CurlTalk

I need advice

noelaninoelani Posts: 665Registered Users
The grand ole age of 27 is coming up in a few months. I still live at home with my parents. (I know, yick)

I'm suffocating at home. I need a major change in my life soon before I go crazy. I work 2 part-time jobs. I'm thinking of getting a 3rd to see if I can make enough to move out. But my 2nd job basically revolves around when college is in session. So I don't know what I'd do to supplement that income when it's not coming in.

Everyday I'm sad. Almost everday I'm arguing with my mother. Everday I'm more and more depressed when I see the lives my friends have and I don't have that. I still have to answer to my mother for anything and everything I do. There's all these things I'm not allowed to do and places I'm not allowed to go. For goodness sake if I'm out with my father he still wants to hold my hand when we cross the street. AAAH!!! My mother is suspicious about EVERYTHING which is not much since I'm not allowed to do much. What gives? I've never done drugs, never gotten drunk, have never snuck around with a boyfriend or done something illegal. Goodness gracious. I've lived in the same building all my life. I'm bored with my neighborhood, my routine, my life, everything. I need a major change in my life before I explode.
"When you are not afraid to fall, that's when you fly the highest"


"You shouldnt let random people who dont love you , arent there to help you with a flat tire, or there to fix you soup when your tummy hurts dictate your choices in life."
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Comments

  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,738Registered Users
    Get a roommate and move in together. Soon. Then set boundaries with your mother. She'll probably want to enforce her rules even when you're out of the house, if she's like my mom.
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  • noelaninoelani Posts: 665Registered Users
    Phoenix wrote: »
    Get a roommate and move in together. Soon. Then set boundaries with your mother. She'll probably want to enforce her rules even when you're out of the house, if she's like my mom.

    I've been thinking about this for a while even though the idea of having a roommate is not my favorite. Anyway, how do you go about finding an acceptable roommate? Where would I look?
    "When you are not afraid to fall, that's when you fly the highest"


    "You shouldnt let random people who dont love you , arent there to help you with a flat tire, or there to fix you soup when your tummy hurts dictate your choices in life."
  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,738Registered Users
    Among friends not strangers.
    montage-3.gif No MAS.

    I am the new Black.

    "Hope the Mail are saving space tomorrow for Samantha Brick's reaction piece on the reactions to her piece about the reactions to her piece." ~ Tweet reposted by Rou.
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users
    Get a roommate and rent an apartment. Rent a small "room" somewhere if you don't want to share a residence. I'd do almost anything not to live with my parents at 27.
  • violetsviolets Posts: 1,689Registered Users
    I'm sure that would have been my parents if I had lived with them at that age.

    Get a roommate or rent a room. Look in the paper.
  • shorticurlzshorticurlz Posts: 1,056Registered Users
    By the sound of your post you know what you have to do already but are too afraid to do it.
    Its not that hard. If I can survive moving out of home at 16, then I'm sure you'll find a way at 27.
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  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users
    You def need to get out..g/l
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  • PartyHairPartyHair Posts: 7,713Registered Users
    I'm with everyone else - find a room to rent, or an efficiency apartment, or a roommate.

    My first no-roommate apartment was a tiny little efficiency in a somewhat sketchy part of St. Louis. It was literally one room, with a wall that separated the bathroom. The "kitchen" was a mini bar-sized fridge, a microwave and a single heating element - no oven! BUT. It was mine, all mine, all by myself, and I did love it.
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  • noelaninoelani Posts: 665Registered Users
    mdrb wrote: »
    By the sound of your post you know what you have to do already but are too afraid to do it.
    Its not that hard. If I can survive moving out of home at 16, then I'm sure you'll find a way at 27.

    Yes. I think I'm just nervous because I don't know what I can afford or where and I'm afraid that I'll end up in a hole in the wall in a sketchy part of NY and I don't want that. While I'm not looking for luxury, I want to be in a safe neighborhood. And I'm also nervous about being able to stand up to my parents if they try to hold me back. I want to make sure that if I do this I will be able to stand on my own two feet and not have to move back home at all.
    "When you are not afraid to fall, that's when you fly the highest"


    "You shouldnt let random people who dont love you , arent there to help you with a flat tire, or there to fix you soup when your tummy hurts dictate your choices in life."
  • ruralcurlsruralcurls Posts: 2,574Registered Users
    My first apt was teeny tiny over a garage. I was able to live there for free while I worked for the family as a baby sitter a couple of hours in the morning and a couple of hours in the evening, and sometimes on Sat nights, but not too often.

    I was able to fit in a couple of other jobs as well as go to school. Try to keep an open mind, and maybe something will come along.

    Maybe an extended house sitting position would work out. That would give you the opportunity to save for a little bit.

    I was scared to death to tell my mother I was moving, but it was for the best. She was very controlling, and it was just easier to do what she told me, instead of what I wanted. She still has difficulty believing I can actully make an intelligent decision without her "help".

    Good luck, I really hope you will be able to work something out.
  • curlypearlcurlypearl Posts: 11,970Registered Users Curl Novice
    I understand completely about wanting to live in a safe neighborhood in NY. But I understand rents are down. have you investigated?

    It's not the total end of the world if you move out and then have to move back in - for a while! Unless your parents are the type to rub it in. You will have to make the break sooner or later and 27 certainly sounds like it's time. There are roommate services - I know some women who found that worked out very well for them.

    Draw up a plan with all the steps involved. Then take the first step - even if it's just looking at a college bulletin board to see if anyone is looking for a roommate. Let us know how it goes.
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  • TheSunshineStateTheSunshineState Posts: 152Registered Users
    Definately whateveryone else said about renting.

    But before you make that step, please work out a budget based on some rent prices you find. Work out how much bills would cost and food/gas etc. Then when you have that number, make sure you have at least 2 months worth of that amount saved up before you move out. You need to account for job loss or unforseen expenses. It's a good peace of mind to know you have a couple of months of security while you job hunt etc.
  • curlypearlcurlypearl Posts: 11,970Registered Users Curl Novice
    Definately whateveryone else said about renting.

    But before you make that step, please work out a budget based on some rent prices you find. Work out how much bills would cost and food/gas etc. Then when you have that number, make sure you have at least 2 months worth of that amount saved up before you move out. You need to account for job loss or unforseen expenses. It's a good peace of mind to know you have a couple of months of security while you job hunt etc.

    Excellent advice!
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  • noelaninoelani Posts: 665Registered Users
    Thanks.
    "When you are not afraid to fall, that's when you fly the highest"


    "You shouldnt let random people who dont love you , arent there to help you with a flat tire, or there to fix you soup when your tummy hurts dictate your choices in life."
  • SariaSaria Posts: 15,963Registered Users
    I feel your pain. I'm turning 25 in a couple of months and am finally moving out! I'm a New Yorker, too, so I know how hard it is to find an affordable place. Plus having a kitchen is vital to me, so I knew if I moved out I had to have one and just couldn't do without. So, no matter how much people tried to tell me to go for a studio or a single room, I couldn't accept that. I also did not want a roommate. I wanted a place of my own, or to move in with a friend. Thankfully my friend found himself needing to move out and I am finally able to do so as well! Having dealt with roommates I didn't know while I attended school, I was not about go through that again. So, I definitely agree on having a friend as your roommate instead of a stranger.

    With my student loan debt and my fairly low-paying career, it has taken me a while.
    It can feel like you're just never going to get out, but just remind yourself that there are legitimate reasons why you haven't been able to. I think American culture is so behind the idea that people must move out as soon as possible that it doesn't take into account that sometimes it's not a very realistic idea. Times have changed and finances don't always make this possible, at least not in places like New York.
    The important thing is to know that you're moving towards something, a goal, even if at times it feels like you're stuck. As I said, I know how depressing it can be, as I wondered if I'd ever get out. But I think you're well-prepared and will get out of your rut no problem.

    I haven't even moved out and already I feel my relationship with my mother has improved (absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that). I expect the same will happen for you.
    I wish you luck in finding something and hope you feel better about your life soon. :)
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  • Who Me?Who Me? Posts: 3,181Registered Users
    Saria wrote: »
    I feel your pain. I'm turning 25 in a couple of months and am finally moving out! I'm a New Yorker, too, so I know how hard it is to find an affordable place. Plus having a kitchen is vital to me, so I knew if I moved out I had to have one and just couldn't do without. So, no matter how much people tried to tell me to go for a studio or a single room, I couldn't accept that. I also did not want a roommate. I wanted a place of my own, or to move in with a friend. Thankfully my friend found himself needing to move out and I am finally able to do so as well! Having dealt with roommates I didn't know while I attended school, I was not about go through that again. So, I definitely agree on having a friend as your roommate instead of a stranger.

    With my student loan debt and my fairly low-paying career, it has taken me a while.
    It can feel like you're just never going to get out, but just remind yourself that there are legitimate reasons why you haven't been able to. I think American culture is so behind the idea that people must move out as soon as possible that it doesn't take into account that sometimes it's not a very realistic idea. Times have changed and finances don't always make this possible, at least not in places like New York.
    The important thing is to know that you're moving towards something, a goal, even if at times it feels like you're stuck. As I said, I know how depressing it can be, as I wondered if I'd ever get out. But I think you're well-prepared and will get out of your rut no problem.

    I haven't even moved out and already I feel my relationship with my mother has improved (absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that). I expect the same will happen for you.
    I wish you luck in finding something and hope you feel better about your life soon. :)

    To the first bolded: everything in life is a choice. If you want to move out of your parents' house bad enough, you make that choice. You do without. Your situation at home obviously wasn't that bad, or you would have sacrificed a kitchen and/or gotten a roommate. I don't agree with people saying they "can't afford to move out" when they really mean "they can't afford to move into a nice one-bedroom in an upscale neighborhood".

    To the second bolded: I think what's "not a realistic idea" is the sense of entitlement many people in our generation (I'm 28) have. It's like we feel entitled to a great job, and a nice full-ammenity apartment the day we graduate college. That's what's not realistic! But moving out, even into a little shoebox in a basement with no kitchen and 2 roommates IS realistic, and it counts as moving out on your own.
    "I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" -BART SIMPSON
  • burgundy_locksburgundy_locks Posts: 2,420Registered Users
    as annoying as the thought of a roomate is (possibly a third roomate as well), think about how LESS annoying it will be in comparison to ur mom!! we all love our parents, but enough is enough! if i were living at home, my life would also be this way.

    let people know you are looking for an apt and look online. while i was desperately trying to move out, i went on craigslist and looked at some apts. i also went on apartmentguide.com to look at options as well. i know friends who have gotten GREAT apts in the lower east side for INCREDIBLE prices!! someone who knew someone who was leaving the city and wanted to sublease. stories like that DO EXIST!!! Seriously, if you have FB, put a status message saying looking for a roomate. maybe an acquaintance is also thinking about moving out, and not sure how it will work and reading ur message might give them that push. u dont have to be BFFs with ur roomates. u really just want someone responsible, with a job, hopefully not too much of a slob, and hopefully with some furniture!!! u can do it!

    g/l!
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  • MunchyMunchy Posts: 5,206Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I'm 27 and living back with my parents post-divorce. I have gotten no child support (he doesn't work) and I spend near $800/month on daycare. I WISH I could move in with roommates, but it's hard to find someone who wants a life with kids (if they don't have them) and I don't know anyone who has kids and similar parenting style as I do that needs to room.
    My life with my parents isn't bad, but as soon as daycare costs are no longer an issue, I will purchase a place. It's all temporary. That's my mantra.
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    Who Me? wrote: »
    Saria wrote: »
    I feel your pain. I'm turning 25 in a couple of months and am finally moving out! I'm a New Yorker, too, so I know how hard it is to find an affordable place. Plus having a kitchen is vital to me, so I knew if I moved out I had to have one and just couldn't do without. So, no matter how much people tried to tell me to go for a studio or a single room, I couldn't accept that. I also did not want a roommate. I wanted a place of my own, or to move in with a friend. Thankfully my friend found himself needing to move out and I am finally able to do so as well! Having dealt with roommates I didn't know while I attended school, I was not about go through that again. So, I definitely agree on having a friend as your roommate instead of a stranger.

    With my student loan debt and my fairly low-paying career, it has taken me a while.
    It can feel like you're just never going to get out, but just remind yourself that there are legitimate reasons why you haven't been able to. I think American culture is so behind the idea that people must move out as soon as possible that it doesn't take into account that sometimes it's not a very realistic idea. Times have changed and finances don't always make this possible, at least not in places like New York.
    The important thing is to know that you're moving towards something, a goal, even if at times it feels like you're stuck. As I said, I know how depressing it can be, as I wondered if I'd ever get out. But I think you're well-prepared and will get out of your rut no problem.

    I haven't even moved out and already I feel my relationship with my mother has improved (absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that). I expect the same will happen for you.
    I wish you luck in finding something and hope you feel better about your life soon. :)

    To the first bolded: everything in life is a choice. If you want to move out of your parents' house bad enough, you make that choice. You do without. Your situation at home obviously wasn't that bad, or you would have sacrificed a kitchen and/or gotten a roommate. I don't agree with people saying they "can't afford to move out" when they really mean "they can't afford to move into a nice one-bedroom in an upscale neighborhood".

    To the second bolded: I think what's "not a realistic idea" is the sense of entitlement many people in our generation (I'm 28) have. It's like we feel entitled to a great job, and a nice full-ammenity apartment the day we graduate college. That's what's not realistic! But moving out, even into a little shoebox in a basement with no kitchen and 2 roommates IS realistic, and it counts as moving out on your own.

    I agree with this. If my parents were placing restrictions on me like that, I'd rather live with a stranger as a roommate. I've never known my roommates in college before moving in. Sometimes it sucks but they don't tell you what to do or restrict you and that's worth it. Can you find roommates through your school? There should be a newsgroup or ads for people looking for roomates. There are also roommate finding websites that match people of similar interests.
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users
    Who Me? wrote: »
    Saria wrote: »
    I feel your pain. I'm turning 25 in a couple of months and am finally moving out! I'm a New Yorker, too, so I know how hard it is to find an affordable place. Plus having a kitchen is vital to me, so I knew if I moved out I had to have one and just couldn't do without. So, no matter how much people tried to tell me to go for a studio or a single room, I couldn't accept that. I also did not want a roommate. I wanted a place of my own, or to move in with a friend. Thankfully my friend found himself needing to move out and I am finally able to do so as well! Having dealt with roommates I didn't know while I attended school, I was not about go through that again. So, I definitely agree on having a friend as your roommate instead of a stranger.

    With my student loan debt and my fairly low-paying career, it has taken me a while.
    It can feel like you're just never going to get out, but just remind yourself that there are legitimate reasons why you haven't been able to. I think American culture is so behind the idea that people must move out as soon as possible that it doesn't take into account that sometimes it's not a very realistic idea. Times have changed and finances don't always make this possible, at least not in places like New York.
    The important thing is to know that you're moving towards something, a goal, even if at times it feels like you're stuck. As I said, I know how depressing it can be, as I wondered if I'd ever get out. But I think you're well-prepared and will get out of your rut no problem.

    I haven't even moved out and already I feel my relationship with my mother has improved (absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that). I expect the same will happen for you.
    I wish you luck in finding something and hope you feel better about your life soon. :)

    To the first bolded: everything in life is a choice. If you want to move out of your parents' house bad enough, you make that choice. You do without. Your situation at home obviously wasn't that bad, or you would have sacrificed a kitchen and/or gotten a roommate. I don't agree with people saying they "can't afford to move out" when they really mean "they can't afford to move into a nice one-bedroom in an upscale neighborhood".

    To the second bolded: I think what's "not a realistic idea" is the sense of entitlement many people in our generation (I'm 28) have. It's like we feel entitled to a great job, and a nice full-ammenity apartment the day we graduate college. That's what's not realistic! But moving out, even into a little shoebox in a basement with no kitchen and 2 roommates IS realistic, and it counts as moving out on your own.



    This is true.

    It's always been difficult to get an adult life going, and always will be, so the "times" or "economy" argument is just BS. If you want something bad enough, you can do it. You might have to give up something...comfy central air conditioning, flat-screen TV, big gourmet kitchen...but you really don't need all that to live an independent life.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    If you really and truly cannot swing college tuition plus rent in a decent neighborhood, can't you just change the arrangement you have with your parents? You are an adult! Why can't you negotiate some freedoms? I can understand that they would not want you throwing raves and wild orgies in their house. But surely there is a middle ground between that and how you are living now.

    (Of course, I agree w/ everyone else -- the best option is for you to move out ASAP.)

  • PixieCurlPixieCurl Posts: 5,656Registered Users
    I agree with Who Me? and RCW. I don't think people HAVE to move out of their parents' house as young as possible, but if they're miserable there then they need to make sacrifices and concessions. I lived with my parents for about 6 months after college but it was great - I treated them with respect and they treated me like an adult. Had it been awful, I would have made sacrifices to move out sooner - not just complained about it.
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  • hmkennyhmkenny Posts: 1,409Registered Users Curl Novice
    It does suck being at home when you are ready to move out. I was lucky in that when I was ready to go, I had the means to do it.

    Start socking away your money and consider what's most important to you. When you do make the move, it might not be your ultimate dream home or living situation, but it could be a stepping stone to your next home. Maybe you don't want a room mate, but based on your priorities and your means you'd be willing to go the room mate route temporarily until you can afford a place of your own. You just have to take the time to really think it through and decide what you can afford and what you can handle at this point in your life, and honestly, if you can find it in your heart to work things out with your mom - come to some kind of understanding with her. Living at home awhile longer is still an option for you.

    When I was in my first apartment, my friend and neighbor spotted an ad for a room mate. It sounded like a great deal so we went and had a look, just for fun. It was a beautiful home, nicely furnished and the other room mates were five hunky firemen. I was a single mom at the time or else I would've given it serious consideration. So, keep your eyes and mind open to the possibilities.
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  • Jenny CJenny C Posts: 1,195Registered Users
    One thing to consider is that if you can find someone who has an apt already and is looking for a roommate, you'll probably only need bedroom furniture. Most likely the person already living there has a sofa, table, etc.

    I agree with the others that you make sacrifices if you want to move out. My first apt was a 5th floor walk up and I had two roommates - and the sense of freedom I felt was great. It actually never occurred to me to live at home until I could afford my dream apt - I thought everybody knew their first apt was supposed to be less than ideal.
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  • SariaSaria Posts: 15,963Registered Users
    Point one:
    Seeing as how work involves cooking the same things on a daily basis, which I may love cooking, but are still things I have to make all the time, it is that important to me to be able to do what I love for the simple love of it, not as a way to earn my paycheck. So no, a place without a kitchen will never be a realistic opition. That does not mean I was expecting my dream apartment.
    And again, if you'd had the experiences that I had with strangers as roommates, you wouldn't put yourself through that again.

    Secondly, next time you or anyone wants to make an assumption about my supposed sense of entitlement, perhaps you should know what you're talking about first. I posted in another thread how if I tallied up my monthly loan payments (about $500) with rent (NYC) and utilities, without even accounting for other expenses, I would not have been able to afford anything for a while. Even now that I earn more assuming I were doing it on my own, I'd basically have nothing left over.
    I doubt very much that your chosen field pays as little out of the gate as mine does, so please keep your uninformed assumptions to yourself. And if you wan to get an idea, go to craigslist and see how much a lot of people are offering for experienced (not new) cooks.
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  • PixieCurlPixieCurl Posts: 5,656Registered Users
    Saria, I think her point was more that IF living with your parents was so bad, you'd be willing to live without a kitchen for a while, or with a roommate. Extreme example, but if your dad was beating you or something equally awful, I'm sure you'd rather live ANYWHERE but with them.

    On a side note, it seems a lot of NYC area curlies are feeling stuck because of the high rents. Have any of you considered moving to a lower cost-of-living area?
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  • noelaninoelani Posts: 665Registered Users
    I guess I worded my post wrong because a few of you think I am in college. I am not in college. I've already graduated college. My 2nd job is working with a college professor and so when she's not teaching, like summers and winter break there is no work for me so I don't have that money coming in.
    "When you are not afraid to fall, that's when you fly the highest"


    "You shouldnt let random people who dont love you , arent there to help you with a flat tire, or there to fix you soup when your tummy hurts dictate your choices in life."
  • noelaninoelani Posts: 665Registered Users
    PixieCurl wrote: »
    On a side note, it seems a lot of NYC area curlies are feeling stuck because of the high rents. Have any of you considered moving to a lower cost-of-living area?

    I don't drive so I'd have to live somewhere where there is public transportation close by. I have been looking into some areas of Jersey that have transportation.
    "When you are not afraid to fall, that's when you fly the highest"


    "You shouldnt let random people who dont love you , arent there to help you with a flat tire, or there to fix you soup when your tummy hurts dictate your choices in life."
  • noelaninoelani Posts: 665Registered Users
    i know friends who have gotten GREAT apts in the lower east side for INCREDIBLE prices!!

    g/l!

    For around how much?
    "When you are not afraid to fall, that's when you fly the highest"


    "You shouldnt let random people who dont love you , arent there to help you with a flat tire, or there to fix you soup when your tummy hurts dictate your choices in life."
  • SariaSaria Posts: 15,963Registered Users
    PixieCurl wrote: »
    Saria, I think her point was more that IF living with your parents was so bad, you'd be willing to live without a kitchen for a while, or with a roommate. Extreme example, but if your dad was beating you or something equally awful, I'm sure you'd rather live ANYWHERE but with them.

    On a side note, it seems a lot of NYC area curlies are feeling stuck because of the high rents. Have any of you considered moving to a lower cost-of-living area?

    I suppose, but that is not the case the OP is making. And I simply believe it is outdated and out of touch to assume people should be able to move out at 18 or even straight out of school. It's also insensitive to assume that if you (GY) are not exactly well off, that there can't be people who are even lower on the income bracket than you who cannot live in what you might still consider modest conditions.
    Or to assume that somehow those who realize that moving just anywhere, in any conditions, might lead to more unhappiness, and decide to wait are entitled dreamers who want everything without paying dues.
    Yeah, I must have thought I'd be making tons of money on the food network when I picked my career.

    As for moving away, I looked into it a couple of times, and Vermont seemed a good option as it was much cheaper and a friend's friend is a chef who could teach me quite a bit. However, moving away leads to many considerations, among them something as simple as transportation. I've used public transportation my whole life and I know a place like Vermont wouldn't be the same. Not to mention that while I was in school and lived off-campus, I got to witness the cost of heating (included in NYC rents) in another state. It was insanely high and would have driven my rent up quite a bit. That's assuming I would have gotten paid as much as I currently make. Plus NY has tons of foodservice jobs should I find myself unemployed.
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