another post about guy problems (long)

babyjumbojetbabyjumbojet Posts: 7Registered Users
i normally post under a different name, but i just wanted to post this under a secret name. i've been feeling really upset about a couple things going on in my relationship, and i need some advice..
i've been with my boyfriend for over five years, and we have been living together for a few years also, have talked seriously about marriage (have decided that we will get married one day), but are not engaged.

he has made jokes about marriage when we're all around his friends (his guy friends and their wives/girlfriends) that really hurt my feelings..these jokes generally happen when one of my girlfriends or i casually discuss marriage with each other or what things we may someday do for our wedding. he will jump into the conversation, and kind of grumble or say something like "never! you'll never catch me in your hellish trap of marriage!" (not in those words obviously, but to the same effect in a strong and obvious way - not beating around the bush).

he does this with the intention of making people laugh, but at best only seems to receive a chuckle, and for the most part people shoot me uncomfortable or pitying looks. i hate when he does this. i've told him that it hurts my feelings and i would appreciate him not making these "jokes" anymore. he said he was sorry and that he wouldn't do it again, but he still does, which upsets me even more because he said he wouldn't and he knows how it makes me feel.

he's told me that he wants to marry me, all of our friends know our plans, i don't see why he needs to make it seem like i'm some ball and chain that he doesn't really want to be with. i don't see why he just can't act like he cares about me in public. it's not just his marriage "jokes" either. he doesn't really acknowledge my presence, doesn't hold me hand, hardly tries to make conversation with me, won't sit close to me...this wouldn't bother me if it were just the two of us hanging with his guy friends who may feel uncomfortable or alienated, but he acts like this even when we're around other couples who are being tastefully affectionate. he'll be affectionate and hold my hand and stuff in other public places, around his family, around my friends...but not really around his friends. i don't know why he does this. he basically acts like i'm not his girlfriend around them, and it really hurts. and i don't really know how to discuss how i feel about this with him.

any advice? i'd really appreciate it. thanks a lot.

Comments

  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users Curl Neophyte
    Tell him like you told us...huuuge red flags here. :thumbdown:
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  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,259Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    In my experience, people don't really "joke". They hide the truth behind jokes. It's up to you to decide if you want to waste your youth on a guy who treats you this way.
  • BiancaBianca Posts: 2,492Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    he doesn't really acknowledge my presence, doesn't hold me hand, hardly tries to make conversation with me, won't sit close to me...this wouldn't bother me if it were just the two of us...


    Uhhhhh....it should bother you. Big time... :cry:

    In my experience, people don't really "joke". They hide the truth behind jokes.


    Yep. Whenever people say cruel things and end it with a laugh or a "Just kidding!" I interpret it as how they really feel.

    "How come you guys didn't invite me to lunch with you this weeked?"
    "Because you're ugly and we all hate you... Just kidding!!!"


    This part: "Because you're ugly and we all hate you..." is the truth.
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  • MeghuneyMeghuney Posts: 4,263Registered Users
    He's telling you, in a way that doesn't call for a sit-down discussion, how he feels about marriage. Listen. These actions speak much more loudly than the words he tells you when you are being vulnerable and putting yourself out there and talking to him about it like a grown-up.
  • SpunkyCurlsSpunkyCurls Posts: 1,523Registered Users
    I hate to say it but but that's not a good sign. I had the same sort of thing going on with my ex. But he would talk about it without any issues... but if I brought it up, he'd backpedal and joke and be a huge jerk. It really is embarrassing and makes you feel like crap.

    Finally I realized we had been going out for almost 6 years and we were still on the jokes and no proposal. :thumbdown: He told me I deserved better and even though I didn't believe him at first... I've done far better.

    You definitely need to have a talk with him. It's not fair to either of you to keep on this cycle. Either break the cycle or break up.
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  • texascurlytexascurly Posts: 1,967Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Please think long and hard if this is really the man you want to settle for. He is showing you by his actions (or lack there of) and telling you with his "jokes" how he truly feels about you...listen to him.
  • Who Me?Who Me? Posts: 3,181Registered Users
    First off, how old are you guys? My guess would be ~23. I'm guessing that because I know a ton of people who have gone through what I would call a similar situation at around that age. The situation is:

    You've been together a long time, he really loves you and doesn't want to lose you, but is in no way ready to settle down into marriage and family any time soon.

    I think he's confused because he loves you but at the same time has no interest in being married, and still wants to be "one of the guys" with his friends.

    Honestly, out of all the people I know who have been in this situation, I don't know many who have survived it. I think if you truly want to be together you need to give him a LOT of space for a while. And also work on getting him (and yourself) to understand that he doesn't have to give up his friends or hobbies in order to be with you or married.
    "I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" -BART SIMPSON
  • hopetocurlhopetocurl Posts: 1,280Registered Users
    Emotionally unavailable, afraid of commitment...run away, run away fast. OR change your tactics.... the woman that a man wants the MOST is a woman who doesn't want him. So, start loading up your comebacks...and when your friends talk about the future and your getting married make it clear that you're not interested in marrying him. Heck, I might even flirt with a few other guys, because MEN hate to have "done unto others" done to them.

    I know, some people say that they don't like to play games...but who are we really kidding...DATING is a game.
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  • NotBradPittNotBradPitt Posts: 203Registered Users
    Bjj,

    I don't know if he is a good guy or a bad guy but he is an ignorant, selfish and mean guy. Whether he knows this or more importantly cares is for you to decide. What I do know is he should be more respectful and treat you better. You don't even seem like a priority unless it suits him.

    What I don't get his him treating you this way and you guys living together. I just hope he spends his nights with you instead of over a friends houses a lot.........if he does, then you should be very concerned. But in the end you are in a bad situation. You want to be married and he doesn't. If you make him get married, things won't work out and if he doesn't want to, then you just might be wasting your time.
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  • automaticflowersautomaticflowers Posts: 3,465Registered Users
    If he's not ready for marriage yet, that's one thing.

    If he makes hurtful jokes after you've already asked him not to, and if he's basically treating you like a fifth wheel when you're around his friends... then yeah, he's being a total jerk and you need to have another talk with him.

    You could also limit your discussions of marriage/weddings with other friends until you know how he really feels about it. That way you're not giving him another chance to embarass you.

    Hopetocurl's suggestion kind of made me chuckle, about saying you aren't interested in shackling yourself to him for the rest of your life. Give him a taste of his own medicine, etc. However, that would probably just tick him off and make the situation worse. Games = no happy endings.

    (((hugs))) I'm sorry. I wouldn't even consider marriage with a guy who damn near ignores me around his friends. Sounds like he's more concerned about his image than your feelings.
  • luvmylocsluvmylocs Posts: 7,578Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    i think your age has a lot to do with this. i'm older and would not waste another moment with a guy that wasn't marrying me after max a year....

    the jokes are indicative of his personality and you'll have to deal with that insensitivity for the rest of your life, whether it's about your weight, your hair, your feelings about other major life issues (i.e. having children, work, etc)....so in short...i wouldn't put up with that.

    why do you want to be with him? because you've always been with him? really think about it and answer this for yourself.
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  • babyjumbojetbabyjumbojet Posts: 7Registered Users
    thanks a lot for the input, everyone.

    he does have a lot of good qualities, but when the bad stuff outweighs the good...well, how good is it REALLY? i'm not really sure what's going to happen with us in the future, but i'm going to talk to him again about this. if he keeps it up, with some other things that have gone on, i'm not sure if it will be worth staying in this relationship. i know i can't change him and can only change myself.

    utopiastars, you really summed it up well when you said he cares more about his image than my feelings. it does feel that way to me sometimes. :(

    thanks again everyone.
  • badgercurlsbadgercurls Posts: 3,077Registered Users
    i don't see why he just can't act like he cares about me in public. it's not just his marriage "jokes" either. he doesn't really acknowledge my presence, doesn't hold me hand, hardly tries to make conversation with me, won't sit close to me...this wouldn't bother me if it were just the two of us hanging with his guy friends who may feel uncomfortable or alienated, but he acts like this even when we're around other couples who are being tastefully affectionate. he'll be affectionate and hold my hand and stuff in other public places, around his family, around my friends...but not really around his friends. i don't know why he does this. he basically acts like i'm not his girlfriend around them, and it really hurts..

    As other people have said, this seems like a really big red flag. If you had only been together for a few months and/or were really young (i.e., in high school), then this might be something you could chalk up to immaturity. But you have been together for five years and live together. His friends know you're his girlfriend. Why can't he acknowledge it? It's even stranger that he does it around couples that are affectionate with each other, so it's not like he's just doing it to fit in with his friends.

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