CurlTalk

Update on the boyfriend situation

deletedelete Posts: 815Registered Users
A while ago, I posted on here about my boyfriend and whether or not he would ever marry me. Conveniently, I had a lot of other personal stuff as well as school stuff come up so I have procrastinated talking to him.

This morning I found the final straw. I'm not going to discuss it here because so many women have different opinions from mine and I don't want to argue the validity of my feelings.

So the letter has been written, asking him what he wants. He's either in, all in, or we're done. I'm staying with someone to give him the space to decided what he wants. The letter basically states that forever is a very long time and we're only 4 years into it. We're never going to get there if he keeps acting like this.

I was going to do this in person but I don't want to crumble in front of him. This is the strongest/weakest I've ever felt and I don't want him to talk me into staying.

So I just wanted to update everyone. My stomach hurts and I'm sad. Luckily I have 3 papers I have to write so I have a distraction.

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Comments

  • YolyCYolyC Posts: 3,758Registered Users
    Good Luck. Whichever way things go, I hope you find your happiness.
    Location: Chicago

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything."
    Malcolm X
  • MichelleBFTMichelleBFT Posts: 4,812Registered Users
    I hope this works out for you. Regardless of the outcome, you'll be stronger for going through it. Good luck.
    "And politically correct is the worst term, not just because it’s dismissive, but because it narrows down the whole social justice spectrum to this idea that it’s about being polite instead of about dismantling the oppressive social structure of power.
    Fun Fact: When you actively avoid being “PC,” you’re not being forward-thinking or unique. You’re buying into systems of oppression that have existed since before you were even born, and you’re keeping those systems in place."
    Stolen.
  • medussamedussa Posts: 12,993Registered Users
    I've been wondering how you were doing.

    I agree that you can't afford to live in the dark any longer and I'm not about to sit here and bash you about how you feel and how you handled things.

    I wish you all the best. I know you're hurting.
  • ninja dogninja dog Posts: 23,780Registered Users
    ITA Medussa and YolyC.

    Don't forget, other curlies in Cleveland are here for you :)
  • LisaF1163LisaF1163 Posts: 1,079Registered Users
    Good luck, I hope it goes well for you.
    CG since 1/09. Protein and Mag Sulfate sensitive.
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  • LoloDSMLoloDSM Posts: 3,778Registered Users
    Good luck, Sarah! It sounded like you were in a tough situation, and I'm glad you stood up for yourself.
    Loose botticelli curls and waves
    No silicones/no sulfates since March 2008
  • CurliLocksCurliLocks Posts: 10,571Registered Users
    I hope things work out for your true best interests. :)
    You will be better off, one way or the other, for having taken that step.
    Best of luck and keep us posted.

    (((hugs))):love5:
    SF Bay Area, CA * "The Angel-Goddess-Guru of Haircoloring" :D
    3b/c/a mix. medium texture, low porosity
    My Motto: Strand Test! some hair pics
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] -- gone, but never forgotten.
  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    Good for you - what you did took guts.

    I hope you find happiness. Having an answer one way or the other will be a relief. I hope you get the answer you want, but even if you don't, you'll be OK.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


    .png


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  • rudeechickrudeechick Posts: 6,726Registered Users
    Stick to your convictions and you will, ultimately, be fine. My personal belief is that gd puts us exactly where we are supposed to be. If and when you need to move on you will do so when you are ready. Stay strong, if it doesnt work out he wasnt the right one.

    Peace
    Curls,Coils,Waves & WhatKnot:geek:
    3miii/My HGs tame bulk&frizz/Give definition w/o crunch
    My Photobucket Album
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users
    I hope it all works out well for you.
  • WiregirlWiregirl Posts: 1,695Registered Users
    Good girl, I'm proud, Hang in there!
  • MeghuneyMeghuney Posts: 4,263Registered Users
    Good Luck! I'm so proud of you for lookign for answers. I dont know all the details of what went on..but you'd be surprised how many women have been stuck in relationships or marriages for YEARS because they would rather be in the dark.
  • OdisseyOdissey Posts: 24Registered Users
    I agree with Amneris. it takes guts and you are / or should be mentally prepared to take it any answer that he gives you.
    And you'll be alright even with things dont turn out the way you wish them to be. Just think of it as God has better plans for you. i had the hardest time when i broke up but eventually i got used to the pain and slowly the pain will faded away.

    Take care

    Guano
    You're very pretty!
    I was known as O d d i s e y ~:toothy4:
  • mrspoppersmrspoppers Posts: 7,223Registered Users
    Best of luck to you.
    When are women going to face the fact that they don’t know their own bodies as well as men who have heard things?

    Don Langrick
    Bonsai Culturist
  • deletedelete Posts: 815Registered Users
    Thank you to everyone for the well wishes. I'm going on 24 and haven't heard from him yet. I don't know how long things like this take. The knots in my stomach get tighter with each passing hour.

    I'm beginning to think that since he hasn't decided yet that we're going to break up. I mean, if someone is The One wouldn't you respond immediately to work things out???

  • journotravelerjournotraveler Posts: 2,816Registered Users
    waiting can be so hard. i don't think you can read anything into his lack of response just yet. people take their own time, especially if it's something very serious and life-altering.

    i also think that, as hard as it is, you have to keep the focus on what *you* want, not what he's doing. it's very hard, especially when you're hurting, but you've got to keep in mind what you want out of this relationship, and why you wrote the letter. don't give away your power. if you don't get the answer you're hoping for, it will hurt in the short term, yes.

    but in the long term, you win, because you are free to pursue--and find--the right relationship for you.
    3B corkscrews with scatterings of 3A & 3C.
  • M2LRM2LR Posts: 8,630Registered Users
    Sarahgrace wrote: »
    Thank you to everyone for the well wishes. I'm going on 24 and haven't heard from him yet. I don't know how long things like this take. The knots in my stomach get tighter with each passing hour.

    I'm beginning to think that since he hasn't decided yet that we're going to break up. I mean, if someone is The One wouldn't you respond immediately to work things out???

    Please don't take this wrong...but don't let HIM decide if you're going to break up. A relationship is the BOTH of you, not one making the decision and the other sticking around. If you aren't happy, and this was indeed the final straw, then YOU make the decision and end it. I know that you might be willing to stick around and keep trying, but if he isn't...then you take that ball and put it in your court. :) Easier said than done, I know, and I know how much you're hurting and how difficult this is.

    I do hope it all works out for you.

    Guano: one of the most difficult things I ever did (to this day) was breaking up with my boyfriend of 4 years. Very hard, I knew that it was never going to go anywhere, etc. But all the same...and I still think about him and "what if" and all of that. But at the same time, where I am is not where I would have been had I stayed with him.
    :rambo:
  • SpunkyCurlsSpunkyCurls Posts: 1,523Registered Users
    M2LR wrote: »
    Sarahgrace wrote: »
    Thank you to everyone for the well wishes. I'm going on 24 and haven't heard from him yet. I don't know how long things like this take. The knots in my stomach get tighter with each passing hour.

    I'm beginning to think that since he hasn't decided yet that we're going to break up. I mean, if someone is The One wouldn't you respond immediately to work things out???

    Please don't take this wrong...but don't let HIM decide if you're going to break up. A relationship is the BOTH of you, not one making the decision and the other sticking around. If you aren't happy, and this was indeed the final straw, then YOU make the decision and end it. I know that you might be willing to stick around and keep trying, but if he isn't...then you take that ball and put it in your court. :) Easier said than done, I know, and I know how much you're hurting and how difficult this is.

    I do hope it all works out for you.

    Guano: one of the most difficult things I ever did (to this day) was breaking up with my boyfriend of 4 years. Very hard, I knew that it was never going to go anywhere, etc. But all the same...and I still think about him and "what if" and all of that. But at the same time, where I am is not where I would have been had I stayed with him.

    +1

    I was with someone for almost 6 years and neither of us could admit it wasn't going anywhere. When we decided to break up I felt devastated. 6mos later he decided he had made a mistake. Although I wasn't over him, I made the decision not to go back. Best decision I've ever made.

    Sometimes the worst times in your life are the catalyst for better times. So no matter what happens in this, you will be fine.
    <insert signature line here>
  • deletedelete Posts: 815Registered Users
    The hardest thing about all of this is that I want to be with him. What I want is to get married and have a wonderful life together. But I think my wants and his differ...and maybe no matter how much we love each other we'll never see eye to eye on certain issues.

    I guess at this point, we need to figure out which issues we can live with for the rest of our lives and which ones are a deal breaker.

  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users
    Please do not let this guy string you along :(
    I wish you the best...you will be okay :)
    0004.gif

    Ever since the sports thread wars I have sensed a special connection between [edit] & Wile. Like the connection oil has to water. I almost can't speak of it. Wait....my eyes are misting. ~asq
    Let’s just stay together and tell the world to kiss our ass. ~P


  • deletedelete Posts: 815Registered Users
    I don't want to be strung along. That's why this is torture. I mean, we've been together 4 years now. So how can this be that hard of a decision for him? He should know whether he wants a life with me or not.

    I'm almost fired up enough to just drive over there and...I don't know. I've moved from sorrow to anger. And now I just want to know if he can really make a commitment and if he can't then I can start to move on.

    Should I just go talk to him or should I wait for him to make the next move?

  • violetsviolets Posts: 1,689Registered Users
    I think that if you talk to him that will give him more of a chance to be wishy washy with you. You have done that hardest part, now it's time to stick with it a bit.
    I would still wait.

    I really do wish you the best.
  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users
    violets wrote: »
    I think that if you talk to him that will give him more of a chance to be wishy washy with you. You have done that hardest part, now it's time to stick with it a bit.
    I would still wait.

    I really do wish you the best.
    ITA..no doubt it's hard, but the ball is in his court...
    0004.gif

    Ever since the sports thread wars I have sensed a special connection between [edit] & Wile. Like the connection oil has to water. I almost can't speak of it. Wait....my eyes are misting. ~asq
    Let’s just stay together and tell the world to kiss our ass. ~P


  • LoloDSMLoloDSM Posts: 3,778Registered Users
    I agree with Violets and Wile, Sarah. Just give it some time. Go see a movie or hang out a bookstore. Something to clear your mind and get you away from the phone.
    Loose botticelli curls and waves
    No silicones/no sulfates since March 2008
  • Rebecca deWinterRebecca deWinter Posts: 2,254Registered Users
    LoloDSM wrote: »
    I agree with Violets and Wile, Sarah. Just give it some time. Go see a movie or hang out a bookstore. Something to clear your mind and get you away from the phone.

    second that.

    i see this as you having the upper hand. i know it doesn't seem that way, but you're on top. you can do what you want. if he can't or won't figure out what he wants and take your feelings seriously, YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH to walk and leave him being indecisive.
    *~*displaced yooper*~*
    :hockey: \m/ \m/
    3069786076_f03f452f63.jpg?v=0
    master quigley and queen ruby, my puppy loves <3
  • redcelticcurlsredcelticcurls Posts: 17,502Registered Users
    Honestly, if he hasn't made a firm comittment in all of this time, I doubt he will now unless it is under duress and not because he wants to. He's had the better end of it all this time. You help him, you help his kid, he still doesn't make a firm comittment.

    Leave him and find a better partner; don't waste your youth on this unappreciative user. It's difficult, but you will be far better off in the long run.
    Kiva! Microfinance works.

    Med/Coarse, porous curly.
  • M2LRM2LR Posts: 8,630Registered Users
    Sarahgrace wrote: »
    The hardest thing about all of this is that I want to be with him. What I want is to get married and have a wonderful life together. But I think my wants and his differ...and maybe no matter how much we love each other we'll never see eye to eye on certain issues.

    I guess at this point, we need to figure out which issues we can live with for the rest of our lives and which ones are a deal breaker.

    Do NOT settle. You will find someone else that you can be with. To me it all ready sounds like your head has made it's decision, now you heart needs to follow.
    Seriously, he hasn't responded to your letter and this is someone you've been with for four years, he shouldn't be doing this, IMO. His actions speak much louder than awritten or verbal response EVER will.
    :rambo:
  • Rebecca deWinterRebecca deWinter Posts: 2,254Registered Users
    M2LR wrote: »
    Sarahgrace wrote: »
    The hardest thing about all of this is that I want to be with him. What I want is to get married and have a wonderful life together. But I think my wants and his differ...and maybe no matter how much we love each other we'll never see eye to eye on certain issues.

    I guess at this point, we need to figure out which issues we can live with for the rest of our lives and which ones are a deal breaker.

    Do NOT settle. You will find someone else that you can be with. To me it all ready sounds like your head has made it's decision, now you heart needs to follow.
    Seriously, he hasn't responded to your letter and this is someone you've been with for four years, he shouldn't be doing this, IMO. His actions speak much louder than awritten or verbal response EVER will.
    l
    i agree
    *~*displaced yooper*~*
    :hockey: \m/ \m/
    3069786076_f03f452f63.jpg?v=0
    master quigley and queen ruby, my puppy loves <3
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 8,660Registered Users
    If he can't decide to make a commitment after 4 years, then he really isn't that interested in commitment. Don't take it personally. It could be anyone. I know it hurts, but you are better off knowing this now & not wasting any more of your time on him. You're still young & it's time to move on. Look at the time you invested in him has a learning experience, not just wasted time. Yes, get angry, but don't contact him. He really isn't worth your time. You need to put him behind you and move on. You are so beautiful & such a nice person. You will probably find someone who will appreciate this about you. You need to concentrate on you and your needs & wants. Be selfish right now. Take care of you.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • deletedelete Posts: 815Registered Users
    So this is what I'm thinking: I told him in the letter that I was giving him a few days to think about things and what he wanted out of this relationship. I'm going to give him until Friday night. If he hasn't contacted me then it's over.

    I will be fair and give him the time I said I would. Maybe he really is feeling like a sh*tface and is thinking about how he can make things right. That's what the optimist in me thinks. (My mom thinks he's game-playing which is probable true but for my sanity I'm going with the former theory.)

    I've turned into one of those girls I hate. I never wanted to be here. But I know I'm going to be okay, no matter what.

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