CurlTalk

How do you discipline your children?

dia99dia99 Posts: 1,998Registered Users
Marielle, what is Ezzo :D ? Or the other two things you put in the un-united mothers thread (I know what spanking is)?

I meant to post this yesterday, but your comment just reminded me. Guys, if you feel like sharing your discipline techniques, please do. If you have links to info or resources, please share. If you want to practice the "Art of Disagreeing" please spin-off........to another thread :lol: !

For any who spank, are there specific things that you spank for; do you have rules that the kids know - if they do this, they will get a spanking? Or, is spanking your primary or only form of discipline? Time-outs, grounding, taking away allowance or privileges?
People rise to the standard expected of them. GC
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  • GuardianBGuardianB Posts: 1,818Registered Users
    They do not have an allowance but all others do, can, or have applied.

    Each case or incident is different and it is different depending on the child compared to the case. ie the autistic one is handled different or one child has already done this before...
    ~Two friends, one soul inspired~ anonymous
  • marielle448marielle448 Posts: 1,823Registered Users
    LOL - I'm practicing Grace Based Discipline. Basically taking the word discipline in it's root form disciple which means to instruct. You model behaviour you want your children to have, you respect their emotions but you set boundaries for their own good and their need to feel secure. You offer logical consequences to their actions but no punitive reactions or punishments. Basically extending the grace that God has to us towards our children. This is in opposition to Christians that believe the Bible demands we spank children despite the original hebrew word in that "rod" verse meaning shepherd's rod in terms of guiding & protecting not beating.

    Granted, I know my kid is still young but thankfully I belong to a community of women who have grown children on whom this method has worked wonderfully. It's definitely not permissive parenting nor is it sideline parenting which many believe it to be.
  • Aphro-DeeziacAphro-Deeziac Posts: 983Registered Users
    while spanking is a tool in our arsenal we find that we have to use it rarely. These are some of the things i use to get my toddlers (4 and 5) to be compliant and to teach them how to get their needs met in a manner I find acceptable.

    1. praising them when they are acting the way I want them to act like when they are sharing or using nice words or are kind to each other .

    2. thank them for helping or being helpful no matter what it is. Like: wow you put your clothes on all by yourself without fooling around. That is really helpful to me.

    3. praising their accomplishemnts even when they dont do things the way I would do them. makes them more likely to do helpful things on their own in the future.

    4. When they are not being compliant, the must do what i ask before anything else happens. for example: My girls love to tell me stories. They cant tell me anything until they do what i ask.


    Punishment is usually (almost always at this point) time out from the group or early bed time or early nap time.
    26560_1412644406072_1531382664_31035658_3971206_n.jpg
  • dia99dia99 Posts: 1,998Registered Users
    I had a poll choice that said "Combination of methods" but it's not showing up for some reason :?
    People rise to the standard expected of them. GC
  • marielle448marielle448 Posts: 1,823Registered Users
    question for you all - how were you parented as a child?

    I'm finding with my own child it's taking a lot of deprogramming from my own "strict and by the letter" upbringing. My parents loved me but when I had my own kid I wondered about certain decisions they made regarding their own kids. Anyone have similar experiences?
  • medussamedussa Posts: 12,993Registered Users
    Dia, you read my mind. I was going to start a thread on this topic, with a spin. My question was, "if you were spanked as a child, do you plan to use spanking as a discipline method with your own kids?"

    I struggle with this a lot. My mom used corporal punshiment as a discipline tool. Her methods would be called abusive, by today's standards. I promised myself I would never, ever hurt and humiliate my kids in that manner. But I find that sometimes I lose my patience and I then regret spanking my son. It's never in the way my mom hit us, but it's still something I don't want to do. I don't want to lay a finger on my son.

    I employ all the same methods NappyAfro does (it's the social worker in me), with the exception of sending my son to bed early, as punishment (good one, Nappy). But I am certain that I never want to hit my son. Even when he's trying to physically hurt me (he shoves and tries to pinch). The guilt I feel is beyond words. He's almost 6 but is a little guy.

    Anyway, I'd love to hear how others discipline their kids. Dia, I do remember you once saying you'd let a friend spank your child and I was shocked. :shock: I don't quite get that. I'm ready to smack anyone down who even looks at my son sideways. I can't imagine letting anyone besides dh discipline our kids. I feel like it's our job. Many people feel that "it takes a village," but for some reason, that doesn't fly with me. On some level, I feel that it undermines my authority.

    Thanks so much for starting this topic.
  • mandyvmandyv Posts: 2,437Registered Users
    There's only one choice available? I used several methods. I found that if I expected my son to behave a certain way, esp in public, I talked to him about that ahead of time. That made things a lot easier. If he misbehaved, I'd take away a privilege and tell him what priv he was losing and why and what would happen if he did it again, and I spent years reinforcing the more he does right, the more privileges and the better his life is. I guess sending him to his room was time out but he liked playing alone so no biggie. It's extremely important to let them know what they're doing right when they're doing right.

    I'm embarrased to say I spanked at times.
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  • kennesawkennesaw Posts: 29Registered Users
    marielle448,

    Are there any books/resources you recommend for Grace Based Discipline? TIA!
  • marielle448marielle448 Posts: 1,823Registered Users
    kennesaw here's a page with a bunch info but at the bottom of a few books listed. The first one was written by the mod of the board I belong to. I'm currently reading "Playful Parenting" and "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, and How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk". Sorry for the guano guys.

    /home/leaving?target=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.gentlemothering.com%2Ftopics%2Fgentlediscipline.php" class="Popup

    here's crystal's web site:

    /home/leaving?target=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.aolff.org%2Fministry.htm" class="Popup
  • kennesawkennesaw Posts: 29Registered Users
    Thanks, marielle448!

    I take full responsibility for the guano :oops:

    I like "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, and How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk". Another book by them I like is "Liberated parents, liberated children : your guide to a happier family" / Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish.

    end guano\
  • marielle448marielle448 Posts: 1,823Registered Users
    thank you for the book rec - always open to new ones. I have "Families Where Grace is in Place" on my list and "Protecting the Gift" as well (that one's more about listening to your gut in regards to sexual predators or harmful people).
  • dia99dia99 Posts: 1,998Registered Users
    I employ most of the tools listed, but for some reason the combination choice didn't show up. Can I delete the poll and start over?

    Anyway,

    In our house, spankings are for two reasons - direct defiance/intentional disobediance and lying. That's it. Everything else is dealt with through time-outs, no television/videos for a time period, not being able to go over to a friend's house (she doesn't get to do this much, anyway, so it really works), and not being able to have sleepovers (she has these about once a month, sometimes twice).

    Spanking is always on the bottom. She never gets smacked on the arm or in the face or wherever. Just the bottom. If DaNa is angry with her, I spank her. If I am too sappy to get her when she is supposed to, he will spank her. I tried to take the good stuff from my upbringing and keep it, then I read a lot of Christian books/websites on spanking to come up with a method I would feel comfortable with. I understand that people think the Bible's text on "rods" is misused, I disagree, from my own research, and I have read up on both sides because I really wanted to know what I should do.

    When I grew up, I received beatings. That made me decide never to spank. Well, that just didn't sit well with me. It seemed that I should be open to whatever discipline/correction methods I need to employ at the appropriate time. So, that's when I started my research. This is the balance I've been able to strike.

    I don't feel guilty about giving Dia a spanking, I just don't like having to do it because I love her so much. That is exactly the reason I do spank her, when necessary. If we have another child, I will look at that child to see if the same or different tools need to be used. I do think that parenting should be geared to the individual child. Different methods will be effective with different children.

    I have no problem letting others know Dia gets spankings. I have no problem with her telling people she gets spankings; it is not something we are ashamed of. I am proud, I must say, that anytime Dia is disciplined in any method, she can tell you exactly what she was disciplined for. She knows what the terminology direct defiance means. She can generalize it to what she did in a certain instance, and she can explain it (and she has to before she gets the spanking). Later, we talk about it again, and what she could do differently the next time. Same thing happens with any form of discipline in our home. I think children should understand why they are being "disciplined" or it is not really discipline, more punishment.
    People rise to the standard expected of them. GC
  • Oregano  (formerly babywavy)Oregano (formerly babywavy) Posts: 5,297Registered Users
    The method would have to be depending on what was done. I do believe in spanking, but it should be used sparingly, never when angry, and w/ your hand, and not some other tool. My mother used to use a wooden spoon on me. Not that it hurt anymore, but you shouldn't put something in between the spanking of your child. Normally I'd probably do either a reprimanding, or a time out. I like what Super Nanny did which is she designated a 'naughty spot', like a mat, or a step on the stairs. That way they did not associate going to their room w/ punishment. All methods of discipline are fine to be used in my opinion. No one should tell you how to discipline your children (of course w/ the exception of abusive methods). The one I do hate however, is the counting. "You better put that down! 1......2......", I don't understand the point of that. I think it just teaches them that they don't have to do what you say, until you get to 3. Any kid I've seen it done w/ puts the thing down after 2. The best is when the parent KEEPS counting. "4.....5...." How long are we going to give them to do what we said? I'm big on the "Because I said so". I use it w/ my husband too! :D
    ~ the artist formerly known as babywavy ~

    Please excuse any typos. For the time being, we are blaming it on my computer.
  • dia99dia99 Posts: 1,998Registered Users
    question for you all - how were you parented as a child?

    I'm finding with my own child it's taking a lot of deprogramming from my own "strict and by the letter" upbringing. My parents loved me but when I had my own kid I wondered about certain decisions they made regarding their own kids. Anyone have similar experiences?

    I was parented by a strict disciplinarian mom, and a laid-back dad. He only spanked me once that I can ever remember, and it was because I was driving a friend's car after Bible study in the late evening and I had never driven a car before. He was terrified, but he still only gave me three licks, and he cried. That spanking changed my behavior more than all the beatings my mom gave my entire childhood.

    My own parenting ended up causing me to seek balance in my home. I don't want to do anything to an extreme. I want to seek God, and I do pray when I'm unsure how to approach a situation where there needs to be discipline. The only extreme I have is that I will not spank Dia if I'm angry with her, and I will not spank her for anything other than the two things I listed above.

    Forgetting her lunch money does not warrant a spanking in my home. Spilling her dinner on the carpet, or even saying she hates me (she hasn't said it yet, but I remember getting a beating for saying this to myself, in my own room, and my sister told my mom). I don't think kids should get whippings for expressing their feelings. They should receive discipline in this area, too, I just won't spank for it.

    Regardless of what I do in my home, though, I think that every parent has the right to make the decision for themselves as to whether to spank, and for what reasons. Abuse should not be tolerated, though.
    People rise to the standard expected of them. GC
  • dia99dia99 Posts: 1,998Registered Users
    medussa wrote:
    Dia, you read my mind. I was going to start a thread on this topic, with a spin. My question was, "if you were spanked as a child, do you plan to use spanking as a discipline method with your own kids?"

    Dia, I do remember you once saying you'd let a friend spank your child and I was shocked. :shock: I don't quite get that. I'm ready to smack anyone down who even looks at my son sideways. I can't imagine letting anyone besides dh discipline our kids. I feel like it's our job. Many people feel that "it takes a village," but for some reason, that doesn't fly with me. On some level, I feel that it undermines my authority.

    Thanks so much for starting this topic.

    You're welcome :D !

    I do allow my friends to spank Dia, although she has not had to get a spanking except once. I only have friends who I trust implicitly. I know that they love my child. My rule for children (and parents) who come over to my house is "If they're in my house, they're my responsibility." If you don't trust my parenting techniques with Dia, you shouldn't leave your child with me. Some children who come over to my home don't need spankings. Just saying I'm disappointed brings tears. Others do. As with my own children (hypothetical), I employ different techniques depending on the child. My point to the parent is that if I need to spank their child, I will. If you're not comfortable with that, don't leave your child with me.

    That is the same respect I give to my friends when Dia goes with them. I respect them as parents (or future parents), and I know that they will do what is appropriate with Dia, depending on the behavior. If I didn't have that trust, I would never let her go with them in the first place. This is something else I took as a good part of my mom's child-rearing.
    People rise to the standard expected of them. GC
  • SisaSisa Posts: 759Registered Users
    A wise woman once said...

    "Beat they a$$!" :lol:





    Sorry, couldn't resist. :oops:
  • dia99dia99 Posts: 1,998Registered Users
    Sisa wrote:
    A wise woman once said...

    "Beat they a$$!" :lol:





    Sorry, couldn't resist. :oops:

    This cracked me up! Of course, it's always the Christians with the crass jokes. Hypocrites :roll: :lol:
    People rise to the standard expected of them. GC
  • SisaSisa Posts: 759Registered Users
    dia99 wrote:
    Of course, it's always the Christians with the crass jokes. Hypocrites :roll: :lol:

    Are you rebuking me? :headscratch:headscratch.gif :wink:
  • dia99dia99 Posts: 1,998Registered Users
    Sisa wrote:
    Are you rebuking me? :headscratch:headscratch.gif :wink:

    Of course not! Good Christians should never judge others :lol:
    People rise to the standard expected of them. GC
  • three rivers curlythree rivers curly Posts: 994Registered Users
    [quote="medussa"

    I struggle with this a lot. My mom used corporal punshiment as a discipline tool. Her methods would be called abusive, by today's standards. I promised myself I would never, ever hurt and humiliate my kids in that manner. But I find that sometimes I lose my patience and I then regret spanking my son. It's never in the way my mom hit us, but it's still something I don't want to do. I don't want to lay a finger on my son.



    [/quote]

    Insert daughter for son and this could have been my post. I rarely spank my child and usually only after she has been warned that "One more time!!!". I did take away her TV time for a few days this week, this worked and it didn't at the same time. She is going through a mean phase - I hope that it is just a 4 year old thing - because I may paint black spots on her and practice my soccer moves if she doesn't!! J/K :lol:
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  • CurliLocksCurliLocks Posts: 10,571Registered Users
    GuardianB wrote:
    They do not have an allowance but all others do, can, or have applied.
    What he said! :)

    Couldn't vote since there isn't an option for multiple choices.
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  • mad scientistmad scientist Posts: 3,530Registered Users
    My parents practiced (unknowingly!) what would now be called gentle discipline/parenting. We never had time-outs or were grounded or spanked etc.... If we did something wrong/inappropriate, it was discussed right then and there was an immediate consequence. And that was it.

    I'm hoping to parent in the same manner, if it works with our kid.
  • ~915~~915~ Posts: 519Registered Users
    I was spanked OFTEN. I was also lectured OFTEN. Spanking didn't make me behave any better, but it did make me fear my parents. Studies show that spanking is ineffective for long-term results, so I have never used it and never had cause to.

    With my child, he is still learning how to behave appropriately, so I do a lot of explaining to him what he can and can't do. It takes patience and lots of repeating myself before he is successful, but I'm surprised at how much he tries to do things the right way.

    For deliberate offenses, I give him a time-out and expect an apology afterwards. Then, I tell him that I forgive him and give him a hug. Then, we start from scratch. This happens about three times per week.

    I've found that what my child likes the most are choices. So, when he's being non-compliant, I give him a choice and he's happy to choose and the problem is usually solved. An example: The other day, he refused to get dressed. So, I asked him if he wanted to wear jeans or pants. He chose pants and forgot all about refusing to get dressed. Problem solved.
  • medussamedussa Posts: 12,993Registered Users
    In my home, time-outs are really a cool off time for everyone. It's not the "go to your room" or sit-in-a-corner type thing. Ds can go to the sunroom or his room to think about his actions. It usually does work. He comes down and apologizes. But there are times when has severe tantrums (he's on the Autistic spectrum) and it takes awhile for him to come down.

    Chocolate Curls--ITA. Spanking serves no purpose, IMHO. It teaches your child that you can overpower them just because you're bigger. Plus, it sends a mixed message. How can a parent teach a child not to solve problems by hitting, when the parent is hitting them? This is my fundamental problem with spanking. But it is very difficult to unlearn what I learned growing up. I have to work very hard at it.
  • Oregano  (formerly babywavy)Oregano (formerly babywavy) Posts: 5,297Registered Users
    medussa wrote:
    Chocolate Curls--ITA. Spanking serves no purpose, IMHO. It teaches your child that you can overpower them just because you're bigger. Plus, it sends a mixed message. How can a parent teach a child not to solve problems by hitting, when the parent is hitting them? This is my fundamental problem with spanking. But it is very difficult to unlearn what I learned growing up. I have to work very hard at it.

    I don't think of spanking as a way to inflict pain on your child. Generally a light tap/spank will do. It's a way to re-focus them. Usually it's not how hard you've spanked, but the fact that mommy or daddy hit them that shocks them. I don't think you should spank to punish for hitting, just as biting a child back when they bite you, doesn't seem to make much sense. IMO, I think that by spanking, sends your child an even bigger message B/C your teaching them to not hit. You're basically reiterating the fact that mommy and daddy are the parents, and they have the right to do things that children can't. We also use sharp objects, when we tell our kids to not play w/ them, and we drink alcohol when we teach kids to not drink it. It's not hypocritical, it shows the control, and certain amount of power (for lack of a better word) that parents have, which is important in teaching kids to respect you.
    ~ the artist formerly known as babywavy ~

    Please excuse any typos. For the time being, we are blaming it on my computer.
  • medussamedussa Posts: 12,993Registered Users
    babywavy wrote:
    I don't think of spanking as a way to inflict pain on your child. Generally a light tap/spank will do. It's a way to re-focus them.

    Whether it hurts or not, it's still humiliating. I'd much rather find non-physical methods to re-focus ds.
    You're basically reiterating the fact that mommy and daddy are the parents, and they have the right to do things that children can't. We also use sharp objects, when we tell our kids to not play w/ them, and we drink alcohol when we teach kids to not drink it. It's not hypocritical, it shows the control, and certain amount of power (for lack of a better word) that parents have, which is important in teaching kids to respect you.

    The above ideas can be conveyed through words and actions. I just can't find a rational way to justify hitting a child "because I'm the parent." Spanking a child isn't positive modeling. They say children live what they learn. They learn from our words and our actions.
  • ~915~~915~ Posts: 519Registered Users
    Babywavy,

    My child has immense respect for me even though I don't hit him. I think the respect is based on the fact that I am four times his size, he depends on me for food, I have answers to his questions, and I am his parent. I don't think I need to hit him in order to get across the fact that I'm in charge because it's so obvious. That's why hitting a child is such a mistake: it takes the message of who's in charge over the top.

    What spanking does give a child is low self esteem. I bet you know someone with low self esteem who also was spanked as a child.
  • Oregano  (formerly babywavy)Oregano (formerly babywavy) Posts: 5,297Registered Users
    I was spanked as a child, and I have never had low self esteem. Neither does my husband, and he was spanked as a child as well.
    ~ the artist formerly known as babywavy ~

    Please excuse any typos. For the time being, we are blaming it on my computer.
  • dia99dia99 Posts: 1,998Registered Users
    There is research done, by Christians and nonChristians, that goes both ways regarding spanking.

    There is no research that has shown that spanking leads to aggressive behavior, or violence, or low self-esteem. There are studies that show that abuse can lead to those things, though. I know people who were not spanked who have much lower self-esteem than I do, and I received beatings.

    I think that if we all do the best we can as parents, and try to keep the best interest of the child foremost in our minds, it won't matter what discipline techniques we employ. Our kids will know how much we love them, and they'll know we cared enough to teach them right from wrong, whichever methods we used to get there.
    People rise to the standard expected of them. GC
  • zmanzzzzzmanzzzz Banned Posts: 3,826Banned Users
    no kids, thank you. 8)
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