Should We Settle???

LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
I get criticized, especially by men, because no matter how many good qualities a man has I still want to feel a spark and be attracted to them.

I have 2 male friends who want more from me, but I'm just not attracted to them. If I don't want to kiss you, I definitely don't want to sleep with you. I feel that sex is still important in a relationship even when you are older, so why settle for someone you don't want to have sex with.

I know people can grow on you, but I've been friends with one of these men for over 10 years. It's just not there for me. I've been told I will be alone for the rest of my life unless I stop being so picky.

So, am I suppose to settle on a guy who is sweet, kind, considerate, but I'm not attracted to? Do I settle for spending the rest of my life with a friend only? I know you should be friends with your SO, but I want to feel more then just a friendship.
From Michael Berg:

Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
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  • redcelticcurlsredcelticcurls Posts: 17,502Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    No one should settle, IMO.

    The hard part is learning when you (gy) are deciding not to settle and when you (gy) just have ridiculous, impossible to meet expectations. Sometimes people do the latter under the guise of the former.
    Kiva! Microfinance works.

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  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    I don't believe my expectations are that high. I want a man in my life who is faithful, has good morals, we have things in common, and can laugh together. I also expect him to be family oriented. The thing is that I also want to be attracted to this person on a sexual level.

    I can have male friends, but unless I'm attracted to them, then they are just friends to me. I don't see myself having a romantic relationship with them. I'm still a woman with needs and desires, even if I'm 58.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • plinkplink Posts: 103Registered Users
    If you FEEL you are settling for less than you really want, it can't be happy.

    About attraction, remember some guys are hidden gems. When you get real close and look at them with the light of affection, the heat shines. HTH
    I have finally realized I look my best when my hair tells me how it is going to fall, and I just make suggestions.

    3A BSL
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    I, agree, about the hidden gems, but I've known this one man for 10 years. I haven't found any hidden gems in him. LOL!

    I can usually feel attraction within the 1st 15 minutes of talking to a man. Even if I don't I will give it a chance. I just feel I shouldn't settle when I have given it a try and there is no attraction.

    Back to my original question.....Should I settle being with a man when I am not attracted to him and do not want to be romantically involved with him, no matter what he can bring to the table?
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • anniemaeanniemae Posts: 1,702Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Lotsawaves wrote: »
    Back to my original question.....Should I settle being with a man when I am not attracted to him and do not want to be romantically involved with him, no matter what he can bring to the table?

    I think you already know your answer. NO NO NO. Do not settle. A part of you will be unhappy, and that's no way to live. Just follow your heart.
    Hair Type - wavy/curly, fine texture, thin/medium density
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  • SuburbanbushbabeSuburbanbushbabe Posts: 15,402Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    If your relationship is going to be intimate, why would you settle for non-attraction? If you've known him for 10 years, you know him and nothing's going to surprise you. I'm just curious why after all this time of friendship he's pushing for more.What's driving him?

    OTOH, if you care for him in every other way, and find him physically acceptable and if both of you are okay with your finding a sexual spark outside of the the relationship with another man at the same time, that may be a basis to get together.

    I wouldn't settle. But I've had to be okay with a lot of time in my life with no SO and no sex (I can hear RCW screaming "no no!" in the background :toothy10:)
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  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    We've known each other for 10 years, but we have gone long times without contacting each other. He went thru a divorce a year ago, so I think that is why he is hounding me so much now. I think he thinks he will convince me or wear me down.

    The other one is pretty new in my life and is already acting possessive and jealous even tho' I was upfront with him about us only being friends.

    I'm not interested in being in a relationship or marriage and having sex outside of it. I don't see the point of that. Isn't that settling, also? Would you tell someone in their 20's or 30's to do that?
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • rudeechickrudeechick Posts: 6,726Registered Users
    Lotsawaves wrote: »
    I get criticized, especially by men, because no matter how many good qualities a man has I still want to feel a spark and be attracted to them.

    I have 2 male friends who want more from me, but I'm just not attracted to them. If I don't want to kiss you, I definitely don't want to sleep with you. I feel that sex is still important in a relationship even when you are older, so why settle for someone you don't want to have sex with.

    I know people can grow on you, but I've been friends with one of these men for over 10 years. It's just not there for me. I've been told I will be alone for the rest of my life unless I stop being so picky.

    So, am I suppose to settle on a guy who is sweet, kind, considerate, but I'm not attracted to? Do I settle for spending the rest of my life with a friend only? I know you should be friends with your SO, but I want to feel more then just a friendship.

    I, personally, couldn't do it. I have no judgment of women who do (you should decide based on your own priorities). I cannot deal with lack of chemistry and would happily prefer to be on my own.
    Curls,Coils,Waves & WhatKnot:geek:
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  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    I can't do it, either, and I am tired of being told I am too picky. It's like I'm 58 and shouldn't expect to be attracted to someone. I should feel lucky that someone is interested in me.

    It's funny, because the men who tell me this are attracted to me.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • DEL2CDEL2C Posts: 6,418Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Lotsawaves wrote: »
    I can't do it, either, and I am tired of being told I am too picky. It's like I'm 58 and shouldn't expect to be attracted to someone. I should feel lucky that someone is interested in me.

    It's funny, because the men who tell me this are attracted to me.

    Well then that isn't fair is it? You're Hot Stuff and he's not??? No....I don't think so

    I'm with you Lotsa you gotta have that chemistry first. Yes your relationship grows over time and you become friends but you still should be able to look at your SO and think to yourself..WoW he's pretty cute;-)
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  • plinkplink Posts: 103Registered Users
    Remember


    It takes a really great man to beat no man at all.
    I have finally realized I look my best when my hair tells me how it is going to fall, and I just make suggestions.

    3A BSL
  • rouquinnerouquinne Posts: 13,737Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    i get the same thing being fat - i should be grateful for any attention i get.
    My blog:

    http://labellatestarossa.blogspot.ca/

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  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    Rouquinne, that's terrible! Are you getting this from men, women, or both?

    Women don't criticize me, but the men do. I'll probably look less for the sexual attraction/chemistry when I am older and am just looking for a good companion, but I'm not ready for that yet.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • rouquinnerouquinne Posts: 13,737Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    actually, i get it from women too.

    i get emails - on dating sites - from women, telling me that i MUST post full body pics of me, preferably in a bathing suit, so that people can see if i'm lying.

    but my profile says i'm FAT!

    i even have an entire paragraph that reads:

    Did I mention FAT? I'm overweight. If you are looking for fit, thin, proportionate, please move on.

    but i still get nasty emails from people.
    My blog:

    http://labellatestarossa.blogspot.ca/

    Little Mother of all the Roaches, President-for-Life of the MAC Harlots!
  • AlexjoujouAlexjoujou Posts: 2,364Registered Users
    Heck no. No settling for me either!

    After spending the last 8 years or so of my marriage (11 years total) without that sexual spark I've come to realize just how important that can be.

    Bluntly I faked enough in my marriage..I finally got out of it..why do I want to go back to even part of it? No thank you.

    No spark = No go. Its that simple to me. I am attracted to a wide variety of men so if there is someone out there "for me" then he'll pop up sooner or later IMHO. I'm not really looking.

    Its kind of funny to me since it seems lots of people in my life are looking for men for me. People seem unable to handle the concept that if its not going to be a great match in every way I'd rather just be by myself. That includes sexually----I'm not willing to let that go by the wayside in my next relationship.
    FIA 2c/3aFi

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  • jeepcurlygurljeepcurlygurl Posts: 20,726Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Curl Virtuoso
    I keep great guys in my life as some of my best friends, but my SO has to be someone I'm attracted to. I can't settle for less than that. I need that feeling along with the other qualities I look for in a guy.
    --I'm located in Western PA.   --I found NC in late 2004, CG since February 2005, joined the forums in May 2005, started going grey in late 2005.   --My hair is 3B with some 3A, currently at mid back length when dry,  texture-medium/fine, porosity-top is low, middle is medium, ends are porous, elasticity-normal.   --My long time favorite products are Suave & VO5 conditioners, LA Looks Sport Gel, coconut oil, honey, vinegar.   
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  • anonymous_29030anonymous_29030 Posts: 619Registered Users
    :laughing9:
    plink wrote: »
    Remember


    It takes a really great man to beat no man at all.
  • rudeechickrudeechick Posts: 6,726Registered Users
    Gabi2009 wrote: »
    :laughing9:
    plink wrote: »
    Remember


    It takes a really great man to beat no man at all.

    Wish I'd said that! SO TRUE! My life in general is great and I love my own company. A guy has GOT TO enhance my life at this point, or its simply not worth the time effort and agita.
    Curls,Coils,Waves & WhatKnot:geek:
    3miii/My HGs tame bulk&frizz/Give definition w/o crunch
    My Photobucket Album
  • AlexjoujouAlexjoujou Posts: 2,364Registered Users
    rudeechick wrote: »
    Gabi2009 wrote: »
    :laughing9:
    plink wrote: »
    Remember


    It takes a really great man to beat no man at all.

    Wish I'd said that! SO TRUE! My life in general is great and I love my own company. A guy has GOT TO enhance my life at this point, or its simply not worth the time effort and agita.

    WORD!
    FIA 2c/3aFi

    Done experimenting! Loving Spiral Solutions products!

    Blog: http://thewavytales.blogspot.com/
  • tinahtinah Posts: 1,195Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    DO NOT SETTLE. That is the position I am in right now. When I married my husband I was young and thought that certain qualities were very important and other qualities I was ok without getting. After 17 together what I've learned is that I was wrong. All the qualities that you want in a mate are equally as important. If you compromise on some of those things in the beginning those will be the things that break you up in the end.

    There is nothing wrong with expecting to be attracted to the person you've chosen as your partner. You would definitly regret it. Especially with something as important as attraction. No one would tell you that you're too picky if you said you didn't find them emotionally attractive or mentally attractive. They would tell you "well if you don't feel that spark then it's not worth it." But I think people are giving you bad advice thinking you're being shallow when you're not. There's a difference for ONLY liking someone for their looks and wanting to like the way someone looks. Seriously don't settle on something like this.
    CG - 3/27/09
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  • rudeechickrudeechick Posts: 6,726Registered Users
    Let me add another thought.... Would you want ones of your kids to settle?
    Curls,Coils,Waves & WhatKnot:geek:
    3miii/My HGs tame bulk&frizz/Give definition w/o crunch
    My Photobucket Album
  • miacurlmiacurl Posts: 332Registered Users
    I agree. Don't settle.

    I have to get used to being ok being alone. I have been divorced for 1 1/2 years after 22 years of marriage. Some days are harder than other days. Today was a bad day.
    2C/3A auburn hair.
    between shoulders and BSL
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    Now this has gotten so ridiculous. My male friend of 10 years actually asked me if I was more attracted to women, since I can't find a man I am attracted to.

    I finally blew and told him that I would prefer a woman over him. LOL! I, also, told him that I didn't care to have him try to manipulate my feelings. I told him that I know what I want and I am not willing to settle, like he is, because he is lonely. I would much rather be alone then with someone that I don't want to be with romantically. I told him that he is older then me and this is alright with him, but not me. Maybe, later in my life I will be alright with it, but not now. To each his own and we need to respect that.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • LadyV69LadyV69 Posts: 3,397Registered Users
    Now this has gotten so ridiculous. My male friend of 10 years actually asked me if I was more attracted to women, since I can't find a man I am attracted to.

    Is this guy desperate? He seems like it.

    I actually know what it is like to settle. When I was in my 20's, I had low self esteem and was overweight. In the course of a few years, I dated a couple of guys even though I wasn't attracted to one of them and the other one was physically and emotionally absent much of the time(No, I didn't date them at the same time. I went out with one guy, broke up with him and ended up with the other one a few months later). At the time, I felt lucky that I received any attention from men at all because of my weight and self esteem issues. In the end, I did wake up and realize that I wasn't being fair to either myself or to them and that I deserved to be happy. I would NEVER settle now that I'm 40. Life is too short to be unhappy that way.

    Incidentally, when I was in my 30's (actually, around 10 years ago now), I was introduced to a guy through a friend of a friend. He was nice and kind. He was also attracted to me, but the feeling was not mutual. I told him this off the bat. I hadn't seen him for eight years, until this past NYE. I hope that the sight of me dosen't rekindle the spark on his end, because 8 years did not change my feelings toward him whatsoever.
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  • anonymous_29030anonymous_29030 Posts: 619Registered Users
    Hey Miacurl - Tomorrow will be better, and there is always the next day.
    miacurl wrote: »
    I agree. Don't settle.

    I have to get used to being ok being alone. I have been divorced for 1 1/2 years after 22 years of marriage. Some days are harder than other days. Today was a bad day.
  • miacurlmiacurl Posts: 332Registered Users
    Gabi2009 wrote: »
    Hey Miacurl - Tomorrow will be better, and there is always the next day.
    miacurl wrote: »
    I agree. Don't settle.

    I have to get used to being ok being alone. I have been divorced for 1 1/2 years after 22 years of marriage. Some days are harder than other days. Today was a bad day.


    Thanks, Gabi. That's sweet of you :)
    2C/3A auburn hair.
    between shoulders and BSL
  • mandyvmandyv Posts: 2,437Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Lotsawaves wrote: »
    I get criticized, especially by men, because no matter how many good qualities a man has I still want to feel a spark and be attracted to them.

    I can't settle on the issues of physical attraction (have to have that) and intellectualism. I could never been w someone who didn't take care of himself and loved wrestling and Sarah Palin for instance and that spark is very important, but sometimes that comes later. Give your friends some time doing fun activities and see if a spark develops.

    Some things we should settle on or we'll be alone forever. You have to make a list of dealbreakers and what you can live with.
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  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users Curl Neophyte
    Lotsa...I think dude is just pissed you won't give him the time of day! :lol:
    You know what my answer is...
    
    0004.gif

    Ever since the sports thread wars I have sensed a special connection between [edit] & Wile. Like the connection oil has to water. I almost can't speak of it. Wait....my eyes are misting. ~asq
    Let’s just stay together and tell the world to kiss our ass. ~P


  • banjocurlbanjocurl Posts: 1,031Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    hi y'all
    have not been on for a while. i am 60 now and married 17 yrs. if something happens to him i will probably not get married again. people are good for what they're good for. no one person will meet all your needs. however for a lover and sexual partner there needs to be attraction or it gets really bad. some people choose to have companionate living situations with another person of either sex, for company and mutual support. it's all ok as long as the parameters are agreed upon and there are no lies or surprises. if a guy is hitting on you and you don't want him, he can get manipulative and try to make you feel like you have problems. dont fall for it. could you imagine waking up with this person in the morning for 3 days in a row? it's nice tho to have people attracted to you. guys hit on me but i think its bc i am married and they will be safe from any demands....
    Susan suburban NY
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  • OBBOBB Posts: 4,174Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    can someone define what "settling" is? and what is your order of relationship priorities? attraction would be me first choice and anything else is second. my list not in any order are humor, compassion, emotional selflessness, and so on...

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