I feel like my heart... (adult references -- maybe?)

curlcrazy25curlcrazy25 Posts: 111Registered Users
has gotten run over by a bulldozer.

Some may remember me posting a few weeks ago about how my boyfriend told me that he had been looking at porn (and lying about it), and how I got upset. Well, with the help of some good advice from you all, we were able to get through it. Just as things were really getting better, he hit me with another info-bomb. I had a question about a friend. What it eventually led to, because he just feels the need to be totally open about everything now, was listing every single girl at school he has ever fantasized about while touching himself. Awesome! Exactly what I wanted to hear while struggling to get over my insecurities of not being good enough.

I realize that a lot of what drove my frustration at my previous situation was insecurity. I made a committment to work on it. But you've gotta believe that this did not make it ANY better. Still, I more-or-less got over it and things continued to progress.

Then, even better, he tells me how this one girl, he would always imagine he was dating her instead of me -- what it would be like. Why? Because she paid attention to him, I guess. This was last year when I was extremely sick, and missed the better part of two months of school. So instead of being supportive of me, he went elsewhere. I remember so many incidences during that time where I was sad and needed someone, but he was over somewhere else talking to her. Makes sense now. It's not fair. As soon as I turn my back, get sick, or am somehow out of the picture? This. That really helps me feel like I can trust him. I wonder if we weren't abstaining from touching for religious reasons at the time, if he would have cheated on me with her. That wound is taking longer to heal. :sad8:

The grande finale: Last night he tells me that he used to have a fake account on an online dating site, which he used to play around with. I don't really know what that means, nor do I wish to find out. He made an account on a dating site while we were going out. Hence the "heart run over by a bulldozer" remark.

What do you think? Would that be the last straw for you?
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Comments

  • AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I'm not going to presume to tell you what to do. What I will advise is to read back over what you've written and imagine a good friend/sister/or one of us posting on here wrote that. What would you tell them? Then take your own advice.
  • kurlskurls Posts: 843Registered Users
    You had clear cut evidence that your bf has a bit of a porn addiction and has lied - everyone advised you on how to handle it and what to do.

    Mind you, with porn (or any addiction) comes add'l 'things' they get into...they just 'add' - add/iction - onto what they already are a slave to, and it just grows and grows from there. When it comes to porn, the visual stimulation HAS to (at some point) lead to physical stimulation - either on his own or WITH someone else!! It's inevitable, I'm sorry.

    Now you need to make a decision for yourself. All the evidence is being handed to you....
    People will always do what they want to do...no matter what you say!
  • quickcurlquickcurl Posts: 1,310Registered Users
    I know that I wouldn't be able to take it any more. I wouldn't be able to trust him and I'd look at him as being very selfish. You know that you have some insecurity issues, and he isn't making it any easier and is infact making it worse by telling you all of this. It's great that he wants to be open and honest with you, but it's almost like he's telling you this (knowing that you have insecurities) to see what will happen. That's not respectful or supportive of you and your feelings. I need to have someone in my life that will support me emotionally through the good and the bad, someone that will respect me and care about my feelings.

    You have to do what's right for you....what does your gut tell you? Do you think he's saying all of this so that he can "clean the slate" and start new with you?

    Good luck with every thing.
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  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,754Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Something tells me not to believe him… Sometimes when people are doing wrong and get caught, they’ll admit to some things but not everything, just enough to make the lies believable. For example, “I just went on the dating site and created a profile, but I didn’t actually go on any dates.” Or, “I only fantasized about her, we never did anything together.”

    The truth comes out in drips and drabs. It’s a sick game to play. Either admit to it all or not.

    And I agree with Kurls that porn only leads to even worse things. That can include actual sex/cheating, even prostitutes.

    Of course, I could be wrong and I hope I am. But what also stands out to me is when you wrote that he was not there for you when you needed him. Combined with everything else, I’d be out!
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  • MichelleBFTMichelleBFT Posts: 4,812Registered Users
    Ok, I'm going to say something that's going to sound mean, but all I can do is that my intent is NOT to be mean, but rather to be helpful and honest, and while I'm certain what I'm going to say is going to hurt your feelings, I hope that you can see my intent behind it.

    It sounds like he's using you. You're a convenience to him. You said he fantasizes about another girl because she "paid attention to him," but I wonder if he sees you as anything more than someone who pays attention to him? He may not even realize he's using you. I get the impression you're on the young side; in high school, and adolescent males aren't known for their attention spans. He may even love you, but the two of you have different values and are at different levels of commitment. He wants to fool around (a totally valid desire) but he can't because he's with you and he's looking for outlets for that desire that he views as harmless, but that ARE harmless to you.

    I would say that, at the very least, the two of you need to take some time apart - physically and emotionally - and if you're both still hung up on each other in six months, give it another shot.

    It sucks that you're going through this, but it frequently comes with being a teenager. Thing about this time of your life, it's hard to live through, but it'll teach you a lot about what you want out of future relationships.

    ETA, I disagree with the idea that porn in and of itself is a bad thing. I do, however, think the dating website is a big red flag, the not-being-around-when-you-needed-him is a huge red flag, and the lying about all of it is a giant red banner.
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  • AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Phoenix wrote: »
    Something tells me not to believe him… Sometimes when people are doing wrong and get caught, they’ll admit to some things but not everything, just enough to make the lies believable. For example, “I just went on the dating site and created a profile, but I didn’t actually go on any dates.” Or, “I only fantasized about her, we never did anything together.”

    The truth comes out in drips and drabs. It’s a sick game to play. Either admit to it all or not.

    And I agree with Kurls that porn only leads to even worse things. That can include actual sex/cheating, even prostitutes.

    Of course, I could be wrong and I hope I am. But what also stands out to me is when you wrote that he was not there for you when you needed him. Combined with everything else, I’d be out!

    ITA. He's not being very sensitive either. You may be a little insecure, but he's definitely not helping the situation.
  • BohemianRenegadeBohemianRenegade Posts: 1,078Registered Users
    dp
    Trying to find some sanity as I work on my master's in nursing...
  • BohemianRenegadeBohemianRenegade Posts: 1,078Registered Users
    I wouldn't put up with that crap. As much as it will hurt you now, you should break up with him. You'll get over it and move on, rather than continually dragging yourself through this pain.
    Trying to find some sanity as I work on my master's in nursing...
  • MunchyMunchy Posts: 5,206Registered Users Curl Novice
    I wouldn't put up with that crap. As much as it will hurt you now, you should break up with him. You'll get over it and move on, rather than continually dragging yourself through this pain.

    ITA. It's only worse later. Believe me.
  • geminigemini Posts: 3,325Registered Users
    I would cut my losses.
  • ninja dogninja dog Posts: 23,780Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I think he's actually being rather sadistic in telling you all this other stuff. Who knows why? Anyway, I would bail. Save yourself, sweetie.
  • wild~hairwild~hair Posts: 9,890Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Last straw? For me the "last straw" would've been somewhere in your first paragraph.

    Run, don't walk.
  • yagottaloveyacurlsyagottaloveyacurls Posts: 5,766Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I think you need to move on with your life. now.
    It doesn't sound as if he is in the same place as you, and it is not going to work. What he does has no bearing on you as a woman. Ok? Don't let this FEED your insecurity. He could be with ANYONE and still do this stuff. It's an addiction... it has NOTHING to do with YOU. You need to understand that.

    If you were both older, and married... I would say to try to work through this and get each other through it. But I just don't think you are at that place where you CAN do that. I think it would be far healthier for you AND him if you were to just part ways. (granted, I don't know either of you, but from what I've read here and on the "sex before marriage" thread... I really think this would be the healthiest thing. Just my opinion from the info I have.)

    Good luck to you... I'm so sorry you're going through this. (((((( hugs )))))))) Sending you lots of love and positive vibes.
  • HoneycurlsHoneycurls Posts: 1,889Registered Users
    I'm not going to presume to tell you what to do. What I will advise is to read back over what you've written and imagine a good friend/sister/or one of us posting on here wrote that. What would you tell them? Then take your own advice.
    Awesome advice! Too many people (including me) like to interject their "I think you should..." or "I would..." which, when 500 people respond, can be overwhelming to the OP and is the source of many, many unnecessary fights here. I think the OP should stop reading right there. <<<===See, I just did it right there!

    Though, I do love wild-hair's response!
    OK, I admit it.....I'm an alias! I wasn't born with the name Honeycurls!
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  • yagottaloveyacurlsyagottaloveyacurls Posts: 5,766Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Honeycurls wrote: »
    I'm not going to presume to tell you what to do. What I will advise is to read back over what you've written and imagine a good friend/sister/or one of us posting on here wrote that. What would you tell them? Then take your own advice.
    Awesome advice! Too many people (including me) like to interject their "I think you should..." or "I would..." which, when 500 people respond, can be overwhelming to the OP and is the source of many, many unnecessary fights here. I think the OP should stop reading right there. <<<===See, I just did it right there!

    Even though, I gave my advice based on the info that I have... I agree with this. No-one here can really tell you WHAT to do. You have to look within yourself and find the answer.

    But I don't think it hurts to see what other's advice might be. Because it can push you to find your own true feelings and inner "stuff" that pushes you in YOUR right direction. When folks ask for advice, I like to think that they know to take the advice with a grain of salt.
  • Jess2316Jess2316 Posts: 617Registered Users
    wild~hair wrote: »
    Last straw? For me the "last straw" would've been somewhere in your first paragraph.

    Run, don't walk.

    Yes...I totally agree with this. No one deserves that crap from someone who is supposed to care for them.
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  • The New BlackThe New Black Posts: 16,754Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    wild~hair wrote: »
    Last straw? For me the "last straw" would've been somewhere in your first paragraph.

    Run, don't walk.

    Great answer!
    montage-3.gif No MAS.

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  • puffinpuffin Posts: 205Registered Users
    I think he wants you to break up with him. Some people would rather be a jerk and get dumped instead of doing the dumping. Can he really expect you to stay with him after he told you all that stuff?? It sounds like he has no respect for you at all. If I were you, I would end it NOW.
  • cymprenicympreni Posts: 9,609Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I would be done. There's an old joke. "The key to a successful marriage is honesty: it must be avoided at all costs." IMO the complete list of every girl he's ever fantasized about falls under that category. And doing so while he knows your are feeling so insecure, is just cruel.

    And as far as him not being there when you need him. Don't put up with that ever. from anyone. within reason of course.
  • curlinicatorcurlinicator Posts: 911Registered Users
    0
  • lapushkalapushka Posts: 601Registered Users
    Sounds like he can't commit, or he's deliberately playing with your emotions. In any case, I agree with what's been posted: run!

    It would have been the last straw for me from day one!
  • LAwomanLAwoman Posts: 2,949Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Last straw? For me the "last straw" would've been somewhere in your first paragraph.

    Run, don't walk.

    Yes, this, 100x over.

    I didn't see your original post, and I"m not sure how old you guys are, but your BF sounds like an immature cad with a whole host of issues.

    Get out NOW before he drags you down further!
  • automaticflowersautomaticflowers Posts: 3,465Registered Users
    I'm sorry, curlylove. I admit that when I first read your post I wondered if he was suddenly being "honest" about these things so you would dump him.

    Either way, if I were in your position I'd move on. You don't need to put up with this from anybody. The dating site thing would do me in.

    And definitely remember this, because it's spot-on:
    What he does has no bearing on you as a woman. Ok? Don't let this FEED your insecurity. He could be with ANYONE and still do this stuff. It's an addiction... it has NOTHING to do with YOU.
  • LoloDSMLoloDSM Posts: 3,778Registered Users
    I'm sorry, curlylove. This must hurt. I have a couple thoughts: either your BF is a complete moron who is missing a sensitivity filter or he is intentionally trying to hurt you (for sport? to get you to break up with him? because he can?).

    You don't say how old you are or how experienced you are with dating, but you sound young. IMO love shouldn't hurt or make you feel bad about yourself. The person you're with should make you feel loved, comfortable, and secure. It took me a LONG time and I had to date a lot of guys like you're describing to realize this. You. Deserve. Better. You two aren't married. You don't owe him a shot to work things out. It shouldn't be this hard so early in the relationship.

    Do what you think is best, but you deserve someone who thinks YOU are worth fantasizing about (or at least has the good sense not to tell you he thinks about your friends that way - what a moron).

    Sorry for the novel. ((HUGS))
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  • eche428eche428 Posts: 2,782Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    LoloDSM wrote: »
    I'm sorry, curlylove. This must hurt. I have a couple thoughts: either your BF is a complete moron who is missing a sensitivity filter or he is intentionally trying to hurt you (for sport? to get you to break up with him? because he can?).

    You don't say how old you are or how experienced you are with dating, but you sound young. IMO love shouldn't hurt or make you feel bad about yourself. The person you're with should make you feel loved, comfortable, and secure. It took me a LONG time and I had to date a lot of guys like you're describing to realize this. You. Deserve. Better. You two aren't married. You don't owe him a shot to work things out. It shouldn't be this hard so early in the relationship.

    Do what you think is best, but you deserve someone who thinks YOU are worth fantasizing about (or at least has the good sense not to tell you he thinks about your friends that way - what a moron).

    Sorry for the novel. ((HUGS))

    Lola, that was so well said. ITA!
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  • g-stringrannyg-stringranny Posts: 2,701Registered Users
    I think staying with him makes you appear insecure. A secure woman wouldn't put up with this crap.
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  • SuburbanbushbabeSuburbanbushbabe Posts: 15,402Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    ninja dog wrote: »
    I think he's actually being rather sadistic in telling you all this other stuff. Who knows why? Anyway, I would bail. Save yourself, sweetie.
    ITA. I was thinking passively cruel. I'm wondering why. he has to know this sort of stuff creates distance; perhaps that is what he is trying to do, while asserting his sexuality. I recall from your previous post the he caved in to your requiresments and your demands. This could be the backlash.

    The suggestion to read your post as if you were reading someone else's is a very good one.
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  • g-stringrannyg-stringranny Posts: 2,701Registered Users
    Some men will make a woman feel insecure that they really "have him." This keeps the woman there trying even harder to keep him. It's a head game. It will work for awhile, but the woman usually loses interest after awhile. It's just a waste of time on a jerk. Trust me I know. Please, please, please get rid of this jerk. You will dump him in time, but trust me it will be better to do it now.
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  • RheannaRheanna Posts: 2,614Registered Users
    I agree with everyone else. I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how much that hurts.

    Three years ago, when I was married to my now ex-husband, he informed me that he wanted to date other people. Of course, I was like, "ummmmm, yeah, we're married. Not sure if you realized that?" He only said something like that once and of course he later tried to justify it, saying that he really meant that he wished we had "sowed our wild oats" before marrying young. It always bothered me, still does when I think about it, because I always, always, always suspected he wanted to be like his little brother, who basically hangs out, drinks, and sleeps with random women (last I knew, his "number" was 90-something and he's not yet 22 and has had a girlfriend for 3 years that he cheats on constantly).

    In arguments, I would sometimes accuse my ex of wanting to be like him. He acted like I was nuts. Within a few weeks of our separation, he was acting exactly like him. My point is that people don't say things like what your boyfriend has said to you for no reason. ITA with the person that said the truth comes out a bit at a time. And just like someone said on a recent thread (not sure who, sorry!): "when people show you who they are, believe it." And yes, he's being cruel.

    There's no way I could put up with this stuff. Love should make you feel secure and happy, not distrustful and insecure. You deserve better. And his behavior has NOTHING at all to do with you. It is his problem and not yours. Be glad he showed you now.

    Big (((((((((HUGS)))))))) to you!
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  • SleighSleigh Posts: 1,226Registered Users
    whoa whoa is this the boyfriend you haven't kissed and are trying to connect to spiritually?!

    ok, he's trying to guilt you into sex. messing with you.

    he's not opening up to you. he's not being honest with you.

    he's trying to get you to sleep with him.

    booooooo (my mature response)
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