Feeling bad about my gurls?

eloaoshuneloaoshun Posts: 5Registered Users
My boyfirend is white, blonde hair, blue eyes, and I am multi-racial, black hair, brown eyes. I am not racist at all but lately race has become a huge issue in my life and having my curly hair has been making me feel like crap. My boyfriend says he loves my hair, straight or curly, but I know from the way he looks at me and talks to me he likes it straight and wants me to get it permanently straightened. And where I live, race is such a big deal. I can' tell you how many times I have heard the N word this past year and it makes me wanna cry because so many people seem to have this thing against looking black. I have no problem with it but has made me so uncomfortble when I go out. When I straighten my hair, people don't know what I am because the middle eastern in my family shows but when I ahve my hair curly, people think I am white and black. Again, I have nothing against any race whatsoever, but is it wrong to feel ashamed when so many people discriminate around me? And when did having straight hair become better than having curly hair? It's really affecting my self esteem and I feel like everybody is making fun of me when I go out. I try to stay in as much as I can. Just wondering if anybody else shares these experiences.
Also, this weekend I'm going to get my hair done and unfortunately I am giving in to this stupididty, and I am getting my hair straightened. Thanks:sad11:

Comments

  • crazilycurly77crazilycurly77 Posts: 33Registered Users
    Please, please, please cancel your appointment to get your hair permanently straightened! I'm not the best at giving advice, but your post really touched me. I can't say I know exactly where you come from, I'm white so I don't have the same racial issues to face, but most ALL of us with curly hair know how you feel! It's hard to strut around with your naturally curly hair, no matter how beautiful you know it is if you're constantly being put down for it or insulted or made to feel uncomfortable. Who would want to feel that way after all? It's actually really sad.

    I'm sure your hair is gorgeous natural. And if you feel like even your boyfriend doesn't see it that way even if he says he does, then I think he's not worth your time. Just my opinion! Any guy should feel so lucky to have a girl with a full head of natural curly hair. It's not boring and plain like straight hair.

    As for where you live and the race issues, I bet it's really hard for you as you've said, to not feel ashamed when so many people don't understand you and are too ignorant or shallow to really take a look at you and see how beautiful you are, AS you are.

    If you conform by straightening your hair, you've let them win. Don't go down without a fight! It's hard and I should really take my own advice, because I'm still trying to break out of the habit of wearing my hair in a ponytail wherever I go because I'm afraid of the comments I often get when it's down and natural. And people being disrespectful, and calling you the N word, that's actually really serious verbal abuse and they could get in trouble. That's seriously not okay. But try to keep your chin up and just remind yourself how clueless they are and how powerful you are to not let it affect you.

    If you let your hair be natural and be yourself, you're going to attract people you KNOW love you for you and accept you no matter your race or whatever. If you straighten your hair, you might become more well liked, and less of a target for discrimination, but you're lying to yourself and everyone. And eventually, you're going to be really unhappy because the friends you've made won't really know you. Ya know?

    Try to be strong and later in life, you can always move away, to a more accepting neighborhood and remind yourself that you have so much life ahead of you, and gorgeous curly hair as a bonus! Why would you not take advantage of it while your alive?

    I'm sorry if I've rambled on too long, but I really hope you decide not to straighten it and try to be strong. I'm sure you'll get more great advice on this site, too. everyone here really understands what you're going through. Good luck and love to you!
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  • erikaxelectrik7erikaxelectrik7 Posts: 90Registered Users
    Please..PLEASE do not get your hair permanently straightened.


    When I was little, I lived around mostly white people, and I am biracial(black/white). My skin is white, but I have what most people called "black girl hair". It's very curly and thick, and it was very long. Everybody made fun of me, and not just the whites but the blacks. The white girls made fun of me because my hair was really frizzy because we didn't know how to take care of it back then, and the black girls used to tell me I had "bad hair". I cried almost everyday of my childhood because of those people. I tried everything to straighten my hair and nothing worked good enough so I decided to get it permanently straightened. BAD IDEA. My hair ended up frizzy, dry, crispy-feeling, and I had to cut it all off(above my shoulders..which just caused it to be a big fuzz ball) because of all the damage that it did. It's been years since I did that...and my hair still has damage. PLEASE don't do it!! D:
  • curlybeautycurlybeauty Posts: 81Registered Users
    I'm with everyone else. PLEASE don't permanently straighten your hair! Please, please, please!

    Tons of kids in my school made fun of my curly hair. I wanted to permanently straighten my hair, back in November-February. I wouldn't stop relentlessly begging my parents to give in, but they held firm and told me my hair was gorgeous and they're not going to allow me to ruin it. It took a few months but I found this website, learned how to care for my hair, and now I love it. I know it's beautiful, even if a few other people don't.

    You need to learn how to accept yourself for who you are because you'll be completely happier in the long run.

  • SuburbanbushbabeSuburbanbushbabe Posts: 15,402Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    eloaoshun wrote:
    My boyfriend says he loves my hair, straight or curly, but I know from the way he looks at me and talks to me he likes it straight and wants me to get it permanently straightened. And where I live, race is such a big deal. I can' tell you how many times I have heard the N word this past year and it makes me wanna cry because so many people seem to have this thing against looking black.



    That's a harsh, unloving, and black-hating environment you live in. Even the one who professes to love you, you feel is lying to you. I feel sad that you choose to live like this. Because these people hate black, that doesn't mean you have to hate that part of yourself, and that is what seems to be happening.

    I'm not talking about straightening your hair, but why you are doing it. All the wrong reasons. Everyone in your sphere may hate what you are, but it is what you are.You are unique and deserve to be nurtured and to nurture.

    You are making limited choices of fight for yourself or flee from yourself. You have other choices, if you can be a courageous and loving advocate for you. You can change the environment and change the messages you get from your community to loving ones.
    My blog - http://suburbanbushbabe.wordpress.com/
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  • KranberyKranbery Posts: 177Registered Users
    It is a shame you have to go through that. It is very hurtful to be disliked because of something that is inherently you. Don't change for anyone, regardless of who they are or what they say. If they can convince you to change one thing about yourself, they will try to change other things, and I don't think you want to go down that road. Keep and love your beautiful curly hair. Very few people have what you have, and you should be proud of that one fact in itself. I hope things get better for you soon.

    :blob:
    Grow hair grow. People think you look funny at this length. :sad8:

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  • Hakim NuraldinHakim Nuraldin Posts: 1,467Registered Users
    Seems to me that while everyone around you is being racist against black, you are too. You can change your hair for others, but how will it make you feel knowing that you truly aren't being yourself and expressing yourself the way you want to be. if your boyfriend can not accept who you are, as you are, he doesn't deserve you. Someone who professes to love you would not ask you to change a thing, or make you feel like you had to to please them or make them happy.
    You say that when your hair is straight, no one knows what you are. Is that what you want? If everyone else is proud to be who they are, what makes you think you don't have the right to be too? Why is it you who has to change, why not them? I don't know how old you are, but if you're of age, you do have a choice.
    Why would you want to continue to be in an environment that is hostile to your well being and self esteem? You are really going to have to look deep. Because straight hair will not hide what's inside of you. It's not about hair. It goes deeper than that. I hope that you do the right thing, not just for your hair, but for you.
  • DeodandDeodand Posts: 159Registered Users
    Racism and other stupid BS aside, don't style your hair to please someone else, ever.

    Natural hair is beautiful! I give a mental fist-bump to anyone I see with it. When is the rest of the world going to figure it out?
    2B low porosity low elasticity fine texture
    I'm not CG - tried it and failed for two years. My scalp hates it.
  • PrettyMedusaPrettyMedusa Posts: 619Registered Users
    Seems to me that while everyone around you is being racist against black, you are too. You can change your hair for others, but how will it make you feel knowing that you truly aren't being yourself and expressing yourself the way you want to be. if your boyfriend can not accept who you are, as you are, he doesn't deserve you. Someone who professes to love you would not ask you to change a thing, or make you feel like you had to to please them or make them happy.
    You say that when your hair is straight, no one knows what you are. Is that what you want? If everyone else is proud to be who they are, what makes you think you don't have the right to be too? Why is it you who has to change, why not them? I don't know how old you are, but if you're of age, you do have a choice.
    Why would you want to continue to be in an environment that is hostile to your well being and self esteem? You are really going to have to look deep. Because straight hair will not hide what's inside of you. It's not about hair. It goes deeper than that. I hope that you do the right thing, not just for your hair, but for you.

    Amen. It sounds like your hair is just the tip of the iceberg. You may want to consider a deeper inquiry into some of your internalized racism. Consider joining a group that offers support to bi-racial people. Even racist communities have people who are engaging in anti-racism work. Once you open up this dialogue with others, you might be surprised to find that you aren't alone.

    Get in touch with your roots. Be proud of who you are. Plenty of people in life are going to try to make you feel bad or keep you down for one reason or another--the real test, and the only way you'll grow, is to resist that and be willing to fight the good fight, not lie down and succumb to that bullsh*t.

    Maybe you should also consider dumping the boy while you're at it.
    Fine, porous 3a with some 3b...
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  • eloaoshuneloaoshun Posts: 5Registered Users
    I felt like I was really alone in feeling this way so it is so good to see that not only are there are other people who have gone through this, but people who understand. After reading everybody's input, I have realized that going to a support group for others dealing with racial issues is probably what I need right now ( thank you PrettyMedusa), because I saw how much this is affecting me. It's kind of embarrasing but I actually couldn't stop crying when reading all you had to say. And I know this has everything to do with where I have been living. I don't want to say where because I don't want to make anybody else living here feel I am insinuating something about them, but I was born in San Fransisco, a very diverse city where people are so proud of their culture and background. Up here, everybody is white or black, but when I'm down there, everybody is just human. I miss it so much. I have lived here for about 9 or ten years now and I know it is the people and environment of this place that has caused me to think and feel this way. Whenever I leave the city, I feel so comfortable and confident and I feel pretty. Everyone here tells me how beautiful I am but then there are people who look at me when my hair is curly and I know what they are thinking and its awful. My sister hated it here just as much as I and she moved back down to the bay area as soon as she got the opportunity. My sepsister IS black and grew up here and she hates black people!!! Does that even make sense? She's so pretty to and she has long dreadlocks, like alot of people in my family, and a great smile. She refused to date black men, she would bring my sister and I in front of her friends to say like," Look, I'm related to this pretty light-skinned girls.", and all of her friends were white. I never understood why she was like that until I turned 14 and everything changed. And to Hakim Nuraldin, I am not of age yet. Believe me, if I was I would've left as soon as I got the chance. I'll be going off to college soon in LA, and I can't wait to get out of here. When I ahve straight hair, people treat me differently, people are friendlier to me, and guys are always hitting on me. But when I wear my hair curly, it's just not the sam and its caused me to almost agree with the stupid people who think these stigmas. I know this goes deeper than my hair. I can not thank you enough for all your help, especially those who have gone through it too.

    And I just wanted to say that I love curly hair. It is so pretty, especially when it is healthy and shines. I am still debating what to do this weekend at my appointment but I will keep in mind what you all had to say.
  • Hakim NuraldinHakim Nuraldin Posts: 1,467Registered Users
    eloaoshun wrote: »
    I felt like I was really alone in feeling this way so it is so good to see that not only are there are other people who have gone through this, but people who understand. After reading everybody's input, I have realized that going to a support group for others dealing with racial issues is probably what I need right now ( thank you PrettyMedusa), because I saw how much this is affecting me. It's kind of embarrasing but I actually couldn't stop crying when reading all you had to say. And I know this has everything to do with where I have been living. I don't want to say where because I don't want to make anybody else living here feel I am insinuating something about them, but I was born in San Fransisco, a very diverse city where people are so proud of their culture and background. Up here, everybody is white or black, but when I'm down there, everybody is just human. I miss it so much. I have lived here for about 9 or ten years now and I know it is the people and environment of this place that has caused me to think and feel this way. Whenever I leave the city, I feel so comfortable and confident and I feel pretty. Everyone here tells me how beautiful I am but then there are people who look at me when my hair is curly and I know what they are thinking and its awful. My sister hated it here just as much as I and she moved back down to the bay area as soon as she got the opportunity. My sepsister IS black and grew up here and she hates black people!!! Does that even make sense? She's so pretty to and she has long dreadlocks, like alot of people in my family, and a great smile. She refused to date black men, she would bring my sister and I in front of her friends to say like," Look, I'm related to this pretty light-skinned girls.", and all of her friends were white. I never understood why she was like that until I turned 14 and everything changed. And to Hakim Nuraldin, I am not of age yet. Believe me, if I was I would've left as soon as I got the chance. I'll be going off to college soon in LA, and I can't wait to get out of here. When I ahve straight hair, people treat me differently, people are friendlier to me, and guys are always hitting on me. But when I wear my hair curly, it's just not the sam and its caused me to almost agree with the stupid people who think these stigmas. I know this goes deeper than my hair. I can not thank you enough for all your help, especially those who have gone through it too.

    And I just wanted to say that I love curly hair. It is so pretty, especially when it is healthy and shines. I am still debating what to do this weekend at my appointment but I will keep in mind what you all had to say.




    Is that you in the pic? You are very beautiful. Don't let anyone steal your shine!
  • KinkyKeeperKinkyKeeper Posts: 963Registered Users
    Don't do it. I spent 7 years of my life straightening my hair (or covering it up with straight plastic hair weaves or hair from other women probably somewhere in India).

    It's a bad road that leaves you nowhere and with nothing but fried hair, breakage, balding, and even a scalp with constant itching and sores or even permenant hair loss from chemical burns. And even if you do everything people want you to do, be everything they want you to be, you won't be happy. Plus there hasn't been a lot of research on relaxers (a red flag in itself) but it has been already proven hair dyes can cuase cancer, hair styists working with these dyes have a higher rate of blood and other cancers. It's not a stretch to say relaxers probably also seep into your blood stream to wreak havoc on your system. Are you willing to risk the health of your body, mind and hair to conform to other people's expectations and prejudices? That's what it comes down to. Check out my siggie, I believe strongly far too many kinky and curly haired women have spent too much time, money, pain and effort conforming to a standard of beauty not their own. And it can be tough, you gotta have the self esteem to withstand the barrage of people who have been taught different is bad, non-white is bad, anything that smacks of "other" is bad. To answer your question, the hatred for curly hair dovetails a lot into race issues, and the ideal that is Anglo Saxon beauty (though quite a few White women themselves don't live up to this standard so it's more an imaginary impossible standard that even White women have suffered from).

    Good Hair
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    Good movies:
    Upcoming comedic documentary Good Hair by Chris Rock. Out in select theaters October 23rd

    My Nappy Roots
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFXZceQ2gAA

    Becuase yes it's about race, it's about hair, but mostly it becomes about letting others control you and how you feel about yourself. Valuing others' opinions over your own. Not to blame you becuase it's fairly common, but I co-sign finding a support group that supports mixed raced people and/or minorities. And stick around this site to find appreciation for the curls themselves.

    Check out my hairstory.
    http://www.curlynikki.com/2009/04/on-therapists-couch-with-kinkykeeper.html
    It has a lot of parallels to your story, so you can see what you will be getting yourself into.

    I was pressured into getting a relaxer myself and hopefully you don't have to go through what I went through, learn something from my story (and it's really all too common) and will say no from the beginning. Some people never learn this lesson. I regret all that time I spent hating my hair and fighting it.

    Good luck, I hope you listen to all the good advice you have gotten. Here is a good thread, also about this:
    http://www.naturallycurly.com/curltalk/showthread.php?t=76347&highlight=multiracial

    I like this site, both the postive resource page and debate forum covers real life issues
    http://mulatto.org

    Dedicated to the struggle for and preservation of civil rights for multiracial individuals and interracial couples/families. It includes lots of links to multiracial magazines and sites.
    http://www.multiracial.com/site/

    A clearinghouse of information relevant to the lives of people who are multiracial, multiethnic, transracially adopted, or otherwise affected by the intersection of race and culture.
    http://www.mixedheritagecenter.org/

    Hosted by Heidi Durrow and Fanshen Cox, this weekly podcast has interviews with many fascinating people active in the mixed community.
    http://mixedchickschat.com/

    A youtube channel devoted entirely to mulatto (African/European mixed) issues:
    http://www.youtube.com/user/tiffdjones

    A White/Black biracial woman documents her decades long struggle with her hair and shares her techniques:
    http://tightlycurly.com

    The nation's leading organization that builds healthy communities that celebrate and empower mixed-heritage people and families.
    http://www.mavinfoundation.org/

    Two other good sites
    http://mixedfolks.com

    http://mixedasians.com/

    Association of Multiethnic Americans
    http://www.ameasite.org/


    Also this is a support group/club for girls who are mixed Black (Black/Asian, Black/White, etc). I believe it's mostly online but they get together whenever possible.
    http://www.thetopazclub.com/


    Good luck on your journey. Hope that helped. :sunny:
  • PrettyMedusaPrettyMedusa Posts: 619Registered Users
    eloaoshun wrote: »
    I felt like I was really alone in feeling this way so it is so good to see that not only are there are other people who have gone through this, but people who understand. After reading everybody's input, I have realized that going to a support group for others dealing with racial issues is probably what I need right now ( thank you PrettyMedusa), because I saw how much this is affecting me. It's kind of embarrasing but I actually couldn't stop crying when reading all you had to say. And I know this has everything to do with where I have been living. I don't want to say where because I don't want to make anybody else living here feel I am insinuating something about them, but I was born in San Fransisco, a very diverse city where people are so proud of their culture and background. Up here, everybody is white or black, but when I'm down there, everybody is just human. I miss it so much. I have lived here for about 9 or ten years now and I know it is the people and environment of this place that has caused me to think and feel this way. Whenever I leave the city, I feel so comfortable and confident and I feel pretty. Everyone here tells me how beautiful I am but then there are people who look at me when my hair is curly and I know what they are thinking and its awful. My sister hated it here just as much as I and she moved back down to the bay area as soon as she got the opportunity. My sepsister IS black and grew up here and she hates black people!!! Does that even make sense? She's so pretty to and she has long dreadlocks, like alot of people in my family, and a great smile. She refused to date black men, she would bring my sister and I in front of her friends to say like," Look, I'm related to this pretty light-skinned girls.", and all of her friends were white. I never understood why she was like that until I turned 14 and everything changed. And to Hakim Nuraldin, I am not of age yet. Believe me, if I was I would've left as soon as I got the chance. I'll be going off to college soon in LA, and I can't wait to get out of here. When I ahve straight hair, people treat me differently, people are friendlier to me, and guys are always hitting on me. But when I wear my hair curly, it's just not the sam and its caused me to almost agree with the stupid people who think these stigmas. I know this goes deeper than my hair. I can not thank you enough for all your help, especially those who have gone through it too.

    And I just wanted to say that I love curly hair. It is so pretty, especially when it is healthy and shines. I am still debating what to do this weekend at my appointment but I will keep in mind what you all had to say.




    Is that you in the pic? You are very beautiful. Don't let anyone steal your shine!


    ITA. You're a gorgeous young lady!

    I'm also glad that KinkyKeeper responded, because as I suspected, she's privy to a plethora of great resources.
    Fine, porous 3a with some 3b...
    Co-wash: Suave Tropicals Coconut Conditioner (with shampoo bars 2x a month) Rinse-out: L'oreal Vive Pro Nutri Gloss Leave-in: Lustrasilk Styling: CK, Pink Boots, KCCC, AOMM, HESMU, BRHG, CJ Aloe Fix Gel Post-Styling: Apply product to wet hair, scrunch out water with Curls Like Us, diffuse for 5-7 minutes Treatments: Vatika coconut oil, Kama Brahmi oil
  • Yes, Still PaulaYes, Still Paula Posts: 485Registered Users
    However you choose to wear your hair, I wish you had the chance to live in an area like mine that is very, very very ethnically diverse with plenty of interracial couples. It's really a boring area I admit and for that reason I'm bummed about being back after being absent for 6 years, but I do wish the whole world was as diverse as this area where people don't stare at each other weird based on the color of their skin or if their kids or SO's don't have the same skin color as them.
  • curlyjeancurlyjean Posts: 72Registered Users
    Seems to me that while everyone around you is being racist against black, you are too. You can change your hair for others, but how will it make you feel knowing that you truly aren't being yourself and expressing yourself the way you want to be. if your boyfriend can not accept who you are, as you are, he doesn't deserve you. Someone who professes to love you would not ask you to change a thing, or make you feel like you had to to please them or make them happy.
    You say that when your hair is straight, no one knows what you are. Is that what you want? If everyone else is proud to be who they are, what makes you think you don't have the right to be too? Why is it you who has to change, why not them? I don't know how old you are, but if you're of age, you do have a choice.
    Why would you want to continue to be in an environment that is hostile to your well being and self esteem? You are really going to have to look deep. Because straight hair will not hide what's inside of you. It's not about hair. It goes deeper than that. I hope that you do the right thing, not just for your hair, but for you.

    Yes, this!!!
    3a/3b and fighting frizz!

    Hair hates: Jessicurl RR and CC (FRIZZ!)

    Hair loves: Anything Curl Junkie, KathyMack soap bars, KBB milk, nectar and hair mask, Giovanni Leave-In conditioner, CLU cloths, my heavenly silk pillowcase and my bone comb with wide and fine tooth ends.

    Happiness comes and goes, but joy resides in the soul, always. It is the soul's natural state and our job, as human beings, is to reside there as well.
  • multicultcurlymulticultcurly Posts: 5,136Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Unfortunately I can relate and understand. You should move to a more diverse place where people don't feel the need to constantly name your race as you pass by. Otherwise, you'll end up hating "black" people and yourself. It's easy to say that you shouldn't give in to what others around you say, but it's difficult when you are suddenly the target of everyone's curiosity and sometimes hatred when you've never dealt with it at that level.

    Slightly off topic, but Middle Eastern people are known for having curly to very curly and sometimes kinky-curly hair no matter how European their facial features or white their skin is. (Yes I know that ME people can have straight hair.)
    3b/c, medium-coarse, low porosity, high density
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    Shampoo: nonsulfate shampoo and Suave Naturals sulfate shampoo when needed
  • drasdras Posts: 175Registered Users
    OMG!!!!!

    eloaoshun, is that your picture?

    Girl you are beautiful!!!!!!

    Racism aside I think those people who treat you like that are just jealous of your curls. You dont need to permanently straighten your hair. Curly hair is beautiful. I think those mean people are big time jealous of YOUR NATURAL BEAUTY.

    Girl, you dont need to conform to look like them. I bet you that they secretly wish they could have your hair and beauty.

    Be strong and hold on to your curls. Everyone seem to be giving great advice. I especially hope you check out the websites given by kinkykeeper.

    Take care.
    21 Months Relaxer Free

    My album: http://public.fotki.com/dras/

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