Birthday party vent

imagenimagen Posts: 343Registered Users
Laura's birthday is April 12th. In early January I started to think about her party, mainly where we were going to have it. We'd like to invite more people than our very small house can comfortably hold, (which is normal, my hubby has a large, tight knit family), so I was looking into renting a party room that is close to our house. I called and the only day they had available is April 11th, so I reluctantly booked it. I was reluctant because the 11th is the day before Easter (which is her birthday this year) and I'm sure there will be people that have things to do the day before, myself included. I figured if I kept the party early and short, 1-3ish, that will be fine. I confirmed it was OK with the people I'll be inviting that I know do things for Easter and they said its fine. I was with my mom as I booked the party so she was aware it will be the 11th from about 1-3. I told her to pass it on to the rest of the family, including my brother and SIL before I get the invites out.

A few weeks later she tells me that my SIL decided to have her party for my nephew on the same day, after Laura's party. :rolleyes: I say "I guess we'll be there after we clean up from Laura's party and take her gifts home." She then says to me "Well, can't you come to the party then go back and clean up?" Um NO! I'm not going to have my party, which is crazy enough, leave my hall a mess so I can get to their party and stay till God knows when, have to come back with two tired kids and have to clean a dirty party room and then go home and still have to make desserts for 2 houses! They knew I had decided on that day, booked a party room and put money down. If they want to have a party on the same day then fine, who am I to say different, but they'll just have to get over it if we're late. Not to mention they have their parties at their house so they could have it any time they wanted. If that is the day that worked best for them then whatever, we'll do what we can.

I know by now that working around each other isn't possible. They aren't willing to compromise with anyone, so I'm facing a future where this is going to be an issue every year. I'm just going to have to do what works best for us. I'm done caving for them.

I'm so F'ing tired of this high school bullsh*t.


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Comments

  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    That sucks - it seems like they're trying to be competitive with you (and over kids' birthday parties - can't imagine why.) It's too bad you can't just have one big family party together since their birthdays are so close. But since you can't, you don't really have much choice than to do what you're going to do. You're right, it makes no sense to leave the party room to go to another party and then come back and clean up. I imagine it will be a long tiring day for your kids, too, and then with Easter the next day, a long, tiring weekend for everyone. That's so inconsiderate of your SIL.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • CGNYCCGNYC Posts: 4,938Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    That really sucks and what makes them think your whole family wants to go to six hours of little kid birthday party on one day? Insane.

    Just ignore. Do your thing, clean up, and you get there when you get there.
  • cymprenicympreni Posts: 9,609Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Totally rude.

    My brother gets competitive with our kids sometimes. I will never understand that kind of thing. Why can't some people let the kidos have their moment?
  • inheritedcurlsinheritedcurls Posts: 2,954Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I'm sorry. That sucks. If I were you I would clean up. Go to your nephew's party but if the kids get too cranky...just leave. Don't stay late. This way your kids can get a good night's sleep before Easter. :)

    I'm thankful that nobody on my side of the family is like this. It's hard enough dealing with it on my husband's side. What's sad...is it's my kids vs. my SIL. No she doesn't have any kids...it's her. She can't stand the attention they get from her parents. She's almost 30 and like this. I'm sure it will be worse when she has kids. I wish now I had never planned a c-section on her birthday. I was given two choices...I wish I had picked the 18th. Oh well. :)

    Hang in there. We're all on your side.
  • PoPo Posts: 2,607Registered Users
    That's sucks. Why would she do that?

    How old are the kids? Are they close enough in age that they can share a party?
    3c/4a
  • sarah42sarah42 Posts: 4,034Registered Users
    Ugh, that's annoying. I agree that you should go ahead with your plans, which you made first, and get to nephew's birthday party when you get there.
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  • imagenimagen Posts: 343Registered Users
    Po, my nephew will be 5, Laura will be 2.

    Being able to have a joint party would make it easier in some aspects, but I just don't see how it could ever happen. We're pretty much on non speaking terms because of past events, so to coordinate anything together or get them to cooperate with anything that isn't exactly what they want is next to impossible. When it comes down to it, I think we both feel that we want our children to have their own parties, for a multitude of reasons.

    This is all the more annoying because if I recall correctly, for the past 5 or so special occassions we've had for our children (Baptism, Aidan's past two birthdays and now Laura's two birthdays) my SIL or her family plan other parties for the same day, from kids and adults birthday parties, to candle and purse parties. Sometimes only my parents are invited, or my mom and I, and they feel obligated to go, so they usually have to leave my party before they would like to just so they don't offend SIL's family. I hate to think they do this on purpose, but it has happened so often now that I'm having a hard time thinking it's purely accidental. SIL usually texts me months in advance of my kids' birthdays to see when they will be, I usually tell her I'm thinking about a particular date and then she gets back to me that her family has something going on that day too. I've changed my plans because of it a couple times in the past but not for the past couple times. I've simply texted her back "That's nice."

    :angry5:
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  • ruralcurlsruralcurls Posts: 2,574Registered Users
    I am sorry. My kids would never be able to handle two birthday parties in a row like that, we definitely would be skipping the nephew's party.

    Not that this has anything do to with that, my daughter will be 3 on April 9. :occasion4:
  • cymprenicympreni Posts: 9,609Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    ruralcurls wrote: »
    I am sorry. My kids would never be able to handle two birthday parties in a row like that, we definitely would be skipping the nephew's party.


    I don't think I know many little kids who could handle 6 hours of party. That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I can barely hand my boys after just 1 party. They do fine during, but afterwards. . . post-over-stimulation nightmare!
  • imagenimagen Posts: 343Registered Users
    cympreni wrote: »
    ruralcurls wrote: »
    I am sorry. My kids would never be able to handle two birthday parties in a row like that, we definitely would be skipping the nephew's party.


    I don't think I know many little kids who could handle 6 hours of party. That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I can barely hand my boys after just 1 party. They do fine during, but afterwards. . . post-over-stimulation nightmare!

    I'm definitely afraid of this as well, especially because at any party bro and SIL hold, my son is made out to be the bad kid and my daughter is made out to be clingy and cranky compared to the other children. Truth is, all the other kids there know eachother and play together often and like to exclude Aidan, which really upsets him. Since none of the other parents are paying attention to their kids I have to mediate, which makes it look like Aidan is the one causing problems. Laura isn't used to big crowds with lots of kids and strangers so she does get clingy which to me is totally understandable. On top of that, they're both going to be tired and overwhelmed that day, so I'm not looking forward to the second party, for sure.

    It's to the point that I don't go to their parties unless hubby is able to come with me. With Aidan getting bullied, Laura being clingy, SIL's catty family constantly making backhanded comments about how my kids are inferior to their family's kids I can't handle it myself. At my nieces party in December we had to leave early because my husband had to work and we came in one car, of course everyone was so highly offended. It's alright that they leave all of our parties early though.

    At this point, I don't even care if we're offending brother and SIL. I know we're going to one way or another no matter what we do. I do feel bad about the relationship between my family and my niece and nephew suffering. It's not their fault their parents are jerks. I wish our kids could be friends. :(
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  • ruralcurlsruralcurls Posts: 2,574Registered Users
    Do you really have to go the the nephew's party?

    I really would skip it and if they are offended, oh well. I have tried to stop worrying about what other people in my family are doing, and if they will be mad at me. Sometimes, you just have to do what is best for you. We have pretty much stopped getting together with family on holidays because they insist on eating way too late for us, it was not any fun for any of us. In fact this year, we didn't even get invited to the holiday dinners.

    My nieces are a bit older than my kids, so I didn't expect them to invite my kids to their birthday parties. And I was okay with that, until I found out their friend's sister who is just a year older than my daughter was at two of the parties I am thinking of. I was mad, but it really doesn't do any good to be mad, or to keep track of these things. I was pleasantly surprised when my kids got an invite to one of their parties this year.

    I have tried to stop holding grudges about certain things, and while it is hard, it is better to stop keeping track and be glad for the times when we do get together.

    As far as wanting the kids to be friends, are they allowed to come over and play without the parents? Or with just your brother?
  • mad scientistmad scientist Posts: 3,530Registered Users
    That's just nuts, she HAS to be doing this stuff on purpose.

    I'd be skipping the second birthday party. You are busy, your kids are going to be tired and its not like any of you are going to have a good time anyways.

    If you want to get the kids together sometimes I'd do it outside of a birthday party - too much stress and drama!

    Stick to your guns and enjoy your baby girl's birthday party.
  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users Curl Neophyte
    That's just nuts, she HAS to be doing this stuff on purpose.

    I'd be skipping the second birthday party. You are busy, your kids are going to be tired and its not like any of you are going to have a good time anyways.

    If you want to get the kids together sometimes I'd do it outside of a birthday party - too much stress and drama!

    Stick to your guns and enjoy your baby girl's birthday party.
    Absolutely!
    And try not to worry... I know it's hard :)
    btw..sounds like another GP in the fam... :thumbdown:
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    Ever since the sports thread wars I have sensed a special connection between [edit] & Wile. Like the connection oil has to water. I almost can't speak of it. Wait....my eyes are misting. ~asq
    Let’s just stay together and tell the world to kiss our ass. ~P


  • curly_keltiecurly_keltie Posts: 791Registered Users
    All I can say is yikes!!!

    As for going to the second birthday party, I would be surprised if your 2 year old even makes it. I had DS's 2nd Birthday party from 3-5 and he fell asleep on the way home and didn't wake until the next morning.

    I would be tempted to skip the 2nd birthday party altogether. Send along a gift with your regrets. Or perhaps you could take a minute to talk to your nephew at your daughter's party. Something along the lines of "Sorry buddy, we can't make it to your party today...but I have a special gift for you." He'll be fine with it and your SIL will just have to deal.
    Long, blonde, 3a/mostly b hair.

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  • imagenimagen Posts: 343Registered Users
    That's just nuts, she HAS to be doing this stuff on purpose.

    I'd be skipping the second birthday party. You are busy, your kids are going to be tired and its not like any of you are going to have a good time anyways.

    If you want to get the kids together sometimes I'd do it outside of a birthday party - too much stress and drama!

    Stick to your guns and enjoy your baby girl's birthday party.
    Absolutely!
    And try not to worry... I know it's hard :)
    btw..sounds like another GP in the fam... :thumbdown:

    I don't know, I think I would feel guilty if I missed my nephew's party. While I really do not want to go to another party, any party, after already hosting my own, I would never hear the end of it. In the very least we should make an appearance. We're just going to have to see how it goes and how the kids hold up. He is my nephew and like I said, this situation isn't his fault.

    Oh, Wile E, this brother definitely is the GP in the family. First born, spoiled rotten, self-centered, materialistic, manipulative..I'll stop there. He is my brother and I love him, I just don't like the person he is very much. The sad thing is he used to be a decent person before he met SIL and had children with her, she makes him a miserable person. He's even Aidan's godfather. He used to do special things with him but now he just thinks he is a problem child. My family walks on eggshells around them so they don't get upset and throw hissy fits. I'm not doing it anymore.

    It's such a shame for the kids. They're cousins and I would love it if they could be close. I think my SIL tells my nephew to be mean to Aidan, he was so cruel to him the last time they were together. :(
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  • ZinniaZinnia Posts: 7,339Registered Users
    imagen wrote: »

    I think my SIL tells my nephew to be mean to Aidan, he was so cruel to him the last time they were together. :(

    I don't have kids, and I am not close to my extended family. But if some kid, even my nephew, was cruel to my kid, no way would I go to that party. Especially since the other kids are also mean to Aidan.

    I realize you don't want to hear the flack from them, but why would you want to put your kid in a situation where kids are mean to him on purpose?

    I would do as Mad Scientist suggested...give a gift and make apologies for not attending.
    Life shrinks or expands according to one's courage. Anais Nin
  • cymprenicympreni Posts: 9,609Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    This whole situation reeks of hardcore manipulation. You seem to get flack either way, so I'd just stop playing their game and not go. They don't seem want you there anyways except to drag you down to make themselves feel better.
  • sarah42sarah42 Posts: 4,034Registered Users
    cympreni wrote: »
    This whole situation reeks of hardcore manipulation. You seem to get flack either way, so I'd just stop playing their game and not go. They don't seem want you there anyways except to drag you down to make themselves feel better.

    Agree. It's up to you and your husband, of course, but you might be better off just washing your hands of the situation and avoiding them.
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  • mad scientistmad scientist Posts: 3,530Registered Users
    imagen wrote: »
    It's such a shame for the kids. They're cousins and I would love it if they could be close. I think my SIL tells my nephew to be mean to Aidan, he was so cruel to him the last time they were together. :(

    I'm sorry. It makes me so sad to read that. I assume Aidan isn't old enough to understand that the others are being intentionally mean to him? He will soon enough, though.
  • imagenimagen Posts: 343Registered Users
    imagen wrote: »
    It's such a shame for the kids. They're cousins and I would love it if they could be close. I think my SIL tells my nephew to be mean to Aidan, he was so cruel to him the last time they were together. :(

    I'm sorry. It makes me so sad to read that. I assume Aidan isn't old enough to understand that the others are being intentionally mean to him? He will soon enough, though.

    It really upsets me. Aidan doesn't really understand, he would never think that his cousin would be mean to him on purpose, but it's not like this hasn't happened before. They generally don't play well together because my nephew doesn't share well with Aidan, so I just tell Aidan to leave him alone and I'll play something with him. Hubby and I try to keep our feelings about bro and SIL to ourselves so we don't affect the relationship between them and the kids, and between the cousins. It's pretty much pointless though, as it appears they really don't care to have much of a relationship. On the rare occasion we do get together, I'm affectionate to their kids and like to play with them. It's the total opposite for them, they're barely ever affectionate to my kids and generally act like they're trying their best to ignore they're even there unless my kids go directly up to them.

    I don't know why I'm holding on to hope that things will ever get better between us or they'll start caring about our kids. I just feel that family is so important, and if we just cut ties with them all together it will be something we'll regret later in life. There's only so much effort we can put into keeping the peace and having a relationship though, with them not only putting forth no effort, but often making things worse.
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  • ZinniaZinnia Posts: 7,339Registered Users
    You don't have to cut all ties, but you can limit the amount of time you spend with them. Can you not spend time with them outside of parties and other family get togethers?

    At 7, I could tell when kids were being mean to me. I would hate for A to think it were his fault that cousin/aunt/uncle doesn't like him.
    Life shrinks or expands according to one's courage. Anais Nin
  • Jenny CJenny C Posts: 1,195Registered Users
    You know, the more I think about this the madder I get.

    Your SIL has some nerve planning parties the same day as yours. If it was a one time thing, I'd say go, but the fact that she's done this multiple times is infuriating!

    She's totally doing this on purpose and I say who the F cares if she's offended you didn't go to her party. YOU should be offended she's having a party after yours.

    With people like that you can't win either way so your best bet is to worry about yourself and don't feel an ounce of guilt.

    If your kids were dying to go because they have a great time at with their cousins it would make the decision much harder, but the fact that your kids are going to be miserable make this a no brainer IMO.
    If you got nothing to bring to the table - don't even bother sitting down.
  • imagenimagen Posts: 343Registered Users
    Windflower wrote: »
    At 7, I could tell when kids were being mean to me. I would hate for A to think it were his fault that cousin/aunt/uncle doesn't like him.

    As much as we try to keep it from him, Aidan understands that the differences are between us and bro and SIL. Unfortunately there have been enough conversations that have occurred with him around that he understands that we just don't get along. I don't think it would ever occur to him that his Aunt and Uncle don't like him, and I'm not even sure it's a matter of them not liking him. It's more a matter that they think thier children are perfect and mine have issues. I think they love him, but they think he's a problem child.

    The last time Aidan and nephew saw eachother, nephew was very cold and dismissive to Aidan, who was excited to see his cousin. I could tell Aidan was confused and hurt. I tried to explain it the best I could to him, but I didn't understand it myself. My nephew is usually excited to see Aidan, but then gets frustrated when they play together and has to share and Aidan doesn't do exactly what he wants. It usually ends up with me separating the kids because they end up yelling at eachother out of frustration. That's normal for them, but nephews behavior the last time was downright malicious. I couldn't figure why a 4 year old would turn around and behave like that unless his parents are talking negatively to him about Aidan. I could be wrong though.

    We couldn't cut them out anymore unless we don't see them on birthdays and holidays. I'm not going to stop celebrating holidays with my other family so that is unavoidable. The only other thing we could do was to stop inviting them to our childrens' birthday parties.

    Edited to add: It's funny. SIL just texted me to ask what size clothes she should buy Laura for her birthday. It would be hilarious if she were reading this!
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  • cymprenicympreni Posts: 9,609Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    imagen wrote: »
    I don't know why I'm holding on to hope that things will ever get better between us or they'll start caring about our kids. I just feel that family is so important, and if we just cut ties with them all together it will be something we'll regret later in life. There's only so much effort we can put into keeping the peace and having a relationship though, with them not only putting forth no effort, but often making things worse.

    Family is a group of people that love, support and care for each other. Blood and marriage do not make a family. IME you never regret cutting out or limiting toxic people in your life, no matter their relationship, but I know many people who regret not doing it.
  • inheritedcurlsinheritedcurls Posts: 2,954Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Jenny C wrote: »
    You know, the more I think about this the madder I get.

    Your SIL has some nerve planning parties the same day as yours. If it was a one time thing, I'd say go, but the fact that she's done this multiple times is infuriating!

    She's totally doing this on purpose and I say who the F cares if she's offended you didn't go to her party. YOU should be offended she's having a party after yours.

    With people like that you can't win either way so your best bet is to worry about yourself and don't feel an ounce of guilt.

    If your kids were dying to go because they have a great time at with their cousins it would make the decision much harder, but the fact that your kids are going to be miserable make this a no brainer IMO.

    I second this. If it makes you all miserable there is no point in going. I wouldn't give up seeing your parents and other siblings at other family functions..but I would quit going specifically to functions they plan. This way you can avoid SIL's family treating yours like crap.
  • imagenimagen Posts: 343Registered Users
    Jenny C wrote: »
    You know, the more I think about this the madder I get.

    Your SIL has some nerve planning parties the same day as yours. If it was a one time thing, I'd say go, but the fact that she's done this multiple times is infuriating!

    She's totally doing this on purpose and I say who the F cares if she's offended you didn't go to her party. YOU should be offended she's having a party after yours.

    With people like that you can't win either way so your best bet is to worry about yourself and don't feel an ounce of guilt.

    If your kids were dying to go because they have a great time at with their cousins it would make the decision much harder, but the fact that your kids are going to be miserable make this a no brainer IMO.

    I second this. If it makes you all miserable there is no point in going. I wouldn't give up seeing your parents and other siblings at other family functions..but I would quit going specifically to functions they plan. This way you can avoid SIL's family treating yours like crap.

    You guys are right. And as far as my brother and SIL go, I don't really care to see them or whether they're offended by it. I do care if my niece and nephew think I don't care about them. When it comes down to it I could cut my brother and SIL out with no problem, but then how do I maintain a relationship with their kids?

    Do I just not go to functions they plan and come up with an excuse and hope they get the point, or should I tell them outright that we don't care to go to their functions because we obviously don't get along and our kids don't particularly get along either? What would you say?
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  • ZinniaZinnia Posts: 7,339Registered Users
    I think I have misread...is your nephew 4 or 8 years old?
    Life shrinks or expands according to one's courage. Anais Nin
  • imagenimagen Posts: 343Registered Users
    Windflower wrote: »
    I think I have misread...is your nephew 4 or 8 years old?

    He's 4.
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  • ZinniaZinnia Posts: 7,339Registered Users
    He is four and that mean? Wow. It has be coming from the parents...do you ever babysit nephew? Is he mean when he is there without his parents?

    Aiden at 7 enjoys playing with him and the other 4 year olds?
    Life shrinks or expands according to one's courage. Anais Nin
  • imagenimagen Posts: 343Registered Users
    Windflower wrote: »
    He is four and that mean? Wow. It has be coming from the parents...do you ever babysit nephew? Is he mean when he is there without his parents?

    Aiden at 7 enjoys playing with him and the other 4 year olds?

    I rarely babysit, but when I do and they are together there are some problems. The thing is that my nephew doesn't share well and likes to play alone a lot, which upsets Aidan. They'll be playing with something like matchbox cars or trains and a track and my nephew will freak out if Aidan tries to play the same thing, although there is plenty for them to share. That is normal. He even yells at Aidan to leave the room, I have no idea how he thinks he can talk to other kids like that. He is very respectful to me though, which leads me to believe that they've told him to be mean to Aidan.
    What happened the last time was so much worse than normal. My nephew was just really rude and mean. I can't even believe a 4 year old can behave like that!
    At my nephew’s parties, there about a 10 kids there usually, most of them are around Aidan's age, matter of fact. Aidan will play with kids of all ages. But those kids were their neighbors and have played together often. All the kids know each other except Aidan. They're very exclusionary and snarky, like a gang mentality. I just don't know how such young kids can be so mean?
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