a guy, hair and my mother

luvmylocsluvmylocs Registered Users Posts: 7,578 Curl Neophyte
okay, so i met this guy on-line. clearly he saw my pics and he pinged me. we've been talking and having good convo and then we met up for the first time last thurs. it was cool. well after that we get to talking again and the subject of hair comes up. he said a few things i found "disappointing"....he was asking me how i came to be natural. i told him the story that is basically i decided to rock my own hair and not relax my hair anymore, i wanted to be me and work with that. i said it more eloquently. anyway, he said that he associated straight hair with femininity, not long hair which i've had and hopefully will have again but straight hair. he also said that he didn't think that naturally curly hair (black) could get as clean as straight hair, well that's totally dumb because my hair is likely cleaner than someone whose hair has been chemically treated and has a ton of product to make it look a certain way....he did tell me he loved my long nails and my height. he really is a nice guy but i just felt disappointed. he's almost 40 and wants to marry and have kids. he asked me if i would be open to doing what my husband wants with my hair (which in this case would probably be to straighten it)...urgh...i didn't fire him but i was sort of put off by this, especially since physically i was like, he's ok but i didn't feel magical sparks physically....he seems like he might be making a concession for my nappy hair. what?

fast forward, i don't know why but i tell my mother an abbreviated version of the story. she says she's surprised i don't encounter that more often (guys wanting me to have straight hair over my nappy hair)....argh...i don't know why i told her. she said i would look cuter with straight hair.

i really do like me and i'm not going to change but i'm just bummed that people are so lame and backwards about black hair. why can't i just wear my hair as it comes out of my head? why do i have to change to be considered feminine?

sort of venting, sort of sharing....any thoughts or comments?
a dreamy pisces :fish:
please recycle, it matters...
i change lives...through fitness
i'm more relaxed being natural
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Comments

  • rouquinnerouquinne Registered Users Posts: 13,737 Curl Connoisseur
    write the loser off!

    seriously!

    *sheesh*

    he gets the Jerkitude of the Year award from me!

    :D
    My blog:

    http://labellatestarossa.blogspot.ca/

    Little Mother of all the Roaches, President-for-Life of the MAC Harlots!
  • PartyHairPartyHair Registered Users Posts: 7,713
    I find the mom thing FAR more disturbing than the guy thing. Honestly, I'd be pissed off at my mom if she said something like that.

    I have no idea why that view is still so pervasive. I expect your mom is a product of her generation, and that she hasn't yet moved into the 21st century.

    *hugs*
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Rock on with your bad self.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Be excellent to each other. ~ Abraham Lincoln

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
  • mayimmayim Registered Users Posts: 2,301
    what a bummer, on both counts. you'd think viewpoints on this stuff would be more evolved by this point, but unfortunately that doesn't seem to be the case, generally. good for you for sticking to who you know you are. i'd definitely write this guy off. seems pretty shallow, to me (also commenting on other physical characteristics you possess, as opposed to you as a person).

    i would want to be with someone who is jazzed by who i am, not already coming up with a laundry list of things they'd want to change about me. and it's more than just physical, in this case. it's philosophical in the way you relate to your hair. it would be cool to find someone who understands and applauds your viewpoint/approach, ya know?

    m
    coarse, thick 3a
    modified cg



    weight.png



  • roseannadanaroseannadana Registered Users Posts: 5,633 Curl Connoisseur
    luvmylocs wrote: »
    she says she's surprised i don't encounter that more often (guys wanting me to have straight hair over my nappy hair)....argh...i don't know why i told her. she said i would look cuter with straight hair.

    She's probably basing this on her own experiences. Women of her generation may have been more inclined to straighten their hair than your generation, as that was what was considered fashionable.

    You have got to get more comfortable with your own feelings and not put so much stock into others view of beauty. Natural is very beautiful and feminine!

    Oh, and the guy is a loser. He sounds entirely too hung up on appearances. He liked your nails, didn't care for your hair, etc. I see red flags all over this one. Especially the comment about doing what "your husband wants".

    Run, dear, run.

    I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
  • KaiaKaia Registered Users Posts: 8,815 Curl Connoisseur
    I would write off any guy that wants to control how you wear your hair. It's just hair, for goodness sake, why does he care that much? Well, I know exactly why he cares, but it's absolutely ridiculous. I also find the suggestion that your hair isn't clean very offensive. What, because your hair is natural that means you're some sort of nature freak and don't clean yourself? :? Grrrr. What a loser!
    *Poster formerly known as Bailey422*

    Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. ~ George Carlin
  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,060 Administrator
    Curly hair isn't as clean...uh, ok. Makes no sense.

    You met him once and he's asking if you'd "be open to doing what my husband wants with my hair?" Kinda odd so early in the relationship. I'd have asked if he'd be open to a wife who likes herself as she is and chooses to keep her natural hair.

    Lots of people associate straight hair with feminity. There will always be resistance to bucking the status quo. Oh well keep doing it until the status quo changes.

    Sorry moms wasn't supportive - she sounds like my mom. I think people of a certain age feel this way especially. It's like the Black Power movement 21st century style (Ok it's like what I've read about that period)...curls are to today what the afro was then: a symbol of something to many people. Some see rebellion, others see freedom.
  • luvmylocsluvmylocs Registered Users Posts: 7,578 Curl Neophyte
    yeah i told him this isn't like that movie weird science where you go in the lab and create a woman.....he really does seem like me and appreciate him for being honest but i'm still well....disappointed....
    a dreamy pisces :fish:
    please recycle, it matters...
    i change lives...through fitness
    i'm more relaxed being natural
  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Banned Users Posts: 24,963 Curl Neophyte
    lol @ pinging...IT guy at work sent a note about IT stuff and jokingly said pinging..I just knew he was gonna take ish for that & later he sent another email around explaining pinging...too funny :laughing7:

    And, yes, run!
    And, yes, that is the older generation...keep doin' yer thang, girl! :)

    And have you seen Kelly LeBrock lately?
    I kid...
    
  • gggg Registered Users Posts: 1,865
    Find someone who will accept you as you are.
    You don't have to blow out my flame to make yours burn brighter.

    When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.

    How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
  • luvmylocsluvmylocs Registered Users Posts: 7,578 Curl Neophyte
    you girls are the best!! i feel better already. i am going to pray for man that is excited about me as i am...not the "parts" of me.
    a dreamy pisces :fish:
    please recycle, it matters...
    i change lives...through fitness
    i'm more relaxed being natural
  • jcejce Registered Users Posts: 512 Curl Connoisseur
    Definitely write the guy off if he can't deal with natural hair. That would be a deal breaker for me.

    Sorry your mom wasn't more supportive. My mother also thinks I look good with straight hair. Just last week, I straightened for the kick of it and so I wouldn't have to wet it down during the holidays. Both my mother and a friend were saying how good it looked and why didn't I wear it that way more often. Um, because it took me 45 minutes to flat iron, and it's damaging to my hair. And what, my natural curls don't look good?? But I guess most straighties just don't understand.

    The friend even asked if when I washed my hair it just came out curly. She thought I had just decided to blow dry it that morning. She's known me for several years, and is just now figuring out I'm a natural curly?? Does she really think I'd get (or anyone would give) this much of a perm on a regular basis?
    3b/c normally, 3a/b in the winter

  • subbrocksubbrock Registered Users Posts: 8,212
    luvmylocs wrote: »
    why can't i just wear my hair as it comes out of my head? why do i have to change to be considered feminine?


    you can wear your hair just as it comes out of your head! you dont have to change it to be considered feminine! hes a loser. he cant "really like you" and hate your hair all at the same time, especially considering youve explained to him your why you do wear your hair the way you do.

    my SO can be an awful person sometimes, but one thing i do love about him is that he LOVES my hair in its natural state. and there are soooooooooo many men out there who love a black woman's natural hair texture. i want to go fight this guy now:thumbdown:
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Registered Users Posts: 31,259 Curl Connoisseur
    Someone who doesn't like a physical aspect of you, doesn't really care about you. He is trying to mold you into something he wants, not accept you as you are. Don't put up with that...there are too many other decent guys out there.

    Until I came to this board, I really wasn't aware of the issues black women face about natural hair. I just didn't know that other black people would take such offense if a black woman chose to wear her curls, but apparently it's quite common. I'd tell the guy goodbye, but I'm not sure what you can say to your mom. That had to hurt.
  • afrosheenqueenafrosheenqueen Registered Users Posts: 5,400 Curl Connoisseur
    There was a poster who stated once that we as women need to start asking ourselves if the man is what we want. It really made me take the power to control my own destiny when it comes to men. I think too many women bend themselves over backwards to meet the needs of men and never ask ourselves if he is what we personally want for ourselves. He can't seem to deal with you as yourself so I would move on. No second thoughts.

    I've seen your pics and you are beautiful. Being straight or curly wouldn't change that.
    4a/b Texlaxed hair w/ highlights. Medium texture & high porosity.

    HG's: CJ Daily Fix, Bobeam Cheris Hibiscus shampoo bar, KC Spiral Spritz, Knot Today, CJ Rehab, KBB LL Hair Mask, Cassia, KCCC, oil blend of Avocado, Camellia, Jojoba, & Meadowfoam oils

    SL APL BSL MBL
  • spiderlashes5000spiderlashes5000 Registered Users Posts: 17,898 Curl Virtuoso
    I think I would have seriously lost it on that guy! What he said would not only have been personally offensive to me but also what I'd consider across-the-board racist. I would have had to tell him about himself...before I fired him. What a turn off. Should we all bleach our skin, too, so we look clean and feminine? Give me a freaking break.:rolleyes:
  • KrazyblondegurlKrazyblondegurl Registered Users Posts: 1,008
    I've seen your pics and you are beautiful. Being straight or curly wouldn't change that.


    Agreed! You're very pretty regardless. Even so the guy sounds controlling. Most secure men love a confident woman above all.
  • wyldchildcurlswyldchildcurls Users Awaiting Email Confirmation Posts: 393
    I can't believe he had the nerve to ask you that. It is your hair and your decision how it should be worn not his decision or your future husband's. You are not a dress up doll whose appearance should be altered depending on the man in your life's likes or dislikes.
    Be you and change the man not yourself.
  • luvmylocsluvmylocs Registered Users Posts: 7,578 Curl Neophyte
    I've seen your pics and you are beautiful. Being straight or curly wouldn't change that.


    Agreed! You're very pretty regardless. Even so the guy sounds controlling. Most secure men love a confident woman above all.

    thanks to both of you, well all of you! i'm not going to get discouraged but it is sort of sad....

    as for my mother, i'd sort of learned there are some off limit topics this being one of them but i had a temporary lapse of insanity thinking she would understand as i discussed it with her. her views won't change so it's best to not discuss it with her but yes, it does hurt that she's so negative about my hair but hey, that's what i have you girls in my life for, to be my rays of sunshine :wink:
    a dreamy pisces :fish:
    please recycle, it matters...
    i change lives...through fitness
    i'm more relaxed being natural
  • Ela234Ela234 Registered Users Posts: 139
    that happened to me....in a round about way. this guy told me I looked familiar to him. it turns out that we had a class together. I explained to him that I'd been wearing my hair curly (when I was talking to him it was straight) and he replied that I looked better with it straight. which i guess he thought was a compliment- in a weird kind of way...
    "Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
    But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised."
    Proverbs 31:30
  • ursulaursula Registered Users Posts: 1,461 Curl Neophyte
    I think I would have seriously lost it on that guy! What he said would not only have been personally offensive to me but also what I'd consider across-the-board racist. I would have had to tell him about himself...before I fired him. What a turn off. Should we all bleach our skin, too, so we look clean and feminine? Give me a freaking break.

    I love this! I know, right? How can the way a woman looks naturally be unfeminine? I really do think that this attitude is not nearly as much of a problem among socially enlightened, intellectual men (i.e., men who are able to see and think about racism, including self-directed racism).

    I can understand your disappointment, luvmylocs, but now you can clear the way for someone more worthy to come into your life!
    In search of a lost signature...
  • cymprenicympreni Registered Users Posts: 9,609 Curl Neophyte
    So let me get this straight (no pun intended). He critiqued your appearance to your face, in so many words told you your hair was not clean, and brought up marriage and asked if you would obey your husband wishes about how you look, all on a first date or did I misread?


    I had a boyfriend who preferred straight hair once. He was always nagging me about it, until I told him I preferred men who wax off all their body hair. that shut him up fast.
  • rouquinnerouquinne Registered Users Posts: 13,737 Curl Connoisseur
    cympreni wrote: »
    I had a boyfriend who preferred straight hair once. He was always nagging me about it, until I told him I preferred men who wax off all their body hair. that shut him up fast.

    oooh, do we have a 'high-five' smiley-face!

    :toothy7:
    My blog:

    http://labellatestarossa.blogspot.ca/

    Little Mother of all the Roaches, President-for-Life of the MAC Harlots!
  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Banned Users Posts: 24,963 Curl Neophyte
    rouquinne wrote: »
    cympreni wrote: »
    I had a boyfriend who preferred straight hair once. He was always nagging me about it, until I told him I preferred men who wax off all their body hair. that shut him up fast.

    oooh, do we have a 'high-five' smiley-face!

    :toothy7:
    highfive.gif
    And, no, I cannot think for myself...pow!!
    
    :laughing7:
  • sew and sewsew and sew Registered Users Posts: 3,443
    luvmylocs wrote: »
    you girls are the best!! i feel better already. i am going to pray for man that is excited about me as i am...not the "parts" of me.

    So glad this is how you're feeling. It's weird to me he had those requests (in a sense) and especially that he would voice them early on. Besides everything else said here, I honestly might wonder if he has a controlling personality. If it's about your hair by the first date, what is it after five years of marriage? That would scare me.

    About the straight hair being feminine or in vogue, it's sad because in another time, that wouldn't be the impression at all. It's all about what's been vogue in our exposure, but people need to see beyond that. At some point in time (and likely someplace right now) natural hair like that is celebrated. I find long wavy-straight hair femminine and sexy myself, but I just wish more people would realize why they do has to do with culture and society, that way you realize more things around you that are beautiful in of themselves. I agree with whoever took into consideration your mom's generation, because that would have a lot do with her feedback.
    “It was only a sunny smile and little it cost in the giving but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald

    3B ■ Medium/Course ■ High Porosity
  • wavezncurlzwavezncurlz Registered Users Posts: 1,814
    I've seen your pics and you are beautiful. Being straight or curly wouldn't change that.


    Agreed! You're very pretty regardless. Even so the guy sounds controlling. Most secure men love a confident woman above all.

    Girl, you are fierce. Beautiful. Any man who cannot see this (with your hair styled in any way) is blind. This guy is superficial for him to dictate your hairstyle.
    HAIRCOLLAGE2010-1-1.jpg[

    mini-album w/ various styles for the past 10 years of natural hair:
    http://s29.photobucket.com/albums/c252/wavezncurlz/hair/
    password: curlzorwavez
  • solangesolange Registered Users Posts: 2,539
    I can so relate to your post!!

    My first experience being natural was in college and my then bf and I fought bitterly over it, pretty much everyday!! He was very hurtful in his comments and like a fool I started relaxing again after a couple of months.

    That guy you dated was very ignorant and boderline creepy for even asking hypothetical questions about your future husband.

    My mother has serious issues about texture. She comes from a long line of straight haired people and cannot relate to my 3C hair at all. I have the kinkiest head in the family and she has never gotten over it. She takes my choice to go natural as a rebellion, not just me trying to be myself.

    She has never had one positive thing to say about my natural hair. Ever. She will go on and on about how much prettier I look when my hair is straight. I have learned to just ignore her.

    I think that you are a beautiful strong woman and you shouldn't take crap off of any guy that doesn't accept you as is.
    3C, BSL Unstretched -
  • NetGNetG Registered Users Posts: 8,116
    luvmylocs wrote: »
    he really is a nice guy but i just felt disappointed.

    This was the most disturbing part of your post to me.

    He is NOT a nice guy. A nice guy would accept that you may or may not be the right person for him, but would absolutely not be trying to change you to his image or perfection. Especially this quickly. You need to adjust your attitude about it! Someone can have different preferences than you do, but if he is criticizing you like that, he's NOT nice. Absolutely not.
    The pews never miss a sermon but that doesn't get them one step closer to Heaven.
    -Speckla

    But at least the pews never attend yoga!
  • geekygeeky Registered Users Posts: 4,995
    NetG wrote: »
    luvmylocs wrote: »
    he really is a nice guy but i just felt disappointed.

    This was the most disturbing part of your post to me.

    He is NOT a nice guy. A nice guy would accept that you may or may not be the right person for him, but would absolutely not be trying to change you to his image or perfection. Especially this quickly. You need to adjust your attitude about it! Someone can have different preferences than you do, but if he is criticizing you like that, he's NOT nice. Absolutely not.

    Agreed. He saw your picture with natural hair, then on the first date told you he did not like your hair but liked your height and your long nails - he does not see you as a human being but as a collection of body parts, and he lacks the sense to keep his mouth shut about it. That is not how nice guys behave.

    The right guy will thunk your hair is awesome as is. Or he will like the total you so much that he won't care about the hair.
    To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
    I pray none of you ever has to live in a communist state.

    Geeky is my hero. She's the true badass. The badass who doesn't even need to be a badass. There aren't enough O's in cool to describe her.
  • luvmylocsluvmylocs Registered Users Posts: 7,578 Curl Neophyte
    you girls are all so right. yes he basically saw me in very recent pics, talked to me for almost 2 weeks on the phone and then we went out after that date on the phone the next time we talked he brought up my hair. ironically i did go to breakfast him yesterday morning and he "raved" about my beautiful complexion and how i was the "perfect shade of brown". in light of everything you girls have pointed out it makes it even more weird that he's commenting on my skin tone even though it was a compliment.

    this is another strange thing that happened that made me think he has skin color issues maybe too. i was showing him a pic of my dogs, it's the one on my site where they are sitting right by each other. he said "so is the light skinned one named trucker or myles?" i've never heard someone call a dog light skinned or dark skinned. he said it twice, i was shocked....oh well.

    i honestly believe he's probably just ignorant about hair and skin and some self-love. he told me that he had an s-curl (a chemical process) until 2000/2001. so he probably is just unenlightened not evil but probably nor for me, oh well....

    thanks girls!
    a dreamy pisces :fish:
    please recycle, it matters...
    i change lives...through fitness
    i'm more relaxed being natural
  • rouquinnerouquinne Registered Users Posts: 13,737 Curl Connoisseur
    based on what you've just added... run, run, run... don't see him again.

    he's just weird!!!!
    My blog:

    http://labellatestarossa.blogspot.ca/

    Little Mother of all the Roaches, President-for-Life of the MAC Harlots!

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