Did you ever snoop on your SO?

TKTK Posts: 7Registered Users
My last longterm relationship represented a severe lack of judgement on my part. I was madly attracted to his badboy, Southern biker "charm." I moved in with him. As someone who always heard the voice of my intuition clearly (but didn't always listen ), I became increasingly suspicious and finally investigated the contents of his closet. I found out he had been lying to me about his age, number of marriages, and number of children, and his whole family was in on the deception! Then I turned my attention to the computer and found out crap that was currently going on. I even ordered copies of his past phone bills. My intuitive voice was confirmed to be on target.

Never one to learn quickly from my mistakes, I became deeply infatuated with a pierced-up, tattooed badboy (ay!). Moved in. Married him. I was completely honest with him about how I found out the straight dope on the ex and promised not to snoop on him. He was a computer junkie--constantly on livejournal, AOL IM and chatrooms. After 6 months of hearing and seeing snippets of stuff from his computer adventures, I became overwhelmed with suspicion once again, and my intuitive alarm was screaming. Finally, I could stand it no longer and broke my promise. I opened up the computer. Wow. The stuff I found was really bad--it broke us up. I moved out, we reconciled. He reverted. I moved out for 6 months, we reconciled with the agreement that the computer would be dismantled.

All seems to be well now. I rely on my intuition and spiritual connection to guide me. I now know that if we broke up, I would be okay just being by myself, and I sincerely hope I have learned not to trust infatuation. However, I told him whatever comes into the house is fair game for me to look at.

I'm not seeking advice in my situation here, but I am curious if you have ever snooped on your SO and if so if you have discovered anything major? I'd be grateful to hear your experiences. TIA.
Recently TRed and loving it.
Failed to load the poll.
Failed to load the poll.

Comments

  • SoLastSunday152SoLastSunday152 Posts: 428Registered Users
    I've never done anything more than read email, which did help me catch him lying about communication with his crazy ex. :twisted: He didn't get mad at me when I confronted him about it because he was the one who told me his email password.. It was my name, for god's sake. Lol. If you're hiding stuff, maybe make it a little less obvious?? Men.
    Lindsey
    BKT'ed
    becks.jpg
  • mazeymazey Posts: 709Registered Users
    I have never snooped around on my husband. He has never done anything to make me distrust him, plus I know I’d be pissy if he was pawing around my stuff just for the hell of it. Then again, we both have nothing to hide so I guess there is the difference. I learned the lesson long ago to trust my instincts and to let go of people in my life who I can’t trust. It makes the whole dating scene a bit more tolerable.
    Madonna getting upset with her daughter for dressing too slutty is like Mr. T getting upset with his son for pitying too many fools.
  • geekygeeky Posts: 4,995Registered Users
    I never have, but then again I never had any reason to mistrust my SO. In your case, TK, it sounds like the snooping was justified. I would never snoop just to check up on somebody, but if my gut was telling me there was something wrong, I would consider doing some investigating.
    To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
    I pray none of you ever has to live in a communist state.

    Geeky is my hero. She's the true badass. The badass who doesn't even need to be a badass. There aren't enough O's in cool to describe her.
  • PartyHairPartyHair Posts: 7,713Registered Users
    mazey wrote:
    I have never snooped around on my husband. He has never done anything to make me distrust him, plus I know I’d be pissy if he was pawing around my stuff just for the hell of it. Then again, we both have nothing to hide so I guess there is the difference. I learned the lesson long ago to trust my instincts and to let go of people in my life who I can’t trust. It makes the whole dating scene a bit more tolerable.

    What she said.

    My husband and I also go with the "If you don't know, ask" model.

    I wouldn't stay with anyone I didn't trust.
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Rock on with your bad self.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Be excellent to each other. ~ Abraham Lincoln

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
  • bouncebounce Posts: 297Registered Users
    Nope. I read his HS yearbook once which made me laugh out loud. That's about the extent of it.
  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    I caught one of my sleazy exes cheating by reading his e-mail.
    This is how I learned that you have to be smarter than them!
    My ex and I were at the club when we were together and this girl kept hanging all over him and whatever. I was just trying to ignore her. Then at the end of the night, she said to him, I'll e-mail you. I didn't say anything, just filed it for reference, but I think my ex expected me to react with jealousy.
    A couple of days later, I was hanging out at his house, and he casually said, "Gotta check my e-mail, but I want to go get a drink first. Can you go to hotmail and sign me in?" That's when he told me his password was obooty, derived from his nickname for me (onion booty.) Then he said "But no sneaking into my e-mail, I trust you, girl!"
    So I signed him in but didn't look at the e-mail. When I got home, I went straight to hotmail, signed in and saw only innocent e-mails. I figured if I kept checking long enough, I'd find out if that girl e-mailed him. But, I checked at least a couple of times a day and, nothing.
    So, a couple of weeks later, we run into the girl again and she says, "Did you get my e-mail?" He quickly said no and shook his head, but I suspected he was lying. I figured he got to the e-mail first and erased it, but I kept checking.
    Then, another time I was at his house and I went to the bathroom. When I came back, he was on the computer. As I was walking behind him, I thought I saw a yahoo screen, but as soon as he heard me, he quickly closed it and brought up hotmail.
    So that night when I got home, I decided to see if he had a yahoo account. I signed in with different combos of his name until I found his user name, and then clicked that I had forgotten my password and asked for it to be e-mailed to his hotmail account, then went there and signed in and there was the password - obooty. He hadn't even changed the password, the dumbazz.
    And there were a bunch of incriminating, sexual e-mails between him and this girl, going back and forth over weeks, laughing about how I hadn't figured it out, etc. I printed them all and signed out. YOU'D THINK HE WOULD ERASE THEM.
    Then I went to my own e-mail, e-mailed him to his yahoo address and cc'ed her an e-mail that started like "Busted - how the hell are you so dumb, didn't you think I'd figure it out?" and then told him never to call me again.
    Of course, he tried, but there was no point - my mama didn't raise no fool! So I'm not ashamed I snooped in this case.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


    .png


    534Pm5.png





  • PartyHairPartyHair Posts: 7,713Registered Users
    geeky wrote:
    I would never snoop just to check up on somebody, but if my gut was telling me there was something wrong, I would consider doing some investigating.

    If I was afraid to ask what was going on or if I felt I wasn't getting a straight answer, I'd end the relationship. How can you have trust if you "need" to snoop around on someone? And how can they trust you?
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Rock on with your bad self.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Be excellent to each other. ~ Abraham Lincoln

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
  • goldencurlygoldencurly Posts: 2,385Registered Users
    I once had doubts about my SO and his x getting together to "talk". He had been very open with me about the situation and what had and had not taken place. But my insecurity - not my intuition - got the best of me and I hopped into his email account and read the follow-up email from her. I felt like such a moron. She spelled out her angry feelings about how he had totally rejected her, told her about me, and made it clear they could be friends IF she treated his boundries with respect and me with respect. She said she would not treat me respectfully, she wanted me gone, but since it wasn't going to happen, she didn't want to even be friends with him, no more contact between them - period. I repeat, I felt like a moron. I have never snooped since.

    :oops: :oops: :oops:
    ________
    Kids depakote
  • kurlykittykurlykitty Posts: 162Registered Users
    PartyHair wrote:
    mazey wrote:
    I have never snooped around on my husband. He has never done anything to make me distrust him, plus I know I’d be pissy if he was pawing around my stuff just for the hell of it. Then again, we both have nothing to hide so I guess there is the difference. I learned the lesson long ago to trust my instincts and to let go of people in my life who I can’t trust. It makes the whole dating scene a bit more tolerable.

    What she said.

    My husband and I also go with the "If you don't know, ask" model.

    I wouldn't stay with anyone I didn't trust.

    Same here. I trust my spouse, and if I'm curious about something, I'll ask directly. I would consider snooping to be rude and dishonest.
    "Beware the man of one book." --Latin proverb
  • MarMar Posts: 3,004Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    Nope.Never felt a need to.
    My husband is about as open and honest guy as there is.
    "what's so funny 'bout peace, love and understanding?"



    "If you judge people,you have no time to love them"
    -Mother Theresa
  • TKTK Posts: 7Registered Users
    Amneris said
    I'm not ashamed I snooped in this case.

    That story was very reassuring--thanks (but sucks for you--sorry). I have an intense fear of being played behind my back--I just need to know.
    I'm not ashamed either because I wouldn't have done it without a very strong suspicion. I also saved myself further grief by showing him he was busted.

    When I moved in with him, I gave him express permission to look at any of my things because I had nothing to hide. I wouldn't be mad if I went home and found him reading all my old letters, etc.

    Thanks to those who have replied.
    Recently TRed and loving it.
  • AmnerisAmneris Posts: 15,117Registered Users
    TK wrote:
    Amneris said
    I'm not ashamed I snooped in this case.

    That story was very reassuring--thanks (but sucks for you--sorry). I have an intense fear of being played behind my back--I just need to know.
    I'm not ashamed either because I wouldn't have done it without a very strong suspicion. I also saved myself further grief by showing him he was busted.

    When I moved in with him, I gave him express permission to look at any of my things because I had nothing to hide. I wouldn't be mad if I went home and found him reading all my old letters, etc.

    Thanks to those who have replied.


    Oh, I am long over it and happily married, while he is still a loser going from girl to girl, so I'm glad it happened before things got more serious. In fact, I wasn't even upset at the time - just very, very disgusted.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


    .png


    534Pm5.png





  • LAwoman516LAwoman516 Posts: 23Registered Users
    Not on my current SO, but I've snooped on ex BFs. I'd like to think that a)I've matured since then and b) I have NO reason to think I'd find anything incriminating. :D

    I do agree about going with a gut instinct though. One of my best friends just had this nagging feeling about her husband, even though on the surface he was the "perfect" husband. She checked his cell phone bill and sure enough, there were dozens and dozens of calls to an unknown local number.... Yada yada yada...he was having an affair and they're divorced now.
    "I'm not mad. I just want to know who did this so I can punish them." - Dwight, "The Office"
  • j'adorej'adore Posts: 1,966Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    TK wrote:
    I have an intense fear of being played behind my back--I just need to know.

    Me too. :oops: It takes me awhile to completely trust anyone. It sucks.
    "Don't play me...I'm over 30, and I don't smoke weed"
    -Prince

    catcatadr20050914_-8_Marley+is.png
  • bouncebounce Posts: 297Registered Users
    I think people that snoop are looking for evidence to back up a "gut feeling" - that very gut feeling that we just learn to recognize and trust as adults and eventually don't need any proof or evidence.
  • mrspoppersmrspoppers Posts: 7,223Registered Users Curl Novice
    kurlykitty wrote:
    PartyHair wrote:
    mazey wrote:
    I have never snooped around on my husband. He has never done anything to make me distrust him, plus I know I’d be pissy if he was pawing around my stuff just for the hell of it. Then again, we both have nothing to hide so I guess there is the difference. I learned the lesson long ago to trust my instincts and to let go of people in my life who I can’t trust. It makes the whole dating scene a bit more tolerable.

    What she said.

    My husband and I also go with the "If you don't know, ask" model.

    I wouldn't stay with anyone I didn't trust.

    Same here. I trust my spouse, and if I'm curious about something, I'll ask directly. I would consider snooping to be rude and dishonest.
    Me too. I know my husband is the most honest, most blunt person out there. If I asked him directly, he would tell me the truth.
    When are women going to face the fact that they don’t know their own bodies as well as men who have heard things?

    Don Langrick
    Bonsai Culturist
  • TKTK Posts: 7Registered Users
    Bounce said:
    I think people that snoop are looking for evidence to back up a "gut feeling" - that very gut feeling that we just learn to recognize and trust as adults and eventually don't need any proof or evidence.

    I sincerely hope I learn to trust that completely. But let me ask you this: What if your SO is very tender, affectionate, loving, considerate in phoning, gives you foot rubs, listens to all your hair troubles, etc. and always backs you up, but you have a gut instinct he is up to no good? Do you just walk away because of a feeling? (I'm not being combative--I would just like feedback.)
    Recently TRed and loving it.
  • j'adorej'adore Posts: 1,966Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    TK wrote:
    Bounce said:
    I think people that snoop are looking for evidence to back up a "gut feeling" - that very gut feeling that we just learn to recognize and trust as adults and eventually don't need any proof or evidence.

    I sincerely hope I learn to trust that completely. But let me ask you this: What if your SO is very tender, affectionate, loving, considerate in phoning, gives you foot rubs, listens to all your hair troubles, etc. and always backs you up, but you have a gut instinct he is up to no good? Do you just walk away because of a feeling? (I'm not being combative--I would just like feedback.)

    This a good point, TK. A guy could do all that and STILL be up to no good. Many people (men and women) always know what to do and say to gain another persons trust and still do their dirt. I am in no way generalizing about all men, but my mind is always entertaining every possibility. I've heard SOOOOO many stories.

    With that said, I am slowly coming to trust more. It takes internal work (lots of it). I am not even sure the word "trust" means what we think it means. Does it mean you KNOW for a fact that this person is ALWAYS without a doubt honest about everything? How would you ever be sure of that? Or does it mean that you've resolved to not let any nagging or wayward thoughts of distrust get to you?

    I am thinking the latter is the best I could ever do. You know, make it about me and not him.
    "Don't play me...I'm over 30, and I don't smoke weed"
    -Prince

    catcatadr20050914_-8_Marley+is.png
  • bouncebounce Posts: 297Registered Users
    TK wrote:
    Bounce said:
    I think people that snoop are looking for evidence to back up a "gut feeling" - that very gut feeling that we just learn to recognize and trust as adults and eventually don't need any proof or evidence.

    I sincerely hope I learn to trust that completely. But let me ask you this: What if your SO is very tender, affectionate, loving, considerate in phoning, gives you foot rubs, listens to all your hair troubles, etc. and always backs you up, but you have a gut instinct he is up to no good? Do you just walk away because of a feeling? (I'm not being combative--I would just like feedback.)

    Well, it's easy for me to say yes, but yes, always trust your gut. Again, VERY easy for me to say b/c I'm not in that situation.
  • PartyHairPartyHair Posts: 7,713Registered Users
    TK wrote:
    Bounce said:
    I think people that snoop are looking for evidence to back up a "gut feeling" - that very gut feeling that we just learn to recognize and trust as adults and eventually don't need any proof or evidence.

    I sincerely hope I learn to trust that completely. But let me ask you this: What if your SO is very tender, affectionate, loving, considerate in phoning, gives you foot rubs, listens to all your hair troubles, etc. and always backs you up, but you have a gut instinct he is up to no good? Do you just walk away because of a feeling? (I'm not being combative--I would just like feedback.)

    If my husband was as affectionate, etc. as he ever was then I wouldn't have that gut feeling. It's called trust. I agree that you have to go with your gut feeling, but you don't have to go looking for reasons to distrust him.

    And if I *did* have a gut feeling I'd say, "Hey, is everything ok? Things just seem weird..."
    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Rock on with your bad self.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Be excellent to each other. ~ Abraham Lincoln

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
  • mazeymazey Posts: 709Registered Users
    TK wrote:
    I sincerely hope I learn to trust that completely. But let me ask you this: What if your SO is very tender, affectionate, loving, considerate in phoning, gives you foot rubs, listens to all your hair troubles, etc. and always backs you up, but you have a gut instinct he is up to no good? Do you just walk away because of a feeling? (I'm not being combative--I would just like feedback.)

    I would still always trust my gut. If I had a gut feeling that he couldn’t be trusted from the beginning, the relationship would have gone nowhere. It wouldn’t be say two years into it and suddenly my gut instinct kicks in.

    Honestly, I never fully and completely 100% trusted any guy until I met my husband. Even then, it took a little while before that happened. He showed me time and time again that he was trustworthy, then I had to look inside myself as to why I still had my guard up. I guess I was just cynical about men and relationships for no reason. I just always kept my guard up in prior relationships, just in case.

    When you find the right person, it is very easy to fully trust them. :)
    Madonna getting upset with her daughter for dressing too slutty is like Mr. T getting upset with his son for pitying too many fools.
  • j'adorej'adore Posts: 1,966Registered Users Curl Neophyte
    mazey wrote:
    Honestly, I never fully and completely 100% trusted any guy until I met my husband. Even then, it took a little while before that happened. He showed me time and time again that he was trustworthy, then I had to look inside myself as to why I still had my guard up. I guess I was just cynical about men and relationships for no reason. I just always kept my guard up in prior relationships, just in case.

    This sounds like me. My fiance takes the time to show me that he can be trusted because he knows that I am trying to work through these issues I'm having. So I am now realizing how crazy it is to act the way I had been acting. He's been nothing but wonderful to me. I had to start to let go of any old defense mechanisms.
    "Don't play me...I'm over 30, and I don't smoke weed"
    -Prince

    catcatadr20050914_-8_Marley+is.png
  • TKTK Posts: 7Registered Users
    j'adore, (love your user name), I think we probably have similar stories. I'd like to compare notes some time.

    As an aside, what I described is truly the tip of the iceberg. There has been much ugliness, and the "discrepancies" became very evident with no reason to seek them out. Probably many of you level-headed women would have walked away. It wasn't my intention to make the post about me (although I am not against talking about it by any means); I am very interested in your stories, though. LAWoman--thanks for that tale. And those of you with the honest guys--you are lucky, and I'm happy for you.
    Recently TRed and loving it.
  • subbrocksubbrock Posts: 8,212Registered Users
    i've snooped and ive ALWAYS found something i didnt want to. nothing that indicates him cheating on me but like a pic of him and his first serious girlfriend or old christmas present from an ex or something. he always throws the stuff away once i bring it to his attention but it hurts me too much to find stuff i had no business looking for anyway. so now i dont snooop. ive learned my lesson.
  • MMWMMW Posts: 557Registered Users
    I have not snooped on my current SO, but I did snoop on my ex (of 5 years). I knew for a long time that he was doing me wrong...I could feel it in my heart and in the pit of my stomach. I found so many things that confirmed what my gut was telling me, but it STILL took a long time for me to build the strength to say, "Screw this, I'm out."

    It has been a little over 2 years since me and my ex split and I can still feel the effects of that relationship in my current relationship. My current SO has never given me a reason not to trust him, but I still have times when I worry and wonder (not nearly as much as when we first got together, though). He has been wonderful and patient with me as I work through my trust issues and that has really help me come a long way from where I was when we first got together.
    Location: Georgia

Leave a Comment

BoldItalicStrikethroughOrdered listUnordered list
Emoji
Image
Align leftAlign centerAlign rightToggle HTML viewToggle full pageToggle lights
Drop image/file