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How do you find out about a guy's past?

Do you ask his ex?
His family?
Do you start from scratch and pray that he is sane?
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  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users
    Ask him? :dontknow:
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  • kcckcc Posts: 681Registered Users
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  • curlylauracurlylaura Posts: 8,352Registered Users
    osocristie wrote: »
    Do you ask his ex?
    His family?
    Do you start from scratch and pray that he is sane?

    If a guy started asking the above named people questions about me, I'd run away. And label him nuts.
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  • LoloDSMLoloDSM Posts: 3,778Registered Users
    Listen. People tell you a lot of about themselves if you just pay attention.

    I would NOT ask his family and exes unless you already have some sort of relationship with them. In which case, why would you have to ask?
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  • cymprenicympreni Posts: 9,609Registered Users
    Same way you find out about a friend's past. During the normal course of conversation you have when you're getting to know each other.
  • midgimidgi Posts: 2,409Registered Users
    I wouldn't go around asking a whole rack of people about anyone's past. Makes it seem like you're up to something.

    If it's truly that serious, just ask the guy all the questions you want answered. If he doesn't want to answer them, then obviously he thinks it's none of your business.
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  • AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users
    Is there a reason you need to know about his past? I wouldn't go trying to dig around unless I had a reason.
  • nadinanadina Posts: 640Registered Users
    listen and wait. i wouldn't ask anyone else about him. if i'm afraid there's something he's not telling me, i probably wouldn't be in it for the long term.
  • iaraiara Posts: 1,199Registered Users
    osocristie wrote: »
    Do you ask his ex?
    His family?
    Do you start from scratch and pray that he is sane?
    Judge a person's present behavior not his past behavior.
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  • Aries_jbAries_jb Posts: 1,556Registered Users
    Personally, there is no other option for me other than just asking him, and then only during a normal conversation. IMO, asking his ex is pretty immature and definitely not the best source for information.
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  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users
    I think a person's past is very important to know, especially if this is someone you're getting romatically involved with. The past often predicts the future. It lets you know what sort of person they are. As the saying goes: those who refuse to learn from the past, are doomed to repeat it.

    Ask him, and listen to what he says. If he has discrepancies in his past, then ask him to clarify. If it still doesn't make sense to you, or you think he's lying, then I'd dump him. I wouldn't bother trying to get info from other sources, like family or ex-girlfriends. They will all have their own agenda and their best interests in mind, not yours.
  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    I think with anyone you get to know, whether a friend, dating partner, co-worker etc. their past, and what kind of person they are, should come out gradually during conversation and the development of a relationship with them. It should never be necessary to go behind their back to their exes or family members - and that wouldn't even necessarily give you the truth you're looking for anyway. If you feel enough of a lack of trust that you want to go digging in someone's past beyond what they tell or show you, I would see either you have trust issues or you have an instinct that the person is not trustworthy, in which case you shouldn't pursue a relationship with them.
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  • M2LRTooM2LRToo Posts: 446Registered Users
    I think a person's past is very important to know, especially if this is someone you're getting romatically involved with. The past often predicts the future. It lets you know what sort of person they are. As the saying goes: those who refuse to learn from the past, are doomed to repeat it.

    Ask him, and listen to what he says. If he has discrepancies in his past, then ask him to clarify. If it still doesn't make sense to you, or you think he's lying, then I'd dump him. I wouldn't bother trying to get info from other sources, like family or ex-girlfriends. They will all have their own agenda and their best interests in mind, not yours.

    ITA.
  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,059 Administrator
    Case in point. My uncle married a woman about 5 years ago. My uncle has serious mental problems. My uncle was great at hiding his problems during the dating period. None of his siblings told the fiancee about his problems when they were dating. Now, my uncle's mental issues are taking a toll on the marriage. His wife is dealing with it. This is the stuff that I want to avoid.
  • SuburbanbushbabeSuburbanbushbabe Posts: 15,402Registered Users
    Ask him, and listen on several levels. Do a background check.
    My uncle has serious mental problems.
    How did he hide that? If he was on meds, as they became intimate and shared space, the woman would have known it.
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  • ninja dogninja dog Posts: 23,780Registered Users
    I read about something like that in Dear Abby or Ask Margot. Frightening.
  • g-stringrannyg-stringranny Posts: 2,701Registered Users
    I learned the hard way, that if he calls all his ex's psycho *****es, then he is probably the psycho. If he blames others for his mental, financial, physical problems then he may be a loser.

    What do you feel you need to find out about him & why do you feel there may be something wrong with him?
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  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,059 Administrator
    I learned the hard way, that if he calls all his ex's psycho *****es, then he is probably the psycho. If he blames others for his mental, financial, physical problems then he may be a loser.

    What do you feel you need to find out about him & why do you feel there may be something wrong with him?


    Yeah his exes are all at fault for the break ups of course. He just acts a little strange. Like one time we were watching a movie where he lives. My phone kept ringing. Well I answered a few times, but the last 2 calls I sent to voicemail. He seemed like he was getting quite upset about my phone and he did this weird head thing like he was about to click! He kinda cocked his head to the side for about 5 seconds. I was a little scared so I pretended like I didn't see him doing that. Then he got up quickly and opened the door to the basement and sat down really fast. I asked him what was up and he looked all bugeyed and asked 'What?' I then said that I was scared of him in a semi joke, but I was really serious. He perseverated on that the whole night after that point. He ended up crying on me when I was getting ready to go home because I said that I wasn't sure if we would work in a relationship. It was all really strange. He did share (previously) that he had some social issues because he was a latch key kid and spent most of his childhood alone while his mom worked 2 jobs. He seems to be very forthcoming with information. He shared that he has issues with his emotions where he will cry or scream at the top of his lungs when in privacy if he was going through something. His mom is very close to him and checks on him throughout the day.

    I'd experienced something similar with a female friend of mine that came to visit me from Texas. Her mom called her at least 3 times a day. I couldn't understand why. When she left, I found out why when she accused me of starving her and her daughter and trying to kill them with my driving and more. I think she had some mental issues that I didn't know about being that we were long distance friends. We'd met in college and she seemed fine during that time.
  • empressriempressri Posts: 4,812Registered Users
    ask and watch
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  • midgimidgi Posts: 2,409Registered Users
    osocristie wrote: »
    I learned the hard way, that if he calls all his ex's psycho *****es, then he is probably the psycho. If he blames others for his mental, financial, physical problems then he may be a loser.

    What do you feel you need to find out about him & why do you feel there may be something wrong with him?


    Yeah his exes are all at fault for the break ups of course. He just acts a little strange. Like one time we were watching a movie where he lives. My phone kept ringing. Well I answered a few times, but the last 2 calls I sent to voicemail. He seemed like he was getting quite upset about my phone and he did this weird head thing like he was about to click! He kinda cocked his head to the side for about 5 seconds. I was a little scared so I pretended like I didn't see him doing that. Then he got up quickly and opened the door to the basement and sat down really fast. I asked him what was up and he looked all bugeyed and asked 'What?' I then said that I was scared of him in a semi joke, but I was really serious. He perseverated on that the whole night after that point. He ended up crying on me when I was getting ready to go home because I said that I wasn't sure if we would work in a relationship. It was all really strange. He did share (previously) that he had some social issues because he was a latch key kid and spent most of his childhood alone while his mom worked 2 jobs. He seems to be very forthcoming with information. He shared that he has issues with his emotions where he will cry or scream at the top of his lungs when in privacy if he was going through something. His mom is very close to him and checks on him throughout the day.

    Wooow. That actually made me shudder! Well if I were you I wouldn't worry about getting to know about his past, I would just be running... far far away. I personally can't deal with that kind of intensity, especially when I've got my own problems. I don't need anyone else's issues on top of that. He sounds like he needs some counseling.
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  • NetGNetG Posts: 8,116Registered Users
    osocristie wrote: »
    My phone kept ringing. Well I answered a few times, but the last 2 calls I sent to voicemail.

    If I were the guy, there wouldn't have been any more dates after that unless there were a good reason for you to be so rude.


    At the same time - with all you told us about him, no WAY I would have anything else to do with him. Dude sounds scary.
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  • subbrocksubbrock Posts: 8,212Registered Users
    osocristie wrote: »

    Yeah his exes are all at fault for the break ups of course. He just acts a little strange. Like one time we were watching a movie where he lives. My phone kept ringing. Well I answered a few times, but the last 2 calls I sent to voicemail. He seemed like he was getting quite upset about my phone and he did this weird head thing like he was about to click! He kinda cocked his head to the side for about 5 seconds. I was a little scared so I pretended like I didn't see him doing that. Then he got up quickly and opened the door to the basement and sat down really fast. I asked him what was up and he looked all bugeyed and asked 'What?' I then said that I was scared of him in a semi joke, but I was really serious. He perseverated on that the whole night after that point. He ended up crying on me when I was getting ready to go home because I said that I wasn't sure if we would work in a relationship. It was all really strange. He did share (previously) that he had some social issues because he was a latch key kid and spent most of his childhood alone while his mom worked 2 jobs. He seems to be very forthcoming with information. He shared that he has issues with his emotions where he will cry or scream at the top of his lungs when in privacy if he was going through something. His mom is very close to him and checks on him throughout the day.

    I'd experienced something similar with a female friend of mine that came to visit me from Texas. Her mom called her at least 3 times a day. I couldn't understand why. When she left, I found out why when she accused me of starving her and her daughter and trying to kill them with my driving and more. I think she had some mental issues that I didn't know about being that we were long distance friends. We'd met in college and she seemed fine during that time.

    based off of this, i dont think you even need to know his past. his present is telling you that something is not right. and if its not telling you, its definietly telling me! get out of this before things get crazier.
  • texascurlytexascurly Posts: 1,967Registered Users
    This guy sounds crazy...R U N ! ! !
  • g-stringrannyg-stringranny Posts: 2,701Registered Users
    Sounds like he has a lot of baggage. It's sad & I feel sorry for him, but he's a grown man & probably needs help that you can't give him. He needs to get his head on straight before he is in a relationship with anyone. Another thing I have learned is that you can't bring another person up to your level, they will only bring you down to their's. IMO, you need to just let go & hope that he gets help. Hopefully, his family will be there for him. If not, then this is even sadder, but don't think you alone can help him. He needs to realize he needs help & take the steps to get it.
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  • texascurlytexascurly Posts: 1,967Registered Users
    Sounds like he has a lot of baggage. It's sad & I feel sorry for him, but he's a grown man & probably needs help that you can't give him. He needs to get his head on straight before he is in a relationship with anyone. Another thing I have learned is that you can't bring another person up to your level, they will only bring you down to their's. IMO, you need to just let go & hope that he gets help. Hopefully, his family will be there for him. If not, then this is even sadder, but don't think you alone can help him. He needs to realize he needs help & take the steps to get it.

    Excellent post!! Very insightful..ITA.
  • iaraiara Posts: 1,199Registered Users
    osocristie wrote: »
    Case in point. My uncle married a woman about 5 years ago. My uncle has serious mental problems. My uncle was great at hiding his problems during the dating period. None of his siblings told the fiancee about his problems when they were dating. Now, my uncle's mental issues are taking a toll on the marriage. His wife is dealing with it. This is the stuff that I want to avoid.

    If people pay attention to other's behaviors they can avoid this. Problem comes when people are not attentive or even worse, refuse to notice the signs for various reasons. Some people want to wait for someone to say something is wrong instead of following their instincts.

    Watch, listen, and trust your instincts are all you need to do when interacting with people. People tell you everyday who they are. It is up to you to believe them.

    If people learned from their past then their present and future will be good. If their baggage keeps making guest appearances in the person's present it will not be long before said baggage becomes the star of the show.

    ETA: I agree with what g-stringranny and NetG wrote in this thread.
    You cannot invite someone to your house in the Hamptons and when she arrives, not let her stay. Tacky. Very Tacky. ~ East Village hipster.

    People in Ward Three disdain three things: cleavage, hunting and dumb people who are richer than they are. ~ David Brooks

    Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. ~Armaments 2:9-21
  • cymprenicympreni Posts: 9,609Registered Users
    I agree with the others if you pay attention, you can pick up on stuff. Even people who are good at hiding their crazy slip or show it in minor ways from time to time.

    I lived with a guy with serious mental illness, and in hindsight, the signs were there. He showed me everything in minor ways, just little hints, and after I moved in, he let it alllll out.
  • alacurlalacurl Posts: 1,193Registered Users
    OSO, you've gotten some good advice here. Your instincts are telling you this guy has problems. You should trust your gut.

    I have never regretted trusting my instincts, but whenever I didn't listen to "that little voice in my head" I have always been sorry!
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  • boarderhopperboarderhopper Banned Posts: 295Banned Users
    is this some kind of rhetorical question?
  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,738Registered Users
    Yes, what alacurl said. If you have to ask this kind of question, you probably already know the answer.
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