Parents neglect their adopted child's hair...

laru

I just needed to vent about something that has been bothering me for a while. There is this little girl at my child's school. She's black and her adopted parents are white, middle-aged folks. They seem nice enough, their very active in the PTA and so on. The problem is that they don't seem to have a clue as to how to care for this childs hair! I feel so awful for the little girl! First of all, her hair is always EXTREMELY dry. So dry that it looks like fragile cotton from all the breakage and there is absolutely no sheen to it. This little lady's hair is screaming for moisture! They also keep it cut very short at the nape (probably due to breakage), and about halfway up the nape, they have it just long enough to put it up into multiple pigtails around her head. I've known this child for three years and I have never seen her hair done any other way. She is a beautiful little girl, and it makes me so very sad that these people don't attempt to care for their childs hair better. I almost view it as a form of neglect. But, what can I do? I can't say anything to them, I don't know them well enough. They would probably be offended if I did.

Thanks. I just needed to vent.

midgi

I don't know.. they might not be so offended if they're struggling so much. They might even THANK you for giving them advice.

I wouldn't go so far as to accuse them of neglect, because Black hair can be daunting if you're not familiar with it. I would probably introduce myself and start a bit of chit chat and bring up a fictitious (or real?) story about how I have been struggling with my child's hair lately but did research and discovered this book or that internet resource.

It's all about being crafty because you don't want to sound preachy or sound like your offering unsolicited advice. You want to think like a saleswoman and make them think they NEED your suggestions because they aren't really suggestions at all-- you're just telling them a story :cheese: HTH

Kinky DaySha

Well, I'm black. I have a white friend that has 2 biracial children. She really has no clue what to do with their hair, but she tries. When I met her, she had a million questions for me. Though I'm no expert, I help her with what I can. She actually realized that she wasn't doing something right. These parents you're talking about may not even realize that something is wrong.

If I were you, I would make a sly comment, sorta like, "Your daughter's hair is so cute. I wonder what routine/products you use to take care of it?"Start there. They just may say, "Do you know anything about how to do her hair? We're having some trouble with....", and go from there. They might want to ask, but don't know who/how to ask. Give them some info if you have it, or direct them to someone you know that obviously knows. They may have been praying for some help.

Btw, kudos to you for caring:thumbright:

mycolorfulheart

That was pretty much my family growing up, which was why I didn't know how to care for my hair for a long time.
My mom really tried, she just didn't know what to do, and caring for straight white hair is alot different than what curly black hair needs. Like others said, you could try to strike up a conversation or mention a good book, or even this forum! My parents didn't have/know how to use the internet back then, but I don't really see the excuse of being ignorant now when it's so easy to get info online.

cclark1

There is an adorable little biracial girl at my school. Her adopted parents have no clue how to take care of her hair. She has hair just like mine and I've offered to give the mother hair tips. But it just goes in one ear and out the other. Several people have offered advice to no avail. The poor girl hates her hair. And it's to the point where the children are making fun of her. I would suggest that you approach the mother and strike up a convo about hair. Bring up the fact that black hair needs moisture and suggest some products that you know other black mothers at the school use in their children's hair. I'd even suggest this website.

Suburbanbushbabe

They might be dying to know, but too timid to ask. Tell them you think their daughter's hair is beautiful and could benefit even more from some curly haircare strategies, especially since curly hair has such different needs from straight hair. Give them a Naturally Curly Curl Ambassador card.

laru

My mother didn't know how to care for my hair either. I had a matted halo of frizz for the longest time! It wasn't until I was a teen that I realized that leaving the conditioner in my hair equaled a decent, less frizzy hair day. I guess I just take it for granted that I have personal knowledge, not to mention this site, in my arsenal. I'm sure the mom is clueless. But, as you said, I would think she would have done some research about how to care for black hair. And I don't think there is any excuse for the bad haircut. Maybe I could anonymously leave a copy of "It's All Good Hair" and a DT on her doorstep. I don't know! I feel like I gotta do something!

mycolorfulheart wrote: »

That was pretty much my family growing up, which was why I didn't know how to care for my hair for a long time.
My mom really tried, she just didn't know what to do, and caring for straight white hair is alot different than what curly black hair needs. Like others said, you could try to strike up a conversation or mention a good book, or even this forum! My parents didn't have/know how to use the internet back then, but I don't really see the excuse of being ignorant now when it's so easy to get info online.

laru

Suburbanbushbabe wrote: »

They might be dying to know, but too timid to ask. Tell them you think their daughter's hair is beautiful and could benefit even more from some curly haircare strategies, especially since curly hair has such different needs from straight hair. Give them a Naturally Curly Curl Ambassador card.

Ooooh, are there really "Curl Ambassador" cards? If so I NEED some. I'm always talking up this website to people!

OnyxCabelo

Laru - I just have to say that it's so nice of you to show such concern. I think if you can, you should say something, hopefully they will accept your advice. Perhaps mention that you've seen similar hair to their daughter's on this site and some of the products you've seen used could really bring out the best in their daughter's hair. I'm sure if the products aren't too expensive they will probably be open to your suggestions.

Maybe you could have a list of ideas and products written out before hand and just give them the list, letting them know that you were thinking about their daughter when you made it. They can then walk away with a list suggestions that they can refer to later and you can walk away feeling like you helped. It'll then be up to them if they decide to take your advice - remember, "you can lead a horse to water, but...". Hopefully for their daughter's sake they'll follow through. Best of luck and keep us posted on what you decide to do.

CoilyOne1812

Perhaps you should play curl angel. Maybe try complimenting her hair and if they say oh it's a lot of work and/or we have no clue, you bombard them with tips. If they just say thanks, perhaps you could invite her over for some kind of beauty shop night and try to teach her some stuff to take back home? But I guess that only works if she's friends with your child and of an age where she might care enough to retain the info.

mycolorfulheart

laru wrote: »

My mother didn't know how to care for my hair either. I had a matted halo of frizz for the longest time! It wasn't until I was a teen that I realized that leaving the conditioner in my hair equaled a decent, less frizzy hair day. I guess I just take it for granted that I have personal knowledge, not to mention this site, in my arsenal. I'm sure the mom is clueless.

That's pretty much what happened to me too! I eventually figured out that I needed about 3 handfuls of conditioner in the shower. And that washing my hair everyday made it die. I used to use the family conditioner/shampoo but by the time I got out of highschool my mom and I were on completely different routines. Now if I stay at her house I gotta bring my own stuff, lol!

meriellyn

laru wrote: »

My mother didn't know how to care for my hair either. I had a matted halo of frizz for the longest time! It wasn't until I was a teen that I realized that leaving the conditioner in my hair equaled a decent, less frizzy hair day. I guess I just take it for granted that I have personal knowledge, not to mention this site, in my arsenal. I'm sure the mom is clueless. But, as you said, I would think she would have done some research about how to care for black hair. And I don't think there is any excuse for the bad haircut. Maybe I could anonymously leave a copy of "It's All Good Hair" and a DT on her doorstep. I don't know! I feel like I gotta do something!

I wish someone would leave anonymous hair products on my doorstep!

It's definitely hard to see young girls not being taught to love, understand, and care for the hair they have. Leads to years of frustration and hair shame. Ask me how I know... :P

Ashkins1118

Hmm it is a little awkward to initiate a conversation like that, I would be a little nervous too. I agree with waht a few posters have said about introducing yourself, and your wealth of curly hair knowledge, and give them an ambassador card. Im sure that they would be super grateful and happy to get access to a place where they could learn how to improve their dauther's hair. The curlykids forum has lots of info for parents who have children with vastly different hair types than them.

siditty

laru wrote: »

I just needed to vent about something that has been bothering me for a while. There is this little girl at my child's school. She's black and her adopted parents are white, middle-aged folks. They seem nice enough, their very active in the PTA and so on. The problem is that they don't seem to have a clue as to how to care for this childs hair! I feel so awful for the little girl! First of all, her hair is always EXTREMELY dry. So dry that it looks like fragile cotton from all the breakage and there is absolutely no sheen to it. This little lady's hair is screaming for moisture! They also keep it cut very short at the nape (probably due to breakage), and about halfway up the nape, they have it just long enough to put it up into multiple pigtails around her head. I've known this child for three years and I have never seen her hair done any other way. She is a beautiful little girl, and it makes me so very sad that these people don't attempt to care for their childs hair better. I almost view it as a form of neglect. But, what can I do? I can't say anything to them, I don't know them well enough. They would probably be offended if I did.

Thanks. I just needed to vent.

Some of the best videos I ever saw on youtube for black children's hair care was the white mother doing her adopted black daughters hair. She could put some black momma's to shame in how well she did that girls hair. Maybe you can suggest these instructional videos to them:

Black Hair Care Tutorials Channel

Corn Rows

Yarn Braids

mrl234

I wouldn't accuse them of neglect. They probably just have no idea how to do anything about it, and are probably really embarassed about it and afraid to ask anyone. I know a couple (white dad, Mexican mom, both with very straight hair) who adopted a black girl a few years ago (she was 4 at the time) and just didn't know what to do with her hair at all, try as they might, and were afraid that if they asked people would think they were ignorant jerks for not knowing. One of their curly-haired friends finally said something about it to the dad and gave him a few tips, and ever since, they've learned how NOT to abuse her hair and now the little girl has learned to love her hair.

While there are definitely parents who won't react this way, most likely these people know they don't know what they're doing and, if approached in a way that isn't aggresive or accusatory, they will probably respond really well and the girl will be much better off for your help. People in this situation just need to realize that it isn't that type 4 hair is inherently difficult or strange or something, it's just different and it's perfectly manageable if you know what you're doing.

Yes, Still Paula

siditty wrote: »

Some of the best videos I ever saw on youtube for black children's hair care was the white mother doing her adopted black daughters hair. She could put some black momma's to shame in how well she did that girls hair. Maybe you can suggest these instructional videos to them:

Black Hair Care Tutorials Channel

Corn Rows

Yarn Braids

Wow...I just peeped into this thread for the hey of it (no, I don't know of any adopted kids myself) but I've got to say that these videos are awesome! As a mom myself I can only hope my daughter will hold still for ANY hairstyle someday. I'm just dreaming of the day that will happen...meanwhile...I need to have lots and lots of patience with her (she's only 2...)

curlee4life

Here is what I did:

I was in the subway in Munich about 1 year ago after work and was sitting next to a little biracial girl (about 4 years old), her hair looking pretty wild and matted. Her texture was very similar to mine.

Her mother (white) was sitting next to her, I leaned over and asked her in German if she would be interested in a few hair tips on how to take care of her little girl's hair.

She said yes and I gave her the basics about conditioner, conditoner wash, avoiding shampoos, combing only when wet, letting it hair dry. I gave her a couple of links to hair product sites.

Her daughter then looked up at me and asked if I was talking about her hair. I said, "yes, we were and that you have beautiful hair and do not ever let anyone try to tell you anything differently. I just gave your Mom a few tips to make it even more beautiful."

Sometimes, it is a simple as that.

Suburbanbushbabe

laru wrote: »

Suburbanbushbabe wrote: »

They might be dying to know, but too timid to ask. Tell them you think their daughter's hair is beautiful and could benefit even more from some curly haircare strategies, especially since curly hair has such different needs from straight hair. Give them a Naturally Curly Curl Ambassador card.

Ooooh, are there really "Curl Ambassador" cards? If so I NEED some. I'm always talking up this website to people!

Sorry for the late reply. Yes, there are. You can go to the Curlmart News thread and click "email us" to request them.

meriellyn wrote: »

I wish someone would leave anonymous hair products on my doorstep!

It's definitely hard to see young girls not being taught to love, understand, and care for the hair they have. Leads to years of frustration and hair shame. Ask me how I know... :P

That is such a good idea! There should be little Hair Tip business size cards you can slip to someone or leave anonymously-- or not! Like "when conditioning, don't rinse it all out"

curlee4life wrote: »

Here is what I did:

I was in the subway in Munich about 1 year ago after work and was sitting next to a little biracial girl (about 4 years old), her hair looking pretty wild and matted. Her texture was very similar to mine.

Her mother (white) was sitting next to her, I leaned over and asked her in German if she would be interested in a few hair tips on how to take care of her little girl's hair.

She said yes and I gave her the basics about conditioner, conditoner wash, avoiding shampoos, combing only when wet, letting it hair dry. I gave her a couple of links to hair product sites.

Her daughter then looked up at me and asked if I was talking about her hair. I said, "yes, we were and that you have beautiful hair and do not ever let anyone try to tell you anything differently. I just gave your Mom a few tips to make it even more beautiful."

Sometimes, it is a simple as that.

You did a mitzvah! Good for you. Such a nice story.

j-jill.

They would probably appreciate it very much if you gave them information on how to take care of their adopted daughter's hair!