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He did it (long)

ninja dogninja dog Posts: 23,780Registered Users
again.

Tonight at 5:00, my fiance called me and ended our engagement. We've been together 3.5 years, engaged for 6 months.

I can't say he hasn't done this before. We were apart for three months in our first year together as a result. In the past, a reason has always ultimately emerged: he's hurt, or he's angry. We have seen a counselor, and many issues have been resolved, or at least improved. I've been proud of his --and our--progress. Especially his.

He insists this time is different (he's said that before, too). This was the weekend when he was going to talk with his wealthy family about assisting us with buying a house (I don't earn enough for a mortgage loan, and it recently emerged that his credit isn't tip top, although that's from carelessness, not overspending). He's very ashamed about having to admit to his self-made success of a father that he has bad credit.

So, although I gave him no ultimatums, and would have been willing to work out an alternative (such as renting a house, instead), he announced today, out of the blue, that he does not love me anymore. When we met to talk, he removed the engagement ring from my finger. He did not say goodbye to our pets (who adore him). He was stunned when I refused his offer to remain friends.

He did not discuss his plan with the counselor in advance. Because of a clerical mistake, his last appointment did not take place. He did not wish to wait for his upcoming appointment before taking action.

He's never had a relationship as long as ours. His college girlfriend refused his proposal of marriage. He has health problems, and has recently begun having episodes of depression (which I worried were because he wasn't happy with our relationship, and asked him about, and to which I received a firm denial as me or us being the cause, every time). He is in his late 30's; I am close to his age.

I accept that this has happened, but this person was my partner. We've been planning our future. I'm shocked, and very scared about the loneliness I will feel.

Help.
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Comments

  • wild~hairwild~hair Posts: 9,890Registered Users
    I'm so sorry. :(

    {{{hugs}}}
  • Mass1gBewegtMass1gBewegt Posts: 113Registered Users
    Oh geez. I'm so sorry for you, especially as you didn't see it coming. :sad3: I hope you'll be ok, I really do.

    [hug]
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  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users
    he removed the engagement ring from my finger.
    :thumbdown:
    wow...just wow....

    We are here for you. I'm sorry you are dealing w/ this. Time will make it better. (((hugs)))
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  • violetsviolets Posts: 1,689Registered Users
    I am sorry.
    Perhaps when you walk away from it all you will realize it was for the best.
    I know you are scared about loneliness but it is better than being in a bad relationship.
  • wireyfireyringletzwireyfireyringletz Posts: 48Registered Users
    .
    :love1:
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users
    violets wrote: »
    I am sorry.
    Perhaps when you walk away from it all you will realize it was for the best.
    I know you are scared about loneliness but it is better than being in a bad relationship.


    I second these thoughts. Relationships shouldn't be so much work, and I think years from now you'll actually be thanking your lucky stars that it ended before you got deeply embroiled with a house and kids together. I hope the shock and lonliness eases for you soon.
  • g-stringrannyg-stringranny Posts: 2,701Registered Users
    I'm so sorry. How dare he take the engagement ring off your finger. You are so much better without him, tho' I'm sure you don't realize that right now. If you had of married him, you would have probably been on a roller coaster ride that wouldn't have been fun. You are actually lucky he broke it off. Hang in there, sweetie, and do everything to get your mind off of him. Do everything for you right now. Be selfish. He doesn't deserve you. Keep telling yourself that.
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  • automaticflowersautomaticflowers Posts: 3,465Registered Users
    Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry.
    In the past, a reason has always ultimately emerged: he's hurt, or he's angry.

    That seems like an awful lot of heartache and stress to have to deal with on your part every time he does that.

    (((hugs)))
  • internetchickinternetchick Posts: 6,191Registered Users
    I'm so sorry. :(
  • ninja dogninja dog Posts: 23,780Registered Users
    Thank you.

    It just....it just hurts so much right now.
  • g-stringrannyg-stringranny Posts: 2,701Registered Users
    Definitely it hurts! There are so many of us who have been there & we do understand. It's in our past, but it is in your present & you will have to endure this. I assure you that you will look back on this as a blessing that you didn't get more involved. i know that doesn't help you now. You have to go thru the grieving process. Just know that many of us have been there & we will be there for you. ((HUGS))
    AKA lotsawaves
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  • PigletPiglet Posts: 1,451Registered Users
    Oh how awful for you. *hugs* You must be feeling terrible right now. I second what has already been said. He sounds like he has problems. It's not you, it's him, and some time from now, you will meet someone wonderful. For now, be kind to yourself and I'm here if you want to talk.
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  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,738Registered Users
    he removed the engagement ring from my finger.
    :thumbdown:
    wow...just wow....

    We are here for you. I'm sorry you are dealing w/ this. Time will make it better. (((hugs)))

    ITA. I'm sorry, Ninja.
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  • whatsercurlwhatsercurl Posts: 4,049Registered Users
    So sorry for you. *HUGS*

    Like others have said, it seems he may have some longstanding emotional issues that in the long run probably would have meant the demise of your marriage.

    Take care of yourself during these trying times.
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  • Rebecca deWinterRebecca deWinter Posts: 2,254Registered Users
    ninja, as you're one of my favorite people on this forum, i really feel for you. i'm so sorry this is happening. :( i hope you will be able to rise above this.
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  • cyndicyndi Posts: 3,341Registered Users
    I'm so sorry. Breakups suck.
    I think that I deceive genius.:happy10:
  • medussamedussa Posts: 12,993Registered Users
    I'm so sorry he did this to you.
  • MoppyTMoppyT Posts: 998Registered Users
    Ugh, what a pile of suck. I'm so sorry.

    I went through something similar almost 5 years ago now. My SO of over 5 years suddenly announced that he was leaving, and that was that. It's such a rug-pulled-from-under-you feeling.

    If this time is for real, and he really is gone, all I can say it that it does get better. Not for a while, but it does... you move on and then one day you realize you truly are better off, probably way better off. If you lived together, moving out of the home you shared will help tremendously. A change of scenery can do wonders.

    I am so glad my ex left me when he did. At the time, I thought I was going to die, but if that's what I had to go through to get to where I am now, it was truly the best thing for me.

    Hug your beasts, and allow yourself to be sad right now.
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  • YolyCYolyC Posts: 3,758Registered Users
    violets wrote: »
    I am sorry.
    Perhaps when you walk away from it all you will realize it was for the best.
    I know you are scared about loneliness but it is better than being in a bad relationship.


    ITA. {{{Hugs}}}
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  • yagottaloveyacurlsyagottaloveyacurls Posts: 5,766Registered Users
    I'm so incredibly sorry, ninja.. :(
    I'm not trying to take up for him, (believe me, I'm not) but do you think it could be due to his depression? Do you think maybe he's having some sort of serious issues going on in his head that he needs help? sounds like he's running away... and that's not good. I'm really sorry this is happening. :( I'm just wondering about the depression thing... depression can make people act all sorts of irrational. ((( hugs )))
  • iaraiara Posts: 1,199Registered Users
    I am sorry.

    And I agree with what violets wrote.
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  • LoloDSMLoloDSM Posts: 3,778Registered Users
    I'm so sorry, Ninja. I can't imagine how shocked you must be feeling right now. I do agree with RCW though. It shouldn't be that much work. Certainly not while you're dating/engaged.

    I am very sorry your hurting now, but I can't help but think that you're probably better off. It sounds like his issues have more to do with him that you. I know that doesn't help now. I hope you find some peace. We're all here for you. ((HUGS))
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  • cymprenicympreni Posts: 9,609Registered Users
    I'm sorry
  • gekko422gekko422 Posts: 4,869Registered Users
    I am so sorry. I also agree with RCW and also Lolo. My thoughts are with you.
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  • yagottaloveyacurlsyagottaloveyacurls Posts: 5,766Registered Users
    LoloDSM wrote: »
    It sounds like his issues have more to do with him that you. I know that doesn't help now. I hope you find some peace. We're all here for you. ((HUGS))

    ITA.
  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,059 Administrator
    Oh, man, that really stinks. What a crass and graceless way to break up.

    You're better off without a guy like that, though it might be a while before you feel that way.
  • BiancaBianca Posts: 2,492Registered Users
    Reading your posts, it's kind of a good thing that he did this now than when you two were actually married. It seems that whatever issues he's having would make him the type to walk out on you in a marriage and things could have ended with a nasty divorce.

    I'm sorry. What a terrible way to end things.
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  • ninja dogninja dog Posts: 23,780Registered Users
    He gave me a bunch of money from our down payment account, money that was from his family.

    I feel broken.
  • MistressM.MistressM. Banned Posts: 254Banned Users
    UGH, that's sucky. I hope you don't take him back if he changes his mind again. He sounds shady and just plain weird. You're better off without that.
  • mrspoppersmrspoppers Posts: 7,223Registered Users
    I'm so sorry. How heartbreaking.

    I had a broken engagement 9 years ago and I still remember the heartbreak. It's not just losing the relationship, but the future you thought you'd have. You will get through it and be a stronger, better person for it, but it's going to take some time.
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