The Official Online Dating Diaries Thread

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  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    SL. thanks for clearing that up.  I misread the text.  This makes better sense to me now.  
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • tinksaysbootinksaysboo Posts: 543Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Curl Virtuoso
    well that's good!

    Some people are just shitty at texting, Aspergers or not!  From what it sounds,  If he really likes you, I am sure he will make a better effort if you just express some of your frustrations!  

    I know how it feels to be irritated like that, but drop it because you are just happy to be around them (oh boy do I know that feeling, too well).  Just bring it up later in the night =P

    Good luck! 
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  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,898Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    Gretchen said:


    Me: I'm outside. Just tell me if you don't want any company and i'll leave. No biggie.

    T: I've got a lot of cleaning supplies out.
    Me: OK....

    Ok, so Thing #1:  Instead of saying "Just tell me if you don't want any company and i'll leave",  consider saying "Let me know if you want company or not" so he has to give an answer.  I could see him thinking, "She said to let her know if I DON'T want company. I do want company, so I don't need to say anything."
    Haha! That's a good point! I didn't think about that. Yes, he will sometimes be super literal. (But in this case he didn't read anything after "csn i come by?" bc he immediately got in the shower.)

    Lol right the cleaning supplies....totally misses the cue to say something emotionally reassuring or socially-appropriate, like "of course i want to see you," "I'm so glad you came by," or even "let's plan our meet ups in advance so there's no more confusion."

    That's what i would like to hear! But he's a bit preoccupied w the house being clean.....he doesn't understand why it would mean more to me to address the communication issue.


  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur

    Lol right the cleaning supplies....totally misses the cue to say something emotionally reassuring or socially-appropriate, like "of course i want to see you," "I'm so glad you came by," or even "let's plan our meet ups in advance so there's no more confusion."
    Omg, yes this is so hard for me. I used to think its assumed based on my actions (hanging out, being thoughtful in other ways, making him/her priority). Now with friends and coworkers I make an extra effort to make my texts appear less flat(adding exclamation marks, smiley faces, extra adjectives, etc). I think it's silly but I understand it matters. Once someone completely overread my response and thought I was upset she asked for my friends contact info just because I only answered the question(I was at work and busy).

    I had an ex tell me I did not really care for him or love him based on the communication stuff. It was really hurtful because I loved him the most.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,898Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    Josephine said:

    Lol right the cleaning supplies....totally misses the cue to say something emotionally reassuring or socially-appropriate, like "of course i want to see you," "I'm so glad you came by," or even "let's plan our meet ups in advance so there's no more confusion."
    Omg, yes this is so hard for me. I used to think its assumed based on my actions (hanging out, being thoughtful in other ways, making him/her priority). Now with friends and coworkers I make an extra effort to make my texts appear less flat(adding exclamation marks, smiley faces, extra adjectives, etc). I think it's silly but I understand it matters. Once someone completely overread my response and thought I was upset she asked for my friends contact info just because I only answered the question(I was at work and busy).

    I had an ex tell me I did not really care for him or love him based on the communication stuff. It was really hurtful because I loved him the most.
    Every text of his has an exclamation point. Lol But flat & unemotional nonetheless.

  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Ha, but that is way better than I was before. Imagine without.
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    SL, you are the one who is dealing with him IRL.  It is up to you if you feel you can be in this kind of relationship.  Would you feel that it would be a one way relationship.  His way.  You are trying hard to understand him & how to deal with it.  If he is willing to put in the same effort, then it may work.  We know what we want in a relationship & what we don't want.  I, personally, wouldn't want to put in the effort, but that doesn't mean it is wrong that you do.  How does he interact with your children?  
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,898Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    edited December 2018
    SL, you are the one who is dealing with him IRL.  It is up to you if you feel you can be in this kind of relationship.  Would you feel that it would be a one way relationship.  His way.  You are trying hard to understand him & how to deal with it.  If he is willing to put in the same effort, then it may work.  We know what we want in a relationship & what we don't want.  I, personally, wouldn't want to put in the effort, but that doesn't mean it is wrong that you do.  How does he interact with your children?  
    Sadly, I just don't think he can change much. Most of this is out of his control. He's never going to "get it." But he's a very nice and loving person. Just not in the ways I am used to. Occasionally, he will do or say something that's a bit odd but so incredibly sweet and touching he has me in tears. 

    Yeah, I really don't know yet if we could make each other happy longterm.  :/

    Oh gosh, no, I haven't even come close to introducing him to my kids. Things are still just too shaky. And introducing him would make me get too attached. But I think he'd be fine, esp w/ my son bc they both love sports. (Their father is an engineer so.......)

  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Josephine said:
    Do you like hanging out with him? If you do, that's fine. But i guess if it gets more frequent and he's having expectations I would make it clear you just want to be friends. He obviously wants to be more than friends. I'm assuming by your post that you don't anything more than friendship? And it seems like the sexual attraction is just not there. I totally agree with you on the bad sex and figuring that out before you catch feelings. If you're only hanging out a couple times a year, I'm not sure you need to bring anything up and enjoy the moment.

    Yes and no.  He is introverted like me.  When a conversation dies, my social anxiety creeps up and I feel pressure to get the conversation going.  It's not fun.  And with him, I feel its always me keeping it going. I'm a social introvert, so its easy for me, but I don't enjoy it. I do better with guys who have bigger personalities than me.  And with him, our conversations never flow naturally to a new topic.  There is always a moment of looking at each other like "whats next".  That being said, when we have something to talk about, I do enjoy it.  A couple years ago, I did want more.  But now, I am not interested in dating casually or having a new friend with benefit. 

    I think you are right, we only hang out a couple times a year, and it's always over craft beer.  Which is a hobby of both of ours.  In fact that's how we met.  I use to co-organize a craft beer meetup group.

    Ohh yes, I hate it when I have to keep it going. I have become more social over the years so maybe now I am a social introvert but it usually requires alcohol and I'm probably not babbling too intelligently. I also prefer guys who are more interesting (conversation wise) than me. But obviously those relationships have never worked out..so maybe I need to be more open. I have stopped seeing guys if there is no good convo. I need it for even casual sex.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,898Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    edited December 2018
    So a (really cute and well put together) guy on the site contacted me. It said in his profile he is the manager of a club and owns a store. So after sending a few messages back and forth he explains he is the manager of the largest swingers club in the midwest and the owner of the sex toy store attached to the club.    :p

    He told me that most women are "scared off" my his occupation. 

    (And he asked me how I feel about dating younger men. Well, he is 5 yrs younger. Big freaking deal. I'm fine with it obviously, if responded to his reach out message. But I'm wondering if his mentioning it is a subtle mind screw?? :| )

    So I told him I don't care about the age difference and I'm not "scared off" by his job...just not sure if I could respect his choice to do that work. For those of you not familiar, couples or single women go there and have sex, on the premises, openly, with other random ppl there, or to watch others have sex. Some nights are geared toward married couples, sometimes bisexual ppl, sometimes obese ppl, whatever. BYOB and dinner is provided. Bartenders will mix your booze w soda. :D

    There was a boardie here actually with whom I actually discussed my passing curiosity in this, yrs ago. 

    I told the guy that lifestyle doesn't really align w/ my beliefs. So he keeps asking me if he can buy me a bottle of my favorite wine (why???) and take me to the club as his guest, so I can witness what goes on in person.  :o

    I'm thinking about it just for blips and giggles. Just out of curiosity, how many of you would go??? And could you date someone who worked in that environment every day of his life???

  • GretchenGretchen Administrator Posts: 10,840Moderators Curl Virtuoso
    SL, wow.  What a situation. 
    I don't think I could date someone who worked in that job.  I'd be comparing myself, etc. Don't think I would be interested in going to check it out, but I could definitely see where someone might be. 

    Gretchen
    NaturallyCurly.com co-founder
    3A

    You are beautiful!
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    SL, it wouldn't be something I would get involved in & I wouldn't get involved with someone who is.  That is just me.  I'm looking for more in a relationship then just sex.  I would like a friend, a companion, & a spark.  Sex only between us in privacy.  I was involved with a sex addict once.  I still have wounds from that relationship. 
    If you are open to this, then go for it.  You are your own woman.  I'm not here to judge you.  It all depends on what you are looking for & want in a relationship.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • tinksaysbootinksaysboo Posts: 543Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Curl Virtuoso
    In my opinion, if you are not open to it at all don't go.  Or, be crystal clear that you are going for shits and giggles. 
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  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I've been to one just to see. It was interesting and fun but we went on a very empty night so it wasn't so overwhelming. Anyhow, I don't need to go back but was always curious so its off my list. 

    I wouldn't seriously date anyone who works in the bar/club industry(although I frequent them often). And definitely not anyone who works in the sex industry(porn, swingers club, etc). 

    If you're interested in seeing it and having some convo with someone who might be entertaining for a few hours, then why not? Just because you go out with him doesn't mean it needs to be anything serious.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,898Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    edited December 2018
    Just for the record: I have NO INTENTION of trying to date this guy! :p

    I was just curious how many of you would be open to such a thing.
    Josephine said:
    I've been to one just to see. It was interesting and fun but we went on a very empty night so it wasn't so overwhelming. Anyhow, I don't need to go back but was always curious so its off my list. 

    I wouldn't seriously date anyone who works in the bar/club industry(although I frequent them often). And definitely not anyone who works in the sex industry(porn, swingers club, etc). 

    If you're interested in seeing it and having some convo with someone who might be entertaining for a few hours, then why not? Just because you go out with him doesn't mean it needs to be anything serious.
    That's what I was getting at. Do all of you consider this on the same level as a sex industry worker? And what is the general apprehension with dating someone who works in a club (sex or otherwise)? Does it suggest sex addiction? Promiscuity? Sleaziness?

    Yes, I've had a passing curiosity about that would most certainly be quelled after one (noninteractive) visit! LOL But I told a gf of mine and she said she would go with me bc she is also mildly curious.Lotsawaves said:
    SL, it wouldn't be something I would get involved in & I wouldn't get involved with someone who is.  That is just me.  I'm looking for more in a relationship then just sex.  I would like a friend, a companion, & a spark.  Sex only between us in privacy.  I was involved with a sex addict once.  I still have wounds from that relationship. 
    If you are open to this, then go for it.  You are your own woman.  I'm not here to judge you.  It all depends on what you are looking for & want in a relationship.
    So you feel someone employed in that capacity would not be capable of maintaining a normal relationship, beyond just sex? And would want you to sex him publicly at the club?

    Do you (any of you) think he has sex at the club...even tho that's where he works?

  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    SL,  He may be in this industry just for the money.  IDK.  I don't know this man.  I just know that I wouldn't get involved with someone in that industry.  I don't like porno.  I would never date a man who watched it or went to these clubs or even strip clubs.  That is me.  You are you.  I wonder if you went there just out of curiosity if he would think you would possibly be interested in that lifestyle at some point.  I hope I don't upset you, but I get confused by you.  You are a single mom looking for a relationship yet you seem to pick men who I personally feel will just add drama in your life.  
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,898Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    SL,  He may be in this industry just for the money.  IDK.  I don't know this man.  I just know that I wouldn't get involved with someone in that industry.  I don't like porno.  I would never date a man who watched it or went to these clubs or even strip clubs.  That is me.  You are you.  I wonder if you went there just out of curiosity if he would think you would possibly be interested in that lifestyle at some point.  I hope I don't upset you, but I get confused by you.  You are a single mom looking for a relationship yet you seem to pick men who I personally feel will just add drama in your life.  

    I'm totally not interested in dating him. I will never date him. I haven't picked anyone; I'm just getting to know several, pretty boring, straight-laced guys. That's all.

    Not upset...but I'm just not going to post here anymore. The discussion here at one point was fun and funny but now it's become tiresome. Best wishes to you all in your dating journey!

  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    You ask for our opinions & get upset if we don't always agree with you?  OK.  I wish you the best in your dating journey.
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • MyrnaMyrna Posts: 2,472Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I have been following this thread and not responding, after I was chewed out ..for voicing a differing opinion. I am not dating on line but I met my husband on line.  I met lots of losers, sleaze balls, liars, cheaters, etc - but my husband is none of these things.  I felt I had some POV's to offer, and am still interested in how others approach dating.  What I believe is that if one is looking for an LTR or partner, it is important to know one's values; to have a list of non negotiable attributes in what one needs.  For me, it was emotional security (honesty) - consistancy - fiscally responsible- respectful.  If one is dating around, none of this matters, of course, because then one is on line for entertainment purposes. But then, do not be surprised if you meet others who are also on line only for entertainment purposes. What I believe is that what we put our there is what we get in return - the ripple effect.  What I also believe very strongly is that common interests are not nearly as significant as common values.  Therefore, if one is wanting to find a serious partner, it makes no sense to date someone for his "potential"; for his good looks; or for a cheap thrill; or for a dinner.  In our culture we are pitifully ignorant about relationships; most relationships are based on hormones which last maximum 4 years before the attraction and hot sex fades; and because the two people had "fun" together.  To find a life partner, I believe on has to to look for a partner who shares one's values.  We can love a lot of people, and we have and we do; but it takes a lot more than love, or attraction, or "fun" together to build a life together.  This thread has had a very narrow following, and I suspect that is because for many women  here it was likely TMI.  I apologize in advance if I have offended anyone.  The above is just what I learned...the hard way.
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    Myrna, I remember when you stopped posting on this thread and why.  Glad to see you back.  
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • MyrnaMyrna Posts: 2,472Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Thank you, Lotsawaves.  As I recall, I voiced an opinion similar to the one you just posted above.  I learned a long time ago - from a supervisor - that sometimes support is "Why are you doing this to yourself?" as opposed to "Hey, that's great !" while thinking to one's self "I cant stand to watch you harm yourself".

    It was never my understanding that this thread was supposed to read like a diary of one's experiences dating, blow by blow.  That is what I mean when I say I believe it may have been TMI for others who may have been interested in participating here.  

    Before the internet, we had to rely on chance to meet someone; a fortuitous meeting over the eggplant at Whole Foods, or a friend knowing a friend of a cousin etc..The internet has changed all that, and I think that is very good.  My husband was from Canada.  But, the internet casts a wide net - sometimes frighteningly so.  While it is true that one can have an unfortunate encounter with the guy at Whole Foods, the internet allows more contact with a wider scope of partners.  One has to be very savvy, and careful.  And above all, a gal has to know what she is looking for.  And that can be difficult to figure out.
  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    Myrna, I feel it is also good to know what you don't want in a relationship.  What you can compromise on & what you can't.  There are those who go online to just date & there are those who are looking for a long term relationship.  
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • MyrnaMyrna Posts: 2,472Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I agree.  For example, I knew I did NOT want someone who drank or smoked pot, having been there and done that previously.  and yes, there are those on line to just date, and those who are looking for a relationship.  I also learned to ask up front "What kind of relationship are you looking for?" because that saved me (eventually) a lot of time and effort - and disappointment. 
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Just for the record: I have NO INTENTION of trying to date this guy! :p
    That's what I was getting at. Do all of you consider this on the same level as a sex industry worker? And what is the general apprehension with dating someone who works in a club (sex or otherwise)? Does it suggest sex addiction? Promiscuity? Sleaziness?

    Yes, I've had a passing curiosity about that would most certainly be quelled after one (noninteractive) visit! LOL But I told a gf of mine and she said she would go with me bc she is also mildly curious.Lotsawaves said:
    SL, it wouldn't be something I would get involved in & I wouldn't get involved with someone who is.  That is just me.  I'm looking for more in a relationship then just sex.  I would like a friend, a companion, & a spark.  Sex only between us in privacy.  I was involved with a sex addict once.  I still have wounds from that relationship. 
    If you are open to this, then go for it.  You are your own woman.  I'm not here to judge you.  It all depends on what you are looking for & want in a relationship.
    So you feel someone employed in that capacity would not be capable of maintaining a normal relationship, beyond just sex? And would want you to sex him publicly at the club?

    Do you (any of you) think he has sex at the club...even tho that's where he works?
    Yes, I figured you don't want to date him. My general apprehension about people who work in the bar or entertainment industry is that there is too much sexual opportunity around and I'm not that secure. Besides the fact I need to date someone with my hours(M-F 9-5) for it to work. I'm not sure if working at a swingers club is the same level as sex industry worker but in the same area. 

    I've known a couple of managers/owners of clubs and they are not sleazy at all. It's just something I don't want to deal with. I don't know if he has sex at the club, you could just ask him. I think it's 50-50. I would think he doesn't since he's the manager. I also think being in that environment and promoting it would make him more sexually open than the avg person which is also something I don't want to deal with.
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur

    Not upset...but I'm just not going to post here anymore. The discussion here at one point was fun and funny but now it's become tiresome. Best wishes to you all in your dating journey!
    Aww, please don't stop posting! I enjoy the interesting stories!! And I know you are not picking them. 
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Myrna said:
    I have been following this thread and not responding, after I was chewed out ..for voicing a differing opinion. I am not dating on line but I met my husband on line.  I met lots of losers, sleaze balls, liars, cheaters, etc - but my husband is none of these things.  I felt I had some POV's to offer, and am still interested in how others approach dating.  What I believe is that if one is looking for an LTR or partner, it is important to know one's values; to have a list of non negotiable attributes in what one needs.  For me, it was emotional security (honesty) - consistancy - fiscally responsible- respectful.  If one is dating around, none of this matters, of course, because then one is on line for entertainment purposes. But then, do not be surprised if you meet others who are also on line only for entertainment purposes. What I believe is that what we put our there is what we get in return - the ripple effect.  What I also believe very strongly is that common interests are not nearly as significant as common values.  Therefore, if one is wanting to find a serious partner, it makes no sense to date someone for his "potential"; for his good looks; or for a cheap thrill; or for a dinner.  In our culture we are pitifully ignorant about relationships; most relationships are based on hormones which last maximum 4 years before the attraction and hot sex fades; and because the two people had "fun" together.  To find a life partner, I believe on has to to look for a partner who shares one's values.  We can love a lot of people, and we have and we do; but it takes a lot more than love, or attraction, or "fun" together to build a life together.  This thread has had a very narrow following, and I suspect that is because for many women  here it was likely TMI.  I apologize in advance if I have offended anyone.  The above is just what I learned...the hard way.
    I agree with this. However, I do need similar interests(for long term relationship) and maybe that's the problem. The guys who are probably good for marriage may be boring to me or are not holding my attention. These days in my experience a lot men don't want marriage. 

    I'm dating for fun(given up on finding 'the one' at least for now) and I believe this thread was for sharing online dating experiences, whether it's casual or serious. I think both experiences can be shared here. 
  • tinksaysbootinksaysboo Posts: 543Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Curl Virtuoso
    I've only been on one date since my massive breakup two years ago.  I've had a friend with benefits for the last 5 years, who I call ghost because he just drops off the face of the planet.  I'm in love with Ghost, but I know him and I will never ever ever be an item.   After my breakup, Ghost has been safe because I don't expect anything.  Well that was silly of me because  I saw him go into a restaurant with another girl a couple months ago. He saw me once after that and I haven't heard from him since.  To be honest, it have been in a very bad place because of this.  


    I'm lonely.  I need to start dating again. But I am so scared of getting hurt. I am such a **** to anyone who event attempts to flirt with me.   I'm not good at developing feelings for  someone so dating apps have never worked for me.  I need to figure something out...
    2c/3a | low porosity | fine/medium | low/medium density| protein,coconut, and green tea sensitive | Modified CGM

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  • LotsawavesLotsawaves Posts: 9,777Registered Users Curl Virtuoso
    Tinksaysboo, I also went thru a major breakup 2 years ago.  I understand how hard it is to move on.  I want to be in a relationship, but I'm afraid to get that close again.  I, also have a FWB.  Being with him has helped me.  He is a very good friend. 
    From Michael Berg:

    Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
  • tinksaysbootinksaysboo Posts: 543Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Curl Virtuoso
    Sadly, my FWB is not really a friend.   We have hung out one time outside of the bedroom, and that was five years ago. We do get on so well though and can talk to him for hours.  I don't feel the need for anyone new when he is around and was content with once a week shags.  I thought he was helping me until recently.... 
    2c/3a | low porosity | fine/medium | low/medium density| protein,coconut, and green tea sensitive | Modified CGM

    Low-Poo:  Jessicurl Hair Cleansing Cream
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    Rinse Out Conditioner: DevalCurl One Condition
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    Curl Enhancer: Curl Junkie Spiral Lotion
    Gel: Jessicurl Spiralicious Gel
  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,408Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I suppose a have a FWB who is actually a friend. We chat almost daily and about many things. We only hook up maybe a few times a year.  I would not be able to do once a week w/out getting attached or having expectations. 

    Why do you not feel the need for anything new? Even though I'm not looking for someone serious I still enjoy hanging out with men(outside the bedroom). Although that's been hard to find too so I've sort of taken a break from that. 

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