CurlTalk

Am I the only one that get's crapped on?

Basically,

I have been left out of yet another GOOD FRIEND'S wedding reception. She and I have been tight for at least 4 years. I have found out that she has invited all of our mutual friends to the reception and not me. Mind you we just hung out last Saturday and had a great time. I do know that her future husband and i don't get along very well, but come on! I told her that I am not going to the wedding if I can't attend the reception.

I feel like I am too nice and people end up using me really bad then crapping on me in the end. I am sick of it!!!

Please tell me that i am not the only one!
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Comments

  • PeppyPeppy Posts: 3,290Registered Users
    I think maybe you two have different definitions of a "good friend". She doesn't sound like a very good friend to me.

    ETA: What did she say when you told her you wouldn't be at the wedding if you weren't invited to the reception? What was her reasoning?
  • ninja dogninja dog Posts: 23,780Registered Users
    I think it's the husband's doing, but your friend made the choice to give in to him.

    I've seen things like this happen to people before. It's not just you. Also, I think it's the people who do it; it's always so hard to know who's going to make choices like this. And people get freaky about spending at receptions.

    I agree with boycotting the wedding, although your friendship will likely fail as a result. Either way, you should let your next get-together come from her. If there is to be one, and you want one, that is.
  • AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users
    How can someone invite you to the wedding and not the reception? Did they send separate invitations or what? Every wedding I've ever been to has been if you are invited to the wedding, you're invited to the reception. IMO it's poor form to ask someone to come for the wedding but then not allow them to go to the reception.
  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users
    No. I don't let this kind of ish happen.
    I'm sorry you're dealing w/ such a lame 'friend'.
    0004.gif

    Ever since the sports thread wars I have sensed a special connection between [edit] & Wile. Like the connection oil has to water. I almost can't speak of it. Wait....my eyes are misting. ~asq
    Let’s just stay together and tell the world to kiss our ass. ~P


  • luvmylocsluvmylocs Posts: 7,578Registered Users
    okay edited...i thought you were upset that you weren't in the wedding not that you didn't get an invite to the reception. sorry. that's whack. i agree don't go to the wedding if you're not good enough to get an invite to the reception. but another trend i've noticed is people not allowing you to bring a date and yo uhave to go solo. maybe they are trying to cut costs but still get gifts...sorry disregard my previous message.
    a dreamy pisces :fish:
    please recycle, it matters...
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    i'm more relaxed being natural
  • LoloDSMLoloDSM Posts: 3,778Registered Users
    Who invites people to the wedding and not the reception? I've heard it the other way around, but that just sounds tacky.
    Loose botticelli curls and waves
    No silicones/no sulfates since March 2008
  • AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users
    luvmylocs wrote: »
    just my thoughts...please don't be offended.

    (1) if you and the future hubby don't get along why would you want to be in the wedding? that would seem awkward/uncomfortable. perhaps she wanted you in the wedding but he didn't. whose opinion do you think she's going to be more concerned about?

    (2) being in weddings is EXPENSIVE. if you're not super close to the person and if they didn't ask you to be in the wedding you might want to consider that a blessing. buy a nice gift, go to the ceremony and reception and have a good time and leave it at that. you'll save hundreds and a lot of stress....

    (3) why is it important to you to be in peoples weddings? weddings these days are such a production i don't think it means anything to be in or for that matter not be in someones wedding. is there a deeper issue? if you're hanging with this person and their friend in a more intimate setting that would mean much more to me. is this person even having a big wedding party? my good friend had only her sister in her wedding, didn't mean she didn't have friends but i thought that was really special.

    (4) if you feel close enough to this girl to be in her wedding why would you not go if you're not in the wedding party? that seems like a very extreme and selfish response to not getting something you want. maybe keep quiet until you figure out what you want to do before saying what you will and won't do. the bride doesn't need extra stress and is it really worth losing a friendship over one day?

    (5) don't take it personal. i'm sure other girls weren't asked to be in the wedding....

    hang in there. i know your feelings might be hurt but believe me, in the big picture of life not being asked to be in someones wedding will hardly seem like a blip on the radar a year from now....

    I don't think her post was about being in the wedding. She was invited to the wedding, but not the reception, correct me if I'm wrong.
  • MichelleBFTMichelleBFT Posts: 4,812Registered Users
    osocristie wrote: »
    Basically,

    I have been left out of yet another GOOD FRIEND'S wedding reception. She and I have been tight for at least 4 years. I have found out that she has invited all of our mutual friends to the reception and not me. Mind you we just hung out last Saturday and had a great time. I do know that her future husband and i don't get along very well, but come on! I told her that I am not going to the wedding if I can't attend the reception.

    I feel like I am too nice and people end up using me really bad then crapping on me in the end. I am sick of it!!!

    Please tell me that i am not the only one!

    The bolded makes me raise my eyebrows. The latter part... if someone who I was friends with told me they wouldn't go to my wedding unless they got to go to the party, I'd wonder about how much they actually cared about me. Afterall, the important part of the wedding is the actual WEDDING, not the party. If you haven't got any interest in the actual wedding if not for the party, then how much do you care about her?

    And the former, if you have a problem with her intended and you've let it be known, I'm particularly surprised she would want you at her wedding, period. If you're not there to support them, then what's the point?

    Sounds to me like Peppy is right on: the two of you have different definitions of what it is to be a Good Friend to someone.
    "And politically correct is the worst term, not just because it’s dismissive, but because it narrows down the whole social justice spectrum to this idea that it’s about being polite instead of about dismantling the oppressive social structure of power.
    Fun Fact: When you actively avoid being “PC,” you’re not being forward-thinking or unique. You’re buying into systems of oppression that have existed since before you were even born, and you’re keeping those systems in place."
    Stolen.
  • ninja dogninja dog Posts: 23,780Registered Users
    LoloDSM
    Who invites people to the wedding and not the reception? I've heard it the other way around, but that just sounds tacky.

    Almost like inviting them to dinner while dictating the menu yourself, and then asking them to pay for it.

    Which has happened to me. In France. By another American.
  • luvmylocsluvmylocs Posts: 7,578Registered Users
    you're right. i corrected my post above :wink:
    luvmylocs wrote: »
    just my thoughts...please don't be offended.

    (1) if you and the future hubby don't get along why would you want to be in the wedding? that would seem awkward/uncomfortable. perhaps she wanted you in the wedding but he didn't. whose opinion do you think she's going to be more concerned about?

    (2) being in weddings is EXPENSIVE. if you're not super close to the person and if they didn't ask you to be in the wedding you might want to consider that a blessing. buy a nice gift, go to the ceremony and reception and have a good time and leave it at that. you'll save hundreds and a lot of stress....

    (3) why is it important to you to be in peoples weddings? weddings these days are such a production i don't think it means anything to be in or for that matter not be in someones wedding. is there a deeper issue? if you're hanging with this person and their friend in a more intimate setting that would mean much more to me. is this person even having a big wedding party? my good friend had only her sister in her wedding, didn't mean she didn't have friends but i thought that was really special.

    (4) if you feel close enough to this girl to be in her wedding why would you not go if you're not in the wedding party? that seems like a very extreme and selfish response to not getting something you want. maybe keep quiet until you figure out what you want to do before saying what you will and won't do. the bride doesn't need extra stress and is it really worth losing a friendship over one day?

    (5) don't take it personal. i'm sure other girls weren't asked to be in the wedding....

    hang in there. i know your feelings might be hurt but believe me, in the big picture of life not being asked to be in someones wedding will hardly seem like a blip on the radar a year from now....

    I don't think her post was about being in the wedding. She was invited to the wedding, but not the reception, correct me if I'm wrong.
    a dreamy pisces :fish:
    please recycle, it matters...
    i change lives...through fitness
    i'm more relaxed being natural
  • MichelleBFTMichelleBFT Posts: 4,812Registered Users
    How can someone invite you to the wedding and not the reception? Did they send separate invitations or what? Every wedding I've ever been to has been if you are invited to the wedding, you're invited to the reception. IMO it's poor form to ask someone to come for the wedding but then not allow them to go to the reception.

    Most weddings I've been haven't been a separate invitation, necessarily, but have included a separate piece within the invitation's envelope about the reception. Be it a line at the bottom of the invitation, "Reception will follow immediately after ceremony" or a separate information card. Some receptions are held hours, even days after the ceremony, and not always are the same people invited.
    "And politically correct is the worst term, not just because it’s dismissive, but because it narrows down the whole social justice spectrum to this idea that it’s about being polite instead of about dismantling the oppressive social structure of power.
    Fun Fact: When you actively avoid being “PC,” you’re not being forward-thinking or unique. You’re buying into systems of oppression that have existed since before you were even born, and you’re keeping those systems in place."
    Stolen.
  • AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users
    How can someone invite you to the wedding and not the reception? Did they send separate invitations or what? Every wedding I've ever been to has been if you are invited to the wedding, you're invited to the reception. IMO it's poor form to ask someone to come for the wedding but then not allow them to go to the reception.

    Most weddings I've been haven't been a separate invitation, necessarily, but have included a separate piece within the invitation's envelope about the reception. Be it a line at the bottom of the invitation, "Reception will follow immediately after ceremony" or a separate information card. Some receptions are held hours, even days after the ceremony, and not always are the same people invited.

    IDK, to me that would just seem like wanting a gift, but not having to invite the person, which is wrong. I've been invited to someone's wedding shower, but not their wedding, which I also find extremely tacky.
  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,059 Administrator
    osocristie wrote: »
    Basically,

    I have been left out of yet another GOOD FRIEND'S wedding reception. She and I have been tight for at least 4 years. I have found out that she has invited all of our mutual friends to the reception and not me. Mind you we just hung out last Saturday and had a great time. I do know that her future husband and i don't get along very well, but come on! I told her that I am not going to the wedding if I can't attend the reception.

    I feel like I am too nice and people end up using me really bad then crapping on me in the end. I am sick of it!!!

    Please tell me that i am not the only one!

    The bolded makes me raise my eyebrows. The latter part... if someone who I was friends with told me they wouldn't go to my wedding unless they got to go to the party, I'd wonder about how much they actually cared about me. Afterall, the important part of the wedding is the actual WEDDING, not the party. If you haven't got any interest in the actual wedding if not for the party, then how much do you care about her?

    And the former, if you have a problem with her intended and you've let it be known, I'm particularly surprised she would want you at her wedding, period. If you're not there to support them, then what's the point?

    Sounds to me like Peppy is right on: the two of you have different definitions of what it is to be a Good Friend to someone.


    Her hubby to be feels like he has to attack me with words everytime we go out. I stopped going out with them as much so that I would avoid being attacked by him. She stands up for him when he belittles her in front of people. He is really mean and acts bipolar if you ask me. I spoke to her about this and she seems to act like she doen't know what is going on. But like I said, we still are cool. I feel like the reception is the culmination of the wedding ceremony. She want's my gifts (I was invited to the showers), but she doen't want me to eat their food. Our mutual friends that were invited have known her a short time than she and I have. One of the girls and her husband, she talked about like a dog calling her ugly and saying that she had bad breath, but that same bad breath, ugly girl will be enjoying a meal at the reception. i don't get it!!!
  • PeppyPeppy Posts: 3,290Registered Users
    I'll ask again....what did she say when you told her you wouldn't be at the wedding if you weren't invited to the reception?
  • AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users
    osocristie wrote: »
    osocristie wrote: »
    Basically,

    I have been left out of yet another GOOD FRIEND'S wedding reception. She and I have been tight for at least 4 years. I have found out that she has invited all of our mutual friends to the reception and not me. Mind you we just hung out last Saturday and had a great time. I do know that her future husband and i don't get along very well, but come on! I told her that I am not going to the wedding if I can't attend the reception.

    I feel like I am too nice and people end up using me really bad then crapping on me in the end. I am sick of it!!!

    Please tell me that i am not the only one!

    The bolded makes me raise my eyebrows. The latter part... if someone who I was friends with told me they wouldn't go to my wedding unless they got to go to the party, I'd wonder about how much they actually cared about me. Afterall, the important part of the wedding is the actual WEDDING, not the party. If you haven't got any interest in the actual wedding if not for the party, then how much do you care about her?

    And the former, if you have a problem with her intended and you've let it be known, I'm particularly surprised she would want you at her wedding, period. If you're not there to support them, then what's the point?

    Sounds to me like Peppy is right on: the two of you have different definitions of what it is to be a Good Friend to someone.


    Her hubby to be feels like he has to attack me with words everytime we go out. I stopped going out with them as much so that I would avoid being attacked by him. She stands up for him when he belittles her in front of people. He is really mean and acts bipolar if you ask me. I spoke to her about this and she seems to act like she doen't know what is going on. But like I said, we still are cool. I feel like the reception is the culmination of the wedding ceremony. She want's my gifts (I was invited to the showers), but she doen't want me to eat their food. Our mutual friends that were invited have known her a short time than she and I have. One of the girls and her husband, she talked about like a dog calling her ugly and saying that she had bad breath, but that same bad breath, ugly girl will be enjoying a meal at the reception. i don't get it!!!

    How do you know you're not invited, did she tell you that you were only invited to the wedding or did you not get info about the reception with your invitation?
  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,738Registered Users
    This all sounds a bit odd to me.
    montage-3.gif No MAS.

    I am the new Black.

    "Hope the Mail are saving space tomorrow for Samantha Brick's reaction piece on the reactions to her piece about the reactions to her piece." ~ Tweet reposted by Rou.
  • M2LRM2LR Posts: 8,630Registered Users
    osocristie wrote: »
    Basically,

    I have been left out of yet another GOOD FRIEND'S wedding reception. She and I have been tight for at least 4 years. I have found out that she has invited all of our mutual friends to the reception and not me. Mind you we just hung out last Saturday and had a great time. I do know that her future husband and i don't get along very well, but come on! I told her that I am not going to the wedding if I can't attend the reception.

    I feel like I am too nice and people end up using me really bad then crapping on me in the end. I am sick of it!!!

    Please tell me that i am not the only one!

    Another good friend? What happened with the previous friend that also did this? Did you get along with the husband?

    I am guessing that it does have lot to do with him, but at the same time, if someone were to tell me that they "wouldn't" attend my wedding if they weren't invited to the reception, I'd be a little put off too.
    Does seem kind of tacky on her part to only invite you; but I am curious what she said, "Um, you can only come to the wedding...not the reception..." And likewise, what Peppy said, how did she react to your comment that you wouldn't go to the wedding?
    :rambo:
  • CurlyCanadianCurlyCanadian Posts: 10,780Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I don't think I really get it?

    You only want to go to the wedding if you can have a meal afterwards? Honestly, you're sounding like the one who is "crapping" on their "friend" :?

    You don't have to give them a gift if you really don't want. Don't go to the shower and just go to the ceremony. No one ever "has" to bring a gift.
    I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.
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  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,738Registered Users
    It sounds like Oso told her friend she wouldn't go to the wedding after she realized she wasn't invited to the reception...?
    montage-3.gif No MAS.

    I am the new Black.

    "Hope the Mail are saving space tomorrow for Samantha Brick's reaction piece on the reactions to her piece about the reactions to her piece." ~ Tweet reposted by Rou.
  • SnarlsSnarls Posts: 2,537Registered Users
    Well, I've only attended a grand total of two weddings in my life (I am NOT a wedding person) but I thought if you were invited to the wedding, you are also invited to the reception. Is it common to have a reception that is sort of exclusive? If so, how do you get around all the hurt feelings?

    I will say that someone once showed me her wedding invitation after the invites got printed, and I thought she was GIVING me an invitation. Then she snatched it out of my hands and said it was just to look at, that I wasn't invited. Snit #1! Then I found out later that she invited other people from the same group, but not me. Snit to end all snits! Although I was OK with it (other than the wounded pride), because of not being a wedding person, but I still hate the people she did invite and they are on my list of people who will burn in hell even though it isn't their fault but really it is, because they made darn sure to let me know that they were "in" and I was crapped on.

    Oh, and also, as long as I'm probing the wound, guess which martyr went to ballroom dance classes with this couple so that they could dance at their reception? And because they didn't want to go to the class alone. That's right. ME.
    formerly Castella
    (my dogs aren't snarly, my hair is)
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    LoloDSM wrote: »
    Who invites people to the wedding and not the reception? I've heard it the other way around, but that just sounds tacky.

    My friend did this. She was on a budget(got married during college). I thought it was tacky and really uncomfortable when another friend(who was invited to the wedding and not the reception) asked me if I knew anything about the reception.
  • AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users
    Josephine wrote: »
    LoloDSM wrote: »
    Who invites people to the wedding and not the reception? I've heard it the other way around, but that just sounds tacky.

    My friend did this. She was on a budget(got married during college). I thought it was tacky and really uncomfortable when another friend(who was invited to the wedding and not the reception) asked me if I knew anything about the reception.

    It is tacky and just comes across as begging for gifts. There is really no good way to explain it away.
  • NetGNetG Posts: 8,116Registered Users
    Given oso's badmouthing the husband on this thread, I'm not the least bit surprised she's not invited to the reception.

    Let me guess - in the whole group of friends, you're the one with the big problem with him, and you make him uncomfortable?

    Sounds to me like having you at the reception would be crapping on him, so your friend compromised and got him to agree to having you at their ceremony. Then you crapped on your friend by saying you wouldn't honor their marriage if you didn't get free food and a party, where you didn't get along with one of the guests of honor.
    The pews never miss a sermon but that doesn't get them one step closer to Heaven.
    -Speckla

    But at least the pews never attend yoga!
  • AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users
    NetG wrote: »
    Given oso's badmouthing the husband on this thread, I'm not the least bit surprised she's not invited to the reception.

    Let me guess - in the whole group of friends, you're the one with the big problem with him, and you make him uncomfortable?

    Sounds to me like having you at the reception would be crapping on him, so your friend compromised and got him to agree to having you at their ceremony. Then you crapped on your friend by saying you wouldn't honor their marriage if you didn't get free food and a party, where you didn't get along with one of the guests of honor.

    Yeah, there are two sides to everything, I just think we have a little snippet of the bigger picture here. As a rule I think inviting someone just to the wedding or just to the reception is tacky, but we don't know if the situation is like NetG said. Hmmm....maybe oso can let us have a little more insight, and also why this is the 2nd or however many time this has happened.
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users
    It's a rather old-fashioned practice that not everyone is invited to the reception. That's why a lot of pre-printed wedding invitations will say something like "reception immediately following the wedding", or will include a reception card with the invite. They are throwbacks to the old days. Back in the day, you weren't supposed to assume you were invited to the reception when you got a wedding invite, unless you also got the card, or the invite specifically said so.

    It's not much practices today, but still...I have been invited to weddings where I wasn't invited to the reception. It was usually casual work friends. I didn't consider it being "crapped on". I considered it a cost-saving measure. Receptions are expensive and some people can only afford to have a limited number of people attend the party, but still want their acquaintences to come to the wedding part. I went, watched the ceremonies, gave my best wishes to the bride and groom, then went home. I gave a smaller gift than I would have if I had been invited to the reception.

    I think you're being very ungracious, especially since you have an openly hostile relationship with the groom.
  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    NetG wrote: »
    Given oso's badmouthing the husband on this thread, I'm not the least bit surprised she's not invited to the reception.

    Let me guess - in the whole group of friends, you're the one with the big problem with him, and you make him uncomfortable?

    Sounds to me like having you at the reception would be crapping on him, so your friend compromised and got him to agree to having you at their ceremony. Then you crapped on your friend by saying you wouldn't honor their marriage if you didn't get free food and a party, where you didn't get along with one of the guests of honor.

    Yeah, this sounds like what I was thinking, too. The bride probably did compromise to get you to the ceremony and I would probably try to be gracious about it and apologize for saying I wouldn't come. Since she is marrying this man, if she's that good of a friend to you, you're going to have to swallow your pride and make nice with him because he will hopefully be around her for many years and if you are so vocal about disliking him, you're going to be the only one not getting invited to their dinner parties, birthdays, anniversaries, kids' births, christenings, birthday parties and graduations.....

    I agree that the big important moment at a wedding is (or should be) the ceremony, and it's an honour and a privilege to witness that, especially when specifically invited.

    I do also understand that the reception is the fun time to cut loose and celebrate and that if you are the only one in a group of friends not invited to that, it hurts and makes you question the friendship, and you feel left out when everyone else is talking about it. I don't agree that the couple is necessarily expecting a gift, nor do you have to give one if you don't feel moved to do so.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,059 Administrator
    Peppy wrote: »
    I'll ask again....what did she say when you told her you wouldn't be at the wedding if you weren't invited to the reception?

    Why would the reception be more important than the wedding.

    I want the whole event not just half of the events.
  • EliciaElicia Posts: 881Registered Users
    I think it is a bit odd getting invited to the wedding, and the showers and not the reception . I have never heard of that before, but dang that is good to know . The next time i get invited to one i am going to have to look at the invitation closer- not knowing that could be a big faux pas :laughing7:

    osocristie I could understand being hurt by it, but there has to be more to it . i want to know details... how did she say it ? why? when ? what did she say when you said you weren't going to the wedding if you didn't get cake ? spill it girl . :wink:
    Castella my dear you no doubt got crapped on that was harsh :sad8:
  • midgimidgi Posts: 2,409Registered Users
    Honestly, I think you should just make it easy on yourself and just phase her and her husband out of your life.

    There's just way to much drama in your life mama! You've got better friends and better things to do with your time then wait around for her to grant you permission to attend her wedding reception. I wouldn't beg. If she doesn't want you there, so be it.

    Pettiness comes with a price and I'd be extremely surprised if she chose you over her new husband.
    I just want to do what I want to do when I want to do it.
  • empressriempressri Posts: 4,812Registered Users
    Tacky tacky!!! They are rude and your friend AND hubby both have issues. Him for being a schmuck and your friend for going along with him.

    I wouldn't go to their wedding, showers, baby showers, house warmings, NADA!!!! You don't need my money, gifts or support, which it seems is what they really want by asking you to come to the shower.

    You don't need that. You are too nice of a person for someone to walk over you like that. You don't need them, if anything they need you. She will need you once he really starts getting on her nerves, cause love is blind but marriage is an eye opener.

    Just think of money that will be saved in your pocket from skipping out on their "blessed" events.
    Lady Hasytal in the Land of Product in the Order of the Curly Crusaders
    "Trust is knowing your SO would do the right thing in the face of strange vagina." Nej
    [/B]
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