well girls looks like I will be statrting my 40's Single....

KeeweeKeewee Registered Users Posts: 1,376 Curl Neophyte
It is pretty much the end of my 19 year marriage, i wrote a post over on Non-hair discussion, `but I have been mental abused by a lying and cheating an sometime violent husband, I know this is the best thing for me and my mental health, but why does it hurt so bad, he has cheated on me since pretty much day one. I had to go and get anti-depressants again, this man has caused me sooo very much pain. so why do I feel so down :cry:
3A some 3b Total Product Junkie


  • RealRedNCurlyRealRedNCurly Registered Users Posts: 109
    Now you can find someone better. :) I know that doesn't help right now though. I've been going through a lot of stuff too. It's definitely better to be on your own than in a miserable relationship. You can look at it as a chance to start a whole new life on your own terms. Try to have as much fun as possible.
    Live Joyfully! :love5:

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  • ShrekLoverShrekLover Registered Users Posts: 2,551 Curl Neophyte
    It sucks, but it will get better I promise. I separated from my first husband after 15 years when I was 37. It was hard, particuraly because we still loved each other and were never abusive to each other, but we knew we didn't belong together anymore.

    Love truly is not enough for marriage, you cannot work through everything just because you love someone, although in your case you shouldn't even consider it. But my point is I have been happily remarried for 10 years and now feel my divorce was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

    Hang in there, it really will get better. PM if you ever need someone to talk to.
  • starinastarina Registered Users Posts: 665 Curl Neophyte
    Keewee, I posted on your thread on the non-hair board, and I want to post again to add my 2 cents of encouragement. There are a multitude of reasons why you feel bad. After so many years, this is a huge upheaval in your life. Speaking from my own horrible divorce experience, I know all the feelings that you are experiencing right now. Losing a partner after so many years is like losing part of yourself--good or bad. I know it took me a long, long time to come to terms with it. For years I thought my life was over, no one would want me and I wouldn't want anyone else. But I'm living proof that you can move forward and have a better life. You have to work through the pain and be strong and use all the support systems you can to get you through this. Good luck and keep talking to us here on the boards!
    I have 3A hair. I've discovered Jessicurl shampoo and Too Shea conditioner and I'm thrilled! Long-time LA Looks sport gel user.
  • LavenderCurlsLavenderCurls Registered Users Posts: 1,478 Curl Connoisseur
    (((Hugs))) Keewee.

    I've been through two divorces. The first was after 11 years of marriage (he wasn't happy anymore and left). It was hard and painful and I didn't know how I'd survive (and with two little boys to care for, too). The second was after 8 years of marriage to a man that was basically good, but wore me down emotionally as well as my children. I cried all of 5 minutes after it was final because the relief of being away from him (no kids between us).

    Going through a divorce after many years of marriage is hard no matter what the problems are. I know you won't believe it now, but you will be fine. If you have alot of support from family and friends, that will help tremendously. It will take time to be okay, but you will be.

    Prayers are with you ...
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  • KeeweeKeewee Registered Users Posts: 1,376 Curl Neophyte
    Thanks so much everyone for your kind words, I am truly down in the dumps. Somedays I feel like I just can't go on, and then I remember the words he said to me "that I humiliated him" imagine me after all the woman he has been with, he tells me I humiliated (for dancing).
    3A some 3b Total Product Junkie
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Registered Users Posts: 31,259 Curl Connoisseur
    It's normal to feel displaced and upset. Abuse was all you knew for 19 years, and it probably feels weird to be without it. Also, you probably have a lot of other things that you will have to assume responsiblity for...earning a living, paying for a house, college for kids, etc. That's daunting.

    I've been divorced twice (currently married for the third time). The first one was relatively easy; a teenage marriage that ended after 8 years. We parted amicably. My second marriage though...yikes...it was only 4 years, but he put me through the wringer, ruined me financially and left me emotionally drained and broke and practically homeless. That was 14 years ago. I lived, and I thrived, and I'm happier now than I have ever been. I've been married for nearly 10 years to a wonderful man. Now, my old life seems like a bad dream or something I read in a book. My life is so different now. My ex...well, he's still abusing women. He always will til the day he dies. I'm happy and lucky to be away from him. He did me a favor when he walked out that day. Thank goodness, because I might have still been in that hell.

    I would suggest to you that you don't jump right into another relationship right away. Date a bit if you must, but take some time, a couple years at least, to get to know yourself again. You were in that marriage for 19 years...a lifetime. And, you were badly abused. You need to see what the world is really like. Statistics show that abused women tend to get into replacement abusive relationships. Don't be a statistic. Examine yourself and try to figure out WHY you stayed so long. Why you didn't get out sooner. What you can do to realize that you are worth being treated well.

    Today is the first day of the rest of your life...enjoy it. Don't look back.
  • KeeweeKeewee Registered Users Posts: 1,376 Curl Neophyte
    wow thanks redcatwaves that was nice!!!!
    3A some 3b Total Product Junkie
  • ShrekLoverShrekLover Registered Users Posts: 2,551 Curl Neophyte
    RedCatWaves wrote:
    I would suggest to you that you don't jump right into another relationship right away.

    YES big time on this. My first husband and I agreed a year in advance that we were going to separate, so I had that year to get through and then it was another 11 months after that before I dated. I was asked, I work in an engineering company and there are a lot of men, but I wasn't ready.

    But I met a new guy at work at the 11 month mark, liked him and finally felt ready. Unfortunately he broke my heart, but it all worked out. I also went to therapy during all of this, my dad died unexpectedly not too long after first hubby and I separated so I was a mess for a while. But it will get better. Time is a great healer.
  • KeeweeKeewee Registered Users Posts: 1,376 Curl Neophyte
    no I am not looking to date yet he would probably stalk me, but of course you know he already has had another for quite some time even setting up house last year. How I ever took this man back is beyond me, I get so mad at myself for just being a fool. I ask myslf over and over WHy have I let this pig ruin my life, now he sends someone to pick up my kids n set time don't know where they go and don't know what time they will be back he tells them and then they tell me, tonight I got very angry because noone would give me a straight answer, so I am going to push myself Monday morning to go to family court.

    1. I want to know what time they will be picked
    2. where they are going
    3. when they will be back
    4. and that they are taken to there sports games. and church

    Imagine he goes to church

    Last year the **** took my middle guy and saidd they went to a hotel and later on I found out that they went to her place, he made my son lie to me, what kind of sick **** does that?
    3A some 3b Total Product Junkie
  • journotravelerjournotraveler Registered Users Posts: 2,816
    keewee, i don't know if you're already done this or not, but it sounds like you need to hire a good lawyer.... fast. you need protection, you need to make sure that your financial interests are protected and you need to set up a parenting plan that would spell out visitation rights. i wish you peace & strength through all this. i'm sorry you're going through this.
    3B corkscrews with scatterings of 3A & 3C.
  • munchkinmunchkin Registered Users Posts: 2,909 Curl Connoisseur
    I just want to wish you the best. I'm sure a lot of the hurt you are feeling is because any change can cause us mental and emotional anguish even if we know it is the best thing for us. Just upsetting your life, even for the better, can take some getting used to. Take some time for yourself and eventually the hurt will subside. Hugs to you.
  • CurlycarolineCurlycaroline Registered Users Posts: 60
    I am so sorry, but you sound so brave and strong. My first marriage ended in divorce, and then when I fell in love again in my thirties, the man I was to marry died in my arms. I never thought I would find love again, but I got married again in my 40s and I had my first child! YOu will be happy again, I know it.
  • fromargefromarge Registered Users Posts: 2
    Hang in there!

    Im new to this board, primarily been lurking, but I HAD to reply to your post. I'm 41, my divorce was finalized shortly after I turned 40. Then my dad died, and I got laid off at my job of 6 years. What you are feeling is NOT unusual. My ex was verbally abusive, and a cheater too, and although I initiated the divorce, I still felt isolated, miserable, and at times, hopeless. I felt like I lost control of my life.

    But everything that happened has given me the opportunity to reconnect with my family and I have been fortunate enough to have reunited with some old friends. Seek out a therapist or support group to talk to; well-meaining friends/family can be opinionated and can tire of all of your bad relationship and divorce talk. I had a discussion with my doctor about anti-depressents, but we mutually decided that my depression was situational, not clinical.

    Keep yourself busy with activities that please you, but be careful of risky behaviors, like over indulging in shopping, dates, etc. Working out at the gym, has really helped me. In the last year and a half, I lost the 20 lbs I gained during the marriage, I meet men that think I'm in my 20's! I feel great, have a great new job that pays more than my last job.

    I'm still adjusting to living by myself (fortunately I didnt have children with the bum), but overall, life is good for me now as a single woman in my 40's. Once you get past the rough times, there is so much opportunity for happiness.
  • WiregirlWiregirl Registered Users Posts: 1,695
    Hang in there, I turned 40 nursing a newborn boy, and ass hole walked out. I was destroyed emotionally, and financially. But now 11 years later, life is GREAT for me, but not for him. KARMA.
    Oh, your ex doesn't get to send someone over to pick up the kids, hire a lawyer! If you can't afford one, go thru legal aid. They are there to help you, and they will. Hang in there! :(

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