Should a relationship require work?

iara

I was discussing this with another friend. She says that a relationship should never be work; a relationship just is and if you are the perfect match you should never “work” at it. I slightly disagree. I think that a good relationship should not be hard work but be work in the sense that sometimes you have to consciously make decisions, compromise, etc. and that nothing will run smoothly regardless of how a “perfect” match you are.

What are your opinions? How much work, if any, is too much work in a relationship?


Yes, I had some down time today…..

Wicked*Rosy

I've had one "easy" relationship. It was because I just didn't care. I mean, if you're fighting 24/7, then that's not good. But disagreements are a natural part of life.

Josephine

Sometimes it will if it's worth it and it needs it.

iris427

All relationships take work. I don't think there's a way to quantify how much is too much--if it's too much work for you, then that's your answer.

violets

Wicked*Rosy wrote:

I've had one "easy" relationship. It was because I just didn't care. I mean, if you're fighting 24/7, then that's not good. But disagreements are a natural part of life.

I agree with this.
When I stop raising issues is when I don't care anymore.

roseannadana

Yes, any relationship worth having requires some work, but the work shouldn't all fall on one person.

quickcurl

And it shouldn't be work to get along and it shouldn't be work that you don't want to do. I consider the work to be the things we do to make each other happy. Like if I know the man I'm with wants me to do something, and I'm comfortable doing it, then I'll go ahead and do it if I know it'll make him happy. When I was with my ex, I made a conscious effort to call him during the day to touch base, just to stay connected with him and to hear his voice...it made us both happy but it's "work" because it's not part of what I would typically do with myself during the day. It can also be compromising sometimes, or doing things that you might not really want to do (like going to see a band that they like but you don't, or going to see a movie they want to see). At least that's what it is to me.

PartyHair

It takes work NOT to have disagreements. My husband and I never argue but that's because we communicate well and constantly. If we didn't, we would argue, I'm sure, but we talk things out before it gets to that point.

And that takes work on both our parts. But it's totally worth it because we have a wonderful relationship.

Wicked*Rosy

PartyHair wrote:

It takes work NOT to have disagreements. My husband and I never argue but that's because we communicate well and constantly. If we didn't, we would argue, I'm sure, but we talk things out before it gets to that point.

Teach me! We usually communicate well, but sometimes we hit these walls... Argh. :happy2:

iara

quickcurl wrote:

And it shouldn't be work to get along and it shouldn't be work that you don't want to do. I consider the work to be the things we do to make each other happy.

PartyHair wrote:

It takes work NOT to have disagreements. My husband and I never argue but that's because we communicate well and constantly.

I agree with both of these and that is how I think healthy relationships (friendships and romantic) should be.

Resume Writer

iris427 wrote:

All relationships take work.

ITA. I think it's the expectation that relationships don't require work that gets people into a lot of trouble!

PartyHair

Wicked*Rosy wrote:

PartyHair wrote:

It takes work NOT to have disagreements. My husband and I never argue but that's because we communicate well and constantly. If we didn't, we would argue, I'm sure, but we talk things out before it gets to that point.

Teach me! We usually communicate well, but sometimes we hit these walls... Argh. :happy2:

It helps that we're both REALLY laidback and are natural "pleasers" - we both want the other one to be happy, you know?

rouquinne

Drew and i are like you and Felix, PH. because we live 2 hours apart and only spend time together maybe once during the week and over weekends, we don't have time to argue - our time together is too precious. and we talk, talk, talk during the week (incredible phone bills)! we talk everything out before we see each other.

i can't imagine what it will do to our relationship if this job in his city comes through... but i hate living without him...

Oregano (formerly babywavy)

I agree that relationships need work, but I believe if you're compatible, there shouldn't be a lot of hard work to keep it together.

Personally, I wouldn't be in a relationship if there were constant disagreements, or fights, and especially if there were many reoccuring arguments. In my mind, that would signal that we don't respect eachother enough to resolve the problem, and we can't communicate things across to one another in an understanding way. That person and I wouldn't be the "right one" b/c I feel like w/ the right one you balance eachother out.

My husband and I don't fight. I mean really don't "fight". Not what I would call fighting anyway. We bicker. We've argued. We argued for 3 hours about rearranging the living room. It doesn't turn into a fight b/c he's Ying when I'm Yang, and all that *ish.

What I would consider 'work' is me not complaining over little things like him not cleaning up the kitchen after he makes dd lunch, or leaving his dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. And he doesn't complain when I talk to him about something he doesn't care about, like my hair, or when I DO nag him about cleaning out the car b/c I've asked him to do it for the past 3 months.

curlyarca

violets wrote:

Wicked*Rosy wrote:

I've had one "easy" relationship. It was because I just didn't care. I mean, if you're fighting 24/7, then that's not good. But disagreements are a natural part of life.

I agree with this.
When I stop raising issues is when I don't care anymore.

Yes, definitely the same here.

loosecurls

rouquinne wrote:

- our time together is too precious.

Truer words were never spoken! A year together, a year apart, a year together, a . . .

The way DH & I see it, our marriage is a living thing. It requires work in the way of communication, appreciation, give & take, respect & mutual trust. I believe if you're not "working" on your relationship it's going to become stagnant. The use of the word "work" doesn't imply that you're always going thru counseling or serious introspection. Work can be dinner out without the kids or snuggling on the couch watching a favorite movie. It's not always a bad thing to work on your relationship!

yagottaloveyacurls

DEFINITELY. I think whoever said relationships shouldn't be work is kinda shallow, maybe? or naive? unrealistic? somethin'.

Relationships have ups and downs. If you love each other, and no-one is being physically/emotionally hurt etc., then hopefully you can stick it out through the tough times instead of just taking off. I think some folks are WAY too quick to take off at the first sign of a "down" swing so to speak. I think thats pretty silly if you ask me. Is ANYTHING ELSE in life ALL roses? Hell freakin' no! So why would a relationship be any different?

For me, without those tough times...I wouldn't be as close to Mr. Yagotta.
Being able to love each other enough to work through the tough times is what really brings you closer together. imo.

bushyhead

I wouldn't say it requires work, but I would say it requires effort. It's not self-sustaining.

Oregano (formerly babywavy)

bushyhead wrote:

I wouldn't say it requires work, but I would say it requires effort. It's not self-sustaining.

I like this a lot better.

I wouldn't say my relationship requires work. It's honestly the easiest relationship I've ever been in. They say the 1st year of marriage is the hardest? This was a breeze!

CocoaCoily

I would agree with it requiring effort, as opposed to work as well. I knew a couple that had only been dating under a year, and she wanted to go into couple's therapy becaue they were having major issues. And while I understand it's not my relationship, so not my place, that just seemed too much work.

PartyHair

I like "effort" better too. Good word!

yagottaloveyacurls

PartyHair wrote:

I like "effort" better too. Good word!

I agree!

quickcurl

It really is all about the effort. In my marriage, it got to the point where neither one of us cared any more and the effort to fix things was gone. I just didn't care any more if it worked or if it didn't. He didn't send me flowers any more, I didn't call to tell him I missed him when he was out of town, we didn't watch the same TV shows any longer, we didn't make the effort to spend time together or to make each other feel like a priority.

RedCatWaves

I was in 2 prior failed marriages where I worked my a$$ off, for years, to try to make them work, and they just didn't. My marriage now doesn't seem to require any work at all. It just seems to work on it's own, with very little effort required on either of our parts. We have to work at life, of course, and we definitely work at raising our children, but at our marriage? Nah...it just works.

Cynaminbear

Effort is the perfect word. It definitely takes effort to make it work. Each partner should be giving 100%, too.

As for your friend, her outlook is exactly what Trump says about marriages. Looks like it's worked wonders for him. [/sarcasm]

rosannarosannadanna

iara wrote:

I was discussing this with another friend. She says that a relationship should never be work; a relationship just is and if you are the perfect match you should never “work” at it. I slightly disagree. I think that a good relationship should not be hard work but be work in the sense that sometimes you have to consciously make decisions, compromise, etc. and that nothing will run smoothly regardless of how a “perfect” match you are.

What are your opinions? How much work, if any, is too much work in a relationship?


Yes, I had some down time today…..

This sounds like someone who has never been in a long term relationship to me. Of course it takes work. People change as they age, in the same way, relationships change too. In order to compensate for changes in people and/or the relationship, work is going to be required.

I think if one person is losing themself or overcompensating in the relationship, then they are working too hard.

g-stringranny

If I felt I was working hard in a relationship, then I would feel I needed to get out. This would be a sign that we weren't compatible enough to be together. Men & women are different & need to recognize these differences & accept them, but this shouldn't be "work" in my opinion. It's just respecting each others differences.

O d d i s y~

Relationships help people to feel special, valued and significant, which keeps them feeling more positive and dynamic. And all these needs simple effort from both people. It's not "work".. you shouldn't need to force yourself. There is a clear difference between "want" to do something and "have" to do it.
:afro:

System

iara wrote:

I was discussing this with another friend. She says that a relationship should never be work; a relationship just is and if you are the perfect match you should never “work” at it. I slightly disagree. I think that a good relationship should not be hard work but be work in the sense that sometimes you have to consciously make decisions, compromise, etc. and that nothing will run smoothly regardless of how a “perfect” match you are.

What are your opinions? How much work, if any, is too much work in a relationship?


Yes, I had some down time today…..

This is an extremely naive view IMO. It sets the relationship up for failure. If all individuals need work (and we do on some level), how can two people put together suddenly not need work?

JoyForever

I like "effort," too. And I like the definitions people have come up with so far in this thread. Looks like we have work/effort meaning:

-doing things to make the other person happy
-communicating well so as to avoid fighting
-not complaining about little things the other person does that may annoy you a bit
-sticking it out through tough times rather than giving up

and I would add:
-making time for each other even when you're both busy

If your friend doesn't think that kind of work/effort should be necessary in a relationship, iara, then she's got a strange idea of relationships. But I'm betting the two of you may just have had different definitions of putting work into a relationship.

Oregano (formerly babywavy)

g-stringranny wrote:

If I felt I was working hard in a relationship, then I would feel I needed to get out. This would be a sign that we weren't compatible enough to be together. Men & women are different & need to recognize these differences & accept them, but this shouldn't be "work" in my opinion. It's just respecting each others differences.

I agree with this as well. Although it does take some effort to recognize the differences between men and women, and accept them, rather than expecting the other person to act the same way you do - but still agree w/ the above.