Not sure how to deal with my dad

iris427iris427 Posts: 6,002Registered Users
My dad's philosophy seems to be that if people don't do what you want, yell louder. He is the type of person who has a quick temper and with whom it is impossible to win an argument because he can never see the other person's side of things. He is always right in his mind.

Last week I had to borrow $200 from him and, because of a miscommunication between my fiance and me, I told my dad I could pay him back that day. Well my fiance has still not been able to get me the money (there is a restriction on the wire transfers on his money market account because he is a financial adviser and they have to make sure he is not trying to launder money or anything else illegal).

When I called to explain this to my dad yesterday and apologize for what had happened, he interrupted me and just started yelling and going on about how irresponsible I am and how I promised him the money a week ago, etc., and implying that we were lying to him about the money.

When I was in college, he provided me with an allowance to pay my bills. I was depending on that money and he was consistently late with the payment all the time and I would have to pay my bills and rent late. He fails to follow up on things all the time, but when I do he berates me for it. I don't have a problem with someone telling me that I messed up, but I have a problem with it when they start yelling at me.

I know I need to work at our relationship too. But I'm not a kid anymore and I am sick of being yelled at for every thing. Thanks for letting me vent and if anyone has good advice, that is appreciated too.
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Comments

  • agent_003bdagent_003bd Posts: 142Registered Users
    Yuck.

    My advice is to remove yourself from the situation whenever the conversation goes someplace you don't like/consider appropriate.

    "Dad, I have to go. I'll get you the money as soon as I have it. Bye."

    This is what I do whenever somebody (especially those I'm close to) criticize me in a way that I find inappropriate. Most people take the hint. They figure out that if they want to be around me, they have to keep control of their tongues.

    But, like I said: Yuck.
    2/3a mix

    Shampoo-free since 09/04
  • iris427iris427 Posts: 6,002Registered Users
    Yuck.

    My advice is to remove yourself from the situation whenever the conversation goes someplace you don't like/consider appropriate.

    "Dad, I have to go. I'll get you the money as soon as I have it. Bye."

    This is what I do whenever somebody (especially those I'm close to) criticize me in a way that I find inappropriate. Most people take the hint. They figure out that if they want to be around me, they have to keep control of their tongues.

    But, like I said: Yuck.

    I've tried that approach. My dad does not seem to take the hint.

    I am thinking of emailing him to try to re-explain the situation and tell him I will get him the money ASAP. That way he can't interrupt me. He wanted to know why I didn't call him as soon as I realized the money hadn't come in--the answer is that I was in public and didn't want to get yelled at on the phone in public, so I'm thinking of telling him that in the email too. That has happened to me in the past--I've answered a call from him in a public place and he just started yelling on the other end. It's gotten to the point where I am always tentative to answer the phone when I see it's him on the other end, and I find myself getting defensive with him preemptively, which I know is not helping either:?

    What I really want to do is tell him that if he continues to yell at me I will either walk away from the conversation or hang up the phone. But I don't know if that's a good approach.
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  • M2LRM2LR Posts: 8,630Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Personally, I would stop asking my dad for money.

    Esp. if I was a person out of college and getting married.

    JMO.
    :rambo:
  • kurlskurls Posts: 843Registered Users
    I'm SO sorry you have to put up with that!! It's really emotionally 'deflating', isn't it?

    I say that because my father is the SAME WAY. he can't just TALK to me like an adult...it inevitably ends up in him raising his voice and scolding me like a child. Granted, I need his help ONCE in a while. But that doesn't warrant him speaking to me any which way.

    As the previous poster said, just set up boundaries. When he starts to yell, take a deep breath, cut him off, and tell him that you will give him the money when you have it - or - tell him that the conversation cannot continue until he calms down. If he refuses, tell him you will continue talking LATER when he has...but stand your GROUND. Ok? It's HARD, trust me, cause I respect myf ather and he has helped me out at times, but still - mean is mean, and yelling is unnecessary.
    People will always do what they want to do...no matter what you say!
  • quickcurlquickcurl Posts: 1,310Registered Users
    iris427 wrote:
    Yuck.

    My advice is to remove yourself from the situation whenever the conversation goes someplace you don't like/consider appropriate.

    "Dad, I have to go. I'll get you the money as soon as I have it. Bye."

    This is what I do whenever somebody (especially those I'm close to) criticize me in a way that I find inappropriate. Most people take the hint. They figure out that if they want to be around me, they have to keep control of their tongues.

    But, like I said: Yuck.

    I've tried that approach. My dad does not seem to take the hint.

    I am thinking of emailing him to try to re-explain the situation and tell him I will get him the money ASAP. That way he can't interrupt me. He wanted to know why I didn't call him as soon as I realized the money hadn't come in--the answer is that I was in public and didn't want to get yelled at on the phone in public, so I'm thinking of telling him that in the email too. That has happened to me in the past--I've answered a call from him in a public place and he just started yelling on the other end. It's gotten to the point where I am always tentative to answer the phone when I see it's him on the other end, and I find myself getting defensive with him preemptively, which I know is not helping either:?

    What I really want to do is tell him that if he continues to yell at me I will either walk away from the conversation or hang up the phone. But I don't know if that's a good approach.

    Why can't you do just that? If it were me, the next time I talked to him that's how I would start the conversation. I'm calling you to explain the situation with the 200 dollars...if you start to yell or interrupt me as you've done every time I've tried to talk with you about this, I will hang up. That simple.
    "It's hard to remember a time, when I didn't have you", Richie Sambora
    "Boys are bad and men are stupid", WB's
    "After a while, you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh" Mr. Big
  • iris427iris427 Posts: 6,002Registered Users
    M2LR & Co. wrote:
    Personally, I would stop asking my dad for money.

    Esp. if I was a person out of college and getting married.

    JMO.

    You're right, M2LR. Normally I do not ask my parents for money. We were in a very tight financial situation this month and I borrowed the money so that I could pay my health insurance.
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  • agent_003bdagent_003bd Posts: 142Registered Users
    iris427 wrote:
    What I really want to do is tell him that if he continues to yell at me I will either walk away from the conversation or hang up the phone. But I don't know if that's a good approach.

    I would probably do that... but since you owe him money, he does seem to have the "upper hand" in the situation. Blah.

    After all of this has cooled down and he is repaid, tell him that if he wants to have any type of conversation with you in the future, he must respect you and keep his temper under control. Otherwise, you will walk away from the conversation and/or hang up the phone. Then, you all can "work on your relationship".

    From what I've read of your posts, you seem like a nice, compassionate, and reasonable person... don't forget that! You don't deserve to be treated in an appropriate way by everyone, including your family.

    I really feel for in in this situation. :(
    2/3a mix

    Shampoo-free since 09/04
  • geekygeeky Posts: 4,995Registered Users
    Yuck.

    My advice is to remove yourself from the situation whenever the conversation goes someplace you don't like/consider appropriate.

    "Dad, I have to go. I'll get you the money as soon as I have it. Bye."

    This is what I do whenever somebody (especially those I'm close to) criticize me in a way that I find inappropriate. Most people take the hint. They figure out that if they want to be around me, they have to keep control of their tongues.

    But, like I said: Yuck.

    I agree. You don't do this because it will MAKE him stop yelling at you. You do this because it stops the yelling at that moment. Say your piece and if he starts yelling, disengage immediately. You can't change your dad, but it does take two to make an argument and you can change whether and how you participate.

    An email might not be a bad idea to say your piece. But I would not have high hopes for any understanding from him.
    To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
    I pray none of you ever has to live in a communist state.

    Geeky is my hero. She's the true badass. The badass who doesn't even need to be a badass. There aren't enough O's in cool to describe her.
  • marielle448marielle448 Posts: 1,823Registered Users
    exactly (aside from the no more borrowing money from him issue).

    Refuse to engage. In order for an argument to continue it needs more than one person. Refuse to engage him and if he can't control his voice, temper refuse to speak to him unless he does. It's not manipulation it's setting the standard for how you expect to be treated as a human being.
  • kurlskurls Posts: 843Registered Users
    geeky wrote:

    An email might not be a bad idea to say your piece. But I would not have high hopes for any understanding from him.

    I agree with Geeky on this...an email is a way of getting all your feelings across, but someone that 'yells and screams' regularly has issues with respect. SO whatever step you take (email, letter, phone call, in person conversation) - JUST go into it with only the expectation that he will HEAR what you have to say (not necessarily listen to it). To listen to what you have to say and how you feel would take respect on the other persons part (your dad's part).
    People will always do what they want to do...no matter what you say!
  • wild~hairwild~hair Posts: 9,890Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Yuck.

    My advice is to remove yourself from the situation whenever the conversation goes someplace you don't like/consider appropriate.

    "Dad, I have to go. I'll get you the money as soon as I have it. Bye."

    This is what I do whenever somebody (especially those I'm close to) criticize me in a way that I find inappropriate. Most people take the hint. They figure out that if they want to be around me, they have to keep control of their tongues.

    But, like I said: Yuck.

    I think this is really good advice. I sort of did this with my mom last week and she's mellowed out considerably since then.

    ETA: Oops, I see that didn't work for you. Sorry.
  • wild~hairwild~hair Posts: 9,890Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    M2LR & Co. wrote:
    Personally, I would stop asking my dad for money.

    Esp. if I was a person out of college and getting married.

    JMO.

    Seems good advice to stop asking him for money, but because of his attitude.

    I never thought I'd have to ask my mom for help at 38, post divorce and well past college. But she helped me and I was grateful.

    I honestly don't know what being out of college and getting married has to do with any of it.
  • iris427iris427 Posts: 6,002Registered Users
    Thanks, everyone, for the advice.
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  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    wild~hair wrote:
    M2LR & Co. wrote:
    Personally, I would stop asking my dad for money.

    Esp. if I was a person out of college and getting married.

    JMO.

    Seems good advice to stop asking him for money, but because of his attitude.

    I never thought I'd have to ask my mom for help at 38, post divorce and well past college. But she helped me and I was grateful.

    I honestly don't know what being out of college and getting married has to do with any of it.


    Exactly. If a parent is willingly giving or lending an adult college graduate married child financially with no strings attached and the arrangement works well for both without causing hardships, why is it a problem?

    In this case, her father's attitude makes it a problem, but if it weren't for that there would be nothing wrong with iris borrowing from him.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • gggg Posts: 1,865Registered Users
    I would email him since it seems you can't communicate any other way without him blowing up. I don't think your father is going to change, he is the way he is and has probably been like that for a long time. Don't ask for any more money unless you want to deal with being yelled at.
    You don't have to blow out my flame to make yours burn brighter.

    When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.

    How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
  • automaticflowersautomaticflowers Posts: 3,465Registered Users
    I'm sorry he acts that way toward you.

    He sounds a bit like my mother. Likes to interrupt, yell, won't listen, refuses to admit she could ever be wrong about something.

    I wrote her a very delicately worded letter about an issue, thinking the same thing you do... that she'd read it and maybe then she'd see my point of view so we could talk and settle it with mutual respect.

    That was three months ago, and she hasn't spoken to me since. :lol:

    So best of luck, I hope you can get through the rest of this situation with as little stress as possible. And for your own sanity, even though he may not take the hint, I still think it's a good idea to disengage when he starts in. You don't deserve to be yelled at like that.
  • iris427iris427 Posts: 6,002Registered Users
    Thanks everyone, this makes me feel a lot better.

    Utopiastars, I'm sorry your mom isn't speaking to you! I hope you're able to fix things with her.
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  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,259Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    But I'm not a kid anymore and I am sick of being yelled at for every thing.


    Hate to say it, but...responsible self-supporting adults usually find a way to come up with money without running to dad. If you want to be treated like an adult...act like one.
  • kurlskurls Posts: 843Registered Users
    But I'm not a kid anymore and I am sick of being yelled at for every thing.


    Hate to say it, but...responsible self-supporting adults usually find a way to come up with money without running to dad. If you want to be treated like an adult...act like one.

    DAG...maybe I'm seeing it from another perspective - but that's kinda harsh! Even responsible, self-supporting adults fall on HARD TIMES...and if they have people that are willing to help them out (be it family or friends) then why can't they take advantage of thsoe resources and still be respected AS an adult?
    People will always do what they want to do...no matter what you say!
  • rainshowerrainshower Posts: 4,420Registered Users
    M2LR & Co. wrote:
    Personally, I would stop asking my dad for money.

    Esp. if I was a person out of college and getting married.

    JMO.

    this exactly what i was about to reply. if you know that money is a sore issue between you two, you should not put yourself in a position to ask him for money in the future.
    "Dogs stink too, but I like dog stink." ~ rileyb
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,259Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Amneris wrote:
    wild~hair wrote:
    M2LR & Co. wrote:
    Personally, I would stop asking my dad for money.

    Esp. if I was a person out of college and getting married.

    JMO.

    Seems good advice to stop asking him for money, but because of his attitude.

    I never thought I'd have to ask my mom for help at 38, post divorce and well past college. But she helped me and I was grateful.

    I honestly don't know what being out of college and getting married has to do with any of it.


    Exactly. If a parent is willingly giving or lending an adult college graduate married child financially with no strings attached and the arrangement works well for both without causing hardships, why is it a problem?

    In this case, her father's attitude makes it a problem, but if it weren't for that there would be nothing wrong with iris borrowing from him.


    There were strings. She was supposed to pay it back by a certain date and she didn't. Then she justifies it by saying his paying habits aren't up to snuff, as if two wrongs make a right.

    Having been on the parental end of such arrangements and heard the oh-I-didn't-get-the-money-as-expected-so-can-you-wait-some-more-you-don't-need-it-right, more than once, I can kinda see where her father is coming from. It shows a sort of disrespect not to repay the money when promised.
  • SnarlsSnarls Posts: 2,537Registered Users
    My take is that it isn't really about the money. I mean, if it weren't that, it would be something else.

    My father is an extreme type A with zero patience, a non-existent fuse and a tendency to blame and accuse those closest to him of bringing on his fits of temper. I don't think it has anything to do with respect or lack of it. He has respect. He can't control his temper. And he's always infuriated over something. I don't think the man has had a day of peace his entire life.

    I don't have any advice on how to respond or deal with it, although I don't think you can change his behavior. His wrath, his issue. The best you can do is control your end of things. I think you did the right thing by telling him about your situation, and not just "forgetting" about the money.
    formerly Castella
    (my dogs aren't snarly, my hair is)
  • NotBradPittNotBradPitt Posts: 203Registered Users
    But I'm not a kid anymore and I am sick of being yelled at for every thing.


    Hate to say it, but...responsible self-supporting adults usually find a way to come up with money without running to dad. If you want to be treated like an adult...act like one.

    ITA. Grow up is all I can think of when I read the post.
    Peppy & NBP BFF :blob7:
  • automaticflowersautomaticflowers Posts: 3,465Registered Users
    Iris already said she doesn't make a habit of asking her father for money. **** happens, sometimes. Especially when you're starting out on your own.

    And if he didn't want to loan it to her or felt that she wouldn't be responsible about it, he could have said no.

    ETA: However, after this I'd be reluctant to ever ask for his help again, just to avoid any possibility of yelling.
  • NotBradPittNotBradPitt Posts: 203Registered Users
    Iris already said she doesn't make a habit of asking her father for money. &%$@#! happens, sometimes. Especially when you're starting out on your own.

    And if he didn't want to loan it to her, he could have said no.

    She didn't hold up her end of the committment. Paying on time. She is blaming her dad for yelling and her fiance, everyone and anyone except the person that lied and didn't keep the committment. Herself. It is extremely immature and someone of this mind set has a lot to learn. What scares me most is that she is engaged to be married.
    Peppy & NBP BFF :blob7:
  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,259Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    Iris already said she doesn't make a habit of asking her father for money. &%$@#! happens, sometimes. Especially when you're starting out on your own.

    And if he didn't want to loan it to her, he could have said no.

    She didn't hold up her end of the committment. Paying on time. She is blaming her dad for yelling and her fiance, everyone and anyone except the person that lied and didn't keep the committment. Herself. It is extremely immature and someone of this mind set has a lot to learn.

    Exactly. It's the not-keeping-the-committment part that is immature and childish. Expecting daddy to just suck it up like he used to do when she was a child, is childish. If someone wants to be treated like an adult, she ought not act childish.
  • automaticflowersautomaticflowers Posts: 3,465Registered Users
    The way I understood it is, it's a chronic issue. He yells at her for other things, often.

    I don't see where you're reading that she flat-out lied to him.

    She didn't know she wouldn't have the money the same day until after she borrowed it. She said there was a miscommunication. It's not as though she willfully refused to pay him back. A little understanding for something out of her control shouldn't be too much to ask.

    If she told him she would pay him back the same day, knowing that she COULDN'T, then yeah, I could understand his yelling. Then it would be irresponsible.
  • iris427iris427 Posts: 6,002Registered Users
    We are in a very tight financial situation right now. I told my fiance to spend $1800 to go have what will probably be the last Christmas with his sick grandfather in Argentina. Until he gets paid next week, we are completely broke. I have taken on some extra shifts at work but I won't get paid for that for another few weeks. I'm also looking for another job.

    I accepted an offer for help from my dad. I thought that was better than failing to pay my health insurance and having them retroactively cancel my policy. Maybe it wasn't--I'm young and I make mistakes. I'm not playing the victim here. I said in my original post that I called my dad to let him know that I would not be able to pay him back as expected and tell him why and apologize. I have not been out spending that money all week. I don't have the money. It's being held up because of SEC regulations, which I'm sure most posters aren't familiar with unless they work in the financial industry. I would not have a problem with my dad saying "Iris, you made a mistake." I have a problem with him yelling at me all the time, especially for something he does to me all time.

    I guess some people think that if you're an adult you do not ask for or accept financial help ever. I have a different definition of adult. And apparently of family too.
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  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Posts: 31,259Registered Users Curl Connoisseur
    The way I understood it is, it's a chronic issue. He yells at her for other things, often.

    I don't see where you're reading that she flat-out lied to him.

    She didn't know she wouldn't have the money the same day until after she borrowed it. She said there was a miscommunication. It's not as though she willfully refused to pay him back. A little understanding for something out of her control shouldn't be too much to ask.

    If she told him she would pay him back the same day, knowing that she COULDN'T, then yeah, I could understand his yelling. Then it would be irresponsible.


    I'd eat dogfood to pay my bills before I subjected myself to someone who habitually mistreated me. I think she just "got in trouble" and doesn't like it.

    My sons don't like to get in trouble either. Does that mean I should just let them do whatever they like and not keep their responsibilities. No. As long as they act like children, I'm going to discipline them as needed.
  • NotBradPittNotBradPitt Posts: 203Registered Users
    iris427 wrote:
    We are in a very tight financial situation right now. I told my fiance to spend $1800 to go have what will probably be the last Christmas with his sick grandfather in Argentina. Until he gets paid next week, we are completely broke. I have taken on some extra shifts at work but I won't get paid for that for another few weeks. I'm also looking for another job.

    I accepted an offer for help from my dad. I thought that was better than failing to pay my health insurance and having them retroactively cancel my policy. Maybe it wasn't--I'm young and I make mistakes. I'm not playing the victim here. I said in my original post that I called my dad to let him know that I would not be able to pay him back as expected and tell him why and apologize. I have not been out spending that money all week. I don't have the money. It's being held up because of SEC regulations, which I'm sure most posters aren't familiar with unless they work in the financial industry. I would not have a problem with my dad saying "Iris, you made a mistake." I have a problem with him yelling at me all the time, especially for something he does to me all time.

    I guess some people think that if you're an adult you do not ask for or accept financial help ever. I have a different definition of adult. And apparently of family too.

    Why did you wait a week to call and tell him?
    Peppy & NBP BFF :blob7:

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