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Need some support here :(..please.

KindredGhost1983KindredGhost1983 Posts: 1,187Registered Users
In the past two months, my dad met another woman. She is very very lovely. They seem happy together. Last night, he confided in me that he has asked her to marry him. This summer he plans to move up north with her. And he is leaving me to take care of my little sister, who is developmentally disabled. Not that I have a problem with that, she is my world. Things can get taxing and stressful at times, but she is worth it. I need to be close to family at this time and can not imagine being without her once my dad leaves.

PLEASE READ: I am not judging my dad. After seeing the state he was in after mom died, I wanted him to see him smiling again. And I have not said anything to persuade him otherwise. When he told me, I simply nodded my head in agreement. I have, and will continue to, bite my tongue over this issue. He is a grown man. I am an adult as well. So I understand I have no business trying to deter him from having another chance at happiness

Here is where my problem lies. I can not shake this empty, awful, feeling of grief over it. I want to be able to snap my fingers and make them disappear. I smile at him, my friends, my coworkers, but behind closed doors I can not stop the tears from coming. A part of me feels like I'm being abandoned, forgotten, etc. Another part of me is envious over the fact that he can replace his dead wife and that I can never replace my mom. I don't want to feel this way! I want to be happy, truly and genuinely happy for him and his new fiance!! I'm supposed to right? So why can't I be??
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Comments

  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,059 Administrator
    I'm sorry, Kindred. But your feelings sound normal to me, given the experience. Very hard to go through but normal.

    Maybe talking to your dad would actually help, rather than diminish his happiness?

    But marriage after two months sounds quick...I'm just sayin.

    Have you talked to a grief counselor?

    Sending up a prayer now...
  • CurlyCanadianCurlyCanadian Posts: 10,771Registered Users Curl Dabbler
    Oh sweetie :(

    No advice, but I want to give you a big hug....my heart is breaking for you ((((HUGS))))
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  • leenieleenie Posts: 194Registered Users
    I think you should talk to your Dad. Yes, it's great he's happy, but you should be able to do what makes you happy too.

    I don't know your background, but my first thought was that it shouldn't be all on you to look after your sister.
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  • internetchickinternetchick Posts: 6,191Registered Users
    leenie wrote: »
    I think you should talk to your Dad. Yes, it's great he's happy, but you should be able to do what makes you happy too.

    I don't know your background, but my first thought was that it shouldn't be all on you to look after your sister.
    I agree.
  • CaleilaniCaleilani Posts: 728Registered Users
    KindredSpirit I'm so sorry you're going through this.My BFF lost her mom to cancer back in 1998 and her dad just passed away October 2007.Her father started dating after her mom died,and she didn't like a bit until he got with one woman who she liked.I don't know but I've found in my family that men can just go ahead and get or marry another woman fast,whereas the women in my family who have lost their husbands stay single and mostly I can't remember the word but I'm going to say sex-free.You're still grieving over the lost of your mom and that's natural.We're all here for you.
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  • YolyCYolyC Posts: 3,758Registered Users
    I don't know what to say just wanted to send you {{{hugs}}}
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  • Rebecca deWinterRebecca deWinter Posts: 2,254Registered Users
    kindred, i'm sorry i don't have any advice to give. just wanted to offer up a *HUG*. i'm so sorry you're having such awful feelings, gal. like others have said, maybe talking with your dad or a counselor will help. i hope so. take care.
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  • CurliLocksCurliLocks Posts: 10,571Registered Users
    How old are you? Are you legally old enough to care for your sister then? I also don't think he should just up and leave you with her care. And 2 months seems awfully short to be jumping into marriage.

    As far as your feelings, they are completely normal. I"m going to spill my guts here: I have had similar feelings about my dad and his lady. He doesn't plan to marry her (they both agree it's better, she has pensions from deceased husband, etc). But I see him taking her here and there, going all over the country and other countries, spending so much money on things like that with her. And it makes me a little bitter. He never did any of that with mom, when she was alive. Granted, he has more time since he's retired, and more money since he's alone, but still. There were things that they could have afforded and done together.

    But then, maybe he's realized what he lost, and has decided not to lose out a second time around. I can't fault him for that, and I am happy that he is happy. But I still have those feelings sometimes.

    So I know where you are coming from. (((BIG HUGS))) to you, and I will pray that you can come to terms with it all. PM me if you want to chat about it more. :)
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  • texascurlytexascurly Posts: 1,967Registered Users
    Kindred, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine how difficult this must be. You will be in my prayers.
  • journotravelerjournotraveler Posts: 2,816Registered Users
    leenie wrote: »
    I think you should talk to your Dad. Yes, it's great he's happy, but you should be able to do what makes you happy too.

    I don't know your background, but my first thought was that it shouldn't be all on you to look after your sister.
    I agree.

    i agree as well.

    sending you a hug and lots of positive thoughts.
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  • CurlyinColoradoCurlyinColorado Posts: 3,093Registered Users
    You feelings are your feelings and they're normal. Of course, you're going to miss your dad when he moves and of course you going to resent this woman a little. Does that make the pain go away, no, time will help.

    I'll send up thoughts and prayers that you can move past this on to greener, sunnier pastures, with rainbows and puppies. (((hugs)))
    2b/3a.
  • badgercurlsbadgercurls Posts: 3,077Registered Users
    Kindred, as others said, it sounds like your feelings are very normal and valid. You've been through so much. I agree that counseling with someone who understands grief would be helpful - it may help you come to terms with your feelings. I also think that counseling is so helpful because it helps you realize that you're not alone.

    My 20-year-old sister is also developmentally disabled, and if anything happened to my parents, my older sister, her husband, and I would take over the responsibility of taking care of her. I adore my sister, but I do not think I could do it alone, particularly as a 25-year-old. (I think you're close to my age - maybe a bit younger.) I don't understand the dynamics of your family because I am not part of it, but it seems unfair for your father to leave the responsibility of caring for your sister on you alone. It just seems really unfair that he gets to start this wonderful new life while you are left to care for your sister. I can identify with how you feel about your sister, but it's such a huge responsibility that really should not fall on one person unless that's the only resort.
  • SuburbanbushbabeSuburbanbushbabe Posts: 15,402Registered Users
    I smile at him, my friends, my coworkers, but behind closed doors I can not stop the tears from coming. A part of me feels like I'm being abandoned, forgotten, etc. Another part of me is envious over the fact that he can replace his dead wife and that I can never replace my mom.

    I hope you can say this to your father at some point. It's very clear and very valid to feel that as well as being happy.
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  • cyndicyndi Posts: 3,341Registered Users
    I'm so sorry. I hope you can express your feelings to him.
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  • starinastarina Posts: 665Registered Users
    Your feelings are a natural reaction to a stressful change in your life. If I may say so, I think your father is being a little selfish. I understand how his happiness is blinding him to your feelings, but there is the very real issue of your sister. The decisions that are made now could be lasting. I really think that you should sit down with him and have a frank discussion about the future. People have a way of forgetting things once they are far away from the problem. I really think it's important to try to have a discussion with him now before he's gone.

    I totally understand your feelings of grief and I hope you find the strength to work through it. Good luck kindred!
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  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users
    (((hugs)))
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  • g-stringrannyg-stringranny Posts: 2,701Registered Users
    I'm so sorry you are going thru this. How long has your Mom been gone? I think I would feel like I was being abandoned & that my sister was also. It sounds like your Dad wants to start over again & doesn't want the burden of his family. I feel he is being selfish. You're a wonderful sister. ((HUGS))
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  • JosephineJosephine Posts: 14,175Registered Users
    leenie wrote: »
    I think you should talk to your Dad. Yes, it's great he's happy, but you should be able to do what makes you happy too.

    I don't know your background, but my first thought was that it shouldn't be all on you to look after your sister.

    I agree.
  • ninja dogninja dog Posts: 23,780Registered Users
    Kindred, my father remarried six months after losing my mother, and it was not a success. I was too young at the time to have anything to say about it. I don't know if you feel able to address his hurriedness, but it might help him, too.

    As to feeling that he can get another wife, but you can't get another mother, a lot of us who've lost a mother feel that way. Hope Edelman has a few books about it.

    You're in my thoughts.:angel8:
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users
    And he is leaving me to take care of my little sister, who is developmentally disabled.


    Well...you may not be judging him, but I am. He is leaving you to care for HIS disabled daughter?!?!?!? That is just wrong. Just wrong. You deserve a chance to get your life started without the huge burden and responsiblity of caring for someone who can't care for themselves. I'm sorry your dad has on-going responsibilities for his daughter (and you), but that is his lot in life, and, from what you are saying here, he is abandoning his responsibilities. I just hope he comes to his senses before he does some real damage to you and your sister.
  • KindredGhost1983KindredGhost1983 Posts: 1,187Registered Users
    First let me thank everyone for their supportive posts. I teared up reading some of them. I do share some personal things on this site, probably because I have some degree of anonymity as does everyone else but am still interacting with real people. So this does help me a lot

    A part of me feels that I have no right to my feelings because I'm an adult (25), though I still live at home primarily to help out with Jillian and household chores. I guess it seems different when one is in their teens or childhood, and it seems to be more fair to consider their feelings. But once you hit adulthood, all sympathy and consideration for how you'll fare emotionally seems to go out the window. We are expected to suck it up and fend for ourselves.

    To address the issue of my sister, I honestly don't mind. I think I'd go crazy with loniliness if I didn't have her once my dad leaves. She'll be all I have left of my mom that is local, because my other sisters live over 400 miles away. I seriously and truly need to be close to family. I was overseas when my mom went into cardiac arrest, planning to be in England for 3 months by myself as an au pair. Now I can't imagine living somewhere without a family member nearby. I've considered relocating to the city he plans to move (with my sister) just to be by him. Not to butt in his 'new life,' but just to be a near distance.
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  • badgercurlsbadgercurls Posts: 3,077Registered Users
    I've considered relocating to the city he plans to move (with my sister) just to be by him. Not to butt in his 'new life,' but just to be a near distance.

    I think this sounds like a good idea if you do not mind relocating. Please don't feel like you'd be butting in on his "new life." You (and your sister) are a HUGE part of his life and will always be. Just because he is in a new relationship, it does not mean he wishes to put his family behind him. You have been his daughter for 25 years, and I doubt he wants to start a new life in which you are absent. Have you talked to him about how you feel about being close to family? From other things you have posted here, I think you are pretty close to your father, so he may be feeling the same way and want you and your sister close to him, too.
  • criscatcriscat Posts: 355Registered Users
    I've considered relocating to the city he plans to move (with my sister) just to be by him. Not to butt in his 'new life,' but just to be a near distance.

    Hi,

    I'm sorry you are going through such difficult times, and wish you better soon.

    But if someone is moving, it should be your father and his new wife. It is his responsibility to care for your sister, in the absence of your mother. Not yours. It is noble of you to help out and care for her. But, the duty is HIS. And, his new wife, should be willing to help him out.
    The way you put it, seems your father is "running away" to a new life, and counting on you to help him.
    This is terribly wrong, don't let him get away with it.
  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,059 Administrator
    If you do decide to move to be nearer to him, I don't think you'll be able to bite your tongue anymore. You'll have to talk to him about what you're feeling - and rather candidly, I'd say.

    In addition, is there the possibility that your dad needs to relocate not just to be with his fiancee but also to help him grieve. I've only lost one person close to me and it wasn't a spouse but I can imagine losing a wife could drive you mad with grief and at some point a change of scenery would help you clear your head.
  • criscatcriscat Posts: 355Registered Users
    II don't want to feel this way! I want to be happy, truly and genuinely happy for him and his new fiance!! I'm supposed to right? So why can't I be??

    Because he didn't include you and your sister in his new life project?
  • g-stringrannyg-stringranny Posts: 2,701Registered Users
    It sounds like you are the responsible one considering moving closer to keep the family connected. He doesn't seem to care less. You need to stay where you are happy. There is no guarantee that if you move closer that he will be in your lives. Looks to me like he is moving on & leaving you with the responsiblities. Be honest with him about your feelings & look at his reaction to it. This will tell you who he is really thinking of.
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  • CostenyaCostenya Posts: 520Registered Users
    First of all, I think it is VERY commendable of you to choose to take on care for your sister by yourself. It shows you have a genuinely kind heart!

    But, please don't do anything that will cause you regret, bitterness and resentment 10 or 20 years down the road. You may appear content with taking care of your sister now, but based on your posts it seems like you are repressing some of your hurt (and possibly resentment), because you feel it is wrong or you won't be the good daughter anymore.

    You very young. And you have previously expressed a desire to settle down and have a family. This shouldn't change. If you have a father and two sisters, then there is no reason why you should carry the burden of taken care of your father's child--which HE brought into the world--alone. Your sister is your father's responsibility first, and it would be great if your other siblings contributed also. Just don't try doing this alone.

    Are you getting any support for your sister from any agencies? Is she part of a respite program? I remember you saying that you lived in the Chicago area. I used to work for a non-profit agency that provided excellent care for people with developmental disabilities in the near west, western, and southwester suburbs. Let me know if you need that information.

    God bless and I'll be praying for you!
  • Myradella3Myradella3 Posts: 2,481Registered Users
    How old is your sister? Is your dad leaving her with you because it's what you want or it's what he wants or what the lady friend wants?
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users
    To address the issue of my sister, I honestly don't mind. I think I'd go crazy with loniliness if I didn't have her once my dad leaves. She'll be all I have left of my mom that is local, because my other sisters live over 400 miles away. I seriously and truly need to be close to family. I was overseas when my mom went into cardiac arrest, planning to be in England for 3 months by myself as an au pair. Now I can't imagine living somewhere without a family member nearby. I've considered relocating to the city he plans to move (with my sister) just to be by him. Not to butt in his 'new life,' but just to be a near distance.


    I know you don't mind. You're a good person. But taking on the care of your sister for a lifetime is a huge responsiblity and may very well mean that you don't get to have the life you want, ever.

    I hope your father is at least keeping financial responsibility of your sister, even though he's apparantly abandoning physical care of her.

    Ugh, I'm just sick for you. Good fathers don't leave dependent disabled adult children to the care of their other children and then leave town for a new woman. It would be different if your sister wasn't in the picture, but she is.
  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,059 Administrator
    We can't say he isn't a good dad. There's probably a lot going on here we don't or can't know.
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