the man is afraid of vagina's now...*adult*

subbrocksubbrock Posts: 8,212Registered Users
okay, since the birth of my daughter, i have had no sex life. the 1st few months i just wanted nothing to do with it even though the man did. and now i do and it seems like he wants nothing to do with it. i flat out asked him what the deal was (ive never had this problem before so its kind of shocking/devastating!) and he said that sex is "funny". he basically freaked out and said he didnt want to talk about it and ran away.

i cant understand what "funny" could possibly mean so i ask for more clarification. well he tells me that its "funny" because im a mom now. wtf??? i asked him does that mean he wants to have sex with people who arent moms and he says no. then i ask him if he is a dad and does that gross him out and he replies acknowledges that yes he is a dad but that doesnt gross him out. after more prodding, he tried to explain to me that i have a vagina and so does the baby. hes trying to explain to me something about when he changes her diaper...but i didnt get it. so im coming to the conclusion that since he changes the baby's diaper, hes noticed that she has a vagina. i too have a vagina. somehow they are related and freaking him out.

is this normal????? should i honestly believe this or could it be something else??? when i try to discuss it with him he gets all flustered and embarassed and literally runs away from me. so i hate to drag out the discussion because it obviously makes him more uncomfortable than ive EVER seen him, but he hates to talk about it. at some point in my life, id like to have sex again. preferably in the near future. any advice?


  • DelmaDelma Posts: 1,121Registered Users
    Did you have natural child birth? was he present?

    I'm only asking cause the way my SO describes when his son was born:eek: makes me see how a man might be a little vagina leery after seeing a natural birth upclose and personal.
  • FieryCurlsFieryCurls Posts: 2,904Registered Users
    Have you asked him if he thought the vagina was "funny" when he was interested in sex and you weren't?

  • SuburbanbushbabeSuburbanbushbabe Posts: 15,402Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    after more prodding, he tried to explain to me that i have a vagina and so does the baby. hes trying to explain to me something about when he changes her diaper...but i didnt get it.

    Kudos to him for being honest with you even though neither he nor you are sure of what he means. Does he have a therapist? It might be good to talk about it on a short term basis. Definitely has something to do with his daughter and sexuality, maybe he has trouble separating the two? Who knows? He's a guy.
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  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,259Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    after more prodding, he tried to explain to me that i have a vagina and so does the baby. hes trying to explain to me something about when he changes her diaper...but i didnt get it. so im coming to the conclusion that since he changes the baby's diaper, hes noticed that she has a vagina. i too have a vagina. somehow they are related and freaking him out.

    I don't think I'd let him get away without explaining the above statement fully. Frankly, it freaks me out that he's equating something sexual to the baby's genitalia.
  • FieryCurlsFieryCurls Posts: 2,904Registered Users
    I agree with RCW...I would definitely continue to push him to explain what he means. You have a child together and I assume that you are in a serious relationship with him, so he should give you an answer to a very important issue.

  • subbrocksubbrock Posts: 8,212Registered Users
    yes he was there when i gave birth, naturally. i asked him is that what it know, seeing a person coming out of me. i can imagine that would be pretty shocking. but he said thats no. thats when the whole diaper thing came out.

    and i think its the exact opposite of what youre saying RCW...from the little he is telling me, he now sees it as a completely nonsexual area. which is not a good thing for me:angry7:
  • FieryCurlsFieryCurls Posts: 2,904Registered Users
    But he was changing your daughter's diapers when he was interested in sex and you weren't, wasn't he? Have you asked him about that?

  • medussamedussa Posts: 12,993Registered Users
    My first thought was Madonna-Whore Complex, until he mentioned your daughter. He sounds confused about what he's feeling.

    I came across this article. Take a look and continue dialoging with him. Good luck.
  • CynaminbearCynaminbear Posts: 4,476Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    He needs another man he can talk to who can understand his reluctance. I can't imagine how torn up he must feel.
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  • M2LRM2LR Posts: 8,630Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I also find it odd that he thinks sex is funny, and likens it to having had a baby girl, and changing her diapers and all of that. I mean, I can SORT OF see what he means, but I can't imagine that it would bother him enough to not want to have sex, or be turned off by vaginae and all of that.

    I will have to ask my husband if he ever had any thoughts about having a girl and sex and see what he says about this.
  • geekygeeky Posts: 4,995Registered Users
    I guess I could see how he would be freaked out. The human psyche is complicated, and not necessarily at all logical.

    Maybe take the vagina out of the equation for a while. Fool around with him, but keep it strictly above the waist as far as you are concerned. Not a permanent solution but maybe if he gets used to seeing you as a sexual person and relating to you in that way again, then he will get over it after a while.
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  • KaiaKaia Posts: 8,815Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    He needs another man he can talk to who can understand his reluctance. I can't imagine how torn up he must feel.

    After reading this thread to my husband, I will have to second that. I think this must be some weird guy thing, and none of us will understand. My husband didn't think it was weird at all and said he can see how it would be weird for your husband. He thinks your husband should talk to a counselor or another man he feels comfortable talking to. He doesn't think he'll be able to really talk about it with you, and he needs to work these feelings out talking to someone else. Good luck, I hope you guys get it worked out soon!
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  • subbrocksubbrock Posts: 8,212Registered Users
    eh boo. must find a man (other than my dad) for him to talk to...
  • curlywavybeautycurlywavybeauty Posts: 223Registered Users
    Sounds like he is having problems dealing with the fact that he has a daughter, and she has a having one too and him knowing what he used to do to it bothers him. I dont think it will last long, he probley just wants to work things out in his mind, but It would probley help if he could talk to someone
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  • rainshowerrainshower Posts: 4,420Registered Users
    i think i understand his issue.

    on the flip side, after breastfeeding my babies, i no longer have sexual nipple stimulation like i used to.

    i mean, i definitely feel sensations and tingling when my husband touches them, but it's not like it used to be.

    whenever he touches my breasts now, the first thing that comes to mind is that i nourished our babies for over 5 years on them. and that totally ruins the nipple-touching mood, if you know what i mean.

    so maybe after seeing you give birth, he has all kinds of thoughts racing in his mind about seeing the practicality of your vagina and seeing your baby girl emerge from it, which may ruin the mood when you want to have sex.

    i'm just reaching.

    and i don't think there's anything shady about his remarks about his daughter and you having vaginas.
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  • SpiderSpider Posts: 3,381Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I'm trying to understand him and in a way I do- he may feel "guilty" about changing and seeing your daughter; was he brought up in a very religious or conservative household, where he was taught sex or touching yourself or anyone else was BAD!!! ? Even though he's a dad now and just attending to your baby's hygenic needs, that old "oh my gosh that's someone's privates!" mentallity could come back, which in effect could transfer to you.

    When I change my son, I don't think of his penis in a sexual way, it's just another part of his body. But if your husband has a thought of your daughter when he tries to think intimately of you, it may be disturbing to him. It's hard to explain.
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  • iris427iris427 Posts: 6,002Registered Users
    Maybe it's like when he looks at his daughter, he realizes that you started out that way too, and that your daughter will one day be a woman too. So maybe it freaks him out to think that one day, some man will be having sex with his daughter like he has sex with you, and that you are someone's daughter too.

    Am I making sense?
  • subbrocksubbrock Posts: 8,212Registered Users
    well, i finally got some. we were both happy about it. after reading all the comments i can see how having a va-jay-jay and the baby having one too would scare him. especially considering that hers is the only one hes ever seen that wasnt for pleasure purposes. as women, we're lucky enough to be exposed to all parts of anatomy at various ages because "one day we'll be moms (or we are moms)". men typically arent selected to change diapers for children who arent biologically theirs.
    it makes me want to write a dissertation on men, childrbirth, and vagina fear. but i'll probably do laundry instead.
  • WileE-DeadWileE-Dead Banned Posts: 24,963Banned Users Curl Neophyte
    and I've been wanting to do one on GPs...haha

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  • melloweermelloweer Posts: 2,308Registered Users
    My husband went through the same thing when my first child was born. He would try to explain why but it never made sense. I finallllllly figured out what was the problem and when I talked to him he stopped being, excuse me, a freak. Anyhow his deal was he was so completely tramatized by actually seing what went on down me...that he couldn't get past it in his mind. He was scared to death to be intimate with me because of what he saw, how um open it gets.....
  • shellibeanshellibean Posts: 4,500Registered Users
    I see nothing shady about his feelings either. I can completely understadn how he could be freaked out by the fact that the same parts of his wife that he enjoys sexually, are the same body parts his baby girl has. He prob thinks it is "yucky" of him to want to enjoy your parts knowing that his daughter has the same ones. I totally get that. Poor guy.

    Oh and I agree about the nipple thing & I only breastfed for a month. :( But yeah, it took awhile to seperate nipples=babyfood adn nipples=fun in my head. I didn't want my husband to touch them at all. That was sicko to me! I think I have pretty much overcome that now though!
    A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.

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  • rainshowerrainshower Posts: 4,420Registered Users
    when my colleague and his wife brought their newborn to work to show her off, his wife was talking about how really upset he gets when people jokingly ask him how old their daughter will be when he'll allow her to date. he said he doesn't even want to think about some gangly boy wanting to take out his baby girl to grope all over her.

    he was turning red and dry-mouthed while saying it. i was laughing at him and told him that he'll eventually come to grips with all of that (knowing full well that my own husband hasn't) and went on to tell him that his baby girl has a uterus. his wife busted out laughing. my colleague was not amused and said, "no she doesn't!" and his wife said, well she's a girl; i hope she does!"


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