Gender disappointment?
Amneris
Registered Users Posts: 15,117
I've been reading quite a bit about gender disappointment - ie. people who hoped their baby was one gender but got another. A lot of women said they felt that they weren't allowed to feel the disappointment, were told it was just post partum, etc. Most people said in time they got over it and loved the child anyway. I often wonder about people where all their kids are one gender - does part of them always regret not having the other?
In my case, it's weird, because I've always had strong feelings that this baby is a boy, but everything about my chart and the conception suggests a girl, and every dream I've had about the baby shows a girl, but anything I visualize while awake is about a boy. Before getting pregnant and now, I would say that if I could only have one child, or one gender of child, I'd want a girl or girls. I have ALWAYS strongly wanted a daughter, and still do. I almost felt like I would be disappointed to have a boy first, or just have a boy or boys.
But since I started believing that this is a boy, I got really excited about having a sweet little man and have all this scenarios in my head about it, and how my daughter/s will have a big brother, and if I am wrong and this is a girl, I almost feel like I'd be disappointed about that. Plus if this is a boy, I'll be worried about being able to conceive a girl later since the conditions were so girl-oriented. And either way, I can see myself being stressed during my next pregnancy wondering what I am having, if our efforts to get the other gender worked, etc. which makes me feel guilty because I should be happy with whatever God gives me.
Have any of you guys had gender disappointment, or think you would under certain circumstances? How did you deal with it? Did you try to conceive the gender you wanted? Do you think finding out the gender on ultrasound (if you can) is a good or bad idea? Do you have a pre-set number of kids you want and that's it, regardless of gender, or have/would you try for one more (and/or adopt one more) to get the gender you want?
We've always said we would adopt to balance out the genders if necessary, but some part of me feels it's not quite the same. My husband says he will accept whatever God gives us, but part of me thinks he would love to have a biological son, just like I would love to have a biological daughter. I wonder if either of us would really regret it if this never happened?
In my case, it's weird, because I've always had strong feelings that this baby is a boy, but everything about my chart and the conception suggests a girl, and every dream I've had about the baby shows a girl, but anything I visualize while awake is about a boy. Before getting pregnant and now, I would say that if I could only have one child, or one gender of child, I'd want a girl or girls. I have ALWAYS strongly wanted a daughter, and still do. I almost felt like I would be disappointed to have a boy first, or just have a boy or boys.
But since I started believing that this is a boy, I got really excited about having a sweet little man and have all this scenarios in my head about it, and how my daughter/s will have a big brother, and if I am wrong and this is a girl, I almost feel like I'd be disappointed about that. Plus if this is a boy, I'll be worried about being able to conceive a girl later since the conditions were so girl-oriented. And either way, I can see myself being stressed during my next pregnancy wondering what I am having, if our efforts to get the other gender worked, etc. which makes me feel guilty because I should be happy with whatever God gives me.
Have any of you guys had gender disappointment, or think you would under certain circumstances? How did you deal with it? Did you try to conceive the gender you wanted? Do you think finding out the gender on ultrasound (if you can) is a good or bad idea? Do you have a pre-set number of kids you want and that's it, regardless of gender, or have/would you try for one more (and/or adopt one more) to get the gender you want?
We've always said we would adopt to balance out the genders if necessary, but some part of me feels it's not quite the same. My husband says he will accept whatever God gives us, but part of me thinks he would love to have a biological son, just like I would love to have a biological daughter. I wonder if either of us would really regret it if this never happened?
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First off, don't pay attention to the wives tales, and even the conception charts (including your own), Chinese gender charts etc. Sure, all signs point to XX or XY, but really, you don't KNOW what it is until it arrives.
I think that if my daughter had been a boy I would have been a bit disappointed. I remember having my 20 week U/S and trying to see the "stem between the legs" and talking myself out of not crying if it was a boy. It was a girl, and I was over joyed. First girl on my dad's side of the family since me.
We were going to have 2 kids anyways, although if number 2 was a boy, we might have discussed a third.
We didn't TRY to conceive either gender, but looking at my chart for my son, it was perfect timing (in terms of the Shettles Method) for a boy, and likewise with my girl (although I wasn't seriously charting like I was with #1).
I think finding out the gender via U/S is purely and totally situational. I don't think it's bad, nor do I think it's good. I think that the surprise still comes if you find out at 20 weeks, or if you find out at birth. I think that having the U/S enables you to prepare a bit more, and you're not stuck with a bunch of yellow and mint green clothes, or blue/pink stuff you have to return. I think it's all subjective and only the parents should decide if it's something they want/don't want. We totally wanted to find out both times; not only are we both extremely impatient, but the preparation for a baby was enough, and not knowing what to plan for wasn't for us.
I am not sure about the adoption part, but I imagine if you have nothing but biological boys, adopting a girl is totally up to you. A lot of the stuff that you mentioned is purely subjective and situational as far as the parents are concerned. I don't know about the regret part either. While I am glad that I have one of each, I don't think that I would have any feelings of regret if I had had two boys, or two girls.
ETA: I also have always wanted a girl. However, I was about 99% certain than number one was a boy; my chart, my gut instincts, EVERYTHING said boy and I just couldn't picture the baby as a girl. When I would talk about him, it was always "him" or "the baby." I even told myself that I needed to start thinking of the baby as a girl, just in case. I tried, and I could NOT do it.
There's no way I could wait to find out the gender, I had to know as soon as possible so he could deal with it before the baby is born.
Of course I love my girls and never really wanted a boy, but I know he is a bit disappointed. His sister has a girl, and the whole family wanted a boy. It was really awful to let everyone down.
- Eagles
I did not want to find out what I was having because I knew that if I found out I was having a boy, I wouldn't be able to help feeling disappointed, but if I was holding a baby boy in my arms, I knew I'd forget all about those kinds of feelings.
I did have a girl, so needless to say I'm happy. I would love it if this next one were another girl, mostly because they'll be so close in age I think it would be nice for sisters to grow up that way. A boy would be nice for me (and my husband) but I'd really like Lucy to have a sister. There are enough boy cousins around that we can easily get our fix of 'boy' stuff.
DH: "It's a BOY!!!"
Me: "Oh"
I was soooo certain that DS was going to be a girl. And I actually referred to him as "she" for a few weeks after the birth. So, yes, I was disappointed.
Oddly enough, I don't actually think I'll be disappointed if I end up with another boy. My first boy is a ton of fun and I love him to pieces. And for them, I think it will be good to be brothers close in age.
I was a little disappointed that Xander was a boy when we found out but I always knew that he was a boy so it wasn't too bad. Plus, I knew that my husband needed for him to be a boy. It made things easier for him. I love my little stinky boy but I want my little girl too. I have the added issue of not knowing if we will have anymore children. Maybe a boy is it for me.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -- Theodor Seuss Geisel
I think gender disappointment is pretty common, but very short lived. We shouldn't feel guilty about our feelings - they're just feelings. We experience them and move on. Being initially disappointed over having a girl when you wanted a boy doesn't mean you won't love or bond with your daughter. You're just disappointed with the "loss" of a hypothetical child, and you're holding a real one in your arms.
We used the Shettles method for conceiving a girl (charting and timing intercourse). At an ultrasound and amnio at 16 weeks, we found out it was a GIRL, and I burst out crying like a maniac. The tech thought I was upset it was a girl, but they were tears of happiness. I was FINALLY getting my girl. She was lovely, still is.
Then...I got greedy. I wanted another girl. We used the exact same Shettles method again, did exactly the same thing. We found out at an ultrasound at 20 weeks that it was a boy. So much for charting and timing...it was still 50/50. I was a tiny bit disappointed at first. I'm glad I found out in advance, because I wouldn't have wanted to be upset at the birth. I got over it, and by the time the baby arrived, I was really looking forward to having a baby boy again. I know boys, and I'm good at boys. My youngest boy really is a dreamboat too. Just the best...the most wonderful little boy ever. I really wouldn't want to exchange him for a girl.
So...gender disappointment is a real thing, and I've experienced a bit of it. I can't say that I'm disappointed in any of my children's genders now though. I love them all for who they are, not their genders. They're people first and foremost, not genders. They aren't the genders I would have chosen if I had been given a choice (I would have chosen ALL girls), but they are perfect as they are, and I'm rather glad I didn't have a choice.
For me - it wasn't disappointment, but more "What am I going to do with a boy? All my friends have girls!"
For me, I primed myself for a boy because my husband's side seems to "yield" boys. His dad is one of three boys, his oldest uncle had two boys, my husband has a younger brother, no sister etc. I was expecting a boy, and because I kept voicing my expectations, my husband was expecting one too!
Well, we had a girl. I was a little shocked during the U/S and I felt like there's that pressure for the "next one" to be a boy so someone can carry on the name." I knew my husband was disappointed too--only because I think he is unfamiliar with girls and is dreading the teenage years when he has to keep the boys away.
I do think this is a real feeling and not something to be dismissed. I know a woman who had two boys and cried when she found that out. She is a great mom to her sons and I don't think it was so much that she didn't like little boys, but more that she was mourning the daughter she never had.
ETA: If our next one is a girl, the shop is still closed! I am not going to fall into the trap of trying for the boy/girl. I know of families with 5 kids (all boys, 4 kids (all girls) and so on.
That's interesting, because that's exactly how it is with me. I have tried to visualize a girl or say "her" and I just can't do it!
I read somewhere about a woman who had the same issue - always wanted a girl, never wanted a boy, but her whole pregnancy, thought it was a boy, and it was a girl. She said that she thought her subconscious was getting her to accept the idea of a boy as not so scary or bad... and her second child was a son. So maybe it is something like that with me. My husband thinks that just because I think it is a boy, it's probably a girl.
curly_keltie wrote:
Most of mine have boys. My sisters have girls and I have god daughters, but they're all quite a bit older than my baby will be. Two of my cousins had boys this year.
Before my U/S i always dreamed the baby was a girl. We got to the U/S and when the tech said boy, it really was hard for me to be happy at first. "oh a boy" while mike was grining ear to ear.
Then he tried to make it better "every little girl needs a big brother" yes, it sounds stupid, but it helped me. I did not know what i was going to do with a boy, they like to get dirty, they like bugs, everything i stay away from.
Now that he is here, I LOVE IT. i cannot imagine what my life would be with a girl. i am getting into the boy clothes, toys and everything, PLUS i like being the girl of the house!
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I will be shocked, not really disappointed if it's a girl. My husband will be disappointed, though, and for that reason I'm hoping for a boy.
I don't think it's wise to 'hope' for one or the other. Because you really can't control what you are going to get. I think folks should just hope to get a healthy, happy child.
As was the motto in my son's preschool: "You get what you get, and you don't be upset".
I wanted a girl with my first, and got lucky there. I wanted a boy ( but would have been happy with a girl) with the second, and we had a boy, so I feel very blessed!
This is me to a "T"... I love my little man so much but have to admit when the U/S lady said.. "Looks like a boy" I was a bit bummed! I too wanted the frilly dresses and stockings and mommy/daughter bond..
but then I think... more clothes/more money!! think girls can dress in pants/skirts/dresses/shorts!! boys are just pants and shorts!! and for us a first baby boy was more reasonable.. but I still want my "Claire" or "Meghan"
~d
Colin: 3 years old
Location: Williamsburg, Virginia
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Anyway, having a girl is no guarantee of a mother daughter bond. My mom is a good person but she and I are very different and there is just no bond. She had all the frilly girly fantasies too,and I am just not that kind of person and I don't think she ever got past that. I think it would have been better if I'd been a boy, she would have been disappointed initially, then gotten over it and accepted me for who I was.
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This was always my impression. The only times I hear of both parents preferring sons is in cultures that favor men and/or limit the number of children (for example China).
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. ~ George Carlin
I actually now hope to have another boy. I really don't want any girls. Strange I know.
I knew I wanted to know the gender at the u/s because I thought it would give me time to get over any disappointment. Well, about a week before the big appointment, I started thinking that this was a boy. At first, it was just my doomsday reflex, trying to prepare for what I thought I didn't want. But gradually over that week, I just began to feel in my gut that this was really a boy. I told my DH what I thought and he kept saying "You don't know for sure. It could be a girl." But I insisted that I knew.
When the tech told us and showed us that it was indeed a boy, DH squeezed my hand thinking I would be sad. I really thought I would be sad. Instead, I felt a fleeting little bittersweet twinge and then I just flooded with happiness. I turned to him and said "I told you!" I couldn't stop smiling for days afterwards.
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We decided to find out the sex with both for multiple reasons. I just figure it is a suprise whether you find out at 20 weeks or when you give birth, and I liked being able to identify with the baby more while I was pregnant, and not calling the baby "it" or "he/she"
That's what I want now, too! Boy first, then girl.
Well, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who wants a boy, I started to think there is something wrong with me! (well, we won't get into that!
We honestly never cared!
"If you judge people,you have no time to love them"
-Mother Theresa
I didn't care at all the second time around. I saw positives to either gender, so it didn't matter at all to me.
Please excuse any typos. For the time being, we are blaming it on my computer.
Part of me still wants a girl, but I don't think I could handle another pregnancy, the last one was really hard for me. And I think I pretty much have my hands and heart full with my 2 boys now.
In the future, who knows, I have always wanted the opportunity to adopt or foster a child.
Next time we have a baby, we will try to chart and time it to conceive a girl, just to raise the odds. I have consoled myself by saying it will be nice to have an older son and younger daughter, so the girl can have a big brother to look out for her. But I have an irrational worry that I'll only have boys. It's irrational because there's bound to be a good chance, or at least 50-50, that we can have a girl, plus if we had another boy, it wouldn't be a tragedy or anything.
If #2 turned out to be a boy, I'd consider trying for a third, but that's my cut-off point. My husband wouldn't mind having more boys. Actually, he gets this silly grin when we talk about it, as if he would somehow be more manly if he produced only boys. I've suggested not finding out the sex of #2 in advance, when we have it, but DH is dead-set against that. He's like, you have to find out!