanted the ego boost of the emails and contacts. All in all it is better I did not have to waste my time, however---I cried after I hung up the phone. I never, ever put myself down as much as I have after I am dumped from an online dating guy gone bad. I say things like---"Oh, I am too tall, I have red hair, men want petite blondes...yaddah yaddah. " I have learned to be better about it and not so hard on myself. I would rather date someone I meet through the courts and in my field (as an attorney), but haven't met anyone yet.....except the enormously cute bailiff at District Court :)
    2C/3A auburn hair.
    between shoulders and BSL
  • vampirecurlsvampirecurls Registered Users Posts: 50
    Online dating does have its appeal for you can meet and talk with men you otherwise would not cross paths with. But it also has a down side..rejection numbers are greater. Most men online simply want the ego boost of many different women contacting them. This stroking of the male ego seems childish or even pointless for it makes you question a mans integrity and worth. A player is fun to flirt with but to look at him as a perspective partner is not worth attempting.
    Many men online present themselves in a light that seems almost too good to be true. If he is all that and a can of beans what's he doing online "fishing".. Or as I like to say..if it looks chicken, sounds like chicken and walks like chicken chance are its chicken..(giggles)

    Often men are forever looking at what might be just over the fence and in doing so ruin all chances that they might of had with a wonderful woman. Online dating presents a unique set of problems for us who are out there looking and in doing so we have to be more aware about the things in between the lines.
    Most men if attractive and successful never have to fish online for a great date. Most men who are single and ambitious are to busy building their mini empire then to spend time fussing over a profile online to catch someones eye. These highly attractive and suitable men are meeting women the old fashion way. Through mutual friends, groups and events where they meet them up close and personal.

    Online dating is a lazy way of meeting men who otherwise in a real life setting couldnt paddle up the stream to save thier life socially. Most dont have jobs, cars, money or have lied about physical flaws but will hang you for yours in a heart beat. The best way to approach this online dating is to see it as entertainment but dont take anything seriously.

    Ive had my share of it and found Id rather be alone then to settle just to have a date with a deadbeat....Id rather wait and meet someone worthy later on while I enjoy myself and being a woman with freedom of self expression, devotion to faith and loyality to friends.
  • rbbrbb Registered Users Posts: 4,355 Curl Connoisseur
    vampirecurls -- it is not all that bad. first, i think it depends on the site a person is on. i find you get what you pay for. the better sites, match, jdate, seem to have more of the better men (and also jerks, but the % is lower of these).
    yes, men & women are on these sites for different reasons, but that is true of anyone who is dating. you have to be selective and be willing to meet many people to find a right match for you. as one of my male friends used to say, 'the yield is low,' 'you have to kiss many frogs to find your prince.' another one says, 'you just need one.' and all that is true.
    for me, i found sometimes i'd be willing to do this, other times i'd just enjoy my time with family & friends, and not bother.
    as for meeting people 'the old-fashioned' way, well, that depends on your life situation, your age. for people out of school, that is harder. those who don't work in the corporate world even harder, those who work for themselves, very difficult. i think for those of us who are out there in later life, divorced, widowed, single, and even for the young, there is nothing wrong with pursuing all avenues.
    i think you have to be in the right frame of mind, you need to be selective with both the site you use, and the men you meet, take your time when meeting someone before jumping in, think. and of course, luck!!!
    i've met 3 men who became very close friends and added so much to my life. i am now in a serious relationship with someone i met online.
    so, it is not the perfect solution, but it seems to be one of the best solutions for many, certainly worth a try.

    3a, some 2c & 3b, medium texture, porosity normal, low elasticity :-(
    washing/cowashing, conditioning, protein tx: curl junkie products
    leave in:curl junkie conditioners and treatments as leave in
    styling: curl junkie 
    sealants - jane carter nourish & shine
  • JustSimplyTishJustSimplyTish Registered Users Posts: 94
    I'm new over 40 and just thought I would chime in...Hi Ladies!

    I am...well was super selective in real life and with internet dating...I dated quite a few on and off the net....either way you have to talk to them, meet them and see what you guys have in common if anything....sometimes people lie about who they really are over the net and they present the person they wish they were (well hell they do this in person too) ...so take time to really find out the real person ...talk to them a lot over the phone...meet for lunch etc....I was divorced for 15 years and I met my current husband over the internet and we have been married for 3 years...He is truly my soulmate...and I avoided him for the longest time...because I didn't think he fit the type guy I THOUGHT I was looking for...But My Father sat me down and said listen...Your Type obviously has not worked in the past...Maybe you need to look for a new type...so I gave him a chance and after being together for a year he asked me to marry him....He treated me well...treated my son like his own, he is very successful, a genuinely nice person and good looking, (that helped tremendously :) ....and he loves me in ways I never thought a man would...I kept asking him, man what were you doing on the internet and single....He said I could ask you the same thing...
    Internet Dating is easy, convenient and sometimes fun...Neither of us went out much or just didn't seem to bump into the right people when we did...

    So I say Love can be found on the internet ... either way you have to get to know the person no matter where you meet him
    BC: Jan 1, 2010
    Hair Type: Curly (who knows), Color Treated
    Shampoo:None
    Conditioner: TJ Nourish Spa, Suave Tropical Coconut
    DC: HV Vatika Frosting, TJ Nourish Spa, Joico K-Pak
    Leave In: KCNT, KBB Milk, KBB Nectar
    Moisturizer: KBB Milk, QBRC
    Sealant: HV Cocasta Oil
    Stylers: AV Whipped Gelly, HV Whipped Gelly, UFD Butter
  • mandyvmandyv Registered Users Posts: 2,437 Curl Connoisseur
    God, I tried so many dating sites over and years and nothing and nobody ever clicked, and funny enough, one night two years ago I posted an ad on craigslist and heard back from a really nice guy. I knew he was interesting from his emails and then on the phone, and then he was patient and kind when I had to cancel a date, and once we finally met, it was pretty instant attraction for me.

    Two years later, we're living together but it hasn't been easy. I didn't run away when he told me he was in the process of divorcing and has young children. And being with him during the divorce was difficult. I learned more about him and learned his complicated story, and I'm glad I didn't run away.

    IMO It's not always a matter of you get what you pay for because CL is free. I just wrote an ad that expressed what i was feeling in that moment, and he wrote back. I wasn't trying to impress anyone. It was kind of a rant and a request, but we got lucky.

    I think if someone really wants to find a companion, they'll be willing to look deeper. But i admit it didn't hurt his chances that he's 6'4" and handsome and fit. But I think true love can happen online.
    3c
    Poo: KBB shampoo bar or Shikai moisturizing shampoo
    CoWash: VO5 kiwi
    Cond: Robert Craig, Tresemme Natural, or Fekkai Shea Butter
    Leave in/Styling: Grapeseed oil, KBB milk, KCCC, and Aveda Confixor

Leave a Comment

BoldItalicStrikethroughOrdered listUnordered list
Emoji
Image
Align leftAlign centerAlign rightToggle HTML viewToggle full pageToggle lights
Drop image/file