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Joking around

AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users
Okay, so today at work one of the guys who moved up who used to be in our department came over and said hi to everyone. Something was said about our boss going over to a location on the South Side of town (which is the nicer side of town) and they joked that he was going to get "drugs". Something was said about the north side of town being the "rougher neighborhoods" (which is true) and I said that when I first got a car at 16, I was not allowed to drive at night, past N1st and go on the North Side of town. (The North side of town is where all the drug deals take place). The guy I work with (who has said the things about me smoking weed, etc) said "Well that's because Amanda is racist." I said "no I'm not" and the guy who came to visit said "So you voted for McCain then?". It really offended me, and the guys acted like it was nothing. Later they kept bugging me about why I was mad, so I wrote them an email letting them know it had offended me. The jerk guy wrote me back and said that it was just a joke. I told him I wasn't trying to be rude, but that sometimes certain things upset people, no matter the intent. He wrote back a huffy email saying "fine, I'll never joke around with you again, you won't have to worry about being offended". Why do people do that? Why don't they just apologize and say "hey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything other than a joke, but I'm sorry"? Why do they try to act like you are the one with the problem?
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Comments

  • M2LRTooM2LRToo Posts: 446Registered Users
    How old are these guys?
  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,059 Administrator
    I would say they act like you have the problem because they know they acted stupidly and don't want to admit it.
  • anonnymouseanonnymouse Posts: 1,340Registered Users
    Why do people do that? Why don't they just apologize and say "hey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything other than a joke, but I'm sorry"? Why do they try to act like you are the one with the problem?
    Because they are not mature enough to accept that they did something wrong and hurt somebody. They have to deflect that by putting it on you.
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  • AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users
    3 of them are 23/34 and the other was about 34 or so.
  • violetcurlsvioletcurls Posts: 434Registered Users
    It's their pride. They can't stand admitting they are wrong. Sometimes they even convince themselves that you are the one with the problem, not them. But you are not the one with the problem, and their "joking" was out of line. I think you handled the situation admirably and that they were to much into a "I'm right and you're wrong" attitude.
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  • AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users
    I shouldn't take any of them seriously, one of them told me when I found out who had stolen my credit cards, that I should have visited her in jail and tried to be her mentor. He said I was a bad person for not doing that. He's EXTREMELY self-righteous.
  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users
    Amanda, don't let those pricks get to you...
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  • KindaWavyKindaWavy Posts: 383Registered Users
    "fine, I'll never joke around with you again, you won't have to worry about being offended"


    Gah!! This is one of my biggest pet peeves- such a narcissistic and childish way to behave. It makes me want to flat-out throttle someone when I hear people saying this- whether it's directed towards me or anyone else. :angry7:

    I agree with the previous posters.. they were definitely out of line, and are most certainly pricks.
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  • NetGNetG Posts: 8,116Registered Users
    Stop engaging them.

    STOP.

    They are asses, clearly. We all know this. So STOP ENGAGING THEM.

    When they try to joke around and gossip with you? Cut them off. When they try to start giving you crap? Be firm and adult in telling them to knock it off.

    That is very inappropriate in a workplace, and you need to STOP ENGAGING THEM.
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  • KrazyblondegurlKrazyblondegurl Posts: 1,008Registered Users
    There are certain people at my workplace I don't engage with. Usually male dr/residents who like to stand around, joke, firt, tease. Some are very annoying, especially when I have work to do. So if I see them coming I walk the other way. Or if we're talking I don't discuss anything personal. Create boundaries. Distance yourself. They'll learn to respect you.
  • AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users
    It just sucks because my boss is male, and I have 3 other male coworkers. And the boss joins in with them sometimes in the joking around (not about me, but just in general). They make me feel like I'm killing their good time when I say something, but hell, women and men are not the same, and they need to realize I'm not going to think the same things are funny.
  • NetGNetG Posts: 8,116Registered Users
    You need to turn OFF that Southern Charm I'm sure you have in abundance! :)

    Imagine those of us who are most caustic on this board when we disagree with someone. And channel our personalities. I'm totally serious - the way you talk, I bet you're VERY nice in person, and you just need to channel some mean!


    In case anyone misunderstands - I do not think this is Amanda's fault. Nor do I think she should have to do this. However, she clearly works with children, so she needs to channel the stern schoolmarm to keep them in line!
    The pews never miss a sermon but that doesn't get them one step closer to Heaven.
    -Speckla

    But at least the pews never attend yoga!
  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users
    lol @ NetG..
    Yeah, that Southern charm, I can see that :)
    I need to show you my don't f w/ me look... :toothy7:
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    Ever since the sports thread wars I have sensed a special connection between [edit] & Wile. Like the connection oil has to water. I almost can't speak of it. Wait....my eyes are misting. ~asq
    Let’s just stay together and tell the world to kiss our ass. ~P


  • SleighSleigh Posts: 1,226Registered Users
    It just sucks because my boss is male, and I have 3 other male coworkers. And the boss joins in with them sometimes in the joking around (not about me, but just in general). They make me feel like I'm killing their good time when I say something, but hell, women and men are not the same, and they need to realize I'm not going to think the same things are funny.

    i work with men too.

    the one time (we're all pretty casual with one another) a couple of the guys mentioned they liked their women drugged out like lindsay lohan.

    i said i understood. i liked my men so drunk they couldnt talk

    :toothy7:

    they shuddup.

    a lot of talk with men is bravado and shock value. dont let it get to you and feel free to tell them to "go to hell" (in so many words)
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  • AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users
    Sleigh wrote: »
    It just sucks because my boss is male, and I have 3 other male coworkers. And the boss joins in with them sometimes in the joking around (not about me, but just in general). They make me feel like I'm killing their good time when I say something, but hell, women and men are not the same, and they need to realize I'm not going to think the same things are funny.

    i work with men too.

    the one time (we're all pretty casual with one another) a couple of the guys mentioned they liked their women drugged out like lindsay lohan.

    i said i understood. i liked my men so drunk they couldnt talk

    :toothy7:

    they shuddup.

    a lot of talk with men is bravado and shock value. dont let it get to you and feel free to tell them to "go to hell" (in so many words)

    Well like yesterday, they think I'm "difficult" and I said I don't like living with a roommate, I'd rather get a one bedroom, and I was talking about renting a bigger place. One of the guys said for me to get a roommate and I said "eh, no". He kept ragging on me insinuating it was my problem and that I was disagreeable. I went back at him and said "I'd rather live by myself, than with my parents" because he still does. He shut up quick because all the other guys started laughing.
  • NetGNetG Posts: 8,116Registered Users
    Well like yesterday, they think I'm "difficult" and I said I don't like living with a roommate, I'd rather get a one bedroom, and I was talking about renting a bigger place. One of the guys said for me to get a roommate and I said "eh, no". He kept ragging on me insinuating it was my problem and that I was disagreeable. I went back at him and said "I'd rather live by myself, than with my parents" because he still does. He shut up quick because all the other guys started laughing.

    Dooooon't talk about your personal life with those losers!!!!!

    Again - be the stern schoolmarm. Do not be their friend. Do not engage them. They are children, so treat them that way.
    The pews never miss a sermon but that doesn't get them one step closer to Heaven.
    -Speckla

    But at least the pews never attend yoga!
  • TillyMunchyWavesTillyMunchyWaves Posts: 671Registered Users
    Amanda, it sounds like these guys are a bunch of pills. Very difficult to deal with. Judging by some of the conversations you've had (esp the crazy credit card one) these people sound like it's hard to have any type of non-work conversation.

    Maybe they are intimidated by you and that's why they give you such a hard time? I don't know why someone would give you a hard time for saying that you don't want a roomate.

    If not too personal, what kind of work do you do? What kind of office is it?
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  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users
    I'm thinking they're just pissed b/c you won't give them the time of day... :blob7:
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    Ever since the sports thread wars I have sensed a special connection between [edit] & Wile. Like the connection oil has to water. I almost can't speak of it. Wait....my eyes are misting. ~asq
    Let’s just stay together and tell the world to kiss our ass. ~P


  • BoomygrrlBoomygrrl Posts: 4,940Registered Users
    It sounds like they are giving you a hard time, but I'm not sure why. They're either jealous, sexist, so immature that they hate being around mature people (they may see mature people as a kill joy), or they like you. Not necessarily in a sexual way...but they like teasing you because it's fun to get a reaction out of you. I think once they realize you are not amused, it is their responsibility to back off. If they don't, then you may want to limit your discussions with them to work-related.
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  • AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users
    Amanda, it sounds like these guys are a bunch of pills. Very difficult to deal with. Judging by some of the conversations you've had (esp the crazy credit card one) these people sound like it's hard to have any type of non-work conversation.

    Maybe they are intimidated by you and that's why they give you such a hard time? I don't know why someone would give you a hard time for saying that you don't want a roomate.

    If not too personal, what kind of work do you do? What kind of office is it?

    Well we work for a holding company that owns 10 banks, we audit/review a certain portion of loans from each of the banks and present reports, pretty much make sure they're doing their jobs right and not cutting corners. We also analyze the customers financial statements and see if they really can repay the loan, and if it looks like trouble, we flag it and the bank can set aside money in case of a loss. It's a training position to become a loan officer at one of the 10 banks.
  • AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users
    The main one that pisses me off (he's the one behind the red eyes comments, the smoking weed, even insinuated I had a big butt one day - I'm a size 2) acts like he's free to give me his opinion on everything, even if I didn't ask for it. Like if I wear a red shirt, he'll say it matches my hair. If I go and get my hair cut and colored he'll say "not again" and act like I'm too frivolous, and he dates these real overdone looking girls that are too tan, too blonde, and just too fake. He'll say "I don't like your hair" or any other number of things. It's like he thinks the decisions I make about my personal appearance should be run by him or something, and it pisses me off. I'm not his g/f, I'm not his sister, I'm his coworker. The other two guys will back off, and only occasionally tease and I can tell that they don't mean anything bad by it. I can read people very well, and this guy it seems like he's trying to make me insecure. I know he thinks a lot of himself and I know he was Mr. Popular in school, but he still acts like that jerk ass from hs.

    ETA: The other day someone was talking about Steinmart going out of business in our town, and I said I could hardly find things there to fit me (because alot of stuff is too big), and he piped in with "Maybe you should shop at Lane Bryant". And if I get mad he gets all stern acting and says "stop it, you know I was kidding".
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    It just sucks because my boss is male, and I have 3 other male coworkers. And the boss joins in with them sometimes in the joking around (not about me, but just in general). They make me feel like I'm killing their good time when I say something, but hell, women and men are not the same, and they need to realize I'm not going to think the same things are funny.

    I agree with NetG. You just need to ignore them. And yea they can't joke around with you at all and you don't need to be buddy buddy with them since they are immature.
  • Gemini13Gemini13 Posts: 5,000Registered Users
    This guy just sounds like a total immature joke. I think I said before (or maybe I was just agreeing with another poster, ha) that he sounds like a schoolboy who pulls the pigtails of a girl he has a crush on. I agree that you should just ignore him- like, don't even aknowledge him when he makes his stupid remarks. It doesn't sound like he's going to grow up and change his behavior any time soon, the best you can do is not give him the reaction he's looking for.

    And I hear ya about working with guys... I'm the only woman in my group. It can lead to awkward moments. One of my co-workers isn't always the most appropriate either, there have been times when my boss had to call him out for some of the things he's said (but they're rarely directed at me). Fortunately, there are a lot of other women working on my floor, so I'm not completely surrounded by guys!
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  • vegas_curlsvegas_curls Posts: 857Registered Users
    I've never commented on your previous threads about your co-workers' childish behaviour (although I have read them) so forgive me for butting in. Take NetG, Krazyblondegurl and Wiley's advice.

    I've worked in several male-dominated environments so I can definitely sympathize/empathize with you:

    1) Stop engaging w/ them:
    It's obvious that whatever personal view you express is going to be turned against you, so why give 'em a stick to beat you with? If it's not work related, then keep your words few.

    2) Don't let them get to you:
    Some men (obviously the ones you work with) are still boys mentally, and all they want is attention. It does not matter whether it's positive or negative attention. It strokes their egos when you show emotion - be it humor or disgust - so they'll continue to say/do things to get a rise out of you. In a sick way, it gives them power over you, knowing that they can "play you" like that. So with that in mind, keep your emotions in check. Remember the old cliches "Keep a stiff upper lip", and "Be like a duck and let it roll off your back like water"? Yeah, do both.

    3) Do your job, and do it well:
    You aren't being paid to be their friend. You'll command more respect from them if you're the best at what you do. Personal conversation may help the day go by faster, but which would you rather have, personal banter with frustration OR keeping to yourself and maintaining mental peace?

    4) Be "in control":
    Say you're at your desk working and one of them approaches with a non-work related question or statement. Without looking up from your document/screen, hold up your index finger (as if to say "hold on a sec") and continue to view your document/screen for the next 5 or 10 seconds. After doing such, you can do 1 of 2 things:
    a.) Without looking up, say "Uh.... yeah... you know what, I'm right in the middle of this project and really need to give it my full attention... maybe I'll catch up with you later..." (but never do, of course);
    b.) OR, turn your head to them, but keep your eyes on the document/screen and then distractedly say, "Ummm... what?"
    Making them wait for your response gives the signal that you'll answer them when it's convenient to YOU. Never giving them eye contact says that their presence/question really isn't that important to you. Starting your sentence with "uh" or "um" means you've paid no attention to what what they said. An added plus - NO one likes to repeat him/herself, so it's a very subtle way of getting right back under their skin. *snarky grin* This is one of my favorite methods of dealing w/ annoying people.

    5) If at all possible, wear headphones and listen to music while you work. If those dudes make bothersome comments within earshot, well, they can't bug you if you can't hear them. Once they get a clue that you're not phased and/or ignoring them, they'll leave you alone.

    Sorry for the dissertation, but I hope this helps. The above ladies already gave you the meat, I'm just adding some steak sauce. :wink:
  • LAwomanLAwoman Posts: 2,949Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    It might be time for a new job.

    Just saying...
  • AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users
    Okay, this freaking JUST happened. I told my boss before I left that I was going to get my hair done as in colored. I get back and he asks the ******* coworker why my hair looks "drier" today. He turns to me and says "hey, what's with your hair, did you not use gel today". I asked him why my hair is a point of conversation and he flipped out. He said "I swear, I'm going to shoot myself" in frustration. I told him to go ahead, I was tired of his drama queen fits.
  • ZinniaZinnia Posts: 7,339Registered Users
    Why are you telling your boss that you are getting your hair colored?

    They are so unprofessional...and you were worried about having another woman in the group? Perhaps having a second woman would level the field.

    You have to show people how to treat you. You need to put some boundaries.
    Life shrinks or expands according to one's courage. Anais Nin
  • AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users
    Windflower wrote: »
    Why are you telling your boss that you are getting your hair colored?

    They are so unprofessional...and you were worried about having another woman in the group? Perhaps having a second woman would level the field.

    You have to show people how to treat you. You need to put some boundaries.

    Because I left work for a hair appt.
  • ZinniaZinnia Posts: 7,339Registered Users
    You can't just say you have an appointment and that you need to leave early? Do you not have PTO? PTO can be used for any reason, and you don't have to give the reason why.
    Life shrinks or expands according to one's courage. Anais Nin
  • TillyMunchyWavesTillyMunchyWaves Posts: 671Registered Users
    This thread is interesting, because I work exclusively with women, and have for the last 5 years. I really, really miss working with men. But maybe it's just a 'grass is greener on the other side' thing.
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