Having Children at this age

DEL2CDEL2C Registered Users Posts: 6,418 Curl Neophyte
How do you feel about this? DH would love for us to have a 2nd child. I go through spurts here & there but my gut always tells me NO. I don't want to go through it again plus DH works very long hours so I can be a SAHM and also Home School. I just feel like I'd be raising another child on my own (so to speak ) without the emotional support that is so critical when raising children. I felt very much alone and isolated the first few years without him, a baby and no family nearby.

Now that DD is older it's different she's more independent we can do things together that you can't when they are babies. This is putting some strain on our relationship. Financially, emotionally, physically the whole idea of it is exhausting for me! Plus babies grow up!! It may not seem more expensive for the first few years but it does take a lot of money to raise kids!

His world goes on just like before. He gets up, goes to work, works on the house, goes to bed. Meanwhile I'd be raising 2 kids alone!! Even though he says he would help more I know he physically can't if he's working 12hrs a day 65+hrs a week. We've had terrible arguments in the past because he said he would do the night time routine or some other thing and the clock keeps ticking, it didn't get done, the child becomes over-tired etc. I finally gave up and just did it myself because it wasn't worth the frustration.

Anyone else experience something similar to this dilemma? :?
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Comments

  • alacurlalacurl Registered Users Posts: 1,199 Curl Novice
    I don't have children and definitely would not want any at my age, or any more if I already had a child. Sorry I don't have a more helpful perspective or experience.

    If your gut says no, listen to it. Especially if you've been there before with the frustrations and see no reason for the situation to be different the second time around.

    One thing I can say for sure is that every time I ignored my gut, I regretted it. :)
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  • LL~2009LL~2009 Registered Users Posts: 146
    I havent been through this and yet i hear you loud and clear. I beleive in two things strongly: listening to your gut and team work. so, what i see you expressing is you havent already seen the team work you need yet he is the one that wants the child. Men are generally unable to understand all that goes into raising and caring and dealing with kids full time as well as everything that goes along wi/ it: house, self, etc. They cant help it, they just dont have the experience and are in there own world more or less.

    If you dont follow your gut you could end up resenting him and the child.
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  • LL~2009LL~2009 Registered Users Posts: 146
    ps: when i say listen you your gut lets remember we're talking about the innate power of woman's intuition:queen:
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  • DEL2CDEL2C Registered Users Posts: 6,418 Curl Neophyte
    alacurl wrote: »
    I don't have children and definitely would not want any at my age, or any more if I already had a child. Sorry I don't have a more helpful perspective or experience.

    If your gut says no, listen to it. Especially if you've been there before with the frustrations and see no reason for the situation to be different the second time around.

    One thing I can say for sure is that every time I ignored my gut, I regretted it. :)
    Thanks for your honesty alacurl :)

    I know what you're saying about my gut instinct. The thing is my gut had told me not to have DD 5yrs ago & it all worked out. She's the love of my life best thing to ever happen to me. How would I know that 2nd one wouldn't be the same? My biggest fear is my age :( I think.....complications etc. with pregnancy in your 40's UGH...but that's on top of the whole lack of support, frustration etc. that I've already mentioned.
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  • DEL2CDEL2C Registered Users Posts: 6,418 Curl Neophyte
    LL~2009 wrote: »
    I havent been through this and yet i hear you loud and clear. I beleive in two things strongly: listening to your gut and team work. so, what i see you expressing is you havent already seen the team work you need yet he is the one that wants the child. Men are generally unable to understand all that goes into raising and caring and dealing with kids full time as well as everything that goes along wi/ it: house, self, etc. They cant help it, they just dont have the experience and are in there own world more or less.

    If you dont follow your gut you could end up resenting him and the child.
    LL I couldn't have said it better!! It's soooooooooooo true! I think DH gets caught up in the "emotion" of having a baby and the romantic notion of it all. He seems to forget the reality of all night feedings, colic, crying, poopie diapers...etc. etc. etc. etc.

    I just can't seem to express this to him without provoking a fight so I bite my tongue. Plus I hate to ruin the few precious hrs we have together by arguing :(
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  • CurliniCurlini Registered Users Posts: 258 Curl Neophyte
    You seem to be looking at this very realistically. If he was a full partner in helping with the day to day, not to mention, night-time, work of raising the children you might be more inclined. A second child changes the whole picture dramatically & I think you're absolutely right that it would put a great deal more pressure on your marriage. I think you have to go with what your gut is telling you. The crucial piece is that you are not feeling a strong urge to have another baby and I think that tells you what you need to know. Good luck with this difficult decision. Not easy.
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  • jeepcurlygurljeepcurlygurl Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Posts: 20,729 Curl Virtuoso
    I personally wouldn't want a kid after 40 and I'm pretty opinionated about 'older' people having kids, and people having more than one kid, on and on. And absolutely no one should have a kid to please someone else, be it spouse, parent, whoever!! So that's how I feel about it.

    But I ditto what others have said of your decision - it's your body, your life, you should think long and hard and go with your instincts.
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  • DEL2CDEL2C Registered Users Posts: 6,418 Curl Neophyte
    Curlini wrote: »
    You seem to be looking at this very realistically. If he was a full partner in helping with the day to day, not to mention, night-time, work of raising the children you might be more inclined. A second child changes the whole picture dramatically & I think you're absolutely right that it would put a great deal more pressure on your marriage. I think you have to go with what your gut is telling you. The crucial piece is that you are not feeling a strong urge to have another baby and I think that tells you what you need to know. Good luck with this difficult decision. Not easy.
    TY ladies for your kind words and support. You all understand where I'm coming from. When we first got together I did say I wanted 2 kids. Even right after I had DD like 2wks later I said I would have another. I was so totally completely in love with my new baby and I wanted more of these little miracles.

    Then reality set in of him not being around and the loneliness of being alone with a baby 24/7, lack of sleep, breastfeeding on demand, attachment parenting etc. I wouldn't do any of that differently I knew the sacrifices I had to make. What I wasn't prepared for was the lack of team work for sure....No not an easy decision when he feels that I lied to him & fails to recognize that our life isn't a fairy tale with family dinners every night at 6, bath & bed time stories with Daddy, then quality time while we talked about our day...But the alternative was even worse of putting our little girl in day care.
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  • Curly Girl FlaCurly Girl Fla Registered Users Posts: 1,834 Curl Connoisseur
    I had my two girls at 38 and 40 (now 7 and 4); I work outside the home full time, and am the primary provider and caretaker physically and financially. The first baby was quite a surprise, the second was by choice but we didn't think we could get pg again. I wouldn't change a thing, but it's good that you have a very real perspective on this-it's hard, I have to do what the younger moms do, and most people think I am a younger mom--success! DH is just a bigger kid...money is often tight, as is time and solo relaxation is just about non-existent. Even my nc.com time is not really my time, lol....I agree with others-do what you feel is right. I am not in the least religious, but I do think everything somehow happens for a reason...
  • CNYcurlyCNYcurly Registered Users Posts: 39
    Thats a tough decision, but if you do decide to have another, ever though it wont be easy, I dont think you would ever really regret it.
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  • DEL2CDEL2C Registered Users Posts: 6,418 Curl Neophyte
    OMG Curly Girl Fla you're a Super Woman!!!!!!!!! Do you get a lot of support from DH?? You're really OK with shouldering all of that on your own??? I admire you, WOW. I know we just deal with whatever comes our way somehow but when we have a choice I do think it needs to be well thought out. Sometimes I over think things too though. :?
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  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Banned Users Posts: 24,963 Curl Neophyte
    Yep, I feel your pain w/ this decision! I was firm in what I wanted b/c I knew one was all I could handle.

    The daddys get the fun stuff...we do all the work...imho! I know hubby would like more, tho now we are older & his cut off [so he says] has passed, we will just be happy w/ one. I am not pressured by the folks that say the child has to have a sibling or matching pair, etc, blah, blah, blah. They don't live my life, so I trump what they think/say/do, etc, ya know?

    Since the little one has been quite the handfull lately, I'm sure hubby is okay w/ one! lol Sometimes b/w him & the dog, I feel as tho I have at least 2 or 3 more kids...ack!

    Def trust your feelings/intuition/gut/whatever on this...I would..remember that once you pass the point, whatever it may be, you can't undo it. I have absolutely no regrets. I wasn't sure I wanted any at all, but then I got to the point to where it was ish or get off the pot, ya know? And I have to admit that sometimes I do miss when it was just us...lol

    g/l to ya!
  • DEL2CDEL2C Registered Users Posts: 6,418 Curl Neophyte
    WileE everything you say I can totally relate to. I didn't think I ever wanted to be a Mom. So true Dads get the fun stuff! Even the Dog which was supposed to be "his" Dog I ended up taking care of!!! When we decided to have a child the stipulation I had was that I would not work outside the home. Which is why we waited so long because we weren't in a stable situation with a home etc. In my heart of hearts I don't feel I can handle another one I'm just feeling pressured...
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  • AlexjoujouAlexjoujou Registered Users Posts: 2,364
    You should go with how you feel. I was in a similar situation sort of. I was not yet 40 (34 at the time) but I really wanted to be a SAHM. Previously we both worked and my daughter was in day care. It was not good for her. Anyway I had my son and due to his issues I stayed home with him (someone had to).

    I homeschooled during this time (DD's Grade K-2) as well. My DH worked ALL the time. We had little to no together time. I felt like all the burden was on me for anything related to the kids. I was terribly unhappy quite often and felt ultra lonely. Like you I had no family at all nearby. I did have my fellow homeschooler's which was my only real outlet to speak of. Without them or some community I would probably have gone off the deep end. I was exhausted all the time physically and mentally. I knew DH was doing what he had to do (even though he had a hard time finding work that brought in more than poverty level wage) but at the same time I felt so resentful of him. I couldn't even eak out 2 hours to go to Barnes and Noble by myself since he got home at like 9-10 at night too late for me to do anything (honestly I was already in bed with the kids)

    In many ways the sacrifices were worth it. But it took a deep toll on our relationship. I'm not saying it would on yours..if you have good communication and both parties have fully agreed on things then I think it can work fine. But im my heart of hearts I think these times contributed to the eventual dissolution of our marriage..let me make clear there were MANY other issues.many. I'm not saying at all that anything similar would happen..just sharing my viewpoint.

    I think you would have to be 100% on board with the idea to have a second child before moving forward. If you at all feel the hestitation then I'll be my usual bossy self and say I wouldn't do it. It is a huge committment and only you know if you are ready to enter into it fully and joyfully.

    Please know this is all IMHO only. Sometimes in giving advice I come off as preachy or a know it all. That's not my intention. It's just to share what I think..that's all.
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  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,060 Administrator
    Del to have a 2nd child or not is up to you ultimately. You shouldn't have a baby to please someone else if you don't want to. You have to carry the baby, you have to give birth, and you have to give up a part of your life. Yes, it is giving up if it's something you really don't want to do. I made my decision early on because I just knew I didn't want another child and I wasn't up to taking care of another one and didn't want the responsibility. My husband wanted another child but I just couldn't do it because I knew I didn't want to.
  • DEL2CDEL2C Registered Users Posts: 6,418 Curl Neophyte
    Alex you don't sound preachy at all. I do appreciate everyone's advice. I worry how this will affect our marriage long term. If I had the baby and I grow resentful that would be toxic. If I don't have the baby he may resent me and it could come out years from now when our DD is older and doesn't need him as much. I thought we were on the same page he stopped asking & it recently came up again. We were with some friends who took "his" side for lack of a better explanation. I wasn't about to go into great detail in front of everyone why I can't go through this again without sounding like DH was a bad father/husband or something :? So I used my age as the main reason but it didn't work. They continued to say how I was such a great Mom and DD was such a smart & beatiful girl, etc. etc. They just couldn't get over why I didn't want to have more when our kids could be so beautiful!!! I'm going to have to talk to the lady friend in private and ask that it not be brought up again. She can come talk to me after she has her first child!! Maybe then she'll be more understanding.
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  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Banned Users Posts: 24,963 Curl Neophyte
    See, that is not fair for hubby to do that to you & then to have you in that position w/ friends....noooo! :protest:
    Hubby would never try that ish w/ me! I know he would like another. Early on he said he would do this, that & the other, but of course work seemed to come first. No way am I going to relive that. Sure, he might get the sex he wanted the second time..sure, the kids would be gorgeous curlies, blah, blah, but I know my limits & I have to stick to my guns, b/c in the end, I know what will happen & I'm not willing to go there, not to mention I was not happy w/ how our babe was born & don't want to go there again either.

    What Spec said was spot on...please don't feel pressure...we are here for you whatever you decide :)
  • goobernutgoobernut Registered Users Posts: 2,317
    Hey DEL!

    I'm not quite 40, but I am of "advanced maternal age" lol. My DS, goodness bless his soul, was the most colicky baby I have ever had the experience of meeting. My friends used to tell me it was just because he was my first child and they laughed it off (they were all in another state too -- we're air force so stationed away from everyone I knew). Until I came to visit them. They all apologized profusely and didn't know what to tell me. He didn't sleep through the night until he was nearly 2 years old. He still wakes up at the crack of dawn and goes to bed late. I managed to attachment parent through it all, self led weaning, baby wearing gave me some small bit of sanity etc...

    I'm STILL traumatized when people talk about babies. I get this little nervous tick and feel sick at my stomach. That was personally more than I wanna experience again. I know everyone says that every child is different. I don't care if its only a .05% chance that the next one will be the same, I refuse to roll the dice. I told my husband if I "accidentally" get pregnant, I'm moving back to family without him, because I refuse to do that without an entire support group around me. And DH actually helped sorta (when he was in town and not on a business trip for 6 weeks at a time), and I STILL refuse to go through that again without family nearby.

    I'm sorry he doesn't understand how hard it is on you (dear god I do). Everyone is in their own place :). My (not so brilliant advice) is that you look up all the hideous things that can go wrong in older pregnancies and see if you can scare him out of it. We'll just keep the exaggerations to ourselves :) lol.

    Oh oh oh, and I'm an only child :) Wait, I shouldn't tell you that as an example of something that's good ha! No, seriously, your child will not be traumatized for life by being an only child. I have many friends who are jealous of the great relationship I had with my parents. Though people try to make me feel like I'm doing my child a disservice, I don't believe it.
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  • 2poodles2poodles Registered Users Posts: 2,485 Curl Connoisseur
    I had my kids when I was 25, 28 and 30, so I have no personal perspective on having a baby in my 40's.

    I do know that each time before I got pregnant, I felt an incredibly strong urge to have a child. As soon as the third was born, I lost all interest in babies - I knew I was done.

    Now that I'm 47 and my oldest is 22, I am starting to notice babies again. Whenever one of my kids has a baby of her/his own - hopefully not for at least 5 years, lol, I'll be more than ready to be a grandma.

    Personally, I can't imagine going through a pregnancy, childbirth and dealing with a baby without having that really strong biological urge to do so. Why is your husband wanting a baby at this stage? Does he really want one or is he just thinking it'd be fun? Does he have a really strong urge? (I'm not sure if men get that same urge or not). If's he's got a strong urge, that might be really hard to ignore and you'll have to have a serious conversation about it. If it's a whim.... wait it out - he'll get over it!
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  • misspammisspam Registered Users Posts: 5,318
    (((hugs))) to you DEL! I'm sorry you're going through this and wish I had some awesome advice for you, but I agree with what others have said so far. Ultimately, the final decision should be yours since you will be the one carrying the baby. No one should be forced or pressured into having a baby against their wishes -- no one!

    I also agree with WileE. That was an awfully uncomfortable and unfair position for your husband to put you in in front of other people. Your friends were also wrong to take anyone's side in an issue that belongs solely between you and your husband. I think it's more than OK to privately ask the female friend to kindly not bring up the subject again. Some things are meant to be private between husband and wife. It sounds like you and hubby need to have further talks and get this issue settled before it causes some lasting damage.

    Again, BIG HUGS to you DEL! :love2:
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  • tinahtinah Registered Users Posts: 1,195 Curl Neophyte
    I'm 38 and had my children very close together (14 months apart) because I knew I wanted more than one. When I had my second one - I got my tubes tied right then and there. I knew I didn't want any more. Babies are a 24/7 job...for years. They require your ful attention. Not to mention the advanced maternal age (I really hate that phrase!) into the mix. Talk to him about what you two would do if it was determined that there was something genetically wrong with the baby. That situation is going to require so much more care and possibly for a lifetime. Is that something he is ready for? What will he do if the ultrasound or amnio showed a problem? How would you afford the necessary medical care? These are the discussions that might change his mind. Make it a reality for him. Not saying that there would be something wrong with the baby but the odds increase greatly over 40. As it stands now I'll be well into my 50's before we have an empty house again. Remind him of what age you'll both be when the baby leaves the nest.

    I have to agree that having a baby when you don't really feel it is never a good idea. And bringing up such a delicate subject infront of friends is not a good idea either. I hope that you two can come to a solution that makes you both happy in this situation. It's a tough one. I'm sorry I don't have better advice for you.
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  • DEL2CDEL2C Registered Users Posts: 6,418 Curl Neophyte
    goober- I totally get where you're coming from. My DD was not an easy baby. I had these visions of nursing her to sleep setting her down in her basinet or crib and she would sleep peacefully until morning. NOT! LOL!!! Out of desperation and exhaustion she ended up in my bed so I could nurse her every 2hrs next to me rather then try to get up constantly and try to get her to sleep. Crying herself to sleep was not an option for me. I don't know how parents do this! It would make my stomach turn, it still does when I hear babies cry :( it's too painful for me.

    poodles- this isn't a whim he loves kids, he is in his late 30's maybe when he hits 40 he'll see things from my perspective? By then it really will be too late for me. It already is even though women have kids in their 40's now.

    misspam -thnx for the hugs! To be fair to DH he wasn't the one that brought up the kids thing but he didn't put a stop to it either. It used to get brought up at his fam. gatherings. I had to put a stop to that by talking privately to his Mother and Sister. It just fuels the fire. He might not be totally OK with it but he comes to accept it until someone brings it up again and it's like pouring salt on his wound.

    tinah-you're absolutely right about all the medical issues etc. We have discussed this before many times. THAT is something I'm not prepared to live with. I honestly don't think we'll be able to come to a solution that we're both happy with. It's a matter of accepting what can and can't be done. I don't have a strong enough maternal urge to want to do it again and the complications of age make it that much Scarier!!!!!! I honestly feel that if I was 30 or 35 I might have the energy knowing that he is limited because of working. I'll be 41 in March it's just too late.

    I guess I'll have to talk to him one of these nights but it breaks my heart to break his heart all over again. I have to choose a time when his mood is just right. Not too stressed or tired from work he actually has to be in a good mood when I talk to him or it will turn into a fight. So basically I have to ruin his good mood.

    Thanks so much ladies, I do appreciate your kind words and input so much!!!
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  • rudeechickrudeechick Registered Users Posts: 6,726
    Just read the OP - am going to respond before I read what others have to say.

    My initial reaction:

    D, you answered your own question.
    Curls,Coils,Waves & WhatKnot:geek:
    3miii/My HGs tame bulk&frizz/Give definition w/o crunch
    My Photobucket Album
  • DEL2CDEL2C Registered Users Posts: 6,418 Curl Neophyte
    rudeechick wrote: »
    Just read the OP - am going to respond before I read what others have to say.

    My initial reaction:

    D, you answered your own question.
    I know, I know...........I think I needed the strength from you curlies to really confront it yet again.

    :sad11:
    Discovered CG 2007

    2C Fia BSL/Thick/Med-Coarse/Low(crown)-Normal Porosity Protein and Oil Sensitive

    Link-Spritz & Condish Washing:glasses7:

    I'm aCurlJunkieJunky :love4:

    My hair LOVES Coconut DESPISES Soap Bars :tongue6:


    CJRehab or H&B Fix, Deva NO POO, EO Rose & Cham POO & Condish, CJ CurlFix, CJ Pattern Pusha, CJ CIAB, SS FHG, KCCC, BRHG, AG Mousse Gel, ACV Rinses,Shikakai Conditioning Hair Rinse.
  • rudeechickrudeechick Registered Users Posts: 6,726
    Okay, Now my opinion:

    I personally WOULD have another child in my early 40s. Even alone.

    I had my youngest at 39; the then husband and I were on the rocks, but we both agreed that the clock was ticking and knew we wanted a 2nd child regardless. I ALWAYS raised my first one alone (the biggest reason my marriage fell apart, but that's a whole nother thread). My soul knew I needed another child.

    I had the opportunity to have a 3rd baby in my early 40s. but my SO was not in the same place, and it near broke my heart (I knew it was my last chance). I DO believe in gds plan, and everything happens as it should, but I will always feel that I should have had one more - even alone, even old, even tired.

    And THOSE, my dear, would be the reasons to HAVE ANOTHER BABY. That is the sound of my gut SCREAMING. Your gut is screaming JUST AS LOUDLY, its just saying something else.

    Your real issue is making peace with this between your DH and yourself. And you will; perhaps involve a counselor or mediator?

    Good luck D; reach out if I can help.
    Curls,Coils,Waves & WhatKnot:geek:
    3miii/My HGs tame bulk&frizz/Give definition w/o crunch
    My Photobucket Album
  • SpiralliSpiralli Registered Users Posts: 3,684 Curl Connoisseur
    I'm in my mid-40's; no, I do not want to have another child at this point in my life. I don't have the energy for it.
    Location: Texas
    Type: 3b/3c (i), below shoulder length.
    CO wash: A-O GPB LYY, Desert Essence Coconut, Oribe Silverati
    Leave-ins: Curl Junkie Beauti-Curls, KCKT, cno overnight
    Styling: BRHG, MGA Sculpting Gel, A-O Mandarin Magic Gel, LOTD AVG, LALSG, CJ Pattern Pusha
    DT: Curl Junkie Deep Fix, Briogeo Don't Despair Repair!
  • OnduleeOndulee Registered Users Posts: 1,305 Curl Connoisseur
    delete
    shoulder length bob; fine; 3A-3B; thin density; normal porosity; normal elasticity- my hair loves keratin, ACV, silk protein ,Curlkeeper and AG:Recoil ; needs moisturizing products and hates oils except mineral oil; CG- Jan/'09-mod CG Sept/'09;CG again Jan/'10/mod CG from Mar'10


  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Banned Users Posts: 24,963 Curl Neophyte
    Great post Ondulee...
    DEL2C...how long were y'all married before having the little one? We were 10 yrs...ya, I know..lol
  • misspammisspam Registered Users Posts: 5,318
    DEL, I just wanted to add something else. I had my daughter at 31 and my son at 33. So at 35, when my youngest was about 2 years old, the old clock began ticking for another baby -- for me anyway. My husband is six years older than me, so he was 41 at the time and was not interested in having any more children. He had already had a vasectomy which we both agreed upon, but I wanted him to go in and get it reversed and he wasn't having any of it. After some arguments and lots of crying from me, I finally had to make peace with the fact that we had been blessed with 2 healthy children and somehow, the longing for another one slowly faded.

    Again, I have no real words of advice other than continue talking honestly with your man and I am confident you will work out this issue. PM me if you'd like. :)
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • wavycurly40+wavycurly40+ Registered Users Posts: 2,017 Curl Neophyte
    I'm late to this, and I don't have kids so I can't offer much perspective. But I will say this: From your OP, it sounds like you really don't want another child.

    So here's a question for you: what is your main reason for worrying about, or questioning, your own feelings? Is it that there will be conflict between you and your husband because he doesn't understand? (And btw, you didn't do anything wrong. You didn't "lie" to him. Your views just changed, based on life experience!). Is it the pressure from others (like your friends) that you fear? Or are you worried that you will genuinely regret not having another?

    In my opinion, the last of these is the most serious one to think about. I worried about that when I decided not to have kids, because everybody says that, once you have them, you can't imagine being without them. So you need to think about that -- but it sounds like you are thinking about it, and weighing it in your decision. You know much better than I do how to weigh the joys of a new child against the very real challenges.

    I also understand that conflict with your husband could be a very big deal if he's not going to understand. Yet I don't think giving in to him, and possibly feeling resentment, is a great way to avoid conflict!

    So I have no answers -- just ideas for you to think about as you weigh the pros and cons of various decisions. I wish you good luck. It sounds like a really tough decision! Just remember that what YOU want is important.

    Wurly and proud!
    Modified CG since 2008.

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