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pulchri2dinouspulchri2dinous Posts: 1,014Registered Users
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"When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals, adjust the action steps." - Confucius
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  • PartyHairPartyHair Posts: 7,713Registered Users
    Why would you even think about telling her she's crazy? So she doesn't want to have a kid herself, but wants to adopt. I don't see what's so awful or crazy about that.

    Why don't you support her in whatever she decides?
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  • pulchri2dinouspulchri2dinous Posts: 1,014Registered Users
    PartyHair wrote: »
    Why would you even think about telling her she's crazy? So she doesn't want to have a kid herself, but wants to adopt. I don't see what's so awful or crazy about that.

    Why don't you support her in whatever she decides?

    I'm not saying I'm telling her anything, I just want to know how you all would react to that situation. I will edit my post.
    4, fine, low-medium density, low porosity


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    "When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals, adjust the action steps." - Confucius
  • cakj99cakj99 Posts: 575Registered Users
    i think it's pretty wonderful when anyone who is willing and able to provide a happy, loving home to a child who needs one wants to adopt.
  • TrenellTrenell Posts: 3,562Registered Users
    I'm nosey. What's trait.
  • PartyHairPartyHair Posts: 7,713Registered Users
    *LC* wrote: »
    i think it's pretty wonderful when anyone who is willing and able to provide a happy, loving home to a child who needs one wants to adopt.

    This.

    And "I don't want to have a biological child but I want to adopt" ARE legitimate reasons not to have a biological child and to adopt a child.

    I guess I don't understand your confusion about this. To me, she's made it clear why she doesn't want a biological child. I don't know why you are having a hard time understanding it.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Rock on with your bad self.

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  • legendslegends Posts: 3,073Registered Users
    I think it's perfectly fine to not want a biological child and to prefer to adopt, but from what you posted I get the feeling that she wants a biological child but fears passing on this trait. If this trait is a purely superficial one and not a health/developmental issue then I might be concerned. But I still wouldn't say anything. It's none of my business, it's nothing that's risking her life, and I'm not her therapist.

    Seriously, what's the trait?
    Eres o te haces?
  • roseannadanaroseannadana Posts: 5,632Registered Users
    I would say your friend has a good head on her shoulders and she'll make a wonderful, responsible parent. More power to her.

    I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users
    I'm nosey too...what's the trait she doesn't want to pass on?

    I have no problem with people who don't want to reproduce. I think whether or not to have children, whether or not to adopt children, are all very personal decisions, and only the involved parties should be making those decisions.
  • KaywhykayKaywhykay Posts: 191Registered Users
    Wondering about that "trait" as well. Is it a 'funny' shaped nose? Big teeth? Tiny teeth? Skin color? Or maybe something like depression or Bipolar?
    aka Kay3B
  • pulchri2dinouspulchri2dinous Posts: 1,014Registered Users
    It's a lazy eye
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    "When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals, adjust the action steps." - Confucius
  • MichelleBFTMichelleBFT Posts: 4,812Registered Users
    I'd tell her I loved her and wish her all the luck in the world in finding the family she wants to be a part of.
    "And politically correct is the worst term, not just because it’s dismissive, but because it narrows down the whole social justice spectrum to this idea that it’s about being polite instead of about dismantling the oppressive social structure of power.
    Fun Fact: When you actively avoid being “PC,” you’re not being forward-thinking or unique. You’re buying into systems of oppression that have existed since before you were even born, and you’re keeping those systems in place."
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  • KurlyKaeKurlyKae Posts: 3,413Registered Users
    It's a lazy eye

    Is she sure that can be passed on genetically. My mother had a lazy eye. Neither my brother nor I have one. Nor do my children.

    Regardless of your friend's reason to adopt, I think it's a wonderful way to make a family. As the aunt to two adopted children, I love them to pieces.
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  • pulchri2dinouspulchri2dinous Posts: 1,014Registered Users
    KurlyKae wrote: »
    It's a lazy eye

    Is she sure that can be passed on genetically. My mother had a lazy eye. Neither my brother nor I have one. Nor do my children.

    Regardless of your friend's reason to adopt, I think it's a wonderful way to make a family. As the aunt to two adopted children, I love them to pieces.

    Well, her mother has one and so does her mother's two children.
    4, fine, low-medium density, low porosity


    event.png

    "When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals, adjust the action steps." - Confucius
  • WiregirlWiregirl Posts: 1,695Registered Users
    My sister had a lazy eye as a child, they can correct that now, or "you grow out of it". Silly reason not to have a baby!:love2:
  • PartyHairPartyHair Posts: 7,713Registered Users
    My sister had a lazy eye as a child, they can correct that now, or "you grow out of it". Silly reason not to have a baby!:love2:

    But it's STILL her reason. And to her it isn't silly.

    It's a choice, people. HER choice.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Rock on with your bad self.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Be excellent to each other. ~ Abraham Lincoln

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
  • roseannadanaroseannadana Posts: 5,632Registered Users
    She loves the idea of pregnancy and thinks it's something really exciting and fulfilling, but she also feels like if she does end up pregnant she may not love the baby the way a mother should (because of the way the baby looks). She feels like she may have some sort of resentment... hold it against the child etc.

    Eh, my son has accommodative esotropia and I love him and he loves himself. He was diagnosed at 20 months. He wears contact lenses now. Not sure why she would hold it against the child unless she somehow thinks HER vision is her fault.

    Anyway, there is no requirement to reproduce. If she prefers to adopt, good for her.

    Incidentally, there's no history of this in our family so you never know!

    I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    What's a legitimate reason to adopt? I've always thought about adopting because I don't want to go through being pregnant and giving birth. I don't know or care how fertile I am. And I think adoption is a beautiful thing.
  • shellibeanshellibean Posts: 4,500Registered Users
    Totally up to her a/b having a biological child & I always support adoption. However, I wonder if she has thought a/b the fact that nobody is perfect & what if the child she adopts has a physical trait that isn't "perfect"? Would she be okay with that? Everyone has SOME imperfections: lazy eye, gap teeth, moles, large birth mark, etc. Before she has a child either biological or adopted- she should come to terms with that fact.
    A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.

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  • CGNYCCGNYC Posts: 4,937Registered Users
    I wouldn't get too invested in the conversation just now. It sounds like she is neither in a relationship nor looking to have children at the moment. People say all kinds of things before they're actually IN the situation.

    I'll adopt, having a baby hurts too much.
    I'll adopt, having a baby ruins your body.
    I'll adopt, after I've had a few "of my own."

    I've heard versions of all of those.

    Lots of things could happen. I would say let her talk, because it's obviously a subject that's important to her and whatever this physical trait is it is a big deal to her, but don't get really invested because in the end, most people DON'T adopt (and really, it's up to her and her partner anyway). It's a difficult process. It's expensive. It takes a long time. Infants are rare, older children often have issues. You don't just sign up and someone brings you a sparkly fresh baby.

    I'm in favor of adoption, my brother and SIL are waiting for a child right now (although it's going to be a long wait, even though they're adopting from the over flowing foster care system, they will consider special needs, sibling groups, and children up to age nine). But it's not as easy as just saying, "oh, I think I'll just adopt."
  • mrspoppersmrspoppers Posts: 7,223Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    CGNYC wrote: »
    I wouldn't get too invested in the conversation just now. It sounds like she is neither in a relationship nor looking to have children at the moment. People say all kinds of things before they're actually IN the situation.

    I'll adopt, having a baby hurts too much.
    I'll adopt, having a baby ruins your body.
    I'll adopt, after I've had a few "of my own."

    I've heard versions of all of those.

    Lots of things could happen. I would say let her talk, because it's obviously a subject that's important to her and whatever this physical trait is it is a big deal to her, but don't get really invested because in the end, most people DON'T adopt (and really, it's up to her and her partner anyway). It's a difficult process. It's expensive. It takes a long time. Infants are rare, older children often have issues. You don't just sign up and someone brings you a sparkly fresh baby.

    I'm in favor of adoption, my brother and SIL are waiting for a child right now (although it's going to be a long wait, even though they're adopting from the over flowing foster care system, they will consider special needs, sibling groups, and children up to age nine). But it's not as easy as just saying, "oh, I think I'll just adopt."
    +1

    A lot can change between now and the time she's ready for children.
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  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users
    I think someone is actually more likely to get a "less-than-perfect" child through adoption than to have one biologically.
  • subbrocksubbrock Posts: 8,212Registered Users
    i have a friend who decided that she never wanted to have any biological children with her boyfriend because mental illness (bipoloar disorder, schizophrenia, depression) runs on both sides of their families. she said she just didnt want to run the risk of passing that on to her child. it made sense to me. they also decided that they were never going to get legally married because both of their parents were divorced (i think his dad is on wife #4 or 5).

    fast forward 5 yrs--theyre now married with a beautiful biological daughter. :love2:

    i think there is nothing wrong with being fertile but choosing to adopt, if youre realistic about the situation. if your friend thinks shes going to walk into an adoption agency and turn around shortly thereafter with a beautiful perfect non lazy eyed baby, she needs a reality check.
  • PixieCurlPixieCurl Posts: 5,656Registered Users
    I agree with PartyHair that it's completely up to her and frankly, none of your business whether she has biological children, adopts, or neither or both.

    I also agree with CGNYC that a lot could change between now and the time she's ready (or not) to have children.

    And, there is corrective surgery for lazy eye. I know someone who had it. I don't know if it's covered by insurance or any details about it, though.
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  • Laura LeeLaura Lee Posts: 1,828Registered Users
    I agree that it's totally her choice and all, but when it gets to the time that she's very seriously deciding whether to adopt or have her own biological child, you could always suggest she talk to a genetic counselor. A genetic counselor would definitely be able to help her make a medically informed decision about whether there was a risk of passing on the trait.
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users
    subbrock wrote: »
    i have a friend who decided that she never wanted to have any biological children with her boyfriend because mental illness (bipoloar disorder, schizophrenia, depression) runs on both sides of their families. she said she just didnt want to run the risk of passing that on to her child. it made sense to me. they also decided that they were never going to get legally married because both of their parents were divorced (i think his dad is on wife #4 or 5).

    fast forward 5 yrs--theyre now married with a beautiful biological daughter. :love2:

    i think there is nothing wrong with being fertile but choosing to adopt, if youre realistic about the situation. if your friend thinks shes going to walk into an adoption agency and turn around shortly thereafter with a beautiful perfect non lazy eyed baby, she needs a reality check.



    There was a local woman a few years ago, who was off her psych meds due to pregnancy. Because she was off meds, she killed her own mother during a psychotic rage. After she gave birth in prison, her baby was put up for adoption. I sometimes wonder if the adoptive parents were even told of the mental illness family history of the child. There have been many scandals within social service and adoption agencies of social workers not divulging such information.
  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,738Registered Users
    Taking a child out of the system is a good thing (almost) regardless of the reasons. It's cool with me unless she had some harmful intent in mind. That's not the case here.
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  • CurliLocksCurliLocks Posts: 10,572Registered Users Curl Dabbler
    This:
    shellibean wrote: »
    Totally up to her a/b having a biological child & I always support adoption. However, I wonder if she has thought a/b the fact that nobody is perfect & what if the child she adopts has a physical trait that isn't "perfect"? Would she be okay with that? Everyone has SOME imperfections: lazy eye, gap teeth, moles, large birth mark, etc. Before she has a child either biological or adopted- she should come to terms with that fact.

    and this:
    ...... I sometimes wonder if the adoptive parents were even told of the [mental illness] family history of the child. There have been many scandals within social service and adoption agencies of social workers not divulging such information.

    My SIL was having problems having a 2nd child, lost a preemie, her DS has developmental problems. Since they couldn't have another, they decided to adopt. The adopted daughter also has developmental problems, although not at bad. But they were hoping adoption would avoid that, not so. And they were not told of the DD's history.
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  • pulchri2dinouspulchri2dinous Posts: 1,014Registered Users
    Thanks for all the responses!

    *DISCLAIMER* I'm not being offensive/snarky/having an attitude, just trying to clarify and make an observation :D

    I posted this question the way I did so that I could get some general feedback and not the "you should do this..." because I literally wanted to know how other people would react if a friend of theirs told them something like this. Although... I do notice that when I ask "what would you do" questions people tend to respond with "you should..." answers (not just here but in real life lol).

    I firmly agree with everything PartyHair said. My main problem with this situation is that most of our friends have said:

    "are you crazy?"
    "why would you do that?"
    "but it's not YOUR child!"
    "That makes no sense."
    "That's not a good enough reason to adopt."

    I was actually wondering if most people felt that way which is why I started this thread. I, on the other hand, never knew that one needed a "good" reason to want to help a child in need. For this reason alone, I don't understand why they are all reacting this way.

    She does understand that adoption is not an easy process, she's not a silly girl. She's done research about it and found out all that she needs to know. I think she wonders what's the point of possibly having a baby with a problem that she may have to spend tons of money to fix, when she can help one that already exists? She's a very kind and loving person and she's always volunteering. In fact, her main goal in life is to help children, so this makes sense to me.

    I also know that it's entirely possible that she may change her mind simply because she's so in love/fascinated with the idea of pregnancy. So, I wonder what she will do if she does get pregnant? She says she doesn't know and she does admit that she might change her mind. I think she's just afraid that the child will hate her for it or something. She still wants to adopt whether or not she decides to have a biological child.
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    "When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals, adjust the action steps." - Confucius
  • subbrocksubbrock Posts: 8,212Registered Users
    tell me if im understanding this right. you ask "what would you do...?" people answer "you should/i would..." and you dont like that? im really not trying to be snarky, im making sure i understand what youre saying.
  • KraytKrayt Posts: 765Registered Users
    Good for her. If she wants to adopt, then by all means adopt if she has the means to.

    I'm adopted myself, at maybe 2 months old, and while I know I have birth parents, my adoptive parents ARE my parents, end of story.

    She sounds like she'll be a great mom and is simply looking out for a child's best interest.
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