CurlTalk

My mom will never drop-it, will she?

My mom has never been a fan of my hair.

I am a grown woman now (weird to say that out loud!) and people compliment my hair all the time. I love my hair. I have never wanted straight hair...

But my mom doesn't like it. I am at the point where I cannot go to my mom with any kind of problem because she'll blame my hair...(according to her, my hair is the reason I have a hard time finding jobs or boyfriends...forget the fact that the economy sucks right now and I'm in a field where I pretty much just meet gay guys...oh, no...it's all about my hair!)

The other night, we were watching my cousin's 3-year-old daughter. (My uncle had passed away that morning...even when we're in mourning...she still finds time to criticize!)

We gave her a bath and my mom was combing out her hair and blowing it out before she went to bed. (Her hair is pretty straight.)

Mom: (to me) I used to LOVE doing this to your hair...I'd comb it and blow-it out and make it SO straight and SO shiny...that's probably why you wear your hair the way you do now...because you're rebelling...

Okay, how am I rebelling by WEARING MY HAIR THE WAY IT GROWS OUT OF MY SCALP NATURALLY??????

Am I walking around with a pink mohawk?


It's SO frustrating and upsetting.

She then kept going on and on about how much she LOVES straight and shiny hair...

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

And it made me want to grab that little girl before she can start criticizing something about her...

Comments

  • SunshineGrrlSunshineGrrl Posts: 3,823Registered Users
    Funny, isn't it? My grandma used to do the same thing, except with my weight. It didn't matter how good I looked, how much weight I had recently lost, how successful I was in my job, it would always be just that much better if I just lost a little more weight. It finally hit a head when she told me (at the ripe old age of 19) that if I would lose weight, I could get married and fulfill my duty as a woman.

    Right. I was mad. Livid. Furious. For a looooonnnnnnggggg time. Then my cousin helped me realize that holding onto that resentment was only making me bitter, not her. Once I learned to let it roll off my back (a big pill to take), our relationship was better and eventually she simmered down. Mostly because I stopped reacting, I think.

    I'm not saying this is the way to handle it. I'm just saying that someone always wants just a little better for us and thinking that if we change something, that thing will come to pass keeps them pushing. As unreal as it seems, she's doing it because she really does care and love you. Just remember that, blithely smile and do what you want anyway.

    But I hear you. Boy, do I hear you!

  • jillipoojillipoo Posts: 3,795Registered Users
    I think SunshineGrrl is on to something. I would also add that when someone is as obsessed about something as your mother is with straight hair, the obsession is a lot more about her than it is about you. Somewhere along the line, she got information convincing her that curls meant something negative. Or that straight hair unlocked doors to happiness. She is so attached to this idea (and what its basis is) that she can't see beyond it to the fact that her comments might be hurting your feelings.

    The only ways to deal with this are either to confront her about why she feels as she does (and if your mother is anything like mine, this approach will result in confusion, tears, misinterpretations, and blame) or just ignore her comments as you might ignore the ramblings of an insane person. (I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I've found the latter approach has been effective for me with my parents.)

    Try to remember that she isn't criticizing you as much as her brain is stuck in an endless loop of preconceived notions not based on anything real.

    I think it's wonderful that you continue to love your curls, despite this irritating stream of criticism.
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  • AdrinaAdrina Banned Posts: 107Banned Users
    Ha, ha it's always something with mothers, isn't it? They always think they know what's best for us. My mom doesn't complain about my curls, but she wants me to cut my hair. She buys into the "long hair is for youth" ideal.
  • sharon5152sharon5152 Posts: 207Registered Users
    I also believe in using humor; my mom has always criticized my hair--you need a haircut, there's too much for your small face, etc., etc. Used to make me crazy; then I used to steal myself for the comments, because they'd be the first ones she'd make upon seeing me. Now, I just shrug, saying "I love it like this!" I have never bothered talking about the CG method with her, because there would be no point. Giving up the need for mom's approval...it's tough!
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  • CGNYCCGNYC Posts: 4,937Registered Users
    I'm sorry. It sucks when you never hear anything nice from your parent.

    My mom used to greet me with, "Oh my God, your clothes/hair/makeup/shoes/" when I'd come home from high school/college/living 1200 miles away. When I was about 26 and visiting for the first time in about a year I finally said, "Gee, Mom, the way you'd talk to me, it's like you don't love me and want me around" and walked away. I didn't pick a fight but I let her stew on it. She's been a lot nicer the past ten years or so. But that's exactly how I felt - like she just had NOTHING nice to say to me.

    I think sometimes parents don't "hear" how they talk to their kids. You might need to tell her that it would be nice to hear something nice for a change.
  • rara171rara171 Posts: 55Registered Users
    wow.
    i'm so excited i'm not the only one whose mom bashes their hair.

    crazy thing is my mom has curly hair too. she used to get her hair done every week, now she fell in love with a sedu and is obsessed.

    when i tried CG she didn't like how tightly curled my hair became. i just cut my hair a while ago because of breakage (bad maintenance) and she blames it on me having my hair curly.

    i agree and disagree with some of her arguments, but i will always love my hair.

    yay curlies.
    :)
    ...2nd day hair??...
    ...i'm still working on the first day...

  • burgundy_locksburgundy_locks Posts: 2,420Registered Users
    awww, i'm sorry that that's happening to you! luckily, my mom ALWAYS thinks my hair looks nice, even when it looks like crap! But because i listened to everyone else, i would ALWAYS straighten my hair (not chemically- just flat iron). Now im going back to wearing it curly (i;ve had it curly for a couple weeks now... thats a record) but i have relatives asking why my hair looks like this, or when i'm gonna do it, or i;m going to scare my bf's away... i dont like to insult people especially my 'elder's ' but this one particular relative is always getting under my skin, so i was tell her to stop being jealous that my bf loves it and tell how it's too bad that she's not exotic like i am and tends to blend in as i stand out! I've been so tempted to flaten it out again, but i'm not going to do it, EXPECIALLY since this one particular lady bugs me. I feel like i have to prove the point that hair is not SUPPOSED to be str8. Maybe by embracing my natural curly, she and others will come around.

    Good luck!
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  • ninja dogninja dog Posts: 23,780Registered Users
    Maybe Wayne Brady is going to have to choke the
    .

    JUST KIDDING!
  • SoaringSirenSoaringSiren Posts: 765Registered Users
    Adrina wrote: »
    Ha, ha it's always something with mothers, isn't it? They always think they know what's best for us. My mom doesn't complain about my curls, but she wants me to cut my hair. She buys into the "long hair is for youth" ideal.

    Girl, you have hit the nail on the head! My mom ALWAYS think she's right and knows what is best for me.

    But concerning length, my mom is the opposite. She's for long hair for all ages!

    She likes my curly hair, but since she grew up with long hair, she thinks I should always have long hair because "I look prettier that way." Every time I tell her I'm getting a haircut, even if it's just a trim, she always gives me the 'Don't cut it too short!!!' lecture.

    I've gotten to the point where I just don't tell her I'm getting a haircut anymore, I just do it and let her be surprised when I come home with a new style. :)

    In fact, I just recently I got a very cute short cut. I wanted something new and I hadn't worn my hair short in about 4 years. Of course, when my mom saw it, she did not like it AT ALL. She even went so far as to try and give me the 'I told you so' line when I went to sleep with it partially wet and woke up with a bad mess on my head. I knew why it looked like crap so I ignored her.

    When I went to work, I got nothing but compliments from everyone but one lady, who is also a long hair lover, like my mom (they're both filipino too, surprise surprise! ;)) She didn't say it looked terrible, just that she liked it better long.

    I told my mom this when I got home, and she took that one woman's opinion and preached it like gospel just because it was the same view as her own. Forget the fact that 99.9% of the people I talked to loved my hair. Nope, these 2 individuals are the ones who are right and everyone else is lying.

    That's what she likes to say...'I'm your mom and I'm the only one who will tell you things truthfully. Everyone else will lie to you.' Seriously, that's what she says.

    It's sad, really. I mean, why go through life thinking everyone else is lying to you except your mom? I just shrug it off though. She likes my hair curly...but not short. Can't win them all, I guess :)
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  • BoomygrrlBoomygrrl Posts: 4,940Registered Users
    Mothers have a way of doing this. Luckily, hair isn't my mother's issue...but she has her own issues. Uggh!
    I agree with Jillipoo's assessment that this is more about your mother's cognitive distortions. Try not to take it personally. I also agree that humor is a good way of dealing with the situation.
    When my mother kept giving me advice, I told her "that from now on, when you give me advice, I'm going to tell you "Thanks mom, I will give that some thought" but then I will do whatever I want." She and I laughed, but that's exactly what I do now. Sometimes my mom gives good advice and I take it, but at other times, I just listen to it and that's the end of it. Being direct with her, although it came across funny at the time, I think it helped my mom know that it's okay to talk to me about issues but ultimately I make the decision about my own life. She still nags at my brothers, but she really doesn't nag at me anymore.
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  • CanItBeChristineCanItBeChristine Posts: 6,343Registered Users
    We had a MAJOR fight the other day.

    She lives in another state, and I haven't seen her since I started this thread.

    I was feeling a little down...a lot of my close girl friends are paired off, I don't have people to hang-out with on weekends, and I made the HORRIBLE mistake of confiding ANYTHING in her.

    Somehow?

    She managed to use it as a chance to attack my hair.

    It was basically...

    "Your hair is the root (no pun intended) of all your problems. Your hair is the reason you don't have a boyfriend. Your hair is the reason you don't have friends to hang out with on the weekends. Your hair is the reason you can't hold-down a job."

    She said WOMEN aren't supposed to have long curly hair.

    (Ummmm?)

    Everybody compliments my hair. My hair is my favorite feature. I have a bit of a Samson complex, I NEED my hair. I love my hair. Isn't that enough?

    Strangers stop me to compliment me about it on the street...doesn't that say something?

    I told her that everybody else seems to be okay with me and the way I look but her. "The NEXT time you come to me with your problems, go talk to your little friends who tell you you're beautiful and that they like your hair instead of someone who is going to be honest with you because they care about you."

    I kept telling her that "I" like my hair, and that SHOULD be all that matters, and I feel if it ain't broke, don't fix it...she then said:

    "Then I guess you're perfect and all your problems can just be blamed on everybody else around you."

    (I NEVER SAID THAT! BUT WHY SHOULD IT BE BLAMED ON MY HAIR? MY HAIR HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! I NEVER ASKED FOR ADVICE OR SHOWED ANY UNHAPPINESS WITH MY HAIR!)

    I'm so upset. So upset :( I just want her to stop.
  • curlygirlymecurlygirlyme Posts: 1,340Registered Users
    I don't get Mom's like these... my mom too. Aren't they supposed to love us they way we were made? Just say that to her next time... lets see what she has to say to that. After that just laugh about it and don't let it bug you. I'd feel sorry for her that she just can't get past it.

    Just a little story... I was standing in the store the other day when I realized I was they only person with curly hair. A lady came up to me and asked me how I got such nice hair. So I told her my story and she said it must be nice to not blend in. I thought that was awesome. Yeah it is nice to to look like the rest of the herd LOL. You might add something like that as well next time she make her rude comments.
  • alot_of_curlsalot_of_curls Posts: 149Registered Users
    I know how that feels, my mom has straight hair and she wants me to treat my hair as if it was straight but I tell her all the time its not straight and Im not gonna have straight hair ever, we argue a lot b.c of the ways I do my hair its annoying but I love my mom lol
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  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,059 Administrator
    My grandmother (mom's mom) always took me to the hairdresser as soon as my hair touched my collar or my ears and had all my curls chopped off. She hated my hair because she thought it was a big bush and too messy. I never got over that. I fought my hair tooth and nail to get rid of the curls. My grandmother died when I was 14 but the message stuck for years until I finally decided to learn to love my hair. It's your hair, your hair, and not your mothers. I just get really quiet when people have negative comments on my hair. I don't answer and start talking about something else. Most people will get a clue. It just takes mothers longer to let something go - trust me - I'm one who is learning to let her child have his own opinion and let go.

    And yes, curly haired people do get married -- my husband can tell you he thinks curls are sexier than straight hair anyday!
  • alot_of_curlsalot_of_curls Posts: 149Registered Users
    lol its kind of funny because my mom argues about my cuts too she doesnt want me to get layers in my hair but I need them because I have a lot of hair, She also gets mad whenn I sleep with my hair wet she says and I quote "your hairs gonna rot" xD shes soo hilarious
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  • ninja dogninja dog Posts: 23,780Registered Users
    I'm sorry, CIBC. I saw your picture in the Gilbert thread and think both you and your hair are adorable.
  • wild~hairwild~hair Posts: 9,890Registered Users
    CIBC, your hair is gorgeous. Seriously.

    Your mom doesn't know what she's talking about. I know it's hard, 'cause she's your mom, but you need to figure out how to relate to her in a way that keeps you a safe distance from the craziness.

    I love my mom and we do get along, but it wasn't always this way. There are HUGE, broad swaths of topics of conversations that we cannot go near. It's just better that way.

    If I can do it, you can too!
  • kellygreen49kellygreen49 Posts: 625Registered Users
    "Okay, how am I rebelling by WEARING MY HAIR THE WAY IT GROWS OUT OF MY SCALP NATURALLY??????"
    HAHA!

    I couldn't help but giggle when I read that.
    Yeah, my Mom does the same. She asked me to straighten my hair last week "just to see the cut" (got a trim), and then all of a sudden- "Oh, now that it's straightened and looks so cute, why not where it that way to church tomorrow?"
    Me: "Gee Mom, subtle."

    *Shakes head*

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  • SunshineGrrlSunshineGrrl Posts: 3,823Registered Users
    I'm so sorry you keep going the rounds with your mom! I can't imagine what that would be like. Luckily, both my parents are pretty chill (unlike my grandparents, who were very opinionated...spawned most of my "issues").

    I do know how you feel, though. All my friends are married. I do hang out with them, but it's sometimes difficult, being the alone one. I don't even have a gay friend I could take because he's taken, too. Curse partners sometimes!

    Rock on with your hair, I say! It's my favorite part about being in cosmetology school. I'm distinctive. People remember curly hair. There are too many "blondes" or "redheads" or "brunettes," but not many with curly hair. That means it's easier for my clients to request me again. It makes you memorable. Remember that. Hopefully, my curls bounce back soon and I can be distinctive with my curly hair again instead of my purple glasses (hey, I've gotta have a schtick (sp?) for people to remember me).

  • kayemmkay159kayemmkay159 Posts: 171Registered Users
    I totally understand. For the longest time i straightened my hair every day and all she said was "why don't you just wear your hair curly sometimes its looks so much prettier?" so im like ughh okay. so once i started doing that all she ever says is why don't you straighten your hair, you don't even have curly hair you just blow dry it that way. and proceeds to tell me i'm faking my curlieness. sigh...

    it sounds like a good idea though to just tell her to support me, and stop criticizing me without starting a fight.
  • tinahtinah Posts: 1,195Registered Users
    It really does suck when your mom gives you crap about something like that. My mother used to call me Roseanne Roseanna Danna because of my hair. To be fair, at the time, that's exactly what it looked like. She never really gave me any trouble for my hair being curly but if it looked bad, she'd let me know. which was fine because it usually did look bad when she said something. Perhaps a lesson in genetics is in order for your mom. It's really more her fault your hair is curly than yours.

    However, with all that being said I will say this. My mom died seven years ago. I'd gladly take the Roseanne Roseanna Danna comments every single day if it meant I could have her back. Let the comments go. There are way more important things in life. Don't spend the time you have with your mom arguing over something as trivial as how you wear your hair. Let her say what she needs to and let it go.
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  • hnasahnasa Posts: 1Registered Users
    My mom is exactly the oposite. One day (a long time ago) she heard me complain about my curls and she said "You have no idea how lucky you are. People pay hundreds and hundreds of dolars to try to make thir hair do what your hair does naturally"

    And curls have nothing to do with being single. guys are always touching my hair. They love it. Ever since I was little guys have just walked up behind me to "doink" a curl.

    Something that I find that works with other girls who are critical about my hair is the "I feel. . . about. . . because" method For example

    "I feel sad/offended/upset when you critisize my curls because it has taken me a long to time to love my curls this much, and I don't want to start hating them again."

    Try not to use the words angry, mad, or other extremely negative emotions because then they get defensive and there's no hope then.