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So, my daughter wants to meet me. (with wedding pics 5/7/11

redcelticcurlsredcelticcurls Posts: 17,502Registered Users Curl Neophyte
in Non-hair discussion
I've brought it up before, but just to fill in for those who don't know -

I had a child in high school when I was 17 and put her up for adoption. She is now 21.

So, now to current events in that regard.

Her father (adoptive, not birth) called my Dad and said that she want to meet me. My Dad called me and we talked, and now my daughter has my phone number.

I'm nervous and excited and God knows what all else. I'd love to meet her and see how her life is, but I don't want to butt in or to try and take on a mother role. She already has a mother.
Kiva! Microfinance works.

Med/Coarse, porous curly.
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Comments

  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users Curl Neophyte
    I can understand your situation.
    (((hugs)))
    Let her lead...
    0004.gif

    Ever since the sports thread wars I have sensed a special connection between [edit] & Wile. Like the connection oil has to water. I almost can't speak of it. Wait....my eyes are misting. ~asq
    Let’s just stay together and tell the world to kiss our ass. ~P


  • redcelticcurlsredcelticcurls Posts: 17,502Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    WileECoyote - Daddy's grl wrote: »
    I can understand your situation.
    (((hugs)))
    Let her lead...


    Thanks!

    Yes, I do intend to let her lead on this.
    Kiva! Microfinance works.

    Med/Coarse, porous curly.
  • selfcurledgirlselfcurledgirl Posts: 516Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I can just relay my experience and hope it is of use. We adopted our daughter in Romania at birth and her birth mom was 17. Last summer we located her in Romania after losing contact with her. My daughter is now 17. She always wanted to meet her. Well, we traveled to Romania and they met twice. We even stayed over at her house with her husband and son. After this experience, my daughter does not initiate contact with her. I write to her and she texts my daughter sometimes. She only speaks Romanian so it is hard. I hired a translator to translate her and my letters. It seems, my daughter just wanted to actually see her and know who she is but she never talks about her and shows no desire to reconnect. The bm wants to maintain contact and I don't mind writing. Perhaps your daughter too just is curious and wants to see you. That is understandable I think. Good luck.
    Hair type, thin, 3b, past my shoulders always looking for length. Use jessicurl hair cleansing cream, devacurl one c, angel, set it free, Always see a deva trained stylist for cut and Aveda Institute for color.
  • redcelticcurlsredcelticcurls Posts: 17,502Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Thank you selfcurledgirl, it is always good to hear first hand experiences.

    I feel that I can deal if she just wants to meet once. I'm sure she must have questions. The harder part, to me, is deciding what type of contact afterwards. I just would feel weird trying to jump into her life after so long. Heck, I guess I just to make it to that first meeting and she how it goes.

    All I know so far is that she wants me and my parents to meet with her and her parents at a restaurant local to her. That is fine, and she should at least feel safer having her parents with her.
    Kiva! Microfinance works.

    Med/Coarse, porous curly.
  • LilahLilah Posts: 916Registered Users
    I can't relate to your situation at all, but I'm sending you lots of good vibes.

    As you said, she already has a mother-figure, but everyone can use another role model or someone to confide in.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • love yourself firstlove yourself first Posts: 5,398Registered Users
    Lilah wrote: »
    I can't relate to your situation at all, but I'm sending you lots of good vibes.

    As you said, she already has a mother-figure, but everyone can use another role model or someone to confide in.

    I absolutely agree with this post.

    Also, I want to say that it sounds really exciting for you to meet her and I hope it is an enjoyable experience for both of you. Thanks for sharing news of it with us.
    "Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."
    "I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then we live with that decision."
    - Eleanor Roosevelt (both quotes)

    (taking a break from posting starting late august 2009)
  • internetchickinternetchick Posts: 6,191Registered Users
    Best of luck to you. (((hugs)))
  • cymprenicympreni Posts: 9,609Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I wanted to send some good vibes your way as well.

    I can't really relate as I've always known my birth mom. I don't even know how to describe my relationship to her. It's a unique blend of family and friendship. Although lately it's been leading itself more to family, as I have cut off contact with my adopted family. It's a slow process but it feels right for both to us.

    I hope you too can find just the right spot with her as well.
  • mayimmayim Posts: 2,301Registered Users
    i am so excited for you, rcc. i too am a birth mom; my son just turned 14 yesterday.


    we have a semi-open adoption, and his folks asked me a few years ago whether i'd be open to the idea of meeting him, so they'd know what to tell him if he ever asked. i hope we get the chance someday. i'd be just as nervous as you are right now!

    i agree with the advice to let her lead. you guys will be just fine.

    (i have tears in my eyes right now).

    m
    coarse, thick 3a
    modified cg


    weight.png



  • redcelticcurlsredcelticcurls Posts: 17,502Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Thank you everyone! The support means a lot. I get misty eyed reading the responses.

    I had been hoping to meet her, but really didn't expect to hear from her so soon. I guess I just thought that if she didn't try at 18, she'd wait until a lot older.

    I am glad that her parents will be there, and also mine. I think it'll help with awkward moments, and she'll have support with her.

    Interestingly my father and her father had a working relationship together before my Dad retired. Her father ended up working with a handful of my relatives, so it's sort of odd. Her father is now seeing mannerisms in his daughter that he attributes to family members of mine that he knows. Well, that's what happens when growing up in a not-so-large town in West Virginia. Six degrees of separation indeed. Of course, this is all related by what my dad just told me as he just got off of the phone with her dad.
    Kiva! Microfinance works.

    Med/Coarse, porous curly.
  • mrspoppersmrspoppers Posts: 7,223Registered Users Curl Novice
    Good luck to you! I think it's great that her parents and yours will be there too.
    When are women going to face the fact that they don’t know their own bodies as well as men who have heard things?

    Don Langrick
    Bonsai Culturist
  • 2poodles2poodles Posts: 2,485Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Good luck, RCC. I would think that if you're open to her questions and honest about how you're feeling now - and let her lead, as another person said, it should all work out. How scary, nerve-wracking and exciting! I'll be thinking about you all....
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]2Poodles :flower: Southeast PA
    fine, med porosity, normal elasticity
    Currently using the following 2 - 3 x/week:
    Living Proof Perfect Hair Day suphate-free Poo, cone-free CO and styling treatment, plus KCCC

  • CaleilaniCaleilani Posts: 728Registered Users
    Good Luck and hope everything turns out well!
    3B-3C, alittle past tailbone length,age:41 years
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,259Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I would think the presence of both your parents at the first meeting would make it more awkward between you two, but that's her preference, so I guess you have to go with it. I think it's a good idea to let her lead the relationship. Best wishes to you as you meet her and get to know her. I wish you both peace and happiness together.
  • Riot CrrlRiot Crrl Posts: 3,135Registered Users
    I have no related experience, but I wanted to wish good luck to you and your family.
  • iris427iris427 Posts: 6,002Registered Users
    Wow, good luck! ((hugs))
    3027585431_55b6195e50_s.jpg3028374752_0df4d81a1b_s.jpg3028422696_8dcef38baa_s.jpg
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  • texascurlytexascurly Posts: 1,967Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I can only imagine all the different emotions you must be feeling all at the same time. Best wishes to you and your family.
  • YolyCYolyC Posts: 3,758Registered Users
    Good Luck! I hope it all goes well.
    Location: Chicago

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything."
    — Malcolm X
  • SuburbanbushbabeSuburbanbushbabe Posts: 15,402Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    That's a tough one. {{hugs}} You're right, just get to the first meeting. This is a once in lifetime opportunity.
    My blog - http://suburbanbushbabe.wordpress.com/
    My FOTKI - http://whatsnew.fotki.com/suburbanbushbabe/
    comic-p.jpg

    Playing with my hair is a hobby. Fluffy, fine natural 4a. Goal= Healthy, beautiful hair that retains its length.
    Hear that crash? It's me falling off the CG wagon.
  • ninja dogninja dog Posts: 23,780Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Yes to what everyone else said!

    I think you're brave.
  • CarrollCarroll Posts: 224Registered Users
    I myself am adopted & met my birth mother a few years ago.....it was so surreal for me to finally meet the woman that gave birth to me.

    Good luck & I hope everything goes well......it is truly a life changing experience!!!!!!!:)
    Say what you mean and mean what you say.
  • wild_sasparillawild_sasparilla Posts: 4,306Registered Users
    ninja dog wrote: »
    Yes to what everyone else said!

    I think you're brave.

    ITA.
    OMG, LOOK!!

    ...It's a siggie. :shock:
  • medussamedussa Posts: 12,993Registered Users
    What an amazing gift. I hope the meeting goes well.
  • LoloDSMLoloDSM Posts: 3,778Registered Users
    Wow! I am happy and excited for you. I cannot imagine what you must be feeling right now. I hope the meeting goes well and that it is a positive experience for everyone. Best wishes!
    Loose botticelli curls and waves
    No silicones/no sulfates since March 2008
  • misfitcurlsmisfitcurls Posts: 736Registered Users Curl Novice
    everyone has alread given good advice but can i just say i had to read it twice and do the math a few times to come to this conclusion

    you are no way the age that the math adds up to!

    seriously you are way way younger loooking than your age!
    i thought you were my age (or younger and i am 25!)

    rock on with your hot self!
    HENNA HEAD
    3B just past BSL in back (when curly)
    CG since 3/08
    HG's:biolage condtioning balm and kpak (both the generic value versions)
    overnight plop with a flour sack the strutt way
    honey after leave-in
    satin sleep cap & shea butter for day 2 hair
    USING:KCKT&KCCC(its my HG :))
    ALSO LOVE:jessicurl aloeba leave-in, rr, ccss
    http://public.fotki.com/misfitcurls/
    by: Riot Crrl!
    I think you could walk around with words and stick people drawn on your face and still look supercute.
  • CurlyCanadianCurlyCanadian Posts: 10,904Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Curl Connoisseur
    Wow! I'm so excited/nervous/giddy for you, I couldn't even imagine what you're going through!

    I agree with the others that think its a great idea to have everyone there. It should keep the awkward moments to a minimum, especially with the Dads knowing each other already. Plus, you two can always go for a walk if you want some alone time together!
    I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.
    Audrey Hepburn
  • KeeweeKeewee Posts: 1,376Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Wow that is great!!! I wish you luck..Don't you have other children..
    3A some 3b Total Product Junkie
    P/Wmarissa
    http://public.fotki.com/Keewee
  • redcelticcurlsredcelticcurls Posts: 17,502Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Keewee wrote: »
    Wow that is great!!! I wish you luck..Don't you have other children..

    No. I prefer being the Aunt to being Mom.

    It has been great to see suck support here. Thanks ladies!
    Kiva! Microfinance works.

    Med/Coarse, porous curly.
  • merynmeryn Posts: 1,807Registered Users Curl Novice
    I'm an adoptee. I looked my mom up at about 24, fifteen years ago. It was a wonderful reunion, then had a several year gap and reconnected. At this point we talk on the phone, travel together, trade books, email silly ideas, etc. We're more like girlfriends than mother/daughter, we're only 14 years apart in age. That hasn't changed even with my adopted mother's death a year and a half ago. Renée (bio mom) actually spoke at my mother's funeral, and was an incredible support, as she had lost her own mother (my grandmother) just a few years earlier.

    I don't know the situation, but I can say with confidence, your daughter isn't looking for a replacement mom, aunt, or even extended family. She's searching her roots to define herself in this very pivotol part of her life. Mom and Dad will always be Mom and Dad, but seeing your eyes, your hair, your body type, your mannerisms, etc... that familiarity is very powerful. It's comforting to know you weren't hatched out of an egg.

    You gave her an incredible gift. Two, in fact. Life, and a fighting chance to thrive.

    Good luck and good thoughts being sent your way for the reunion!
  • CarrollCarroll Posts: 224Registered Users
    meryn wrote: »
    I don't know the situation, but I can say with confidence, your daughter isn't looking for a replacement mom, aunt, or even extended family. She's searching her roots to define herself in this very pivotol part of her life. Mom and Dad will always be Mom and Dad, but seeing your eyes, your hair, your body type, your mannerisms, etc... that familiarity is very powerful. It's comforting to know you weren't hatched out of an egg.

    You gave her an incredible gift. Two, in fact. Life, and a fighting chance to thrive.

    Good luck and good thoughts being sent your way for the reunion!

    YES EXACTLY!!! Thanks Meryn.....you put into words exactly how I felt/feel. :)
    Say what you mean and mean what you say.
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