Would you date a man that is almost divorced?

hipchickhipchick Posts: 350Registered Users
I recently met a man online that is just about to get divorced (he's been separated a few years) and I am not that comfortable with that. I am not sure if I am going to meet him or not. He also has a couple kids. It seems like by the mid-forties there are most likely going to be issues and/or baggage to deal with and to think otherwise is unrealistic.

Would you meet the guy?
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  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,318Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Nope but it's because I don't have much baggage and not interested in it. Having kids is major baggage for me personally and he's still married, no way.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,816Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    If you don't feel comfortable w/ it and are likely to keep pestering him about it, then you shouldn't meet him.

    I can only speak for myself -- spiritually, I decide when my marriage is over, not a judge. Legally, I'm still married, but in my heart, I'm ready to move on. And maybe this guy is, too?

    Do you have kids? Are kids part of the "baggage" you're describing? If you consider kids to be baggage, then you really shouldn't meet him.

    But maybe I am misunderstanding you. Are you saying, by mid40s, no one is a perfect clean slate w/o a past? True. But you need to have your own mental list of what is acceptable "baggage" and what isn't.

  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Yes, I would, and I did. The good ones don't stay on the market long.

    My husband was separated for several years and not fully divorced when I met him. He didn't have kids though. I didn't want to date anyone with kids, because I had kids. I had bad experiences with clashing-kids in previous relationships and it wasn't something I wanted to repeat. I wanted my kids to be the one-and-only kids in the relationship. I think you need to "pick your baggage" though, and only date people with baggage that you are comfortable with. Someone in their mid-40's is not going to be without baggage.
  • mandyvmandyv Posts: 2,437Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Yes, I would, and I did. The good ones don't stay on the market long.

    I agree.

    I don't look at kids as baggage and feel that attitude that I can only define as selfish is all too prevalent in our society, with nobody wanting to put out anything for anybody else (unless there's something in it for them), and want things only the way we want them. Life doesn't usually work out that way. People with kids are usually more interesting people and less self-involved.
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  • MizKerriMizKerri Posts: 1,701Registered Users
    My husband was separated for a while but not yet divorced when we first started dating. I actually didn't realize he wasn't already divorced at first, and I'm not sure I would have gone out with him if I did know (I just wasn't ready for drama....fortunately there wasn't any), but I'm glad I made the mistake because he's a keeper.
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  • rouquinnerouquinne Posts: 13,705Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    mandyv wrote: »
    People with kids are usually more interesting people and less self-involved.

    gee... thanks! NOT!

    :protest:

    yes, i would date an almost-divorced man.

    however, the sheer number of "newly separated" men (and they declare themselves as such) are another matter entirely!

    children under 18 are a deal-breaker for me, though.
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  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I think kids are baggage. I'm not using that as necessarily negative, but baggage is something we have to carry around with us...a responsibility...and kids fit that description.
  • mrspoppersmrspoppers Posts: 7,223Registered Users Curl Novice
    I agree with the others that said they would. If he has really been separated for two years and he is really getting divorced (i.e. already filed) then I'd say the marriage is over and he's trying to move on. I'd actually rather go out with someone like that than someone who didn't separate, but just jumped headfirst into filing for divorce and has now only been out of the marriage for a month or two.

    Kids aren't baggage. I know there are many people who don't want them, especially other peoples' kids, and that's fine. But just because he has kids doesn't mean that's a problem in and of itself.
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  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users Curl Neophyte
    rouquinne wrote: »
    mandyv wrote: »
    People with kids are usually more interesting people and less self-involved.

    gee... thanks! NOT!

    :protest:

    yes, i would date an almost-divorced man.

    however, the sheer number of "newly separated" men (and they declare themselves as such) are another matter entirely!

    children under 18 are a deal-breaker for me, though.
    :lol:
    rou, so how is the dating going? :icon_smile:
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  • CGNYCCGNYC Posts: 4,938Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    No. I wouldn't date anyone not yet fully DIVORCED and apart from their former spouse. I just don't want the drama. I wouldn't date anyone too newly seperated becuse I wouldn't want to get caught up with someone not fully out, and for the same reason I wouldn't date anyone "seperated for a few years. Why not get divorced? Either he's in or he's out and if he's really out, why is he still just a little bit in?

    No no no. Not for me.
  • M2LRM2LR Posts: 8,630Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    If he was open and honest about what was going on, yes.

    I dated a man once that wasn't open and honest about his divorce...wasn't good.
    :rambo:
  • redcelticcurlsredcelticcurls Posts: 17,502Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I guess it depends. So many men lie about the whole separated-but-divorcing thing. I'm not sure if I'd believe him really.
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  • rouquinnerouquinne Posts: 13,705Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    So many men lie about the whole separated-but-divorcing thing.

    i had one of those contact me a couple of weeks ago - profile said separated. and it was a *great* profile. i should post it here for y'all to see...

    because the lying SOB confessed in his 2nd email that he's married and looking for a mistress.

    *what* dating, wile e? that's the "quality" i'm getting these days...
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  • afrosheenqueenafrosheenqueen Posts: 5,400Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Now? No.

    I did before and then found out he's been seperated since 2001 or 2002. He lied about when the divorce was happening - the date was always pushed back. He was never forthcoming about that whole situation and The potential to get strung along is high and at my age I really don't have time to waste so its better if we never get started.
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  • M2LRM2LR Posts: 8,630Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    CGNYC wrote: »
    No. I wouldn't date anyone not yet fully DIVORCED and apart from their former spouse. I just don't want the drama. I wouldn't date anyone too newly seperated becuse I wouldn't want to get caught up with someone not fully out, and for the same reason I wouldn't date anyone "seperated for a few years. Why not get divorced? Either he's in or he's out and if he's really out, why is he still just a little bit in?

    No no no. Not for me.

    Piggybacking on what I said earlier, I agree with this as well.

    If they've been separated for X number of years, I would be weary of dating him. Divorces don't take that long, IMO...at least on paper. Sure, you have the splitting of property and such, but staying merely "separated" for 3 or 4 years? No, I wouldn't date him.

    Clearly, something is stopping him (or her) from going through with it and making it final.
    :rambo:
  • rainshowerrainshower Posts: 4,420Registered Users
    hipchick wrote: »
    I recently met a man online that is just about to get divorced (he's been separated a few years) and I am not that comfortable with that. I am not sure if I am going to meet him or not. He also has a couple kids. It seems like by the mid-forties there are most likely going to be issues and/or baggage to deal with and to think otherwise is unrealistic.

    Would you meet the guy?

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  • jeepcurlygurljeepcurlygurl Posts: 20,663Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Curl Virtuoso
    I would and have dated not-yet-divorced men. It all depends on the circumstances. I've dealt with the worst of ex-wives so that's not a deal breaker for me.
    Everything can be baggage, including kids. People who don't want kids, whether their own or others', aren't any more selfish than anyone else. I never wanted kids but I raised 2 stepdaughters and I was an awesome stepmom. I've done my time and now I for sure don't want to take on any more kids. So kids could be a deal breaker. That's just me.

    But if anything makes you uncomfortable, you shouldn't do it.
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  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    CGNYC wrote: »
    and for the same reason I wouldn't date anyone "seperated for a few years. Why not get divorced? Either he's in or he's out and if he's really out, why is he still just a little bit in?


    Sometimes it's just because they haven't gotten around to the legal filing, but are living totally separate lives. I would definitely ask the question "why" though.
  • Nappy_curly_crownNappy_curly_crown Posts: 4,162Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I think kids are baggage. I'm not using that as necessarily negative, but baggage is something we have to carry around with us...a responsibility...and kids fit that description.


    can I get that on a t-shirt? Seriously when I'm interested in a guy, kids are a deal breaker for me. I'm not interested in being a step-mom (or any mom for that matter).

    To the OP...I think it would depend on the circumstances of the seperation. Why is it taking a few years to cut the string? Money? Not really needing the peice of paper to make it offical? Or not being ready to let go (and possibly holding on to hope that things will get better/improve)?
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  • Hakim NuraldinHakim Nuraldin Posts: 1,467Registered Users
    CGNYC wrote: »
    No. I wouldn't date anyone not yet fully DIVORCED and apart from their former spouse. I just don't want the drama. I wouldn't date anyone too newly seperated becuse I wouldn't want to get caught up with someone not fully out, and for the same reason I wouldn't date anyone "seperated for a few years. Why not get divorced? Either he's in or he's out and if he's really out, why is he still just a little bit in?

    No no no. Not for me.


    LMAO! I can just hear Heidi Klum saying this. "You are not really out, you are just a little bit in".
  • M2LRM2LR Posts: 8,630Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    CGNYC wrote: »
    and for the same reason I wouldn't date anyone "seperated for a few years. Why not get divorced? Either he's in or he's out and if he's really out, why is he still just a little bit in?


    Sometimes it's just because they haven't gotten around to the legal filing, but are living totally separate lives. I would definitely ask the question "why" though.

    Then why not get around to filing if you're living separate lives? The action of "not finding the time to file" makes it seem as though getting divorced isn't a priority.
    :rambo:
  • Hakim NuraldinHakim Nuraldin Posts: 1,467Registered Users
    "Almost" divorced? Then I must be "almost" married. Or someone can be "almost" pregnant, or "almost" alive. Or "almost" employed. Hmmm... I'm "almost" hungry....
  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users Curl Neophyte
    curious..how long to y'all think the average divorce filing from start to finish should take?
    In Tejas, there is no legal separation, as well...
    And to answer the OP...hell no!
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  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    hipchick wrote: »
    I recently met a man online that is just about to get divorced (he's been separated a few years) and I am not that comfortable with that. I am not sure if I am going to meet him or not. He also has a couple kids. It seems like by the mid-forties there are most likely going to be issues and/or baggage to deal with and to think otherwise is unrealistic.

    Would you meet the guy?

    It depends what "just about to get divorced" means. If someone's just saying that online and I don't know them at all, no, I'm not interested.

    If we know each other and I know for a fact they're seeing lawyers, signing papers, have a court date, and they're being mature about it and not still caught up in the drama, and I like them a lot and think there's something there, then I'd probably proceed with caution.
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  • luvmylocsluvmylocs Posts: 7,578Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    i wouldn't, too messy. you deserve better. don't get involved...wait for someone who is legally divorced, widowed or single, never married....
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  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    curious..how long to y'all think the average divorce filing from start to finish should take?
    In Tejas, there is no legal separation, as well...
    And to answer the OP...hell no!

    It depends where you live and how complicated the issues are, but where I live, it's usually a year from start of separation to divorce. If it takes much longer, I would think either the divorce is very acrimonious, someone is still not wanting to let go, or someone is lazy, depressed etc. all of which would make me hesitant to get involved with them because I wouldn't particularly want to be hearing about all of this.
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  • CGNYCCGNYC Posts: 4,938Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I can just hear Heidi Klum saying this. "You are not really out, you are just a little bit in".

    I just didn't want anyone to miss this because it is making me giggle so much.
  • guinnessguinness Posts: 351Registered Users
    No, I wouldn't, and I doubt I would date anyone recently divorced either.
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    M2LR wrote: »
    CGNYC wrote: »
    and for the same reason I wouldn't date anyone "seperated for a few years. Why not get divorced? Either he's in or he's out and if he's really out, why is he still just a little bit in?


    Sometimes it's just because they haven't gotten around to the legal filing, but are living totally separate lives. I would definitely ask the question "why" though.

    Then why not get around to filing if you're living separate lives? The action of "not finding the time to file" makes it seem as though getting divorced isn't a priority.


    I asked my husband this question when I met him..."Why aren't you divorced yet? What is stopping you?" He had never gotten around to it because lawyers and courts just weren't something he had ever been involved with before. He didn't know where to begin. He and his ex had been separated for years, living completely separate lives, and no longer had any property in common. They had no kids, and neither one had thought of remarriage yet, so it just wasn't a priority. I sent him pretty quickly to a lawyer to finish things up and he was divorced within a couple months. It wasn't a big deal to me really. I knew he was very "single".
  • TrenellTrenell Posts: 3,562Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    My dad was actually in the process of getting a divorce when he met my mom. By in the process, I'm not sure how far into it. I think they agreed, but no paper work had been filed. I think b/c he was in the Army stationed an Texas and she lived in Va....so feet dragging.

    Buuut he did not tell my mother, she found out from her friend who was dating my dad's best friend. Oddly enoughm these same friends set my paretns up on their first date.

    Anyways, my mom found out. She borke up with him for about a month. She knew she loved him, but she was having none of it. My parents spoke later and my mom basically asked my dad "What do you need to do to get this divorce? That's all? You need to go to Va? OK. See you in a few. Buh-bye"

    They've been happily married for 35 years

    I'm not sure what I would. I guess it does depend.
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