Regret Not Having Kids?

ZinniaZinnia Registered Users Posts: 7,339
Does anyone regret not having kids, even if at some point you didn't want any?

I am 35 and 99.9% sure I don't want to have kids. Sometimes, I wonder if I will regret this decision as I approach menopause.
Life shrinks or expands according to one's courage. Anais Nin
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  • wild~hairwild~hair Registered Users Posts: 9,890 Curl Neophyte
    I feel like I'm going to regret not having kids, if that counts. I'm 38, single, not dating currently. And the good ones are few and far between. Most stable, ready men in my age range are already taken.

    sigh

    I've pretty much wanted kids since I was in my mid-20s, so it hasn't been an issue deciding whether or not to do it, just figuring out how. I've determined I don't want to go it alone, so now I'm trying to get comfortable with maybe not having any or possibly adopting someday.
  • ZinniaZinnia Registered Users Posts: 7,339
    wild~hair wrote: »
    I feel like I'm going to regret not having kids, if that counts. I'm 38, single, not dating currently. And the good ones are few and far between. Most stable, ready men in my age range are already taken.

    sigh

    This is my life. Your thoughts above mirror my thoughts.

    I babysit a three-year old once or twice a month and she is sooo cute. When I am with her, I sometimes think that I want to have a kid...but I don't want to go at it alone either.
    Life shrinks or expands according to one's courage. Anais Nin
  • jeepcurlygurljeepcurlygurl Registered Users, Curl Ambassador Posts: 20,731 Curl Virtuoso
    I've never regretted it for a second. I knew by the time I was 10 that I didn't want to have kids and that feeling has never changed. I don't know if that's unusual or not. I know a few people who regret HAVING kids tho.
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  • ShrekLoverShrekLover Registered Users Posts: 2,551 Curl Neophyte
    Mostly I don't regret it. I've never enjoyed being around children much and have never had a strong maternal instinct. I would like grandchildren however. I do feel very blessed to have a happy marriage.

    I sometimes worry about loneliness when I am really old, but my mother who is 81, has 4 kids and is still very social (people love her), told me that she and her friends have found that having kids is no guarantee of not being lonely.
  • love yourself firstlove yourself first Registered Users Posts: 5,398
    sdc wrote: »
    I sometimes worry about loneliness when I am really old, but my mother who is 81, has 4 kids and is still very social (people love her), told me that she and her friends have found that having kids is no guarantee of not being lonely.

    This is reassuring to hear, although sounds like maybe a bit of a guilt trip from your mother? maybe it is her friends thinking that and not her. Anyway, I am the sort of person who will probably always go out of my way to have people in my life. The energy and communication we share is about the only "guarantee" I can imagine. Still, I value my own family and cherish my parents.

    I relate very strongly to Windlflower and Wild~hair's posts re aging, no good men left and not wanting to have children alone. I also love other people's kids and they seem to really enjoy me and give me real warmth. It's a great feeling. But I've never felt that strong urge to marry-and-have-kids. I just never felt it. I don't think I'm well suited for it, though I admire women who do it. Something in me doesn't want it enough, though it is still technically possible. I feel that if it's meant to happen, it will. Otherwise, I'll adapt and find other ways to have a full, meaningful and supported life.
    "Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."
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  • munchkinmunchkin Registered Users Posts: 2,909 Curl Connoisseur
    I always thought I would have them but didn't dwell on not having them. I have been happy with my life without children but would have been happy with them too. I do worry (not for someone to take care of us) that if we live to a ripe old age and one of us dies the other one might be awfully lonely. I think having children and grandchildren can be very comforting.
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  • rouquinnerouquinne Registered Users Posts: 13,737 Curl Connoisseur
    i went through a period of wanting children somewhere around my 30th birthday. maybe my biological clock was trying to tell me something, because 2 years later i learned my chances of ever becoming pregnant were slim and then a few years after that, 99% unlikely it could happen at all.

    a month after the doctor told me that, mr. rouquin walked out on me. even though i had told him when we started getting serious a couple of years before that having children was a slim possibility.

    i don't think i would have been a good parent anyway, so it's just as well.
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  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,060 Administrator
    When I was a teenager, I assumed I would have children-- it was just a given. But as time went by, I realized that although I like kids, I don't have a strong pull towards having children of my own. I don't at all regret not having children.

    I do worry about who will look after me when I lose my marbles some day, as I am looking after my dad now! But having kids does not guarantee that they will look after you anyway.

    I took out long-term care insurance on myself this past year.
  • ShrekLoverShrekLover Registered Users Posts: 2,551 Curl Neophyte
    sdc wrote: »
    I sometimes worry about loneliness when I am really old, but my mother who is 81, has 4 kids and is still very social (people love her), told me that she and her friends have found that having kids is no guarantee of not being lonely.

    This is reassuring to hear, although sounds like maybe a bit of a guilt trip from your mother? maybe it is her friends thinking that and not her. Anyway, I am the sort of person who will probably always go out of my way to have people in my life. The energy and communication we share is about the only "guarantee" I can imagine. Still, I value my own family and cherish my parents.

    I relate very strongly to Windlflower and Wild~hair's posts re aging, no good men left and not wanting to have children alone. I also love other people's kids and they seem to really enjoy me and give me real warmth. It's a great feeling. But I've never felt that strong urge to marry-and-have-kids. I just never felt it. I don't think I'm well suited for it, though I admire women who do it. Something in me doesn't want it enough, though it is still technically possible. I feel that if it's meant to happen, it will. Otherwise, I'll adapt and find other ways to have a full, meaningful and supported life.

    Just want to say one thing. My mother while not the greatest mother, has never been one to guilt trip us. She has said many times that she never wants to live with any of us. She even made a point of saying that she wanted that on record while she was in her right mind.
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Registered Users Posts: 31,259 Curl Connoisseur
    I always, always wanted children, from the time I was a very young girl, so I can't really relate to those who think they have to decide whether to have children or not so that they don't regret it later when it's too late. I do think, however, that raising children is very intensive, and a life-long committment, and it's not for the faint of heart. It's simply not for everyone. If I hadn't felt that really strong maternal urge, I think I might have regretted HAVING children sometimes. Becoming a parent should be done because you really want children, not because you are worried about regretting it later.

    There are many ways to leave your mark in the world, and having children is only one way. There are plenty of abandoned old folks forgotten in nursing homes who actually did have children, so reproducing is not a guarantee of having a built-in caretaker for the declining years.
  • kcurlskcurls Registered Users Posts: 205
    This post is very timely for me. I am 43 and very much want a child. Up until about a year ago, I was completely indifferent to the whole thing. Really, I had absolutely no desire.

    I don't know why this changed, and so completely. It's not about having someone to care for me in my old age...although I do have momentary irrational fears of this. Mostly though, I realize that children give life more meaning. I have a perfectly wonderful life - supportive partner, lovely friends, fine job, yet I realize that, despite all the myriad ways I feel I "give back" to my community, I am living only for myself, and this doesn't feel like enough.

    I don't know what the end of this particular story is...I have friends who have gone the whole technology route, done adoptions - domestic, foreign, open, et al. I know there are still options for me.

    But I guess I am sharing this not to urge anyone to have a child 'before it's too late,' but simply to say, it's amazing to me how intensely this changed for me.

    Jeez, this biology stuff is powerful!
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  • PartyHairPartyHair Registered Users Posts: 7,713
    I'm not going to say I "regret" not having kids. I can't live my life that way.

    Do I wish I'd had kids sometimes? Absolutely. I would have loved to have a baby with my husband. He's a wonderful man who loves his nieces and nephews, and he would've been an amazing dad. And I think I would've been a really good mom.

    I also would've loved to have given my parents another grandbaby - they just have the one - and they're so GOOD at it (I mean, Mom is. And Dad was until he passed away.)

    But my life is my life, and I'm happy, content and satisfied, even without a child. And I'm 42 now, so that ship has pretty much passed me by. I just shower all my maternal love on my nieces and nephews, and the kids of my friends.
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  • SnarlsSnarls Registered Users Posts: 2,537
    So far no regrets, but I think I will have them later, when I'm in my 50s or so. It's OK, though. I have zero interest in babies and raising children. I don't see myself as a mom. So far, no overwhelming biological urges, although I do suffer from "what this house needs is a PUPPY!" madness.

    My mother on the other hand is fairly bitter about the absence of grandchildren and blames me far more than my brother. Grandpuppies aren't doing it for her.
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  • love yourself firstlove yourself first Registered Users Posts: 5,398
    PartyHair wrote: »
    And I'm 42 now, so that ship has pretty much passed me by. I just shower all my maternal love on my nieces and nephews, and the kids of my friends.

    I've got some years before I get there... and no nieces and nephews yet. But my friend's kids do get a lot of my attention and loving auntie care, yes.

    SDC-
    That's cool about your mother. Great to know what she wants and where she stands.
    "Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."
    "I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then we live with that decision."
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  • Curly Girl FlaCurly Girl Fla Registered Users Posts: 1,834 Curl Connoisseur
    When I was young I really did not want children. Career was my goal, however in my early 20s I decided I wanted a kid, but didn't want to deal with a husband. Then, late 20s the husband came along, but he did not want kids, and I was basically on the same page-if it happened, it happened, but I wouldn't be trying. On to the mid 30s when I had surgery and was told I wouldn't be able to have children. I wouldn't say I had regrets, but there was a twinge of disappointment, certainly. Well, after this, or more accurately because of this, I became pregnant at age 38 (I had gone off birthcontrol since it wasn't necessary any more, was it?). I had my second daughter at age 40, and now have a life I would never have imagined, mostly in a very good, fulfilling way. I guess I want to say that I would not have regretted remaining childless-I wouldn't have missed what I've experienced now. But I also want to say that it's really not to late for many who've decided (after serious consideration) that they may want them at an advanced age. It depends on your physical, emotional and I'll throw in financial state (although I don't really have financial security, and I will never be able to retire, but that's ok:-)) Sorry for being so long-winded...
  • love yourself firstlove yourself first Registered Users Posts: 5,398
    But I also want to say that it's really not to late for many who've decided (after serious consideration) that they may want them at an advanced age. It depends on your physical, emotional and I'll throw in financial state (although I don't really have financial security, and I will never be able to retire, but that's ok:-)) Sorry for being so long-winded...

    I didn't find your post to be long-winded, and really appreciate it! I am very career-minded too, always have been this way. I truly agree with the bolded. 43 is the very advanced age for bearing biological children I am setting for myself, although I realize that some women, like Susan Sarandon and Elizabeth Edwards, have had them much later in life than this. 43 gives me some years to actually have it happen, but also a date certain by which I know it is just not going to happen, and I will let it go. Also, wear and tear on the body and having enough energy to run around after a toddler, etc.... At some point, I will just consider that possibility concluded.

    Sounds like you've kind of lived life on both sides, with many years without kids and then having them later in life. I think that's so cool~ You certainly can't say that you missed out on anything that way... You've truly done it all.
    "Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."
    "I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then we live with that decision."
    - Eleanor Roosevelt (both quotes)

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  • kcurlskcurls Registered Users Posts: 205
    Some things to keep in mind about having kids in your 40s. If you've already gotten pregnant (and carried to term, I think), it's a lot easier to get pregnant "naturally" in your 40s. However, if this is your first pregnancy, after 40 the likelihood of you getting preggo naturally plummets. From 40-42, you may be able to use your own eggs, but probably will need some kind of intervention. You may notice the number of twin births in Hollywood - this is due to IVF. After 42, the chances of you having viable eggs goes down quite a bit, and at that point women start looking for donor eggs. One of the things that you can bet on is that actresses in their mid- to late-40s are not using their own eggs - they just don't publicize it.

    There are stats backing up what happens to fertility at different ages, and I used to know them, but this is a rough idea. Anyone feel free to add or correct anything you think is wrong.

    So for women who would like to wait until their 40s, chances are you will probably be using technology to get knocked up. Also know that the technology gets better and better (and more ethically complicated!) each year, so women in their 30s will probably have an easier, and perhaps less expensive, experience, when they are in your 40s.

    For myself, and only myself, if I knew I would have to go through this, I would not have waited.
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  • journotravelerjournotraveler Registered Users Posts: 2,816
    kcurls wrote: »
    Some things to keep in mind about having kids in your 40s. If you've already gotten pregnant (and carried to term, I think), it's a lot easier to get pregnant "naturally" in your 40s. However, if this is your first pregnancy, after 40 the likelihood of you getting preggo naturally plummets. From 40-42, you may be able to use your own eggs, but probably will need some kind of intervention. You may notice the number of twin births in Hollywood - this is due to IVF. After 42, the chances of you having viable eggs goes down quite a bit, and at that point women start looking for donor eggs. One of the things that you can bet on is that actresses in their mid- to late-40s are not using their own eggs - they just don't publicize it.

    There are stats backing up what happens to fertility at different ages, and I used to know them, but this is a rough idea. Anyone feel free to add or correct anything you think is wrong.

    So for women who would like to wait until their 40s, chances are you will probably be using technology to get knocked up. Also know that the technology gets better and better (and more ethically complicated!) each year, so women in their 30s will probably have an easier, and perhaps less expensive, experience, when they are in your 40s.

    For myself, and only myself, if I knew I would have to go through this, I would not have waited.

    i agree with most of this. one thing, though: actually, IVF with your own eggs doesn't work that well once you're in your 40s; older women are less likely to respond well to the meds. women who do get pregant without using donor eggs are more likely to have conceived spontaneously--as have a number of my friends, including one very close friend who had her first at 43 and her second at 45.

    in the past couple of years, i've had a bunch of miscarriages--all natural conceptions. i conceived last year at 45--but unfortunately miscarried at just short of 3 months. we found out that it wasn't an egg issue, either. that was harder than finding out it was due to bad/age-related eggs.

    i'm weird i guess. i married late at 43) and i don't feel like the ship has passed me by. we are looking into adoption. i've always wanted to be a mother, just didn't find the right guy to do it sooner & didn't want to fly solo into parenthood. i do worry about being "old" but i'm youthful & energetic & have a lot to give to a child. i'm just a late bloomer, i guess. :glasses7:
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  • kcurlskcurls Registered Users Posts: 205
    kcurls wrote: »
    Some things to keep in mind about having kids in your 40s. If you've already gotten pregnant (and carried to term, I think), it's a lot easier to get pregnant "naturally" in your 40s. However, if this is your first pregnancy, after 40 the likelihood of you getting preggo naturally plummets. From 40-42, you may be able to use your own eggs, but probably will need some kind of intervention. You may notice the number of twin births in Hollywood - this is due to IVF. After 42, the chances of you having viable eggs goes down quite a bit, and at that point women start looking for donor eggs. One of the things that you can bet on is that actresses in their mid- to late-40s are not using their own eggs - they just don't publicize it.

    There are stats backing up what happens to fertility at different ages, and I used to know them, but this is a rough idea. Anyone feel free to add or correct anything you think is wrong.

    So for women who would like to wait until their 40s, chances are you will probably be using technology to get knocked up. Also know that the technology gets better and better (and more ethically complicated!) each year, so women in their 30s will probably have an easier, and perhaps less expensive, experience, when they are in your 40s.

    For myself, and only myself, if I knew I would have to go through this, I would not have waited.

    i agree with most of this. one thing, though: actually, IVF with your own eggs doesn't work that well once you're in your 40s; older women are less likely to respond well to the meds. women who do get pregant without using donor eggs are more likely to have conceived spontaneously--as have a number of my friends, including one very close friend who had her first at 43 and her second at 45.

    in the past couple of years, i've had a bunch of miscarriages--all natural conceptions. i conceived last year at 45--but unfortunately miscarried at just short of 3 months. we found out that it wasn't an egg issue, either. that was harder than finding out it was due to bad/age-related eggs.

    i'm weird i guess. i married late at 43) and i don't feel like the ship has passed me by. we are looking into adoption. i've always wanted to be a mother, just didn't find the right guy to do it sooner & didn't want to fly solo into parenthood. i do worry about being "old" but i'm youthful & energetic & have a lot to give to a child. i'm just a late bloomer, i guess. :glasses7:

    so sorry to hear of your miscarriages, journotraveler, and thanks for clarifying IVF v. natural conception after 40. I think it's true though that women may need some sort of hormonal/fertility shots in addition even if you are trying to conceive naturally.

    Something else I heard recently, that sperm ages too - motility decreases as men age. This is interesting to me since older women are often seen as the sole cause of infertility, but over-40s men have their own issues, too.

    good luck with your adoption journey - that's an wonderful, intense path also!
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    Day 2: Pineapple, no product.

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  • ZinniaZinnia Registered Users Posts: 7,339
    i'm weird i guess. i married late at 43) and i don't feel like the ship has passed me by. we are looking into adoption. i've always wanted to be a mother, just didn't find the right guy to do it sooner & didn't want to fly solo into parenthood. i do worry about being "old" but i'm youthful & energetic & have a lot to give to a child. i'm just a late bloomer, i guess. :glasses7:

    I am also a late bloomer...nothing wrong with that. :tongue5: If I ever get married, it will be later in life...
    Life shrinks or expands according to one's courage. Anais Nin
  • SuburbanbushbabeSuburbanbushbabe Registered Users Posts: 15,402 Curl Neophyte
    I always, always wanted children, from the time I was a very young girl, so I can't really relate to those who think they have to decide whether to have children or not so that they don't regret it later when it's too late. I do think, however, that raising children is very intensive, and a life-long committment, and it's not for the faint of heart. It's simply not for everyone. If I hadn't felt that really strong maternal urge, I think I might have regretted HAVING children sometimes. Becoming a parent should be done because you really want children, not because you are worried about regretting it later.

    There are many ways to leave your mark in the world, and having children is only one way. There are plenty of abandoned old folks forgotten in nursing homes who actually did have children, so reproducing is not a guarantee of having a built-in caretaker for the declining years.

    Good post. It's a point of deep pain that having children was not right for me, and sadness now that I no longer can. I wish I had had the deep desire to have them. But I didn't. I always knew that I should want them, but was never present enough in my body and mind to be a practical mother. I didn't think parents were a good thing, based on my life experience.
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  • EliciaElicia Registered Users Posts: 881
    i think i always wanted to have kids, but the older i got the more i think i convinced myself that it would be okay if i did not have them .
    i am almost 40, single, and pre-menopausal (i think). It is easier to tell myself (and others ) that i don't care one way or another , than to dwell on missed opportunities
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  • selfcurledgirlselfcurledgirl Registered Users Posts: 518 Curl Connoisseur
    AN interesting topic. I agree with those who mentioned the real maternal desire to have children as a guidepost. I am one of those who always had it. I was very depressed when I was going through fertility treatments and couldn't conceive. The day I received my daughter in Romania, was the happiest in my life. And while there are ups and downs with parenthood, I wish I would have taken two. It adds a lot to my life and we also have the touching and perfect story of finding and introducing our daughter to her birth mom in Romania this summer. My daughter really wanted to meet her and once she did, she is resolved and doesn't even communicate with her. I do through letters. She is a lovely person who now has a husband and son, and is so grateful that we found her, gave Barb a good life and communicate with her. Anyway, all worked out well and my daughter adds a lot to my life. I couldn't have gone through life without a child and I think you have to have that feeling. I went all the way to Romania to fulfill that desire and back a second time for her emotional well being. It has to be in you, I think.
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  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Registered Users Posts: 31,259 Curl Connoisseur
    AN interesting topic. I agree with those who mentioned the real maternal desire to have children as a guidepost. I am one of those who always had it. I was very depressed when I was going through fertility treatments and couldn't conceive. The day I received my daughter in Romania, was the happiest in my life. And while there are ups and downs with parenthood, I wish I would have taken two. It adds a lot to my life and we also have the touching and perfect story of finding and introducing our daughter to her birth mom in Romania this summer. My daughter really wanted to meet her and once she did, she is resolved and doesn't even communicate with her. I do through letters. She is a lovely person who now has a husband and son, and is so grateful that we found her, gave Barb a good life and communicate with her. Anyway, all worked out well and my daughter adds a lot to my life. I couldn't have gone through life without a child and I think you have to have that feeling. I went all the way to Romania to fulfill that desire and back a second time for her emotional well being. It has to be in you, I think.


    That is a lovely story, especially you continuing to keep in touch with the b-mother even though your daughter doesn't feel the need to. I expect you have a bond with the b-mother that is even stronger than your daughter's...you both love the same young woman.

    The materal drive is strong in some women, not so strong in others. Society expects us all to become mothers and it's probably just as tough for someone without a maternal drive to have children as it is for someone with a strong drive to forego children. We should all do what is best for us. If that means bearing or adopting, we should do it. If not, then there is no crime in not parenting.
  • banjocurlbanjocurl Registered Users Posts: 1,031 Curl Connoisseur
    interesting.selfcurl, i love the romania story. i married at 42 -husband is 14 yrs older. i have no kids but 3 stepkids and 5 stepgrandkids and 3 fabulous dogs. i also have a lovely niece and nephew thru marriage. i am an only child and my parents are dead. i wanted kids a lot in my 30s but met a man who had his and did not want any more. so--i dump a guy that loves me and i love to go out on the market with panting ovaries waiting to be impregnated? hmmm that is a sure way to get guys to run the other way so i married a great guy. i had terminated a pregnancy at 26 (conceived while drunk) and never thought that would be my last chance. now at 58 i wish i had that kid. I am glad abortion was safe and legal at the time (1976) and i am very pro choice but do regret not having a kid. OTOH i might have never:
    gotten sober
    ran marathons
    learned to play the banjo
    met my husband
    gone back to grad school
    so the road not taken--well who knows. now i have a nice husband who is older, i try to stay healthy and take care of myself, have lots of young friends, love my stepdaughter and cousins kids, and hope for the best. life is good. regrets-yes, but i do not let them spoil my happiness now.
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    HG: suave and honey for co-wash, deva, i use garnier fructis regular CO's or boots pink or white as leave ins and LA looks sport gel. plop w microfiber turban, then curl towel scrunch, then another turban.i sleep with the turban on. little one minute hair styling videos http://www.youtube.com/user/lazycurls
  • IrishOneIrishOne Registered Users Posts: 15
    I am 47 and went through early meno at age 37 (runs in the family). I never have wanted to have kids. I still don't. The funny thing is that only one of my friends has kids. When I was younger I babysat a lot and didn't like it much, except for the money icon12.gif This is strange. I dated a lot before I got married. I always made it very clear that I did not want children. All of the men I dated either said they didn't want them either, or they didn't care one way or another. Most of them, at this point, are married and all ended up having children. Did they really want them and just didn't tell me, change their minds, or did they just do it because whomever they married want them? Would be interesting to know.
    Tried CG-Didn't Work Out
    Jessicurl Cleansing Cream
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  • mailgirlmailgirl Registered Users Posts: 451
    nope!
    3a/3b/3c/36D


    May the hair gods shine on me (and you!).

    My silly veggie blog: vegefattien
  • luvmylocsluvmylocs Registered Users Posts: 7,578 Curl Neophyte
    i'm almost 34. i really want a baby. i wanted 3 but i'll settle for 2. i think part of the reason i was so upset when my bf and i broke up was because i thought he held the key to marriage and kids. i know he does not. i'm still hoping and praying for my hubby and kids. if the hubby doesn't come along i will probably adopt or go it alone. right now i have two dogs i call my boys but i want children too. i've been told i'd make a great mom by folks who see me with my nephew.
    a dreamy pisces :fish:
    please recycle, it matters...
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  • StephSStephS Registered Users Posts: 352
    I am 35 and 99.9% sure I don't want to have kids.
    Here is a different perspective.

    When I was 35, I was 100% sure I didn't want kids. I even quit teaching and switched careers b/c I realized I could not even stand to be around them. At that time I was newly divorced (less than 2 months) and started seeing someone that I had been friends with for years, who had been divorced about a year. He and his ex tried for 12 years to conceive, and he was told his sperm wasn't viable. I used protection, anyway, of course. Even though neither one of us had been with anyone else since divorcing. But THE ONE TIME we didn't, guess what? And he is a BIG kid lover. I had fallen in love with him, so I caved. Still to this day cannot believe I actually went through with it. I think he thought it was some sort of miracle, but really it just had to do with chemistry - he and his ex had none, and we had it.

    I love my child, would give my life for her (I HAVE, actually), but I have many regrets. I would love a do-over. I have no patience for kids, and I will probably just mess her up. I am trying really hard not to, though. I know I am not cut of the good parenting cloth. Good thing I have him to balance it all out.

    Anyway, she did turn out pretty (and sweet, too):

    DSC01541.jpg
  • ZinniaZinnia Registered Users Posts: 7,339
    steph s,

    she is adorable, and has the prettiest eyes.

    thanks for posting, because i do feel that i just don't have a strong enough urge as some of the other posters has mentioned.

    do your best, and hopefully she will know/feel your love.
    Life shrinks or expands according to one's courage. Anais Nin

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