Gender disappointment?

AmnerisAmneris Registered Users Posts: 15,117
I've been reading quite a bit about gender disappointment - ie. people who hoped their baby was one gender but got another. A lot of women said they felt that they weren't allowed to feel the disappointment, were told it was just post partum, etc. Most people said in time they got over it and loved the child anyway. I often wonder about people where all their kids are one gender - does part of them always regret not having the other?

In my case, it's weird, because I've always had strong feelings that this baby is a boy, but everything about my chart and the conception suggests a girl, and every dream I've had about the baby shows a girl, but anything I visualize while awake is about a boy. Before getting pregnant and now, I would say that if I could only have one child, or one gender of child, I'd want a girl or girls. I have ALWAYS strongly wanted a daughter, and still do. I almost felt like I would be disappointed to have a boy first, or just have a boy or boys.

But since I started believing that this is a boy, I got really excited about having a sweet little man and have all this scenarios in my head about it, and how my daughter/s will have a big brother, and if I am wrong and this is a girl, I almost feel like I'd be disappointed about that. Plus if this is a boy, I'll be worried about being able to conceive a girl later since the conditions were so girl-oriented. And either way, I can see myself being stressed during my next pregnancy wondering what I am having, if our efforts to get the other gender worked, etc. which makes me feel guilty because I should be happy with whatever God gives me.

Have any of you guys had gender disappointment, or think you would under certain circumstances? How did you deal with it? Did you try to conceive the gender you wanted? Do you think finding out the gender on ultrasound (if you can) is a good or bad idea? Do you have a pre-set number of kids you want and that's it, regardless of gender, or have/would you try for one more (and/or adopt one more) to get the gender you want?

We've always said we would adopt to balance out the genders if necessary, but some part of me feels it's not quite the same. My husband says he will accept whatever God gives us, but part of me thinks he would love to have a biological son, just like I would love to have a biological daughter. I wonder if either of us would really regret it if this never happened?
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Comments

  • M2LRM2LR Registered Users Posts: 8,630 Curl Connoisseur
    Amneris wrote:
    Have any of you guys had gender disappointment, or think you would under certain circumstances? How did you deal with it? Did you try to conceive the gender you wanted? Do you think finding out the gender on ultrasound (if you can) is a good or bad idea? Do you have a pre-set number of kids you want and that's it, regardless of gender, or have/would you try for one more (and/or adopt one more) to get the gender you want?
    I wonder if either of us would really regret it if this never happened?

    First off, don't pay attention to the wives tales, and even the conception charts (including your own), Chinese gender charts etc. Sure, all signs point to XX or XY, but really, you don't KNOW what it is until it arrives.

    I think that if my daughter had been a boy I would have been a bit disappointed. I remember having my 20 week U/S and trying to see the "stem between the legs" and talking myself out of not crying if it was a boy. It was a girl, and I was over joyed. First girl on my dad's side of the family since me.

    We were going to have 2 kids anyways, although if number 2 was a boy, we might have discussed a third.

    We didn't TRY to conceive either gender, but looking at my chart for my son, it was perfect timing (in terms of the Shettles Method) for a boy, and likewise with my girl (although I wasn't seriously charting like I was with #1).

    I think finding out the gender via U/S is purely and totally situational. I don't think it's bad, nor do I think it's good. I think that the surprise still comes if you find out at 20 weeks, or if you find out at birth. I think that having the U/S enables you to prepare a bit more, and you're not stuck with a bunch of yellow and mint green clothes, or blue/pink stuff you have to return. I think it's all subjective and only the parents should decide if it's something they want/don't want. We totally wanted to find out both times; not only are we both extremely impatient, but the preparation for a baby was enough, and not knowing what to plan for wasn't for us.

    I am not sure about the adoption part, but I imagine if you have nothing but biological boys, adopting a girl is totally up to you. A lot of the stuff that you mentioned is purely subjective and situational as far as the parents are concerned. I don't know about the regret part either. While I am glad that I have one of each, I don't think that I would have any feelings of regret if I had had two boys, or two girls.

    ETA: I also have always wanted a girl. However, I was about 99% certain than number one was a boy; my chart, my gut instincts, EVERYTHING said boy and I just couldn't picture the baby as a girl. When I would talk about him, it was always "him" or "the baby." I even told myself that I needed to start thinking of the baby as a girl, just in case. I tried, and I could NOT do it.
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  • cajuncurlscajuncurls Registered Users Posts: 270
    I have two teenage girls, and was hoping for my fiances sake this baby would be a boy, since we're only having one. It's a girl.
    There's no way I could wait to find out the gender, I had to know as soon as possible so he could deal with it before the baby is born.
    Of course I love my girls and never really wanted a boy, but I know he is a bit disappointed. His sister has a girl, and the whole family wanted a boy. It was really awful to let everyone down.
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  • Jenny CJenny C Registered Users Posts: 1,195
    I soooo wanted a girl. I have 7 nephews on my husband's side and 2 on mine so it's not even like I have a neice to do girly things with. I kept saying I just want to go to SOMEONE'S dance receital!

    I did not want to find out what I was having because I knew that if I found out I was having a boy, I wouldn't be able to help feeling disappointed, but if I was holding a baby boy in my arms, I knew I'd forget all about those kinds of feelings.

    I did have a girl, so needless to say I'm happy. I would love it if this next one were another girl, mostly because they'll be so close in age I think it would be nice for sisters to grow up that way. A boy would be nice for me (and my husband) but I'd really like Lucy to have a sister. There are enough boy cousins around that we can easily get our fix of 'boy' stuff.
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  • mad scientistmad scientist Registered Users Posts: 3,530 Curl Neophyte
    In the delivery room:

    DH: "It's a BOY!!!"
    Me: "Oh"

    I was soooo certain that DS was going to be a girl. And I actually referred to him as "she" for a few weeks after the birth. So, yes, I was disappointed.

    Oddly enough, I don't actually think I'll be disappointed if I end up with another boy. My first boy is a ton of fun and I love him to pieces. And for them, I think it will be good to be brothers close in age.
  • DarkAngelDarkAngel Registered Users Posts: 2,671 Curl Neophyte
    I want a girl so bad that I am afraid to have another baby for fear that it will be a boy and I won't want it or something else irrational. I know that logically having two boys will be a blast for each of them. However, I really want a girl. I want the mother daughter relationship. I want to do her hair and her nails. All of the girlie things that Xander and I won't do together much longer (or at all if my husband had a voice in it) because he will soon realize that boys don't wear pink feather boas or mommy's pearls.

    I was a little disappointed that Xander was a boy when we found out but I always knew that he was a boy so it wasn't too bad. Plus, I knew that my husband needed for him to be a boy. It made things easier for him. I love my little stinky boy but I want my little girl too. I have the added issue of not knowing if we will have anymore children. Maybe a boy is it for me.
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  • velvet pawsvelvet paws Registered Users Posts: 1,250
    For this baby, I really have no preference. We'd like to have at least two kids, ideally a boy and a girl. If we get two of one sex, I think we'd try for a third, just to be able to experience both. If it doesn't work the third time, ah well, it just wasn't meant to be.

    I think gender disappointment is pretty common, but very short lived. We shouldn't feel guilty about our feelings - they're just feelings. We experience them and move on. Being initially disappointed over having a girl when you wanted a boy doesn't mean you won't love or bond with your daughter. You're just disappointed with the "loss" of a hypothetical child, and you're holding a real one in your arms.
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  • RedCatWavesRedCatWaves Registered Users Posts: 31,259 Curl Connoisseur
    I ALWAYS wanted a girl...always! I got a boy the first time. I was overjoyed. I got a boy the second time. I was overjoyed again. But I still wanted a girl. Six years went by. I got divorced, and never thought I'd have any more children at all. I was mid-30's by then. I was content with my 2 boys. But then I met a man who loved children, who loved my boys especially, and had never had any biological children of his own. He was game to try for a baby, and so was I.

    We used the Shettles method for conceiving a girl (charting and timing intercourse). At an ultrasound and amnio at 16 weeks, we found out it was a GIRL, and I burst out crying like a maniac. The tech thought I was upset it was a girl, but they were tears of happiness. I was FINALLY getting my girl. She was lovely, still is.

    Then...I got greedy. I wanted another girl. We used the exact same Shettles method again, did exactly the same thing. We found out at an ultrasound at 20 weeks that it was a boy. So much for charting and timing...it was still 50/50. I was a tiny bit disappointed at first. I'm glad I found out in advance, because I wouldn't have wanted to be upset at the birth. I got over it, and by the time the baby arrived, I was really looking forward to having a baby boy again. I know boys, and I'm good at boys. My youngest boy really is a dreamboat too. Just the best...the most wonderful little boy ever. I really wouldn't want to exchange him for a girl.

    So...gender disappointment is a real thing, and I've experienced a bit of it. I can't say that I'm disappointed in any of my children's genders now though. I love them all for who they are, not their genders. They're people first and foremost, not genders. They aren't the genders I would have chosen if I had been given a choice (I would have chosen ALL girls), but they are perfect as they are, and I'm rather glad I didn't have a choice.
  • curly_keltiecurly_keltie Registered Users Posts: 791
    I'm certain gender disappointment is a real sentiment for both men and women.

    For me - it wasn't disappointment, but more "What am I going to do with a boy? All my friends have girls!"
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  • geminigemini Registered Users Posts: 3,325
    I think because you know the most important thing is that mom and baby are both healthy, it feels a bit superficial to be let down when you find out the baby's gender is the opposite of what you were hoping for.

    For me, I primed myself for a boy because my husband's side seems to "yield" boys. His dad is one of three boys, his oldest uncle had two boys, my husband has a younger brother, no sister etc. I was expecting a boy, and because I kept voicing my expectations, my husband was expecting one too!

    Well, we had a girl. I was a little shocked during the U/S and I felt like there's that pressure for the "next one" to be a boy so someone can carry on the name." I knew my husband was disappointed too--only because I think he is unfamiliar with girls and is dreading the teenage years when he has to keep the boys away. :lol: His parents were thrilled though--they finally got their grandchild AND their little girl. :)

    I do think this is a real feeling and not something to be dismissed. I know a woman who had two boys and cried when she found that out. She is a great mom to her sons and I don't think it was so much that she didn't like little boys, but more that she was mourning the daughter she never had.

    ETA: If our next one is a girl, the shop is still closed! I am not going to fall into the trap of trying for the boy/girl. I know of families with 5 kids (all boys, 4 kids (all girls) and so on.
  • AmnerisAmneris Registered Users Posts: 15,117
    M2LR & Co. wrote:
    When I would talk about him, it was always "him" or "the baby." I even told myself that I needed to start thinking of the baby as a girl, just in case. I tried, and I could NOT do it.

    That's interesting, because that's exactly how it is with me. I have tried to visualize a girl or say "her" and I just can't do it!

    I read somewhere about a woman who had the same issue - always wanted a girl, never wanted a boy, but her whole pregnancy, thought it was a boy, and it was a girl. She said that she thought her subconscious was getting her to accept the idea of a boy as not so scary or bad... and her second child was a son. So maybe it is something like that with me. My husband thinks that just because I think it is a boy, it's probably a girl.

    curly_keltie wrote:
    For me - it wasn't disappointment, but more "What am I going to do with a boy? All my friends have girls!"

    Most of mine have boys. My sisters have girls and I have god daughters, but they're all quite a bit older than my baby will be. Two of my cousins had boys this year.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • deezee02deezee02 Registered Users Posts: 1,509
    I have always wanted to be a girl mom, i am the girliest girl there is. I LOVE little girls, and always dreamed of going through her life with her (sweet 16, prom ect.)

    Before my U/S i always dreamed the baby was a girl. We got to the U/S and when the tech said boy, it really was hard for me to be happy at first. "oh a boy" while mike was grining ear to ear.

    Then he tried to make it better "every little girl needs a big brother" yes, it sounds stupid, but it helped me. I did not know what i was going to do with a boy, they like to get dirty, they like bugs, everything i stay away from.

    Now that he is here, I LOVE IT. i cannot imagine what my life would be with a girl. i am getting into the boy clothes, toys and everything, PLUS i like being the girl of the house!
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  • MunchyMunchy Registered Users Posts: 5,206 Curl Novice
    I am not pushing for one gender either way, but my husband wants a boy so bad that I keep envisioning a boy too. I call the baby him all the time. My mom is the only one that's hoping for a girl, but she (as well as everyone else I know) feels strongly that it's a boy.
    I will be shocked, not really disappointed if it's a girl. My husband will be disappointed, though, and for that reason I'm hoping for a boy.
  • anonnymouseanonnymouse MassachusettsRegistered Users Posts: 1,340 Curl Connoisseur
    I remember when I was pregnant, I really, really thought it was a girl. I never had brothers and didn't know much about raising a boy; I guess I thought raising girl would be easier? But in the delivery room we were suprised with a boy! And he is the best thing since sliced bread. I wouldn't change a thing!

    I don't think it's wise to 'hope' for one or the other. Because you really can't control what you are going to get. I think folks should just hope to get a healthy, happy child.

    As was the motto in my son's preschool: "You get what you get, and you don't be upset".
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  • SpiderSpider Registered Users Posts: 3,381 Curl Neophyte
    Not that it changes anything, but this is part of the reason knowing the sex early (via ultrasound or amnio) COULD be a benefit- you have some time to adjust, and you don't spend several months with different scenarios running through your head of the child as a boy or a girl, because you know what it is.

    I wanted a girl with my first, and got lucky there. I wanted a boy ( but would have been happy with a girl) with the second, and we had a boy, so I feel very blessed!
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  • deedlesdeedles Registered Users Posts: 2,467 Curl Connoisseur
    DarkAngel wrote:
    I want a girl so bad that I am afraid to have another baby for fear that it will be a boy and I won't want it or something else irrational. I know that logically having two boys will be a blast for each of them. However, I really want a girl. I want the mother daughter relationship. I want to do her hair and her nails. All of the girlie things that Xander and I won't do together much longer (or at all if my husband had a voice in it) because he will soon realize that boys don't wear pink feather boas or mommy's pearls.

    I was a little disappointed that Xander was a boy when we found out but I always knew that he was a boy so it wasn't too bad. Plus, I knew that my husband needed for him to be a boy. It made things easier for him. I love my little stinky boy but I want my little girl too. I have the added issue of not knowing if we will have anymore children. Maybe a boy is it for me.

    This is me to a "T"... I love my little man so much but have to admit when the U/S lady said.. "Looks like a boy" I was a bit bummed! I too wanted the frilly dresses and stockings and mommy/daughter bond..

    but then I think... more clothes/more money!! think girls can dress in pants/skirts/dresses/shorts!! boys are just pants and shorts!! and for us a first baby boy was more reasonable.. but I still want my "Claire" or "Meghan"

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  • AmnerisAmneris Registered Users Posts: 15,117
    It seems like most women want daughters and most men want sons... I have heard so much about both genders preferring sons, but that doesn't seem to be the case.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • geekygeeky Registered Users Posts: 4,995
    My mom really wanted a girl (I am her only) to the point that she did not even consider boys' names. When I had my son she told me that she did not think it was possible to love a little boy as much as a little girl and so was very surprised that she did love her grandson that much. I found that a bit odd.
    Anyway, having a girl is no guarantee of a mother daughter bond. My mom is a good person but she and I are very different and there is just no bond. She had all the frilly girly fantasies too,and I am just not that kind of person and I don't think she ever got past that. I think it would have been better if I'd been a boy, she would have been disappointed initially, then gotten over it and accepted me for who I was.
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  • KaiaKaia Home of the FL GatorsRegistered Users Posts: 8,815 Curl Connoisseur
    Amneris wrote:
    It seems like most women want daughters and most men want sons...

    This was always my impression. The only times I hear of both parents preferring sons is in cultures that favor men and/or limit the number of children (for example China).
    *Poster formerly known as Bailey422*

    Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. ~ George Carlin
  • inheritedcurlsinheritedcurls Registered Users Posts: 2,954 Curl Connoisseur
    I knew my DH wanted a son. He had a lot of pressure of keeping up the tradition of first born's being a boy. We have #5. In my head I thought it was a boy. Sure enough the Tech said it was a boy. I was relieved for my husband. I think he wouldn't of warmed up to the idea of a girl until she got here.

    I actually now hope to have another boy. I really don't want any girls. Strange I know.
  • fuzzbucketfuzzbucket Registered Users Posts: 996 Curl Connoisseur
    I wanted a girl, or thought I did. I never had a sister (two older brothers) and I have a close bond with my mom and wanted to have that with a daughter. Plus (and this is silly, I know) my brother and SIL have a son and I thought it would make it more special if I had the first granddaughter. :roll:

    I knew I wanted to know the gender at the u/s because I thought it would give me time to get over any disappointment. Well, about a week before the big appointment, I started thinking that this was a boy. At first, it was just my doomsday reflex, trying to prepare for what I thought I didn't want. But gradually over that week, I just began to feel in my gut that this was really a boy. I told my DH what I thought and he kept saying "You don't know for sure. It could be a girl." But I insisted that I knew.

    When the tech told us and showed us that it was indeed a boy, DH squeezed my hand thinking I would be sad. I really thought I would be sad. Instead, I felt a fleeting little bittersweet twinge and then I just flooded with happiness. I turned to him and said "I told you!" I couldn't stop smiling for days afterwards.
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  • FiremanshunnyFiremanshunny Registered Users Posts: 24
    With my first baby I wanted a boy. My husband comes from a family full of boys and has no sisters. I have no sisters either. I never considered myself a girly girl and thought that I wasn't a "girl" kind of mother. I found out at my 20 week ultrasound that I was having a girl. I was kind of disappointed that I was having a girl (not as disappointed as my husband). I was so wrong. Having a girl is great!! So great in fact that when I was pregnant with my second I secretly wanted another girl but told everyone that I didn't care. I had another girl (who will be one in 3 weeks) and I couldn't have been happier. My husband has talked about having another one so that we can try for a boy. I don't know if I want to have another baby and I don't know if I would want it to be a boy!!
  • imagenimagen Registered Users Posts: 343
    There must be something wrong with me, because I wanted a boy! :lol: I always wanted a boy first and a girl second, and I couldn't be happier because that is what happened! I didn't even chart, but I know my cycle fairly well and the timing does make sense, but I never paid attention. If things had worked out differently, I might have felt a twinge of disappointment, but I'm sure it would've only been temporary.

    We decided to find out the sex with both for multiple reasons. I just figure it is a suprise whether you find out at 20 weeks or when you give birth, and I liked being able to identify with the baby more while I was pregnant, and not calling the baby "it" or "he/she"
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  • AmnerisAmneris Registered Users Posts: 15,117
    imagen wrote:
    There must be something wrong with me, because I wanted a boy! :lol:I always wanted a boy first and a girl second, and I couldn't be happier because that is what happened! I didn't even chart, but I know my cycle fairly well and the timing does make sense, but I never paid attention. If things had worked out differently, I might have felt a twinge of disappointment, but I'm sure it would've only been temporary.

    We decided to find out the sex with both for multiple reasons. I just figure it is a suprise whether you find out at 20 weeks or when you give birth, and I liked being able to identify with the baby more while I was pregnant, and not calling the baby "it" or "he/she"

    That's what I want now, too! Boy first, then girl.
    Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali


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  • imagenimagen Registered Users Posts: 343
    Amneris wrote:
    That's what I want now, too! Boy first, then girl.

    Well, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who wants a boy, I started to think there is something wrong with me! (well, we won't get into that! :wink: )
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  • MarMar Registered Users Posts: 3,004 Curl Neophyte
    My husband and I never even talked about it.
    We honestly never cared!
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  • PoPo Registered Users Posts: 2,607
    I've always wanted a boy(s), too. I love girls, but I've always pictured little boys running around, never little girls.
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  • Oregano  (formerly babywavy)Oregano (formerly babywavy) Registered Users Posts: 5,297 Curl Neophyte
    I always wanted a girl first. I figured it was going to be hard enough learning how to handle a baby the first time - I didn't want to have to learn how to handle a boy at the same time!

    I didn't care at all the second time around. I saw positives to either gender, so it didn't matter at all to me.
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  • sonnysonny Registered Users Posts: 467
    First of all let me say I feel extremely guilty for even typing this but..... I am having a girl and truly wanted a boy. I was an only child and was such a tomboy and have always been. I am not at all fru fru and don't know if I can relate to a girl. Just had to vent.
    We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the vitriolic words and actions of the bad people, but for the appalling silence of the good people. ~.Martin Luther King Jr
  • cymprenicympreni Registered Users Posts: 9,609 Curl Neophyte
    The first time around I knew it was a boy before the doctor even told me. I wanted a boy. The second time around I really wanted a girl. I had to hold back a few tears when I was told it was a boy at the utrasound. I felt like such a jerk. But the little guy grew on me. I'm still a little ashamed on how long it took, but I was going through a period of extreme stress at the time.

    Part of me still wants a girl, but I don't think I could handle another pregnancy, the last one was really hard for me. And I think I pretty much have my hands and heart full with my 2 boys now.

    In the future, who knows, I have always wanted the opportunity to adopt or foster a child.
  • sarah42sarah42 Registered Users Posts: 4,034
    I want a girl too. With DS, I had a feeling he was a boy from the beginning, and the ultrasound confirmed it. I did feel a tiny bit disappointed when the doctor told us it was a boy, although I love DS very much and am overjoyed to have him.

    Next time we have a baby, we will try to chart and time it to conceive a girl, just to raise the odds. I have consoled myself by saying it will be nice to have an older son and younger daughter, so the girl can have a big brother to look out for her. But I have an irrational worry that I'll only have boys. It's irrational because there's bound to be a good chance, or at least 50-50, that we can have a girl, plus if we had another boy, it wouldn't be a tragedy or anything.

    If #2 turned out to be a boy, I'd consider trying for a third, but that's my cut-off point. My husband wouldn't mind having more boys. Actually, he gets this silly grin when we talk about it, as if he would somehow be more manly if he produced only boys. I've suggested not finding out the sex of #2 in advance, when we have it, but DH is dead-set against that. He's like, you have to find out!
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