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If your newish SO revealed s/he currently has an STD, would you stay? go?

The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,738Registered Users
I know what some of you will say... Phoenix! On top of everything else, now this?! I would've already been gone! But this isn't about my SO... Just hypothetically and let's say the rest of the relationship is good.

Stay? Go?
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  • TrenellTrenell Posts: 3,562Registered Users
    HAD? Are they disease free, now? I'd be ok. ish happens sometimes.
  • jeamariajeamaria Posts: 1,851Registered Users
    Hell, no. Honestly, I wouldn't leave it up to them to tell me anyway. Testing is a must!

    A lot of people who would refuse to be with someone that copped to having somethin are the same people that would be with someone w/o testing. I don't see much of a difference between the two. I mean, if you use a condom w/someone who you *know* has gonorrhea you're not more likely to get it than if you don't know whether they have it or not.

    If they had something curable in the past and they were 100% disease free, no that wouldn't be an issue.
  • PoPo Posts: 2,607Registered Users
    It depends.
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  • CurlyminxCurlyminx Posts: 5,581Registered Users
    it depends. What std? How long ago, etc etc.
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  • M2LRTooM2LRToo Posts: 446Registered Users
    curlymix wrote: »
    it depends. What std? How long ago, etc etc.

    Yes, and what's "newish?" Are we talking like a month into it, 3 months into it, 6 months, etc.
  • newcurlynewcurly Posts: 1,310Registered Users
    jeamaria wrote: »
    Hell, no. Honestly, I wouldn't leave it up to them to tell me anyway. Testing is a must!

    A lot of people who would refuse to be with someone that copped to having somethin are the same people that would be with someone w/o testing. I don't see much of a difference between the two. I mean, if you use a condom w/someone who you *know* has gonorrhea you're not more likely to get it than if you don't know whether they have it or not.

    If they had something curable in the past and they were 100% disease free, no that wouldn't be an issue.
    Actually, statistically you are MUCH more likely to get an STD from a known infection than from an untested/status unknown partner.
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  • BoomygrrlBoomygrrl Posts: 4,940Registered Users
    The OP title says "had" as in past tense. If that's the case, it wouldn't be an issue...unless there's a story behind it that would scare me off.
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  • LisaF1163LisaF1163 Posts: 1,079Registered Users
    curlymix wrote: »
    it depends. What std? How long ago, etc etc.
    Exactly. There are a lot of factors, it's a very "it depends" sort of answer.
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  • MimsTXMimsTX Posts: 3,482Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    It depends on a LOT of things for me. If it was a 'minor' STD (think HPV), I don't think it's necessarily a deal breaker. Something major like herpes or AIDS or the like (the 'incurables') would be harder. Still, if I really loved someone... I dunno. Maybe I could live with it. That being said, if it's a 'newish' relationship, that kind of love would be pretty rare...

    ugh. definitely a 'i don't know' question. Someone with an STD doesn't deserve to be sad and lonely just because of a past mistake that damn near everyone else has probably made as well. *shrug* not necessarily, anyways.
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  • M2LRTooM2LRToo Posts: 446Registered Users
    MimsTX wrote: »
    It depends on a LOT of things for me. If it was a 'minor' STD (think HPV), I don't think it's necessarily a deal breaker. Something major like herpes or AIDS or the like (the 'incurables') would be harder. Still, if I really loved someone... I dunno. Maybe I could live with it. That being said, if it's a 'newish' relationship, that kind of love would be pretty rare...

    ugh. definitely a 'i don't know' question. Someone with an STD doesn't deserve to be sad and lonely just because of a past mistake that damn near everyone else has probably made as well. *shrug* not necessarily, anyways.

    While I know what you mean...HPV isn't "curable" either, and it can become a major problem if the woman who gets it gets cancer.
  • mrspoppersmrspoppers Posts: 7,223Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I said "other" because it depends on a lot of things. If it was long ago and it's now cured, no harm, no foul. Many people are STD-free only because of luck, not necessarily because they have lived a chaste life or always practiced safe sex. On the other hand, there are people who have STDs because they are in what they thought was a committed relationship that really isn't.

    If the person revealed they currently have an STD after we've had sex, I'm gone. Condoms do not offer 100% protection and there are certain STDs that condoms only provide minimal protection from.

    Between those two extremes is a lot of gray area and it depends on the situation.
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  • jeamariajeamaria Posts: 1,851Registered Users
    newcurly: I did not mean any untested partner period, I meant someone who had the disease and just was not tested compared to someone who was aware of their status. My point is I wouldn't want to take an unnecessary risk whether I was aware of it or not.

    I think the reason the OP's use of "had" in the title is causing confusion is because this language does not have a very defined conditional tense. I think she means if they told you they currently had one, though.

    If she was referring to the past wouldn't she have said, "If your newish SO revealed s/he had had an STD, would you stay?" Phoenix, it would really help if you popped into the thread and clarified. ;) It could be that your wording is skewing the responses.
  • jeamariajeamaria Posts: 1,851Registered Users
    mrspoppers wrote: »
    I said "other" because it depends on a lot of things. If it was long ago and it's now cured, no harm, no foul. Many people are STD-free only because of luck, not necessarily because they have lived a chaste life or always practiced safe sex. On the other hand, there are people who have STDs because they are in what they thought was a committed relationship that really isn't.

    If the person revealed they currently have an STD after we've had sex, I'm gone. Condoms do not offer 100% protection and there are certain STDs that condoms only provide minimal protection from.

    I agree w/all this especially the bolded; I know of people in each of those categories. But even if the person was not at fault and just unlucky and betrayed in terms of how they contracted the disease, I still would not be up for exposing myself to that kind of risk.

    And it's amazing how many people truly believe a condom will protect them against everything. I've even heard people say that birth control will do the job; and people are against sex education in schools!

    Condoms don't protect you from herpes or from HPV, the latter being the cause of all cervical cancers.
  • newcurlynewcurly Posts: 1,310Registered Users
    M2LRToo wrote: »
    MimsTX wrote: »
    It depends on a LOT of things for me. If it was a 'minor' STD (think HPV), I don't think it's necessarily a deal breaker. Something major like herpes or AIDS or the like (the 'incurables') would be harder. Still, if I really loved someone... I dunno. Maybe I could live with it. That being said, if it's a 'newish' relationship, that kind of love would be pretty rare...

    ugh. definitely a 'i don't know' question. Someone with an STD doesn't deserve to be sad and lonely just because of a past mistake that damn near everyone else has probably made as well. *shrug* not necessarily, anyways.

    While I know what you mean...HPV isn't "curable" either, and it can become a major problem if the woman who gets it gets cancer.
    Yes, but if a guy KNOWS he has HPV it's because he has the wart-causing variety. Those strains of HPV typically don't cause cervical dysplasia. So if a guy has the "dangerous" kind of HPV...he probably doesn't know he has it!
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  • SariaSaria Posts: 15,963Registered Users
    Well, if he told me after we had sex, absolutely not!
    Otherwise, I'd like to think that I'd give a guy a chance, but at the same time, it's kind of scary to me to be in that situation, so I'm not sure. I'd have to really love the guy to be okay with it.
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  • MichelleBFTMichelleBFT Posts: 4,812Registered Users
    Two primary deciding factors: One, is it treatable and in remission? What's my likelihood of contracting it? And two, had we had any contact in which I could have contracted it before he told me, presuming he already knew? THAT would be a dealbreaker for me.
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  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,738Registered Users
    jeamaria wrote: »
    newcurly: I did not mean any untested partner period, I meant someone who had the disease and just was not tested compared to someone who was aware of their status. My point is I wouldn't want to take an unnecessary risk whether I was aware of it or not.

    I think the reason the OP's use of "had" in the title is causing confusion is because this language does not have a very defined conditional tense. I think she means if they told you they currently had one, though.

    If she was referring to the past wouldn't she have said, "If your newish SO revealed s/he had had an STD, would you stay?" Phoenix, it would really help if you popped into the thread and clarified. ;) It could be that your wording is skewing the responses.

    Exactly. Seemed so clear to me...
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  • SariaSaria Posts: 15,963Registered Users
    Phoenix wrote: »
    jeamaria wrote: »
    newcurly: I did not mean any untested partner period, I meant someone who had the disease and just was not tested compared to someone who was aware of their status. My point is I wouldn't want to take an unnecessary risk whether I was aware of it or not.

    I think the reason the OP's use of "had" in the title is causing confusion is because this language does not have a very defined conditional tense. I think she means if they told you they currently had one, though.

    If she was referring to the past wouldn't she have said, "If your newish SO revealed s/he had had an STD, would you stay?" Phoenix, it would really help if you popped into the thread and clarified. ;) It could be that your wording is skewing the responses.

    Exactly. Seemed so clear to me...

    I got what you meant . . . no worries.
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  • SuburbanbushbabeSuburbanbushbabe Posts: 15,402Registered Users
    Agree testing is a must. It depends on the person and on the STD.
    The OP title says "had" as in past tense. If that's the case, it wouldn't be an issue...unless there's a story behind it that would scare me off.
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  • Who Me?Who Me? Posts: 3,181Registered Users
    jeamaria wrote: »
    Condoms don't protect you from herpes or from HPV, the latter being the cause of all cervical cancers.

    HPV is the cause of SOME cervical cancers, but far from all. And far from everyone with HPV gets cervical cancer--the way not everyone who smokes gets lung cncer.

    Also, condoms go a long way against protecting from herpes, although not all strains and not all the time.

    No offense intended to any posters, but we really, really need more sex education in schools. It really saddens and frightens me they type of information that many people put out there--especially the people who discourage condom use because they're "not really that useful".



    Anyway, I have really close friends who have some serious STIs. It bothers me to think of them dating and falling in love with people who wouldn't be with them because of it. They are responsible, and would never put someone at any kind or risk without letting them know--and they also have taken on the burden of waiting until things are much, much more serious until they can have sexual relations. Knowing their stories, I wouldn't dismiss someone for an STI, even the serious ones.
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  • M2LRM2LR Posts: 8,630Registered Users
    newcurly wrote: »
    M2LRToo wrote: »
    MimsTX wrote: »
    It depends on a LOT of things for me. If it was a 'minor' STD (think HPV), I don't think it's necessarily a deal breaker. Something major like herpes or AIDS or the like (the 'incurables') would be harder. Still, if I really loved someone... I dunno. Maybe I could live with it. That being said, if it's a 'newish' relationship, that kind of love would be pretty rare...

    ugh. definitely a 'i don't know' question. Someone with an STD doesn't deserve to be sad and lonely just because of a past mistake that damn near everyone else has probably made as well. *shrug* not necessarily, anyways.

    While I know what you mean...HPV isn't "curable" either, and it can become a major problem if the woman who gets it gets cancer.
    Yes, but if a guy KNOWS he has HPV it's because he has the wart-causing variety. Those strains of HPV typically don't cause cervical dysplasia. So if a guy has the "dangerous" kind of HPV...he probably doesn't know he has it!

    The thing is that most guys have the more dangerous kind, without any symptoms, warts/lesions.
    :rambo:
  • mrspoppersmrspoppers Posts: 7,223Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Who Me? wrote: »
    jeamaria wrote: »
    Condoms don't protect you from herpes or from HPV, the latter being the cause of all cervical cancers.

    HPV is the cause of SOME cervical cancers, but far from all. And far from everyone with HPV gets cervical cancer--the way not everyone who smokes gets lung cncer.

    Also, condoms go a long way against protecting from herpes, although not all strains and not all the time.

    No offense intended to any posters, but we really, really need more sex education in schools. It really saddens and frightens me they type of information that many people put out there--especially the people who discourage condom use because they're "not really that useful".



    Anyway, I have really close friends who have some serious STIs. It bothers me to think of them dating and falling in love with people who wouldn't be with them because of it. They are responsible, and would never put someone at any kind or risk without letting them know--and they also have taken on the burden of waiting until things are much, much more serious until they can have sexual relations. Knowing their stories, I wouldn't dismiss someone for an STI, even the serious ones.
    Who said the bold?
    When are women going to face the fact that they don’t know their own bodies as well as men who have heard things?

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  • hayseedladyhayseedlady Posts: 646Registered Users
    Currently is what I based my choice on, not had.

    I'd drop them, no ifs and or buts. I'm out of there. Don't care, see ya. I really don't care if a couple of rounds of antibiotics will cure it up.

    Parent's shouldn't wait for schools to teach their kids about STI's, that is a parent's job don't depend on schools to teach your child EVERYTHING about life. There are a ton of websites out there to show your son or daughter what gonorrhea of the throat or vagina look like. Kids need to know what to look for and what questions need to be asked. You don't wait until you've been in a relationship for several months to have the courage to ask about those odd bumps.

    Condoms are better than nothing and a hell of a lot better than trust me, I've been tested.
  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,738Registered Users
    Who Me? wrote: »
    jeamaria wrote: »
    Condoms don't protect you from herpes or from HPV, the latter being the cause of all cervical cancers.

    HPV is the cause of SOME cervical cancers, but far from all. And far from everyone with HPV gets cervical cancer--the way not everyone who smokes gets lung cncer.

    Also, condoms go a long way against protecting from herpes, although not all strains and not all the time.

    No offense intended to any posters, but we really, really need more sex education in schools. It really saddens and frightens me they type of information that many people put out there--especially the people who discourage condom use because they're "not really that useful".



    Anyway, I have really close friends who have some serious STIs. It bothers me to think of them dating and falling in love with people who wouldn't be with them because of it. They are responsible, and would never put someone at any kind or risk without letting them know--and they also have taken on the burden of waiting until things are much, much more serious until they can have sexual relations. Knowing their stories, I wouldn't dismiss someone for an STI, even the serious ones.

    Although 95% of cervical cancer cases have HPV present.
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  • cymprenicympreni Posts: 9,609Registered Users
    Phoenix wrote: »
    Who Me? wrote: »
    jeamaria wrote: »
    Condoms don't protect you from herpes or from HPV, the latter being the cause of all cervical cancers.

    HPV is the cause of SOME cervical cancers, but far from all. And far from everyone with HPV gets cervical cancer--the way not everyone who smokes gets lung cncer.

    Also, condoms go a long way against protecting from herpes, although not all strains and not all the time.

    No offense intended to any posters, but we really, really need more sex education in schools. It really saddens and frightens me they type of information that many people put out there--especially the people who discourage condom use because they're "not really that useful".



    Anyway, I have really close friends who have some serious STIs. It bothers me to think of them dating and falling in love with people who wouldn't be with them because of it. They are responsible, and would never put someone at any kind or risk without letting them know--and they also have taken on the burden of waiting until things are much, much more serious until they can have sexual relations. Knowing their stories, I wouldn't dismiss someone for an STI, even the serious ones.

    Although 95% of cervical cancer cases have HPV present.

    That's because it's the most common virus in the world, more then the common cold. There are over a hundred of strains of HPV and most of them are harmless. Common warts that you'd treat with OTC stuff on your hands and feet are caused by HPV. Only 40 strains are responsible for sti's and only 13 of those are considered high risk. It is estimated that 75% of all sexually active people will have it at one point in their life. Most people fight off the virus without ever seeing a single symptom. There are other things that can cause cervical cancer, so just because it's present, doesn't mean it was the cause.
  • NarniaNarnia Posts: 1,770Registered Users
    Herpes is treatable but it's forever.

    Would you leave for cold sores?
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  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,738Registered Users
    cympreni wrote: »
    Phoenix wrote: »
    Who Me? wrote: »

    HPV is the cause of SOME cervical cancers, but far from all. And far from everyone with HPV gets cervical cancer--the way not everyone who smokes gets lung cncer.

    Also, condoms go a long way against protecting from herpes, although not all strains and not all the time.

    No offense intended to any posters, but we really, really need more sex education in schools. It really saddens and frightens me they type of information that many people put out there--especially the people who discourage condom use because they're "not really that useful".



    Anyway, I have really close friends who have some serious STIs. It bothers me to think of them dating and falling in love with people who wouldn't be with them because of it. They are responsible, and would never put someone at any kind or risk without letting them know--and they also have taken on the burden of waiting until things are much, much more serious until they can have sexual relations. Knowing their stories, I wouldn't dismiss someone for an STI, even the serious ones.

    Although 95% of cervical cancer cases have HPV present.

    That's because it's the most common virus in the world, more then the common cold. There are over a hundred of strains of HPV and most of them are harmless. Common warts that you'd treat with OTC stuff on your hands and feet are caused by HPV. Only 40 strains are responsible for sti's and only 13 of those are considered high risk. It is estimated that 75% of all sexually active people will have it at one point in their life. Most people fight off the virus without ever seeing a single symptom. There are other things that can cause cervical cancer, so just because it's present, doesn't mean it was the cause.

    No, not definitely. But as you alluded to there are some strains that are higher risk for leading to CC than others.
    montage-3.gif No MAS.

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  • M2LRM2LR Posts: 8,630Registered Users
    Phoenix wrote: »
    Who Me? wrote: »
    jeamaria wrote: »
    Condoms don't protect you from herpes or from HPV, the latter being the cause of all cervical cancers.

    HPV is the cause of SOME cervical cancers, but far from all. And far from everyone with HPV gets cervical cancer--the way not everyone who smokes gets lung cncer.

    Also, condoms go a long way against protecting from herpes, although not all strains and not all the time.

    No offense intended to any posters, but we really, really need more sex education in schools. It really saddens and frightens me they type of information that many people put out there--especially the people who discourage condom use because they're "not really that useful".



    Anyway, I have really close friends who have some serious STIs. It bothers me to think of them dating and falling in love with people who wouldn't be with them because of it. They are responsible, and would never put someone at any kind or risk without letting them know--and they also have taken on the burden of waiting until things are much, much more serious until they can have sexual relations. Knowing their stories, I wouldn't dismiss someone for an STI, even the serious ones.

    Although 95% of cervical cancer cases have HPV present.

    Do you have a link to this percentage? I was googling for one, I can't seem to find it.
    :rambo:
  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users
    Currently is what I based my choice on, not had.

    I'd drop them, no ifs and or buts. I'm out of there. Don't care, see ya. I really don't care if a couple of rounds of antibiotics will cure it up.

    Parent's shouldn't wait for schools to teach their kids about STI's, that is a parent's job don't depend on schools to teach your child EVERYTHING about life. There are a ton of websites out there to show your son or daughter what gonorrhea of the throat or vagina look like. Kids need to know what to look for and what questions need to be asked. You don't wait until you've been in a relationship for several months to have the courage to ask about those odd bumps.

    Condoms are better than nothing and a hell of a lot better than trust me, I've been tested.
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  • newcurlynewcurly Posts: 1,310Registered Users
    M2LR wrote: »
    Do you have a link to this percentage? I was googling for one, I can't seem to find it.
    I'm linking to the abstract for the article that is most commonly cited. It gives 93% as the statistic.

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