Should I ask her?

ShrekLoverShrekLover Registered Users Posts: 2,551 Curl Neophyte
I have a friend of 25 years that I only see twice a year anymore. We get toghether in June for my birthday lunch and in October for hers. About 4 years ago she skipped my birthday that year and the next. I still contacted her for her birthday but neither time did either of us bring up her ignoring/forgetting my birthday. I really don't believe she forgot, I think her birthday lunch would have reminded her and she would have mentioned it if she had forgotten.

So she resumed contacting me after the second year, but I've always wondered if she really wanted to. I feel like we have fun and connect well at the lunches but a part of me is wondering if I should actually ask her what happened and if she would rather not get together. I know that is putting her on the spot, but I figured doing it by e-mail would make it easier for her to be honest (please don't suggest I do it by phone, I hate talking on the phone even for pleasant conversations). I don't make friends easily and really hate to lose her as I really like her, BUT I've come to a point in my life where I really only want people in my life who want to be in it. I have other friends, a wonderful, loving husband, and am very close to my sister who I consider a friend.

I certainly don't want to come across to her as accusing, complaining, or whining. I just really want the truth. What should I do?


  • 2poodles2poodles Registered Users Posts: 2,485 Curl Connoisseur
    I think sending her an email is a great idea. You can just ask her if she feels like catching up over lunch one day this fall. If you never hear back from her or if she's too busy, you'll have her answer. And it might be less pressure to do a seasonal lunch as opposed to one(s) around birthdays.

    I have a friend who gets depressed every so often and when that happens, she won't initiate contact with anyone. I end up having to reach out to her all of the time, but we both have fun once I do that. It's just the way she can be and I've learned to not take it personally....
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]2Poodles :flower: Southeast PA
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  • ShrekLoverShrekLover Registered Users Posts: 2,551 Curl Neophyte
    2poodles thanks, but I am trying to decide if I should contact her about her October birthday lunch. She will definitely go if I do, but what I am asking is should I ask her about the skipped years first?

    I must have been unclear.
  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Banned Users Posts: 24,963 Curl Neophyte
    No...see how the lunch goes. I am a face-to-face person :dontknow:
  • banjocurlbanjocurl Registered Users Posts: 1,031 Curl Connoisseur
    sdc wrote: »
    2poodles thanks, but I am trying to decide if I should contact her about her October birthday lunch. She will definitely go if I do, but what I am asking is should I ask her about the skipped years first?

    I must have been unclear.

    figure out what your goal is. my experience is that people do not do what they do not want to do. if she did not want to see you, she would not go out to lunch with you. as far as the skipped birthday, you could lightly ask her about it when you see her without putting a lot of baggage on it, or just let it go and see what the relationship is like now. i like the suggestion of a seasonal date rather than a bday date.
    Susan suburban NY
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  • penelopetxpenelopetx Registered Users Posts: 1
    Had a similar situation. VERY good friend, bossy, but sweet. Called me on my birthday because we had discussed going to see Pirates II (it came out around my birthday). DEMANDED I pick a time and to meet her and her new boyfriend at the movie theatre. I showed up, they were already in the lobby, waiting for me, so I PURCHASED MY OWN TICKET. Walked inside, we immediately went to find our seats, NO POPCORN, COKE, CANDY, etc. I met her grouchy boyfriend and then the movie started. After the movie was over, my friend said "Hank and I are going to dinner, talk to you later." I was FLOORED. MY BIRTHDAY, I had to buy my own ticket, etc. etc. and they did not even invite me to dinner!!!! I did not call her, talk to her, or email, etc. for OVER three months. "Hank and I are going to see Bourne Supremecy, want to go?.....(me>) NOPE!" She kept asking me if anything was wrong. I was still so angry (really my feelings were hurt), I could not talk about it. When I finally started talking to her, we went to dinner and she asked me why I had been ignoring her all these months. I told her and she started crying, she apologized, I forgave, BUT SHE IS STILL DATING THE GROUCH!!!!!! Face to face is the way to go, I made sure I was not angry, just stated the facts, and told her she hurt my feelings.

    p.s. - we always celebrate her birthday at a neighborhood restaurant. I still think it is her CHEEP boyfriend.

    Thanks for letting me vent - as you can see, it still stings, and it has been three years!

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