searching for ex's

Rebecca deWinterRebecca deWinter Posts: 2,254Registered Users
do you ever google your ex's name to see what they're up to?

what if your SO regularly does searches on google and myspace for his ex, but occasionally deletes the evidence later? would you say something? is it just general curiosity about what she's up to? or something more?

i'm not sure if i should say something because what he does on the computer is his private business....but it pertains to my life and it's really upsetting! the first time i saw it, i thought it was just a one time thing out of curiosity. but then i saw the searches popping up again and again and again, and i just don't know what to do.

a little more info: we've been together for six years. they were together for two years in high school. they didn't really end on good terms and haven't kept in touch, but we here about what she's up to through a friend of ours who still sees her.

i used to feel a lot of animosity towards her when he and i first started dating, but now, i really don't care. she's got her own life and i've got mine, but for some reason, my SO is really interested in what's going on with her.

i'm not sure if he wants to be friends with her again or if he still has feelings for her. and i'm not sure how i should ask him, or IF i should ask him or just let it go.

ugh! :toothy3:

eta: we each have our own computers now, but when i first saw this stuff, we were sharing one. now he uses mine often, and i use his, including internet. he knows that i can see what he looks at if he doesn't delete it from the address bar (i was teasing him about a *gentlemen's website* he was looking at one day). i've seen her myspace page address in the address bar many times, but he also deletes it later.
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Comments

  • merynmeryn Posts: 1,807Registered Users Curl Novice
    Well, curiousity has gotten the best of me and I've poked around a time or two. It's usually when I'm bored, quite frankly.

    Years ago my SO talked very wistfully (grrrrr....) about a girl named Sarah that he knew in high school. I remember her name because there was clearly sometime there. Fast forward to 7 years, I see her name in his in box a few times. I simply could not open it to see the content, but I did confront him. He said he did contact her through classmates.com and they exchanged a few emails just updating each other, not to worry, etc.

    I teased him about it a few times, I'd randomly start belting out "Sara", that really terrible song from the 80's by Starship. Sara, Sara, storms are brewin' in your eyes. Sara, Sara, no time is a good time, oh.... That was always good for a laugh and an eyeroll from him.

    Anyhow, I do choose to believe him that it's innocent. Sometimes I seek out friends from the past, it's a reminder of who and I am and where I came from. He's never given me any indication that he's been less that present with me - his past is his own.
  • MichelleBFTMichelleBFT Posts: 4,812Registered Users
    Two questions: How frequently does this happen (every week? every month? once a quarter?)? And when did it start?

    I'm ashamed to say, I google my exes. BUT, I have several, none of whom I'm more curious about than others. Well, none I'm significantly more interested in than others. These are people who were important to me once and it's fun for me to see who they've become, especially the people I wouldn't ever ever talk to again. I have more exes on Facebook than I've talked to in ages. And I likely never will talk to any of them. But it's neat to see what they're up to. It's nice to see other people, people that I know (or, more accurately, knew) get to certain milestones in their lives.

    If he started doing this, say, six months ago all of a sudden, and he's searching for exes all the time, I'd be surious: what happened to make him want to look these people up? I'd be curious, but even that doesn't necessarily mean anything.

    Talk to him about it. Clearly you knew this woman, so just ask him why he was searching. Not in an accusatory way, just ask. It's making you uncomfortable, so you have a right to discuss it.
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  • CynaminbearCynaminbear Posts: 4,476Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I've done it a couple of times, only out of curiosity and nothing else. I won't try to contact any of them because that's opening a can of worms and I think would be disrespectful to my husband.
    I wouldn't care if my husband did it because I was his 3rd girlfriend. I know the other two; one is really nice and her family was like a second family to him, and the other is his daughter's mother.
    There's no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold so he turned up the sun.
  • BoomygrrlBoomygrrl Posts: 4,940Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I agree. You should ask, but not in an accusatory way. It's bothering you, so you two need to talk about it.
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  • cymprenicympreni Posts: 9,609Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I've never actually googled any ex's. But there was one time I was actively seeking out info on one. He was my first love, who turned into a huge jerk. He really did a number on me. But I got over it eventually. Then several years later, I ran across an old friend, who still was friends with him. And OMG his life was a freaking mess. He treated me like dirt, and threw me out like garbage, then to find out years later he never got over me. HA! I couldn't get enough info. I thought stuff like that only happened in the movies.

    I would just ask him about it, act like it's just curiousity. For all you know it could be something innocent. Maybe it's closure, maybe he was curious one day, then he ended up finding her page interesting and just keeps checking back like one would with any stranger's blog.
  • Koukla72Koukla72 Posts: 1,680Registered Users
    Edited due to a cyberstalker. Sorry, guys. :(
  • mrspoppersmrspoppers Posts: 7,223Registered Users Curl Novice
    I admit I've googled one out of pure curiosity. We never ran in the same circles so I haven't heard anything about him in years. My husband and I trust each other 100% about our exes so I don't think he'd, just like I wouldn't care if he googled his.
    When are women going to face the fact that they don’t know their own bodies as well as men who have heard things?

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  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,259Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I google my ex's all the time...especially the one who owes me thousands in child support payments. I'm getting ready to hire a private detective to flesh-out the stuff I can't find online, because I WILL be getting my money from him.

    I have plenty of other ex's, whom I occasional google out of curiousity. I wouldn't contact them. I'm only wondering how they are doing. So many people keep online blogs and facebooks nowadays, that it's pretty hard not to search them out and read about them.

    My husband has exactly 2 ex's in his past. One was a high school sweetheart, whom I have met several times at reunions. The other was his wife of 10 years. They had no kids, so they have no real reason to keep in touch, but he emails her every few years to catch up on family. He tells me about it, and even forwards me the emails to read. I know he's not pining for either one of them, so I really don't care if he emails with them. I don't search his computer or read his correspondence. I have the passwords, but, frankly, his stuff is all work related and mondo-boring, and I'm really not interested. I trust him implicitly and if I wanted to read his stuff, I'd do it with him in the room. He trusts me too.

    Frankly, when it comes to cheating, I'd worry more about people the spouse might meet in the future, rather than from the past.
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,770Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    I do it because I am single & curious. If I was happily married I doubt I would feel the need unless I needed some closure.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • hadtochangemynamehadtochangemyname Posts: 628Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    When I was still married, I googled the relative that molested and raped me when I was a child. Does that mean I wanted to have a fling with him? I THINK NOT.

    (eta the first place I looked even before googling was looking up his criminal record. I sort of hoped that someone had stopped him, somewhere along the line...)

    Unless you talk to him, you will never know why. If knowing why is important to you, talk to him. If not, leave it be.
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  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,770Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    When I was still married, I googled the relative that molested and raped me when I was a child. Does that mean I wanted to have a fling with him? I THINK NOT.

    (eta the first place I looked even before googling was looking up his criminal record. I sort of hoped that someone had stopped him, somewhere along the line...)

    Unless you talk to him, you will never know why. If knowing why is important to you, talk to him. If not, leave it be.

    ((HUGS)):sad3:
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • subbrocksubbrock Posts: 8,212Registered Users
    i used to google my ex'es or look them up on myspace and junk like that. apparently im finally over them because i dont have the desire to do it anymore.

    if my SO were doing the same thing and then trying to delete the evidence id be pissed. to me deleting the evidence shows that he knows that it would be something i wouldnt be too happy to know about and/or its something more than "hmm i wonder what old so and so is up to..." im the type who would say something.

    i guess unless i had a situation like RCW, i dont see why my SO would need to be concerned with what his ex is doing. the whole thing would agitate me.
  • Rebecca deWinterRebecca deWinter Posts: 2,254Registered Users
    he has it bookmarked. i don't know how often he checks it, but generally when i bookmark a page, i look at it everyday. i haven't said anything yet..
    *~*displaced yooper*~*
    :hockey: \m/ \m/
    3069786076_f03f452f63.jpg?v=0
    master quigley and queen ruby, my puppy loves <3
  • MintMint Posts: 1,143Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Rebecca deWinter,

    What's your "gut" feeling on this? I find it a bit suspicious that he does it regularly and keeps clearing his history about it (unless of course, he's a techie who likes to keep his computer squeaky clean for optimum performance). If this is what consumes a lot of his computer time, I find it concerning.

    I think you should definitely talk to him about this in an open, non-accusatory way like other posters have said. Why should he be doing this when he has you?
    2a/M-C/ii hair. Super long.
  • Aries_jbAries_jb Posts: 1,556Registered Users
    I'll admit that I have looked up my exes on MySpace, but I think this is a very different situation the OP is in. We're talking about occasional curiousity versus regularly checking their page and who knows what else? I know that if I were constantly checking their page, it's because I was missing them, wanting to contact them, or already established contact with them. I don't even have my fiance's MySpace bookmarked. Something seems off...
    www.myspace.com/littlemonkey0403
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