Is it ok to think about someone else...Adult

urbancurlurbancurl Posts: 980Registered Users
Is it ok to think about someone else while you are having sex with your SO?

I don't believe there is a right or wrong answer, but how do you feel about it? Have you done it? If so, how did you feel about it?
"It is wrong to use moral means to preserve immoral ends." MLK, Jr.

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  • wild~hairwild~hair Posts: 9,890Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I'd say it's a problem if it is all the time -- like you can't have sex without it. And add to that, ongoing, like for more than a few months.

    If those two things are true, it's probably good to "check your relationship." But realize at the start of your pondering that it's not really about that someone else. It never is. It's masking some other problem in the relationship.

    Can I say, been there, done that? Not fun, but hey ...
  • oingo-sproingooingo-sproingo Posts: 144Registered Users
    Heck yes. Unless you are unable to get off with your SO w/o consistently thinking about someone else. (I think fantasizing about imaginary people is OK, but it's problematic if you are always thinking of one specific person). Every now and then, I imagine I'm w/someone else and it turns me on even more; like I am doing something naughty without actually being bad.
    Formerly agk

    *All 2s and 3A (hair has been wonky lately)
    *Currently enjoying Elucence MBC, Abba Nourishing, Giovanni Vitapro, Abba Gel-Lotion, Redken Spin Control
  • SaKkehSaKkeh Posts: 986Registered Users
    urbancurl wrote:
    Is it ok to think about someone else while you are having sex with your SO?

    No, its not ok.
  • MeghuneyMeghuney Posts: 4,263Registered Users
    I agree that if it's all the time - it's wrong. But there's nothing wrong with a little fantasizing. If any woman thinks her husband doesn't do a little fantasizing - she may be an idealist.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,772Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Is it OK if your SO thinks about someone other than you? :?:

  • MeghuneyMeghuney Posts: 4,263Registered Users
    I think it may be hurtful for someone to realize that - but I think most people have fantasies - am I wrong? Now, I just reread the question and noticed it said DURING sex. Personally, I've never been in the "thrust" of things, looking at DH, wishing it was Boris Kodjoe...but there have been times I've seen Boris Kodjoe on tv and said to myself, "Wow, to be a fly on the wall in his dressing room"...or perhaps something more ADULT than that. :wink:
  • j'adorej'adore Posts: 1,966Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    What if you're thinking about *two* other people. Is that bad?

    :lol:
    "Don't play me...I'm over 30, and I don't smoke weed"
    -Prince

    catcatadr20050914_-8_Marley+is.png
  • love yourself firstlove yourself first Posts: 5,398Registered Users
    Meghuney wrote:
    I think it may be hurtful for someone to realize that - but I think most people have fantasies - am I wrong? Now, I just reread the question and noticed it said DURING sex. Personally, I've never been in the "thrust" of things, looking at DH, wishing it was Boris Kodjoe...but there have been times I've seen Boris Kodjoe on tv and said to myself, "Wow, to be a fly on the wall in his dressing room"...or perhaps something more ADULT than that. :wink:

    Meghuney-

    No wonder you are not thinking about Boris K., your man is fine 8)

    I hope that your post means that he has cleaned up his act and is back in your and Tyson's lives.
    "Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."
    "I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then we live with that decision."
    - Eleanor Roosevelt (both quotes)

    (taking a break from posting starting late august 2009)
  • MeghuneyMeghuney Posts: 4,263Registered Users
    Curltopia wrote:
    Meghuney wrote:
    I think it may be hurtful for someone to realize that - but I think most people have fantasies - am I wrong? Now, I just reread the question and noticed it said DURING sex. Personally, I've never been in the "thrust" of things, looking at DH, wishing it was Boris Kodjoe...but there have been times I've seen Boris Kodjoe on tv and said to myself, "Wow, to be a fly on the wall in his dressing room"...or perhaps something more ADULT than that. :wink:

    Meghuney-

    No wonder you are not thinking about Boris K., your man is fine 8)

    I hope that your post means that he has cleaned up his act and is back in your and Tyson's lives.


    Yes he is. He completed his program. We'll see what happens. It would be very silly of me to sit back and say, "Everything is better and it will all work out now!". I don't know what will happen - but we'll see. I'm a tad more vigilant now. I've been going to meetings and stuff and I feel confident in my ability to handle things whichever way they may go! :)

    And thanks for the compliment on Roderick, lol. :wink: But Boris Kodjoe still weasels his way into my thoughts from time to time. He and Matthew McCoughnahey (however you spell it) are running a tight race. 8)
  • medussamedussa Posts: 12,993Registered Users
    You mean it's wrong to think really dirty thoughts while having sex? :P

    So for those of you who only think of your partner, what is your mind focused on, besides all the wonderful sensations? Are you thinking about how much you love him/her? Are you thinking, "move that way, no not that, yes, yes!"

    What does really go through your mind?

    To answer your question, Urbancurl, I don't think it's wrong to have a fanstasy running through your head while having sex. As a woman, it's all mental for me. I don't just get off by looking at my husband.

    Now if the fantasies are about someone you know and it's on a regular basis, I'd be more concerned with that.
  • MeghuneyMeghuney Posts: 4,263Registered Users
    medussa wrote:
    You mean it's wrong to think really dirty thoughts while having sex? :P

    So for those of you who only think of your partner, what is your mind focused on, besides all the wonderful sensations? Are you thinking about how much you love him/her? Are you thinking, "move that way, no not that, yes, yes!"

    What does really go through your mind?

    To answer your question, Urbancurl, I don't think it's wrong to have a fanstasy running through your head while having sex. As a woman, it's all mental for me. I don't just get off by looking at my husband.

    Now if the fantasies are about someone you know and it's on a regular basis, I'd be more concerned with that.

    Yeah, that would be a problem if you were thinking about your co-worker while having sex with your husband.
  • alguma pessoaalguma pessoa Posts: 619Registered Users
    Four words for you urban, Gabrielle, Clove, and Cinnamon. :wink:

    It can be fun and useful if it prevents you from cheating on your SO. However, if you find yourself fantasizing about other people frequently, something is wrong.

    I also find nothing wrong when a guy does it unless he is doing it all of the time. But I also have a do not ask do not tell rule.
    We're all born mad. Some remain so.

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  • love yourself firstlove yourself first Posts: 5,398Registered Users
    Meghuney wrote:


    Yes he is. He completed his program. We'll see what happens. It would be very silly of me to sit back and say, "Everything is better and it will all work out now!". I don't know what will happen - but we'll see. I'm a tad more vigilant now. I've been going to meetings and stuff and I feel confident in my ability to handle things whichever way they may go! :)

    And thanks for the compliment on Roderick, lol. :wink: But Boris Kodjoe still weasels his way into my thoughts from time to time. He and Matthew McCoughnahey (however you spell it) are running a tight race. 8)

    Excellent news!! :) And you have great taste in men 8) I also loved your hair in that family xmas picture you posted - it is looking fly!
    "Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."
    "I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then we live with that decision."
    - Eleanor Roosevelt (both quotes)

    (taking a break from posting starting late august 2009)
  • An AkashaAn Akasha Posts: 175Registered Users
    I've thought about fictional characters, but never real people or people in real life. I've never fantasized about move stars, either, but that seems harmless.

    IMO, if you're thinking about real people (friends, neighbors, coworkers, etc.), that may be a sign that something's not right in the relationship.
    BSL of thick 4a/ 3c coils.
    Member since 1999.
  • MephistoMephisto Posts: 555Registered Users
    From a male's perspective, I can tell you this... nothing makes me hotter than seeing the look on my SOs face while we're engaging in "positive interaction." There is no movie-star, no porn-star, no ex-girlfriend, etc. that I can "imagine" while in the throes of passion that is going to make me any hotter than seeing her all hot & bothered... feeling her body moving beneath me... her hips rolling as I am between her legs and feeling her hand on the back of my head running through my hair or grabbing my hair and pulling my mouth hard against her ^&*#... the moans, groans, dirty talk... the breathless whispers in each others' ears as we reach the crescendo and we beg each other to finish together and she bites down hard into my shoulder and grabs my @ss cheeks and pulls me as deep inside her as she can handle... I have no inclination to imagine anyone else and...

    Jeebus is she gonna get it tonight!
    The good people do is interred with their bones. Their mistakes live on forever...
  • urbancurlurbancurl Posts: 980Registered Users
    Is it OK if your SO thinks about someone other than you? :?:

    Yeah, it's ok, as long as he doesn't say her name out loud!
    "It is wrong to use moral means to preserve immoral ends." MLK, Jr.

    Password= urban
  • fraufrau Posts: 6,130Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Mephisto wrote:
    From a male's perspective, I can tell you this... nothing makes me hotter than seeing the look on my SOs face while we're engaging in "positive interaction." There is no movie-star, no porn-star, no ex-girlfriend, etc. that I can "imagine" while in the throes of passion that is going to make me any hotter than seeing her all hot & bothered... feeling her body moving beneath me... her hips rolling as I am between her legs and feeling her hand on the back of my head running through my hair or grabbing my hair and pulling my mouth hard against her ^&*#... the moans, groans, dirty talk... the breathless whispers in each others' ears as we reach the crescendo and we beg each other to finish together and she bites down hard into my shoulder and grabs my @ss cheeks and pulls me as deep inside her as she can handle... I have no inclination to imagine anyone else and...

    Jeebus is she gonna get it tonight!

    whew, good read!
  • urbancurlurbancurl Posts: 980Registered Users
    medussa wrote:
    You mean it's wrong to think really dirty thoughts while having sex? :P

    So for those of you who only think of your partner, what is your mind focused on, besides all the wonderful sensations? Are you thinking about how much you love him/her? Are you thinking, "move that way, no not that, yes, yes!"

    What does really go through your mind?

    To answer your question, Urbancurl, I don't think it's wrong to have a fanstasy running through your head while having sex. As a woman, it's all mental for me. I don't just get off by looking at my husband.

    Now if the fantasies are about someone you know and it's on a regular basis, I'd be more concerned with that.

    I'd like to hear answers to Medussa's questions.

    MEPHISTO,

    You should write romance novels.
    "It is wrong to use moral means to preserve immoral ends." MLK, Jr.

    Password= urban
  • kitkat3nykitkat3ny Posts: 28Registered Users
    I chose it's not right or wrong, no biggie. I know I may be in the minority here but these are your thoughts and no one has to know about them. They are your fantacies. I don't find this sneaky or betraying, your thoughts are private for a reason.

    Besides it doesn't mean you love your SO less or find him less attractive, I don't think the two go hand-in-hand. However, if your having feelings for this FWB then that's something different all together. Whatever gets you off, gets you off. I find it as simple as that.


    Kat
  • MephistoMephisto Posts: 555Registered Users
    urbancurl wrote:
    MEPHISTO,

    You should write romance novels.

    Yes, I probably should. :oops:
    The good people do is interred with their bones. Their mistakes live on forever...
  • urbancurlurbancurl Posts: 980Registered Users
    I don't think it's a big deal when I'm imagining past situations that were exciting, and the person involved is not important to me and not on my mind any other time than occasionally when I am having sex with SO.

    I don't imagine movie stars during sex-- the realistically attainable turns me on much more-- but that doesn't seem like a big deal at all.

    It's a little problematic to me when it is one particular person from my past. I think he's on my mind because we are in touch with each other via phone and email lately. And I was always very attracted to him and felt very attractive when I was with him. With my current SO, I never really felt that way, even in the beginning. In the past, I tended to be so focused on the sexual, the excitement, and getting validation that I didn't actually have the kind of stable, loving relationships I wanted. So in the past few years I have been so focused on the other parts of relationships-- partnership, dependability, commitment, friendship, love-- maybe I went TOO far in this direction and neglected the part of myself that needs passion. Finding balance has never been easy for me.

    I guess this is just part of a problem that I already know I have, and have been working on for years. Nothing to freak out about. More will be revealed.

    It's good to hear your opinions on the subject; thanks! Keep 'em coming!
    "It is wrong to use moral means to preserve immoral ends." MLK, Jr.

    Password= urban
  • love yourself firstlove yourself first Posts: 5,398Registered Users
    Mephisto wrote:
    From a male's perspective, I can tell you this... nothing makes me hotter than seeing the look on my SOs face while we're engaging in "positive interaction." There is no movie-star, no porn-star, no ex-girlfriend, etc. that I can "imagine" while in the throes of passion that is going to make me any hotter than seeing her all hot & bothered... feeling her body moving beneath me... her hips rolling as I am between her legs and feeling her hand on the back of my head running through my hair or grabbing my hair and pulling my mouth hard against her ^&*#... the moans, groans, dirty talk... the breathless whispers in each others' ears as we reach the crescendo and we beg each other to finish together and she bites down hard into my shoulder and grabs my @ss cheeks and pulls me as deep inside her as she can handle... I have no inclination to imagine anyone else and...

    Jeebus is she gonna get it tonight!

    8)
    "Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."
    "I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then we live with that decision."
    - Eleanor Roosevelt (both quotes)

    (taking a break from posting starting late august 2009)
  • urbancurlurbancurl Posts: 980Registered Users
    kitkat3ny wrote:
    I chose it's not right or wrong, no biggie. I know I may be in the minority here but these are your thoughts and no one has to know about them. They are your fantacies. I don't find this sneaky or betraying, your thoughts are private for a reason.

    Besides it doesn't mean you love your SO less or find him less attractive, I don't think the two go hand-in-hand. However, if your having feelings for this FWB then that's something different all together. Whatever gets you off, gets you off. I find it as simple as that.


    Kat

    Thanks, Kat, that is refreshing. I'm not being sneaky or betraying my SO just because I fantasize about my old pal sometimes. I'm sure SO enjoys the increased vigor it gives me! :lol: I feel like I am still being a good girlfriend. I love him, and I do things to try and express that.

    In my case I am not as attracted to my SO as I wish I was. But that is a separate problem, and it is about me more than it is my SO. He's an attractive enough person. It's my own issues I think. But does he deserve somebody who drools at the sight of him? That's not realistic, is it, no matter how good a person looks?
    "It is wrong to use moral means to preserve immoral ends." MLK, Jr.

    Password= urban
  • kitkat3nykitkat3ny Posts: 28Registered Users
    To be honest, I've never had a sexual experience in my life where I was actually thinking of the person I was with, including my current girlfriend. I never feel like i'm betraying her either, like you.

    But, passion is important to me. Are you starting to think it's more important to you now, then it was before? Anything or anyone can conjure up these thoughts. Maybe you've felt this way along under the surface. I had an 8yr relationship with someone that I had no attraction to, after a while he just felt like a friend to me, like we were roommate. I think it was mostly because I was attracted to women and was conflicted at the time. Now w/ my GF, I'm attracted to her very much and we do have passion. I vowed to never have another passionless relationship again. I know some say, there are plenty of other components in a relatioship, but everyone's different. My priority is I have to be attracted to that person, with a passionate attraction.

    Kat
  • urbancurlurbancurl Posts: 980Registered Users
    kitkat3ny wrote:
    To be honest, I've never had a sexual experience in my life where I was actually thinking of the person I was with, including my current girlfriend. I never feel like i'm betraying her either, like you.

    But, passion is important to me. Are you starting to think it's more important to you now, then it was before? Anything or anyone can conjure up these thoughts. Maybe you've felt this way along under the surface. I had an 8yr relationship with someone that I had no attraction to, after a while he just felt like a friend to me, like we were roommate. I think it was mostly because I was attracted to women and was conflicted at the time. Now w/ my GF, I'm attracted to her very much and we do have passion. I vowed to never have another passionless relationship again. I know some say, there are plenty of other components in a relatioship, but everyone's different. My priority is I have to be attracted to that person, with a passionate attraction.

    Kat

    Yeah, passion is important to me, along with all the other good stuff you can have in a relationship. Can I live with the amount of sexual passion I've got with current SO? I guess I'm not sure yet. I am happy with a lot of other things about the relationship and him.

    It's nice to hear that you were able to move on from a passionless relationship to one with passion, and have the other good stuff with too (I'm assuming, since you sound happy with your GF!). I fear that I set myself up, and can't have sexual passion and a great partnership with the same person. Classic fear of intimacy.
    "It is wrong to use moral means to preserve immoral ends." MLK, Jr.

    Password= urban
  • CynaminbearCynaminbear Posts: 4,476Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I guess I'll be a dissenting voice here. I think it's wrong. If dh were to be thinking about someone else, I'd feel like he's cheating. Mentally, he'd be doing it with someone else, not me. That would also be true if I were to be the one fantasizing about someone else.
    I like to think it's how Mephisto wrote. Well, what I could read of it, anyway. :oops:
    There's no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold so he turned up the sun.
  • MephistoMephisto Posts: 555Registered Users
    I like to think it's how Mephisto wrote. Well, what I could read of it, anyway. :oops:

    Yeah, you know it. My SO is SMOKIN' hot. :wink: I'm takin' her upstairs because she's what's on my mind... and no one else.
    The good people do is interred with their bones. Their mistakes live on forever...
  • urbancurlurbancurl Posts: 980Registered Users
    Mephisto wrote:
    I like to think it's how Mephisto wrote. Well, what I could read of it, anyway. :oops:

    Yeah, you know it. My SO is SMOKIN' hot. :wink: I'm takin' her upstairs because she's what's on my mind... and no one else.

    That's really nice. Really! I mean that with no irony. I would like to feel that way and have the person feel that way about me in return. :)
    "It is wrong to use moral means to preserve immoral ends." MLK, Jr.

    Password= urban
  • BIGBRETBIGBRET Posts: 24Registered Users
    Mephisto wrote:
    From a male's perspective, I can tell you this... nothing makes me hotter than seeing the look on my SOs face while we're engaging in "positive interaction." There is no movie-star, no porn-star, no ex-girlfriend, etc. that I can "imagine" while in the throes of passion that is going to make me any hotter than seeing her all hot & bothered... feeling her body moving beneath me... her hips rolling as I am between her legs and feeling her hand on the back of my head running through my hair or grabbing my hair and pulling my mouth hard against her ^&*#... the moans, groans, dirty talk... the breathless whispers in each others' ears as we reach the crescendo and we beg each other to finish together and she bites down hard into my shoulder and grabs my @ss cheeks and pulls me as deep inside her as she can handle... I have no inclination to imagine anyone else and...

    Jeebus is she gonna get it tonight!

    Well said! I have never imagined anyone other than my wife during intercourse. I am completely into her and the moment.

    Now during masturbation that is a different story.
    "We share the same biology regardless of ideology" -Sting-
  • velvet pawsvelvet paws Posts: 1,250Registered Users
    kitkat3ny wrote:
    I chose it's not right or wrong, no biggie. I know I may be in the minority here but these are your thoughts and no one has to know about them. They are your fantacies. I don't find this sneaky or betraying, your thoughts are private for a reason.

    ITA - there is nothing wrong with having fantasies.
    3A / 2B / 2C wavicelli

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