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Ever regret getting pregnant?

SimbathekatSimbathekat Posts: 140Registered Users
Please hear me out before judging and belittling my thread.

I am currently 13 weeks pregnant and am totally regretting that my bf and I conceived this child. I went back and forth about getting an abortion, but couldn't bring myself to do it. But there's still this little nagging in the back of my mind going, "It's not too late - you can still abort. Sure it'll be devastating, but you'll get over it."

Already I'm feeling restricted: I feel miserable at my current job and I can't go and find another, because I won't get maternity leave. Things are coming out about my bf's family that I didn't know about - and I no longer feel comfortable moving in with him.

Yeah yeah yeah - I know everything should've been thought out in advance, but it wasn't.

How do you deal with these up and down feelings? One day I feel happy (I saw the baby moving inside of me last week), the next day I feel trapped and doomed about stepping into motherhood.

PS - I wouldn't get an abortion at this point. Those little legs were kicked up and crossed during my last ultrasound. I could never do such a thing.

Thanks ladies.
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Comments

  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users
    Please hear me out before judging and belittling my thread.

    I am currently 13 weeks pregnant and am totally regretting that my bf and I conceived this child. I went back and forth about getting an abortion, but couldn't bring myself to do it. But there's still this little nagging in the back of my mind going, "It's not too late - you can still abort. Sure it'll be devastating, but you'll get over it."

    Already I'm feeling restricted: I feel miserable at my current job and I can't go and find another, because I won't get maternity leave. Things are coming out about my bf's family that I didn't know about - and I no longer feel comfortable moving in with him.

    Yeah yeah yeah - I know everything should've been thought out in advance, but it wasn't.

    How do you deal with these up and down feelings? One day I feel happy (I saw the baby moving inside of me last week), the next day I feel trapped and doomed about stepping into motherhood.

    PS - I wouldn't get an abortion at this point. Those little legs were kicked up and crossed during my last ultrasound. I could never do such a thing.

    Thanks ladies.


    Yes, I felt like that, with my first baby. My marriage was bad and we had split up for a few months. We got back together and made a "make-up baby". Within weeks, the marriage was bad again. I contemplated abortion, for a short time, but ultimately decided I wanted my baby. I've never told my son that...he's 22 now...and I never will. I don't regret having my son.

    Things work out. Try to enjoy your pregnancy and get through the relationship things as best as you can. I wish you happiness.
  • subbrocksubbrock Posts: 8,212Registered Users
    oooh you poor thing!

    i found out i was pregnant 4 months after meeting my SO. yeah. 4 months. not 4 months of dating but 4 months of even knowing the man existed! not to mention, pregnancy kicked my butt. it was awful for me. i went from being a 24 yr old party girl with no responsibilities to being a mom all in 9 short months.
    the adjustment to him and being a mom can be overwhelming but i can honestly say i dont regret having my child. once you meet the little one growing inside of you, things change. and even when i hate my SO the most, i have to admit that i couldnt have made my daughter without him. she is my life!

    best of luck to you
  • cosmicflycosmicfly Posts: 1,814Registered Users
    I felt like that with my first baby and also with this baby. Especially the first time, it took quite a while before I adjusted to the idea. And actually, this time (my third), I ignored it for several weeks and did not tell anyone but the baby's father. I do not regret my son (he'll be 7 next week) in the least.

    RCW is right, things really do work out, even if its not as you had envisioned. And the feelings of being trapped about stepping into motherhood seem fairly normal to me. I wish you the best.
  • webjockeywebjockey Posts: 2,786Registered Users
    My story is similar to subbrock except we waited 3 months ;). I also never wanted children. I was ok with the partner/husband thing because I knew I chose wisely. (My husband's family history is like 5 after school specials and evil made for tv movies rolled up in one.)


    But I was in serious denial about the baby thing. I treated my pregnancy like I was in crisis management mode - which, in retrospect, worked out really well. I was able to have a pretty ok pregnancy, successfully have a home water birth, and the baby was healthy.

    Even after the baby was born, my midwife gave me homeopathic remedies usually used for people dealing with grief, or loss of life.
    It was only when the babe was about 8 months that I stopped feeling sorry for myself and hating life. (ok hate is a little strong, but I wasn't happy). I still take walnut bach's flower remedies from time to time, but I feel less of a need to rely on it. To the world I was fine. To a specialist, I could easily have been tagged as PPD, given anti depressants and the like.

    I knew that it was part of me growing up and adjusting. My husband understood and was patient as well, which helped tremendously. I think it's ok to feel grief or remorse. It doesn't make you a bad mother, or a bad person, or particularly selfish.

    Now I actually like the little guy, not just love him because I'm "supposed to". It just took some time.

    My advice: Everything in time.
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  • medussamedussa Posts: 12,993Registered Users
    I've never been in your shoes but I wish you all of the best. {{{Hugs}}}.
  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,059 Administrator
    I did when I was pregnant. I didn't plan my pregnancy. I did not want to be pregnant and did not want to have a baby. I just *knew* I'd be a horrible mother and wasn't ready. Well, almost 12 years later my son is the greatest blessing in my life.

    Speckla
  • internetchickinternetchick Posts: 6,191Registered Users
    webjockey wrote: »
    My story is similar to subbrock except we waited 3 months ;). I also never wanted children. I was ok with the partner/husband thing because I knew I chose wisely. (My husband's family history is like 5 after school specials and evil made for tv movies rolled up in one.)


    But I was in serious denial about the baby thing. I treated my pregnancy like I was in crisis management mode - which, in retrospect, worked out really well. I was able to have a pretty ok pregnancy, successfully have a home water birth, and the baby was healthy.

    Even after the baby was born, my midwife gave me homeopathic remedies usually used for people dealing with grief, or loss of life.
    It was only when the babe was about 8 months that I stopped feeling sorry for myself and hating life. (ok hate is a little strong, but I wasn't happy). I still take walnut bach's flower remedies from time to time, but I feel less of a need to rely on it. To the world I was fine. To a specialist, I could easily have been tagged as PPD, given anti depressants and the like.

    I knew that it was part of me growing up and adjusting. My husband understood and was patient as well, which helped tremendously. I think it's ok to feel grief or remorse. It doesn't make you a bad mother, or a bad person, or particularly selfish.

    Now I actually like the little guy, not just love him because I'm "supposed to". It just took some time.

    My advice: Everything in time.
    I could have written this about my third child.

    I was breastfeeding a 9 month old when I discovered my IUD failed. I cried. A lot. I considered abortion for quite some time. I didn't do it because my husband really wanted to keep it, and I am still not sure if I could have done it. I can't imagine my life without my little guy now, but it took me awhile to really start going with it and enjoying everything.
  • MunchyMunchy Posts: 5,206Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I've been there. I never wanted kids, and my husband (fiance of 1.5 years at the time) has two already, so I was sort of happy to be settled with life. He had his kids, I had none.

    When I found out I was pregnant, it was the worst possible time. Because of our decision to withhold rent after 8 months of arguing with our landlord about unlivable conditions, he gave us three days to move from our house or come up with the rent. We packed our stuff in a POD and we were homeless, 2 days before Christmas. Over the months before, we had major financial difficulties because of large child support payments, and made the decision that he should stay at home.
    I found out I was pregnant about two days before New Year's. I was scared, and my husband and I kept it a secret.
    We ended up staying with my husband's father in his Elderly apt complex for one month until (through a coworker) we came across a wonderful older woman who lived in a large converted farmhouse, had the upstairs to rent, and the renting family was moving out. We met with them and moved in by the beginning of Feb.
    I had a scheduled abortion in January, went, and decided that I couldn't do it. I couldn't go through that, especially because it was my husband and my child. It wasn't random, the child was made out of love. I was scared - very scared. We finally told my parents, husband's parents sometime after that, but before moving into the new place.
    I have had longstanding body image issues which just got horrendous during pregnancy. I didn't like getting heavier, the invasive questions, and I was uncomfortable and horrified at becoming a "mom" and not a woman anymore. I didn't want the responsibility. I became depressed. I asked my ob to refer me to a psychologist and she found one that specialized in pregnant women and body image/depression. She decided that because my issues were not based in pregnancy, but they just became worse, she referred me to a therapist that I saw until two weeks before I gave birth.
    She helped me work through a lot of my fears and (as some others can attest to) I used internet sites as a place to vent and get feedback.

    Seeing a therapist was the best thing I've ever done. Just being able to talk about my fears for an hour a week without being judged really helped me.

    Now, I have a 5 1/2 month old beautiful baby that I fell in love with from the moment she came into the world. Being with her and taking care of her isn't a chore - it's the most fulfilling job I've ever had. She is fabulous! We still live in the beautiful farmhouse in a very well-to-do neighborhood, my husband has been working a great job for a little over a year, and I thank God everyday that I made that decision not to go through with the abortion.
    Life is good.
  • SweetPicklesSweetPickles Posts: 850Registered Users
    I'm going to take a leap and admit this out loud for the first time: In a word, YES. I'm currently wrestling with ongoing thoughts (and the subsequent guilt over those thoughts) that this second child is the biggest, most colossal mistake of my entire life.
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  • geekygeeky Posts: 4,995Registered Users
    I am on my second pregnancy, very much planned, and I still have moments of "OMG! What have we done", so I can only imagine your feelings in your particular situation. If there is any way at all for you to try some therapy, I highly recommend it. It will help you deal with all these feelings.
    I wish you the best of luck.
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  • iris427iris427 Posts: 6,002Registered Users
    Simba, I'm about the same point in my pregnancy as you are.

    My pregnancy was not planned and I cried all day when I got the positive test.

    My fiance is in the middle of contemplating a career change. His family is very dysfunctional and falling apart right now and there are times where I really feel upset about bringing a child into that family, even though I know he will be a great dad. We want to sell his house and move to a better neighborhood but we are having trouble just getting it fixed up (in January one of our pipes burst and we're still dealing with the repairs).

    I'm happy to be pregnant but right now it is making everything more difficult and stressful.

    I hope that things work out for you ((hugs))
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  • KaiaKaia Posts: 8,815Registered Users
    Munchy, your post made me teary-eyed. I had no idea how much you'd been through. I'm sooo happy everything worked out for you.

    Regarding the OP, I can also sympathize with your feelings. My pregnancy was unplanned and terribly timed as well. My SO and I had been together for 4 years at the time, but it hadn't been an easy 4 years. We had split up the year before that, he moved out, and we thought we were done for good. The break-up didn't stick though, and we ended up getting back together and moving back in. Then things got bad again and we were thinking of parting ways again (can you tell I have committment issues?), and that's when I got pregnant. I cried because I knew the pregnancy was a "bad" move, but I also felt glad that I was pregnant because in my heart I wanted a baby. Then I felt guilty for having (selfishly) wanted a baby and blamed myself for not being careful enough and getting pregnant at a bad time. I also felt scared because having a baby is such a huge committment. I wished I could just run away from the whole situation, and then of course I felt guilty for feeling this way. Like in the other posters' situations, mine worked out. I love my little boy to pieces. Not just because I'm supposed to love him, but I truly enjoy being his mom.

    Whatever you decide, I wish you the best. I do believe that things work out. If you really feel that you can't raise a child now, would you consider adoption? If you decide to keep the baby, just try to take it easy on yourself. Don't expect to fall in love with him/her as soon as they're born. Sometimes that happens, but often it takes time. When my son was born, I felt like I was in a haze for a few days. I was very possessive of my baby and didn't like anyone else touching him, but at the same time I felt like I was looking at a complete stranger, which in a way he was. Even now I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I didn't get pregnant. I'd probably be quite happy living my committment-free life, going out and having a good time. Even now, I still feel like I wasn't truly ready to be a mom, but honestly, I don't know if I ever would have been ready. Sometimes life throws you into things that you would have been too afraid to do otherwise.

    I think I've rambled on enough. I hope things work out for you soon. Feel free to vent or ask questions here anytime. This ladies here are a great source of knowledge and support.
    *Poster formerly known as Bailey422*

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  • hopetocurlhopetocurl Posts: 1,280Registered Users
    Simbathekat - I agree with RCW. I am big believer that things happen for a reason. Things will work out, maybe you are not supposed to change jobs right now. Good things come to those who wait.

    SweetPickles - I don't know how old your 1st and/or 2nd child is. But, I seriously thought I was going insane for the first... oh, 12 -13 months or so. It wasn't "the baby" but it was "having a baby." I also felt guilty because I was like... "What have I done.... what have I done." It gets so much better... my 2nd is 4 now and such a joy to be with. "All that is good and right in the world."
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  • CurlieGlamourGirlieCurlieGlamourGirlie Posts: 1,198Registered Users
    I never regretted it, but with my husband being a full-time student, it's certainly not the ideal time to be adding to our family and I worried (and still do) as to how we were going to make it all work.

    But after having gone through the chemo and not knowing if I'd be able to get pregnant and whatnot - I knew this little baby was a miracle and thank every second I have with him.

    So I just send hugs and best wishes.

    My mantra? "Everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know what that reason is at the moment." (It's really helped me at times)

    RCW - My mom got pregnant with me while in college before she and my dad got married. She told me that they had considered terminating the pregnancy. I never begrudge my mom that and she and I have the most blessed relationship. Just thought you might be interested in hearing from "the other side".
  • MunchyMunchy Posts: 5,206Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Bailey - thanks! I'm really grateful for everything I have. I grew up and had it very easy, and a few years after making it "on my own," I really felt that I hit rock bottom in 2006. My new year's resolution last year was that it was going to be better than the year before - and it progressively has gotten better - EVERY aspect. We still have difficulties, but as long as I'm not in the situation we were in (financially we couldn't afford to even eat) I feel blessed. Some of the situations we were in and got out of were obviously with God's help.
  • iris427iris427 Posts: 6,002Registered Users
    Wow, Munchy, I'm so glad things have gotten better for you!
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  • PhDCowPhDCow Posts: 1,621Registered Users
    While I was in college, my mother told me that she had made the appointment for an abortion. That pretty much cemented any resentment I had felt from her and her family throughout my childhood.
    God doesn't give special kids to special parents. He takes ordinary, imperfect people, and gifts them with his greatest treasures. And therein, he creates special parents.

  • iris427iris427 Posts: 6,002Registered Users
    I took Plan B to try to prevent this pregnancy. I will not be telling my child that.

    PhDCow, I'm sorry about your situation with your mom and her family.
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  • deezee02deezee02 Posts: 1,509Registered Users
    S was very much not planned. DH and I had gotten engaged 2 weeks before S was concieved. We did not find out until I was almost 8 weeks along (since I had a period)

    I had just gotten a promotion at work that I had wanted for over a year. We both work in retail, and enjoyed the later hours and sleeping in. Although we were financially stable, we were no where near where we wanted to be. BUT, we were stable emotionally.

    We had it all planned out, we could make ends meet if I went back to work part time at 6 weeks. I could also do work from home to get more hours in to bump back to full time if I wanted. Since my company does not have maternity leave, that would work best for us.

    When I had finally gotten over the fact that it was normal to gain weight while pregnant, I found out about his heart condition. For a while, I was mad at myself for not terminating in the begining. WHAT had we gotten ourselves into? Had I been given the choice, we probably would have considered medical termination, since it is pushed with the condition that S has.

    Even after he was born, there were many times I regretted having him. I had to completely stop working b/c I was told he would never go to daycare. I spent weeks at a time never leaving the hospital. Seeing your child hooked up to so many tubes will make you think in a totally different way. I did not connect with him completly until he was over 2 months old, and once he was home. Honestly, that is why I think he was alive today. I was able to make informed choices about my child without having an emotional connection.

    Now I have this amazing 17 month old toddler who adores me, and the feeling is mutual. The 3 of us have gone through so many ups and down, that sometimes our life feels like one big rollercoaster. Yes, I had regrets, hell i still have them. BUT I would not change any of the choices I made if I had to go through it all over agian.
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  • nynaeve77nynaeve77 Posts: 7,135Registered Users
    Simbathekat, I'm so sorry you're going through a tough time. (((hugs))) I hope everything works out for you and your baby.
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  • geminigemini Posts: 3,325Registered Users
    My daughter was not planned. I was not trying to be pregnant. I was lucky in that my husband was very ready to start a family and that we had already enjoyed five years together as a married couple without kids. But...even then I didn't feel ready and I would have been perfectly happy putting off kids indefinitely.

    People act like you are supposed to be thrilled to have a baby, especially as the mother-to-be (My FIL even asked "Are you thrilled?" and I honestly didn't have an answer for him). Like all women have the mindset that their ultimate accomplishment should be having a child. I never had baby fever and never liked when people passed their infants to me to hold. I didn't get used to the idea of being a parent until I was into my second trimester and even then I would freak out about having to be responsible for someone else and not having time left over for myself. I still struggle with this part--the first year with a new baby is TOUGH, but it's better now--she's almost 2 1/2 and it's been amazing to watch someone grow up, reveal their personality and learn new things right before your eyes.

    To the OP: It's hard to do what you think and feel is "right" (in your case, having the child) when the outcome might mean struggling for awhile. I am sorry you are going through such a rough time, and I sincerely hope you have the right support to make things better for you.
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users
    RCW - My mom got pregnant with me while in college before she and my dad got married. She told me that they had considered terminating the pregnancy. I never begrudge my mom that and she and I have the most blessed relationship. Just thought you might be interested in hearing from "the other side".


    I'm glad it worked out for you and that it doesn't bother you, but I still don't think I'll ever tell my son that I thought about aborting him. He's been through enough with my years of marital hell and his father abandoning him after we divorced. I've always told him that I love him and he's mine and I'm glad he's here, and that's the truth. The rest of it isn't his issue to have to deal with.
  • iris427iris427 Posts: 6,002Registered Users
    RCW - My mom got pregnant with me while in college before she and my dad got married. She told me that they had considered terminating the pregnancy. I never begrudge my mom that and she and I have the most blessed relationship. Just thought you might be interested in hearing from "the other side".
    I'm glad it worked out for you and that it doesn't bother you, but I still don't think I'll ever tell my son that I thought about aborting him. He's been through enough with my years of marital hell and his father abandoning him after we divorced. I've always told him that I love him and he's mine and I'm glad he's here, and that's the truth. The rest of it isn't his issue to have to deal with.

    I agree. While it's great that CGG does not have issues from finding out her mom almost had an abortion, it is the kind of thing that could upset a lot of people. Why risk it? It's not something he needs to know.
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  • MunchyMunchy Posts: 5,206Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    iris427 wrote: »
    RCW - My mom got pregnant with me while in college before she and my dad got married. She told me that they had considered terminating the pregnancy. I never begrudge my mom that and she and I have the most blessed relationship. Just thought you might be interested in hearing from "the other side".
    I'm glad it worked out for you and that it doesn't bother you, but I still don't think I'll ever tell my son that I thought about aborting him. He's been through enough with my years of marital hell and his father abandoning him after we divorced. I've always told him that I love him and he's mine and I'm glad he's here, and that's the truth. The rest of it isn't his issue to have to deal with.

    I agree. While it's great that CGG does not have issues from finding out her mom almost had an abortion, it is the kind of thing that could upset a lot of people. Why risk it? It's not something he needs to know.
    Yeah, I wrestled with telling my child in the future, but I think it's better for her not to know. I love her more than anyone in the world - it's more than enough!
  • iris427iris427 Posts: 6,002Registered Users
    Munchy wrote: »
    iris427 wrote: »
    I'm glad it worked out for you and that it doesn't bother you, but I still don't think I'll ever tell my son that I thought about aborting him. He's been through enough with my years of marital hell and his father abandoning him after we divorced. I've always told him that I love him and he's mine and I'm glad he's here, and that's the truth. The rest of it isn't his issue to have to deal with.

    I agree. While it's great that CGG does not have issues from finding out her mom almost had an abortion, it is the kind of thing that could upset a lot of people. Why risk it? It's not something he needs to know.
    Yeah, I wrestled with telling my child in the future, but I think it's better for her not to know. I love her more than anyone in the world - it's more than enough!

    I think the most I would ever tell my child is that they were a happy surprise. They don't need to know anything else, IMO.
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  • MunchyMunchy Posts: 5,206Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    iris427 wrote: »
    Munchy wrote: »
    iris427 wrote: »

    I agree. While it's great that CGG does not have issues from finding out her mom almost had an abortion, it is the kind of thing that could upset a lot of people. Why risk it? It's not something he needs to know.
    Yeah, I wrestled with telling my child in the future, but I think it's better for her not to know. I love her more than anyone in the world - it's more than enough!

    I think the most I would ever tell my child is that they were a happy surprise. They don't need to know anything else, IMO.

    I'm the middle child and the only planned one...and I would tell my brothers that often. My parents would always correct me - "no, not a mistake, a surprise!" :)
  • PhDCowPhDCow Posts: 1,621Registered Users
    iris427 wrote: »
    I took Plan B to try to prevent this pregnancy. I will not be telling my child that.

    PhDCow, I'm sorry about your situation with your mom and her family.

    Thanks, Iris. I'm in therapy now for issues that started in my childhood. Being told many times by my mother's family that I ruined her life was not a big self-esteem booster for me.

    Luckily, my dad's been great, especially as I've gotten older, about telling me how it was no mistake, that I was very wanted.

    Some things should just be left unspoken between parent and child, KWIM? I didn't need to be told that I was conceived on my grandparents' washing machine (ick!) or that my mother was rebounding with my father and that he was just supposed to get her mind off her old boyfriend.

    Anyway, this thread is not for my therapy and issues. Surprises happen. Hell, both of my demons were semi-planned and I still spent a good portion of my pregnancies going "what the **** did I get myself into?"
    God doesn't give special kids to special parents. He takes ordinary, imperfect people, and gifts them with his greatest treasures. And therein, he creates special parents.

  • curly_keltiecurly_keltie Posts: 791Registered Users
    munchy - I also had a brutal 2006. At the beginning of the year I was forced to sell my home because I was unemployed and then in September, I had my son. He was definitely a surprise. Some members on here know the backstory - for those who don't...it's far too long to get into again. Needless to say, it's all worked out.

    To the original poster - have you considered the option of adoption? I'm not saying this is what you should do - but you should know that it is a viable option. My birthmom was 15 when she had me and gave me up for adoption - and in my mind, that was the biggest act of love she has ever given me.

    But if you decide against adoption - you will be fine. It won't be easy, but you will be fine. Just take any help that is offered and take each day one day at a time.
    Long, blonde, 3a/mostly b hair.

    78Da.jpg78Dam6.png
  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,059 Administrator
    I cried everyday of my pregnancy because I didn't want to be pregnant. I'll admit that I even cried after he was born because I didn't want to be a mom. But something clicked and it's all ok now.

    Speckla
  • PoPo Posts: 2,607Registered Users
    Speckla wrote: »
    I cried everyday of my pregnancy because I didn't want to be pregnant. I'll admit that I even cried after he was born because I didn't want to be a mom. But something clicked and it's all ok now.

    Speckla

    Me, too. I was suicidal and probably should have been hospitalized at some point.

    I've only become happy with it in the past year or so and he's 4. I've been OK with it for a while, but it's taken me almost 4 years to be truly content.

    eta: And I don't regret it all. :)
    3c/4a
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