CurlTalk

Just Need to Vent

CurlieGlamourGirlieCurlieGlamourGirlie Posts: 1,198Registered Users
Okay. I just need to vent and get things out of my system.

Luke is delicious. He's incredibly bright and alert and a joy. When he's not screaming. Or hungry. Which seem to be 22 out of the 24 hours in a day.

I read an article on drsears.com and it seems as though he's a "high-needs" baby. Needs to be held, needs to be fed a lot. It's overwhelming and I find myself crying a lot. It also makes me feel bad like I don't know how to take care of my son without just popping the boobie in his mouth to make him calmer.

On top of that I have to go back to work on Monday and my DH is freaking out about school since he's a full-time student.

I'm not looking for suggestions, just wanted to vent to fellow mommies. I know this won't last forever, but I also want to enjoy Luke while he's this little, not just count down the days until he's out of this "phase".

Thanks!
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Comments

  • geekygeeky Posts: 4,995Registered Users
    {{{hugs}}}

    Please give yourself permission to NOT enjoy this phase. Feel free to hate it, it does not make you any less of a great mom. There are naturally stages you will enjoy more than others. And stages you will downright hate. That is normal.
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  • fuzzbucketfuzzbucket Posts: 996Registered Users
    Huge hugs to you! Harry is definitely high needs. Not a crier, but just very demanding. It is exhausting, especially with me working full time. I feel your pain! Just know that you did nothing to "make" him this way. Each baby is unique. Once I let go and just accepted who and how he is, I started to cope a bit better. (Not to say that I didn't have a total meltdown last night.)

    And hey, if the boob fits! Go with it! That is the only thing that Harry gets upset about. He is serious about his nursies! (Every hour, on the hour sometimes!)
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  • wavezncurlzwavezncurlz Posts: 1,814Registered Users
    Our babies are about the same age. Cassi is pretty easy but in the evening, she's very fussy. Of course, this is when I try to work out and leave DH with the girls. He swears he's never seen her smile or happy and he's not bonding with her like I have. He doesn't remember that Kennedy was also a high needs baby - he's just enjoying the fun 2 year old. This is very stressful.

    I don't go back to work until mid March but I am hoping she will get better.

    Right now, I just put her down after she spent time on the boob - she's screaming bloody murder. It's the witching hour already. UGH!!!
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  • DarkAngelDarkAngel Posts: 2,671Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    ::hugs:: It will pass. I hope it passes quickly for you and that you don't remember any of it. For not, vent away!
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  • jcejce Posts: 507Registered Users
    {{hugs}} My first child was very "high needs" too. It was a nightmare at times. He had colic for 9 months. Every night at 2am. Too bad there never seemed to be any good movies on cable at that time 7 years ago.

    Please don't feel bad about not enjoying this phase. It's misery! Especially if you're going back to work. I was happy to just enjoy a few hours at a time, because some days, we did well to get even a few good hours.

    DH even got to the point of wearing headphones to drown out the screaming because that was the only way to not totally lose his sanity. I never used them, but there were times I locked myself in the bathroom for quite a while.

    Hang in there! And do whatever it takes to cope.
    3b/c normally, 3a/b in the winter

  • medussamedussa Posts: 12,993Registered Users
    I don't know what a mellow baby is.

    As for nursing Luke all the time, with my babies I always say, "when in doubt, whip it out."

    You will get through this stage, CGG.
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    So far both of mine have been easy infants. But ooooohhhhhhh, the toddler stage is getting very difficult. Hang in there! It will get better...or worse...or stay the same! LOL

  • velvet pawsvelvet paws Posts: 1,250Registered Users
    aw, my Lucas turns into a demon baby every evening. He stinks. Luckily he's cool during the day, otherwise I'd be offering him for sale on ebay. Maybe Lynne Spears would be interested. ;) Hang in there. I was in tears last night because I was so frustrated - you're definitely not alone!
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  • SweetPicklesSweetPickles Posts: 850Registered Users
    Offering you many, many {{{HUGS}}}. I have been exactly where you are and it is VERY trying. I don't kid you when I say that Zora spent the first 12 weeks of her life screaming her head off whenever she wasn't sleeping (which was almost never - she once was up for 21 hours straight) or eating. And I spent those 12 weeks mostly crying. I felt like the most horrible mother ever, to have brought someone in the world who clearly was all-miserable-all-the-time and didn't want to be there. It's hard to keep in perspective that it does and will get better, when you're in the moment, but it's true. Zora is not a "needy" child exactly, but she is still incredibly high maintenance. I've learned to accept that's just who she is.

    Feel free to PM me if you ever need/want to vent more or just need some support in getting through this period.
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  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users
    I'll trade ya that cranky baby for a teenager. I'll even include food.

    I loved the cranky baby phase. Most women don't though. It gets better...well, til they turn into teenagers...
  • marielle448marielle448 Posts: 1,823Registered Users
    medussa wrote: »
    I don't know what a mellow baby is.

    As for nursing Luke all the time, with my babies I always say, "when in doubt, whip it out."

    You will get through this stage, CGG.

    Ha I love that!

    When I had my first I thought I was a failure first time mom. Then I quickly realized how high needs he was. Having my second confirmed it, he was totally mellow.

    With my first I remember sitting on the couch nursing when hubby left for work and being in that same spot when he came home. It went on for close to four months before we exited that wonderful adjustment stage. Hang in there, he's trying to find his groove out of the womb and you're trying to find yours as a mom. There's a learning curve and you need to cut yourself some slack. You're still in survival mode and that's okay.
  • curly_keltiecurly_keltie Posts: 791Registered Users
    I have always found the term 'high needs' to be so strange. Ummm - they're newborns and the need you for EVERYTHING!

    To me, all babies are high needs.

    Keep your chin up - there'll be a time when your baby does not want to sit on your lap...but then a minute later, they just want to cuddle.
    Long, blonde, 3a/mostly b hair.

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  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    Hugs. It is hard. I don't know about 'high needs' - I think that's just what all babies do - but for some reason, we get this idea, planted by some lucky (or delusional) mothers and experts that there are babies who sleep through the night from birth, nurse every 4 hours, are quite happy to lie by themselves in a play pen all day, etc. etc. etc. I heard so many of those stories and when I called the mothers on it, most of them admitted that they put their kids in another room where they couldn't hear them screaming. Not for me - no way! I have read that those of us who hold and carry and wear the babies all day and nurse on demand are rewarded with babies by age 1 who are more securely attached and cry LESS. So you are doing the right thing, even though it is very hard and YOUR needs seem to be falling by the wayside. Good job, Mama - keep it up!

    I agree - nurse as much as he wants, and use Lansinoh if you have to. Don't worry about how often it is supposed to be or how often someone else thinks you should be feeding - just do it (I love that "when in doubt, whip it out.") Wear him around in the day in some kind of sling or carrier, co-sleep - just keep him close to you.

    As to enjoying this stage, strange as it may seem, and frustrating as it can be, I do enjoy it most of the time. I tell myself that in some ways, this is the easiest time, because I can take him just about anywhere (OK not to the opera or symphony or to clubs, but pretty much anywhere else) and he will stay where I put him and doesn't need to be entertained and is happy to be with me, and he loves me so unconditionally, and I know where he is at all times. On the downside, he wants to eat all the time. I have also had to lower my expectations of things I would like to do besides mothering, and accept that my #1 job right now is him, and the best thing others can do for me is support that and help with some of the other things like grocery shopping etc. etc. etc. When I did that, it made life a lot easier.

    It's a shame you're going back to work so soon - can you delay it? I would also suggest that you find a parenting group (preferably IRL, but they also exist on-line) where you can get support from other mothers. That has saved my life and also helps me to enjoy my baby - when you see all the other sweeties looking adoringly at their mamas, and the mamas telling you how cute your baby is, it makes you see yours in a different light, somehow. Also, find things that your baby loves to do (mine loves a bath, loves music, loves me to dance around with him, loves his daddy flying him in the air like an airplane) because when you watch him laugh and smile and kick his legs, it just lights your world.

    If you are REALLY feeling unhappy, could it be that you have PPD and need to see your doctor?

    Hugs and keep your head up!
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • CurlieGlamourGirlieCurlieGlamourGirlie Posts: 1,198Registered Users
    Thank you thank you thank you!! For all the kind words and commiseration!!

    We had a good day yesterday - went to the city to say Bon Voyage to my sister and the change of environment did us a world of good. A good night of sleeping and he was an angel while we were out.

    Fuzz - I hear you - it sucks to have to go back to work, but honestly, I think the routine will be good for both of us, mentally and physically.

    Medussa - I may have to go to cafepress.com and put that on a tee-shirt!

    Amneris - Luckily I have my sister whose son is 6 months older than Luke - she has been a godsend in terms of listening and whatnot. I don't think it's PPD - just getting out and about with him makes me feel worlds better. I've said any subsequent babies from here on out need to be summer babies so they can get out more often!!

    Thanks everyone for letting me vent and knowing I'm not alone!!! :love7:
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,258Registered Users
    but for some reason, we get this idea, planted by some lucky (or delusional) mothers and experts that there are babies who sleep through the night from birth, nurse every 4 hours, are quite happy to lie by themselves in a play pen all day, etc. etc. etc. I heard so many of those stories and when I called the mothers on it, most of them admitted that they put their kids in another room where they couldn't hear them screaming. Not for me - no way!


    Those kind of babies do exist...I didn't have any of them though. My babies all slept and ate really well, but I worked hard on that schedule...it didn't just happen automatically. And I did it without ever letting them CIO. I had to hold my babies ALL DAY though. It felt like I held (or wore) each of them constantly for a full year, and then suddenly they were down and gone off on their own two feet and I missed holding them. I kinda miss those days of doing everything with a baby on my hip.
  • KaiaKaia Posts: 8,815Registered Users
    I'm sorry you're having a hard time, CGG! We've definitely had a few nights when Dylan wouldn't stop crying, and I just held him and cried with him. I figured it's ok to let go and let him cry as long as I'm there with him and he knows he's not alone. When I felt myself getting frustrated, I'd give him lots of kisses and tell him I loved him. It helped to remind myself how much I love and want this little person, even when he was like that.
    I don't know about 'high needs' - I think that's just what all babies do - but for some reason, we get this idea, planted by some lucky (or delusional) mothers and experts that there are babies who sleep through the night from birth, nurse every 4 hours, are quite happy to lie by themselves in a play pen all day, etc. etc. etc

    Overall, I feel really blessed b/c Dylan tends to be a very mellow baby and hardly ever cries unless he's in some kind of pain. I wouldn't consider him high needs at all, but I guess my standards are lower (more reasonable) than most people. I think he sleeps great. He wakes me up every 3-4 hours to eat, but during those 3-4 hour stretches we both sleep well. During the day, he's very content and takes lots of naps, but I am usually holding or wearing him. I guess some people would say his good behavior "doesn't count" since I'm always holding him, but to me it's just a matter of doing what I need to do to have a happy baby and it's totally worth it. I agree with you that all babies are "high needs" in a sense, and the general public tends to underestimate how much babies need (and then label the babies that demand what they need as "bad babies").
    *Poster formerly known as Bailey422*

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  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    Bailey422 wrote: »
    I'm sorry you're having a hard time, CGG! We've definitely had a few nights when Dylan wouldn't stop crying, and I just held him and cried with him. I figured it's ok to let go and let him cry as long as I'm there with him and he knows he's not alone. When I felt myself getting frustrated, I'd give him lots of kisses and tell him I loved him. It helped to remind myself how much I love and want this little person, even when he was like that.
    I don't know about 'high needs' - I think that's just what all babies do - but for some reason, we get this idea, planted by some lucky (or delusional) mothers and experts that there are babies who sleep through the night from birth, nurse every 4 hours, are quite happy to lie by themselves in a play pen all day, etc. etc. etc

    Overall, I feel really blessed b/c Dylan tends to be a very mellow baby and hardly ever cries unless he's in some kind of pain. I wouldn't consider him high needs at all, but I guess my standards are lower (more reasonable) than most people. I think he sleeps great. He wakes me up every 3-4 hours to eat, but during those 3-4 hour stretches we both sleep well. During the day, he's very content and takes lots of naps, but I am usually holding or wearing him. I guess some people would say his good behavior "doesn't count" since I'm always holding him, but to me it's just a matter of doing what I need to do to have a happy baby and it's totally worth it. I agree with you that all babies are "high needs" in a sense, and the general public tends to underestimate how much babies need (and then label the babies that demand what they need as "bad babies").

    Yes, that's me too - JJ is a perfect angel all day and any time we go out, but he is ALWAYS on my body or in my arms and a lot of people give me the "you're spoiling him" routine. He does sleep well at night in between waking a lot - he doesn't really cry, but he does feed a lot at night, which is tiring - usually every couple of hours. I would not mind every 3-4. But he is a good, non-crying baby - but I still say he is high needs in that he needs to eat a lot and to be with me all the time. He cried a lot more when we first came home from the hospital because it must have been scary for him, and I put him to sleep in a bassinet beside my bed. Within a week, we were co-sleeping and the night crying stopped.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • PhDCowPhDCow Posts: 1,621Registered Users
    Oh, I hated the first three months with a passion. And I dreaded nighttime because I knew the colic would kick in and there'd be nothing but screaming most of the night. Like Geeky said, go right ahead and complain about it. There are times when motherhood does indeed suck.

    It will get better eventually!
    God doesn't give special kids to special parents. He takes ordinary, imperfect people, and gifts them with his greatest treasures. And therein, he creates special parents.

  • cajuncurlscajuncurls Posts: 270Registered Users
    I am definitely the mother of a "demanding" baby. She totally wore me out the first few months (and I had to go back to work at 5 weeks!) and she's still a handful. She's 6 months and 2 weeks, and simply will not lay down. At all. She hates, hates hates her infant seat. She has to be on someone or sitting up playing (and keep the toys moving, cause she gets bored quickly). A few days ago I was eating in a restaurant and Elli was in the wooden high chair playing and eating rice, and the couple next to us asked how old she was. The lady pointed to an infant carrier on the floor and said "He's 7 months." He was laying there letting his parents eat a meal in peace! My kid was hollering and blowing rice on the table and practically swinging from the ceiling fans.
    I call her "high-strung," which is better than "Pre-ADHD"!
    The good news is, though she takes no naps during the day, she sleeps from 7 p.m. until 6 a.m. without fail.
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  • curly_keltiecurly_keltie Posts: 791Registered Users
    Amneris - Don't feel like you can't bring your DS to the symphony. I took DS to a performance out in Victoria, BC when he was almost 7 months old. He barely made any noise and, in fact, fell asleep during Beethoven's 9th Symphony. I was ready to zip out of there in case he made any kind of fuss.
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  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Amneris - Don't feel like you can't bring your DS to the symphony. I took DS to a performance out in Victoria, BC when he was almost 7 months old. He barely made any noise and, in fact, fell asleep during Beethoven's 9th Symphony. I was ready to zip out of there in case he made any kind of fuss.

    I brought my first one to movies all the time. And I think I'm going to bring the second one to his first movie this weekend. Not the symphony, I know, but...:laughing7:

  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    Amneris - Don't feel like you can't bring your DS to the symphony. I took DS to a performance out in Victoria, BC when he was almost 7 months old. He barely made any noise and, in fact, fell asleep during Beethoven's 9th Symphony. I was ready to zip out of there in case he made any kind of fuss.

    Ours has a rule - no kids under 5 except for kids' programs. Otherwise I would!
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • inheritedcurlsinheritedcurls Posts: 2,954Registered Users
    Lots of Hugs!!! My son was a high needs baby. He still is somewhat. Hang in there. It does get easier. :)

    I found the swing was a huge help with my little one. About the only thing he would go to sleep in other than my arms.
  • medussamedussa Posts: 12,993Registered Users
    The sounds aren't too loud for their little ears?
  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    medussa wrote: »
    The sounds aren't too loud for their little ears?

    Mine likes it! He has been at opera rehearsals with me (in utero and after the birth) with full orchestra, and he's been to community events with DJs pumping the sound and live drummers, and he laughs and smiles and dances.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Posts: 17,495Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Amneris wrote: »
    medussa wrote: »
    The sounds aren't too loud for their little ears?

    Mine likes it! He has been at opera rehearsals with me (in utero and after the birth) with full orchestra, and he's been to community events with DJs pumping the sound and live drummers, and he laughs and smiles and dances.

    Mine slept through most of the movies. We're a VERY loud family so they're used to it.

  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    Amneris wrote: »
    medussa wrote: »
    The sounds aren't too loud for their little ears?

    Mine likes it! He has been at opera rehearsals with me (in utero and after the birth) with full orchestra, and he's been to community events with DJs pumping the sound and live drummers, and he laughs and smiles and dances.

    Mine slept through most of the movies. We're a VERY loud family so they're used to it.

    Exactly! Having 20 Caribbean people laughing and screaming in your ears makes an orchestra sound like a lullaby!
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • medussamedussa Posts: 12,993Registered Users
    Amneris wrote: »
    Amneris wrote: »

    Mine likes it! He has been at opera rehearsals with me (in utero and after the birth) with full orchestra, and he's been to community events with DJs pumping the sound and live drummers, and he laughs and smiles and dances.

    Mine slept through most of the movies. We're a VERY loud family so they're used to it.

    Exactly! Having 20 Caribbean people laughing and screaming in your ears makes an orchestra sound like a lullaby!

    :lol:
  • mad scientistmad scientist Posts: 3,530Registered Users
    ((Hugs))

    DS was born screaming and didn't stop until he was about 3 months old. Then he morphed into one of the happiest calmest babies ever (that phase ended eventually, mind you)! So there is hope.

    Feel free to complain. Feel free to pass baby off to DH or who ever else can help, and walk out of the room. Crying baby will still be there when you get back.
  • subbrocksubbrock Posts: 8,212Registered Users
    my baby sounds similar to yours. shes 7 months old and can be an evil tyrant who rules with an iron fist. and apparently we're becoming better peons. instead of an all out cry, all she has to do is grunt and we do her bidding.


    oh and as far as the concerts/orchestras go, we took the boss baby with us to a piano recital a few days ago and she enjoyed it. we sat in the very last row so that we could easily slip out if need be. surprisingly she made it through the entire two hours. it wasnt too loud either, but everytime there was applause it startled her a bit.
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