Marriage issues affecting your children

curlygirlymecurlygirlyme Posts: 1,340Registered Users
I posted about my issues with my husband before. To make a long story short he acts like a child, will not go and get help with me together as a couple, refuses to stick up for me or the kids, will not participate with our children (simple things like coloring, doing puzzles, reading stories, etc.) for the most part without me asking him to do so, he gets annoyed with me when I don't feel well (b/c I'm pregnant) and can't keep up with all the chores around the house.

This is a very short list... here’s where it's at. The man plays World of Warcraft (it's an online internet game) every day for hours on end every single time I get pregnant. With my son it was bad (he was our first) he ignored me while I was pregnant, and ignored my son and I until I was screaming at him to pay attention. When I got pregnant with my daughter I was just bitter and angry towards him and didn't expect anything from him. I just took out a lot of anger on him. Now that it's been two years and I'm pregnant I've changed a lot. I chose not to let his poor attitude affect me every day. I don't take my anger out on him b/c he doesn't care. But it's gotten to the point where he doesn't want anything to do with the kids, he has no respect for me whatsoever, and he doesn't care about the pregnancy at all.

I want him to leave. I don't care if I have to do everything on my own. It feels like his negative attitude it sucking the life out of me. I don't want him around when the new baby is born, I just want him gone.

I don't know if this is the right place for this but I thought maybe someone here might be able to share something that might help me understand what is going on or if I'm crazy... thanks in advance.
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Comments

  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,259Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    You're going to have 3 children under age 4. It's a tough, tough road. Do you have any help? A way to support yourself and our kids? Child support is never enough, and deadbeat dads are hard to get money out of. If he's disinterested in the kids now, he's going to be even more disinterested if you split up.

    I feel for you. I've been there. I don't know what else to say.
  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users Curl Neophyte
    (((hugs)))
    0004.gif

    Ever since the sports thread wars I have sensed a special connection between [edit] & Wile. Like the connection oil has to water. I almost can't speak of it. Wait....my eyes are misting. ~asq
    Let’s just stay together and tell the world to kiss our ass. ~P


  • PixieCurlPixieCurl Posts: 5,656Registered Users
    No advice, but many ((((hugs))))

    Can you say something like "I can't live like this. I don't want to split up but if you won't work with me or go to marriage counseling, I feel like I don't have any other option." It's sort of an ultimatum but worded a little more gently. Maybe if he realizes the gravity of the situation he'll be more willing to try counseling? And if you come to him like you're asking for his help, not like you're yelling at or criticizing him.
    Faith, 3Aish redhead
    Mama to two wild superheroes and a curly-headed baby boy :love5:
  • rainshowerrainshower Posts: 4,420Registered Users
    I posted about my issues with my husband before. To make a long story short he acts like a child, will not go and get help with me together as a couple, refuses to stick up for me or the kids, will not participate with our children (simple things like coloring, doing puzzles, reading stories, etc.) for the most part without me asking him to do so, he gets annoyed with me when I don't feel well (b/c I'm pregnant) and can't keep up with all the chores around the house.

    This is a very short list... here’s where it's at. The man plays World of Warcraft (it's an online internet game) every day for hours on end every single time I get pregnant. With my son it was bad (he was our first) he ignored me while I was pregnant, and ignored my son and I until I was screaming at him to pay attention. When I got pregnant with my daughter I was just bitter and angry towards him and didn't expect anything from him. I just took out a lot of anger on him. Now that it's been two years and I'm pregnant I've changed a lot. I chose not to let his poor attitude affect me every day. I don't take my anger out on him b/c he doesn't care. But it's gotten to the point where he doesn't want anything to do with the kids, he has no respect for me whatsoever, and he doesn't care about the pregnancy at all.

    I want him to leave. I don't care if I have to do everything on my own. It feels like his negative attitude it sucking the life out of me. I don't want him around when the new baby is born, I just want him gone.

    I don't know if this is the right place for this but I thought maybe someone here might be able to share something that might help me understand what is going on or if I'm crazy... thanks in advance.

    i notice that you are having kids back-to-back. i only mention this because having just one baby changes the dynamics of a marriage so that each person has to make adjustments to accommodate the new family member. some of the changes are temporary, others are permanent. and with each new baby, the dynamics change even more--some subtle, some abrupt.

    if your relationship was already not solid, meaning, if before your first baby your husband was not attentive to you, didn't give you the sensitivity that you needed, couldn't shake immature activities like playing video games on-end, that was a relationship problem that already existed and was only exaserbated by the arrival of each additional baby. does that make sense?

    sometimes we look at a problem while it's blown up, and try to fix it from there, instead of looking at what and when the problem started and fixing it from that point. you don't want to bandaid this problem. you want to correct it so that it doesn't happen again.

    i vote for trying to get relationship counseling because it doesn't sound like your problem is with your husband and how he treats you and the kids. it sounds like that's just the symptom of another problem.

    and it goes without saying that if you go into counseling, you need to be prepared to make yourself better at the same time, as it's seldom just one person solely responsible for the breakdown of a relationship.

    {{{hugs}}}
    "Dogs stink too, but I like dog stink." ~ rileyb
  • ruralcurlsruralcurls Posts: 2,574Registered Users
    I posted about my issues with my husband before. To make a long story short he acts like a child, will not go and get help with me together as a couple, refuses to stick up for me or the kids, will not participate with our children (simple things like coloring, doing puzzles, reading stories, etc.) for the most part without me asking him to do so, he gets annoyed with me when I don't feel well (b/c I'm pregnant) and can't keep up with all the chores around the house.

    It feels like his negative attitude it sucking the life out of me.

    This sounds just like us the first time I was pregnant. I could not believe this was the man I had married and the father of my child. I was stunned he was acting like that. These were not issues he had in the 5 years we had dated, or in the 5 years we had been married.

    My question to you is, Was he always like this? Were things better before you were pregnant? Are there other things happening that could be contributing him to withdraw?

    The reason I am asking is because it turned out by husband was suffering from depression, that ended up involving panic/anxiety disorder. He fought treatment every step of the way in the beginning, but it has made a huge difference in our lives. Everything is much better.

    My kids are about as far apart as yours will be, it is really difficult most days even with my husband's help.

    I also want to offer {{{hugs}}}, I hope you are able to work things out.
  • hmkennyhmkenny Posts: 1,467Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    It sounds like you are already a single parent. RCW's right - it's a very tough road. I raised one child on my own and it wasn't easy. My suggestion is to go to counseling even if he won't, and then plan your next steps. Figure out how you are going to manage before you take the plunge. With counseling, who knows? Maybe you can figure out a way to make your life with this man work for now.

    Good luck to you.
    3a/medium texture/normal porosity
  • goldygoldy Posts: 5,463Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    rainshower wrote: »
    sometimes we look at a problem while it's blown up, and try to fix it from there, instead of looking at what and when the problem started and fixing it from that point. you don't want to bandaid this problem. you want to correct it so that it doesn't happen again.

    i vote for trying to get relationship counseling because it doesn't sound like your problem is with your husband and how he treats you and the kids. it sounds like that's just the symptom of another problem.

    and it goes without saying that if you go into counseling, you need to be prepared to make yourself better at the same time, as it's seldom just one person solely responsible for the breakdown of a relationship.

    {{{hugs}}}

    I agree with with rainshower.

    It seems like you both may benefit from marriage counseling. In the meantime maybe you can start doing some searches for a counselor in your area, and mention to your husband again that you think that you two together should go to marriage counseling -- let him know why.. but as rainshower said, be prepared to make changes in yourself as well, and try to understand how some of your actions may not be helpful to him.

    A really good counselor will help you two work on the immediate issue, and be able to bring out what the root of what the problem really is, allowing you two to work on that as well.

    {{{hugs}}}
    Poodlehead wrote:
    Ah, it all makes sense now. Goldy is the puppet master! :lol:
  • SimbathekatSimbathekat Posts: 140Registered Users
    Curly,

    I would definitely suggest you go to counseling on your own. It will at least put you in a place of power and you can control the way you respond to the situation.

    When you change yourself, others have no choice but to get in sync or they drop away from your life. I understand how you feel though and I've been in an issue close to yours. I decided to take control of my own mind and actions. Oddly, my SO altered his ways in response to my movement.
  • curlygirlymecurlygirlyme Posts: 1,340Registered Users
    Well I guess I'll try to answer as many things as I can. No he wasn't like this for the 4 years we dated. We lost our first child, and that made things worse between us.

    We had our first 2 children back to back. There will be almost 3 years between my youngest and this baby. We weren't supposed to be able to get pregnant; we weren't planning on ever having another.

    I have no problem working on my issues because I know I have them and I've worked on them somewhat, I no longer blow up at him b/c it's not helpful for him or me. But to be honest I don't give a flying crap what his problem is. He refuses to help himself and he feels like dead weight around my ankles I had to beg him for 4 years just to go to the cardiologist (he has some minor heart issues that need to be checked up on), I can't even imagine how long it would take me to convince him to get himself some help.

    I have no family here (they all live on the east coast, and my sister lives in Chicago), and most of my friends have moved away (most were in the military). I also do not have away to support myself. Another thing I gave up was my education (I'm still a sophomore in college and I'm 24). I have no idea what I would do.

    Honestly I really want to enjoy this pregnancy, birth, and baby. I don't want him and his crap ruining it for me like he has twice before. I know it sounds selfish but I want to have a wonderful pregnancy for once.
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,259Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Three unplanned babies in four years. You've got no education and no plan to support yourself and your kids. You just want him "gone". Do you plan nothing in you life?

    I want to be sympathetic (and I am sympathetic), but there is an awful lot of responsibility that comes along with being a parent. You've piled a lot of it on your plate. You need to go out and get an education and a job, right away. You can't just throw your breadwinner out the door without a plan because you want to "enjoy" being pregnant. Just an observation, but I think you have a sh1tstorm heading straight at you and you aren't even looking.
  • tedratedra Posts: 49Registered Users
    I hate to say it but Redcatwaves said it best, it's time you wake up and take care of your biz!! I was a teen mother, had my first daughter at 15, got married at 18 and had my two other daughters at 20 & 21!! My x was a drunk and didn't have anything to do with our girls, so I left him after 3 yrs of marriage. I was jobless and still working on my education but I did it!! I refused to allow him to hold me back.. I got an apt with government assistance and finished school. I am now with a good man, we own our home and I am now working on starting my own biz. So much happier than I once was.Please think about you children and move on. But make sure you have a PLAN first, don't just make a rash decision that you will later regret. If you need advice on a personal level let me know. I feel for you, but I can't sugar coat any of this. Good luck.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Tedra
    [email protected]
    Failure is NEVER an option!
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  • ruralcurlsruralcurls Posts: 2,574Registered Users
    Your situation sounds so much like mine, this is like deja vu for me.

    If you leave where will you go? Make sure you think everything through very carefully. Three kids that age can be difficult, I know. No friends or family to turn to can make things really hard.

    I really think there is more to this, I am just not sure what to tell you. My husband showed all the signs of depression, did not appreciate when I pointed this out to him. So instead it went on until he suffered from debilitating panic/anxiety attacks to where he couldn't get out of bed for weeks.

    Do you still love him? Does he love you? Do you want to work it out? If your answers are no, really think about going back East, if at all possible to get as much help from your family if they are willing to give it.
  • PoPo Posts: 2,607Registered Users
    I'm sorry everything is rough for you right now, curlygirlyme.

    ITA with everyone else. You have to have a plan. If it's that serious, I would skip the whole regular college route (for now) and go to a technical school. You'll get into the workforce much quicker that way. I know quite a few people who went to tech school and then later went to a 4 year university.

    Have you thought of moving with family? I only advise that if you're truly serious about leaving your husband and you have a plan of action.

    Good luck!
    3c/4a
  • curlygirlymecurlygirlyme Posts: 1,340Registered Users
    First off I like to say go screw yourself to anyone who wants to throw crap my way. What do you think I do all day sit on my ass? Seriously I was going to school part time, working part time, and taking care of both of my kids at the same time, while my lovely husband took care of them for 15 minutes a day, literally for the time I had to leave for work 7:45 p.m. until their bed time at 8. Seriously if you think I've tried nothing then you can kiss my a$$. On top of everything else I was working a job to bail our asses out b/c against my strong wishes he bought a house and a car we couldn't afford. He wouldn't let me save any of that money for myself so I could leave him, it all went to bills that I didn't rack up. I've got options. I can stay here and live off of child support, student loans, and possibly some help from my dad, and get a small part time at school or something. It's not like I haven't given it any thought. I just can't do that right now. So shot me if I don't want to have a miserable pregnancy and wind up a miserable person for another child.
  • subbrocksubbrock Posts: 8,212Registered Users
    curlygirlme, im going to PM you.
  • SimbathekatSimbathekat Posts: 140Registered Users
    ruralcurls wrote: »
    Your situation sounds so much like mine, this is like deja vu for me.

    If you leave where will you go? Make sure you think everything through very carefully. Three kids that age can be difficult, I know. No friends or family to turn to can make things really hard.

    I really think there is more to this, I am just not sure what to tell you. My husband showed all the signs of depression, did not appreciate when I pointed this out to him. So instead it went on until he suffered from debilitating panic/anxiety attacks to where he couldn't get out of bed for weeks.

    Do you still love him? Does he love you? Do you want to work it out? If your answers are no, really think about going back East, if at all possible to get as much help from your family if they are willing to give it.

    I've gotta say Ruralcurls, your advice makes the most sense here.

    Curlygirly, you cannot fix the past. But you at least realize that you want a different and better future. It does sound like your husband is severly depressed if he's that disengaged from you and the children. Again, if you go into counseling on your own (check out your local churches for a free spiritual counselor), your counselor may be able to give you some insight on how to handle your husband's issues.

    If you don't want to work things out, then moving home with your parents may be ideal until you become clear about your life goals, along with your children's.
  • PixieCurlPixieCurl Posts: 5,656Registered Users
    If you don't want to work things out, then moving home with your parents may be ideal until you become clear about your life goals, along with your children's.

    If you do this, you may want to consult an attorney who specializes in family law. It may not be legal to move your children to a different state if your husband wants custody or visitation.
    Faith, 3Aish redhead
    Mama to two wild superheroes and a curly-headed baby boy :love5:
  • medussamedussa Posts: 12,993Registered Users
    Wow. I don't know what to say. You're in a really tough spot.

    Does your husband work? I agree with everyone who suggested that you get yourself to see a counselor, with or without him. You need to figure out your next steps. If your husband agrees to split and have you take the kids, would it be at all feasible to move closer to or in with family?
  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    This is a very tough situation and I am so sorry for you. I agree with other posters who have said to talk to a lawyer and a counsellor, with or without your husband. It sounds like he would benefit from seeing a doctor, too, if you can get him there. I would look at all the options - staying married, going to your parents', going it alone.

    You're so young to have all those responsibilities! Of course, your family size and spacing is up to you, but I would suggest after the baby is born, utilizing some type of family planning until things are more settled (regardless of whether or not you are "supposed" to be able to conceive!) Another baby on top of everything else might be a little much right now.

    I feel for you. I hope you are able to work things out. And I hope that you can find a way to complete your education, even if it is part-time or on-line. I agree that trade school might be a good option for you too. I think ultimately having an education will give you and your children the most freedom and options - I know it is going to be a huge challenge, but you can do it. Kids are great motivators and you sound like you are a good mother who wants to do the best for them that you possibly can.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • TrenellTrenell Posts: 3,562Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    First off I like to say go screw yourself to anyone who wants to throw crap my way. What do you think I do all day sit on my ass? Seriously I was going to school part time, working part time, and taking care of both of my kids at the same time, while my lovely husband took care of them for 15 minutes a day, literally for the time I had to leave for work 7:45 p.m. until their bed time at 8. Seriously if you think I've tried nothing then you can kiss my a$$. On top of everything else I was working a job to bail our asses out b/c against my strong wishes he bought a house and a car we couldn't afford. He wouldn't let me save any of that money for myself so I could leave him, it all went to bills that I didn't rack up. I've got options. I can stay here and live off of child support, student loans, and possibly some help from my dad, and get a small part time at school or something. It's not like I haven't given it any thought. I just can't do that right now. So shot me if I don't want to have a miserable pregnancy and wind up a miserable person for another child.

    I don't think anyone has thrown crap at you. Or saying that you're lazy. The vibe I got is that all this stuff didn't happen overnight and the only way to solve it is to be proactive, have a detailed laid out plan.
  • naiha1naiha1 Posts: 209Registered Users
    First off I'm so sorry that your in so much pain with what's going on with your marriage. I wouldlove to say I can totally relate but my hubby isn't quite there yet. (the ususally stuff that men just don't get when it comes to parenting:disgust:) Plus ya got the pregnancy hormones goin on and all:sad2:.
    I agree with Trenell above. I certainly don't get the impression that you've just been sittin on you A$$. I sure there are more details and other issues that you don't have time to write. What I do think the common advice hear was a plan. You want your husband to leave and you asked for advice. Believe me everone on hear knows you don't mess with a preggie lady:angel2:. But your situation is pretty serious and I'm sure folks are just really trying to paint a true picture of what lies ahead based on the decisions that you make. It would be great if you could move closer to your family, cause your truly gonna need the support or find someone who will come to you. Ypu also mentioned that you husband was not like this when you were dating. Let me tell you my husband did a 360 when we got married. I spent so many bitter years feeling duped. I decided that i wouldn'thave a baby with him. I learned to "deal" (I use that for lackof a better word) with him, but I knew that with a child he just could not give me what I need emotionally. As I'm sure you understand things happen and I got pregnant. I was not excited at first!!!! And unfortunately most of my fears about his emotional unavailability have come true. The point is and I think also the point that a couple ofother people were trying to make is people show themselves (there true selves) early on. Dating we all send our representative to some extent. Living with someone day to day sharing responsibilites and so on, eventually the true self comes out. There is 3 years between this child your expecting and your last one. Were things better during those 3 years? had you guys had some counsling? Cause I have to say I'm curious about what made ya go for #3? No judgement as I explained earlier in my case unplanned pregnancies do happen!! I never advocate staying in a truly miserable situation just get a plan think every detail through before you just kick his A$$ out If he's willing togoto counseling try that first.
    Happy, Nappy, and Kinky 24/7!!
    4/b very coily
  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users Curl Neophyte
    :tweety:
    0004.gif

    Ever since the sports thread wars I have sensed a special connection between [edit] & Wile. Like the connection oil has to water. I almost can't speak of it. Wait....my eyes are misting. ~asq
    Let’s just stay together and tell the world to kiss our ass. ~P


  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,259Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    :tweety:


    Don't be coy, WileE. Why are you bumping this thread? Does this poster use another name?
  • WiregirlWiregirl Posts: 1,695Registered Users
    But what does this have to do with the crazy neighbors that she has?
  • FieryCurlsFieryCurls Posts: 2,904Registered Users
    :tweety:


    Don't be coy, WileE. Why are you bumping this thread? Does this poster use another name?

    Abstractcurls
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  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,259Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Ah...got it.
  • wild~hairwild~hair Posts: 9,890Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Ah...got it.

    I … don't.
    Wiregirl wrote: »
    But what does this have to do with the crazy neighbors that she has?

    What she said.
  • gekko422gekko422 Posts: 4,869Registered Users
    So because she was having a rough time with her husband, she deserves ****ty neighbors?

    Yeah, crazy still isn't the word I would be looking for.
    Democracy is not a spectator sport.

    You know why pandas are endangered? Cause pandas ain't got no game.

    Jesus loves you, but I'm his favorite.
  • mrspoppersmrspoppers Posts: 7,223Registered Users Curl Novice
    It makes no sense. SMH
    When are women going to face the fact that they don’t know their own bodies as well as men who have heard things?

    Don Langrick
    Bonsai Culturist
  • abstractcurlsabstractcurls Posts: 380Registered Users
    What is your problem Wile? I defended myself? I didn't call anyone anything. Some of the things people posted made me upset. I'm sorry about that. I never tried to cover up the fact I changed my name it's in my sig. You must have some serious issues. Like was suggested I got myself help and I'm finishing school now and trying to figure out if this marriage is going to work. Was I mad... hell yes. Did I vent a little too much... yeah. But why are you obsessed with it?
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