Does anyone just not get on with their mothers?

kat180kat180 Posts: 6,280Registered Users Curl Novice
I just cannot get on with my mother, to try and understand exactly what I feel for her and what's wrong with our relationship would take years of therapy so there's little point in going into detail on here. I just wondered whether Im alone in this.

I had a good childhood, I wasn't abused in any way, I have no real reason to feel this way. Its at the point in our relationship that we just get along better when we are apart. I guess there are some intimacy issues between us. We are both to blame, now days we tend to just push each others buttons to wind each other up.

I guess I just wanted to get these thoughts out, without being judged. I find it very hard to talk to anyone about my feelings or personal life so even just writing this is a big step for me. I think its easier as I do not really know you guys on here. I just hope this doesn't turn into one of those mean, judgemental threads. Thanx for listening to my ramblings. :)
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Comments

  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,059 Administrator
    Sometimes we don't get along well with people we're too much alike. My sister and I had that conflict for years. We're resolved it in recently years but the tendency is still there if we're not careful.
  • vwlizardvwlizard Posts: 91Registered Users
    My mother and I have a very "surface" relationship. My parents never did anything "wrong", and did the best they could. Most people that would look at my upbringing would consider me lucky that I had everything I wanted and my parents would do anything to help us.

    What most people don't see is how emotionally unavailable my parents were and how passive aggressive my mother is. Unless it had to do with looks or academic preformance, my parents were clueless.

    Even though I talk to my mother almost everyday on the phone, I really don't have anything to say to her. Usually, just some info on the kids and what we did that day.

    I can really see now how it has shaped my emotional life. I'm trying to not repeat the cycle with my children. It's much easier for me to do when I'm NOT around my mother.

    I've always felt guilty that I don't love my mother, but there is never any show of emotion is my family. The only feelings ever expressed toward the children where veiled disappointment.

    Okay, this is a great venting thread!
  • MoppyTMoppyT Posts: 998Registered Users
    Same here. I actually have a pretty good idea of what the root of the problem is, but it's not something I can fix. At this point, I think we just don't like each other very much. She's gotten pretty nasty with me lately, though, so I'm considering taking a "break" from family for a while, like 6 months or so.

    You shouldn't feel bad about it. It happens. You shouldn't feel like something is wrong with you because you don't get along; sharing DNA does not necessarily mean you will be the best of friends.
    The best revenge is living well. The second best revenge is fire ants.
  • kat180kat180 Posts: 6,280Registered Users Curl Novice
    Thanks. I could have written all your posts, they are exactly how I feel. I feel better for just having vented a little.
  • luvmylocsluvmylocs Posts: 7,578Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    me and my mother have a fragile relationship that can go either way on any given day. i think my mother doesn't understand me as an adult and in some ways she resents me and doesn't like that i'm not super close to her like she as with my grandmother but we don't have a lot in common and sometimes she's negative about things like my hair and dating so i just don't feel close to her. she is great when something bad is happening in my life, it makes her feel needed and i appreciate it but i do wish we could get along well during the good times. also, my grandmother once told me she thought my mother was jealous because i did things my mother never got the chance to do, finish school, good job, travel and good relationship with my dad (something she never had with her dad). on the other hand she's married and has kids (something i have had no success with) so it's just weird....i went to a counselor about it because it was really effecting me and can effect my relationshps if i'm not careful. a few negative words from my mother can send me into a sad space but i've worked on it and accept my mother for who she is and what she can and can't be in my life....
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  • rnconniesfrnconniesf Posts: 256Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I have to keep a distance from my mother. She's what I call an "emotional leech". If I let her get too close she'll suck the life right out of me. I call her every day but I wouldn't say we are close.
    C
    Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • merynmeryn Posts: 1,807Registered Users Curl Novice
    rnconniesf wrote: »
    I have to keep a distance from my mother. She's what I call an "emotional leech". If I let her get too close she'll suck the life right out of me. I call her every day but I wouldn't say we are close.
    C

    This was me too. My mom died almost 2 years ago, and I miss her terribly, but I always kept her at arms length. She had this knack for using information against me, and for her benefit.
  • g-stringrannyg-stringranny Posts: 2,701Registered Users
    My Mom lives out of state, but we usually talk every weekend. I don't feel that close to her. I don't dislike her, but I don't feel much of a bond with her. I would never go to her if I had a problem or just needed someone to talk to. She has never been very supportive & is more into herself. She also likes to gossip, so I have to be careful what I tell her.
    AKA lotsawaves
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  • subbrocksubbrock Posts: 8,212Registered Users
    my mom and i dont really get along. and the only reason i say that is because for as long as i can remember we hated each other, but ever since ive become a mother shes changed a bit (and yes im sure its her, not me). personally, i think she is an undiagnosed bipolar case and thats why we dont get along.
  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,754Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I've been in this sitch - for about 36 years! But I recently went through a really tough personal experience and it changed my outlook on my mom. I guess I just think life's too short for me to not try harder to accept her for who she is. I've been wanting her to change for as long as I can remember. But she's 71 now, and she's not too likely to change.
    montage-3.gif No MAS.

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  • cyndicyndi Posts: 3,341Registered Users
    I'm lucky. My mom and I get along great and talk on the phone almost everyday. I think it helps that she's so young...she had me when she was 18. When we're together, we have fun. It's not like we're super close though...mostly because I'm so modest and such an introvert. She wishes I shared more of my personal life and feelings with her. As for my dad, we're not close at all. I talk to him a few times a year.
    I think that I deceive genius.:happy10:
  • Aphro-DeeziacAphro-Deeziac Posts: 983Registered Users
    i always had a terrible relationship with my mother. lots of issues i wont go into. however when she died this past may they didnt seem so big anymore.

    good luck to you and ur mom.
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  • jcurladyjcurlady Posts: 626Registered Users Curl Novice
    My mom and I have a surface relationship as well. She's not intentionally selfish, but after you've been kicked in the butt by her bad decisions, her intentions don't carry much weight. I love her but I just don't like her. She vexes my spirit on every occasion. We've stop speaking to each other on numerous occasions. She wrote me a letter of apology once that basically blamed me for not letting her run my life. We're okay now possibly b/c we live so far apart. She's talking about moving to my state so I hope that since we're both older, we can get along so I don't have to relocate. Whew that felt good.
    I think the times that we weren't speaking made her change the way she approached me. Also, I decided that I needed to either accept her for who she is or exclude her from my life. I love my mom but she was like a drug addiction for me. For a long time I was fighting to break away from this relationship that was eating away at me.
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  • 2poodles2poodles Posts: 2,485Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    My mom and I also have a superficial relationship. We've never really been close - we're relatively friendly and cordial, but don't seem to have much in common. I know I resent how she was while my dad was dying - I wanted her to be stronger for him, but she just couldn't. I ended up having them both move in with us while he was dying. I had hospice workers come to my home. (My parents were 61 and 62 at the time.) She tends to be rather needy and not as independent as me. I try not to be so judgmental, but we're so different and I lose my patience.... I need to work harder.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]2Poodles :flower: Southeast PA
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  • rouquinnerouquinne Posts: 13,729Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    oh YES!!!

    i've whinged about how my mother treats me many times here at NC over the past 9 years (today is my curly-versary).

    latest example... all of you are happier for me that i bought my house than she is.

    :(
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  • luvmylocsluvmylocs Posts: 7,578Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    ah...things went haywire with my mom just minutes ago. she hung up on me, yelled at me. upset that i'm not getting over my recent breakup in a way that she thinks i should.....i just can't tell her stuff....argh. i'm trying so hard not to let this make me upset.....

    the other thing is that my dad seems to constantly tell me how the only person that cares about me in this world is my mother and my mother feeds this notion by saying none of my friends give me good advice and she's "always there for me".....honestly i wonder if she wants bad stuff to happen so she can have something to do and brag about....
    a dreamy pisces :fish:
    please recycle, it matters...
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  • CurlyHairedFarmerCurlyHairedFarmer Posts: 3,079Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    My mother and I do not get along on many occasions. Her personality just does not fit mine. I am so much like my dad, that it was always easier for me to be with him. I think because I was such a big daddy's girl, I found it hard to interact with my mom.
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  • AlexaAlexa Posts: 208Registered Users
    I have never had a close relationship with my mother, when I was growing up my brother had a lot of behavioural problems & so demanded a lot of my parents' attention, also my parents both worked quite long hours so I was left to my own devises a lot which I know wasn't their fault & I really didn't mind at the time.

    Now my mum is on her own she wants me to be more of a 'friend' to her & share my personal life with her, I just can't turn that on with her now it feels like we so have little in common. I love her & do what I can on the practical side but I can't just turn on a bond which isn't there.
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  • kat180kat180 Posts: 6,280Registered Users Curl Novice
    I don't really feel a bond with my mother I get on really well with my dad. I cant talk to her about anything personal, the reason I posted this up is because we had a really bad argument about her smoking and things got out of hand. I found we got on so much better when I was far away at uni, I even talked to her a lot more regularly. Sometimes I wish our relationship wasn't this bad but I dont think its something either of us can change, except (hopefully) learn to be more tolerate and understanding of each other.
  • luvmylocsluvmylocs Posts: 7,578Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    i once read you should never divorce your parents....i agree... but it is hard when there's always some conflict that could just happen at any moment.

    interesting that some of us have issues with our mom but get along with our dads. i wonder if mothers work through the unresolved issues they have with our fathers in their relationships with us.
    a dreamy pisces :fish:
    please recycle, it matters...
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    i'm more relaxed being natural
  • geekygeeky Posts: 4,995Registered Users
    I could have written your original post. Finally just in the past 6 months my mom and I are getting along pretty well, and it only took 37 years, two of them with me in therapy.
    To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
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  • geminigemini Posts: 3,325Registered Users
    I'm another one with a "surface" relationship. Not that I was abused or mistreated, but ours was the family where no one said "I love you" out loud, you were just supposed to "know" because you were taken care of. Also, certain things just were not discussed. I remember waking up one morning and my dad simply said my mother was in the hospital because she had a miscarriage. I was 7 my sister was 14--we didn;t even know she was pregnant. I hardly even knew what a "miscarriage" was. It was just simply never explained. You kind of had to figure out things on your own.

    I purposely keep my mother at a distance. She can be a negative person though she doesn't seem to realize it. I started telling her once about a guy I liked and the relationship didn't work out--in her words (sarcastically) she responded: "Did you get your heart broken?" As if it was a joke. Her advice on sex (I was about 16)? "Men just want one thing." Well, that was original and certainly a credit to men. Stuff like that keeps me closed off. She can also be a hypercritical person and a naysayer. There's a lot more for me to say but I don't want to write too long of a post. No, I don't have anything specific to explain why I feel distant from my mom, it's just a culmination of things. She has expressed wanting me to tell her more, but I would rather not. I would like it if she admitted/apologized for some of the blatant parenting mistakes that happened over the years but I know it won't ever happen. We keep talk to pretty superficial things, or if it's a deeper conversation, it's something like politics--something external to us.

    Yes, I got along with my dad better. I remember he once asked what I was interested in (career-wise)--I was about 16. I said I wanted to get into animation. He seemed genuinely interested in that. If I had said anything like that to my mom, she would have dismissed it. I felt more of a connection to him.
  • slinky1slinky1 Banned Posts: 1,612Banned Users
    Yes.

    Mothers see their faults in us, we see faults in them that they've never bothered to fix, some of them are jealous of the opportunities we've had, regret the sacrifices that they've made...on and on...

    A big thing with my mother is that supposedly no one has had the problems she's had. She's gone through so much more than I could ever go through. I've had it so easy. Every happiness and success in my life is because of her and her alone.
    ;)
  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users Curl Neophyte
    I'm usually not one to post this kind of stuff...
    However, it's been tough recently b/c my bro [GP] has been quite the fark up & it's been hard b/c I'm the only other child & one w/ another grandchild & I'm getting A LOT of pressure. My folks are leaning on me ALOT & it's been very hard. I put my mom in her place when I need to, but it is still is hard. I am the responsible one & the expectations just keep on getting to be more & more...:dunno: My husband tries to help in his way, tho it is still very hard, ya know? And things won't get better anytime soon :sad8: Did I mention it's the suck? lol...hang in there!
    (((hugs))) to you :)
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  • cymprenicympreni Posts: 9,609Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    My mom has some sort of mood disorder that she has a billion and one excuses as to why she can't/won't get treatment for. Her GP calls it SAD but I think it's something else because it happens year round.

    When she's depressed, she takes it out on everyone. And you never know what she'll jump on. And her responses are usually pretty extreme or just nonsense that she insists is the truth.

    Lately she's into minimizing. It's driving me nuts. Any time I talk to her about problems I'm having, she always has to mention that so-n-so doesn't have it easy either. And the people/problems she uses as examples are just ridiculous. They're like comparing a broken leg to a stubbed toe! I'm sorry but I just don't care. I don't want to hear about it. I have enough to deal with as it is. I'm pretty good at minimizing my own problems without anyone's help. It's just so aggravating now that I'm moving away from that that she seems to be picking up the slack. It really sucks because she's one of the few people I can talk to about some of this stuff.
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,259Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I love my mother dearly. She made mistakes in my childhood, but they weren't on purpose and I don't blame her, and mostly she did as good of a job as she could raising me. I have to keep her at a distance in my life now though...otherwise she'd try to step in and control it. She's a mom, and moms control. It's what we do. I try hard not to control my adult son's life, but sometimes I do it too. It's a difficult line to walk being the mother of adults.
  • g-stringrannyg-stringranny Posts: 2,701Registered Users
    I love my mother dearly. She made mistakes in my childhood, but they weren't on purpose and I don't blame her, and mostly she did as good of a job as she could raising me. I have to keep her at a distance in my life now though...otherwise she'd try to step in and control it. She's a mom, and moms control. It's what we do. I try hard not to control my adult son's life, but sometimes I do it too. It's a difficult line to walk being the mother of adults.

    I wish my Mom cared enough to try to control me to some degree.
    AKA lotsawaves
    AKA new2curls
  • velvet pawsvelvet paws Posts: 1,250Registered Users
    My mother has a lot of issues that make it extremely difficult to be around her. She means well enough, I suppose, but she's DRIVEN to try and cause problems. The needling, the offhand comments, the backpedaling, nitpicking, passive aggressive behavior, emotional immaturity, insults .... I could go on and on.

    Let's just say that I've learned my lesson not to share things with her. We talk often, but I can't let her get too close.
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  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,754Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    In a way it's comforting that other have problems with their moms very similar to mine; in another way it's very sad...
    montage-3.gif No MAS.

    I am the new Black.

    "Hope the Mail are saving space tomorrow for Samantha Brick's reaction piece on the reactions to her piece about the reactions to her piece." ~ Tweet reposted by Rou.
  • luvmylocsluvmylocs Posts: 7,578Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    slinky1 wrote: »
    I've had it so easy. Every happiness and success in my life is because of her and her alone.

    my mother and i have had arguements about this very thing. she wants to take full credit for my decision in a college and my career choices. she takes less credit recently because i stopped telling her when i was making decisions and would tell her afterwards so she couldn't take credit....that is so frustrating, she totally makes me feel like i can't make a good decision on my own....but i get credit for all the bad ones.
    a dreamy pisces :fish:
    please recycle, it matters...
    i change lives...through fitness
    i'm more relaxed being natural
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