S/O: What aspect of YOUR parenting do you have to defend the most?

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  • realisticrealistic Posts: 2,222Registered Users Curl Novice
    People (usually older) assume that we are irresponsible b/c we are not married.

    Diet= organic and minimal sugar. (Grandparents violate this ALL the time).
    Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth. I sat at a table where were rich food and wine in abundance, and obsequious attendance, but sincerity and truth were not;
    and I went away hungry from the inhospitable board.
    -Henry David Thoreau
  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    Shelli: do people in IRL really give you grief for NOT co-sleeping, or are you talking about this board, where it seems more people are open about it than elsewhere? If so, I want to live where you do! I had no idea co-sleeping was controversial till I started doing it, but I have since run into a lot of people who have the attitude that "he should be sleeping in his own bed or you'll never get him out of yours." I wouldn't say I have to defend co-sleeping - they're just saying what they know - but I find it hard to imagine a large amount of people IRL doing it since everyone I know who has been pregnant was all about buying a crib and doing the baby's room. I think an assumption is made that JJ sleeps in a crib in his room until I tell people otherwise, and then they're surprised if anything.

    In terms of having to defend parenting choices, I really don't feel that I have to defend anything. I agree with what madscientist said, that when you have as healthy, happy, securely attached and outgoing a child as I do, people assume you must be doing SOMETHING right. I have a friend whose mother and MIL are upset with her for not being a SAHM and make her feel really guilty, but luckily for me, no one has taken issue with that in my case. My decision not to spank has also been respected thus far.

    However, there are some issues that have repeatedly come up. My inlaws have never been comfortable with me breastfeeding and especially so now that J is older. I've also had the occasional stink eye for nursing in public. I know a lot of people who nursed past a year and said they kept it secret to avoid flak from people. I made a conscious decision not to do that - I will nurse or talk about nursing as I need/want to because I think it is important to normalize it. I do get some raised eyebrows that "he's still nursing?" but oh well. We delayed solids until close to a year and the inlaws and others nagged me about that too. Now the nagging is about what he eats (I don't give him meat.)

    I think the only thing I maybe feel attacked about or have to defend is the fact that I take my child everywhere with me that I can and he doesn't have a set or early bedtime or nap time. To me, that's normal, but I feel that I have been attacked on here a lot and borderline called a bad mother for taking my kid to the gym, a conference, the Obama inauguration, etc.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • SigiSigi Posts: 2,379Registered Users
    My mom gets all out of whack when she thinks the baby is sleeping in bed with us. She isn't bothered by cosleeping in general because the older two sleep with us too, but she's afraid we might roll over and smother the baby while we're sleeping. So I just pretty much tell her that he sleeps in the PNP in our room (which he does sometimes, so I'm not lying entirely).

    I don't have to defend this choice, but when it comes up that I breastfed our second son until a week before his 3rd birthday, you can see that *whoa* look in their eyes.

    ETA: I forgot my 4 year old's thumb sucking. People are always asking us when we're going to make him stop. Well, duh, we've tried to make him stop. What do you want me to do, cut his thumb off? Geez.
  • cosmicflycosmicfly Posts: 1,814Registered Users
    I think the thing I take the most heat for is the cosleeping. As I said on the other thread, I have slept differently with all 3 of my kids based on their needs (and mine at this point).

    I get some raised eyebrows because Aidan doesn't rally eat baby food, he mostly feeds himself table food. My mother has expressed that I need to feed him because he won't get enough otherwise.

    I also get a lot of nonsense because the baby doesn't STTN and I don't let him CIO. Apparently, he'll "never learn" and he will do "whatever he can get away with" :roll: .

    Amneris, when I only had Max (my oldest), we took him everywhere and I didn't see problem with that, nor did my ex's family. My family was horrified, children do not belong most places and all that. His family is Guyanese, so maybe it's a bit cultural? For my part, I found it easy and enoyable to take him along.
  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,060 Administrator
    I don't have to defend or explain anything - my child, my decisions, and my responsibility.

    I used to feel I had to defend how I raise my son because he's an only child by choice. I was told he'd be selfish, lonely, unsociable, and so forth. I was told I was selfish and blah blah blah. I really stopped giving a dang and just started concentrating on raising him my way because he calls me mama and not them.
  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    cosmicfly wrote: »
    I think the thing I take the most heat for is the cosleeping. As I said on the other thread, I have slept differently with all 3 of my kids based on their needs (and mine at this point).

    I get some raised eyebrows because Aidan doesn't rally eat baby food, he mostly feeds himself table food. My mother has expressed that I need to feed him because he won't get enough otherwise.

    I also get a lot of nonsense because the baby doesn't STTN and I don't let him CIO. Apparently, he'll "never learn" and he will do "whatever he can get away with" :roll: .

    Amneris, when I only had Max (my oldest), we took him everywhere and I didn't see problem with that, nor did my ex's family. My family was horrified, children do not belong most places and all that. His family is Guyanese, so maybe it's a bit cultural? For my part, I found it easy and enoyable to take him along.

    Definitely - I think it's pretty normal in most Caribbean (and African and Asian and Latin American) families to do that, but here in America/Canada, not so much.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • ZinniaZinnia Posts: 7,339Registered Users
    Meant to start a new thread
    Life shrinks or expands according to one's courage. Anais Nin
  • subbrocksubbrock Posts: 8,212Registered Users
    in real life i dont get too much crap from anyone about how i choose to parent the munchkin. my mom and sister will throw their unsolicited comments in,but i think thats what mom and sisters do.

    i think the only crap ive gotten would be on this site about being pro hospital birth and pro drugs.
  • Brown_Eyed_GirlBrown_Eyed_Girl Posts: 1,353Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I feel like the issues people raise eyebrows over vary all the time. One person thinks I vax too much, others not enough. One person wants to give her cake and crackers at 4 months, another thinks at 8 months I should be mashing all her food and that she's going to choke. One person thinks she should be in my bed all the time, another thinks I should be able to lay her in her crib awake and walk away. One person raises eyebrows over a hospital birth, another marvels that I didn't have an epidural, etc., etc., ad nauseum.

    It's really made me try to be less judgemental of others and to not worry so much about what people think, even though I've always cared too much about that, so it's hard. I think most of us really are trying to raise our kids the best we can.
  • curlygirlymecurlygirlyme Posts: 1,340Registered Users
    Having children at all... with every single child my mother has asked "Are you getting an abortion" hummmm no Mom stop asking.

    My parents think my kids are odd b/c they don't eat a restaurants well. I've tried explaining to them that forcing them to sit at a table for 30 minutes to an hour is painful for kids and that’s just waiting for the food to come. They don't come to the table to eat in our home until dinner is ready. We don't eat out (except very, very rare occasions) and when we visit my parents they eat out a lot, it just doesn't work well for toddlers. They also don't understand that when we come to visit them my kids get over stimulated and therefore can go a little nuts. I've tried explaining this as well and it doesn't help. My parents live in Maryland and we live in Oklahoma, it’s a long trip and it’s extremely different. I keep telling them to come visit us (b/c it's a lot cheaper for everyone).
  • shellibeanshellibean Posts: 4,500Registered Users
    Amneris: The only time I have ever felt defensive a/b co-sleeping is on here. It kinda seems like some of the co-sleepers think I am cruel or cold to not be sharing my bed with my kid. In MY real life, people don't even call it co-sleeping. They just say, "______ sleeps with us." It's not like a big deal like it seems to be on here. Like, I feel like people approve of him sleeping in his own bed more in real life.
    A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.

    "...you could have a turd on your head and no one would notice."~Subbrock

    "I had an imaginary puppy, but my grandpa ate him."~Bailey
  • curlygirlymecurlygirlyme Posts: 1,340Registered Users
    shellibean wrote: »
    Amneris: The only time I have ever felt defensive a/b co-sleeping is on here. It kinda seems like some of the co-sleepers think I am cruel or cold to not be sharing my bed with my kid. In MY real life, people don't even call it co-sleeping. They just say, "______ sleeps with us." It's not like a big deal like it seems to be on here. Like, I feel like people approve of him sleeping in his own bed more in real life.

    Don't feel bad. It's a personal choice and you shouldn't have to defend yourself. I did co-sleep with my first and I won't be doing it again. I didn't like it. What works for me is having a bassinet right next to me for them to sleep in. You have to do what works best for everyone in your family.
  • DelmaDelma Posts: 1,121Registered Users
    I can't believe the only I really get s**t for, everyone thinks my kids are sheltered, that I need to let them grow up and give them more responsibilities
  • cymprenicympreni Posts: 9,609Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I don't really get any flack about anything anymore. I used to a lot. But I know I can't change their minds, so I just stopped talking about it. If they brought it up, I smile and nod, then leave it at that.

    Closest is with my IL's who don't believe in discipline at all, and always give them lots of sugar. But last time they were over there that bit the in the a$$ big time. So maybe they learned their lesson.
  • iris427iris427 Posts: 6,002Registered Users
    I get criticized for everything, mostly by family members. I don't feel I have to defend myself though--I just ignore and keep parenting my way.

    People criticize that we co-sleep and don't let her CIO. That we hold her too much. That we let her stand up (with our support, obviously). That she is not on a feeding schedule. That we don't dress her warmly enough (she's fine! She tells us if she's cold). A little criticism about not giving formula or solids. Oh and my MIL thinks our pediatrician is "psycho" haha.

    I have also felt like I needed to defend her birth, both online and IRL, because I agreed to an induction and ended up with an epidural and a c-section.
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  • deedlesdeedles Posts: 2,467Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    How I stopped BF'ing after only a month or so (it wasn't really working for either one of us..

    and the big one.. yes, my son still has a pacifier.. I know he's 2 1/2 but for right now its fine.. He doesn't use it all time (primarily at night)

    ~d
    Liam: 6 years old
    Colin: 3 years old
    Location: Williamsburg, Virginia
    Member Since: August 2000
  • shellibeanshellibean Posts: 4,500Registered Users
    Oh- I forgot this one: instead of a standard high chair, we have a thing that hooks onto the edge of the table. it is very VERY secure and is even a pain in the ass to get OFF the table. He ain't going ANYWHERE. Well, my mom announces every single time she sees him in it how she ,"just doesn't trust those things." "has just never trusted those things" "just knows he is gonn acoem outta that thing", etc. Grrr...
    A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.

    "...you could have a turd on your head and no one would notice."~Subbrock

    "I had an imaginary puppy, but my grandpa ate him."~Bailey
  • shirleytemple13shirleytemple13 Posts: 328Registered Users
    I get flack and little 'remarks' for formula feeding (I take a lot of meds, it's the responsible thing to do). Also - for working and leaving her in daycare (yes, it kills me too), and for feeding her solids so early. She's been eating cereal since she was 4 months old and it works for her. She was hungry. It's working out great and she is happy and satisfied.

    I hate people being in my business.
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    Miracle baby Victoria Elise arrived 08/10/08
  • sundaysunday Posts: 535Registered Users
    I had to defend formula feeding my son and now I have to defend breastfeeding my daughter. Guess I can't win either way....
    3 something
    fotki pw: sunday
  • ruralcurlsruralcurls Posts: 2,574Registered Users
    shellibean wrote: »
    Oh- I forgot this one: instead of a standard high chair, we have a thing that hooks onto the edge of the table. it is very VERY secure and is even a pain in the ass to get OFF the table. He ain't going ANYWHERE. Well, my mom announces every single time she sees him in it how she ,"just doesn't trust those things." "has just never trusted those things" "just knows he is gonn acoem outta that thing", etc. Grrr...

    Shelibean, we have one of those, too. I must say, unlike the high chair, which my kids have managed to crawl out of, one even fell out onto the hard floor, none of them have managed to escape the table chair. My SIL always puts a chair underneath it, but I don't.
  • fuzzbucketfuzzbucket Posts: 996Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Anything regarding Harry's sleep: when, where, how. Everyone thinks they have a solution, like we haven't tried everything and gone with what works. Honestly, he just came out this way. He sleeps how he sleeps. It's less now that he's older (people just assume things now) but when he was an infant, it was maddening.
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  • shellibeanshellibean Posts: 4,500Registered Users
    ruralcurls: I used to put a chair underneath, but he started standing on the chair and escaping!
    A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.

    "...you could have a turd on your head and no one would notice."~Subbrock

    "I had an imaginary puppy, but my grandpa ate him."~Bailey
  • inheritedcurlsinheritedcurls Posts: 2,954Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    deedles wrote: »
    How I stopped BF'ing after only a month or so (it wasn't really working for either one of us..

    and the big one.. yes, my son still has a pacifier.. I know he's 2 1/2 but for right now its fine.. He doesn't use it all time (primarily at night)

    ~d

    I'm so glad to hear Liam has a pacifier!! Chas does too. He has it at night and naptime. I'm working right now, if he gets hurt not to run and get the pacifier but to just talk about his owie instead. It's working.

    I get the pacifier flack too...but I also got tired of hearing all the suggestions on how to get Chas to sleep through the night. We should let him CIO or we just weren't being tough enough. Don't let him sleep in the swing...now that I think back...I would have gotten so much more sleep if I had just let him stay in that darn swing. :D
  • PixieCurlPixieCurl Posts: 5,656Registered Users
    shelli and rural - that's a sassy seat right? My mom used to use one for me and my sister. She actually said they're LESS safe with a chair under it. I guess the baby's weight is what holds the chair clamped to the table, and if the baby puts its feet on the chair and puts weight in their feet, there's more of a risk of the sassy seat coming off the table.
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  • shellibeanshellibean Posts: 4,500Registered Users
    Ours is from Japan. it has latches that come up fromt eh bottom and pressure screw onto both the top and bottom of the table. It is practically impossible to get it off the table without unscrewing it- especially if the table has a ledge of any kind...
    A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.

    "...you could have a turd on your head and no one would notice."~Subbrock

    "I had an imaginary puppy, but my grandpa ate him."~Bailey
  • Aphro-DeeziacAphro-Deeziac Posts: 983Registered Users
    deciding to breastfeed my kids, not start solids before 6 months
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  • imagenimagen Posts: 343Registered Users
    My issue is that there are things that I feel I have to defend because people in my life disagree with some of my choices, but don't say it to my face, instead talk about it behind my back. So really I haven't had to outright defend things, because the people don't want to say these things to my face.

    -Breastfeeding Laura, in the first place and still at 22 months. I don't force my outlook on anyone else and I'm not asking anyone else to do it for me. Until I have a problem with it or she stops I'll do it.

    -Breastfeeding Aidan until he was a year. He weaned himself. People would say to me "Why would you do that when you could just have someone else give him a bottle?" :shock:

    -Not having Aidan stay the night anywhere until I was in the hospital when I had Laura, he was 5 1/2. There was just no reason to. If one of us wanted to stay out late with friends occasionally, we would make sure the other could be there. If we wanted to go out together we would only go out till a certain time so we could get him home before bed. This was a priority for us.

    -Co-sleeping with both of them.

    -Laura being small. This has been the thing I've had to actually defend, and have been the most sensitive about. I'm just tired of the constant comments from family, who should know better knowing it bothers me, and from strangers, which I try not to take personally because most of the time they don't know better. Other times they give us that look and I can tell they're thinking "Don't you feed her?", "There's got to be something wrong with her." or "You should've given her formula." We've been to doctors, they've grilled us and tested her for all kinds of things. Not every child is going to be huge. Not every child is even average. some children are small.
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