Quick Engagements

AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users Curl Neophyte
My friend K met a guy a little over 2 months ago. They dated for only 2 weeks before they started saying "I love you" to each other. At the end of the fourth week of them dating he had to go to some special training for the army. He's been gone for a month and they're already talking marriage. He's been asking her ring size and everything and is planning to propose at Christmas. They've only been dating for 2 months, is that too fast, or am I being skeptical? They've only spent one month together, and the second month they spent apart. I'm just worried that my friend is going to get married too quick and then one day regret it. She also told me last night that they were thinking of getting married this coming June. It just all seems a little sudden to me. IDK, someone give me some perspective on this! I'm honestly just worried for my friend.
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  • Who Me?Who Me? Posts: 3,181Registered Users
    I think it has a lot to do with how old, how mature, and how experienced at both life and dating your friend and her boyfriend are.

    I had a friend who met a guy the summer before our senior year in college. He was an officer in the Army. The basically long-distance dated for about a year, lived in the same place for a month, long distance-dated for a few more months, and then she moved to Germany to be with him. Personally, I can't imagine moving around the world to be with someone I'd only spend about 1 month in person with!!! But it was right for them. They're happily married now.
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  • BiancaBianca Posts: 2,492Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I try to keep it in perspective like this:

    If the guy I'm dating is 28, I cannot possibly know enough about a person whose had 28 years of life experiences to marry them after just two months.

    To me that's like skimming the Cliff's Notes version of a book and claiming that you've read it and know all the important details. I know that's kind of an abstract and slightly ridiculous way to think about it but it's what works for me.

    I've known people who've gotten engaged after what I would think is a very short amount of time and they seem to be fine. I guess sometimes you just "connect" with someone right a way and you're willing to learn more about them as you go along in your marriage.
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  • AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    She is 23 and he's 22. She keeps telling me she knows for sure he's "the one" but she's said that about at least 2 of her previous boyfriends. I guess I'm just skeptical and worried for her.
  • gggg Posts: 1,865Registered Users
    Everyone if different. I wouldn't do it but for some people they feel it's right so I can't tell them not to. It's their life they have to live it the way they see fit.
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  • StarrwithoutniteStarrwithoutnite Posts: 1,732Registered Users
    seems about par for course with a military couple :)
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  • AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Oh I mean I'm fully supportive of my friend, and I like the guy too, he's a real sweetheart. I just figured they'd take more time, that's all. I definitely don't plan on saying anything derogatory about their relationship to either of them, or anyone else for that matter. I just wanted to see if my being worried was over the top, or if I was right to be a little concerned.
  • BiancaBianca Posts: 2,492Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    seems about par for course with a military couple :)

    I was going to say the same thing. It seems like people in the military get married quickly and very young. I wonder why that is?
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  • NotBradPittNotBradPitt Posts: 203Registered Users
    She is 23 and he's 22. She keeps telling me she knows for sure he's "the one" but she's said that about at least 2 of her previous boyfriends. I guess I'm just skeptical and worried for her.
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  • RednaturalcurlsRednaturalcurls Posts: 1,814Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I had a quick engagement. We dated 3 months when we decided to get married and got married 3 months after that. Did I know everything about him when we got married? No. But then I don't think I know every detail about him now and we have been married 9 years. I don't think you ever know everything about a person. He still surprises me sometimes with little details I didn't know about him and I probably do him as well. But our basic personalities get along well and we hold the same beliefs on all the big issues. You have to knowingly make the commitment to be together through good times and bad and be willing to work together as a team. It can work. Not saying it is best for everyone but it worked for us.
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  • NotBradPittNotBradPitt Posts: 203Registered Users
    She is 23 and he's 22. She keeps telling me she knows for sure he's "the one" but she's said that about at least 2 of her previous boyfriends. I guess I'm just skeptical and worried for her.

    Girls that age are so........I can't even describe. In college I had 4 girls tell me that they knew from the first time they met me I was the one they were going to marry. None of them were right. Almost happened with one. We were way to young and immature and it would have been a disaster.
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  • twirlacurltwirlacurl Posts: 100Registered Users
    DH and I met at a nightclub in August 1985. Three months later he bought an engagement ring and asked me to marry him a month after that.

    I said yes, we got married a year to the day we met.

    We have been married for 20 years now and I do NOT regret one thing!

    He is the love of my life :love1:

    Best wishes to your friend and her fiance!
  • MeghuneyMeghuney Posts: 4,263Registered Users
    I don't think it's a big deal. Sometimes, you just know.
  • pinksugarpinksugar Posts: 2,346Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I agree with Meg, sometimes you just know.

    My husband and I got engaged 5 months after we started dating. We've been married 14 years in February (together 15). Oh, I was 22 when we married, he was 26.
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,259Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    There are no guarantees with long or short-term engagements. My ex-husband and I dated for 2 years, were engaged for a year, got married, and split within 3 years. My current husband and I met in March, living together by April, moved across the country together (with my kids) in November of the same year. We lived common law marriage and made it legal 2 years later. We've been together (happily) for 13 years.
  • AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    I mean for all I know, this guy could be the one for her, and of course I'm happy for her. I was just scared because she's very anti-divorce and everything (her parents divorced when she was pretty young) and so I figured she'd have a little more caution going into something serious. But no matter what happens I will always be her friend and supportive.
  • cymprenicympreni Posts: 9,609Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Just because they are getting engaged quickly don't mean there getting married quickly. I was engaged in month 3, but didn't get married for another year and a half. My mom was engaged for years.

    With me the only reason we waited so long to get married because I was hung up on a wedding that wasn't possible. But I very quickly just knew that we were right for each other. We meshed just perfectly, and have a lot in common, inside and out. We going strong now after 6 years of marriage, and have barely had any problems. Our worst problems and fights are probably laughable by most people's standards.
  • BiancaBianca Posts: 2,492Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    She is 23 and he's 22. She keeps telling me she knows for sure he's "the one" but she's said that about at least 2 of her previous boyfriends. I guess I'm just skeptical and worried for her.


    I would be a bit skeptical if she was that girl who "just knew" with almost every guy she dated. I think girls like that are looking for something and are hoping to find it in marriage.

    Girls that age are so........I can't even describe. In college I had 4 girls tell me that they knew from the first time they met me I was the one they were going to marry. None of them were right. Almost happened with one. We were way to young and immature and it would have been a disaster.

    Girls that age vary in levels of maturity and are more often than not more mature than guys of the same age. I'm 23. Don't speak in absolutes. :wink:
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  • AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    cympreni wrote:
    Just because they are getting engaged quickly don't mean there getting married quickly. I was engaged in month 3, but didn't get married for another year and a half. My mom was engaged for years.

    With me the only reason we waited so long to get married because I was hung up on a wedding that wasn't possible. But I very quickly just knew that we were right for each other. We meshed just perfectly, and have a lot in common, inside and out. We going strong now after 6 years of marriage, and have barely had any problems. Our worst problems and fights are probably laughable by most people's standards.

    She said they would probably be getting married in June of this year, which is only like 6 mos from now.
  • goldygoldy Posts: 5,463Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    I just wanted to see if my being worried was over the top, or if I was right to be a little concerned.

    you have a right to be concerned.. she's your friend and you want her to be happy..

    it sounds like you are not stepping in, just being a concerned friend on the outside..

    i would suggest you don't talk to your other friends about this friend and her quick engagement, etc (i'm not saying you do/have)..
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  • AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Bianca wrote:
    She is 23 and he's 22. She keeps telling me she knows for sure he's "the one" but she's said that about at least 2 of her previous boyfriends. I guess I'm just skeptical and worried for her.


    I would be a bit skeptical if she was that girl who "just knew" with almost every guy she dated. I think girls like that are looking for something and are hoping to find it in marriage.


    That's what I'm afraid of. She is one of those girls that I think is wanting to get married just to get married because she has this idea that she's too old to be single. She's 2 years younger than me, and when she says that stuff I'm like "Thanks a lot!!". When she moved from here to where she's working now she said to me "I'm going to marry an army guy" because she knew that the army base was in that town.
  • AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    goldy wrote:
    I just wanted to see if my being worried was over the top, or if I was right to be a little concerned.

    you have a right to be concerned.. she's your friend and you want her to be happy..

    it sounds like you are not stepping in, just being a concerned friend on the outside..

    i would suggest you don't talk to your other friends about this friend and her quick engagement, etc (i'm not saying you do/have)..

    Oh I won't, don't worry. The only person I've discussed it with was my mother.
  • goldygoldy Posts: 5,463Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Oh I won't, don't worry. The only person I've discussed it with was my mother.

    you're mother is not going to try to convince you to do the same thing, is she? ;)


    i'm just kidding, you had mentioned how your mother wants you to get married :)
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  • battinlashbattinlash Posts: 1,850Registered Users
    Bianca wrote:
    seems about par for course with a military couple :)

    I was going to say the same thing. It seems like people in the military get married quickly and very young. I wonder why that is?

    We tend to grow up much faster. When you're on your own in an unfamiliar place, without friends or family, you tend to latch onto the first person you get close to.

    DH and I were both in the military when we met. We decided to get married within a week, and were formally engaged and married in less than 9 months. We lived on opposite coasts the entire time. Worked out fine for us even though we barely knew each other...but I think we just got lucky, because most marriages like ours don't last.
  • AmandacurlsAmandacurls Posts: 6,252Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    goldy wrote:
    Oh I won't, don't worry. The only person I've discussed it with was my mother.

    you're mother is not going to try to convince you to do the same thing, is she? ;)


    i'm just kidding, you had mentioned how your mother wants you to get married :)

    No, I don't think she'd want me to get married THAT quickly. She's scared my brother will actually because he dives into relationships headfirst and would be perfectly happy being married. He is one of those guys who has never been afraid of commitment, he would have married any one of his exes I think, which scares me and my mom! I'm more cautious than he is, and not as quick to trust or fall for someone. I think she just wants what she thinks is going to make me happy, but we've had a talk lately about her comments, and she has quit them altogether. I asked her whether she's rather I just married any old guy who could turn out to be a child abuser, rapist, murderer, etc (of course the extremes!!) or wait a little longer to find "the one". She saw my POV finally and has quieted down........THANKFULLY!!!!! :wink: :cheers:
  • SystemSystem Posts: 39,060 Administrator
    Generally I think if you're going to spend your entire life with someone, you need to know them pretty well or at least be confident that you want to get to know them.

    Although as cymp said, getting engaged doesn't mean they'll get married, it can put extra pressure on them to get married once they've gotten engaged. And if he's in the military, that's even more pressure to do things fast.

    Granted he could be the one, like you said. But at their ages (I sound so old!) it's easy to feel that way.

    I think a lot of people go into marriage either thinking if it doesn't work out we can always get a divorce, or they just don't realize what they're getting into (Not saying your friend is like this but how could you really know what you're getting into if you've never been married before?). With that mindset it doesn't matter as much how long you know each other before marriage. But if you're thinking this is FOREVER it makes sense to take more time.

    I don't buy the "you just know" stuff. But no guarantees either way. Just likelihoods IMHO.
  • duckyducky Posts: 927Registered Users
    Bianca wrote:
    Girls that age are so........I can't even describe. In college I had 4 girls tell me that they knew from the first time they met me I was the one they were going to marry. None of them were right. Almost happened with one. We were way to young and immature and it would have been a disaster.

    Girls that age vary in levels of maturity and are more often than not more mature than guys of the same age. I'm 23. Don't speak in absolutes. :wink:

    ITA with Bianca. I am also 23.

    I have a friend who knew his wife for three weeks when they got engaged, they were married about six months later. They are one of the happiest couples I know, they just had their third child, and fall more in love every day.

    Sometimes, you just know. Granted, not with every guy you meet, but maybe this one is different from the other "ones." Or maybe in a few years, you'll be comforting her post-divorce, but let's hope for the best.
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  • jsmlygrljsmlygrl Posts: 35Registered Users
    I think it depends on the people. My parents knew each other for 3 months before they got married and they've been happlily married for over 35 years now. I can only hope that one day I'll have what they have.

    A friend of mine got married last year to her boyfriend of 5 years (they lived together for at least 2 years) They are now getting a divorce. She moved out right around their first anniversary.

    so it really depends on the people involved. If your friend wants to get married for the sake of not being alone, yeah I'd be worried too.
  • Kasey314Kasey314 Posts: 308Registered Users
    Bianca wrote:
    Girls that age are so........I can't even describe. In college I had 4 girls tell me that they knew from the first time they met me I was the one they were going to marry. None of them were right. Almost happened with one. We were way to young and immature and it would have been a disaster.

    Girls that age vary in levels of maturity and are more often than not more mature than guys of the same age. I'm 23. Don't speak in absolutes. :wink:

    ITA. My fiance and I are 24, we've been together for 7 years, have been living together for two years, have both graduated from college, have good jobs and would have married each other years ago if we had been finacially able to do so! I'm not saying everyone our age is ready for that kind of commitment, but obviously some of us are.

    Amandacurls: If I were in your situation, I would tell my friend how I felt. I've mentioned my situation above, but when we got engaged some of my closest friends STILL asked me if I wasn't "too young" to be getting married, even though we had been dating for 5 years. I wasn't angry, b/c I understood that they were just trying to look out for me, and I suspect your friend would understand too.

    Express your concerns and see what she says. Make sure that she's really thought this through, and that she is not just "caught up in the moment". If you feel she's not thinking clearly, THEN I would start to panic.
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  • NetGNetG Posts: 8,116Registered Users
    I had someone with whom things got very serious quickly. If he hadn't had untreated PTSD that got SCARY, we would have been right for each other, and we knew it our very first conversation. He treated me wonderfully until some bad events in his life made his crazy show. Ultimately, we would have ended up miserable together due to his psychological issues (which will make him miserable with anyone) but if both people are SANE, I think there is a kind of conversational click which can make you know VERY quickly.
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  • rainshowerrainshower Posts: 4,420Registered Users
    some people manage long-term marriages after only being acquainted with each other for a very short time.

    personally, i don't think a month is long enough to learn about a person, their morals, their ethics, their maturity, their mental health, their whole character, their family ties, etc., to make such an important decision as marriage.

    the gamble is that she could be picking a winner who has all his ducks lined in a row. but it could also be that a month after marriage, she discovers important negative things about him that one month of dating couldn't possibly reveal.
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