CurlTalk

Single Black Females: The Epidemic

MissKinkyCoilyMissKinkyCoily Posts: 827Registered Users
Im sure you guys have seen this all over facebook and the blogs.

/home/leaving?target=http%3A%2F%2Fabcnews.go.com%2FNightline%2Fsingle-black-females%2Fstory%3Fid%3D9395275" class="Popup (including the article)
or
/home/leaving?target=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DbJGMAhWpDF8" class="Popup (video only)

What are your thoughts?

FYI the title is just me being sarcastic, please dont be offended.
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Comments

  • fraufrau Posts: 6,130Registered Users
    nothing new to me. i believe i was involved in a 20 page thread arguing this very issue not too long ago.

    frau's generalizations:
    the really good men (degreed, good looking with money) that i've met are not monogamous.

    if you don't get them in their early 20's forget it until they're in their 40's. if they're in their 40's you stand a better chance if you're not in yours.

    (misskinkycoily, what a great body you have!)
  • *Marah**Marah* Posts: 8,032Registered Users
    I couldn't read the article because you need a login...but I did watch the video.

    The reality is black women on average are more educated and more successful so when they get up that chain a lot of black men are NOT up there. I say they have to cut their losses and start going out with other races. "Cut their losses" what are they gambling on race horses ? Oy..

    Anyway.. As they said in the video the rate of black women marrying outside of their race has doubled. I think a lot of factors go into that..


    Those 4 black women were STUNNING that were in that video.. and clearly have their stuff together! I don't mean to be disrespectful but women like them will be hard pressed to find a black man on their level and if they keep waiting for a black man on their level they will CONTINUE to wait around for a long time. And to be honest.. I don't think they should have to settle.

    I am not saying they should be ridiculously picky.. but I think a person needs someone comparable to their level.. I mean at least on the same page... I mean I just see it being difficult to be on the level these women are and marrying someone not even sort of close to their level. I just see a bunch of issues happening before they even walk down the aisle.

    I am not saying there are no black men available on that level.. but it seems the pickings are slim as heck.. and from what I understand the black men that are on their level are marrying another race anyway.

    It's a harsh reality but if they want to get married.. I guess I just don't see much more of an option for them and in a lot these cases they just might have to do the approaching to men outside their race.

    A lot of white men won't ask out a black woman because they feel weird about it.. but I say some of them (black women) should go for it and ask them out and other races as well. I think a lot of them would be suprised at the men outside their race that would be willing to give them a chance.. especially if the guy knows she's more than a pretty face.

    And I wonder how many black guys on average these days even are interested in getting married and I wonder how many black women on average are making it clear that's what they expect. I mean it just doesn't seem to be a major priority. I mean a lot guys do think (no matter what race).. why buy the cow when the milks free (and yes I know that's a sucky cliche).

    But eh.. I don't know.. I think marriage rates are going down among everyone.. or at least people are waiting a heck of a lot longer.

    Those are my thoughts..
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  • curlyarcacurlyarca Posts: 8,449Registered Users
    I think it's stigma-related (why so many well-educated, eligible black women are single). I don't necessarily think there's something "wrong" with us. I think other races have their false ideas of what we're like, and I think black men have their false ideas and expectations of what we're like.

    I agree with the women on the panel: don't settle and leave your options open. Like the women in that video, the list of "must haves/dealbreakers" gets smaller and smaller, but I think that has to do with maturity regardless of race. Honestly some of the stuff on my list in my late teens/early 20s was kind of silly. Like, the dude doesn't have to be super tall, super buff, and making six or seven figures. The important things are (in my opinion) monogamy, has a job and a degree, has some drive, good hygeine, physically attractive, generally healthy and well emotionally and physically, and loves me. I know I will not have anyone yelling at me or being a ***** to me in general. I know if you smoke, you better take that ish outside. I know I'm not going to be anyone's maid. If that eliminates a huge chunk of men, black or any other race, so be it. Like it's been previously said, I anticipate problems if you're lacking those basics.

    I can't wake up next to a stank, unattractive, rude, mean, cheating, unmotivated, jobless and not looking, drunken, drug-addicted, physically and/or emotionally abusive punk who doesn't love and accept me for who I am and call it love and fate. I don't care what his race is, scrubby dudes can step off. Hell to the no. Do not settle.

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  • Myradella3Myradella3 Posts: 2,481Registered Users
    Single black woman with three degrees here -I'm not looking for a guy with three degrees or even one. He has to be Christian and value whatever he dies for a living. If you dig ditches because you like outdoor work that's physically challenging, then we can talk. If you do it because it's the job you hot out of high school and you have other ambitions, then that's a problem. Many single black women agree with me.
  • murrrcatmurrrcat Posts: 9,596Registered Users
    The statistics of black men, was kind of shocking.
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  • DarkAngelDarkAngel Posts: 2,671Registered Users
    I'm friends with one of the women. I have known her since college. It is kind of unsettling that she is still single. I think part of it for her is location. She's in Atlanta. I don't know what it is about Atlanta but all of my girlfriends there are single.
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  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    DarkAngel wrote: »
    I'm friends with one of the women. I have known her since college. It is kind of unsettling that she is still single. I think part of it for her is location. She's in Atlanta. I don't know what it is about Atlanta but all of my girlfriends there are single.

    The ratio of women to men is way too high(in the black community). And the men suck. They are usually looking for sugarmammas and have so many desperate women to pick from. A lot of the women suck too which doesn't help. All my friends are single too. (black and nonblack)
  • fraufrau Posts: 6,130Registered Users
    a guy i used to date said that a homeless man can find a good woman in atlanta.

    re: white guys
    so i was in line at urban outfitters. the guy behind me was a tall white man perhaps in his mid-50's. we struck up a conversation because our daughters had us standing on the ridiculously long line while they shopped. actually the white woman in front of me was also in line while her daughters shopped. we were all laughing about how crowded the mall was and how our daughters just drag us about to pay for things.

    anyway, at one point the man asked me if i was married and i held out my hand and said that i wasn't. he showed me his hand and said he wasn't either. then it was my turn to go to the cashier so i said nice to have met you, goodbye.

    then later i thought..."wait a minute...maybe that guy was asking you about you being married because he was interested...damn white people and their subtly!" so i actually went back to the store because i can't afford to pass up any opportunity! he was still in line (as his daughter wasn't finished shopping) so i pretended to just pass him by and then made fun of him for still being in line. then he introduced himself to me, his name was joel something or the other. i shook his hand and told him my name is frau line. then that was it.

    i guess he wasn't really that into me after all.
  • scrillsscrills Posts: 6,700Registered Users
    I didn't read the article or watch the video (will do that when I get home). Stories like this annoy me. My friend (a male) says these stories surface every couple years in an attempt to scare women to get married.

    Yeah, Atlanta is a tough market. I have married friends who don't want to live there. The competition is crazy. What is the ratio now? 10-1?

    At dinner with her boyfriend, my friend went to the bathroom. While she was gone, a woman came to the table and gave him her phone number.
  • CocoaCoilyCocoaCoily Posts: 2,648Registered Users
    Frau! Why didn't you ask that man out?

    Scrills, that story is crazy. I don't even understand why a woman would do that. If that man called her, what makes her think he would then be faithful to her?
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    scrills wrote: »
    I didn't read the article or watch the video (will do that when I get home). Stories like this annoy me. My friend (a male) says these stories surface every couple years in an attempt to scare women to get married.

    Yeah, Atlanta is a tough market. I have married friends who don't want to live there. The competition is crazy. What is the ratio now? 10-1?

    At dinner with her boyfriend, my friend went to the bathroom. While she was gone, a woman came to the table and gave him her phone number.

    Women are shameless here. They will be eyeing my bf while we are together. I go to the bathroom and they come up and try to talk to him. Last Friday we were out dancing, together. Three little hos came up and started dancing right next to him and one was trying to touch on him while I was right next to him. Similar stuff has happened when I was with my ex.
  • *Marah**Marah* Posts: 8,032Registered Users
    frau wrote: »
    then later i thought..."wait a minute...maybe that guy was asking you about you being married because he was interested...damn white people and their subtly!" so i actually went back to the store because i can't afford to pass up any opportunity! he was still in line (as his daughter wasn't finished shopping) so i pretended to just pass him by and then made fun of him for still being in line. then he introduced himself to me, his name was joel something or the other. i shook his hand and told him my name is frau line. then that was it.

    i guess he wasn't really that into me after all.

    DANGIT Frau! A lot white guys aren't as forward as black guys..especially older white guys. I really think he was trying..but was nervous. Plus he just was all in the store.. folks all around and what not..he probably felt weird about busting out with, "Um.. so can I take you out ?" right in the store. I mean come on.. there was no reason for him to ask if you were married if he wasn't at least thinking about the possibility of dating you or seeing what could happen.

    He was doing what my husband and I call.. "The no rap..rap".

    You should have asked him out! When you left.. he probably was like..shoot! And then you came back and he didn't know why the heck you came back..and even if he was going to ask you out he probably lost his nerve and he felt all awkward then.

    Call me a yenta but I hate to see a match opportunity fly by.. :(
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  • LadyV69LadyV69 Posts: 3,397Registered Users
    I haven't seen the video nor read the article since the article requires you to have a password. But the issue is hardly new. I'm a living example. I'm 40, am attractive (or so my girlfriends tell me) but I'm still single.
    The reality is black women on average are more educated and more successful so when they get up that chain a lot of black men are NOT up there. I say they have to cut their losses and start going out with other races.

    In your 20's, the dating pool is practically unlimited. However, by the time you reach your 40's, the dating pool for everybody shrinks because many people have settled down by then. It's more acute in the black community due to the fact that our men have high rates of incarceration and are therefore, not marriage material. Also, as other people have stated, black women are more likely to have college degrees and establishing a relationship with someone who is not your intellectual or financial equal is difficult. I am one of a number of black women that has a college degree, but many black men my age don't. If you appear educated and have a decent job, a number of black men end up feeling emasculated and resent you for your success. I cannot deal with a man who is that insecure as to feel threatened by what I've accomplished. There is hardly anything preventing these men from doing the same thing. If a successful black woman doesn't attract those kind of men, then sugar mamas sniff her out. I refuse to support a grown #@! man who should be capable of being able to support himself barring a disability. As a result, I have started to date other races because it's the only way I can expand the dating pool for myself. And frankly, many more white men are at my level at this stage in my life.
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  • afrosheenqueenafrosheenqueen Posts: 5,400Registered Users
    frau wrote: »
    a guy i used to date said that a homeless man can find a good woman in atlanta.

    re: white guys
    so i was in line at urban outfitters. the guy behind me was a tall white man perhaps in his mid-50's. we struck up a conversation because our daughters had us standing on the ridiculously long line while they shopped. actually the white woman in front of me was also in line while her daughters shopped. we were all laughing about how crowded the mall was and how our daughters just drag us about to pay for things.

    anyway, at one point the man asked me if i was married and i held out my hand and said that i wasn't. he showed me his hand and said he wasn't either. then it was my turn to go to the cashier so i said nice to have met you, goodbye.

    then later i thought..."wait a minute...maybe that guy was asking you about you being married because he was interested...damn white people and their subtly!" so i actually went back to the store because i can't afford to pass up any opportunity! he was still in line (as his daughter wasn't finished shopping) so i pretended to just pass him by and then made fun of him for still being in line. then he introduced himself to me, his name was joel something or the other. i shook his hand and told him my name is frau line. then that was it.

    i guess he wasn't really that into me after all.

    I don't think so. He wouldn't have asked if you were married. I think he chickened out. It's a shame you didn't ask him out. The name Joel sounds fairly hot. Was he cute?
    damn white people and their subtly!"

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  • SuburbanbushbabeSuburbanbushbabe Posts: 15,402Registered Users
    Can you post the article with a link that doesn't need a login?
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  • scrillsscrills Posts: 6,700Registered Users
    Question:
    Why does "no college degree = no job, need to be supported financially" in these conversations. :roll:

    Although most of my male friends have degrees, there are some that don't that are still making a good living.
  • LadyV69LadyV69 Posts: 3,397Registered Users
    scrills wrote: »
    Question:
    Why does "no college degree = no job, need to be supported financially" in these conversations. :roll:

    Although most of my male friends have degrees, there are some that don't that are still making a good living.

    I agree that there are many people that don't have degrees and have jobs that pay well. The issue is where the person (black man in this case) starts to feel inadequate around someone who's been to college and gets an attitude about it. I've had black men accuse me of trying to be white just because I have a degree. Somehow, black men don't value education as much as the sisters do and it's become a serious issue.
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  • PsychePsyche Posts: 90Registered Users
    As I was watching the video I noticed that their statistic are kind of skewed. They gave the stats for men who are incarcerated, have no highschool diploma, and are unemployed. Add onto that the number of black men who are homosexual/DL, or marrying outside of their race and things look worse. But there are also black women who are in jail, have no eduacation, are unemployed, are homosexual, etc. So in the end things might not even out completely but they may be closer than the report makes it seem. However, 42% is a large percentage of us who have never gotten married and who knows why that is the case.

    ALL of the females I've grown up -black, white, other, educated, uneducated- are still not married (including myself). We're all in our mid-late twenties. One of them got married but they divorced less than a year later. A lot of them have children but none have rings. It seems like marriage just isn't as relevant to a lot of people as it once was.
  • Aphro-DeeziacAphro-Deeziac Posts: 983Registered Users
    obviously having been married to a black man for the past 16 years, i dont buy into the hype of no good black men. In all these disussions and i have been part of a few, there is relatively little conversation on what part a particular individual womam play in her being single.

    On the outside folks can look awfully good and you wonder why she is single. You never know, she may be nasty, have a stank attitiude, too exclusive. Maybe she has an air of desperation around her thats not attractive. I cant take this stuff seriously unless im hearing both sides. I have and know quite a few black women, friends and family who are married to black men.

    There are so many factors in this to lay ALL the blame on there not being enough eligible black men, what ever that means to you. The biggest factor beging the woman herself. But thats almost never discussed. Unless you (gy) are taking a good long look at yourself and the part you play in being single, further disussion is just b*itching.
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  • multicultcurlymulticultcurly Posts: 5,132Registered Users
    I watched the video. I guess it is all where you live because I don't know too many 20-somethings or even 30 or 31 year olds who want to be married. 20s definitely seems too young, but I guess if you live in a small town or very close-knit community, late 20s seems old.

    ETA: Most women want to be able to date men that they could get serious about, esp. as they move into their 30s.

    I agree w/ Dark Angel and Josephine that it might be the location. Many people say the same thing about NYC across all racial lines or LA. I've had friends of all races who lived in Atlanta and LA say that finding a woman to be in a serious relationship with was difficult because most of the women they met were only interested in money and how a man could advance her social standing.
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  • Aphro-DeeziacAphro-Deeziac Posts: 983Registered Users
    if you want some bass, why are u fishing in a trout pond?
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  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    if you want some bass, why are u fishing in a trout pond?

    I agree although I'm thinking the article was more of a vent.
  • Aphro-DeeziacAphro-Deeziac Posts: 983Registered Users
    Josephine to tell you the truth i didnt read or watch that drivel. I just cant. Its old and its tired. Bitter lonely women want to blame their lack of success on what is "their" perception as a shortage of "good" black men, which is subjective as hell, and project their own shortcomings on a whole race of men. Then make dire predictions based on skewed stats. Its just so sickening. if you want to date outside your culture ethnicity PLEASE knock yourself out, however dont put down Black men as a way to justify it. Just DO.YOU.

    psst...psst....there is no shortage of working, family oriented, god loving, treat his mamma right black men. dont...dont...dont believe the hype
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  • journotravelerjournotraveler Posts: 2,816Registered Users
    Josephine to tell you the truth i didnt read or watch that drivel. I just cant. Its old and its tired. Bitter lonely women want to blame their lack of success on what is "their" perception as a shortage of "good" black men, which is subjective as hell, and project their own shortcomings on a whole race of men. Then make dire predictions based on skewed stats. Its just so sickening. if you want to date outside your culture ethnicity PLEASE knock yourself out, however dont put down Black men as a way to justify it. Just DO.YOU.

    psst...psst....there is no shortage of working, family oriented, god loving, treat his mamma right black men. dont...dont...dont believe the hype

    I have to agree with this. I was single for a LONG time. I was engaged 2x in my '20s and spent most of my 30s looking and hoping at at times feeling quite desperate. People would send me those single-black-women epidemic articles all the time and they just made me feel worse about my situation. The truth is, most of my black, professional female friends were married then, most to good, college-educated black men with good jobs. (Some married outside their race; most didn't.)

    I never had a problem getting a date; I had a hard time finding someone for a lasting relationship. As a friend of mine told me then, I always picked the guy who had a yes, BUT thing going on. (Yes, he likes me, BUT he's married to his job. Yes, he likes me BUT he's moving to Bangladesh in two weeks...)

    When I got married at 43 -- 5 years ago--it was to a man I'd met when I was in my 30s. He told me that he knew when we met that I was the one, but that I was wearing a big, invisible, I AM NOT AVAILABLE sign all over me. It was once I worked on myself and got really clear that I was able to recognize the man who would be a good husband/match/life mate for me.

    This is not to belittle the experiences of black single women out there who are having a hard time. I know how hard it can be. But trust me, there's reason to hope.
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  • MixedUpCurlyChickMixedUpCurlyChick Posts: 2,568Registered Users
    scrills wrote: »
    I didn't read the article or watch the video (will do that when I get home). Stories like this annoy me. My friend (a male) says these stories surface every couple years in an attempt to scare women to get married.

    I think your friend hit the nail on the head. These discussions come around every few years. They use words like "epidemic" or "danger." It just seems like a way to scare people and/or divide the community. And it seems to work. I also find it curious that all the women are both stunning AND light or light brown skinned. None of the women on the vid were dark skinned. Interesting since so many people feel that its easier to "get" a man if you're a lighter skinned black woman. I can't help but wonder if they were playing it safe when they chose those particular women. I wonder if people's comments would change if these women less attractive. I can almost bet they would change if these women were dark skinned.
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  • MissConstruedMissConstrued Posts: 323Registered Users
    It's difficult to find men (of any race) to meet your relationship criterion in your mid-late 20s if you aren't with someone you knew from high school or college, especially if you've moved to at least one new state afterwards. I'm not saying the picking are slim, but how do you go out and meet new people without knowing anyone? So far all the men I've meet are either rude or not someone I could date based on their attitude. I will NOT tolerate disrespect from anyone. But I've lived in 4 different states since I graduated from college and it's hard enough to make friends in Massachusetts. I'm not picky as far as race/ethnicity, but men are either intimidated by me (which I don't understand) or chasing after their next "baby momma" (which I have no interest in being). So what are my options now?
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  • BekkaPooBekkaPoo Posts: 3,861Registered Users
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    "Again, as the women in this segment pointed out the problem isn't getting a date, they can obviously get dates. They were all gorgeous and accomplished. The problem was getting a steady someone then marrying that steady someone and actually wanting and being attracted to that person. Chemistry. I could drag up some random dude off the street, put a tic tac in his mouth, cut his hair and name him Mr. Snob, but why in the hell would I want to do that? And nothing against old dudes, Mr. Harvey, but I'm an old man magnet and they are just as bad as the young ones in their RELENTLESS PURSUIT OF A * S * S thanks to the Viagra and whatnot. It would be different if they were all charming rogues who just want to take me out and treat me nice, but they're all the OLD DUDE IN THE CLUB trying to take me home. Um .... no."

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  • Aphro-DeeziacAphro-Deeziac Posts: 983Registered Users
    why you shopping for groceries at the shoe store.....

    i got a million of them folks:laughing2:

    for real, who looks for a mate at the club? really? Im not saying you cant find your soul mate at the club but how likely is that to happen?

    we need a where did meet ur mate poll....lol...ima go start one
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  • scrillsscrills Posts: 6,700Registered Users
    if you want some bass, why are u fishing in a trout pond?

    Exactly. I know a great place to meet black men "of quality", the Black MBA conference. There was so many men there I didn't know what to do with myself. WHEW. True, some were married, but they were cool to network with and they introduced me to their single friends.

    Join the Black MBA, BDPA (Black Database Processors Assoc), Urban League, Black Single Networking, etc.

    Have a single's night. I had a relationship forum at my house. Each of my 5 friends invited people (mostly single, some married/divorced because we wanted different perspectives). I met so many new people that night without even leaving my house!! Our forum started other forums. I still run into men I met at the first forum at my house and they are just was excited about the forum as they were that night. That was 2 years ago.

    Attend and host debate parties (or any party that involves something of interest)

    Attend meet-ups (www.meetup.com).

    Keep your eyes open for opportunities you might have overlooked in the past (Frau’s story was a great example)

    Attend art openings, festivals, holiday events, open mic nights, concerts for up and coming artist, special events, etc.

    Ask men who you trust to a 1) give you their honest opinion about you (because sometimes you need a guy’s opinion about how you are coming off to men) 2) if they have any good, single friends.

    Ok, sorry, I know no one asked, but I couldn't help myself. These types of articles grate my nerves. I’ll stop rambling now.
  • fraufrau Posts: 6,130Registered Users
    Josephine to tell you the truth i didnt read or watch that drivel. I just cant. Its old and its tired. Bitter lonely women want to blame their lack of success on what is "their" perception as a shortage of "good" black men, which is subjective as hell, and project their own shortcomings on a whole race of men.

    excuse you! just because your experience is different does not make your experience more valid than anyone else.

    does racism not exist because some people don't experience it?
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