I just don't know what to do! Please help!

sexyNcurlysexyNcurly Posts: 241Registered Users
Hi. Im so confused about this situation. I started seeing this guy I liked, he asked me out a few times and we kissed then I saw pictures of him with another girl on a friend's website. When i asked him about he said that he is just dating around casually. I was kind of put off but then when he said they were sleeping together I really didnt like that. I told him that I couldn't see him anymore because I don't want someone who is with someone else. A few weeks later this girl broke it off with him and we started talking again. We just went out the other night and had a great time. I asked him if he was seeing anyone now? and what was going on since we hadn't talked about it and he said that he wasnt seeing anyone at this time but he still doesnt want anything serious. We are going to talk about it tomorrow on the phone or something but I feel upset :( I really like him and I know he likes me. I dont want anything serious but I dont want someone who is sleeping with other girls either. What should I do? Can anyone give me their opinion on what they would do? Thanks so much it advanced!
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Comments

  • lapushkalapushka Posts: 601Registered Users
    How old are you?
  • StarrwithoutniteStarrwithoutnite Posts: 1,732Registered Users
    He is flat out telling you that he is not wanting to be with only one girl. If you can live with that then great, but if not then you just cant be with him. You like him, he likes you...great...but he also likes other girls! Its a no brainer for me.
    "Someday love will find you...break those chains that bind you!!"


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  • lapushkalapushka Posts: 601Registered Users
    It's a no brainer for me also. Too bad, he's made a choice in the kind of lifestyle he wants. You can't live with him seeing other girls, and he's not about to change, that's perfectly clear. If I were in your shoes... it would be crazy in that case to even contemplate a relationship with this guy.
  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,059 Administrator
    Yeah, hun, there's nothing you can do except deal with what he's offering or walk away.

    If I really liked the guy I couldn't deal with him sleeping with others either. If you can be friends, cool. I'm not sure I could do that unless I just felt so-so about him. You sound like your feelings are more than so-so for him. Friendship is not usually a good consolation prize for not getting what you really want - a relationship.

    Just don't sleep with him IMO.

    At least he's being honest. Be honest with him too.

    Best,

    K42
  • NetGNetG Posts: 8,116Registered Users
    He's been very clear - he has no desire to see only you.


    You have probably confused him, though - to many guys, exclusive IS a serious relationship. He probably doesn't even understand you telling him you don't want a serious relationship but don't want him seeing anyone else. As women, we get it - but many guys don't.

    Also, {hugs}. Sorry it's not going the way you want.
    The pews never miss a sermon but that doesn't get them one step closer to Heaven.
    -Speckla

    But at least the pews never attend yoga!
  • sexyNcurlysexyNcurly Posts: 241Registered Users
    Im 20 years old, the problem is I have such trouble in relationships..cause all the guys want is sex, and Im not gonna jump into that right away. But I just want to be close to someone. I do really like him and my heart feels like its sinking right now thinking about this whole thing..I guess I was pretty stupid thinking he may change for me.. :-(
  • Riot CrrlRiot Crrl Posts: 3,135Registered Users
    Guys never change. Well, once in a while they do, but it's rare and life's easier if you regard it with the expectation that they never will.

    One time I read a whole book that said what I just summed up in the above two sentences. I usually don't read self-help books, but I was extremely bored at work and someone else had it lying around.
  • lapushkalapushka Posts: 601Registered Users
    sexyNcurly wrote: »
    Im 20 years old, the problem is I have such trouble in relationships..cause all the guys want is sex, and Im not gonna jump into that right away. But I just want to be close to someone. I do really like him and my heart feels like its sinking right now thinking about this whole thing..I guess I was pretty stupid thinking he may change for me.. :-(

    You deserve better! Remember that! You deserve someone totally devoted to you, and that's what you really want, I think.

    The feeling may be great, the time may be right, but the guy so totally isn't... unless he changes. And he's already made clear that he isn't going to change for you or for another girl. So you know where you stand. Of course that hurts. But still getting in a relationship with this guy under these circumstances... is setting yourself up for disaster. That will hurt even more than it hurts now.

    Short pain now or the longer pain of getting involved with this guy? For me that would be an easy choice.
  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users Curl Neophyte
    sexyNcurly wrote: »
    Im 20 years old, the problem is I have such trouble in relationships..cause all the guys want is sex, and Im not gonna jump into that right away. But I just want to be close to someone. I do really like him and my heart feels like its sinking right now thinking about this whole thing..I guess I was pretty stupid thinking he may change for me.. :-(
    The right guy will be there for you.
    He is wanting his cake & eating it too...:thumbdown:
    Good for you for staying strong! :)
    0004.gif

    Ever since the sports thread wars I have sensed a special connection between [edit] & Wile. Like the connection oil has to water. I almost can't speak of it. Wait....my eyes are misting. ~asq
    Let’s just stay together and tell the world to kiss our ass. ~P


  • CurlsCurls Posts: 72Registered Users
    I agree, he already told you he isn't interested in monogamy and he showed you his nonchalant attitude.

    I understand that you like him and it's disappointing when the people we like don't meet our expectations for them, but if it seriously conflicts with your values, I say find someone else to like.

    Good luck hon!
    "I don't like to say I have given my life to art. I prefer to say art has given me my life."
    -Frank Stella
  • VTmomVTmom Posts: 2,487Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    He is flat out telling you that he is not wanting to be with only one girl. If you can live with that then great, but if not then you just cant be with him. You like him, he likes you...great...but he also likes other girls! Its a no brainer for me.

    yep, i agree with this. at least he's being truthful.
    The smallest deed is greater than the grandest intention.

    I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. (Invictus - William Ernest Henley)

    Just think I used to worry 'bout things like that,
    Used to worry 'bout rich and skinny, 'til I wound up poor and fat,
    Nowadays I kind of worry where my mind's been at,
    Just think I used to worry 'bout things like that. (Delbert McClinton - I Used to Worry from Never Been Rocked Enough)
  • CaliCali Posts: 475Registered Users
    He is not worth it, then. I really like this saying:

    "Anything worth doing, is worth doing the right way."

    Relationships are not something to be toyed or messed with. When you have feelings for someone you should know exactly what you need and what you want so you can know if you have a future with them. He does not want to commit to you like you do to him, that will only cause problems.

    Do what you know in your heart is right..even if it is totally different then what we say here.
    .png
    "Women are made to be loved, not understood."
  • sexyNcurlysexyNcurly Posts: 241Registered Users
    thanks for all of your input...I wish I felt any better, but I don't.. :-(
  • CocoaCoilyCocoaCoily Posts: 2,648Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I just want to insert that I'm not too keen on the slightly negative response to this guy. He's not doing anything wrong... In fact, I think what he's doing is OK. He doesn't want to be exclusive with a girl at this time in his life (I'm assuming he's in his early 20s), and honestly, he shouldn't. He's also being honest about it, which is a whole lot more than many young guys would be.

    The way I see it, the OP shouldn't be looking for a serious relationship at this point in her life either. Your main priorities at 20 years old should be your education, acclimating yourself to adulthood, getting to know yourself, and having fun! I understand wanting a bf, but that should not be high on your list, and you should be taking this opportunity to date casually (and, no, I don't mean sleep around).
  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users Curl Neophyte
    CocoaCoily wrote: »
    I just want to insert that I'm not too keen on the slightly negative response to this guy. He's not doing anything wrong... In fact, I think what he's doing is OK. He doesn't want to be exclusive with a girl at this time in his life (I'm assuming he's in his early 20s), and honestly, he shouldn't. He's also being honest about it, which is a whole lot more than many young guys would be.

    The way I see it, the OP shouldn't be looking for a serious relationship at this point in her life either. Your main priorities at 20 years old should be your education, acclimating yourself to adulthood, getting to know yourself, and having fun! I understand wanting a bf, but that should not be high on your list, and you should be taking this opportunity to date casually (and, no, I don't mean sleep around).
    ITA
    0004.gif

    Ever since the sports thread wars I have sensed a special connection between [edit] & Wile. Like the connection oil has to water. I almost can't speak of it. Wait....my eyes are misting. ~asq
    Let’s just stay together and tell the world to kiss our ass. ~P


  • O d d i s y~O d d i s y~ Posts: 1,042Registered Users
    If you don't like his lifestyle. PLEASE MOVE ON. Don't stick around and hope he would change , ain't going to happen and you're going to get your heart broken. I learn this the hard way. Don;t waste your time. Be with someone who wants to be with you. Period. You don't need to beg for attention from a guy who clears want more than one.

    I know sometimes we get lonely, but it's better to feel lonely alone , then be with someone in a relationship and feel lonely. This guy would probably make you feel insecure due to his difficulty in commitment. Trust me , you don't need or deserve the heart ache.

    Take care of yourself.
    And the end of the day , all you've got is yourself..:headbang:
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,259Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    sexyNcurly wrote: »
    Im 20 years old, the problem is I have such trouble in relationships..cause all the guys want is sex, and Im not gonna jump into that right away. But I just want to be close to someone. I do really like him and my heart feels like its sinking right now thinking about this whole thing..I guess I was pretty stupid thinking he may change for me.. :-(



    Most 20-something men want to be having sex fairly regularly, so, yes, it's going to be difficult to find a man who suits you and wants to be exclusive and not have sex. There are such men out there though...you just have to find them. It doesn't sound like this man fits your criteria, and he's telling you that pretty plainly...listen to him.
  • Who Me?Who Me? Posts: 3,181Registered Users
    I don't understand the whole "he's not going to change" sentiment. A lot of people want to date around until they get to know someone well enough to know that they want to be exclusive with that person. How do you know you want to be exclusive until you get to know the person? And why should he be expected to only date one girl at a time? I don't understand this at all. To me, exclusive is a serious relationship.

    Date the guy, get to know him better. It is really no business of yours if he is dating other girls until you two decide to become exclusive. However, regarding sex, I definitely think you need to protect yourself physically and emotionally and it's good that you are planning on not sleeping with someone until the two of you are exclusive.

    You can't expect a guy to be your boyfriend a few dates in. You can't expect a guy to not ask you out because he's also dating other girls, and you can't expect a guy to not ask out other girls because he has a date lined up with you. What you CAN expect is that the guy treats you right when you're with him, doesn't talk about or check out other girls when you're with him, and doesn't lie to you.
    "I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" -BART SIMPSON
  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,059 Administrator
    CocoaCoily wrote: »
    I just want to insert that I'm not too keen on the slightly negative response to this guy. He's not doing anything wrong... In fact, I think what he's doing is OK. He doesn't want to be exclusive with a girl at this time in his life (I'm assuming he's in his early 20s), and honestly, he shouldn't. He's also being honest about it, which is a whole lot more than many young guys would be.

    The way I see it, the OP shouldn't be looking for a serious relationship at this point in her life either. Your main priorities at 20 years old should be your education, acclimating yourself to adulthood, getting to know yourself, and having fun! I understand wanting a bf, but that should not be high on your list, and you should be taking this opportunity to date casually (and, no, I don't mean sleep around).

    Not that I agree with sleeping around or anything but I think I agree with CC's overall pt. It's not like he used you or lied to you. He's being straight up honest IMO.
  • hennabrainhennabrain Posts: 221Registered Users
    i think the key point for the OP to remember is this: for her, it sounds like sex is something shared once the relationship has grown and become exclusive. whereas for him, dating and sex are the same.

    that's not going to change. he might be monogamous someday (in the context of a long-term relationship) but while he's dating, he'll be "casual."

    as a relationship-first person, she'd do well to avoid a dating=sex person. guys who sleep with most of their dates are not often careful about protection.
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    - Mitch Hedberg
  • MunchyMunchy Posts: 5,206Registered Users Curl Novice
    CocoaCoily wrote: »
    I just want to insert that I'm not too keen on the slightly negative response to this guy. He's not doing anything wrong... In fact, I think what he's doing is OK. He doesn't want to be exclusive with a girl at this time in his life (I'm assuming he's in his early 20s), and honestly, he shouldn't. He's also being honest about it, which is a whole lot more than many young guys would be.

    I agree 100% and I was going to post the same thing. I'm glad this guy is honest in telling you he sleeps with multiple partners and is not looking to change that.

    I also would say that it's a good time to date around. You can have casual and fun relationships with a lot of guys and not worry about it. If one progresses to something serious, so be it. If not, you had some fun times out. Don't limit yourself :)
  • sexyNcurlysexyNcurly Posts: 241Registered Users
    maybe I should just go out with him now and have fun. I mean he said he's not seeing anyone right now. I guess that could work..I just really like him and like spending time with him
  • subbrocksubbrock Posts: 8,212Registered Users
    CocoaCoily wrote: »
    I just want to insert that I'm not too keen on the slightly negative response to this guy. He's not doing anything wrong... In fact, I think what he's doing is OK. He doesn't want to be exclusive with a girl at this time in his life (I'm assuming he's in his early 20s), and honestly, he shouldn't. He's also being honest about it, which is a whole lot more than many young guys would be.

    The way I see it, the OP shouldn't be looking for a serious relationship at this point in her life either. Your main priorities at 20 years old should be your education, acclimating yourself to adulthood, getting to know yourself, and having fun! I understand wanting a bf, but that should not be high on your list, and you should be taking this opportunity to date casually (and, no, I don't mean sleep around).

    i couldnt agree more!
  • NetGNetG Posts: 8,116Registered Users
    sexyNcurly wrote: »
    maybe I should just go out with him now and have fun. I mean he said he's not seeing anyone right now. I guess that could work..I just really like him and like spending time with him

    No.

    You KNOW he wants to date around and not be exclusive.

    And you KNOW you want more than that with him, and can't accept less without being hurt constantly.

    I don't think he's a bad person, or that you're wrong to care about him. But you need to not try to convince yourself it could be ok, because that kind of self-delusion when you clearly know that's not the case is what ends up in MAJOR heartbreak.
    The pews never miss a sermon but that doesn't get them one step closer to Heaven.
    -Speckla

    But at least the pews never attend yoga!
  • MunchyMunchy Posts: 5,206Registered Users Curl Novice
    NetG wrote: »
    sexyNcurly wrote: »
    maybe I should just go out with him now and have fun. I mean he said he's not seeing anyone right now. I guess that could work..I just really like him and like spending time with him

    No.

    You KNOW he wants to date around and not be exclusive.

    And you KNOW you want more than that with him, and can't accept less without being hurt constantly.

    I don't think he's a bad person, or that you're wrong to care about him. But you need to not try to convince yourself it could be ok, because that kind of self-delusion when you clearly know that's not the case is what ends up in MAJOR heartbreak.

    Yep, I completely agree with NetG.
  • hopetocurlhopetocurl Posts: 1,280Registered Users
    Munchy wrote: »
    NetG wrote: »
    sexyNcurly wrote: »
    maybe I should just go out with him now and have fun. I mean he said he's not seeing anyone right now. I guess that could work..I just really like him and like spending time with him

    No.

    You KNOW he wants to date around and not be exclusive.

    And you KNOW you want more than that with him, and can't accept less without being hurt constantly.

    I don't think he's a bad person, or that you're wrong to care about him. But you need to not try to convince yourself it could be ok, because that kind of self-delusion when you clearly know that's not the case is what ends up in MAJOR heartbreak.

    Yep, I completely agree with NetG.

    I agree with Munchy and NetG, but wanted to add, don't delude yourself into thinking that you can change him. Change him into wanting to only be with you. Guys are not like that...no one can change them.
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  • Who Me?Who Me? Posts: 3,181Registered Users
    sexyNcurly wrote: »
    maybe I should just go out with him now and have fun. I mean he said he's not seeing anyone right now. I guess that could work..I just really like him and like spending time with him

    If you want to go out with him, you HAVE to find a way to make yourself comfortable with the idea that he WILL be dating and sleeping with other women on the days/nights that he is not with you. This really has NOTHING to do with how much he likes you, it's just how he currently wants to live his life. If you like spending time with him, then you should date him knowing the above, but also keep yourself open to dating other people. In dating in general, until a couple becomes exclusive (usually a few months of dating) you should find a way to convince yourself that it doesn't matter what (or who) he's doing on the 5 or 6 nights per week that he's not with you.

    Yeah, it kinda sucks when you want something out of a relationship that the other person wants (in this case near-immediate exclusivity). But I don't understand how you could think things would be different just because he currently isn't seeing anyone. It has nothing to do with if he is or isn't, and everything to do with his intentions.

    Honestly, I think you're going to have a very difficult, if not impossible, time finding a man who is willing to commit to exclusivity on the first or second date.
    "I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" -BART SIMPSON
  • CocoaCoilyCocoaCoily Posts: 2,648Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    You know, all this advice about not dating this guy isn't really helpful, I think. If that's the case, then she should not date anyone. Because I find it hard to imagine any 20 y.o. guy wanting to date one girl exclusively from day one.

    What the OP needs to do is realize that she is dating, that dating means that you are not exclusive, and learn to deal.
  • solangesolange Posts: 2,539Registered Users
    hopetocurl wrote: »
    Munchy wrote: »
    NetG wrote: »

    No.

    You KNOW he wants to date around and not be exclusive.

    And you KNOW you want more than that with him, and can't accept less without being hurt constantly.

    I don't think he's a bad person, or that you're wrong to care about him. But you need to not try to convince yourself it could be ok, because that kind of self-delusion when you clearly know that's not the case is what ends up in MAJOR heartbreak.

    Yep, I completely agree with NetG.

    I agree with Munchy and NetG, but wanted to add, don't delude yourself into thinking that you can change him. Change him into wanting to only be with you. Guys are not like that...no one can change them.


    I agree with NetG. Don't try to talk your self into settling for something less. I don't think that you are asking for too much or something that is unattainable/unrealistic.
    3C, BSL Unstretched -
  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    CocoaCoily wrote: »
    You know, all this advice about not dating this guy isn't really helpful, I think. If that's the case, then she should not date anyone. Because I find it hard to imagine any 20 y.o. guy wanting to date one girl exclusively from day one.

    What the OP needs to do is realize that she is dating, that dating means that you are not exclusive, and learn to deal.


    I don't think it is that unusual. It may not be easy to find, but I think that there are plenty of young guys who want that, if it is with the right young woman.

    I also don't have a problem with non-exclusive dating... but dating also does not have to mean having sex. Someone could be dating a few people but not necessarily sleeping with them. I also think that there are plenty of things wrong with casual sex, and the OP is smart to protect herself from that.

    I'm not saying this to be judgmental of people who have casual sex, but just to provide a different perspective for the OP. It feels to me like some people are almost encouraging her to be tolerant of things that feel instinctively wrong to her, and making it seem like she can't have the type of relationship she wants and deserves. Just because others made different choices than she wants to make does not mean that she cannot stick to her guns and get what is right for her.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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