CurlTalk

ADULT - Intimacy without sex

littlemisscurlylittlemisscurly Posts: 161Registered Users
Hey ladies,

Sorry bit of an adult topic, but I was wondering if you could give me some advice/tips.

My boyfriend is a Christian (I'm still on my journey about faith) and whilst we have previously had sex, he's felt guilty afterwards and he's since decided that he wants out relationship to be intimate on a different level.

However, like a lot of women I have some body issues and the lack of sex or even sleeping next to each other has knocked my confidence a bit. I know it's not a rejection of me and I actually respect his decision but it's hard to separate that in my head.

Does anyone have any suggestions of how I can increase the level of intimacy and romance in our relationship without sex?

TIA
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Comments

  • PixieCurlPixieCurl Posts: 5,656Registered Users
    Being physical in other ways could help, like holding hands in the car or while walking, or snuggling on the couch while watching TV or a movie. Also, continuing to verbally tell each other how attractive you find each other.
    Faith, 3Aish redhead
    Mama to two wild superheroes and a curly-headed baby boy :love5:
  • scrillsscrills Posts: 6,700Registered Users
    There are other forms of intimacy that involve touch but not sex. Have you two had a discussion about where the line is drawn? Are any of the following allowed: kissing, holding hands, hugging, cuddling, spooning, other things too adult to mention (but still not sex)

    Are you supplementing in other ways? Would you prefer more compliments during this time? What about letters? cards? More time together?

    Topics like this seem to draw me back to the book, "the Five Love Languages" ---> touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts. There are other categories that could possibly bring a different type of closeness.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    PixieCurl wrote: »
    Being physical in other ways could help, like holding hands in the car or while walking, or snuggling on the couch while watching TV or a movie. Also, continuing to verbally tell each other how attractive you find each other.

    I see this going on for about 20 minutes and ending in a smash fest! LOL:angel10:

  • PixieCurlPixieCurl Posts: 5,656Registered Users
    PixieCurl wrote: »
    Being physical in other ways could help, like holding hands in the car or while walking, or snuggling on the couch while watching TV or a movie. Also, continuing to verbally tell each other how attractive you find each other.

    I see this going on for about 20 minutes and ending in a smash fest! LOL:angel10:

    :lol:

    But seriously, sometimes when I'm pregnant/postpartum I'm not feeling super-sexual... but I still make a point to let my husband know I find him attractive. Like if he looks sharp in a suit, or after a haircut, or after the gym, I'll say something like "You sure look handsome when [blank]" with a wink.
    Faith, 3Aish redhead
    Mama to two wild superheroes and a curly-headed baby boy :love5:
  • littlemisscurlylittlemisscurly Posts: 161Registered Users
    PixieCurl wrote: »
    Being physical in other ways could help, like holding hands in the car or while walking, or snuggling on the couch while watching TV or a movie. Also, continuing to verbally tell each other how attractive you find each other.

    I see this going on for about 20 minutes and ending in a smash fest! LOL:angel10:

    Ha ha, well I think we both realise that that probably will happen on occasion but we need to not make it a habit.

    How do I say to him that I need him to tell me he finds me attractive?

    I also want to think of some ways I can show him I care that he would appreciate as I worry I only do things that I know I would appreciate if he did for me.

    Think I might buy that book.

    x
    3A hair, very boring brown colour, just over shoulders (aiming for BSL)
    Photo Password: password
  • GuardianBGuardianB Posts: 1,818Registered Users
    Physical - footrubs, massage, shampoos, spooning whilst watching tv

    Mental - writing stories together alternating turns, being involved in each others hobbies,

    Emotional - reading to one another in soft lighting, long walks together, camping trips, post it notes like candy hearts (thinking of you, missing you, kisses and hugs, etc)

    Since sex can often be considered the most "adult" or "progressed" form of intimacy think about what you could be doing if you were 12 years old and innocent. I'm not saying be a child or immature but keeping an innocent feeling to your physical intimacy and if you are able to without crossing your moral lines... crank up the mental side (talking and writing about intimate fantasy). Not sure where or what your religious values start here but you 2 can figure that out.
    ~Two friends, one soul inspired~ anonymous
  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    I'm not sure what the point is... you've already had sex and can see that it might still happen once in a while but don't want to make a habit of it? What difference does it make how often it happens? IF you (gy) think premarital sex is wrong, it's wrong whether you have it 1 or 100 times. And once you've had it, you can't un-have it by never having it again. I think once you've had it (consensually) it is also very difficult to stay in a relationship with that person, still care for them, and not have it again. It's going to be hard to start down the road of physical intimacy and then stop earlier than you did before.

    I think if your intention is to be celibate, you have to commit to it and not try to push the boundaries by doing as much as you can before it becomes sex. You also both have to believe in and commit to it. Honestly, it sounds like the two of you are just in really different places regarding this and I don't see how it can work.

    The fact that you need sex to make you comfortable with your body, even when you know someone has their own issues with that, is something you should work on yourself and not expect someone else to, though it's nice if they do.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users
    Amneris wrote: »
    I'm not sure what the point is... you've already had sex and can see that it might still happen once in a while but don't want to make a habit of it? What difference does it make how often it happens? IF you (gy) think premarital sex is wrong, it's wrong whether you have it 1 or 100 times. And once you've had it, you can't un-have it by never having it again. I think once you've had it (consensually) it is also very difficult to stay in a relationship with that person, still care for them, and not have it again. It's going to be hard to start down the road of physical intimacy and then stop earlier than you did before.

    I think if your intention is to be celibate, you have to commit to it and not try to push the boundaries by doing as much as you can before it becomes sex. You also both have to believe in and commit to it. Honestly, it sounds like the two of you are just in really different places regarding this and I don't see how it can work.

    The fact that you need sex to make you comfortable with your body, even when you know someone has their own issues with that, is something you should work on yourself and not expect someone else to, though it's nice if they do.


    I agree with this. I don't see the point of becoming celibate in a relationship that was already sexual. You can't unring a bell. You are both in different places...and, frankly, if my partner suddenly decided to become celibate, it wouldn't go over well with me.
  • ninja dogninja dog Posts: 23,780Registered Users
    Amneris wrote: »
    I'm not sure what the point is... you've already had sex and can see that it might still happen once in a while but don't want to make a habit of it? What difference does it make how often it happens? IF you (gy) think premarital sex is wrong, it's wrong whether you have it 1 or 100 times. And once you've had it, you can't un-have it by never having it again. I think once you've had it (consensually) it is also very difficult to stay in a relationship with that person, still care for them, and not have it again. It's going to be hard to start down the road of physical intimacy and then stop earlier than you did before.

    I think if your intention is to be celibate, you have to commit to it and not try to push the boundaries by doing as much as you can before it becomes sex. You also both have to believe in and commit to it. Honestly, it sounds like the two of you are just in really different places regarding this and I don't see how it can work.

    The fact that you need sex to make you comfortable with your body, even when you know someone has their own issues with that, is something you should work on yourself and not expect someone else to, though it's nice if they do.


    I agree with this. I don't see the point of becoming celibate in a relationship that was already sexual. You can't unring a bell. You are both in different places...and, frankly, if my partner suddenly decided to become celibate, it wouldn't go over well with me.

    Guano (sort of):

    What does the Salvation Army gal in "Guys and Dolls" sing when she goes wild?

    "If I were a bell, I'd go ding dong ding dong ding!"

    End Guano (utterly)
  • scrillsscrills Posts: 6,700Registered Users
    True, it can't undone, but that doesn't mean you can't stop. A lot of couple decide to be celibate (especially before the marriage).

    I do agree with the point about 1) the body image 2) not being on the same page.


    Question: was this a decision that the two of you made together? How do you feel about thise choice?
  • Hakim NuraldinHakim Nuraldin Posts: 1,467Registered Users
    ninja dog wrote: »
    Amneris wrote: »
    I'm not sure what the point is... you've already had sex and can see that it might still happen once in a while but don't want to make a habit of it? What difference does it make how often it happens? IF you (gy) think premarital sex is wrong, it's wrong whether you have it 1 or 100 times. And once you've had it, you can't un-have it by never having it again. I think once you've had it (consensually) it is also very difficult to stay in a relationship with that person, still care for them, and not have it again. It's going to be hard to start down the road of physical intimacy and then stop earlier than you did before.

    I think if your intention is to be celibate, you have to commit to it and not try to push the boundaries by doing as much as you can before it becomes sex. You also both have to believe in and commit to it. Honestly, it sounds like the two of you are just in really different places regarding this and I don't see how it can work.

    The fact that you need sex to make you comfortable with your body, even when you know someone has their own issues with that, is something you should work on yourself and not expect someone else to, though it's nice if they do.


    I agree with this. I don't see the point of becoming celibate in a relationship that was already sexual. You can't unring a bell. You are both in different places...and, frankly, if my partner suddenly decided to become celibate, it wouldn't go over well with me.

    Guano (sort of):

    What does the Salvation Army gal in "Guys and Dolls" sing when she goes wild?

    "If I were a bell, I'd go ding dong ding dong ding!"

    End Guano (utterly)



    Don't kno why, but this here had me laughiiiiing. LMAO!
  • littlemisscurlylittlemisscurly Posts: 161Registered Users
    Well we've talked about it since the beginning and how hard we both find it to not be physically intimate but it matters to him, to his faith that we are and I feel like I should respect that just like I would expect him to if our roles were reversed.
    3A hair, very boring brown colour, just over shoulders (aiming for BSL)
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  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users
    Well we've talked about it since the beginning and how hard we both find it to not be physically intimate but it matters to him, to his faith that we are and I feel like I should respect that just like I would expect him to if our roles were reversed.


    Then I suggest some serious communication is in order. You need to just tell him the way you feel and what you need specifically.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I don't think the point is wanting to "undo" the sex that's already happened but to try to be more disciplined in the future.

    But I just wonder what your (OP) motivation will be to continue to abstain? Your bf's motivation is his religious belief that it's morally wrong. But, other than wanting to please your bf, what reason do you have to fall back on?

    I definitely would not discourage you from trying, tho.

    With regards to "increasing the level of intimacy," my take is different. All I think the massages and cuddling and spooning and hand holding will do is get you all hot and bothered. I think it would be better to spend more time as part of a group and in structured activities away from the house, if your goal is to abstain. Maybe join a gym together and work out...it might help w/ your body image issues, too. Maybe join a bowling league or volunteer for something on a regular basis, become active in a church group or something. Accomplishing things together can bring you closer and increae the level of respect you have for each other.

    edit - OK, I see you've already said your motivation for doing this is to please your bf and show respect for his religious beliefs.

  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    With regards to "increasing the level of intimacy," my take is different.All I think the massages and cuddling and spooning and hand holding will do is get you all hot and bothered. I think it would be better to spend more time as part of a group and in structured activities away from the house, if your goal is to abstain. Maybe join a gym together and work out...it might help w/ your body image issues, too. Maybe join a bowling league or volunteer for something on a regular basis, become active in a church group or something. Accomplishing things together can bring you closer and increae the level of respect you have for each other.

    I agree with this.
  • PixieCurlPixieCurl Posts: 5,656Registered Users
    I don't think the point is wanting to "undo" the sex that's already happened but to try to be more disciplined in the future.

    I agree. We've all done things that didn't necessarily go along with our morals, but it doesn't mean that we throw caution to the wind and keep doing them because "I did it once so why stop now..." Especially if boyfriend is feeling guilty/ashamed for not resisting temptation, I can see why he would want to avoid feeling that way in the future.

    And while I agree that the OP should make sure she's comfortable with abstaining, I can definitely respect that she's willing to do so because she loves her boyfriend and respects his feelings. If the roles were reversed and she were posting here that she wanted to abstain and her boyfriend didn't want to, many posters would be calling her BF names and saying that he's not worth her time anyway and that the right guy would be willing to wait.
    Faith, 3Aish redhead
    Mama to two wild superheroes and a curly-headed baby boy :love5:
  • luvmylocsluvmylocs Posts: 7,578Registered Users
    is this someone you would consider marrying? have y'all discussed marriage?

    i have a friend that had had sex with this guy she was dating (not daily but maybe weekly, they lived separately and had jobs, etc). well they got engaged, decided to live together to save money (as roommates), decided not to have sex for religious reasons. they lived together while engaged for a year and only had sex once. she initiated. there was guilt (or maybe lack of interest) on his part. they got married. recently they hit over a year of NOT having sex and they are married. it was sporadic at best even after they got married. now it's non-existant (for over a year). lots of hurtful things have been said in both directions but this is by far the biggest source of their marital discord. divorce is being discussed!!

    i shared that to tell you to really consider whether the going without sex is possibly a sign of a deeper issue. i don't know how old you are. if you're a teen maybe it's a non-issue but if you're in your 20's or 30's you need to really think about this. if nothing else you two might just not be compatible in an important area (sexual compatibility). i'm a christian too and i really want to not have sex but i'm a very sexual person and knowing my friends story makes me very leery of a man that can be with me and decides not to have sex with me. if you don't want to have sex because of it being a sin, put a right on it and let's do it!!!

    just my two cents...
    a dreamy pisces :fish:
    please recycle, it matters...
    i change lives...through fitness
    i'm more relaxed being natural
  • scrillsscrills Posts: 6,700Registered Users
    luvmylocs wrote: »
    is this someone you would consider marrying? have y'all discussed marriage?

    i have a friend that had had sex with this guy she was dating (not daily but maybe weekly, they lived separately and had jobs, etc). well they got engaged, decided to live together to save money (as roommates), decided not to have sex for religious reasons. they lived together while engaged for a year and only had sex once. she initiated. there was guilt (or maybe lack of interest) on his part. they got married. recently they hit over a year of NOT having sex and they are married. it was sporadic at best even after they got married. now it's non-existant (for over a year). lots of hurtful things have been said in both directions but this is by far the biggest source of their marital discord. divorce is being discussed!!

    i shared that to tell you to really consider whether the going without sex is possibly a sign of a deeper issue. i don't know how old you are. if you're a teen maybe it's a non-issue but if you're in your 20's or 30's you need to really think about this. if nothing else you two might just not be compatible in an important area (sexual compatibility). i'm a christian too and i really want to not have sex but i'm a very sexual person and knowing my friends story makes me very leery of a man that can be with me and decides not to have sex with me. if you don't want to have sex because of it being a sin, put a right on it and let's do it!!!

    just my two cents...

    uh, this story sounds familiar. I feel like I know the guy in this couple :confused2: which brings me to this point..

    this is something you have to be very careful with. In order to do this, you almost have to "train" yourself to not be physically attractive to your mate. The longer you do this, the longer it can take to "unlearn" this.
  • luvmylocsluvmylocs Posts: 7,578Registered Users
    scrills wrote: »
    uh, this story sounds familiar. I feel like I know the guy in this couple :confused2: which brings me to this point..

    this is something you have to be very careful with. In order to do this, you almost have to "train" yourself to not be physically attractive to your mate. The longer you do this, the longer it can take to "unlearn" this.

    girl i hope you don't really know them in real life :-(

    i TOTALLY agree with the bolded. i think when you live as roommates or friends or whatever and there's a lot of "innocence" in the relationship i think it can be VERY hard to turn back on the lusty feelings that are an important glue in healthy, adult relationships/marriages.

    again, not trying to scare you but before you go off thinking about ways to make this work be honest with yourself about (1) do you WANT to make this work and (2) is religion the only reason for your bf's change in sexual attitudes.
    a dreamy pisces :fish:
    please recycle, it matters...
    i change lives...through fitness
    i'm more relaxed being natural
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users
    scrills wrote: »
    luvmylocs wrote: »
    is this someone you would consider marrying? have y'all discussed marriage?

    i have a friend that had had sex with this guy she was dating (not daily but maybe weekly, they lived separately and had jobs, etc). well they got engaged, decided to live together to save money (as roommates), decided not to have sex for religious reasons. they lived together while engaged for a year and only had sex once. she initiated. there was guilt (or maybe lack of interest) on his part. they got married. recently they hit over a year of NOT having sex and they are married. it was sporadic at best even after they got married. now it's non-existant (for over a year). lots of hurtful things have been said in both directions but this is by far the biggest source of their marital discord. divorce is being discussed!!

    i shared that to tell you to really consider whether the going without sex is possibly a sign of a deeper issue. i don't know how old you are. if you're a teen maybe it's a non-issue but if you're in your 20's or 30's you need to really think about this. if nothing else you two might just not be compatible in an important area (sexual compatibility). i'm a christian too and i really want to not have sex but i'm a very sexual person and knowing my friends story makes me very leery of a man that can be with me and decides not to have sex with me. if you don't want to have sex because of it being a sin, put a right on it and let's do it!!!

    just my two cents...

    uh, this story sounds familiar. I feel like I know the guy in this couple :confused2: which brings me to this point..

    this is something you have to be very careful with. In order to do this, you almost have to "train" yourself to not be physically attractive to your mate. The longer you do this, the longer it can take to "unlearn" this.


    I've known couples like this as well, who were shocked to discover once married that they didn't get along in the bedroom, after years of not having sex before marriage. It's one of the reasons why I feel pre-marital sex is important...so you can assess sexual compatibility. I don't think human lovers were meant to spend years together not having sex. Religious "courting" couples tend to get married sooner rather than later for that very reason. A man who could just turn it off and abstain would raise red flags for me.
  • hippychichippychic Posts: 4,673Registered Users
    A friend of mine was in a similar situation. A very active sex life suddenly put on ice for 'religious reasons'. Got married, still no sex. Come to find out, he was on the DL.

    @OP, why continue to let temptation stare you in the face by sleeping next to him? It's very difficult to resist once you've already sampled. If you want to have a non-sexual relationship, it should be mutual or one of the persons is gonna feel rejected.
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  • luvmylocsluvmylocs Posts: 7,578Registered Users
    Religious "courting" couples tend to get married sooner rather than later for that very reason. A man who could just turn it off and abstain would raise red flags for me.

    bingo!! like within months! i've known couples like this too and they are still married and happy and have kids (the old fashion way) so in these cases i really do believe they wanted to try to do it the "right" way...so like i said, they put a ring on it and got married....
    hippychic wrote: »
    A friend of mine was in a similar situation. A very active sex life suddenly put on ice for 'religious reasons'. Got married, still no sex. Come to find out, he was on the DL.

    yeah, we've all wondered if he likes boys, maybe he's not even aware fully but how can he like his wife and not have sex for over a year!! like someone said in another thread...sex is VERY natural. we all have different appetites but NO appetite...come the hell on!
    a dreamy pisces :fish:
    please recycle, it matters...
    i change lives...through fitness
    i'm more relaxed being natural
  • AlexjoujouAlexjoujou Posts: 2,364Registered Users
    I agree with many of these posts. I can understand, for a religious reason, not wanting to have premarital sex. And if you had *never* had it I could go along with it.

    However you did and what is done is done. I myself think it would be very hard to go back now. Especially if you think it may happen again if you can't control the urge. That just seems like a major guilt recipe to me. It can't be healthy from my POV. If you give in one time are you going to go around feeling guilty? Not healthy at all.

    If you are in a serious committed relationship then you need to think about where the next step is--because I agree that training yourself to "turn it off" due to his religious issues may leave you, bluntly, very frustrated. That could lead to all sorts of things. Add that to the fact you feel validated as a woman about your body and in other areas by the intimacy sex provides. No matter how many times he tells you if you feel the need for intimacy to validate--well again the word disaster comes to mind.

    However, the deeper issue for me is actually the religious thing--if you don't share his fervor or dedication that's a recipe for heartache. At this point it doesn't appear from your original post that you are in the same place he is. I speak from experience when I say these issues can be critical to the success of any relationship.

    I've had friends in situations similar to some people have mentioned above.

    It does indeed seem you two are really not in the same head space. I get the respect issue you have for him but I would worry that alone will not sustain you. I agree further intimacy of a physical nature seems like it would lead to the guilty sex again.

    I'm not saying this would happen to you but just trying to illustrate a point that if you are both not doing something in complete consensus based on your own belief's meshing then it can go south in a bad way...and it may be hard to get things back on track.

    JMHO
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  • mrspoppersmrspoppers Posts: 7,223Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    scrills wrote: »
    luvmylocs wrote: »
    is this someone you would consider marrying? have y'all discussed marriage?

    i have a friend that had had sex with this guy she was dating (not daily but maybe weekly, they lived separately and had jobs, etc). well they got engaged, decided to live together to save money (as roommates), decided not to have sex for religious reasons. they lived together while engaged for a year and only had sex once. she initiated. there was guilt (or maybe lack of interest) on his part. they got married. recently they hit over a year of NOT having sex and they are married. it was sporadic at best even after they got married. now it's non-existant (for over a year). lots of hurtful things have been said in both directions but this is by far the biggest source of their marital discord. divorce is being discussed!!

    i shared that to tell you to really consider whether the going without sex is possibly a sign of a deeper issue. i don't know how old you are. if you're a teen maybe it's a non-issue but if you're in your 20's or 30's you need to really think about this. if nothing else you two might just not be compatible in an important area (sexual compatibility). i'm a christian too and i really want to not have sex but i'm a very sexual person and knowing my friends story makes me very leery of a man that can be with me and decides not to have sex with me. if you don't want to have sex because of it being a sin, put a right on it and let's do it!!!

    just my two cents...

    uh, this story sounds familiar. I feel like I know the guy in this couple :confused2: which brings me to this point..

    this is something you have to be very careful with. In order to do this, you almost have to "train" yourself to not be physically attractive to your mate. The longer you do this, the longer it can take to "unlearn" this.


    I've known couples like this as well, who were shocked to discover once married that they didn't get along in the bedroom, after years of not having sex before marriage. It's one of the reasons why I feel pre-marital sex is important...so you can assess sexual compatibility. I don't think human lovers were meant to spend years together not having sex. Religious "courting" couples tend to get married sooner rather than later for that very reason. A man who could just turn it off and abstain would raise red flags for me.
    The bolded is what my mom used to say. She's fairly religious and waited for marriage to have sex but she said most men can't wait forever for sex and if they do, chances are there's something else going on.

    Obviously this isn't true in every case. I know there are people who could pipe up and say how they dated for 5 years and never had sex and now they have a sex life most people only dream about. That being said, I know a lot of people from the other side of the fence--people who were celibate with their BF for years, only to find out later that he was gay, had a low sex drive, or had some other issue.
    When are women going to face the fact that they don’t know their own bodies as well as men who have heard things?

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  • EilonwyEilonwy Posts: 12,389Registered Users
    luvmylocs wrote: »
    We all have different appetites but NO appetite...come the hell on!

    A lot of people have no appetite. There's nothing wrong with that, although having an extremely low sex drive is stigmatized. They just need to avoid stringing along people who do have appetites.
  • scrillsscrills Posts: 6,700Registered Users
    luvmylocs wrote: »
    Religious "courting" couples tend to get married sooner rather than later for that very reason. A man who could just turn it off and abstain would raise red flags for me.

    bingo!! like within months! i've known couples like this too and they are still married and happy and have kids (the old fashion way) so in these cases i really do believe they wanted to try to do it the "right" way...so like i said, they put a ring on it and got married....
    hippychic wrote: »
    A friend of mine was in a similar situation. A very active sex life suddenly put on ice for 'religious reasons'. Got married, still no sex. Come to find out, he was on the DL.

    yeah, we've all wondered if he likes boys, maybe he's not even aware fully but how can he like his wife and not have sex for over a year!! like someone said in another thread...sex is VERY natural. we all have different appetites but NO appetite...come the hell on!

    In this case, he wasn't on the DL, but he did hv someone else
  • luvmylocsluvmylocs Posts: 7,578Registered Users
    Eilonwy wrote: »
    luvmylocs wrote: »
    We all have different appetites but NO appetite...come the hell on!

    A lot of people have no appetite. There's nothing wrong with that, although having an extremely low sex drive is stigmatized. They just need to avoid stringing along people who do have appetites.

    you are right. i didn't mean to sound judgemental but that's why i encourage the original poster to really think about compatibility in this area too...it's as important as any other area.
    a dreamy pisces :fish:
    please recycle, it matters...
    i change lives...through fitness
    i'm more relaxed being natural
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    luvmylocs wrote: »
    Eilonwy wrote: »
    luvmylocs wrote: »
    We all have different appetites but NO appetite...come the hell on!

    A lot of people have no appetite. There's nothing wrong with that, although having an extremely low sex drive is stigmatized. They just need to avoid stringing along people who do have appetites.

    you are right. i didn't mean to sound judgemental but that's why i encourage the original poster to really think about compatibility in this area too...it's as important as any other area.


    But she never said he or she had no appetite, in fact, the opposite and how hard it will be.
  • luvmylocsluvmylocs Posts: 7,578Registered Users
    Josephine wrote: »
    luvmylocs wrote: »
    Eilonwy wrote: »

    A lot of people have no appetite. There's nothing wrong with that, although having an extremely low sex drive is stigmatized. They just need to avoid stringing along people who do have appetites.

    you are right. i didn't mean to sound judgemental but that's why i encourage the original poster to really think about compatibility in this area too...it's as important as any other area.


    But she never said he or she had no appetite, in fact, the opposite and how hard it will be.

    i was talking about the guy....many of us started talking about concerns with the guy being able to stop. that's what my story about my friend was about...the guy (her husband) had no sexual appetite.
    a dreamy pisces :fish:
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  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    PixieCurl wrote: »
    I don't think the point is wanting to "undo" the sex that's already happened but to try to be more disciplined in the future.

    I agree. We've all done things that didn't necessarily go along with our morals, but it doesn't mean that we throw caution to the wind and keep doing them because "I did it once so why stop now..." Especially if boyfriend is feeling guilty/ashamed for not resisting temptation, I can see why he would want to avoid feeling that way in the future.

    And while I agree that the OP should make sure she's comfortable with abstaining, I can definitely respect that she's willing to do so because she loves her boyfriend and respects his feelings. If the roles were reversed and she were posting here that she wanted to abstain and her boyfriend didn't want to, many posters would be calling her BF names and saying that he's not worth her time anyway and that the right guy would be willing to wait.

    I don't think so.

    The issue to me is that the way she presents it, they're on two completely different pages.

    He: feels very guilty about having sex with her and doesn't want to anymore for religious reasons

    She: is going along with that because she cares for him but it makes her feel her body is unattractive - doesn't have the same religious beliefs about sex and says "ha ha, we might still have sex but hopefully not too often."

    To me, both of them have issues they need to work through alone rather than with the person they've been sleeping with. I'd say the same if it were reversed.

    However, if they do stay together, I agree with spidey that they need to keep busy doing things other than physical intimacy of any kind, and definitely no lying down together anywhere even if it starts out not sexual, no "heavy petting"/ making out etc.

    Also, I think these are the situations where people start having oral sex thinking it doesn't "count"...
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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