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the backhanded compliment

mrl234mrl234 Posts: 548Registered Users
Does anyone else ever have this experience? I used to straighten my hair on a semi-regular basis, and there's a certain kind of person that would always say things like, "WOW, it looks SO NICE when you straighten it!!! You should do that EVERY DAY!" :banghead:

Ironically, the more people said things like this to me, the less frequently I straightened my hair. It was just so irritating and insulting, the way it was said. It's one thing to say it looks good straight. It's another entirely to say I should never wear it curly ever again.
:happy10:
fia 2C/3A-F-iii, sensitive to some proteins
CGish since 10-16-08
Low-poo: Yes to Carrots Daily Pampering Shampoo (1-2x/week)
Rinse outs: Yes to Carrots Pampering Mud Conditioner
Styling: a little bit of leave in and a little bit of KCCC, diffusing
Olive oil DTs, honey rinses in the summer :)
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Comments

  • SleighSleigh Posts: 1,226Registered Users
    mrl234 wrote: »
    Does anyone else ever have this experience? I used to straighten my hair on a semi-regular basis, and there's a certain kind of person that would always say things like, "WOW, it looks SO NICE when you straighten it!!! You should do that EVERY DAY!" :banghead:

    Ironically, the more people said things like this to me, the less frequently I straightened my hair. It was just so irritating and insulting, the way it was said. It's one thing to say it looks good straight. It's another entirely to say I should never wear it curly ever again.

    i think we've all gotten that.

    so when i do straighten it....i dont wash it...so i can secretly think "you just complimented my dirty hair bwahahahahha"
    2c hair. maybe a little porous? my hair likes suave, vo5 and the big tease. going to be trying more lush soon. not sure how i feel about dr bronners.

    letting my hair be natural again after getting it straightened. yeah yeah, im a traitor :pirate:
  • curlywurlygurlycurlywurlygurly Posts: 1,180Registered Users
    sleigh... that's great I like it! Some people are just so ignorant, rude and just plain old jealous :toothy10: :happy4: :laughing2:
    2 something Australian :toothy4:

    /home/leaving?target=http%3A%2F%2Fpublic.fotki.com%2Fcurlywurlygurly%2F" class="Popup
    pw:aussie

    Aiming to grow hair to waist from buzz cut - slowly but surely.
  • CottonCandyCurlsCottonCandyCurls Posts: 344Registered Users
    mrl234 wrote: »
    Does anyone else ever have this experience? I used to straighten my hair on a semi-regular basis, and there's a certain kind of person that would always say things like, "WOW, it looks SO NICE when you straighten it!!! You should do that EVERY DAY!" :banghead:

    Ironically, the more people said things like this to me, the less frequently I straightened my hair. It was just so irritating and insulting, the way it was said. It's one thing to say it looks good straight. It's another entirely to say I should never wear it curly ever again.

    Aww that kind of sucks. You should just say thanks and talk about how you love how versatile your hair is. I remember that's what some of the sassier curly head girls I know would do in such a situation. They would talk on and on about how their hair could do just about anything while their little backhanded frenemies seethed with jealousy. Haha
  • CurlyminxCurlyminx Posts: 5,581Registered Users
    I get non-stop back-handed compliments when I straighten it. ANd it usually isn't even that NICE!!

    So I guess my curlies are SO bad, that they look worse than a frizzy ball of semi-straight-semi-kinky hair on my head.

    GREEEEEAAAAAT!! :boxing:

    I usual just say "thanks for the backhanded compliment" and then they end up feeling like jerks.

    Its like the time I met a friend of an ex (the friend had only seen me in pictures), who told me that I looked better in person. WTF?! Ok Mr. I-have-no-idea-how-to-compliment-correctly, THANKS. hehehe...

    I swear. :cwm21:
    tumblr_mk2chrdnQe1qzwi58o1_500.gif
    Mix of 3s, thick, coarse, medium porosity

    Current hair styling technique: rake with a scrunch at the end. (works with my coarse hair)

    /home/leaving?target=http%3A%2F%2Fpublic.fotki.com%2Fcurlymix%2F" class="Popup
    pw: curls

    Known HGs: KCCC, homemade fsg, honey
  • onethousandcurlsonethousandcurls Posts: 1,118Registered Users
    I get things like that, but not since I stop straightening my hair in June. Now, I get ZERO comments one way or the other, but I like to chalk that up to transitioning.
    3b/c, CG 9/18/08
    Last process: 04/05/08 Big Chop: 08/08/09
    Currently: Herbal Essences Hello Hydration, Herbal Essences Set Me Up gel (summer only), Boots Curl Creme (winter only)
  • lazykerrilazykerri Posts: 650Registered Users
    My husband once said "it wasn't like you were trying to have your hair look nice" (paraphrasing). But I forgave him. Eventually ;)

    The context was that he we were riding the bus and two people were talking about my hair "behind my back" (really rude) and the guy said to his female friend or girlfriend that her hair used to look like that when she relaxed it, and it looks much better now. Well, I don't know about that.

    I had something like third day hair, pretty frizzy and undefined curls, worn in a ponytail. So no, I didn't think it looked gorgeous, but I still didn't appreciate being talked about and criticized indirectly!

    I tend to try to avoid confrontation though, and didn't say anything till later, talking with my husband. He said they were rude and the comment above (it's not like I thought it looked good).

    Lately I haven't gotten any comments for months, except from my sis, who said it looked good. My hair is really long now (waist length) and I'm thinking of a hair cut because it's high maintenance and takes forever to dry!

    :cat:
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    ~ Always naturally lazy and curly! ~

    Photo album password: curly
    Blog: lazykerri.wordpress.com
    Curl Type: 3a Fii
    Current Favorites:
    • Jessicurl Too Shea Conditioner
    • Jessicurl Confident Coils
    • Rockin Ringlets, and
    • Herbal Essences Set Me Up Gel
  • Noelle1966Noelle1966 Posts: 87Registered Users
    Sometimes I believe that people are just plain not thinking before they talk. When I used to do something with my hair, I would hear "It looks better." That's not a compliment at all.
    3A. I like Wella Kolestral. I also like a lot of products made by Nexxus.
  • a_cowens5a_cowens5 Posts: 45Registered Users
    I used to straighten my hair for events and functions and such, and everybody would always say something like that. The last school thingie I went to (senior boat cruise) a friend told me "I'm not gonna lie, you should have just left it curly". I don't know why, I mean that's not even a compliment and they're just one individual, but for some reason, I just decided to never straighten my hair again. Or at least not for junior prom, which is the next thingie.
    3A,3B ish...
  • Lil'curlsLil'curls Posts: 275Registered Users
    This one guy who sits behind me in class is fascinated by my hair, but is always saying how he wants to come over and straighten it for me. I actually told him once, "Thanks for the backhanded compliment." He was so apologetic, and said that he loved my hair either way.

    I think my hair looks so horrible straight, it was so big, and had no shine at all.
    Teenage curly with 3a-3b course curls
    Shampoo: DCLP
    Rinse Out: GVP conditioning balm in winter. Devacurl One Condition in Summer
    Co Wash: Suave
    Styler: LA Looks Curl Gel
    Leave in: Devacurl One Condition

    event.png


  • shimmer_sparkleshimmer_sparkle Posts: 17Registered Users
    I hate 'compliments' like this...aarrrgghh! I suppose they mean well, but seriously!
  • solsistr77solsistr77 Posts: 20Registered Users
    Ok. I don't wear my hair straight very often because of a couple reasons. One...I hate how much time it takes. It's annoying. Two...even if I do the chemical relaxer, either a. no one knows how to put one in(I even went to a woman who put them in every day, and she still didn't know how to put it in my hair!) or b. it doesn't take enough of the curl out to where I still have to flat iron it every day. Granted, it takes 1/4 of the time, but it's so expensive to do a chemical relaxer!

    Anyway...So, I joined a new church back in September. They had never seen me with my hair straight. So, one day, I decided to try to straighten my hair...and I got the same thing! "Wow..your hair looks great!" Everyone is still telling me, "Your hair looked wonderful straight. You should do that every day." It is so frustrating. It's really frustrating when I got on a dating site and post a picture of me by myself with my hair curly. Then I posted a picture of my sisters and me at a wedding. I straightened my hair that day. Why did the picture of me get 3 1/2 stars, but the one with my sisters got 5 stars! :angry2:

    Why can't people see the beauty in my curly hair?! Sorry, I had to vent. Thank you for letting me and relating to me. Be blessed! :glasses1:
    In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God concerning you.
  • Loop-ELoop-E Posts: 29Registered Users
    This kind of thing is so frustrating! I get it from my dad - last time I straightened my hair around him was when he visited last May, and he said, "Gee, kiddo, your hair actually looks pretty nice when you comb it."

    Argh. I was so excited to finally get the curls I'd always wanted, even if I did have to wait until my 30s, and Dad thinks they are too messy.

    If he ever saw it combed and not straightened, though, he'd know what messy is!
    3a on a good day - fine-thick, thirsty hair
    Inverted bob, love but debating more length
    Hair likes: very small amounts of shea butter to keep the ends neat, AVG, FSG, wheat protein
    Hair dislikes: Glycerin, too much salt
    SLS-free, occasional organic low-poo
    Co-wash and leave-in: Suave Naturals
    Products: FOTE, Nexxus Alluring Curls
    Trying: homemade FSG, Lustrasilk Shea+Mango
    Winter DT: In 4oz bottle: 2 tsp each EVOO/conditioner; pea-sized amount of shea; eighth-tsp of mag-sulfate; fill with FOTE.
  • AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users
    I straightened my hair once around a group of friends who always raved about my curls and from some of the guys got the "wow, you are so beautiful" when I had straight hair. I was like, am I not when I have curly hair?
  • whaletalkwhaletalk Posts: 7Registered Users
    Yeah, my grandmother tells me this all the time and I hate it! I love my hair curly or straight!!!:love7:
  • KinkyKeeperKinkyKeeper Posts: 963Registered Users
    I had to post these video, so so true.

    /home/leaving?target=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DbEiCrejLnVY%26amp%3Bfeature%3Dchannel_page" class="Popup


    /home/leaving?target=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DSXC0bQZ2zZI%26amp%3Bfeature%3Dchannel_page" class="Popup
    I noticed this. I had my hair relaxed for quite some time so I didn't really go back and forth, it was always straight. Of course the whole reason I relaxed in the 1st place was people making fun of my napptural kinky hair so I guess that counts.

    But when I wore weaves I noticed this drastically. If I wore a curly weave I would get far less compliments than when I straightened the weave or wore a straight weave. I remember after getting a sew in straight weave after taking out a cute curly weave my dad's reaction. "Wow, it looks so much better, yeah." That was so sad. But now I realize he has his own curly issues. He is Italian and he used to tell me how people would tell him to "go back where he came from" and recently someone thought he was a black guy. His hair is so curly he used to pick it into a fro (back in the 70's). So he's basically got the same identity issues I do with natural hair. So I know now I can't rely on him to compliment my hair or tell my it looks better curly.nappy.kinky.coily becuase he has been just as brainwashed. So lesson is: sometimes people have their own self hatred issues. The majority of people who hate my natural hair are naturals in denial. Funny how that works.

    Also in the end, you got to go natural for yourself. Everyone is going to have an opinion, but I can't live my life for other people. Until kinky curly hair is more mainstream and accepted I have to be my own cheerleader. Plus this site and others help. :laughing6:
  • MintMint Posts: 1,143Registered Users
    Ooh, I hate those! I can't tell you how many times people have told me to straighten my hair, scrunch it, get highlights, etc. because it would look "sooo good!". Those people aren't even my friends and they tell me what to do with my appearance.
    2a/M-C/ii hair. Super long.
  • j-jill. j-jill. Posts: 147Registered Users
    I don't think they DISLIKE the curly look, but because the straight hair IS a change, they notice it more, and will probably admire it more.
    I remember people thought that I looked really good with straight hair because I ALWAYSS straightened it.. but then when I let my natural curly hair in they were all like "OMG WHY DONT YOU WEAR YOUR CURLY HAIR ALL THE TIME?!".
    Now, because I finally embraced my natural look, when I sometimes straighten it, my friends comment on my straight hair because it's a chaaaange.
    I know if someone said your comment to me, I would feel a little bit offended, but honestly.. don't worry. They aren't trying to say it in a mean way, they're just saying it as a compliment and they're just trying to emphasize.
    Hair Type: 2b/2c (:



  • MomocurlsMomocurls Posts: 4Registered Users
    Agh, I hate backhanded compliments. I straightened my hair for three days in a row, and when I went back to curly this guy walked up to me and said "Hey... I think I like your hair more straight." Actually that wasn't even a backhanded compliment now that I think of it. It was just sort of rude. I kicked him in the shin, and he was like "WHAT!? IT WAS A COMPLIMENT!"

    I remember back in middle school, the first day I straightened my hair I got all these compliments on how great it looked. But there was this one girl that said to me "I like your hair, but I think I like it more curly." It was probably my favorite compliment I've ever gotten.
  • wild_sasparillawild_sasparilla Posts: 4,306Registered Users
    Momocurls wrote: »
    Agh, I hate backhanded compliments. I straightened my hair for three days in a row, and when I went back to curly this guy walked up to me and said "Hey... I think I like your hair more straight." Actually that wasn't even a backhanded compliment now that I think of it. It was just sort of rude. I kicked him in the shin, and he was like "WHAT!? IT WAS A COMPLIMENT!"

    I remember back in middle school, the first day I straightened my hair I got all these compliments on how great it looked. But there was this one girl that said to me "I like your hair, but I think I like it more curly." It was probably my favorite compliment I've ever gotten.

    GO GIRL!! What a loser, like it's ever a compliment to tell someone, "Hey, I don't like how you look today, you should spend tons of time and effort frying it just to please me."
    OMG, LOOK!!

    ...It's a siggie. :shock:
  • elizeliz Posts: 6Registered Users
    I always get that "compliment", and Sleigh, that is hysterical!
    CG & no heat since 03/06/2009! :happy3:
    Scalp: Suave Naturals Coconut;
    occasional brown sugar scrub
    Hair: Suave Naturals Coconut;
    honey & other concoctions 1-3 times a month!

    My hair needs a lot of moisture. I'd appreciate any affordable suggestions!
  • curlyandproud124112curlyandproud124112 Posts: 49Registered Users
    YEEESSSSS! This always happens and mow I have stoppe straightening my hair except for like 4 times year for fun, sometimes even less. Let the curls fly!!!
    Hair Type: 2c/3a/3b
    Products: Redken ringlet 07, It works perfectly! a match made in heaven

    I LOVE being curly!
  • ranmaleinranmalein Posts: 8Registered Users
    one day, i "straightened" my hair by blow-drying it straight, no flat iron. and 2 friends of mine were like "woooow, you straightened your hair, it's gorgeous!". when i met one of them again when i used a curler and it looked really good, she said nothing...
    she probably thought it was a huge complient when in reality i felt a little bit insulted. like my hair doesn't look good when i don't straighten it...
  • brown_eyedgal20brown_eyedgal20 Posts: 412Registered Users
    Sleigh wrote: »
    mrl234 wrote: »
    Does anyone else ever have this experience? I used to straighten my hair on a semi-regular basis, and there's a certain kind of person that would always say things like, "WOW, it looks SO NICE when you straighten it!!! You should do that EVERY DAY!" :banghead:

    Ironically, the more people said things like this to me, the less frequently I straightened my hair. It was just so irritating and insulting, the way it was said. It's one thing to say it looks good straight. It's another entirely to say I should never wear it curly ever again.

    i think we've all gotten that.

    so when i do straighten it....i dont wash it...so i can secretly think "you just complimented my dirty hair bwahahahahha"

    Dirty hair....nice! I do that too!
    2c/3aMiii

    Loving JC and CK products...:) Been loving them for 3 years...looking to branch out and try new things!!!
  • Curlie LocksCurlie Locks Posts: 40Registered Users
    I always get compliments on my curls and when i do straighten my hair (which is like once every 2-4 months) I get fewer compliments.....
    3a/b Miii
    Good Elasticity
    Long Hair(Half Way Down back when curly)

    :toothy2:

    I am a dimpled curly haired lunatic! :fish:

  • thusualthusual Posts: 1Registered Users
    People do this to me all of the time, usually my closest friends. I rarely straighten my hair since it takes almost 2 hours if not longer, and I hate the damage. But whenever I do people exclaim about how much they love love my straight hair.
    Sunday was my BF's graduation and my friend called around 11 to see when to go, I told her I had been up since 7 something getting ready, she immediately jumped in and asked if I straightened it. When I said no, I could hear the disappointment in her voice and she said she wanted me to straighten it. It's nice that people like my hair like that, but it upsets me so much and it bothers me for awhile afterwards. Ugh! BF did want my hair curly though :)
  • burgundy_locksburgundy_locks Posts: 2,420Registered Users
    My aunt's nosey neighbor- who is her sister in law does this all the time. i come into the house with my hair curly, and actually looking good since its freshly washed and style. then she says, oh, are you going to do your hair to day? B93CH! can't you see it's already done!?!??!?! and then she throws in 'you want your BF to see it like that'? And i just respond back HE LOVES IT in a sensual almost inappropriate way.. LOL. that gets her off my case... LOL.
    para los gustos se hicieron los colores

    i has no hair type? (medium, f-iii), normal porosity, LOW elasticity.
    CG journey began 2/8/09 - 4-08-09.. and then mod cg 4/14/09 -... 03/02/10- Barely CG but I like CG products :)
    wash with Low Poo or Poo
    condition with GVP Conditioning Balm or CJ BC Daily, Loreal Color Vive for Color Treated Hair Thats Normal
    Leave ins- Garnier S&S; Marrakesh oil
    style with - Ohm SHP; KCCC- BRHG or Boots- KCCC- BRHG; CIAB; CCCC
    Protein- GVP Joico K-Pak
    Play with ACV
  • AguaCarbonicaAguaCarbonica Posts: 10Registered Users
    I don't know what you all look like, but I've noticed another disturbing trend.

    I have dark skin with 3b/3c curls that are especially loose when wet. Black women are always coming up to me telling me that they love the way my hair looks, and "How did you get it like that?" When I tell them I just washed it and put in moisturizer, they look at me like I'm lying or coo over it like it's amazing.

    It is very frustrating because either they are shocked that my hair could be this "good" because I have dark skin, or they are permed and envious because they don't think they could achieve the hair "ideal."

    But OP (original poster, do you guys say that here?), don't take it personally! Most of these people are insulting themselves, not you. They have embarrassingly internalized a straight-haired beauty ideal, and they are often very impressed that you could go from curly to a beautiful straight hairstyle as well. Sometimes they are criticizing the curls but usually it's just the shocking change that grabs their attention, like when you get a haircut.
  • curlygirl1995curlygirl1995 Posts: 48Registered Users
    I've gotten that once or twice. Ever since then, the straightener is only for my bangs! I don't put up with that crap. My hair is my business!
  • tengoRizostengoRizos Posts: 195Registered Users
    im kinda a b-word when it comes to my hair, so if someone tells me they love my hair when i straighten it, my straight hair is so beautiful, i would look better with straight hair, etc.. i just say "really? i was just thinking how much better you would look with curls. i guess it just depends on your definition of beautiful"

    -the mean ones shutup pretty fast when i say that

    and the curlies who straighten then ask me how i do my hair. :toothy5:
    2c/3a mix and very fine, normal porosity
    Shampoo: Loreal EverSleek Sulfate-free (Only 1 or 2x a week)

    CoWash Suave Naturals Coconut or VO5 Kiwi Lime Squeeze

    Rinse Out: Giovanni 2chic Avocado and Olive Oil or GVPCB

    Leave in: More Suave Naturals Coconut or GVPCB Always diluted with water/epsom salt spray

    Products: AG Re:coil with EcoStyler Olive Oil gel or HETT gel


  • thefossilchickthefossilchick Posts: 25Registered Users
    I get a lot of "You'd be so pretty if you (straightened, cut it, blow dried, etc.)". When I reply, "Wow, I think I look pretty just as I am right now" people tend to stop commenting.

    When I started dating my BF, my friends would straighten my hair before we'd go on a date. I found it mildly insulting ("You can't possibly go out with your hair like that!") but I liked the time with my friends so I went along with it. Well one night BF and I got caught in the rain and the curls came out -- he was shocked because he had no idea I had wavy hair and he really liked it. My friends, in turn, were shocked that he liked it! Some people will never learn!
    2b/2c medium to coarse, medium porosity

    Wash: Jessicurl HCC, V05 Tea Therapy
    Condish: Jessicurl Too Shea, AOHR
    Stylers: Naturelle Hypoallergenic Gel, Jessicurl CC and RR
    Trying to figure out plopping...:sign6:
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