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Do women go thru a mid life crisis?

tinahtinah Posts: 1,195Registered Users Curl Neophyte
I'm of the belief that we do. I need some help and advice because I don't know what to do right now. I've been with my husband for 17 years and we've been married for 11. We have two small children. For the last couple of years I've just not been happy. I feel like I married the wrong man. Not that I have another man in mind because I don't. I just feel like I've changed and he hasn't. Like I've grown and matured some but he hasn't. I don't know what to do. All I can think about is that I don't want to spend another 17 years like this. I'm seriously considering divorce but I don't know if this is some sort of a phase I'm going through or if this is realy just how I feel. Can anyone offer me any type of advice or wisdom at all?
CG - 3/27/09
3b - dry - medium texture/medium porosity!
Co wash/rinseout/leave in: currently auditioning products
Styling: lube and BRHG
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Comments

  • 2poodles2poodles Posts: 2,480Registered Users
    Oh, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. :sad1:

    Women absolutely do go through issues at mid-life! Especially when the hormones change dramatically during perimenopause and menopause. You might want to consider seeing your gyn to have your levels checked to determine if there's anything that can help them stabilize.

    Also consider seeing a psychologist or marriage counselor.

    I don't really have any other advice, except to explore your feelings and your options, take your time and make the best decision you can. Good luck.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]2Poodles :flower: Southeast PA
    fine, med porosity, normal elasticity
    Currently using the following 2 - 3 x/week:
    Living Proof Perfect Hair Day suphate-free Poo, cone-free CO and styling treatment, plus KCCC

  • tinahtinah Posts: 1,195Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Thanks for your support I really appreciate that. Is it possible that I'm hitting perimenopause at 38?
    CG - 3/27/09
    3b - dry - medium texture/medium porosity!
    Co wash/rinseout/leave in: currently auditioning products
    Styling: lube and BRHG
  • ChevelureChevelure Posts: 101Registered Users
    tinah wrote: »
    Thanks for your support I really appreciate that. Is it possible that I'm hitting perimenopause at 38?

    I think that's within the range, but a gyn can give you a blood test. Any possible hormonal changes aside, the problems you describe sound real enough to me.

    Maybe you should try therapy. Not because there's something wrong with you, but in order to have a person committed to listening to you with whom you can confidentially discuss your problems, what you'd like to do and realistically can do with the rest of your life. If couples therapy seems as if it would be helpful, you can pursue it then.

    First concentrate on you.
  • ChevelureChevelure Posts: 101Registered Users
    tinah wrote: »
    Thanks for your support I really appreciate that. Is it possible that I'm hitting perimenopause at 38?

    BTW, I have a good friend who's a therapist and a Ph.D in clinical psychology who's said to me that it's completely developmentally appropriate for people in middle age to ponder the path not taken. Moreover, in today's economy, many people have to adjust to the unpleasant reality that they're not going to have the career success that they always thought they would have and worked towards. It's a hard adjustment.

    You may not be working outside of the home, but the mood of the times only exacerbates problems like yours. It's really difficult if you feel stuck and aren't sure what to do. Added to the problems of family responsibilities, questions about working on a marriage that seems to have run its course, is the economic reality.
  • jeepcurlygurljeepcurlygurl Posts: 19,249Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    All I can offer you is a pat on the back.
    I think people go through big changes throughout life. I left 3 long term relationships (each over 10 years) for various reasons, but mostly because we changed. I'm still friends with all of them (the last one is my very best friend), but just couldn't live with them any longer.

    Again, no advice, but just know you are not alone.
    --I'm located in Western PA.
    --I found NC in late 2004, CG since February 2005, started going grey in late 2005.
    --My hair is 3B with some 3A, texture-medium/fine, porosity-normal except for the ends which are porous, elasticity-normal.
    --My long time favorite products are Suave & VO5 conditioners, LA Looks Sport Gel, oils, honey, vinegar.
    --My CG and grey hair progress -- http://www.naturallycurly.com/curltalk/going-gray/179328-jeepys-grey-hair-progress.html
  • tinahtinah Posts: 1,195Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    All I can offer you is a pat on the back.
    I think people go through big changes throughout life. I left 3 long term relationships (each over 10 years) for various reasons, but mostly because we changed. I'm still friends with all of them (the last one is my very best friend), but just couldn't live with them any longer.

    Again, no advice, but just know you are not alone.

    this is good to hear! That would certainly be my ultimate goal with my husband. That we can remain really good friends. I do love him - I just don't want to be married to him.
    CG - 3/27/09
    3b - dry - medium texture/medium porosity!
    Co wash/rinseout/leave in: currently auditioning products
    Styling: lube and BRHG
  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users
    Does buying a classic car count? lol
    0004.gif

    Ever since the sports thread wars I have sensed a special connection between [edit] & Wile. Like the connection oil has to water. I almost can't speak of it. Wait....my eyes are misting. ~asq
    Let’s just stay together and tell the world to kiss our ass. ~P


  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 8,660Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I think this can happen especially if you got together when you were young. I'm guessing you started dating him when you were 21.

    This sorta happened to me. I married at 21 and was married for 20 years. We just didn't grow together. I felt very unsatisfied.

    I wish we could have talked and gone to marriage counselling, but he didn't feel we needed it. It takes 2 to make a marriage work and I didn't feel he was making an effort, so I left.

    I'm 58 now with 3 grandchildren and I really regret that we couldn't have stayed together as a family and made it work.

    I would suggest talking to you husband and being completely honest with him. It may open his eyes and make a difference. Good luck.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 8,660Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Does buying a classic car count? lol

    No, that's just showing you have good taste. I love classic cars, too.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • newmenewme Posts: 141Registered Users
    I could have written your post - except I've only been married 9 years and I can't imagine another 9 of the same thing. I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet. My kids are young and I feel like I owe it to them to try a little harder (if not longer). Plus, if I'm really honest with myself, I'm more dissatisfied with me than with my marriage. That's not quite right. . . what I mean is that I'm not sure whether my dissatisfaction is really about my relationship or whether it's about what's going on in me (body image, energy levels, hair!, career blues, rut, stress. . . etc.) So I've decided to work on me for now and I hope that through that process I will be able to address what is wrong with us. That said, I truly believe that marriage is a life choice not a life sentence. Only you know which one your marriage feels like to you and only you can decide what to do. Wishing you the very best as your sort it out.
  • rudeechickrudeechick Posts: 6,726Registered Users
    FYI - 17 years is a common number among those who divorce for some reason.

    Anyway, get counseling, you will figure out what you want. Yes, we go thru hormonal changes with lowered Estrogen and raised Progesterone which makes MANY women more assertive - ie, we become less sacrificial, less willing to take crap, etc.

    It happened to me at 41 when, after 17 years of marriage (9 of them unhappy) I suddenly wasnt willing to settle anymore. I'm NOT saying you should divorce. I am saying get to the root of the unrest and the rest will come to you. Plus, when you are not sure what to do, do nothing.
    Curls,Coils,Waves & WhatKnot:geek:
    3miii/My HGs tame bulk&frizz/Give definition w/o crunch
    My Photobucket Album
  • wavycurly40+wavycurly40+ Posts: 2,017Registered Users
    I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think it's very natural to question your life choices at this stage of life. It's also a big time for questioning who you want to be and how you want to live -- and figuring out how to create that for yourself.

    Like the others here, I'd recommend not acting TOO rashly. Therapy is great. It really helps you to isolate your priorities and figure out what you want and how to make it happen. Only you can figure out if you can make that happen within your marriage, or if you need to leave the marriage to make it happen. But discussing it with an impartial 3rd party helps so much.

    I wish you all the best.

    Wurly and proud!
    Modified CG since 2008.
  • alacurlalacurl Posts: 1,193Registered Users
    First of all, I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I do think some people have mid-life crises. If nothing else, mid-life can be a time of many changes, especially for women. Children grow up, parents begin to decline, and our hormones go wacky. Nice, right? :)

    I agree with everyone who has suggested speaking with a counselor. Even if you end up making a hard decision, therapy will help you work through it with less pain, IMO. (I'm not suggesting that you should make a hard decision -- just if you do.)

    One other thing: No one is happy 100 percent of the time. So like you said, this could be a phase for you. Therapy would help you determine your true feelings.
    shoulder-length 3a/b, depending on weather and products (or lack of products!)
  • rbbrbb Posts: 4,094Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    i agree with a lot of what was said, mostly that getting into therapy will be the best thing that you can do for yourself. seriously. just for you, not couples therapy at this point. it may save your marriage, it may not, but it will help you figure out what is best for you across the board in your life.
    i personally think midlife crisis happen to people who have unresolved issues. yes, we do always consider the path not taken, but not in a crisis way. a crisis implies that we are reacting strongly to something(s). it is the degree of the reaction. there is a saying, "hysterical is historical," meaning a person may be reacting to something going on in the here and now, but they are overreacting on top of that to some old stuff.
    it's always good to look at yourself, your life (ie, therapy). it adds new dimensions to your life, helps you in ALL areas of your life. money well spent.
    good luck!!

    3a, some 2c & 3b, medium texture, porosity normal, low elasticity :-(
    washing/cowashing, conditioning, protein tx: curl junkie products
    leave in:cj conditioners and treatments as leave in
    styling: cj aloe fix gel, cj pattern pusha, cj honey butta leave in, cj cccc, cj ciab.
    sealants - jane carter nourish & shine
  • tinahtinah Posts: 1,195Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    thanks for all the good advice everyone! I really do appreciate it. I've been feeling this way for a couple years now. I've been trying to sort it all out in my head. We went to marriage counseling. When the therapist asked what my issues were I talked for 30 minutes. When she asked my husband what his issues were he said he didn't have any. He was happy with our relationship and the way things were. So...therpay was kind of a bust. Our communication skills are good. We talk. We've talked about all of it. I've explained all my issues and what I'm feeling. He understands but he doesn't seem to be able to change. I've suggested individual therapy for him or even talking his regular Dr. about anti depressants but he wants to try and fix his issues on his own. So I'm going to let him try. We have two small children and I do want to be able to say I did everything I could to save our marriage. Right now we've decided to have a trial separation after the first of the year. To see if this is what either of us really wants. I'm hoping that he'll realize what he's missing being apart from his family and it will make him really want to work on everything but I guess we'll see. He says he doesn't want to get divorced or separate but he's willing to give it a try. So that's where it stands right now. I just don't know what else to do.

    And yes - we got together about the time I was 21. We dated for six years before getting married and had six years as husband and wife before having kids.
    CG - 3/27/09
    3b - dry - medium texture/medium porosity!
    Co wash/rinseout/leave in: currently auditioning products
    Styling: lube and BRHG
  • 2poodles2poodles Posts: 2,480Registered Users
    Best of luck to you all. I hope you are able to enjoy the holidays and that your trial separation in the new year gives you the perspective and clarity to make the best decision for you and your family. (((HUGS)))
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]2Poodles :flower: Southeast PA
    fine, med porosity, normal elasticity
    Currently using the following 2 - 3 x/week:
    Living Proof Perfect Hair Day suphate-free Poo, cone-free CO and styling treatment, plus KCCC

  • heart-of-dixieheart-of-dixie Posts: 392Registered Users
    FYI - 17 years is a common number among those who divorce for some reason.


    This applies to me. I divorced my husband at 17 years. I thought it was unusual but I guess it wasn't.
    I was going through a mid-life crisis. Now that I look
    back, I really was not fair to him. He is a good person but we did grow apart. I think the stress of
    a teen-ager was our downfall. We could not pull together during extreme stress.
  • rbbrbb Posts: 4,094Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    tinah, i think the best thing to do is for you to get individual therapy during this time for so many reasons -- one of which is to make sure you are handling this correctly with your children. separations can be difficult on them.
    i am not saying not to divorce, i did, and my kids are wonderful, happy, successful in career and personal life -- now grown and married. it is how the parents handle all of it is what makes the difference.
    the other reason is for you, what do you want, what is in your control, what isn't. sometimes if we make changes, the people around us change. if not, then how to best handle it. he will be in your life forever as you have kids together.
    it sounds as tho you are both doing a good job, want to keep it that way no matter how the marriage ends up.
    it is a difficult time, i know. so good luck!

    3a, some 2c & 3b, medium texture, porosity normal, low elasticity :-(
    washing/cowashing, conditioning, protein tx: curl junkie products
    leave in:cj conditioners and treatments as leave in
    styling: cj aloe fix gel, cj pattern pusha, cj honey butta leave in, cj cccc, cj ciab.
    sealants - jane carter nourish & shine
  • Hakim NuraldinHakim Nuraldin Posts: 1,467Registered Users
    Honey, I am there with you. I realized that I could not spend another day with my SO. Not another minute, hour or second. For me it was easy, because we don't live together, but we do have a child together. I just got tired of being taken for granted.

    We'd been together for 5 years and not married. He said he' wanted to marry me, but as time went on and the longer it took to happen, I realized that I didn't want that anymore. I have to say that yes I am happier. Of course, now that it's over, NOW he wants to buy me a ring. NOW he wants us to spend more quality time together. NOW he wants to take a serious interest in our son/the family as a whole. NOW he wants to begin/complete home improvement projects at my place. And he still wants me to have sex with him, which I will not do. It's too late.

    No more verbal abuse. No more psych games. No more manipulation. No more feeling depressed about the relationship. No more unappreciativeness ( I just made that word up! LOL). Just peace and quiet and freedom.

    Please forgive me for jacking your thread. Don't do what I did. Do what's best for you and your situation.
    Hugs!
  • DEL2CDEL2C Posts: 6,418Registered Users
    tinah I don't really have advice but my heart goes out to you. Maybe some time apart is what you both need, it's so difficult when there are children involved. Good luck.
    Discovered CG 2007

    2C Fia BSL/Thick/Med-Coarse/Low(crown)-Normal Porosity Protein and Oil Sensitive

    Link-Spritz & Condish Washing:glasses7:

    I'm aCurlJunkieJunky :love4:

    My hair LOVES Coconut DESPISES Soap Bars :tongue6:


    CJRehab or H&B Fix, Deva NO POO, EO Rose & Cham POO & Condish, CJ CurlFix, CJ Pattern Pusha, CJ CIAB, SS FHG, KCCC, BRHG, AG Mousse Gel, ACV Rinses,Shikakai Conditioning Hair Rinse.
  • curlysue21curlysue21 Posts: 5,219Registered Users
    Tinah, how are things going? I was searching for help and found this thread and it really spoke to me.

    I have been with my husband for 16 years and almost married for 14. The last couple of years I have been unhappy with our situation and lately I feel like we have hit a wall and that nothing will change. I have vocalized my issues with him and while he knows how I feel, he doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. We have two kids and I am struggling with keeping our relationship together for their sake. I have been looking into counseling or some kind of therapy for us as well and am hoping that it helps.

    Sorry to guano your thread. I hope things have improved for you and wish you the best. :)
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]2b/c, medium/high porosity, medium/coarse texture
    Current HG: Kinky Curly errythang, GVPCB, LALSG

    "I will never be the woman with perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it."

  • tinahtinah Posts: 1,195Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    curlysue21 wrote: »
    Tinah, how are things going? I was searching for help and found this thread and it really spoke to me.

    I have been with my husband for 16 years and almost married for 14. The last couple of years I have been unhappy with our situation and lately I feel like we have hit a wall and that nothing will change. I have vocalized my issues with him and while he knows how I feel, he doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. We have two kids and I am struggling with keeping our relationship together for their sake. I have been looking into counseling or some kind of therapy for us as well and am hoping that it helps.

    Sorry to guano your thread. I hope things have improved for you and wish you the best. :)
    Thanks for asking! Right now things are...ok. My husband moved out just over a week ago. I don't know how things are going to go. He comes over on Saturdays to visit with the kids and to stay with them because I have an obligation on Saturday nights. He stays here that night and leaves the next day. So far this seems to be working out ok but then it's only been a week. The first week was very hard on the kids (three and four years old). But they do seem to be adapting to it fairly well.

    I don't know how things will play out in the long run as he doesn't seem to want to talk about the issues. I have decided to let it go and wait until he brings it up. He says he doesn't want to live on his own, he doesn't want to get divorced and doesn't want to be away from me and the kids - but doesn't want to talk about the issues either. That just doesn't work for me. We'll see how it goes I guess. But for right now things seem to be ok. The first week was very hard for me. I'm handling it much better now. The kids are adjusting. I think it helps a lot that my husband and I are not fighting. We are still friendly toward each other and genuinely enjoy each other's company. So I think that makes things easier on the kids as they aren't seeing mommy and daddy being mean or nasty to each other. So far that's the best I can tell you right now. I hope that helps you some - and I hope that you are able to find an answer that makes you happy. Feel free to message me if you'd like to talk.
    CG - 3/27/09
    3b - dry - medium texture/medium porosity!
    Co wash/rinseout/leave in: currently auditioning products
    Styling: lube and BRHG
  • quallasingsquallasings Posts: 3Registered Users
    I do think that we have mid life crisis. I just went thru one and fell off the bridge. lol I will be 45 in two months and have been natural since Dec. 08. I had all my perm cut out, my hair was on my shoulders. I came home, without warning my husband, with 3 inches long twists. He still don't like it and I still don't care but it was something that I wanted to do. I get MORE compliments on my hair (male and female)
    In early March 08, I decided to braid it. That's the last time I had a touch up. Nevermind the fact that my twist touch my shoulders and that its healthier and thicker, he'd rather have a straight-haired wife. I look 'up kept', as he put it. Oh Well......after 20 years of marriage...I'm finally at a place in my life where I am happy with who I am. (not to mention I just published my 2nd book) To quote India.Arie "I am not my hair"
    He's gradually coming around.
  • wild~hairwild~hair Posts: 9,890Registered Users
    rbb wrote: »
    it is the degree of the reaction. there is a saying, "hysterical is historical," meaning a person may be reacting to something going on in the here and now, but they are overreacting on top of that to some old stuff.

    I'm well familiar with this phenomenon and I love this saying, it encapsulates it so perfectly.

    ETA: Just noticed this thread got bumped by spam. Oopsers.
  • tinahtinah Posts: 1,195Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    It's been almost a year since I last posted about all this. You ladies were so sweet and so understanding about all this. I couldn't have asked for better advice. Thank you!

    We separated at the beginning of this last year. By April I filed for divorce. By the middle of June we were divorced. BEST.DECISION.EVER!!!! You guys, I didn't realize just how unhappy I had been until he moved out of the house. I am soo much happier with myself and my life. My kids have adjusted very very well to the whole thing. My ex lives about a mile away from me. He takes the boys on the weekends every once in a while. My mind set is so much better now. Those of you who told me to focus on myself first - you were so right about it. Nothing gets better if you aren't happy with yourself. And I am. I understand now that his happiness is not my responsibility and my happiness isn't his. I am responsible for making me happy and depending on someone else for that is just...well, not good. I have a much better outlook on life. Thank you so much for all your advice! I'm in a much better place. Thank you again, so much, for all the advice from those of you who've "been there". I really do appreciate it all!
    CG - 3/27/09
    3b - dry - medium texture/medium porosity!
    Co wash/rinseout/leave in: currently auditioning products
    Styling: lube and BRHG
  • jeepcurlygurljeepcurlygurl Posts: 19,249Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I'm glad things are working out. You 'sound' happy!
    --I'm located in Western PA.
    --I found NC in late 2004, CG since February 2005, started going grey in late 2005.
    --My hair is 3B with some 3A, texture-medium/fine, porosity-normal except for the ends which are porous, elasticity-normal.
    --My long time favorite products are Suave & VO5 conditioners, LA Looks Sport Gel, oils, honey, vinegar.
    --My CG and grey hair progress -- http://www.naturallycurly.com/curltalk/going-gray/179328-jeepys-grey-hair-progress.html
  • ninja dogninja dog Posts: 23,780Registered Users
    I'm glad it worked out for you, Tinah.

    I'm one of the believers in women's mid-life crises; see my "I wonder if I should have had kids?" thread from a few weeks ago.

    Good for you for going with your gut.
  • rbbrbb Posts: 4,094Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    tinah, i'm glad that you are now in a good place. i know it is a tough decision, and it sounds like after a lot of thought, you came to the right one for you. :thumbleft:

    3a, some 2c & 3b, medium texture, porosity normal, low elasticity :-(
    washing/cowashing, conditioning, protein tx: curl junkie products
    leave in:cj conditioners and treatments as leave in
    styling: cj aloe fix gel, cj pattern pusha, cj honey butta leave in, cj cccc, cj ciab.
    sealants - jane carter nourish & shine
  • QVCDivaQVCDiva Posts: 1,329Registered Users
    I'm glad things worked out for you. Based on how you sounded at the beginning of this thread, you sound so much happier and seem to be in a much better place.
    Last Relaxer: 09/19/08
    BC: 01/30/09
    Misc: 1st time going natural was '94-'98; 2nd time - '99-2003; This time I will not go back to relaxers.
    /home/leaving?target=http%3A%2F%2Fpublic.fotki.com%2FQVCDiva%2F" class="Popup
  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users
    I'm glad you are happier!
    All the best to you!
    0004.gif

    Ever since the sports thread wars I have sensed a special connection between [edit] & Wile. Like the connection oil has to water. I almost can't speak of it. Wait....my eyes are misting. ~asq
    Let’s just stay together and tell the world to kiss our ass. ~P


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