The Official Online Dating Diaries Thread

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  • tinksaysbootinksaysboo Posts: 543Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Curl Virtuoso
    My married guy friend said that was feeling me out to see if I had interest.  I responded with what he reccomended "Well, I'll have to join you for your next one! Let me know when you'll be up this way!" 

    Lets see...
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  • MyrnaMyrna Posts: 2,472Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Yes, Myrna it is the same man.  It's 90 minutes away, not 90 miles tho' that really doesn't make a difference.  I have such a headache right now & I am feeling anxious.  Not how I want to feel.  He also said that if he met a woman & they had chemistry that he didn't have a problem sleeping with her.  I told him that I like to give it more time to see if there is more then just the chemistry.  He then flip flopped and said, me too.  I agree with your male friend that sex should not be brought up so early on.  I'm going to text him tomorrow & tell him I won't be available on Sunday & then just ignore him.  I know it is the chicken way out.  LOL
    What a disappointment!  but I used to think, OK he showed me who he is up front, I wont spend more time on that one.  Myself personally I did not want a man who thought with his dick, and I did not want someone who was casual about sex.  It took me a while to get there, and with myself as well. Ignoring him is not necessarily the chicken way out. On line it is an accepted statement of "I am not interested".tinksaysboo said:
    @Lotsawaves - do you find the older you get the harder it is to be okay with that kind of baggage?  Or that you get more "red flag gut feelings"? When I was a teenager and in my 20s, someone's history didn't matter to me.  "love can conquer anything!"   Now in my 30s, it's more "I see this being an issue in the future and don't want to even go there"
    @Lotsawaves - do you find the older you get the harder it is to be okay with that kind of baggage?  Or that you get more "red flag gut feelings"? When I was a teenager and in my 20s, someone's history didn't matter to me.  "love can conquer anything!"   Now in my 30s, it's more "I see this being an issue in the future and don't want to even go there"
    Tinks:  I think it is really good to pay attention to those internal cues.  I used to override them, then I wound up confused, hurt, trying to "fix" it, or blaming myself.  I think that internal cue is the "****" detector going off.  A person can have a serious history - as long as he has learned from it and can demonstrate that he has.  
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Josephine said:
    LOL, I do this stuff all the time. Why so nervous? I remember once I sorta did this once. I was trying to be slick about it but he could tell. And told me had a gf :(. He indirectly but oh so directly threw it in there. Only guy I've ever been attracted to and wanted to date for something serious. :( He's probably married now to that ugly, unsmart girl..okay i digress..sorry!

    Let us know what he says!!
    awkwardness gives me really bad anxiety.  So if he rejects me, if we are ever in the office, I will have to be on anxiety meds to get through the day :( 

    He replied, but can't tell if he is shutting me down or he is not getting the hint?

    "Haha oh yes! I have been to Earls several times.  Never had a martini there though! I’ll have to order one next time!

     

    Yes, thank you! Hope you have a good weekend also!"
    How old is he? Yea if he doesn't use this is a chance to flirt with you more, I'd leave it alone. Once I was too shy to  make a move and him too so I told him i wanted the pic of the alligator he just took(yes we were at a house party with a lake with an alligator lol) so i could get his number. We ended up talking forever (months since we were long distance) but his shyness and unassertiveness eventually turned me off.
  • tinksaysbootinksaysboo Posts: 543Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Curl Virtuoso
    edited January 2019
    My married guy friend said that was feeling me out to see if I had interest.  I responded with what he reccomended "Well, I'll have to join you for your next one! Let me know when you'll be up this way!" 

    Lets see...
    @[email protected] Based on LinkedIn, i think he is my age.   Early to mid 30s.

    He eplied with

    "Absolutely! That would be great to get us and anyone else in that lonely office to come for a drink!"

    Guy friend said "ok, so he still hasn't figured out you're into him (guys are slow, but he's excited to see you again"

    The ball is in his court now, nothing I can do but leave it alone. sigh 
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  • tinksaysbootinksaysboo Posts: 543Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Curl Virtuoso
    edited January 2019
    @Myrna  - Luckily, I've always listened to my gut.  But as my red flag watch list grows, I am starting to wonder if my gut is shooting me in the foot. 
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  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    Tinks, I do wonder if my gut is shooting me in my foot, also.  LOL
    I'm really not that attracted to him physically, so all this other stuff tells me not to waste my time.  I am so fine being on my own.  Maybe that is why I am so picky.  
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • MyrnaMyrna Posts: 2,472Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    OK, first I dont want this to sound like I am men bashing.  But what the Hey?  what is wrong with men these days?  and I see ir around me everywhere.  Guys out to dinner in basketball shorts.  Guys out to dinner in baseball caps and they keep them on.  Men - dont they know how to be men any more?  Tinks, that guys' response was LAME.  Arent men these days at all into the concept that sometimes we like it when they LEAD?  Couldnt he have said "That would be nice, I would like that?"  why does he have to make it a group project?   Maybe he is not the leader type. What does your gut tell you about what YOU need? not what you think HE might need?  
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    Myrna,  you hit the nail on the head when you said that your gut should say what YOU need.  There are too many women who try to please men without thinking of themselves.  I don't want to have to wonder if a man is interested in me.  He needs to man up & tell me.  I'm also tired of men dressing so casually for dates.  I may take over an hour to get ready to meet for a date & the guy will be in shorts.  Like he didn't bother to look nice for me. 
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • MyrnaMyrna Posts: 2,472Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I know, right?  One night my husband and I were out for dinner - a casual place, but still - the table in front of is a young woman, very nicely put together - jeans, jacket, makeup hair done nice.  Her date: a guy with a baseball cap dressed like he would be around his house.  They are not talking - clearly, I say to Pierre, a blind date.  She went into the ladies room and I almost followed her with suggestions on how to end her date early.  I really dont know what is wrong with men - is it lousy male role models or no male role models at all?  doesnt anyone tell them how to dress, behave on a date, how to treat a woman,etc? "Manning up" - yeah, that's it.  A lot of the difficulties are about men not manning up.  
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    I think men don't feel they have to put in the work.  So many women are willing to throw themselves at them.  I know some women who act like this, plus I have had men tell me this.  I feel that there are women who don't have any self-respect.  If you can't respect yourself, you can't expect someone else to respect you.  
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • MyrnaMyrna Posts: 2,472Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    So what do we think that means?  that women are desperate for a man and that men can sit back?  If men dont know how to be men, why dont women respect themselves?
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    My married guy friend said that was feeling me out to see if I had interest.  I responded with what he reccomended "Well, I'll have to join you for your next one! Let me know when you'll be up this way!" 

    Lets see...
    @[email protected] Based on LinkedIn, i think he is my age.   Early to mid 30s.

    He eplied with

    "Absolutely! That would be great to get us and anyone else in that lonely office to come for a drink!"

    Guy friend said "ok, so he still hasn't figured out you're into him (guys are slow, but he's excited to see you again"

    The ball is in his court now, nothing I can do but leave it alone. sigh 
    Do you think he's that clueless? 30s is not thaat young. It sounds like he has gf. Yea it's in his court now. 
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    Myrna said:
    So what do we think that means?  that women are desperate for a man and that men can sit back?  If men dont know how to be men, why dont women respect themselves?
    Men not knowing how to act as men doesn't have anything to do with women not respecting themselves.  Women are tolerating bad behavior from men because they don't feel they deserve better treatment.  This allows men to sit back & let women make the moves. They don't feel they have to make an effort.  Men use to do the chasing.  Women are chasing the men now.  We have seen this here & I know several women who are making this mistake.  
    Back on the online dating....The man text me that he hoped I had a great day & was looking forward to seeing me on Sunday.  I texted him back & said that I would not be available & need to cancel.  He texted back that is was ok, then texted again asking if he should delete my number.  I thought that was a bit strange.  I waited then I texted back yes.  He then texted that he needed to know what he said that would have made me feel this way.  I didn't respond & won't.  It would have been a back & forth thing.  Him flip flopping.  
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I think men don't feel they have to put in the work.  So many women are willing to throw themselves at them.  I know some women who act like this, plus I have had men tell me this.  I feel that there are women who don't have any self-respect.  If you can't respect yourself, you can't expect someone else to respect you.  
    They really are(men being lazy). I've been chatting again with a guy I met a few months ago. I told him I should be free to hang out later this week or weekend. He texts me today at 3pm to ask what I'm doing tonight. Even for just sex/fun, that's just lame. 

    And yea, a lot of women have lowered their standards and men are taking advantage of it. I'm not sure why so many women don't respect themselves do certain things they do but I have seen it and it's quite frustrating. I think a lot of women value men's validation(even if its temporary and/or superficial) more than themselves. 
  • MyrnaMyrna Posts: 2,472Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    edited January 2019
    'And yea, a lot of women have lowered their standards and men are taking advantage of it. I'm not sure why so many women don't respect themselves do certain things they do but I have seen it and it's quite frustrating. I think a lot of women value men's validation(even if its temporary and/or superficial) more than themselves.'

    The question is WHY women have lowered their standards.  I guess having a man - any man - is more important than self respect?  I think many women are flattered at being chosen - like they are cupcakes in a bakery - so what is important is being selected for male attention, as opposed to we women thinking about who we are and what we need, and doing our own selecting.

    @tinksaysboo, I am sorry you are so anxious and frightened of rejection that you do not feel you can learn to assert your own needs and values in order to connect with a man in a meaningful way. That must be very difficult. My fear for you is that you will sitting on the sidelines, waiting for some guy to "choose" you, and being upset if he does not.  There is an old song from the 60's that Lotsa will  remember:  "Wishing and hoping, and hoping, and praying, planning and dreaming, his kisses will start, that wont get you into his heart". 

    @Lotsawaves, I am glad you agreed he should delete your number and that you did not feel you needed to answer his questions about why.  He should be able to figure that out.  What I think is that when any one has been in a long relationship/marriage, unless we resolve what went wrong, and our part in it, we automatically revert to who we were and what we were doing when we were first dating, which for most of us was in our late teens or early 20's .  So that means there are a lot of guys out there behaving/thinking like adolescents, like telling a new potential partner that he has no problems sleeping with a woman right away if the chemistry is there.  Please!  that is what a teenager or 20 something would say - not a grown man, IMO.  A grown man also knows when its TMI, or TMD (too much drama), and knows enough to not let his past impact his present right out of the box. 
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    Yes, I do remember that song.  I also have to say that I think Tinks has her head on straight.  Hey, she is in her 30's and she is much smarter then I was in my 40's & 50's.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    Is anyone watching "Dirty John"?  It's based on a true story about a woman who met a man online.  A reminder to be careful.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Myrna said:
    So what do we think that means?  that women are desperate for a man and that men can sit back?  If men dont know how to be men, why dont women respect themselves?
    Men not knowing how to act as men doesn't have anything to do with women not respecting themselves.  Women are tolerating bad behavior from men because they don't feel they deserve better treatment.  This allows men to sit back & let women make the moves. They don't feel they have to make an effort.  Men use to do the chasing.  Women are chasing the men now.  We have seen this here & I know several women who are making this mistake.  
    Back on the online dating....The man text me that he hoped I had a great day & was looking forward to seeing me on Sunday.  I texted him back & said that I would not be available & need to cancel.  He texted back that is was ok, then texted again asking if he should delete my number.  I thought that was a bit strange.  I waited then I texted back yes.  He then texted that he needed to know what he said that would have made me feel this way.  I didn't respond & won't.  It would have been a back & forth thing.  Him flip flopping.  
    Yea don't respond. It's not that weird that he asked you. I met a guy once, hung out and found out he was married. I had already given him my number earlier. Later when I started ignoring him, he asked if he should delete my number. I just ignored it. I prefer being direct but in my experience it doesn't usually work. They never accept the answer and keep texting back. 
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Myrna said:
    So what do we think that means?  that women are desperate for a man and that men can sit back?  If men dont know how to be men, why dont women respect themselves?
    I don't know why women don't but I don't believe it's anything new. Before men had to be chivalrous and nice and usually married(way before) to get laid. They had to get married and make promises and usually at least show that they followed through. Many women stayed in bad marriages because they had to. 

    People think men are worse now but I don't think that's the case. They are showing you their true colors before you get 'trapped' in a marriage. I'd rather know upfront. 

    On what Lotsa said, I have seen that to be true of some friends I have (they are doing the chasing). It's usually the guy will chase at first to get something new(new sex) and then loose interest but he's lied and fooled her into thinking he's into something more. The women seem to get easily attached and keep chasing just because of that one good weekend or two they shared(I did this too once in my 20s). I think not everyone learns from their experiences..
  • tinksaysbootinksaysboo Posts: 543Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Curl Virtuoso
    @Lotsawaves  - That is what we need someone to tell us, the fine line between being picky and real red flags lol

    @Myrna - what I need to know is if he is seeing someone or not.  My gut is telling me he probably is.  But there is also this part of me that wonders if he is trying to not cross boundaries because we do work for the same consulting firm. 

     I talked another close male friend of mine, whose career closely matches this guy.  He said that he rarely asks someone out who works at the same company, even if they are in two total different parts of the business that would never ever interact, unless he is 100% sure she is into him.  I gave him the whole run down & showed him the e-mails and he said it's not enough to go by. 

    Yes, I can be a lot more direct and ask him if he is seeing someone or make it clear we should hang out one on one.  But for the chance he is trying to respect professional boundaries, I am going to leave the ball in his court and move on.
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  • tinksaysbootinksaysboo Posts: 543Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Curl Virtuoso
    Josephine said:
    Do you think he's that clueless? 30s is not thaat young. It sounds like he has gf. Yea it's in his court now. 
    From two male opinions who received the whole rundown on this situation, yes.  They both think there likely is cluelessness. 
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  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    Not sure if you want my opinion, but in case you do, I would say leave the ball in his court.  Let him pursue you, if he is serious.  Just sit & chill & don't worry about it.  
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • MyrnaMyrna Posts: 2,472Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    @Josephine:  I think you are right about men sitting back and being pursued by women but I still wonder where their cojones are...and why women are still so - desperate - for want of a better word - for these lame men, many of whom are liars, cheaters, etc.  I just scratch my head.  What I also see is this pattern that people go out on a date - or two - or three (there is the "three date rule"); the relationship turns sexual; and the two people start acting as if they are in a long term relationship, without even knowing one another - or, as you say, perhaps women attach quickly.  I see this pattern whether the people are 15 or 55.  It makes no sense to me that casual sex so quickly becomes confused with long term compatibility.
    @ Tinks:  What you said about him not wanting to cross professional lines makes sense ..but I guess I am confused, it sounded to me that you may not ever work with him again.  In any case, I agree, I would also leave it alone.  Men really do need to learn to do some work, some courting, some question asking, some emotional work to get to know a woman.
  • tinksaysbootinksaysboo Posts: 543Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Curl Virtuoso
    @Myrna - I've never worked with him.  We are consultants for the same firm but work on two contracts.  There is little likelihood, that I can see, that we would ever be on the same contract.   He was in the office last week doing a knowledge transfer with the current PM of a contract he is taking over.  Once that is over, who knows if I will ever see him again as I plan on only coming in 2-3 days a week (I was scoping out the best days to come in last week) 
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  • MyrnaMyrna Posts: 2,472Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    ..so how would this cross a line for him, if it is unlikely that you will work on the same contract..?
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    edited January 2019
    Myrna said:
     It makes no sense to me that casual sex so quickly becomes confused with long term compatibility.
    Same here. I've seen with some of my friends that are like this. I have casual sex with someone and I may like them(obviously) but that doesn't mean I want a relationship with him, especially since I already know some stuff about him which isn't so great for a bf. But they don't seem to understand that. These same women are having casual sex and expecting more out of those guys.

    I think a lot of women have trouble separating sex from identifying a guy who actually wants to be with them and vice versa. It seems that women like guys(more seriously) that want to have sex with them and do? It really doesn't make sense to me either. This is why I hide from people these days...
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    edited January 2019
    Josephine said:
    Do you think he's that clueless? 30s is not thaat young. It sounds like he has gf. Yea it's in his court now. 
    From two male opinions who received the whole rundown on this situation, yes.  They both think there likely is cluelessness. 
    That's so odd. I was asking though about your opinion and what kind of guy is he. Is he really nerdy and socially unaware of stuff? In my experience guys are pretty much the opposite. When you reach out to be only friends they think it's something else!

    Either way, I hope he comes around and gets in touch with you at some point. If not, o well!
  • tinksaysbootinksaysboo Posts: 543Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Curl Virtuoso
    Myrna said:
    ..so how would this cross a line for him, if it is unlikely that you will work on the same contract..?
    I don't see the issue.  My male friend with similar professional background says he would only hit on a girl in this kind of situation if he was 100% sure she was into him.   Even though circumstances make it so paths would never cross, because paychecks are coming from the same company, he is worried about sexual harassment allegations.  I know and hang out with this friend quite often and am personally surprised, at what I consider, his over caution.

    Josephine said:
    That's so odd. I was asking though about your opinion and what kind of guy is he. Is he really nerdy and socially unaware of stuff? In my experience guys are pretty much the opposite. When you reach out to be only friends they think it's something else!
    The opposite actually, and that's part of why I am unable to read him.  What I am reading as a sign of possible interest could very well be him just trying to professionally network.  
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  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    Where do most of us meet people, other than online?  I would say the #1 place is the workplace.  I have made friends there & have had relationships with males there.  Consider how much time you spend at work & how nice it is to have that in common.  I use to go to Happy Hour after work some days with co workers.  My bf didn't want to go with us becuz we talked so much about work.  He didn't understand what we did & wasn't interested. I can see the pit fall of the relationship not working out & still seeing each other at work.  
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    It can definitely be tricky with dating at work. I've had 2 guys (from diff companies) ask me out and told me they were interested after we stopped working together(and one was in a different city, I've only seen him once). Some will just not risk it. 

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